A Grieving Parent The struggles and experiences of a grieving parent

and finding a way forward

by Jason Jones

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Table of Contents

1. Why Am I Writing This 2. Life Before 3. That Day 4. Year One 5. Physical Pain 6. Guilt 7. Theology 8. Friends 9. Family 10. Therapy 11. Helping Others 12. Things That Have Helped 13. Random Final Thoughts 14. Resources

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Why Am I Writing This

There are a couple of reasons why I am writing and sharing my experience.

First, I’ve found it helpful to get my thoughts out of my head and on to a piece of paper. Especially, hard subjects that I’ve wrestled with and those things that I have a hard time figuring out.

Somewhere along the way, when you write, you figure out how to organize the thoughts flying around in your head and make more sense of them. They are put on a piece of paper, and it opens space back up in your mind. For me, it also lessens the anxiety I have around a certain subject. It certainly doesn’t make anything go away. It just lessens the clutter in my mind.

Secondly, my hope is that what I write; it is helpful to someone. Something psychological and spiritual happens when you use the pain in your life to do something good.

Victor Frankl, in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning”, outlines his theory of logotherapy. In summary, logotherapy is described as the healing of the soul by leading it to find meaning in life; even in the face of terrible suffering.

With the passing of a child, parents do not want to go on. They can’t imagine living without them. But, most parents do end up finding a way to go on. How? The death of a child is often described as the worst pain a human can feel. So, where do they find the strength?

For Frankl, the answer lies in finding some redemptive quality in the suffering you experience. Finding something positive within the suffering experience can actually take some of the suffering away.

For example, in our circumstance – I would never have had this much compassion for grieving parents had I not experienced their similar pain. Additionally, by writing and sharing my experience, hopefully someone will find something useful and helpful in it. Finally, we have been able to help a lot of orphans in Uganda over the last three years by channeling our energy and pain into fundraising for them.

Let me be very clear here. Not for a second, do I think any of this is worth my son not being here with us. Nothing would ever be worth it. No amount of good would ever be worth it. I don’t care what it would be.

But, I can say that I have experienced healing by finding meaning to go on and by seeking redemption of our pain and suffering.

“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you. ” – Victor Frankl

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Life Before

I was lying next to my wife one evening before bed and I said these words – “Our life is so perfect. Sometimes it scares me it’s so perfect. We have a wonderful marriage, and three beautiful children. I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that means something very bad is coming around the corner.”

Within months of saying those words, the worst thing that can happen to a parent did happen to us. On June 12, 2011, Jacob Thomas Jones, our three and half year old son, passed away.

Brea and I met in high school and are high school sweet hearts. We have 3 children. Two girls, ages 12 and 10, and Jacob. Up until June of 2011 our family was the all American family. We lived right, loved each other furiously, and all was perfect to us.

We had our two daughters 18 months apart and they have been attached since they were babies. So, when we had a son – it was so much fun. It was something new and different for all of us. The girls loved doting over and caring for their little brother. He would dress up in their princess dresses and wear girls shoes all over the place. We still new he was all boy – when he would eventually decapitate the dolls he would steal from his sister’s toy box.

The three of them playing together in the house created such a wonderful ruckus that I didn’t realize how great it was until it wasn’t there anymore.

Brea has stayed home to care for the children and home since our first daughter was born. She is an amazing mother and loves her children so well. Jacob adores her and was connected to her hip wherever she went. Their daily routine was full of grocery shopping together, taking the girls to and from school, cleaning house, and occasional doctor’s visits for Jacob’s eye therapy.

Jacob was born with an eye muscle condition that needed treatment on a weekly basis. I can remember his small eye problem causing us so much angst and worry as parents. I would give anything to have the time I spent worrying about that insignificant issue back. Looking back, it was such a minor issue. But, we didn’t know any better. And, I think any loving and caring parent will do whatever they can to help their child. I just wish we didn’t let it stir fear in us at the time.

My relationship with Jacob turned out to be even more fulfilling than I could have ever imagined. Every man has a deep sense of pride in raising a son. He is not only – my only son, but also my best little buddy. He and I had a very special relationship. I think parents go through phases where they are closer to one child or the other at different seasons in their life. Jacob and I were very close and he and I connected in a different way than I did with my daughters. Not better or more – just different.

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That Day

June 12, 2011 was a Sunday. Our family went through our normal Sunday morning routine. Get kids up and dressed. Off to church. One thing different about that day, was my wife had to stay up at the church to work on Vacation Bible School stuff after church. So, we took two vehicles. The girls would stay to help her after church, and Jacob and I would go to lunch and then head home.

