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Are you mature??? Read to find out!
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12 Ways To Know If You Are You Emotionally Mature?
Just because you are an adult does not mean you are emotionally mature. Many of us can think of
people in our lives who do not take responsibility for their actions, are unable to make
commitments, are very selfish, dependent on their family members financially, or have difficulties
handling emotional responses such as anger or disappointment. Many of these people are still
emotionally immature to some degree.
Why is it important to be emotionally mature? Emotional maturity allows us to be happy within
our own lives and in our relationships. Emotionally maturity equips us with qualities to be able to
be self-sustainable, to grow and change, and to have meaningful relationships with others. Being
emotionally immature may prevent you from making friends or having a committed and long-lasting
relationship. Someone who is emotionally immature may not be able to receive opportunities or
promotions at work, and may actually be more likely to not be employed based on their inability to
take additional responsibilities or to follow through on commitments. Emotional immaturity basically
places someone in a position where he will have limited and sometimes superficial interactions in
the world.
Being emotional immature prevents you from reaching your goals. Emotional maturity is necessary
for having a healthy marriage, starting your own business or achieving daily goals such as being
healthier or handling your personal finances better. Without emotional maturity, you are more likely
to not succeed in many aspects of your life.
So here are the top signs of emotional maturity.
1. You cope well with change. A person who is emotionally mature will not resist change. The
change may be difficult for that person to make, but someone emotionally mature will realize
that this change is necessary. An emotionally mature can handle changes and will adjust for
those changes.
2. You are concerned with the thoughts and feelings of others. You are able to share love
with others and realize that everything is not revolved around your wants and needs. You
create an environment where you can place another’s needs above yours. You don’t
demand constant attention from others. You feel secure with yourself and are not jealous
that your friends or significant other spend time with different people. You give respect to
other people. You are able to open yourself to new ideas that others have about the world.
You care that you might be hurting someone’s feelings.
3. You can control your emotions. When you are angry, you do NOT verbally or physically
hurt someone. You can handle criticism, and do not feel attacked every time you receive
criticism. You are able to forgive others and do not hold grudges for past actions. You do not
become very frustrated with other people and have patience for mistakes that people make.
4. You seek solutions to problems in your life. When faced with challenges, you
do not show self-pity and take little action to improve your situation. You are willing to find
different solutions to address the challenges in your life.
5. You rely on yourself for your own care and have personal responsibility. You are able
to handle your own finances independently. You do not need the advice of your parents or
loved ones to make daily choices about bills to pay and how to best spend your money. You
do not rely on other people for your well –being. You manage your finances well.
6. You are patient with your wants. You do not always have to gratify your needs. You have
self-control with your actions and can delay your gratifications.
7. You are hopeful. You believe that life can change and get better. You realize that life does
not control your situation. You understand that with faith, effort and acceptance, things can
improve. You believe that the choices you make can change your lifestyle.
8. You are a giver. You are able to give back to others. Not everything is about taking and
using situations and people to achieve what you want. You believe in returning favors to
others. You happily do kind things for loved ones. You are willing to sacrifice some of
yourself to help someone achieve something he or she needs or wants.
9. You are independent. You can make your own decisions about life. You can take
responsibility for your actions and can handle commitments. You are not afraid to be
independent and do not feel completely lost when doing something on your own.
10. You are resilient. When times get tough, you learn to adjust and handle those difficulties.
This may be a lengthy process but resilience happens. During breakups you do not spend
years being unable to move on. Instead, you learn to move on, adjust and try and handle the
situation. When being laid off work, you do not sit around at home, unable to apply to jobs
and living off unemployment. You keep searching for jobs, sending out your resume and take
advantage of any opportunity you can get.
11. You can step out of your comfort zone. You are willing to do something out of the ordinary
and gradually get away from a situation that may seem secure. You can take risks in
relationships, your career or with life decisions. You are able to pursue your dreams and
purpose, even if it involves you doing something that feels a bit uncomfortable at first.
12. You live in the present. You don’t allow past circumstances to strongly impact how you live
now. You are able to realize that people change, and can learn to forgive. You try to not
repeat mistakes from your past. You try to not misapply what happened in the past to what is
happening now (i.e. my last relationship didn’t work so now this relationship will not work).
You believe that the present can be different from your past.
So what now? Perhaps after reading through this you realize that you might be emotionally
immature in some areas of your life. You still might continue to be unsure about whether or not you
are emotionally mature. Here are some brief tips to help get you started on the road to emotional
maturity.
