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Adventures in Thinking
about complaint-free
Habits, Patterns, and Thoughts That Go Bump in
the Night
To paraphrase: “It’s the thinking, stupid.”
© George Sewell
But first,a little exercise.
It’s all about managing change…
JOY (freedom/love/appreciation)PassionEnthusiasmPositive Expectations (belief)OptimismHopefulnessContentmentBoredomPessimismDoubtWorry
Frustration (irritation)OverwhelmedDisappointmentBlameDiscouragementAngerRevengeHatred (Rage)JealousyInsecurity (unworthiness)Fear (powerlessness)
Higher Emotions Lower Emotions
Managing Change: Finding the best feeling in the now moment = Relief
Up and down the emotional scale
How selective are you about what you eat?
How selective are you about what you wear?
How selective are you about the water you drink?
How selective are you about the people you associate with?
How selective are you regarding your thoughts?
Think About It…
Impossible Tasks
• Hold your breath until you suffocate• Stare at the Sun• Stop Thinking• Make people do what you want them to do
It is possible to manage your thoughts.
“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what
we think.”
Buddah, circa 563 to 483 BCE.
Huh? Who, me?
“The only constant is change.”
Heraclitus of Ephesus - Greek philosopher known for his doctrine of change being central to the universe (ca 535 BCE - 475 BCE)
“You cannot step into the same river twice.”
What? Change is the only thing that doesn’t change?
“Suffering arises from trying to control what is uncontrollable”
Epictetus Greek Stoic Philosopher (CA 55-135)
“Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them”
Wait a minute! I’ll feel better when all those S.O.B.s get their act together!
“The Universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make
it.”
Marcus Aurelius Antonius Augustus Roman emperor from 161 to his death in 180, (26 April 121 – 17 March 180)
My life is a result of my own thoughts?
But…who’s to blame?
“Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
Abraham LincolnPresident, Inventor, Visionary (1809- 1865)
Something about getting up on the wrong (or right) side of the bed…
“...for there is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so”
William Shakespeare HAMLET, Act II, Scene 1
…but, but…
“The only thing we can perceive are our own perceptions”George Berkeley
Philosopher and empiricist
1685 – 1753. Bishop Berkeley was the First President of Kings College (now Columbia University) in Rhode Island.
“People are trying to change outer conditions but leaving their consciousness unchanged, and it cannot be done”
Emmet Fox (1886-1951)
Dr. Emmet Fox - Minister, Author, Teacher.
“We inhabit a cosmos made real in part by our own
observations…our observations influence the universe at the
most fundamental levels.”
John A. Wheeler, Physicist . Coined the term “black hole” and “wormhole” (1911 – 2008).
Observation = Attention
“Energy is the essence of life. Every day you decide how you're going to use it by knowing what you want and what it takes to reach that goal, and by maintaining focus.”
Oprah WinfreyO Magazine, July 2003Actress & television talk show host (1954 - )
I have no idea what I want. You mean that’s my problem?
“Your mind, body, and affairs are the expression
of your thoughts, so, if you are unhappy, change your
mental habits”
Charles Fillmore American philosopher, mystic, teacher, (1854 – 1948) .
“You can begin to shape your own destiny by the attitude
that you keep”
Michael Bernard Beckwith Minister, philosopher, teacher (1952…)
Everybody has an attitude! Is mine one I’d admire in someone else?
“When someone persuades me that I am wrong, I change my
mind. What do you do?”
John Maynard Keynes (1883 – 1946)British Economist whose ideas have had a major impact on modern economic and political theory.
Indeed, what DO you do if you won’t, don’t, or can’t change your mind?
The geographical cure does not work – habits and thinking patterns continue regardless of location
Everywhere I go I keep meeting the same old people
Wherever I go the same old stuff seems to happen
Why?Birds of a feather flock together – like
attracts like
If you want to change your life, change your thinking first.
Managing change is an inside job
The “Mortgage” Crisis!
For some –
Personal happiness, enjoyment and satisfactiondepend not on personal choices, but on what other people/conditions do.
It’s called mortgaging your happiness to another persons behavior.
