You Don't Have to Like Them - Just Learn to Work With Them

Copyright 2015 - Brian Smith-PLDCopyright 2015 - Brian Smith-PLD 11

You Don’t Have To Like Them You Don’t Have To Like Them

Just Learn To Work With Them Just Learn To Work With Them


Seminar GoalsSeminar Goals

Understand the different styles of behavior Understand the different styles of behavior and how they impact performance and how they impact performance

Learn the key to communicating and Learn the key to communicating and interacting more effectively with others interacting more effectively with others

Discover how to resolve conflict and Discover how to resolve conflict and negotiate win-winsnegotiate win-wins

The key to motivating yourself and others The key to motivating yourself and others Develop your action plan for success Develop your action plan for success


Today’s AgendaToday’s Agenda Self-Assessment: DISC Dimensions Self-Assessment: DISC Dimensions

of Behaviourof Behaviour Understanding Behaviour & How it Understanding Behaviour & How it

Impacts Performance Impacts Performance The The Art Art of Communicatingof Communicating The 5-Steps to The 5-Steps to Active Active ListeningListening Problem Solving & Negotiating Wins Problem Solving & Negotiating Wins Developing Your Action Plan Developing Your Action Plan


EQ not IQ EQ not IQ

Worth Remembering …Worth Remembering …

““We are being judged by a new We are being judged by a new yardstick; not just how smart we yardstick; not just how smart we are, or by our training and expertise, are, or by our training and expertise, but also by how well we handle but also by how well we handle ourselves and each other.”ourselves and each other.”

- Daniel Goleman Ph.D. Harvard- Daniel Goleman Ph.D. Harvard


AttitudeAttitude


You Own It You Own It


““Your attitude - Your attitude - determines your altitude.”determines your altitude.” - Covey - Covey


The Attitude Challenge The Attitude Challenge

Question:Question:

Who is in control of your attitude?Who is in control of your attitude?


Attitude is a ChoiceAttitude is a ChoiceWorth Remembering …Worth Remembering …

““Everything can be taken away from Everything can be taken away from man but one thing – to choose – man but one thing – to choose – one’s attitude in a given set of one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”way.”

- - Viktor FranklViktor Frankl * Mans Search For Ultimate Meaning * Mans Search For Ultimate Meaning


Things to Remember Things to Remember Everybody has oneEverybody has one No two are exactly the sameNo two are exactly the same It’s 100% in your controlIt’s 100% in your control It’s a matter of choiceIt’s a matter of choice How would your team-mates rate How would your team-mates rate

your attitude?your attitude?

Motivation Equation Motivation Equation

Need + Need + Goal Directed Behavior Goal Directed Behavior

= = WIIFMWIIFM


Your WIIFM’s Your WIIFM’s

What’s your WIIFM?What’s your WIIFM?What’s their WIIFM?What’s their WIIFM?Take a moment and write them Take a moment and write them

down down Copyright 2015 - Brian Smith-PLDCopyright 2015 - Brian Smith-PLD 1111

Inside not Outside Inside not Outside Motivation: Motivation:

““People do things for their own reason People do things for their own reason not yours. You can’t make anyone do not yours. You can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to do – but anything they don’t want to do – but you can create an environment in you can create an environment in which they will want to motivate which they will want to motivate themselves” – Brian Smith themselves” – Brian Smith


Worth RememberingWorth Remembering

Question: Question:

If you know your WIIFM and their If you know your WIIFM and their WIIFM - What do you need to do to WIIFM - What do you need to do to create a win-win? create a win-win?


Different Strokes Different Strokes


Behaviour Behaviour


Why Behaviour?Why Behaviour? Behaviour is:Behaviour is:

Observable 20%Observable 20% Situtationally-Situtationally-

basedbased FlexibleFlexible DynamicDynamic Based on your Based on your

thoughts and thoughts and beliefsbeliefs


The Rules About OthersThe Rules About Others

Different is just Different is just that, that, Different.Different.