1. 1. Ask others for their input. If you are really unsure about if you are emotionally
immature then get the feedback of others. Ask for feedback and be aware of how you
respond to that feedback. If you do not want to get the feedback of others, then that is a sign
of emotional immaturity. If you do not want to take anyone’s opinion seriously, then that is a
sign of emotional immaturity. If you find yourself feeling extremely upset about hearing
someone’s criticism of you, then that might be a sign you are emotionally immature.
2. 2. Seek counseling. In whatever area you are hurting in, counseling can help. If you can
be abusive or have trouble handling your anger, then anger management counseling would
be beneficial. Relationship counseling may be necessary if you are having struggles
maintaining a healthy marriage or relationship. Look into hiring a life coach or mentor, if you
really need some motivation about life planning skills and becoming more independent. If
you feel counseling is useless, unnecessary or not something you can be bothered with, then
that is a sign of emotional immaturity.
3. 3. Take classes at a local college. If you are suffering from dependency, lack of
commitment or financial issues then take classes that might help you break away from those
traits. There are some basic life courses typically offered at colleges that will help with
financial management, time management, and more practical ways to live your daily life. Be
on the lookout for classes that help you with job hunting, resume building, or other practices
that teach you how to be more responsible at work. You can attend a distance class or one
only available locally. Fortunately, there are now many options available for people to take at
least one class affordably. If you feel you can’t commit to a class or are unable to show up to
class or do assignments, then that is a sign of emotional immaturity.
4. 4. Surround yourself with a strong support network. If you have realized that you are
emotionally immature then find people who can help you through this process. Try not to
make this another reason to be dependent on someone, but as a mutually beneficial way to
help the both of you grow together. As an example, if you have a hard time moving out of
your home, then find a friend who can help you make these steps. Go apartment searching
with your friend. Organize a budget plan with your friend so that you can make better
financial decisions now that you are leaving the nest. When you move into a new place, have
someone you can call whenever you feel lonely or lost. If you feel your friends are useless,
do not want to do anything to help your friend, or do not want your friends to help you then
you may be emotional immature.
5. 5. Work hard at a goal. Think about the things you want in your life. Do you want a
happier marriage, have a decent paying job, be able to lose weight, or save an extra $200
per month? Whatever your goal is, start working on trying to achieve that goal. Try to not
focus on too many goals. For now, focus on just one of the goals that you have
listed. Feeling that setting goals is a waste of time or believing you do not have control over
your situation is a sign of emotional immaturity.
6. Accept your failures and believe you can change. Continue to be positive and realize that
you may have some failures but that these can change. Everyone fails at some point. This is
a process that everyone has to overcome. You will overcome this and it’s okay to fail
sometimes.
7. Be responsible. Start accepting tasks that have some degree of responsibility. Start small
and try to not overwhelm yourself. Do something that will involve you to step out of your
boundaries and accept responsibilities. Make a promise to your significant other and stick to
it. Ask to try and learn a new skill for your job. Commit to volunteering somewhere for a few
hours per week.
How to Become Emotionally Mature
This passage gives you a little insight into emotional maturity. Hal’s immediate reaction was to
simply act out his negative emotions. Instead, he made a decision to respond in a more positive
(emotionally mature) way. Notice how that decision resulted in a shift in his emotional energy.
I define emotional maturity as the ability to make good, positive, healthy choices during the
challenges of life. The following chart illustrates some of the differences in the mindset of someone
who is acting emotionally immature vs. mature.
Emotional Immaturity Emotional Maturity
Reactive (Life happens to me)Act out emotionsGoverned by habitCome from fear/scarcity“Have to” motivationGetting (self-centered)Seek security and self-protectionAvoid failure, rejection, discomfortSeparation/alienation from othersLive in the past/future
Proactive (I make choices)Act on emotionsGoverned by vision/purposeCome from love/abundance“Choose to” motivationGiving (other-centered)Step outside comfort zoneSeek growthUnity/goodwill with othersLive in the present
I label difficult, upsetting events “key moments.” These are events that trigger strong emotions and
so it is easy to become defensive or reactive.
We experience key moments every day. Some are relatively minor (a child knocking over a glass
of milk) or others quite threatening (watching a child flounder or losing a job).
Consciously or unconsciously, we make choices during our key moments, and the quality of our
lives is determined by these choices. If we make good choices we grow in confidence, personal
effectiveness, and enjoyable relationships (emotional maturity). When we make poor choices we
become less effective, eventually feeling like nothing more than a pawn of life circumstances
(emotional immaturity).
However, making good choices is not easy. In fact, Hal (from the incident above) could not sustain
his intent to be cordial and cooperative. He totally lost his composure when his former partners
threatened him with a lawsuit. Hal eventually regained his bearings and learned to respond
positively to such key moments, but not before sinking into a morass of self-pity and vengeance.
