8/10/2019 10 Tips for Successful Family Meetings
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10 Tips for Successful Family Meetings
by R.J. Fetsch and B. Jacobson*
Revised by C.J. Kemp, A. Quinn, & C.A. Fruhauf** !"#!$%
Quick Facts...
ost fami'ies ar(ue and some fami'ies have ar(uments )here
pushin(, s'appin(, hittin(, etc.
are invo'ved. o matter )hat, a'' fami'ies can 'earn different
strate(ies to discuss difficu't
issues.
+eop'e are more 'ie'y to suffer vio'ence and ne('ect from those
c'osest to them than from
stran(ers. -hree fema'e partners, three chi'dren, and t)o ma'e
partners are i''ed by fami'y members
every day in the nited /tates.
Adu'ts )ho e0perienced vio'ent chi'dhoods are more 'ie'y to
abuse chi'dren and romantic
partners than those )ho e0perienced 'itt'e or no vio'ence as
chi'dren.
Fami'y meetin(s are a structured discussion that can he'p fami'y
an(er decrease. Fami'ies can use
these discussions to reso've specific conf'icts that mi(ht have
1ust been ar(ued about in the past.
Fami'ies mi(ht use these meetin(s to discuss issues such as,
house ru'es, vacation p'ans, sib'in(
riva'ry, chan(es in the fami'y structure, etc. /pecific
(uide'ines to see if it is safe for your fami'y to
conduct a fami'y meetin( are 'isted. 2ne ey indicator of
determinin( fami'y safety is the )ay
coup'e3s hand'e conf'ict.Ar(uments bet)een coup'es can be
c'assified into three different types. -he first type is
non4vio'ent
in )hich coup'es may or may not ye'' at each other and may
resort to name4ca''in(, criticism,
defensiveness, and#or contempt. 5o)ever, throu(hout the ar(ument
both partners fee' physica''y
and emotiona''y safe. A second type of ar(uin( is ca''ed common
coup'es3 vio'ence. 6n this type of
ar(uin(, one or both partners mi(ht ye''7 use name4ca''in(,
criticism, defensiveness, and contempt7
mi(ht a'so push, shove, and# or hit each other7 and mi(ht thro)
ob1ects in (enera' or at each other.
6n this second type, both partners sti'' fee' physica''y and
emotiona''y safe durin( the ar(ument. 6n
these first t)o types of ar(uments, both partners fee' as thou(h
they have re'ative'y e8ua' po)er in
the re'ationship. 9ast'y, there are coup'es )hose ar(uments
c'assify as intimate partner vio'ence.
-ypica''y, this is )here one partner is tryin( to intimidate,
hurt, scare, harass, and#or manipu'ate the
other partner. -his third type of ar(uin( is )here one partner
ho'ds more po)er in the re'ationship
and may physica''y and#or financia''y iso'ate and#or physica''y,
emotiona''y, and#or menta''y hurt
the other partner and any chi'dren or anima's in the
househo'd.
By providin( research4based an(er and conf'ict mana(ement
strate(ies in our homes and in our
fami'ies, )e can reduce and prevent ar(uments and vio'ence. :e
a'so be'ieve that on(oin( (ood
communication bet)een fami'ies can decrease ar(uments and
vio'ence and increase fami'y
satisfaction. A revie) of four computer databases over the past
;< years !=>$4"
artic'es on fami'y meetin(s or fami'y counci's. -hese artic'es
su((est that there are many positive
benefits to fami'y meetin(s, such as enhancin( mora' reasonin(
in youth, increased positive youth
behavior, and increased effective fami'y decision main(. 6f you
find that these tips do not )or for
your re'ationship and#or fami'y, p'ease see support from a
trusted friend or re'ative, therapist,counse'or, and#or spiritua'
'eader.
Is Your Family Ready for Meetings?
An e0ce''ent )ay for fami'ies to communicate is throu(h re(u'ar
fami'y meetin(s. -his
communication strate(y can enhance mora' reasonin( and mana(e
an(er 'on( before it turns into
vio'ence. Re(u'ar fami'y meetin(s can promote fami'y harmony by
providin( a safe time and p'ace
for main( decisions, reco(ni?in( (ood thin(s happenin( in the
fami'y, settin( up ru'es, distributin(
chores fair'y, sett'in( conf'icts, and pointin( out individua'
stren(ths.
/ome fami'ies are ready for se'f4directed enrichment and prob'em
so'vin( and other fami'ies may
first )ant to uti'i?e fami'y or marria(e therapy in order to
decrease ar(uments or vio'ence in the
househo'd. -o he'p assess )hether your fami'y is ready to try
fami'y meetin(s, ans)er the fo''o)in(
8uestions@!. 6s the parent, or parents, )ho 'ive in the
househo'd committed to usin( )ords and
communication to so've prob'ems as a fami'y instead of
vio'ence
". 6n a t)o4parent fami'y, do both parents fee' as thou(h they
share re'ative'y e8ua' po)er in their
coup'e3s re'ationship e.(. both partners fee' as thou(h they
have an e8ua' say in decision
main(7 that your partner taes your opinion into account )hen
main( decisions, etc.%
8/10/2019 10 Tips for Successful Family Meetings
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Be(in and end on time. uard meetin( times and encoura(e hi(h
commitment by eepin( them a
hi(h priority. /ometimes discussions can run over4time so one
parent shou'd appoint themse'ves the
time4eeper. At !< minutes before the meetin( is over, the
time4eeper parent shou'd see if fami'y
members be'ieve the discussion )i'' be reso'ved in !< minutes
or if they )ant to e0tend the meetin(
time or schedu'e a ne) meetin( to continue the discussion.
