Ali Baba &

The Forty Thieves

A pantomime

By Simon Rayner Davis

Spotlight Publications COPYRIGHT © 2011 SIMON RAYNER DAVIS Published by Spotlight Publications All rights are reserved including performances on stage, radio and television. No part of this publication may be reproduced by photocopying or any other means without the prior permission of the copyright owner. It is an infringement of the copyright to give any performance or public reading of the play before a licence has been issued. Spotlight pantomimes must be played as per the script, and without alterations, additions or cuts, except by written permission of the publisher. However minor changes such as the addition of local references and topical references or gags are permitted. Likewise, all musical numbers may be changed at the discretion of the producer. Drama groups must obtain a full acting set of scripts (a minimum of one script per speaking part plus one for the director) before a performing licence can be issued. The name of the author shall be stated on all publicity including posters and programmes. Programme credits shall state "script provided by Spotlight Publications". All enquiries to Spotlight Publications, 259 The Moorings, Dalgety Bay, Fife, KY11 9GX, tel. 01383 825737. Email: enquiries@spotlightpublications.com Website: www.spotlightpublications.com

ISBN 978-1-907307-21-8

Ali Baba & the Forty Thieves CAST (in order of appearance) Ali Baba A woodcutter Rum Baba His wife Abba Baba His son Morgiana Servant to Ali Baba Cassim Baba Ali Baba’s brother Ugli Baba His wife Tetley An apprentice Typhoo Another apprentice Maid Earlier The one-eyed leader of the Thieves Dickie Beau ) Jack the Kipper )Four Tie Polly Esther )Thieves Reggie Mental ) Rough Ralph A draper Duane Pipe A pet salesman Mustapha Tinkle A tailor Semolina A well-off lady Tapioca Another well-off lady Sam ) Joe )Five George )naughty Harry )children Charlie ) Citizens & Traders of Old Baghdad Place - in and around Baghdad Time - whenever SYNOPSIS OF SCENES ACT ONE Scene 1 The Old Bazaar in Old Baghdad Scene 2 A back street, front of tabs Scene 3 The Thieves’ secret cave in the Forest of Foreboding Scene 4 The houses of Ali Baba and Cassim Baba Scene 5 The Thieves’ cave Scene 6 Ali Baba’s house Scene 7 The Thieves’ cave ACT TWO Prologue Outside Mustapha Tinkle’s tailor shop Scene 1 The schoolroom Scene 2 Mustapha Tinkle’s shop Scene 3 A back street Scene 4 Outside the house of Ali Baba Scene 5 Another back street Scene 6 Ali Baba’s house Scene 7 A passage in Ali Baba’s new palace Scene 8 The Great Hall of Ali Baba’s palace

MUSICAL NUMBERS (All songs by Bjorn Ulvaeus & Benny Andersson) ACT 1 1. “Take A Chance On Me” (Dancers & Chorus) 2. “Waterloo” (Maid Earlier & the Thieves) 2a. “Waterloo” (reprise) (Tetley & Typhoo) 3. “Money, Money, Money” (Ali, Rum & Abba Baba) 4. “Fernando” (Ali & Abba Baba) 5. “Does Your Mother Know” (Ugli, Rum & Ali) 6. “I Have A Dream” (Cassim & the Thieves) 7. "Chiquitita" (Ugli) 8. “SOS” (Ali, Rum, Abba & Morgiana) 8a. “Waterloo” (reprise) (Maid Earlier & the Thieves) ACT 2 9. “Mamma Mia” (Children) 9a. “Waterloo” (reprise) (Thieves) 10. “One Of Us” (Rum Baba, Maid Earlier & the Thieves) 11. “Dancing Queen” (instrumental) 12. “The Winner Takes It All” (Maid Earlier) 13. "I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do" (Abba Baba & Morgiana) 14. “Ring, Ring” (Tetley & Typhoo) 15. “Honey, Honey” (instrumental) 16. “Thank You For The Music” (whole cast) N.B. This list of songs is only the author's recommendation. All songs are at the discretion of the Musical Director. Spotlight does not hold the copyright for this list. For permission to perform these or any other songs, producers should apply to: The Performing Right Society Ltd. 29-33 Berners Street, London W1P 4AA. SYNOPSIS OF SCENES ACT ONE Scene 1 The Old Bazaar in Old Baghdad Scene 2 A back street, front of tabs Scene 3 The Thieves’ secret cave in the Forest of Foreboding Scene 4 The houses of Ali Baba and Cassim Baba Scene 5 The Thieves’ cave Scene 6 Ali Baba’s house Scene 7 The Thieves’ cave ACT TWO Prologue Outside Mustapha Tinkle’s tailor shop Scene 1 The schoolroom Scene 2 Mustapha Tinkle’s shop Scene 3 A back street Scene 4 Outside the house of Ali Baba Scene 5 Another back street Scene 6 Ali Baba’s house Scene 7 A passage in Ali Baba’s new palace Scene 8 The Great Hall of Ali Baba’s palace

