© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-1 Chapter 4 Revising and Proofreading Business Messages

© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited.© 2007 by Nelson, a division of Thomson Canada Limited. Ch. 4-1

Chapter 4Chapter 4Chapter 4Chapter 4

Revising and Proofreading Business Messages


Revising and ProofreadingRevising and Proofreading

Revising: Improving content and sentence structure.

May involve adding, cutting, recasting.

Proofreading: Correcting grammar, spelling, punctuation, format, and mechanics.


Concise WordingConcise Wording

Revise your messages to eliminate wordiness.

Instead of this:We are of the opinion that

Please feel free to

In addition to the above

At this point in time

Despite the fact that

Try this:We think

Please

Also

Now

Although


Wordy Prepositional PhrasesWordy Prepositional Phrases

Instead of this:We don’t as a general rule cash personal cheques.

Students in very few instances receive parking tickets.

She calls meetings on a monthly basis.

Try this:We don’t generally cash personal cheques.

Students seldom receive parking tickets.

She calls monthly meetings.


Long Lead-InsLong Lead-Ins

Instead of this:

This memo is to inform

you that all employees

meet today.

I am writing this letter to say thanks to everyone who voted.

Try this:All employees meet today.

Thanks to everyone who voted.


Outdated ExpressionsOutdated Expressions

Outdated:

as per your request

thanking you in advance

attached hereunto

under separate cover

Modern:

at your request

thank you

attached

separately


Needless AdverbsNeedless Adverbs

To sound more credible and to streamline your writing, omit adverbs such as definitely, quite, really, actually, and so forth.

Instead of this:The manager is actually quite pleased with your proposal because the plan is definitely workable.

Try this:The manager is pleased with your proposal because the plan is workable.


FillersFillers

Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there and it when used merely to take up space.

Instead of this:There are two employees who should be promoted.

It was Lisa and Jeff who were singled out.

Try this:Two employees should be promoted.

Lisa and Jeff were singled out.


Try Your SkillTry Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase, outdated expression, needless adverb, filler, and/or other forms of wordiness. This e-mail message is to inform you that in all

probability we will actually finish in two weeks.

We will probably finish in two weeks.



Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase, outdated expression, needless adverb, filler, and/or other forms of wordiness. There are many brokers who are quite certain

that these stocks are completely safe. Many brokers are certain that these stocks are safe.



Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase, outdated expression, needless adverb, filler, and/or other forms of wordiness. Pursuant to your request, there are two

contracts that are attached hereto.

As you requested, two contracts are attached.



Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase, outdated expression, needless adverb, filler, and/or other forms of wordiness. All employees are hereby informed that as a

general rule computers may not be used for personal activities. Generally, employees may not use computers for personal activities.


Redundant WordsRedundant Words

Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What words could be omitted in these expressions?

advance warning

close proximity

exactly identical

filled to capacity

final outcome

necessary requisite

new beginning

past history

refer back

thought and consideration


JargonJargon

Avoid technical terms and special terminology that readers would not recognize.

Computer jargon:queue

export

bandwidth

Alternative language:list of documents waiting to

be printedtransfer data from one

program to anotherInternet capacity

Is jargon ever permissible?


SlangSlang

Avoid slang (informal expressions with arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).

clueless

turkey

chill/chill out

unaware, naïve

someone stupid or silly

relax


ClichésClichés

Avoid clichés (overused expressions) by substituting more precise words.

Last but not least, you should keep your nose to the grindstone.

We had reached the end of our rope.

Finally, you should work diligently.

We could go no farther.



Revise the following sentence to avoid slang, clichés, and redundancies. Last but not least, the accountant referred back

to an exactly identical case.

Finally, the accountant referred to an identical case.



Revise the following sentence to avoid slang, clichés, and redundancies. With a little advance warning, we could have

sold out before our stocks tanked.

With warning, we could have sold out before our stocks hit bottom.



Revise the following sentence to avoid slang, clichés, and redundancies. Ms. Miller, who shoots straight from the hip,

demanded final completion by January 1.

Ms. Miller, who is straightforward, demanded completion by January 1.


Precise VerbsPrecise Verbs

Revise your writing to include precise verbs instead of general, lackluster, all-purpose ones.

Market researchers said that profits would improve.

What more precise verbs could replace said?Market researchers forecasted improved profits.

Market researchers promised improved profits.

Market researchers predicted improved profits.



Revise verbs that have been converted to nouns.

The manager came to the realization that telecommuting made sense.The manager realized that telecommuting made sense.

An application must be made by the job seeker.The job seeker must apply.



TIP:

Look for words ending in tion or ment.

Could they be more efficiently and forcefully converted to verbs?



Revise the following sentence using more precise verbs. The seller said she would contact you.

The seller promised to e-mail [telephone or fax] you.



Revise the following sentence describing the action using a verb. We must give encouragement to our team.

We must encourage our team.



Revise the following sentence describing the action using a verb. Have you made an application for employment?

Have you applied for employment?



Revise the following sentence describing the action using a verb. A duty of the general manager is the calculation

of monthly sales.

The general manager calculates monthly sales.



Revise the following sentence describing the action using a verb. The establishment of new methods was effected

by Kevin.

Kevin established new methods.


Concrete NounsConcrete Nouns

Revise your writing to include specific, concrete nouns instead of general, abstract ones.

The man asked for a raise.

Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent salary increase.

An employee presented a proposal.

Kelly Keeler, production manager, presented a plan to stagger hours.


Vivid AdjectivesVivid Adjectives

Revise your writing to include descriptive, dynamic adjectives instead of overworked, all-purpose ones.

The report was good.

The report was persuasive (or detailed, original, thorough, painstaking, complete, comprehensive).

The report was bad.

(Possible revisions?)


What to Watch for in Proofreading

What to Watch for in Proofreading

Spelling

Grammar

Punctuation

Names and numbers

Format

Consistency


How to Proofread Complex Documents


Print a copy, preferably double-spaced, and set it aside.

Allow adequate time. Be prepared to find errors. Read once for meaning and once for

grammar/mechanics. Reduce your reading speed.




For documents that must be perfect: Have someone read aloud the original while

someone else checks the printout. Spell names. Spell difficult words. Note capitalization. Note punctuation.


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