A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum

Song TitleCharacters#

Comedy Tonight

Love, I Hear

Free

Lovely

Pretty Little Picture

Everybody Ought to Have a Maid

Im Calm

Impossible

Bring Me My Bride

That Dirty Old Man

Thatll Show Him

Lovely (Reprise)

Funeral Sequence

Comedy Tonight

PSEUDOLUSSomething familiarSomething peculiarSomething for everyoneA comedy tonight

Something appealingSomething appallingSomething for everyoneA comedy tonight

Nothing with kings, nothing with crownsBring on the lovers, liars and clowns

Old situationsNew complicationsNothing portentous or politeTragedy tomorrowComedy tonight

Something convulsiveSomething repulsiveSomething for everyoneA comedy tonight

Something aestheticSomething freneticSomething for everyoneA comedy tonight

Nothing with gods, nothing with fateWeighty affairs will just have to wait

Nothing thats formalNothing thats normalNo recitations to reciteOpen up the curtainComedy tonight

Something erraticSomething dramaticSomething for everyoneA comedy tonight

Frenzy and frolicStrictly symbolicSomething for everyoneA comedy tonight

COMPANYSomething familiarSomething peculiarSomething for everybodyComedy tonightSomething thats gaudySomething thats bawdy

PSEUDOLUSSomething for everybawdy!

COMPANYComedy tonight

MILES GLORIOSUSNothing thats grim

DOMINANothing thats greek

PSEUDOLUSShe plays Medea later this week

WOMENStunning surprises

MENCunning disguises

COMPANYHundreds of actors out of sight!

ERRONIUSPantaloons and tunics!

SENEXCourtesans and eunuchs!

HEROFunerals and chases

LYCUSBaritones and basses

PHILIAPanderers!

HEROPhilanderers!

HYSTERIUMCupidity!

MILESTimidity!

LYCUSMistakes!

ERRONIUSFakes!

DOMINARhymes!

PHILIACrimes!

PSEUDOLUSTumblers!Grumblers!Bumblers!Fumblers!

COMPANYNo royal curse, no Trojan horseAnd a happy ending, of course!Goodness and badnessPanic is madnessThis time it all turns out all rightTragedy tomorrowComedy tonight!

Love, I Hear

HERONow that were alone, may I tell you:Ive been feeling very strangeEither somethings in the air, or else a changeIs happening in me

I think I know the causeIm sure I know the causeFrom everything Ive heard, theres only one cause it can be

Love, I hear, makes you sigh a lotAlso, love, I hear, makes you weakLove, I hear, makes you blush and turns you ashenYou try to speak with passionAnd squeak, I hear

Love, they sayMakes you pine awayBut you pine away with an idiotic grinI pine, I blush, I squeak, I squawkToday I woke too weak to walkWhats love, I hear, I feel, I fear Im inAhh!

See what I mean?Da, da, da, da, da, da, dumI hum a lot tooIm dazed, Im pale, Im sick, Im soreIve never felt so well beforeWhats love, I hear, I feel, I fearI know I am, Im sure, I mean, I hope, I trustI pray I must be in

Forgive me if I shoutForgive me if I crowIve only just found outAnd wellI thought you ought to know

Free

PSEUDOLUSOh, what a word!Oh, what a word!Say it again

HEROFree!

PSEUDOLUSI often thoughtI often dreamed how it would beAnd yet I never thought Id beOnce again

HEROFree!

PSEUDOLUSBut when you come to think of such thingsA man should have the rights that all othersCan you imagine what it will be like when I amCan you see me?Can you see me as a Roman with my head unbowed?Sing it goof and loud!

HEROFree!

PSEUDOLUSLike a Roman having rights and like a Roman proud?Can you see me?

HEROI can see you

PSEUDOLUSCan you see me, a reformer fighting graft and vice?Sing it soft and nice!

HEROFree!

PSEUDOLUSWhy, Ill be so conscientious that I may vote twiceCan you see me?Can you see me?When Im free to be whatever I want to beThink what wonders Ill accomplish thenWhen the master that I serve is me and just meCan you see me being equal with my countrymen?Can you see me being Pseudolus the citizen?Can you see me being give it to me once again

HEROFree!

PSEUDOLUSYes!

HEROFree!

PSEUDOLUSThats it!

HEROFree!

PSEUDOLUSNow, not so fast!I didnt thinkThe way I amI have a roof, three meals a dayAnd I dont have to pay a thingIm just a slave and everythings freeIf I were free, then nothing would be freeAnd if Im beaten now and then, what does it matter?

HEROFree!

PSEUDOLUSCan you see me?Can you see me as a poet writing poetry?All my verse will be

HEROFree!

PSEUDOLUSA museum will have my pickled for posterityCan you see me?