ACT 1

Scene 1 The Old Bazaar in Old Baghdad. The scene opens with all the street sellers, traders and hawkers as well as the citizens of Old Baghdad singing to each other. The entrance to the house of Ali Baba is set upstage left

SONG 1: Take A Chance On Me (Chorus)

All If you want some silk, Or you need some milk, Traders Come along to me, and you'll get it free. All If you'd like some rice or spice they have got it here, But I wouldn't try it, it will make you queer! If you need some brass, Or a dodgy bit of glass, Traders Come along to me, and you'll get it free. All They've some sexy underwear in both black and brown, But they've no elastic so they'll let you down. Traders Take a chance on me - Buyers (Spoken) No you don't want to do that - Traders Take a chance on me. Buyers We come here shopping, Looking for discounts, Every single morning, We like to grab hold, Of any new bargains, Specially without warning, Cos you know we like, An item that’s been reduced At a price we could be seduced. Buyers ) It’s magic Traders ) It’s tragic, Buyers We just want something cheap At a price that is not too steep. Traders Will you let it go! Buyers Fraid the answer’s no! All Take a chance on me! After the song has ended the various traders and hawkers mingle with the customers. At the same time Rough Ralph, a draper, moves downstage Rough (calling out) Come, gather round my fellow Baghdadians… (no reaction at all). Feast your eyes on

the finest silks from the Far East… (still no reaction) Lookee, lookee, citizens of Old Baghdad (again no reaction) Come on, you old bags…!

Ugli (indignantly) What did you call us? Rough (a shade hesitantly) Er… I said come on, you old bags! Ugli (interrupting) Do you know who I am? Rough No, but I’m sure I can get someone to tell you if you can’t remember! Ugli (enraged) My name is Mrs Ugli (pronounced yoo-glee) Baba. Rough Can you spell that? Ugli It’s U-G-L-I. Rough U-G-L-I? (After a short pause) Oh, you mean Ugli! (Pronouncing it ugly)

Ugli (grabbing him by the collar) I mean Ugli! (yoo-glee) Rough (hoarsely) Ugli! (yoo-glee) Right! Ugli And I am not an old bag. Rough (still hoarsely) No? Ugli No! I am an old Baghdadian! Rough Old Baghdadian. I’ve got it! Ugli (releasing him) You’ll get it all right. (To the other two ladies) Typical riff-raff. Rough I’m not riff-raff. I’m Rough Ralph! Ugli What? Rough My name is Rough Ralph! Ugli (to the other two ladies) Sounds like a dog! (They all giggle) Rough Well at least I don’t look like one! Ugli (immediately turning on him) What did you say? Rough (quickly thinking something up) I said perhaps you’d like to look at one…. of these (indicating his