There is richness in There is richness in diversitydiversity

By understanding By understanding yourself better yourself better you will learn to you will learn to understand othersunderstand others

Different Strokes Different Strokes Worth Remembering …Worth Remembering …

“The task of an executive is not to change human beings. The task is to multiply performance capacity of the whole by putting to use what ever strength, health and aspiration there is in individuals.” – Drucker


DISC Styles DISC Styles



Different Folks Different Folks DominantDominant:: Quick action, task Quick action, task

focused, easily bored. focused, easily bored. InterpersonalInterpersonal:: Entertaining, Entertaining,

friendly, talkative.friendly, talkative. SteadySteady: : calm, patient, loyal, a good calm, patient, loyal, a good

listener.listener. ConscientiousConscientious:: Attention to detail, Attention to detail,

very analytical, likes to be thorough. very analytical, likes to be thorough.


Strengths Become WeaknessesStrengths Become Weaknesses

D:D: who is good at directing and who is good at directing and deciding, may become autocratic.deciding, may become autocratic.

I: I: who is good at promoting and who is good at promoting and persuading, may oversell.persuading, may oversell.

S:S: who is steady and agreeable, may who is steady and agreeable, may give in despite their needs.give in despite their needs.

C:C: who is good at analyzing and who is good at analyzing and checking, may become indecisive.checking, may become indecisive.


Ah Ha MomentAh Ha Moment

Awareness Awareness Brings Brings EffectivenessEffectiveness


Good Habits = Good ResultsGood Habits = Good Results

Worth Remembering … Worth Remembering …

““Excellence is not an act but a habit. Excellence is not an act but a habit. The things you do the most are the The things you do the most are the things you do the best.”things you do the best.”

- Marva Collins - Marva Collins


New Beginnings New Beginnings

CC – Commit to a new beginning – Commit to a new beginning

HH – – Habits. Stop one, start another Habits. Stop one, start another

AA – – Action not words Action not words

NN – – Never give upNever give up

G G – – Goal oriented. Set targetsGoal oriented. Set targets

EE – – Evaluate your planEvaluate your plan


The The Art Art of of CommunicatingCommunicating


Communication Realities Communication Realities

Question:Question:

On a percentage basis how much do On a percentage basis how much do you think we communicate by the you think we communicate by the actual words we say?actual words we say?


The The ArtArt of Communicating of Communicating

How much do we communicate by: How much do we communicate by:

1.1. Actual Words _____ %Actual Words _____ %2.2. Voice Tonality _____ %Voice Tonality _____ %3.3. Body Language _____ %Body Language _____ %

Perception is RealityPerception is Reality


Walk The Talk Walk The Talk

Worth Remembering … Worth Remembering … “ “People hear what they see – People hear what they see – Not what you say”. Not what you say”.



Communication ProcessCommunication Process

The sender of the messageThe sender of the message The message itselfThe message itself The channel used to deliver the The channel used to deliver the

messagemessage The receiver of the messageThe receiver of the message


The Decoding ProcessThe Decoding Process1.1. Sensing or becoming aware of the Sensing or becoming aware of the

message;message;2.2. Interpreting and understanding the Interpreting and understanding the

meaning and purpose;meaning and purpose;3.3. Evaluating to respond or act upon;Evaluating to respond or act upon;4.4. Responding by performing an Responding by performing an

action, changing a behaviour or action, changing a behaviour or sending a message.sending a message.

Communication Communication


““I know you believe you understand I know you believe you understand what you think I said, But I’m not what you think I said, But I’m not sure you realize that what you heard sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant”.is not what I meant”.



Did You Know?Did You Know? You cannot You cannot not not communicatecommunicate Whenever contact is made - Whenever contact is made -

communication occurscommunication occurs Meanings are in people not in wordsMeanings are in people not in words All types of communications are All types of communications are

received but 70 to 90% are screened received but 70 to 90% are screened out or changed by the receiver. out or changed by the receiver.


The The ArtArt of Communicating of Communicating


““If the essence of communication is If the essence of communication is to send the message and have it to send the message and have it received as it was intended; then received as it was intended; then you must keep in mind that you’re you must keep in mind that you’re not the most important person in the not the most important person in the conversation.” – Brian Smith conversation.” – Brian Smith


Green Light ResponseGreen Light Response OKOK HmmmHmmm I understandI understand Uh huhUh huh YesYes NodNod


Yellow Light ResponsesYellow Light Responses

Reflective Listening Reflective Listening – “So if I – “So if I understand you correctly, …” understand you correctly, …”

Clarifying Questions Clarifying Questions -- “Have I “Have I addressed all of your concerns?”addressed all of your concerns?”

Probing QuestionsProbing Questions - “Tell me - “Tell me more about …” more about …”


Red Light ResponseRed Light Response

Closed QuestionsClosed Questions let you know if let you know if you are going in the right direction. you are going in the right direction.