Gosh, how well does that work?Them
Me
A person can decide this moment to think a different thought
Right now the thought can produce a better feeling
A better feeling = relief (or even more fun!)
With practice, choosing thought becomes a tool for desired change
It is unrealistic to make an emotional leap from despair to optimism - a better feeling place could be anger or resentment (change means that a person doesn’t have to remain in any state)
The thought is chosen NOW and isn’t dependent on another person, situation, or condition
Now is the only time
Caution! Complaints Ahead!
Complaining causes us to focus on the problem, rather than potential solutions.
If you focus on what is wrong, that’s what persists.
Complaining can impair physical and emotional health.
Some physicians estimate they spend as much as 2/3 of their time dealing with health problems that are sourced, or made worse, by a person's thinking.
People who complain about their health tend to have poor health. Which came first? (Think of all those people whose conversations consist of comparing ailments)
What is a common thread in an unsatisfying relationship? Complaining.
Modified from The Complaint Free Organization Workbook
What is complaining? It’s observing something that displeases you and throwing energy (attention) at it. Complaining is a way of expressing concern about something. Ironically, like worry, the activity of complaining may increase the disagreeable situation or condition rather than reducing it. How is that?
When we complain we focus attention on something we do not like. The more we complain, the more focused the attention – which reveals even more of what we don’t like, leading to more complaints, and so on. A complaint is internal dissatisfaction as opposed to an observation of a fact.
It’s personal!
Photo Credit: Neil Johnson
People think better and make better decisions when they feel good. It’s not possible to complain and feel good at the same time. Like laughter, feeling good can spread (and vice-versa!)
The fastest way to stop a complaint is immediately replace it with an appreciation. Like tuning from an irritating radio station to one pleasing, the subtle negativity and conflict embedded in a complaint can be shifted to something that feels better. There’s always something to be appreciated or grateful for – always!
Why “Complaint Free?”
Complaint Freedoesn’t mean ignoring problems or “shutting
up”
It ‘s a change in the way to communicate with self and others about observations
When we complain we are talking about what we don’t want rather than what we do want
Our words indicate to us what we are thinking
If you always speak of your troubles, you will always have troubles to speak of.
“One man I know suffered from chronic headaches. Every night he would arrive home from work and tell his wife how much his head had hurt that day. Realizing that telling his wife about his headaches did nothing to lessen their occurrence or severity, he decided to stop talking about them…he no longer has these headaches.”*
Where to begin?
* Bowen, Will A Complaint Free World Doubleday 2007 Page 2
G.R.I.P.E
Get Attention – making contact with someone else
Remove Responsibility – don’t expect me...
Inspire Envy – if they would do it MY way...
Power – support me
Excuse Poor Performance – don’t expect much from me
Why complain?
From “The Complaint Free Organization” workbook
Examples of Complaints(Note: many fit into more than one category)
Get AttentionThe primary need people have is to connect with others. A person may complain to a stranger about the weather or a local sports team as a means of starting a conversation.
Is it hot enough for you? (Hello!)
The traffic was horrendous this morning. (Talk to me)
Remove ResponsibilityPeople will complain to avoid trying to improve society and themselves.
Nothing will ever change. (I don’t have to try because what I do won’t make a difference.)
You can’t fight City Hall. (And I didn’t vote anyway)Inspire EnvyA complaint may be a cry of superiority. It implies that the complainer feels they don’t have whatever fault they are complaining about.
Nobody ever thanks me for anything I do. (I do more than anyone.)
My boss is incompetent (I’m superior to her.)
Power
People often complain to incite others to abandon an alliance and switch to their point of view, and/or build support and power by focusing on what’s wrong with another’s position.
He is not a good leader. (Tell others I should replace
him.)
Her idea is lame. (Support my idea instead.)
Excuse Poor PerformanceA person about to speak before a group may complain they have a scratchy throat to lower expectations should they not speak well.
I’m getting another headache. (I’ll fail because my head hurts).
This client is constantly delaying the production schedule. (And don’t expect me to manage the situation any better.)Modified Table from “The Complaint Free Organization”
workbook
Complaint/Gossip Fact
I feel cold.