fabrics). These are some of the finest fabrics this side of (local reference). Ugli (to Tapioca and Semolina) I wouldn’t get anything from him. Semolina Why not? Ugli He’s very materialistic! Semolina (ignoring Ugli) We’d like some shot silk, wouldn’t we, Tapioca? Tapioca We would, Semolina. Rough (looking through his fabrics and eventually selecting one) There we are. Semolina That’s not shot silk. Rough (pulling out a gun and shooting the fabric) It is now! Tapioca How much is it? Rough It’s ten pence a hole! Tapioca That’s expensive! Rough It's the wholesale price! Semolina What will you take off for cash? Rough Everything except my socks! Tapioca Ooh, really... The Four Tie Thieves enter on (hobby) horses whooping and hollering. They stop in the middle of the stage and dismount. There is general reaction from everyone Jack Out of our way, peasants! Semolina Ooh, look ,Tapioca. Men! Tapioca Ooh, yes ,Semolina. Who are you? They offload their horses to various citizens Jack Perhaps we ought to introduce ourselves. Semolina Yes, please! Dickie (effeminately) We’re the Four Tie Thieves. Rough (moving downstage as he speaks) But there are only four of you, not forty. Dickie I said four tie thieves, not for-ty thieves (giving Ralph a girly swipe with his tie). Rough (mimicking Dickie and extending one hand out limp-wristedly) Ooh, sorry, I’m sure! Dickie (grabbing his hand and shaking it as in an introduction) I’m Dickie. Rough (removing his hand quickly and moving back to his stall) I bet you are! Dickie (calling after him and giving him a little wave) Dickie Bow! Semolina (to Polly Esther) And what is your name, you attractive little thing, you? She goes to give her cheek a pinch but succeeds only in pulling off her false beard Polly (grabbing her beard and replacing it as quickly as she can whilst speaking in an obviously false deep

voice) Polly Esther! Semolina My, you’re a strange one!

Polly If you want strange, you want him! (Indicating Reggie Mental) Tapioca (intercepting Semolina as she steps forward) So, you’re strange, are you? Reggie No, I’m not! I’m mental! Tapioca (she makes to go) Oh dear! Reggie Reggie Mental! (He grabs Tapioca before she moves away) Tapioca (beginning to struggle) Oh dear, oh dear! Reggie And I’m wearing my tartan vest just for you. Know why? Tapioca No why? Reggie It’s to keep my stomach in check! Jack Let her go, Reggie! Reggie (letting go of her) Sorry, Jack. Ugli (quickly moving to Jack before the other two women) So, you’re Jack? Jack That’s right. Jack the Kipper! Tapioca (aside to Semolina) There’s something fishy about him! Jack (to Ugli) And you are? Semolina She’s ugly! (ugly) Jack Well, I don’t think she’s that bad look…. Ugli (interrupting) It’s pronounced Ugli (yoo-glee) actually! Semolina I must say that you all look very attractive in your beards. Polly Ah well, the reason why we all wear beards is very simple. You cannot hang a man in this country

with a beard. Tapioca Is that so? Reggie That’s right. You’ve got to use a rope! Maid Earlier enters on a hobby horse during the previous few lines and dismounts Earlier (to Duane Pipe who should be close by) Oi, you! Duane Who, me? Earlier I’m looking for a sailor with one arm. Duane That’s not me then, I’m a wholesaler! (whole sailor) Earlier Oh, … never mind! Just take that! (Handing him her horse and then spotting the thieves)

Attention, men! Dickie (on seeing Maid Earlier) Attention, men! The Thieves immediately stand to attention Ugli What’s going on? Dickie It’s One-Eyed Maid Earlier! Ugli Where’s the one you made later then? (She laughs hysterically) Maid Earlier gestures to the thieves a secret signal and the thieves repeat the signal back (Aside to Semolina and Tapioca) I don’t know what they’re up to but I don’t like… Earlier (interrupting, her remarks aimed at the thieves) Right, you lot. Gather close round me! The Thieves gather round in a tight circle squashing Maid Earlier in the middle (Heard but not seen) Not that close! The Thieves move away slightly and end up in a semicircle either side of Maid Earlier facing the audience Didn’t you see my signal? (She repeats the secret signal) Thieves Yes! (Repeating the secret signal as they answer) Earlier And don’t you know what it means? Thieves (looking blankly to each other) Er… no! Earlier (exasperated) It’s the signal for our song!

Thieves Oh! Right! (after a pause) What song? Earlier This song!