After church, Jacob and I went to get some lunch together. I can’t remember what I had to eat. But, I remember he had eggs, bacon, and sprite. It was a treat to get sprite. So, I remember how happy he was to get to drink it.

After we ate, we went outside to get in the car. I got him in his car seat and buckled him in. Then I got in and turned the ignition to start the car. It didn’t turn over. This had been happening off and on. So, I thought the starter had gone out or maybe the battery was dead.

I tried it again, and nothing. I thought, we’ll we just call Brea and get them to come get us. I waited a few more seconds and then turned the key again. This time the car started up. I remember how relieved I felt at the time.

Unfortunately, this is one more seemingly insignificant event that day, which could have prevented all of this. If the car had not started, Jacob would most likely be here today. I would have called Brea. She would have come and got us and all of us would have been home together instead of what happened.

Jacob and I were driving home together now that the car had started. He asked me for some m&m’s that he had gotten. I gave him a few but didn’t want him to eat the whole bag since he was supposed to take a nap when we got home.

I remember him singing on the way home. I can’t remember exactly which song it was, but he was singing a song on K Love radio and enjoying the few m&m’s I let him have.

When we got home, we got settled; and then I laid down with him in his bed. This was the usual nap routine. Lay down with him for a few minutes. Rub his back. Maybe sing a song or talk a bit. Then leave him in there.

Sometimes I would stay in there and take a nap with him, but this time I didn’t. I went to my room and laid down too. I think I was asleep for a couple hours.

I got up and made some coffee and went into our play room to watch TV. I didn’t feel any need to go check on him because there wasn’t ever any real need or reason to. Jacob could take two to three hour naps sometimes. So, it wouldn’t have been unusual for him to still be asleep. His room was down at the end of the hall at the opposite side of the house. So, I would not have noticed he wasn’t there because I was not on that side of the house.

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Eventually, Brea and the girls came home. We talked for a bit. Brea asked if Jacob was still taking a nap and I said yes. More time went by and she thought it was getting a bit long for him to be sleeping so she went to get him up.

The next thing I hear is Brea yelling Jacob’s name. She says he isn’t in his room. She comes running towards the outside and I run outside too. I look in the back yard and then front. In an instant I think of looking in the car. I run to the car and look in the window. I see him laying face down in the back of the car.

I tried to open the car but the doors were locked. I yelled at Brea to go get the keys so I could open. We open the locks and I open the hatch to the back of the expedition. I pull Jacob out. I remember how hot his little body was. He was a little blue.

Brea called 911 and we started doing CPR together. I started praying out loud while we are doing CPR. “God – save him. Please don’t let this happen”.

The girls run outside to see us over Jacob doing CPR. We yell at them to go back inside to their room. They went in there and huddled together completely confused and scared.

I knew something was very wrong by the look of his eyes and how his body felt.

Eventually, the volunteer EMT’s showed up and took over CPR. I held on at Jacob’s feet praying with everything I had. I felt like I was in a nightmare. Hoping I was in a nightmare.

An ambulance pulls up and they take Jacob inside the ambulance. I hold on to the outside of the ambulance continuing to pray believing God would change all of this with a miracle.

Time went by and I got on the bumper of the ambulance and looked inside. They had put a yellow sheet over Jacob. That declaration by them was unacceptable to me. I banged on the back of the ambulance as hard as could telling them not to stop. I felt like they gave up on him. They gave up on my son.

Someone pulled me off and I thought I was going to throw up. Someone came over to Brea and I, and said that he was gone. Nothing could be done.

We still didn’t believe them I am sure. How could this be happening to us? Our life was perfect. He is a perfect boy and son. How? Why? There is no way!

All we wanted to do was hold him and see him. The sheriff told us we could get into the ambulance but we were not allowed to touch him. That is the only way he would allow us to see him. What? Are you serious? This is our son. You’re not going to tell me what I can and can’t do with him!

Our bodies ached to hold him, but we would not be allowed to touch him or hold him to say goodbye because the incompetent sheriff’s investigator said it was an ongoing investigation.

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So, we get into this ambulance with our son laying there. We are surrounded by the EMT and sheriff. All we can do is look at him. We were in complete shock. Stunned by what is happening. These people won’t let us touch our son one last time here at our home.

This is insane!

To this day, I wish I would have picked Jacob up and given him to Brea and then fought off everyone for however long I could so she could hold her baby one more time. It would have been worth any amount of short term detainment I would have incurred. Go to jail – who cares at this point?

I don’t remember much after getting out of the ambulance. They told us which facility they would take him to for an autopsy. Then they drove him away. That’s when much of the fog starts.

Family and friends started arriving.