Why is this room always so cold?He’s wearing jeans and boots to the office today.Check out Mr. Business Casual in his faded jeans and scruffy boots.
Our revenues and profits are at historic lows.Business stinks.
I feel tired.
I’m so tired.This client is a basket case. You’ll never make him happy.
This client has a reputation of being difficult to please.
There is a difference between a complaint and a fact
Table from “The Complaint Free Organization” workbook
x
x
x
x
x
xx
x
x
x
“Complaining is not to be confused with informing someone of a mistake or deficiency so that it can be put right. And to refrain from complaining doesn’t necessarily mean putting up with bad quality of behavior. There is no ego in telling the waiter your soup is cold and needs to be heated up – if you stick to the facts, which are always neutral.”
“How dare you serve me cold soup!” . . . That’s complaining.
Eckert Tolle, Author
Reduce Ear Pollution!
If someone sees something around them that they don’t like and complain, it’s because they believe it cheats them of something.
“My life would be better if _______” (fill in the blank)
If the _____ involves waiting for another person to change their nature or the environment to change, in order to feel better, then it’s going to be a long wait.
Complaint-Free is observing facts but not personalizing them –”they’re doing it to me on purpose!”
It’s difficult to complain and feel good at the same time. Basic question: Do you want to feel good?
Do you want others to feel good?Isn’t that what you want?
But, really, why even consider this “complaint free” thing?
The more you bitch, the worse you feel
Complain. Complain. Complain. This is the sound of people who believe they are life’s victims
Complaining is contagious
The less you complain, the better you feel
The less you complain, the more “problems” are solved
Smiling is contagious, too
Warning!Complaint Free = Big Change
(remember “hands?”)
Just about everything will get washed and tossed.
Your Grandmother got it right: If you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.
That’s quite different from “if you can’t say something nice about someone, come sit next to me.”
One blogger took the 21 day Purple Bracelet challenge. The chronicle was not a pretty picture…
One social worker brought in a box of “A Complaint Free World” purple bracelets and began passing them out to her coworkers - so they would stop complaining…
…after three days, my daughter glared at me – “who are you, and what have you done with my mother!”
She didn’t get it – it’s not about other people.
“Other people rarely complain to me anymore. It didn't take long for others to see that I'm not interested in negative conversations. “
And the problem with that is…?
Others say…
“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain” - Maya Angelou .
“When I notice that I feel badly, I look for the cause. If it's not easy to find, I just make some small changes and move all over until I hit a spot that feels better. It looks a little like avoiding a swarm of bees. “
“I can't be miserable just for the sake of being like everyone else. “
When you’re complaint-free, you learn to find solutions rather than staying mucked in the problem.
How I Began …
“I started by making the conscious choice to shift away from what didn't feel good. I didn't even think about shifting to what did feel good, I just started with moving away from what felt bad.
“Maybe this sounds easy. Don't we naturally gravitate toward what feels good? No, not necessarily. Humans are pattern making and pattern following machines. We easily get stuck in habits, whether they feel good or not. “
Amy Johnson, Ph.D
Dr. Amy Johnson’s List of “How I did it.”
I avoid women's magazines and celebrity gossip.
I no longer watch the nightly news or follow politics.
I stay away from negative people.
I don't watch movies or television shows that are depressing or violent.
Most of all, I monitor my thoughts and emotions.
The Impact of these Changes
For starters, I feel much better. And that's what it's all about.
I rarely launch into complaint or criticism, and when I do, I'm quickly aware that I'm complaining because of how it feels. Basically, when I complain, I complain with awareness. That means I always have the choice of continuing with my tirade or shifting to something that feels better.
By feeling better and learning to re-focus, I experience much more of what I want in life. I've created some pretty cool things, actually.
Amy Johnson, Ph.D
And, finally…
The day I fired Frankie…
www.acomplaintfreeworld.org
m
Want more?
Habits, Patterns, and Thoughts That Go Bump in the Night
Good thinking from Dr. Johnson:www.dramyjohnson.com
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