Communicating Effectively With Others

Keys to Effective Communication

**Awareness of the “I”, “You”, “Us” “Setting” filter

“I” – Your biases, patterns of communication, “buttons”, based on life experiences (lessons learned in both childhood and adulthood).

“You” – What do you need to know about the otherperson so they will “tune you in” and not “tune you out” (their communication style).

Keys to Effective Communication

“Us” – The “dance” you do with others (circularrelationship). When you do something, theyrespond to you, and then you to them, etc.

“Setting” – What is the appropriate setting (time,place, “audience”, etc.) to communicate so thatcommunication can be effective (come to a point ofclosure for all participants).

“I”

• Think about what you were taught (told you, showed you, etc.) from your caretakers (parents, siblings, extended family, etc.) while growing up about:• Dealing with conflict• Competing with others• Discipline• Working with others on solving a problem

“I”

• Sharing feelings with caretakers• Expressing anger• Playing/having fun• Expressing sadness• Treating men/women

“I”• Think about your reactions (thoughts, feelings, first

thing you want to say, what you are experiencing in your body) when you hear certain words such as:• “alcohol”• “sorry”• “regret”• “help”• “death”• “no”

• Think about how a challenging relationship affects you in the following areas: • Emotionally • Physically • Socially• Values• Self-esteem• Things you can and cannot change

“I”

“You”

Think about two or three people you regularly communicate with and what

you have learned about what they like and do not like when communicated to.

That is, what can you do that either increases or decreases the chances of them really “hearing” you.

“Us”

Think about two to three relationships you have and identify patterns of behavior between the two

of you. That is, what behavior that you do, how they usually respond, how you respond

to their response, etc.

Setting

Think of times you have communicated with others and how the setting either supported coming to closure or did not. What were the

common factors in each of the situations.

Bach’s Crazymaker Roles

• Pseudoaccommodator - Refuses to engage; nothing wrong.

• Mind Reader – Takes over, cuts off, knows what you’re thinking.

• Gunnysacker – Saves up and dumps at once.• Trapper – Coaxes out response and then attacks.• Joker - Trivializes the issue; jokes when

others discuss.

Bach’s Crazymaker Roles

• Beltliner – Hits below belt, attacks sensitive areas.• Benedict Arnold – Uses sabotage, goes behind back,

gets others to take sides.• Blamer – Rocuses on blaming versus problem

solving.• Withholder – Holds back something important to

punish.

Hints for Managing ConflictPat Heim, PhD

• Understand that conflict will always be a part of life. Rarely comfortable, but if handled well it leads to growth.

• Understand that there are gender differences – boys grow up relating to others and dealing with conflict often via team sports, while girls relate more often to others one on one. Thus, males may be more comfortable with conflict but have less of the skills needed to handle conflict.

• Avoid defensiveness; if you don’t you will create an attack-defend pattern.

Hints for Managing ConflictPat Heim, PhD

• Implement Active Listening – Listen to understand how the other person thinks and feels about the situation.

• Paraphrase to show understanding.• Legitimize the feelings of others – “If the world looked to

me the way it does to you, then I’d probably feel the same way”.

• Describe (focus on the issue behaviorally) versus evaluate (which creates defensiveness and avoids the real issue).

Hints for Managing ConflictPat Heim, PhD

• Understand that there are “content (fact out in reality) and relationship” conflicts. Make sure you are dealing with the same type of conflict. If both exist, deal with relationship conflict first.

• Focus on the future, not the past.• Direct versus Indirect communication. Need to both be at

the same level.• Understand gender differences in terms of

communicating (i.e., chair study). Women relate more through talk and men through doing.

Hints for Managing ConflictPat Heim, PhD

• “Chip Theory” – Main Rule: We always make it even in the end. In this theory remember – everyone is an accountant and has a ledger; understand supply and demand theory (what chips does the other person value?); have a chip surplus with others (these others will then be more likely to be there when you need them); if you have a chip deficit, people will make it even in the end and often in destructive ways. If you have a chip surplus, you will be more likely to avoid conflict and manage conflict better.