We tell the girls their little brother went to Heaven. They don’t understand the reality of it and neither do we. This is real but not real at the same time. Not us?

A child protective services worker comes to the house to interview us. They get names of relatives that can be responsible for the girls until our investigation is cleared. Each minute, it just keeps getting worse.

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Year One

I think I’ve heard (and I believe it) that you are in shock for the first six months after the passing of a child. I walked in a constant state of fog, with waves of overwhelming sadness, anger, guilt, and hopelessness. For a year, I hoped that I would die. And, no I didn’t think about whether the rest of my family needed me. You can say that is selfish. I say – my mind was in complete confusion and I did not want to live with the reality of what had happened to our family. What happened to my son was unimaginable. So, my mind was not in a rational place for a very long time.

In the very beginning you don’t think you will survive and you don’t know how you can stay in this much pain for an extended period of time. Somehow the human body and mind are able to handle an incredible and seemingly impossible amount of pain. You just keep waking up.

My bathroom floor was a familiar spot for quite some time. For whatever reason, lying down on a cold concrete floor felt like the right place to let myself go into an agonizing period of sadness for up to an hour at a time. You have to let the pain out or it will come out in unhealthy ways. Crying actually releases a lot tension and build up of hormones and toxins.

Initially, I cried so hard I thought I would pass out. Literally, I felt like I was crying so hard that I could not catch my breath. I felt like my heart would burst, or I would have a stroke from the pressure build up in my head. Over time though, I realized I would make it through. I just had to get through the intense sadness and then I would feel relief after waling for a while.

I didn’t go back to work for three weeks. For the first couple of weeks my Dad drove me to work. Then I started riding to work with a co-worker. My mind and body were in such trauma that I could not drive for about a month.

For the first six months, I was not very productive at work. Thankfully, I work with a group of wonderful, loving, caring, people that gave me as much space and time to work on healing as necessary. When I needed to leave early or to take off for therapy they let me. I feel bad for folks who are forced into trying to get back to work at the same level before their child passed. I don’t know how they do it. I’m thankful I didn’t have that pressure.

My wife and I went to a therapist together within a few weeks of the accident. At times, we would go together. But, mostly we went separately to deal with our grief personally. You learn that grief is different for everyone, so you have to treat it differently for each person. For a while I would go every week. Then, it went to every other week for at least a couple of years. After three years, I now go about once a month or as needed.

The first year of grief feels like the longest and shortest year of your life. Time flies by and stands still all at the same time.

One of the hardest things about the first year is that special events are like ripping the scab off a healing wound. Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mothers and Fathers Day, Easter, Family Vacations. Each day or event is a horrific reminder that your child is not there with you. Someone so important is

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missing. And, it feels like it’s all happening over and over again. So, those special days or times are marked not with happiness, joy, and memory making. They are marked with devastation.

As the first anniversary approached, I remember feeling like - well maybe this is it. We’ve had to do this for a year and now by some wishful miracle God will give him back to us. This will all be over. We’ve done our time and God can see that we made it. Our deal is up. Ok, now give him back to us.

Crazy thinking I know. But, that’s what I was feeling. We made it to a major mile stone and now Jacob will be back. But, that did not happen. He was not back and I did not get the miracle I wanted.

On June 12, 2012, one year after Jacob’s accident – I took the day off and my wife, kids, and I spent the day together trying to just focus on being together. We tried to do things for our daughters and trying to see them have happy moments. Yes, there was a huge cloud of sadness, but our goal was to just get through it. And we did. Together.

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Physical Pain

When you think of grieving, you usually associate it with the mental pain and suffering experienced. In addition to the obvious mental anguish, my grief took on a very real physical reaction that I felt for nearly a year. I don’t know exactly when I stopped feeling the physical effects of grief. I just know it took more time than I could have ever imagined. It was another constant reminder that something terribly wrong had happened and my body was not going to let me forget it.

For the first few weeks, my stomach hurt and I didn’t want to eat or drink. Our therapist told us immediately that the most important thing to do was drink water. With trauma like this, your body is constantly producing cortisol and adrenaline. The amount of hormones tearing through your body will dehydrate you very quickly. Eating was forced and not at all pleasant. I lost weight, but I forced myself to eat.

The major goal of the health professionals we were seeing was just to keep us alive, although we very much wanted to die. But, for our kids sake and for each other’s sake – we knew couldn’t hurt ourselves. Plenty of water, a few hours of sleep, and a little bit of food can keep you going enough to put one foot in front of another. That’s all we did – one breath at a time. And, each breath meant you were still living in this cloud of agony and disbelief.

Make no mistake, for a very long time; I hoped that I would die. I no longer wanted to deal with reality. I figured everyone would be just fine without me. Obviously, that is not true. My wife and daughters need me. But, I was unable to see that truth at the time.