". Rotate meeting responsi#ilities $e.g.% leader% secretary and
timekeeper&.
-reatin( everybody as e8ua's provides a'' fami'y members )ith
practice at prob'em so'vin(.
Incoura(e a'' to be (ood 'isteners. -he ori(ina' 'eader shou'd
be an adu't fami'y member )ho can
be a ro'e mode' of positive#open communication and 'istenin(
si''s and mediation si''s. -he'eader starts and ends the meetin( on
time and he'ps the fami'y deve'op the ru'es to fo''o). 2ne
e0amp'e of a ru'e is@ 2n'y one person speas at a time7 the rest
'isten )e'' enou(h so they can repeat
bac to the speaer3s satisfaction )hat he or she said and fee's.
-he 'eader maes sure a'' points of
vie) are heard.
-he 'eader a'so eeps the communication focused on one topic at a
time and ends the meetin( on
time. At the end of the meetin(, the fami'y decides )ho )i'' be
the 'eader, secretary and timeeeper
ne0t time. /ome fami'ies choose to have a secretary )ho eeps
minutes of decisions and
a(reements. -he secretary a'so can record activities and
dead'ines on a ca'endar for a'' to see. -he
ne0t meetin( can be(in )ith a re4cap by the secretary. -he
minutes can be a fami'y 1ourna' that is
ept to 'oo bac on in 'ater years. -he ro'es of 'eader and
secretary can be rotated amon( the adu'ts
unti' everyone fee's at ease )ith ho) to conduct an effective
fami'y meetin(. -hen these ro'es canbe rotated amon( youn(er
chi'dren as )e''. Eouth may need assistance )ith their ro'e as
'eader and
parents )i'' )ant to ne(otiate ho) to provide assistance )ithout
overtain( the 'eader ro'e.
/ome fami'ies may decide that rotatin( ro'es especia''y for
youth youn(er than > years% may not be
effective and that certain ro'es mi(ht not be necessary )hereas
other ro'es such as, referee, co4
'eader, ru'e4maintainer, etc.% mi(ht be more needed. +arents may
)ant to try co4'eadin( )ith any
youth )ho do not be'ieve he#she is ready to be a 'eader. -ryin(
anythin( ne) is (oin( to tae (ettin(
used to, so try one sty'e of fami'y meetin(s for a fe) )ees and
then mae chan(es to the sty'e to
best fit your fami'y.
'. (ncourage all family mem#ers to participate.
6n a safe environment, fami'y members can e0press their opinions
)ithout punishment or
reta'iation. /ho) 'ots of 'ove parents may need to ro'e4mode'
this durin( difficu't discussions%.). *iscuss one topic and sol+e
one pro#lem at a time.
-he fami'y may )ant to start by everyone sharin( some of their
ma1or (rievances and a'so some
positive moments )ithin the fami'y. -he topics% of discussion in
the fami'y meetin( shou'd be
somethin( that affects the )ho'e fami'y. For instance, if the
issue 1ust affects the parents or t)o of
the sib'in(s, then this shou'd not be discussed at the fami'y
meetin(.
-he 'eader mi(ht start the discussion )ith, G-he prob'em )e )ant
to so've today is .... 6 su((est )e
devote ... minutes to this issue. 6s this a(reeab'eH 9ater the
fami'y can rene(otiate more time if
necessary. As the 'eader notices the discussion movin( off trac,
he or she mi(ht say@ G-hat sounds
'ie an issue )e may )ant to discuss at another time. But for no)
the issue )e3re here to discuss
is ....H As the 'eader notices someone interruptin( the speaer,
he or she mi(ht say@ GI0cuse me,
nameL. :e )ant to hear your opinion because it is important to
us. Cou'd you ho'd it unti' nameL
is finished ta'in(H -his type of 'eadership may be difficu't for
chi'dren, so a parent may need to
step in to foster the chi'd3s 'eadership capabi'ities. /ome
chi'dren may be ab'e to better voice their
concerns throu(h )ritin(, dra)in(, and ro'e p'ayin(. 6t is
important in these meetin(s to uti'i?e
stren(ths of each fami'y member to he'p discuss and reso've the
issue.
2ne or both parents may )ant to summari?e the discussion to eep
the fami'y on trac )hen the
focus moves to another unreso'ved issue. +arents )i'' )ant to
'oo for nonverba' and verba' si(ns
that a fami'y member is uncomfortab'e )ith somethin(. 6f one or
more fami'y members are
uncomfortab'e, then a parent may )ant to ca'' a time4out to the
meetin( and chec in )ith each
fami'y member.
,. -se Imessages.2ften )hen )e are upset )e start sentences )ith
GEou are soM..H or GEou do this a'' the time and it
maes me madH or a simi'ar version. :hen the person )e are ta'in(
to hears this, they
immediate'y (o on the defense. 5o)ever, )hen you are sharin(
this information often you are
tryin( to voice a concern or emotion. -ry startin( sentences
)ith G6 fee' sad )henMH or G6 (et upset