““Based on what you’ve said, I Based on what you’ve said, I recommend …. Would you like me to recommend …. Would you like me to proceed? proceed?

““Am I making myself clear?” or Am I making myself clear?” or “Have I explained that properly?”“Have I explained that properly?”

Gender Differences Gender Differences Women tend to see communication Women tend to see communication

as a way to connect and enhance a as a way to connect and enhance a relationshiprelationship

Men see communication as a way to Men see communication as a way to accomplish objectives. accomplish objectives.

Women are inclined to express Women are inclined to express agreement and support agreement and support

Men are more inclined to debate Men are more inclined to debate


Generation Preferences Generation Preferences Matures:Matures: Communicate one-on-one, Communicate one-on-one,

through letters or memo.through letters or memo. Baby Boomers: Baby Boomers: Communicate in Communicate in

person or on the phone. person or on the phone. (1946 - 1964)(1946 - 1964) Generation X:Generation X: Communicate by Communicate by

phone or email phone or email (1965 – 1980)(1965 – 1980) Millennials: Millennials: Text message or phone Text message or phone

– email is so yesterday. – email is so yesterday. (1981 – 1995)(1981 – 1995)



ActiveActive Listening Listening


ActiveActive Listening Listening


““We have two ears but only one We have two ears but only one mouth. Some people suggest that’s mouth. Some people suggest that’s because we should spend twice as because we should spend twice as much time listening as opposed to much time listening as opposed to talking. Others suggest it’s because talking. Others suggest it’s because listening is twice as hard.”listening is twice as hard.”


By The Numbers By The Numbers The way we communicate:The way we communicate:

9% Writing9% Writing 16% Reading16% Reading 35% Talking35% Talking 40% Listening40% Listening

* Based on the research of Dr. Ralph Nichols. Author of “Are You Listening” * Based on the research of Dr. Ralph Nichols. Author of “Are You Listening”


The Word is Out The Word is Out A recent survey revealed:A recent survey revealed:

Individuals listen about 25% of the Individuals listen about 25% of the timetime

Most people recall only 50% of what Most people recall only 50% of what they hearthey hear

70% of all misunderstandings 70% of all misunderstandings happen because people do not listen happen because people do not listen to each otherto each other


We We AllAll Suffer From Tune-Out Suffer From Tune-Out

We have the ability to listen at a rate We have the ability to listen at a rate of ___ to ___ words per minute. of ___ to ___ words per minute.

We can speak at a rate of ___ to ___ We can speak at a rate of ___ to ___ words per minute. words per minute.

That means we can tune-out up to That means we can tune-out up to ___ words per minute.___ words per minute.

* Based on the research of Dr. Ralph Nichols. Author of “Are You Listening?” * Based on the research of Dr. Ralph Nichols. Author of “Are You Listening?”


How Well Do You Listen? How Well Do You Listen?

Take out six letters and it will reveal Take out six letters and it will reveal a very popular word.a very popular word.

What word did it reveal? What word did it reveal?

SBXNIAELTASREANTSSBXNIAELTASREANTS


Listening Styles Listening Styles Which one are you?Which one are you?

1. The Presumer: Jumps to conclusions

2. The Selective: Zeros in on a word or phrase

3. The Partial Attender: Focuses on what they are going to say.

Gender Differences Gender Differences When listening women make more When listening women make more

noises like “mm-hmm” – “ah-ha”noises like “mm-hmm” – “ah-ha” Men are more likely to listen in Men are more likely to listen in

silence.silence. Women are more inclined to face Women are more inclined to face

each other and make eye contacteach other and make eye contact Men are more likely to look away. Men are more likely to look away.



Good Listening HabitsGood Listening Habits

1.1. Patience:Patience: Be patient with yourself Be patient with yourself and the speaker. Do not interrupt.and the speaker. Do not interrupt.

2.2. Focus:Focus: Send verbal and non-verbal Send verbal and non-verbal cues to the sender.cues to the sender.

3.3. Open-mindedness:Open-mindedness: Don’t become Don’t become emotional. React and respond to emotional. React and respond to what is being said, not the speaker. what is being said, not the speaker.