For months after the accident, I was short of breath, hurt in my chest and legs, and sweat all the time. My feet would sweat so much it would make my socks wet.

I had a constant ache in my chest. If you put your hand over your heart when you say the pledge of allegiance, that’s exactly where I felt it. And it never went away. I would take deep breathes to try and relieve pressure at time, but it didn’t help.

My left arm would hurt and my pinky and ring finger would tingle. Yes, I thought – well I might be having a heart attack at any minute now. Which at the time, I was hoping for.

Additionally, I experienced a very annoying ache and tension in my legs. I would describe it as this – my legs were in a constant tension trying to pull towards my chest. Almost like I was trying, subconsciously, to curl up into a ball.

Most of these symptoms were treated with medication to treat anxiety, depression, and sleep disorders; along with weekly therapy sessions. Additionally, I think with the passing of time; your body acclimates itself to the trauma and figures out how to re-regulate itself. Medication certainly helped in managing the physical and mental affects of grief.

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Guilt

In my opinion, there is no question as to whether I bear some responsibility in the passing of my son. I was the only one at home with him that day. He was in my care and he was my responsibility to look after. There are several things that I could have done differently that day, which would have prevented this from happening.

Looking back, the single biggest mistake I made was lying down to take a nap and not locking the doors to the house. Jacob, most likely, would not have been able to figure out how to unlock the deadbolt lock. When I went to lie down, I left Jacob in his bed and he was laying down for his nap. Never before had he gotten up from his nap and walked outside. If I turn that deadbolt lock, then all of our lives are completely different.

Not for a second do I blame Jacob for the decision he made to go outside and get into our vehicle that day. We think he was looking for one of his toys. He’s a three and half year old little boy. He’s not thinking about the consequences of his actions. He doesn’t know what can happen if you can’t get out of a car in the middle of the summer. It’s our responsibility, as his parents; to protect him from his choices until he is old enough to know what decisions may cause him harm.

Paralyzed, angry, hopeless, empty, stupid, shame, unworthy, failure. These are the feeling I have, in various doses, when I’m battling the weight of the guilt I have related to the accident. I used to think the grief and guilt together would eventually kill me. Literally, I thought the weight of it would kill me. After about two and half years, I got to a place where I realized that some form of my guilt will not ever go away. But with the help of my therapist, I’ve realized I have the ability to bear it and will hold it for what it is. But, I will not let it destroy me.

From the beginning, I was looking for someone or something else to blame. I wanted to blame God initially for either allowing, or causing this to happen. Can I blame demonic forces? Anything? But, then it turned inward. As painful as it was, and is, to accept; it was rightfully so in some form or fashion partly my responsibility. And, I’ve fought with everything I have to figure out how to come to grips with handling and processing through this guilt.

Not only did the guilt make me feel unworthy of being alive. But it made me feel like I was a total failure at being a father and a husband. In those roles we are the “protectors” of our families. I failed at protecting Jacob from this accident. I have apologized to Jacob, to my wife, and to my daughters – hundreds of times. Those apologies will not bring him back.

In times of despair I would beg for forgiveness just to get a word of reassurance that my family didn’t hate or resent me. Let’s face it; I wouldn’t have been surprised if they had held some contempt in their heart for me. I know they love me, but they are human. I feel like a piece of me did hurt them. Although, it wasn’t intentional, my actions that day has caused tremendous pain. Time and time again, they held me close and told me through their tears, actions, and words – we don’t blame you for this.

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I can’t describe in words how thankful I am for the way they have loved me through the last three years. The grace and love they have shown me is most likely what has allowed me to keep going and continuing to figure out how to move forward in a healthy way. There has never been a hint of blame from any of them. And, for that, I am forever grateful.

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Theology

As you can imagine, what I think about God, who he is, what he can do, etc.; has been challenged and some of it has drastically changed. To keep it short – whatever I thought about God before June 12, 2011 was completely shattered into a million pieces. I had to start over from scratch and start putting the pieces back together. Much of what I had believed did not make sense any longer.

I’ve read more books than a seminary student on the subject of theodicy. Theodicy is the problem of innocent suffering and evil with the belief in the existence of a good, all powerful God. In addition to reading, I’ve emailed and asked prominent theologians and scholars for their answer as to how they reconcile this dilemma.

I’ve included an example of one of my emails along with two responses I received below. This email contains all the theological questions and problems that I wrestle with. I chose to include my two favorite responses because they seem to ring the most true to me. One is from a philosopher, and one is from a prominent theologian. Both have suffered tremendous pain and loss.