SONG 2: Waterloo (Maid Earlier & the Four-Tie Thieves)

Thieves My, my, in Old Baghdad Maid Earlier got together Four Thieves! The like of which you’ve never seen or’d want to see again. We’re hairy and scary and bad, we’re also quite stupid and mad. Four-Tie Thieves, that’s what we’re called if you hadn’t guessed, Four-Tie Thieves, we’re so much better than all the rest. Four-Tie Thieves, there’s no escape once we captured you, Four-Tie Thieves, you have to do what we tell you to, Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa Four-Tie Thieves, we’re so disturbing it isn’t true. My, my, we wear our ties to make us feel stronger, oh yeah! And don’t you think it does the trick, just look at Dick-ie Bow, He fills all his foes with dismay, it’s just such a pity he’s gay! Four-Tie Thieves, that’s what we’re called if you hadn’t guessed. Four-Tie Thieves, we’re so much better than all the rest. Four-Tie Thieves, there’s no escape once we captured you, Four-Tie Thieves, you have to do what we tell you to. Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa Four Tie Thieves, we’re so disturbing it isn’t true .

Earlier (checking they are not being overlooked or overheard by the rest of those in stage) Right guys,

what have you got for me? Reggie I’ve got a clock! Earlier Well, where is it? Reggie I swallowed it! Earlier You swallowed it. And when did you do that? Reggie First thing this morning. Earlier So why didn’t you come and see me first thing this morn- ing? Reggie I didn’t want to alarm you! Earlier (to Dickie) What about you, Dickie? Dickie Well, for a change I thought I’d try and steal money from one of those cash tills. Earlier Why? Dickie I thought the change would do me good! Earlier (exasperated, she turns to Polly) For goodness sake! Polly, have you got anything? Polly Not today, Boss. You see I’ve been feeling a little dickey. Dickie (with a look of surprise) Have you? Polly Yes! I’m afraid I have been feeling sick ever since I got up. Dickie Oh, that sort of dickey! Earlier (glaring at Dickie) Perhaps it’s something you’ve eaten. Polly It must have been that neurotic octopus I ate last night. Dickie Neurotic octopus? Polly Yes. it was a just crazy mixed up squid! Earlier I don’t believe you lot! Jack, I hope you haven’t let me down? Jack (pulling out a bottle) Certainly not. I have here in this bottle a very special drink. Earlier What is it? Jack It’s a special drink called the drink of truth. Earlier The drink of truth?

Jack Yes! One drink from this bottle and you can’t help but tell the truth. Earlier What’s in it? Jack Well, it’s a cross between a muscadet and a hock. Earlier (she takes a swig) Yuk! That’s muck! Jack Ain’t that the truth! Earlier Enough of this rubbish! Now look… Thieves Where? (Looking round in different directions) Earlier (ignoring them) I want you lot to go back to the secret hideaway, grab all the secret stuff we have

secreted away, and take it to the secret cave in the Forest of Foreboding. Dickie And what are you going to do? Earlier I’m going to stay here for the present. Reggie Well, if there’s going to be presents can we all stay? Earlier (sharply) Go! The Thieves grab and remount their horses and exit with whoops and hollers. Mustapha Tinkle moves downstage to Maid Earlier Mustapha Alms for a blind tailor. Alms for a blind tailor. Duane (to Earlier) Ignore him. He’s not weally blind. Mustapha Ah, but I used to be blind. Duane When? Mustapha When I was a carpenter. Earlier What happened? Mustapha I just picked up a hammer and saw! Earlier (grabbing him by the collar) Do you know what I do to people like you? Mustapha I’d let go of me if I were you. Earlier Why? Mustapha I’ve got bubonic plague. Earlier (releasing him quickly) Don’t give me that. Mustapha Well perhaps I could give you this instead. (He hands Maid Earlier a boxed board game) Earlier Oh… (unsure of what to do or say) …thanks. Mustapha (suddenly realizing he has made a mistake) Oh no! I’ve given the game away! Duane (ignoring Mustapha’s last remark) Are you feeling a little hoarse? Mustapha No, I don’t think so. Duane Good, in that case, take that! (Handing over the hobby horse) Mustapha Thank you-ooooooh…. The horse suddenly ‘gallops’ across the stage with Mustapha in tow. They career offstage following which there is the sound of an almighty crash Mustapha (offstage) Don’t worry. I’m alright! Duane We weren’t worried! Rum Baba enters from the house Rum What is all this din? Duane Mustapha Tinkle! Rum No thanks, I’ve just had one! Duane Right, well… (changing the subject) …can I interest you in a little pet? Rum Well it’s a bit early in the morning for me…! Duane Now then, this cat… (he pulls a toy cat out of the box and places it on the stage) Rum Oh…, that sort of pet! Duane This cat is one of the most intelligent cats in the world. Rum (intrigued) What does it do? Duane Watch me pwetend to shoot it…