HEROI can see you

PSEUDOLUSCan you see me as a lover, one of great renown?Women falling down

HEROFree?

PSEUDOLUSNo!But Ill buy the house of Lycus for my house in townCan you see me?Can you see me?Be you anything from king to baker of cakesYoure a vegetable unless youre freeSuch a little word, but oh, the difference it makesIts the necessary essence of democracyIts the thing that every slave should have the right to beAnd I soon will have the right to buy a slave for meCan you see him?Well, Ill free himWhen a Pseudolus can move, the universe shakesBut Ill never move until Im freeSuch a little word, but oh, the difference it makesIll be Pseudolus, the founder of a familyIll be Pseudolus, the pillar of societyIll be Pseudolus the man, if I can only be

HEROFree!

PSEUDOLUSSing it!

HEROFree!

PSEUDOLUSSpell it!

HEROF-r-double-

PSEUDOLUSNo, the long way!

HEROF-r-e-e!

PSEUDOLUS & HEROFree!

Lovely

PHILIAIm lovelyAll I am is lovelyLovely is the one thing I can do

WinsomeWhat I am is winsomeRadiant as in someDream come true

Oh, isnt it a shame?I can neither sawNor cook nor read or write my nameBut Im happyMerely being lovelyFor its one thing I can give to you

HEROYoure lovelyAbsolutely lovelyWhod believe the loveliness of you?

WinsomeSweet and warm and winsomeRadiant as in someDream come trueNow Venus would seem tameHelen and her thousand shipsWould have to die of shame

PHILIA & HEROAnd Im happyHappy that Im/youre lovelyFor theres one thing loveliness can doIts a gift for me to share with you!

Pretty Little Picture

PSEUDOLUSIn the Tiber there sits a boatGently dipping its bowTrim and tidy and built to floatPretty little picture? Now:Put a boy on the starboard sideLeaning out of the railNext to him put a blushing brideSlim and slender and starry-eyedDown below put a tiny bedThe sun gets paleThe sea gets redAnd off they sailOn the first high tide:The boat and the bed and the boy and the brideIts a pretty little picture, oh my!Pretty little picture, how true!Pretty little picture, which IPseudol-iddle-us, give to you!Feel the roll of the playful wavesSee the sails as they swellHear the whips on the galley-slaves

PSEUDOLUS, HERO & PHILIAPretty little picture

PSEUDOLUSWell:Let it carry your cares awayOut of sight, out of mindPast the buoy and through the baySoon theres nothing but sea and sprayNight descends and the moons aglowYour arms entwinedYou steal belowAnd far behindAt the edge of dayThe bong of the bell of the buoy in the bayAnd the boy and the bride and the boat are away

HERO & PHILIAIts a pretty little picture to shareAs our little boat sails to sea

PSEUDOLUSTake your little trip free as airHave a little freedom on me

HERO & PHILIANo worries, no brothersNo captains, no fathers

PSEUDOLUSIn the ocean an island waitsSmooth and sandy and pinkFilled with lemons and nuts and dates

PSEUDOLUS, HERO & PHILIAPretty little picture?

PSEUDOLUSThink:In a cottage of cypress treesSeashells dotting the doorBoy and bride live a life of ease

PSEUDOLUS, HERO & PHILIADoing nothing but what they please

PSEUDOLUSAnd every night when the stars appearTheres nothing moreTo see and hearJust the shoreWhere the lovers lie

HERO & PHILIAThe sand and the sea and the stars and the sky

PSEUDOLUSAnd the sound of a soft little satisfied sigh

PSEUDOLUS, HERO & PHILIAAnn your/our pretty little problems will ceaseAnd your/our little blessings will flowAnd your/our little family increasePretty little picture?

PSEUDOLUSNo, no!

PSEUDOLUS, HERO & PHILIAPretty little masterpiecePretty little picture

Everybody Ought to Have a Maid

SENEXEverybody ought to have a maidEverybody ought to have a working girlEverybody ought to have a lurking girlTo putter around the houseEverybody ought to have a maidEverybody ought to have a menialConsistently congenialAnd quieter than a mouse

Oh, oh, wouldnt she be deliciousTidying up the dishesNeat as a pinOh, oh, wouldnt she be delightfulSweeping outSleeping in

Everybody ought to have a maidSomeone who you hire when youre short of helpTo offer you the sort of helpYou never get from a spouse:Fluttering up the stairwayShuttering up the windowsCluttering up the bedroomButtering up the masterPuttering all around the house!

Oh, oh, wouldnt she be deliciousTidying up the dishesNeat as a pinOh, oh, wouldnt she be delightfulSweeping outSleeping in

Everybody ought to have a maidSomeone who in fetching you your slipper willBe winsome as a whippoorwillAnd graceful as a grouse:Skittering down the hallwayFlittering through the parlourTittering in the pantryLittering up the bedroom

SENEX & PSEUDOLUSTwittering all around the house!