Professor Nicholas Wolterstorff Professor of Philosophical Theology – Yale University Author, Lament for a son http://religiousstudies.yale.edu/wolterstorff

My email to Dr. Nicholas Wolterstorff – October 1, 2012

Dear Professor Wolterstorff,

I was introduced to you by listening to a podcast on grief. Since then, my wife and I have both read your book Lament for Son. My wife and I are bereaved parents.

My 3 year old son, Jacob, got up from his nap on Sunday June 12, 2011, and went outside while I was lying down in our bedroom. He got into our family vehicle, and somehow the doors shut. It was extremely hot that day, and he was unable to get out. I did not find him in time. The worst thing that could ever happen to a parent has happened to us. My wife, two daughters, and I are all going to therapy. It has helped to the extent it can and we are slowly healing. The devastation of that day is haunting. And, the guilt I feel for not hearing him go outside, or for not laying by his side, or all the what-if’s that I could have done to prevent this are almost too much to bear. But, somehow we are able to get up and do what we must to stay alive and to care for each other.

My entire theology has been shattered. I grew up in a southern Baptist setting where God has everything under control, pre-ordains all events, and where God has a “plan” for everyone. It’s hard for me to believe any of that anymore. I prayed for protection over my son nearly every night before bed. Was it not enough? Would one more prayer have saved his life? He was an innocent 3 year old boy who was full of life, joy, and love. Why would God let these things, absolutely senseless things, happen to

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beautiful children? I could understand it happening to bad or evil individuals. Or, those whose actions caused them to be put into harmful situations. But this is not the case with Jacob.

I am struggling greatly with many ideas, questions, anger, and certainly even the existence of God. I desperately want to find, feel, and hear from God. But all I receive is silence. If my child was hurting and looking for me, I would cross the globe and go through hell to get to them. To hold them, and to let them know I was there. That I loved them with all my being. And, there would be NO Doubt that I was there with them. I have begged God for some whisper, a sign, some reassurance that God, the Bible, and Jesus are all real. But, again I get nothing.

So in my continued search I wanted to contact you and pose to you my thoughts and questions, and hope for any response you wish to give. If you don’t have the opportunity or time, that is perfectly fine.

I have outlined my questions below:

How does Nicholas Wolterstorff “KNOW” there is a God? Have you ever had an actual experience of God? I must know there is God! I want to “know”, not just “believe”. I’m so tired of the phrase that “you just have to have faith”. Pascal's Wager is not good enough for me anymore. There is too much at stake to live based upon such a feeble argument. What is it that gives you the absolute assurance that what you teach and believe is truth? If God is good and powerful, why would he not save my 3 year old son? Does God intervene at all in this world? If God does not intervene in this world, then why do we pray? What purpose is there in prayer? If God intervenes sometimes, and not at other times, then how can he be good all the time? If God “allows” things to happen, then his inaction is still an action. Correct? He is not off the hook for not having prevented something from happening to my son. Do you believe God has a plan for each of our lives? If there is no specific plan, then how do you reconcile that understanding with verses that seem to state that God does have our days numbered, etc? What do you believe those who have passed away, such as my son, are literally doing presently? Are they fully aware? Is there soul sleep? Are they aware of our actions here on earth? Do you think I will be able to parent my son on the “new earth”, since those years have been taken away? Do you have any practical steps for how I should move forward at this point? How should I find God? How can I know he is there? How should I pray? How should I study the bible? I don’t know how to move forward with God. I really want to know he is there. That he loves me. And, that I will see my son again.

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Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. Any response is greatly appreciated. Dr. Wolterstorff’s email response dated – November 5, 2012 “Dear Mr. Jones, Thank you for writing about the death of your son. The questions you ask are deep. I wish I had time to reply fully; but I am under a crush of obligations. I trust you understand. My view, at bottom, is this. God wants every human being to flourish until "full of years." But something has gone awry in God's creation. How that could happen, I don't know. I do believe that God will redeem creation from what has gone awry. But why it takes so long, I also don't know. So I live with unanswered questions. When I wonder whether God does really exist, I look at creation -- its immensity, its incredible intricacy. And I find belief welling up inside me. As you have experienced, grief changes the shape of our faith. In my case, it did not destroy my faith. But its shape is now very different. Sincerely yours, and with the wish that I had time to say more, Nicholas Wolterstorff I also sent a letter to one of my favorite theologians Jurgen Moltmann. He is a German theologian, author, and speaker. The letter I wrote him had many of the same questions. See his letter response back to me below.