Active Active ListeningListening

Worth Remembering …Worth Remembering …““There is no such thing as a bad There is no such thing as a bad

listener … There is only a person with listener … There is only a person with inflexible listening habits.” - Larsoninflexible listening habits.” - Larson


5-Steps to 5-Steps to ActiveActive Listening Listening

Listen to understand Listen to understand not necessarily to not necessarily to agreeagree

Give the sender your Give the sender your full attentionfull attention

Ask questions for Ask questions for clarityclarity

Summarize and Summarize and paraphraseparaphrase

Tune into words, Tune into words, feelings and body feelings and body language.language.

Copyright 2015 - Brian Smith-PLDCopyright 2015 - Brian Smith-PLD

5050

Different Strokes Different Strokes Adopt your style to communicate with:Adopt your style to communicate with:

DominantDominant Style Style InteractiveInteractive Style Style Steadiness Steadiness StyleStyle ConscientiousConscientious Style Style

Building RelationshipsBuilding Relationships

The 3 R’s The 3 R’s 1.1.Rapport Rapport 2.2.RelationshipRelationship3.3.Respect Respect


Personalities Personalities 1.1. Passive AggressivePassive Aggressive: : Usually quiet Usually quiet

and agreeable in the conflict but will and agreeable in the conflict but will get even with you later. get even with you later.

2.2. AssertiveAssertive: : Assertive people are Assertive people are open, honest and direct.open, honest and direct.

3.3. Active AggressiveActive Aggressive:: Can be Can be verbally or physically abusive. They verbally or physically abusive. They will try and bully you. will try and bully you.


Passive Aggressive Passive Aggressive Meet with them privately Meet with them privately Make them responsible for their Make them responsible for their

words and actions words and actions Encourage them to be more Encourage them to be more

assertive, open, honest and direct assertive, open, honest and direct Avoid treating them with covert Avoid treating them with covert

manipulation manipulation Take a problem solving approach Take a problem solving approach


AssertiveAssertive Listen Listen Restate what they said, and your Restate what they said, and your

point of viewpoint of view Be respectfully assertive Be respectfully assertive Focus on the facts Focus on the facts Have your opinion noted Have your opinion noted Refuse to argue Refuse to argue


Active Aggressive Active Aggressive Agree with the element of truth in Agree with the element of truth in

the outburst the outburst Be respectfully assertive Be respectfully assertive Ask for a private meeting later Ask for a private meeting later Be sincere – avoid sarcasmBe sincere – avoid sarcasm Downplay your observation of their Downplay your observation of their

emotional state emotional state


Resolving Conflict Resolving Conflict

Worth Remembering … Worth Remembering …

““Knowledge of other persons beliefs Knowledge of other persons beliefs and ways of thinking must be used to and ways of thinking must be used to build bridges, not to create conflicts” build bridges, not to create conflicts” - Kjell Bondevik- Kjell Bondevik


Disagreement Disagreement

1.1. Disagreement:Disagreement: When each of you When each of you have a different opinion about a have a different opinion about a subject, of which neither of you subject, of which neither of you have the ability to alter. When the have the ability to alter. When the discussion gets old, resolve these discussion gets old, resolve these quickly by respecting each others quickly by respecting each others opinion and agreeing to disagree. opinion and agreeing to disagree.


Misunderstanding Misunderstanding Misunderstanding:Misunderstanding: When When communication breaks down and only communication breaks down and only part of the message gets through. part of the message gets through. Resolve with courtesy, assertiveness, Resolve with courtesy, assertiveness, and most important – good listening and most important – good listening skills. skills.


True Conflict True Conflict True ConflictTrue Conflict: : Occurs when one party Occurs when one party gets what they want and the other gets what they want and the other party can’t get what they want. Try party can’t get what they want. Try these four steps: these four steps: 1.1.Separate the people & the problemSeparate the people & the problem2.2.Focus on needs not wants Focus on needs not wants 3.3.Come up with all the options Come up with all the options 4.4.Result based on objective standardResult based on objective standard


Creative Problem Solving Creative Problem Solving


““Diplomacy is the business of handling Diplomacy is the business of handling a porcupine without disturbing the a porcupine without disturbing the quills”quills”


Problem Solving Skills Problem Solving Skills Deal with the problem immediatelyDeal with the problem immediately Define the problem carefully Define the problem carefully Separate the people from the Separate the people from the

problem problem Determine the desired outcome Determine the desired outcome Make a list of practical solutions Make a list of practical solutions Don’t get trapped into thinking there Don’t get trapped into thinking there

is only one resolution is only one resolution


Negotiating Win-Wins Negotiating Win-Wins

Question:Question:What is negotiation?What is negotiation?What things do we negotiate?What things do we negotiate?What is the goal of an effective What is the goal of an effective negotiation? negotiation?