HYSTERIUMA maid?

SENEXA maid

PSEUDOLUSA maid

SENEX, PSEUDOLUS, HYSTERIUM & LYCUSA maid!Everybody ought to have a maidEverybody ought to have a serving-girlA loyal and unswerving girlTo putter around the houseOh, oh

HYSTERIUMThink of her at the dustbinSpecially when shes just beenTraipsing about

SENEX, PSEUDOLUS, HYSTERIUM & LYCUSOh, oh, wouldnt she be delightful

HYSTERIUMLiving in

SENEXGiving out

SENEX, PSEUDOLUS, HYSTERIUM & LYCUSEverybody ought to have a maidDaintily collecting bits of paper n stringsAppearing in her apron stringsAnd graceful as a grouse

HYSTERIUMPattering through the attic

SENEXChattering in the cellar

PSEUDOLUSClattering in the kitchen

SENEXFlattering in the bedroom

SENEX, PSEUDOLUS, HYSTERIUM & LYCUSPuttering all around the house!The house!The house!

LYCUSA maid?

HYSTERIUMA maid

PSEUDOLUSA maid

SENEXA maid!

SENEX, PSEUDOLUS, HYSTERIUM & LYCUSEverybody ought to have a maidSomeone whos efficient and reliable Obedient and pliableAnd quieter than a mouse!Oh, oh, wouldnt she be so nimbleFiddling with her thimbleMending her gownOh, oh, wouldnt she be delightful

LYCUSCleaning up

SENEXLeaning down

SENEX, PSEUDOLUS, HYSTERIUM & LYCUSEverybody ought to have a maidSomeone wholl be busy as a bumblebeeAnd even if you grumble, beAs graceful as a grouse

LYCUSWriggling in the anteroom

HYSTERIUMJiggling in the dining room

PSEUDOLUSGiggling in the living room

SENEXWiggling in the other rooms

SENEX, PSEUDOLUS, HYSTERIUM & LYCUSPuttering all around the house!The house!The house!The house!

Im Calm

HYSTERIUMIm calmIm calmIm perfectly calmIm utterly under controlI havent a worryWhere others would hurry I strollIm calmIm coolA gibbering foolIs something I never becomeWhen thunder is rumblingAnd others are crumblingI humHm-hmmm-hmmmmm!Hmmmmm!H-m-m-m!

I must think calm comforting thingsButterfly wingsEmerald ringsOr a murmuring brookMurmuring, murmuring, murmuring, lookIm calmIm calmI havent a qualmIm utterly under controlLet nothing confuse meOr faze me [Yawn]Excuse meIm calmOh so calmOh so

PSEUDOLUSHysterium!

HYSTERIUMIm calmIm calmIm perfectly calmIndifferent to tensions and shocksUnruffled and readyMy nerves are as steadyAs rocksIm calm, controlledSo cool that Im coldAloofer than any giraffeWhen somethings the matterWhere others would shatterI laugh [Laughs]I must breathe deep, ever so deepThink about sheepGoing to sleepStop and count up to ten1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, whenYou need aplombAnd want to be calmCause life is a horrible dreamJust count up to tenVery slowly, and then

PSEUDOLUSHysterium!

HYSTERIUM[Screams]

Impossible

SENEXWhy did he look at her that way?

HEROWhy did he look at her that way?

SENEX & HEROMust be my imagination

SENEXShes a lovely blooming flower, hes just a sproutImpossible!

HEROShes a lovely blooming flower, hes all worn outImpossible!

SENEXJust a fledgling in the next

HEROJust a man who needs a rest

SENEXHes a beamish boy at best

HEROPoor old fellow!

SENEXHes a child, and loves a test, hes too young to pasImpassible!

HEROHe has asthma, gout, a wife, lumbago, and gasIrascible!

SENEXRomping in the nursery

HEROHe looks tired

SENEXSon, sit on your fathers knee

HEROFather, you can lean on me

SENEX & HEROHim? Im, Possible

HEROBut why did she wave at him that way?

SENEXWhy did she wave at him that way?

SENEX & HEROCould there be an explanation?

HEROWomen often want a father, she may want mineIts possible!

SENEXHes a handsome lad of twenty, Im thirty-nineIts possible!

HEROOlder men know so much more

SENEXIn a way, Im forty-four

HERONext to him, Id seem a bore

SENEXAll right, fifty!

HEROThen again, he is my father, I ought to trustImpossible!

SENEXThen again, with love at my age sometimes its justImpossible!