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You can see that I had a lot of hard questions. The questions are all over the place. You get a sense of all things that I was wrestling with and trying to figure out. Going back and reading it now, I can feel the desperation in my words. I needed answers. There is a lot of fear, confusion, and anger. Fear - that there is ultimately no God, because how could there be if he let this happen. Confused - because I thought God and I had a deal. I follow the rules and be a good Christian man and He keeps bad things from happening to me and my family. Furious - that God didn’t keep this from happening. If God is good and all powerful – then why wouldn’t he intervene and save an innocent child from a painful senseless death.

I can say that I still live with many unanswered questions. Thankfully, I am starting to have a little more peace as it relates to God and the role He plays in our life. It certainly has been a painful struggle to get to the place I am today. Though, I’m thankful that I never stopped fighting and wrestling with Him and these questions.

My theology is different than it was before. The pain and sadness took me to a very deep dark place. All I can say to other grieving parents and those who are around them is – ask the hard questions. Don’t stop asking the questions and don’t settle for glossy churchy platitudes. The easy answers are too shallow to touch the deep pain in this grief.

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Friends

The best thing you can do for a grieving friend is be present. No need to say anything. Just sit with the person grieving and let your presence speak to them. You being there will be remembered by them for the rest of their lives. They won’t remember anything you said, unless of course, it’s something awful.

Loneliness is one of the strongest feelings experienced by grieving parents. You feel like you are the only person this has ever happened to. I’m not sure why that is the case. But, it is a universal feeling based on my experience with other grieving parents.

I know before this happened to us, I wouldn’t have known what to do for friends who were grieving. It’s a helpless situation for everyone involved. There is nothing you can do to fix it or make the pain go away. So, then people try to say things to help. Usually, it doesn’t. For whatever reason, we are terrible at knowing what to say in situations like this.

Theological platitudes are probably the worst words spoken to grieving parents. Many parents will tell you the most hurtful things they heard were in relation to God or bad theology.

Don’t every try to minimize the magnitude of this type of pain. Most likely, it’s the worst pain experienced by a human. So, please don’t minimize it with empty words. And, don’t try to give answers to “why?” There is no good answer.

The words that meant the most to me, and I still remember, are: “I’m so sorry. I can’t believe this happened. It’s awful and horrible. There are no words. I’m with you in this.”

We lost friends through our grieving process. It seems to happen a lot to grieving parents. It’s awful and something I wouldn’t have thought would be so common. But, it is very common.

I think the death of a child brings about an impossible situation in so many ways. One of them is this – when you need your friends the most, sometimes they just can’t handle your grief. It’s too powerful a force for some. It’s too dark. It’s too painful. Your presence can be a constant reminder to them that bad things can happen to their family. And, some can’t handle that reality.

Some friends choose to distance themselves. And, it hurts like hell at the time. It feels like people are abandoning you when you need them the most. You can’t imagine that a close friend would do that to you. But, they are just not able to deal with your pain and grief.

If you are a friend of a grieving parent, I urge you: Do NOT leave. You need to step into their pain with them. This is what life is about. We should be walking in pain with each other. Hold each other up when we need it the most. Even when it causes you pain and hurt to be with a grieving person, you need to suck it up and be with them. I promise you, they are hurting worse than you are. And, one day, when you are grieving; you are going to need them to do the same for you. So, here is my plea to you: Run to their side. Sit down. Put your hand on their shoulder. Be quiet. Don’t leave.

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Family

You will hear stories about families who have had a child pass away and how paralyzed the parents are with grief. They have friends or family members stay with them for days or weeks afterwards. I have so much sympathy for those who don’t have this type of support to help them. Our family moved in with us for two months. That’s how great they were/are.

From what I have seen and heard from others grieving parents, our situation was not normal. And, thank God it wasn’t. Our family didn’t leave us alone. Not for two months. They stayed with us day and night. Cleaning, cooking, taking care of our daughters, taking care of us, paying our bills, organizing meals and visits, communicating with the outside on our behalf. They kept our family unit in tact while my wife and I were just trying to breathe.

As if the situation wasn’t awful enough, we were also investigated by Child Protective Services and I was investigated by the County Sheriffs office for possible wrongdoing or neglect. It was a nightmare within a nightmare. Without even asking, family members set up and attended meetings with us and attorneys, CPS, and sheriff’s investigators.

The words I write about this don’t do it justice. All of the government agencies we were dealing with were teetering on incompetent and completely lacking in human decency and respect. I didn’t have the capability to have patience with us being accused of something we didn’t do. So, having our family walk through that awful experience with us was very helpful and kept us from completely falling apart where we couldn’t function at all.

I cannot imagine having to go through all of this without their help. It was unbelievable. Their counsel, presence, and assistance with all of this was so wonderful. We are eternally grateful to them all.