I’m going to suggest that our key moments are how we develop emotional maturity. We don’t
become more mature when the waters of life are calm and placid and everything is going our way.
We grow in maturity when in turbulent, choppy waters. When tempted to act out our fears, hurts, or
resentments.
So the question is, how do we develop emotional maturity? Here are five steps to go through when
you face the key moments of your life. Think about a recent key moment. Then read the five steps
and apply them to your situation. It’s not easy, at first, like learning any new skill. But as you
practice, you’ll get better. You’ll gradually become more emotionally mature, living on the right
rather than left side of the chart up above.
Step 1: Be present. You can’t choose better responses to your key moments if you’re asleep at
the wheel. You have to wake up and become fully conscious and present to what is happening
both within and around you. If not alert and aware, you’ll quickly slip into old, habitual, negative
ways of reacting. Being present does not making responding easy. But it does put you in the
driver’s seat. It makes it possible. So, thinking about your key moment, what was the triggering
event? What, specifically, about the event triggered your reaction? What were your thoughts?
Feelings? What did you do? What were the consequences?
By being present you begin to take your power back. In fact, do you realize that this moment is all
you have? When can you be happy (or miserable)? When can you be confident? When can you
make choices? It all happens in this moment, not the past or future. Being present to this moment
is the gateway to change and emotional maturity.
Step 2: Embrace Reality. Reality is “what is” or “the way things are.” It exists independently of
your opinions about it. Embrace it and find peace. Resist it and experience pain and frustration.
Some of your realities you chose (career, who you married) and others were thrust upon you by
your heritage (your stature, age) or other factors outside your control. Nevertheless, they form the
boundaries or parameters within which you live and make choices daily. This is not to say that you
can’t change some realities. Some you can. Some you can’t. But at this moment (which is the only
moment that is real), what is, is. To be happy and effective, you must acknowledge and respect
rather than fight against the realities of your life.
Denying, avoiding, complaining, or refusing to think about uncomfortable realities gives those very
things incredible power over your life. If you are worried about your finances, sit down and take
stock of exactly where you are — how much you owe, for example, and exactly how you will pay it
off. Fun? No. Wildly uncomfortable? Words can’t express it! But by taking ownership of the reality,
you’ve now equipped yourself to change it.
Step 3: Exercise Responsibility. Responsibility has to do with the choices you make about how
to think, feel and act about reality. The quality of your life depends on your ability to make good
choices—choices consistent with your best self and long-term best-interest—in spite of what
happens to you. Your personal experience and the results you get in life are influenced, not
determined, by circumstances, events, and other people. Between an event and your response is
a moment, however fleeting, when you decide whether to surrender control and react
automatically, or to interrupt a negative pattern and search out responses more in alignment with
your long-term self-interest.
So again, think about your key moment. What choices did you make? What were the
consequences? What other choices might you have made? How would they have led to a different
outcome?
Step 4: Clarify Your Vision. What do you really want? What is most important to you? Being clear
about your vision gives you the motivation or incentive to make good choices when in a key
moment. It is easy to follow the path of least resistance or act out negative emotions. But, if you’ve
thought about what you want, if you have a clear vision of the outcomes you desire for yourself
and others, then it becomes easier to delay immediate gratification and exercise the discipline to
make a positive and strengthening choice. A clear vision allows you to be ruled by something other
than impulse and circumstance. Define what you want. Deepen it so that it becomes more
important than what you’re currently getting.
Step 5: Act from Integrity. This is where the rubber meets the road. No excuses. No whining.
Acting from integrity is bringing what you say and do into alignment with what you really want. It is
acting consistently with your higher vision. It is living by commitment rather than ease, discipline
rather than convenience. Acting from integrity requires that you give up short-term payoffs
(immediate gratification, escape, avoidance, self-indulgence, revenge, etc.) for something that is
bigger or more fulfilling in the long-run. It requires that you pay a price (delay of gratification,
quieting your tongue, facing a problem, entering into a difficult conversation, etc.). The price you
pay is like your admission into the world of emotional maturity. You’ve earned it.
So, consider your key moment. What new actions are you willing to take? Things won’t magically
change. You change them by making new choices and behaving in a new way.
Hal faced one key moment after another. Kind of like all of us. Initially, he didn’t handle them well.
He wanted to defend himself. He wanted others to change. But gradually, he learned better ways
of responding. He grew up. He became emotionally mature.
