The 7 ways you sabotage your

Relationship

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www.datingandrelationshipissues.com

No one will deny that in today’s

world, relationships are fraught

with difficulty. At one time it was

assumed that relationships led to

marriage and that marriage was

for life. The generation born

during and after World War I

showed us what it would be like

to be married to the same

person for 50+ years. However,

as we enter into 2011 we see

that there has been a breakdown

in family life with divorce at an

alarming rate of 50% and a

decrease in marriages around

the western world. Despite this,

there are many who still desire

to marry and settle down with a

family, but face problems

establishing strong relationships

that could lead to marriage.

One of the main reasons that people

are unsuccessful in relationships is tied

in to self-sabotaging behaviour. What

is sabotage? Sabotage is defined as

“the treacherous action used to

hinder a cause or endeavour.” So,

self-sabotage is “the treacherous

action used against ones self to

hinder their own cause or

endeavour.” In fact, saboteurs were

often linked to traitors, those who

committed treacherous or treasonous

acts against their own country.

Therefore, we can say that a person

who commits self sabotage is in fact,

committing treasonous acts against

themselves.

Let us look at some of the treachery we perpetrate against ourselves in the area of relationships.

An insecure person will lack confidence in their own

ability and value. Invariably, this lack of confidence in

their value will result in a lack of trust for someone else’s

value. They may feel in a positive state, but harbour fears

that the positive feelings are only temporary and will

cause them loss when those feelings disappear. Insecurity

is an emotional interpretation of oneself. Manifestations

of insecurity may be shyness, jealousy, or perhaps

arrogance or even bullying.

ORIGINS: The template of insecurity has its roots in childhood. Perhaps we experienced a lack of security in the family structure, possibly by being rejected, abandoned or overlooked in some way. These insecurities have remained undetected and are now manifesting itself within the romantic relationship. Insecurities can be overcome if we want to remove it.

1) INSECURITY

2) CONTROL FREAK

Closely tied in to insecurity, is the need for individuals to control

their relationships. Since control enables power, the one who

controls the relationship has the most power and therefore, has

most of their needs met. The victim serves the needs of the

controller. Both men and women are guilty of controlling

behavior. Some people, for example have a need to have things

their own way. Entering into a new relationship, the controller

will seek to impose their ideas on the new partner. There is very

little consideration for the victims needs and desires and if the

victim is passive in nature, the controller will push their

manifesto through with little resistance.

It is possible that insecure people use strong characteristics as a shield by which to hide their insecurity.

Within the contexts of relationships, insecurity creates jealousy and erodes trust. Within the insecure

person, issues can be fabricated from an insecure mind that has no foundation in truth. Since insecurity is

an emotional experience, it is very difficult for the insecure person to see reason and logic when they

believe there is a problem in the relationship.

ORIGINS: This need for control is also borne out of insecurities learned in childhood and can be rectified if given sufficient attention.

3) THE MARTYR

The desire to help others is innate within all human

beings. Yet to constantly desire to rescue others

during relationships is a sure sign of self-sabotage. If

you find that you are drawn to partners who need

constant help and attention, then that is a sign that

you are a martyr/rescuer.

Perhaps you are currently with someone who has serious physical, financial and emotional problems. You

may be playing the role of the parent, giving them parental advice. Perhaps your partner has been hurt in

the past and you feel obligated to “make it up” to them. If you are a rescuer, then understand that unless

you deal with the core issue, i.e. your need to rescue others, then all your relationships are doomed. These

types of relationships are draining on you, but you are waiting for the big payoff, the day when your partner

gets back on their feet again and crowns you as their champion for saving them. Of course, this will never

happen, but you delude yourself that if you try a little bit harder, then things will work out.

ORIGINS: This behaviour usually stems from unfinished emotional wounds from childhood. Perhaps, we ourselves were never rescued or we tried to rescue our parents, (perhaps from alcoholism) and now our life’s mission is to rescue our partners. Invariably, we will be attracted to broken individuals like ourselves. Our “fixing” them distracts us from the “fixing” that we need to do within.

Controllers tend to have the misguided view that what they do is for the benefit of both parties when in reality, it serves their cause only.