I hate that in the midst of all the help they were giving us, they too were grieving the loss of a grandson, nephew, or cousin. They felt and still do feel the pain of not having Jacob with us. He is a very special boy to so many people and he is an incredibly important person within our family unit. Everyone in our family was feeling that loss and sadness throughout. Yet, they stepped up and held us tight and loved us through it all.

Their presence was vital to our survival within the first few months and their love comforts and supports us as we all learn to live with Jacob’s absence.

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Therapy

Walking into a therapist office for the first time with my wife was so surreal and horrible. “Am I really here? Please tell me this is a dream.”

Our first meeting with our therapist, Paula Loring, was mostly spent wiping away tears and trying to muster some strength to verbalize our disbelief and sadness.

Thankfully, she is the best therapist in the world – in my opinion. I can’t imagine having her job, but she is amazing at what she does. The amount of pain and sadness that she has to sit through and witness would crush the average human being. But, she is not your average person. She is truly remarkable.

I continue to see her on a regular basis. It has tapered off as time has passed, but nonetheless, I still need to talk through things when I dip back down into a valley. My wife and I saw her together for a few months while we worked on how we were going to navigate this together.

The divorce rate is very high among grieving parents. If there is any weakness in the chain before hand, this type of stress and sadness will put your marriage to the test.

Men and women grieve in very different ways. And, each individual can experience grief differently. So, there is no one size fits all way to grieve properly.

One of the best pieces of advice Paula gave us as a couple was to let each other grieve how we needed to. Don’t judge it or try to change it. Just let it be as long as you aren’t hurting anyone else or yourself. That has helped us so much because at times, you don’t understand why someone is acting a certain way or doing something that seems strange to you. But, if you just let it be what it is, it makes for a much more peaceful time together.

I feel a lot of guilt with what happened. My guilt added another layer of emotion which could be crippling and destructive at times. It took hundreds of hours of therapy to get to where I am today. The guilt is not gone. But, it is at a level I can bear and live with.

If I had not worked on my guilt as hard as I did, I’m not sure what type of shape I would be in right now. But, I know I am in a much healthier spot to be a good husband and father going forward.

I’m so thankful that someone recommended that we meet with Paula. For me, it has probably been the most important thing I’ve done to heal for my family and for myself.

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Helping Others

Our family had been sponsoring some children for several years through Children’s Hopechest, a non- profit out of Colorado, before Jacob’s passing. When it happened, we told people to just give in Jacob’s name if they wanted to do something.

There is a tremendous amount of energy in grief. Your body wants to be doing something and your mind wants to be distracted. You have a choice to do constructive or destructive things with that energy. As a family, we chose to do something for others fueled by Jacob’s love and our pain.

In partnership with Children’s Hopechest, we found a community and school in Uganda to support through fundraising efforts. We decided to put on an event in February 2012, called the Superhero Ball.

Jacob loves superhero’s and dressed up like one all the time. A little red headed boy walking around town with shorts, boots, a cape, and a bat man mask was quite a site to see. And, it was his regular apparel.

So, Jacob’s love for superhero’s inspired us to put on an event where families and children would come dressed as their favorite superhero. We had tons of events for kids to do: dancing, live and silent auctions, and dinner.

We’ve held three Superhero Ball’s thus far and raised over $100,000 total. Additionally, we’ve been able to get over 50 children at the Murole Prep School in Uganda sponsored. Those sponsors donate $34 per month to help a child with school fees, food, clothing, and general health care.

In June of 2014 I went with a group of friends and family to visit this community and school for the second time. We visited for the first time in October of 2012. During our visits we are able to see the projects that have been funded and build relationships with the community and kids who benefit from the money raised through the Superhero Ball.

It’s amazing to see what has been done through the generosity of so many people. We are so grateful to the many people who choose to be a part of this effort. Lives of so many kids have been exponentially changed.

Jacob touched a lot of people while he was here for three and half years. And, he is going to continue to impact the kids at this school for many years. The largest project we have funded is a dormitory at the Murole Prep School, called Jacob’s House. It houses over a hundred orphans and vulnerable children who needed a place to stay near the school.

Put your pain to work to help others. Somehow it does help heal your soul. There is something powerful in turning around a tragedy and using it to make a positive impact on others. One of the most important statements someone said to me was – “The question isn’t why did this happen? It’s now that this has happened, what are you going to do?”

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Things That Have Helped

Family and Friends

Having close family and friends around you non-stop was probably the single most important thing in our lives during the first few months to help keep our family in-tact and functioning. Not only did they care for our children while we were unable to, they cooked and cleaned, paid our bills, did yard work, and sat and cried with us. I’m so thankful for those that sat with us in our pain and were present.