Negotiation Negotiation


““Negotiation is the art of letting Negotiation is the art of letting someone else have your way” someone else have your way” - David Frost - David Frost


Negotiation Styles Negotiation Styles

Forcing Forcing

Compromising Compromising

Accommodating Accommodating

Collaborating Collaborating


Forcing Forcing Usually takes less timeUsually takes less time It can lead to an autocratic victory is It can lead to an autocratic victory is

you have more power than the other you have more power than the other personperson

Forcing can lead to a stalemate Forcing can lead to a stalemate The other side usually becomes The other side usually becomes

resentful resentful


Worth Remembering Worth Remembering

Forcing: Forcing: ““Never corner an opponent, and always Never corner an opponent, and always assist them to save face …Avoid self-assist them to save face …Avoid self-righteousness like the devil – there is righteousness like the devil – there is nothing so self-blinding” – Basil Hart nothing so self-blinding” – Basil Hart


Compromising Compromising It’s the natural strategy for most It’s the natural strategy for most

peoplepeople Both sides win-lose, give-takeBoth sides win-lose, give-take Have a feeling of giving in Have a feeling of giving in May become disappointed because May become disappointed because

neither gets exactly what they want neither gets exactly what they want



Compromising:Compromising:““Be careful not to compromise what Be careful not to compromise what you want most for what you want you want most for what you want now” - Zig Ziglar now” - Zig Ziglar


Accommodating Accommodating You give in and the conflict is over You give in and the conflict is over

quickly quickly You could get people to owe you a You could get people to owe you a

favorfavor You may lose a lot by giving up earlyYou may lose a lot by giving up early You could lose power and be seen as You could lose power and be seen as

a softya softy



Accommodating: Accommodating:

““Place a higher priority on discovering Place a higher priority on discovering what a win looks like for the other what a win looks like for the other person” – Harvey Robins person” – Harvey Robins


Collaborating Collaborating

Both sides can win Both sides can win Personal relationships can improve Personal relationships can improve Collaborating can take a long time Collaborating can take a long time People with a forceful style could see People with a forceful style could see this style as being weakthis style as being weak



Collaborating: Collaborating: ““If you choose to be a negotiator, you If you choose to be a negotiator, you eliminate worry about whether you eliminate worry about whether you deserve to be successful” deserve to be successful” - Theodore Zeldin- Theodore Zeldin


Overcoming BarriersOvercoming Barriers

1.1.The Competitive Approach The Competitive Approach 2.2.The Collaborative Approach The Collaborative Approach 3.3.Principled Negotiation Principled Negotiation


Competitive Approach Competitive Approach

A manipulative approach designed to A manipulative approach designed to intimidate intimidate

Confrontation leads to rigidity Confrontation leads to rigidity One sides gain is the other sides loss One sides gain is the other sides loss


Collaborative Approach Collaborative Approach

Gains are not necessarily viewed as Gains are not necessarily viewed as at the expense of the other party at the expense of the other party Problems resolved through Problems resolved through application of intelligence and application of intelligence and creativity creativity Ensures buy-in from all parties Ensures buy-in from all parties


Principled Negotiation Principled Negotiation

Consider each parties perception Consider each parties perception Focus on interest not positions Focus on interest not positions


Negotiate This Negotiate This

Divide this into 4 equal parts - All the Divide this into 4 equal parts - All the same size and all the same shapesame size and all the same shape. .


Your Action Plan Your Action Plan

What is the one thing that you are What is the one thing that you are going to take away with you today going to take away with you today and start to make the kinds of and start to make the kinds of changes you need to make? changes you need to make?

Give me a call – I’m here to help Give me a call – I’m here to help



Thank You Thank You

Thank you for attending and Thank you for attending and participating in this workshop. participating in this workshop.

I hope you got your I hope you got your WIIFMWIIFM today. today.

Give me a Call – Let’s Talk Give me a Call – Let’s Talk

Twitter: http://twitter.com/briansmithpld Linkedin: http://ca.linkedin.com/in/briansmithpld Web: http://briansmithpld.com

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You Don't Have to Like Them - Just Learn to Work With Them