4) ATTENTION SEEKER

Another self-sabotaging technique

is the need to be centre stage or

needing inordinate amounts of

attention. While it is normal for

people to seek a sense of self-

worth and validation, there are

some who seem to make a virtual

career out of attention-seeking

behavior. Whether this is done by

the way they dress or what they

say or whatever drama they

conjure up, these individuals want

you to notice them at any cost.

Sadly, in western society,

attention seeking is very common

and in large part promoted by the

media through reality shows and

glossy magazines. It is no longer

desirable to be “ordinary.”

Everyone now needs to feel like a

celebrity! These types of

individuals have the emotional

age of a child and often do not

understand their own motivations.

ORIGINS: Needing a lot of attention has its roots in childhood. Without sufficient attention during this crucial time, a child is left to question their value. In adulthood they seek to create this value by drawing attention to themselves to compensate for neglect in their younger years.

5) NEEDINESS

Let us consider another trait which works against us and that is the trait of neediness. In

western society, our understanding of what love is, has been taught, not by parents or

educators, but by movies and literature. The message of these movies and books suggest

that people lack love in their life. In other words, if your love life is not similar to the one

presented here in this book or movie, you do not have it and consequently, you need to go

out and find it!

Based on these fallacious teachings about love

both men and women have been duped into

believing that, “movie love” is what they need to

fulfil them. In fact, they define this as true love.

Our whole ethos about love stems from this

deceptive teaching and based on this premise we

end up with a misguided need to feel fulfilled from

someone else.

The focus of needy people is themselves, having

their needs satisfied and imposing penalties on

their partners when their needs go unmet. Needy

people are externally oriented, everything is

wrong about the external,

“my partner is not good

enough”, “they don’t like me”,

“no one cares about me” are

the types of expressions heard

from these types.

A needy person is so

outwardly focused

that they fail to see

where the problem

really lies; within

themselves. The

genesis of this issue

comes from a time in

life when there were

a number of needs

not met in this

persons life and

therefore like many

self-sabotaging traits,

there is an over

compensation

dynamic playing out.

6) FEAR OF INTIMACY

An often overlooked area of self-sabotage has to do with

the fear of intimacy. Intimacy is defined as “a close,

familiar,and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or

group.” A fear of intimacy displays a fear of sharing of oneself with others. This is usually done to

hide the parts of ourselves that are “defective”. We perpetuate this fear by not allowing others to get

close to us or if put, “under the spotlight” we shut down as a means of self-protection. We may feel

that to “open up” exposes us to betrayal and therefore we have developed a self-protection

mechanism which ultimately prevents us from getting close to anyone. At our core, we believe that we

are unlovable or unworthy, perhaps we were the victim of rejection and abandonment and we have

lived with this perception of betrayal and unworthiness ever since.

7) BAGGAGE HANDLERS

To some degree, we must be realistic and understand that we all

carry baggage. However, the thing that prevents many people from

enjoying love and fulfillment is that they have not removed baggage

from their previous relationships. Too often, I have observed that

many people will break up with a partner after a three year

relationship and then within a month, they will be involved with

someone new! They will claim that they are “over” the previous

person but in actuality they are not “over” the effects of that

relationship. The fear of being alone is what drives many people to

seek new relationships even though they have not purged

themselves of the old one. Do you realize that there are many

people who have never lived alone for any period of time since they

left their parents home?

They leave their parents and move in with their partner or get

married. That relationship breaks down, they move in with someone

else and so it goes on.

There has been no time or space

for critical analysis, no corrections

of attitude, no lessons learned.

Instead, they move from one

relationship to the next, never

realizing where things are going

wrong. This is self sabotage at its

finest!

These are a few of the

self-sabotaging traits that

prevent people from

enjoying harmonious

relationships. Notice that

most of these traits have

their origins in childhood.

Although there are cases

where these traits may

develop at a later date,

most professionals in the

field of

psychology/counseling

Tony Cross

(Relationship coach)

agree that the formative years of a Childs life within the family structure as well as their environment plays a significant part in their development. These self-sabotaging traits can be overcome. Often it takes self-awareness along with concerted effort to combat these issues.

I hope this report has been useful to you. If it has, please pass it on to your friends and acquaintances.

My website www.datingandrelationshipissues.com provides information that is useful for anyone wanting to understand love dynamics and how to enjoy more fruitful relationships.

Until next time,