Duane raises his hand and points two fingers at the cat and loudly shouts “Bang!”. The cat naturally doesn’t move Rum (after a pause) But the cat didn’t do anything. He’s still just sat there. Duane That’s what I mean about him being intelligent. He knew he wasn’t weally dead! Rum What sort of cat is he? Duane He’s a very inquisitive cat from China. Rum China, eh? Duane Yes, he’s a Peking Tom! Rum (shaking her head in disbelief before continuing) What else have you got in there? Duane Well, as it happens I do have some very clever talking hamsters. Rum (looking into the box) What’s clever about them? Duane Well they’re very good at maths. Rum I don’t believe you! Duane Okay, twy them. Rum All wight, I will! (She peers into the box) What is two minus two? After a brief pause Duane proceeds to congratulate them profusely Rum Here, what are you doing? Duane I’m telling them how clever they are! Rum But they said nothing. Duane And nothing is the cowwect answer! Rum Alright, alright, that’s enough! I’ll take them. Duane What, all twelve of them? Rum If you let them go cheap I will. Duane But they don’t go cheap, they go squeak! (He laughs at his own joke) Rum You’ll go squeak if you carry on with this nonsense! (Duane stops laughing) How much? Duane For you… fifty pounds. Rum How much? Duane (hastily reconsidering) But as I’m feeling genewous let’s say forty. Rum Twenty. Duane Thirty. Rum Done! Duane (aside) You certainly have been! Rum (handing over the money) One, two, three…, how many hamsters have you got? Duane Twelve. Rum (continuing handing over the money) …thirteen, fourteen…, and how old are you? Duane Me? I’m twenty eight! Rum Twenty eight? Duane (confidentially) Well, actually I’m twenty nine. Rum (handing over one last coin) Thirty! I hope these hamsters are up to scratch. Duane Oh, I’m sure they’re up to scwatch! Duane hands the box with the hamsters over to Rum Baba who then proceeds to take one of the hamsters out of the box and uses it to scratch an itch on her body Rum It’s a puppet! (Holding out the hamster for the audience to see) Duane (disapprovingly) Tch! I’m off… (He exits) Rum (sniffing the air calling off after him) Oh it’s you, is it? I thought it was me that was off! In fact I

think it is me who’s off. Perhaps I’d better check. Rum Baba exits into her house as Tetley and Typhoo enter dressed as thieves Typhoo Right everybody, move! Tetley (correcting him) Nobody move!

Typhoo This is a glue up! Tetley (correcting him again) Stick up! Typhoo Oh, it’s a right mess up! Typhoo accidentally fires his pistol which causes the citizens and sellers etc to run offstage in all directions Tetley (after the Chorus has exited) You can say that again! Typhoo (calling offstage to everyone) Sorry, everyone. My mistake! Please, come back! The Citizens and Sellers, led by Maid Earlier, file back on somewhat warily Earlier Just exactly who are you? Typhoo We’re Tetley and Typhoo. Tetley I’m Tetley. Typhoo And I’m not! Tetley (ignoring Typhoo’s stupidity) And we are the Appren - tea - sees! (Apprentices) Earlier And what exactly do you Apprentices do? Typhoo This!

Song 2a

Ali Baba & The Forty Thieves

Plot Summary This hilarious new version of the Arabian Nights tale is a traditional family pantomime full of slapstick, silly jokes and songs by Abba with specially rewritten lyrics. Set in Old Baghdad, the plot has Ali Baba, a poor wood cutter, and his son Abba stumble across the cave of One-eyed Maid Earlier and her motley crew of Thieves in the Forest of Foreboding. Ali’s brother Cassim finds out about Ali’s secret and is discovered by the Thieves in their cave. When Cassim escapes from the cave the Thieves go in search of him to kill him and his family once and for all. It is left to Morgiana, Ali’s servant girl, to save the day.

ISBN 978-1-907307-21-8