The differences between emotional maturity and immaturityPosted Wednesday, November 10, 2010
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Why should you care about emotional maturity? Because it can mean the
difference between a happy, rewarding and satisfying life and relationship
versus a stressful unhappy existence with crises that never seem to go
away. This newletter introduces the signs of emotional immaturity, qualities
and characteristics of emotional maturity and how to develop these aspects.
Signs of Emotional Immaturity
We all have bad days and at times have our own individual temper tantrums.
Sometimes, we simply feel bored and need to look for something to do. But for some
people, these traits can get in the way of having a good relationship. Consider the
following signs of emotional immaturity:
Emotional Volatility: This generally refers to the tendency for your emotions to get
out of your control. Review the list below and if you notice one of more of these traits
in yourself or someone you care about, emotional volatility may be a problem:
• temper tantrums, like screaming, yelling, breaking things or hitting others
• getting upset extremely easily, having a low frustration level
• responses out of proportion, that is, making a mountain out of a mole hill
• inability to take criticism, rather taking it too personally or taking yourself too
seriously
• extreme jealousy,
• unwillingness to forgive,
• unpredictable fluctuation of moods
Lack of Independence: People who have a balance of independence vs dependence
are both relatively self-reliant and cooperative with other people. An unhealthy
dependence has the following characteristics:
• too reliant on others for things you can do for yourself
• needing someone around all the time
• not having your own opinions, or being willing/able to express them
• being very easily influenced by others
• prejudging other people
Constant Attention and Gratification Seeking: Emotionally immature people
spend a lot of time and energy looking for attention and gratification from other
people. This is characterized by:
• superficial values
• loyalty that lasts only as long as the person views the relationship as "useful"
• needing immediate gratification which may result in financial or personal problems
• thoughtless and impulsive behavior
Extreme self-centeredness: Self-centered people are often viewed as selfish.
Usually, this suggests having low self-esteem, self-centred people can be
extremely competitive, make unreasonable demands, are constantly preoccupied with
themselves, seek out positive feedback or sympathy relentlessly, and don't tend
to accept responsibility for anything.
In summary, the emotionally immature person can't understand the needs and
feelings of others, and therefore have a difficult time being a partner or a parent.
What is emotional maturity?
Emotionally mature people tend to demonstrate the following 5 characteristics.
Give and receives love and affection: Emotionally mature people are able to trust
themselves and others enough to be willing to give of themselves and receive genuine
love, affection and friendship as well.
Deal with reality: While emotionally immature people spend a great deal of time and
energy avoiding responsibility and reality, emotionally mature people eagerly face the
realities of daily life and deal with them in an up front and ethical manner.
Learn from experience and deal with frustration: A part of accepting personal
responsibility is the ability to learn from experience. If you have a positive attitude
towards others and towards life in general, you are able to accept not always getting
your way/frustration as a part of the equation. Emotionally mature people are willing
and able to learn from their experiences, both good and bad, problem solve and make
adjustments as needed. Emotionally immature people just look for someone to blame
and have a tantrum.
Accept constructive criticism constructively: An emotionally mature person
knows and accepts that they are not perfect and does not get mad that someone else
has noticed. Being emotionally mature means accepting and using feedback to help
make personal improvements.
Optimism and Self-Confidence: Emotionally mature people are optimistic about life
in general and tend to see the good in themselves and others. This helps them to feel
confident in their abilities to get things done and be successful.
How to increase your emotional maturity
It is possible to become more emotionally mature. Here are some activities that can
help:
Do things for others: Look for opportunities to be unselfish, whether it's not talking
about yourself and instead, asking your partner about their life, and genuinely
listening to them. This helps make it easier for you to give and receive genuine love
and affection.
Expand your social circle: Take an honest look at who you spend time with. Are
they personally and professionally successful? Or are they excuse makers who blame
others? Seek out people who can bring out the best in you rather than the worst.
Play fair: Cooperate with others rather than trying to win all the time. You can
practice this with friends by not always having to have your way with where to eat or
what movie to see, with your partner the next time you have a disagreement, or at
work by asking for others opinions and seeking mutually beneficial solutions to
problems. Practice being happy instead of right.
Be honest with yourself: None of this will work if you are not willing to take a good
look at yourself from the outside. Consider how others see you and face reality. It isn't
going to go away so you might as well face it and deal with it constructively. Being
honest with yourself will only increase your self-esteem because deep down, you know
if you are avoiding reality and it keeps you feeling like a fraud. If you start facing it, it
can only get better.
Find something bigger and better to focus on: Whether it is something spiritual
or a more concrete contribution like helping to clean up a local park or river, getting
out and realizing how much beauty there is in the world and being a part of it can help
you be a more optimistic person. Being an optimist means looking for and often
finding the good in yourself and others. It's there if you are willing and know where to
look.