Medication

We could not sleep and you don’t want to eat. The pain is unbearable and you think it will crush you. My wife and I both took medication to help us get through the day. There are great prescription sleep medications and anti depressants. I also took anxiety medication for a while because my mind just couldn’t handle the stress.

Self Medicating

I’m just sharing the truth of my experience here so don’t take this as a recommendation by any means. I drank alcohol. And, for a while I drank too much. Looking back it was very dangerous to be mixing alcohol and prescription pills. It’s just a fact, a lot of grieving parents drink to get numb.

Journaling

We both started journaling within a few weeks. Many people gave us advice to write and you hear it often. There is therapy in writing. That’s part of the reason I’m writing this. Getting the thoughts and expressions out of your head and onto a piece of paper help clear your mind. It is very helpful.

My Wife

I don’t know how I would have got through this tragedy without my wife. Thankfully, we had a great marriage before this happened. Otherwise, I can see how this tears apart families. There is a very high divorce rate with parents who have a child pass. She never blamed me or held me responsible for what happened. I’m eternally grateful to her for that.

My Kids

I remember lying on my side next to one of my daughters and just holding on to her hand. In the beginning our desperation and pain was comforted by the presence of our other children. Even though they are hurting in their own way, they were comforting us through the pain. Now, they give me even more strength to keep going. They are so worth it.

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Group Therapy

I went to group therapy starting at about month 4 or 5. I went for about a year and half on a weekly basis. Being around other parents who have had the same experience is of great comfort. It is helpful to realize you are not the only person who has experienced this pain and to be around others who know the depth of your sorrow.

Therapy

My wife and I went to therapy together and separately. Our daughters went to a bereavement center for children. It was very helpful for all of us and I think it’s a vital part of healing in a healthy way.

Reading

We became voracious readers during the first year. We wanted to get our minds onto something else and have our mind occupied. It was helpful to read books written by other grieving parents. I read a ton of theology books as well.

Exercise

Regular exercise helps reduce stress levels and gets your mind focused on something besides your grief. It was, and still is, a very important part of helping me cope with my grief.

Daily Routine

It was very helpful to have daily routine after the initial shock wore off. Doing the same thing everyday at the same time makes your daily life seem a little more manageable.

Helping Others

We started raising money for orphans in Africa immediately. We have done a fundraiser the past three years and I’ve travelled to Uganda twice. Doing something good for others is very helpful in healing after tragedy. Don’t let the pain destroy you. Use your pain to do good.

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Random Final Thoughts

I think I am more compassionate, in general. I know I am more compassionate to grieving parents.

I am much less dogmatic in my theology. I live with many unanswered questions.

I know I am much less in control than I thought I was.

Bad things happen to good people all the time.

I love laughing now more than ever. It is very healing and therapeutic.

Life is much more chaotic than I thought, and I can live with that.

My wife loves me more than I thought was possible.

My wife and daughter’s forgiveness and grace shows me evidence of God.

Humans can withstand an enormous amount of pain and sadness.

I think I worry less about small stuff.

My family’s love, commitment, and support are unique and special. I don’t take it for granted.

I don’t regret spoiling Jacob.

I’m thankful that I told Jacob I loved him every day.

Even though he would wipe off my kisses, I still kissed him every day. I’m glad I didn’t let it bother me.

In general, as white Christian Americans, we are really bad at grieving with each other.

There is no answer to the “why” question.

The church doesn’t talk deep enough about the terrible hurt and pain everyone is carrying.

Some friends can walk in grief with you, some friends can’t.

Grieving parents are grieving much longer than you think they are or should.

I’m thankful when people talk about Jacob. It makes me sad but happy at the same time. It’s sweet and sacred conversation.

I will never tell a grieving parent – “this was God’s will”. I think that is a lie.

Everyone probably needs to go to therapy at some point in their life. We are all messed up in some form or fashion that requires the help of a professional.

Therapy helped save my marriage, my family, and my life.

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You shouldn’t be afraid of, or ashamed of, taking medication to help you function or survive.

We have experienced the worst pain and sadness a parent can go through. But, we still have a good life.

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Resources

Recommended Reading

Lament For A Son – Nicholas Wolterstorff

A Grief Observed – C.S. Lewis

Gift of The Red Bird – Paula D’Arcy

When Bad Things Happen To Good People – Harold Kushner

Without A Word – Jill Kelly

For Grieving Siblings

The Children’s Bereavement Center of South Texas

http://cbcst.org/

To give to, or to sponsor a child, please consider Children’s Hopechest: http://www.hopechest.org/

To contact us: jasonandbrea@gmail.com