HEROWith a girl Im ill at ease

SENEXI dont feel well

HEROSir, about those birds and bees

SENEXSon, a glass of water, please

SENEX & HEROThe situations fraughtFraughter than I thoughtWith horrible, impossible, possibilities!

Bring Me My Bride

SOLDIERSOne, two! One, two!

MILESWe not only fought, but we won, too!

SOLDIERSOne, two! One, two!Left, right! Left, right!

MILESTheres none of the enemy left, right?

SOLDIERSRight! Left, right, right? Left?

MILESHalt!

PSEUDOLUSHail, Miles GloriosusWelcome to RomeYour bride awaits you

MILESMy brideMy brideMy brideIve come to claim my brideCome tenderly to crush her against my sideLet haste be madeI cannot be delayedThere are lands to conquer, cities to look and peoples to degrade

SOLDIERSLook at those arms!Look at that chest!Look at them!

MILESNot to mention the restEven I am impressedMy brideMy brideCome, bring to me my brideMy lust for her no longer can be deniedConvey the newsI have no time to loseThere are towns to plunder, temples to burn and women to abuse

SOLDIERSLook at that foot!Look at that heel!Mark the magnificent muscles of steel!

MILESI am my ideal!I, Miles GloriosusI, slaughterer of thousandsI, oppressor of the meekSubduer of the weakDegrader of the GreekDestroyer of the TurkMust hurry back to work

MILES & ROMANSI/he Miles Gloriosus

SOLDIERSA man among men!

MILES & ROMANSI/he, paragon of virtue

SOLDIERSWith sword and with pen!

MILESI, in war the most admiredIn wit the most inspiredIn love the most desiredIn dress the best displayedI am a parade!

SOLDIERSLook at those eyes, cunning and keenLook at the size of those thighs, like a mighty machine!

PSEUDOLUSThose are the mightiest thighs that I ever have seenI mean

MILESMy brideMy brideInform my lucky brideThe fabled arms ofMiles are open wideMake hasteMake hasteI have no time to wasteThere are shrinesI should be sackingRibs I should be crackingEyes to gouge and booty to divideBring me my bride!

That Dirty Old Man

DOMINAFor over thirty yearsIve cried myself to sleepAssailed by doubts and fearsSo great the gods themselves would weepThe moment I am goneI wonder where hell goIn all your simple honestyYou cant begin to know

Ohhhhh, ohhhhh, ahhhhh

I want himI need himWhere is he?That dirty old man, hes here somewhereCavorting with someone young and fairDisporting in every shameless whimJust wait till I get my hands on himIll hold himEnfold himWhere is he?That dirty old man, where can he beProfaning my house for all to seeComplaining that hes misunderstoodAbusing me, if he only wouldOh love, sweet love, why hide?You vermin, you worm, you villain!Confess and press your brideWherever he is, I know hes still an angelMy angelWhere is he?That dirty old man divine!I loathe himI love himThat lecherous, lewd, lascivious, loathsome, lying, lazyDirty old man of mine

Thatll Show Him

PHILIALet the Captain wed me and woo meI will play my partLet him make his mad passion to meYou will have my heartHe can have the body he paid forNothing but the body he paid forWhen he has the body he paid forOur revenge will start!When I kiss himIll be kissing youSo Ill kiss him morning and nightThatll show himWhen I hold himIll be holding youSo Ill hold him ten times as tightThatll show him too!I shall cooAnd tenderly stroke his hairWish that youWere thereYoud enjoy itWhen its evening, and were in our tent for twoIll sit on his kneeGet to know himIntimatelyThatll show himHow much I really love you!

Lovely (Reprise)

PSEUDOLUSYoure lovelyAbsolutely lovelyWhod believe the loveliness of you?PerfectSweet and warm and winsomeRadiant as in someDream come trueNow Venus would seem tameHelen and her thousand shipsWould have to die of shameYoure so lovelyFrighteningly lovelyThat the world will never seem the same

Funeral Sequence

MILESSound the fluteBlow the hornPluck the luteForward, mourn!

MOURNERSAhh ahhh ahhhh

MILESAh!

MOURNERSAh!

MILESAll Crete was at her feetAll Thrace was in her thrallAll Sparta loved her sweetness, and Gaul

PSEUDOLUSAnd Spain

MILESAnd Greece

PSEUDOLUSAnd Egypt

MILESAnd Syria

PSEUDOLUSAnd Mesopotamia

MOURNERSAll Crete was at her feetAll Thrace was in her thrallOh, why should such a blossom fall?

MILESSpeak the spellsStrum the lyreToll the bellsLight the pyre

MOURNERSAhh ahhh ahhhh

MILESAll Crete was at her feetBut I shall weep no moreIll find my consolation as beforeAmong the simple pleasures of war!