Assertive CommunicationAssertive Communication

Westminster College Counseling ServicesWestminster College Counseling Services

Babs Quincy, CounselorBabs Quincy, Counselor

X7340X7340

quincybi@westminster.eduquincybi@westminster.edu

Do you have trouble saying no, even when you Do you have trouble saying no, even when you really should?really should?

Do you feel like people walk all over you?Do you feel like people walk all over you? Do you have trouble expressing your thoughts Do you have trouble expressing your thoughts

and feelings?and feelings? Do you want to learn better how to stand up Do you want to learn better how to stand up

for yourself and take charge?for yourself and take charge? Do you have trouble keeping your temper Do you have trouble keeping your temper

under control? under control? If you answered yes to any of the above If you answered yes to any of the above

questions, you might find it really helpful to questions, you might find it really helpful to learn about assertive communication.learn about assertive communication.

What is Assertiveness?What is Assertiveness?

It’s the ability to honestly It’s the ability to honestly express your opinions, express your opinions, feelings, attitudes, and feelings, attitudes, and rights -- rights -- without undue without undue anxiety --anxiety -- in a way that in a way that doesn’t infringe on the doesn’t infringe on the rights of others.rights of others.

It’s not aggressiveness, it’s It’s not aggressiveness, it’s a middle ground between a middle ground between being a bully and a doormat.being a bully and a doormat.

Why is Assertiveness Important?Why is Assertiveness Important? If you don’t know how If you don’t know how

to be assertive, you to be assertive, you might experience the might experience the following:following:

DepressionDepression. This comes . This comes from anger turned from anger turned inward. It can give you inward. It can give you a sense of being a sense of being helpless, hopeless, with helpless, hopeless, with no control over your no control over your life.life.

ResentmentResentment. Anger at . Anger at others for manipulating or others for manipulating or taking advantage of me.taking advantage of me.

FrustrationFrustration. How could I . How could I be such a wimp? Why did be such a wimp? Why did I let someone victimize I let someone victimize me?me?

Temper/ViolenceTemper/Violence. If you . If you can’t express anger can’t express anger appropriately, it builds up appropriately, it builds up until it blows.until it blows.

Anxiety. Which leads to avoidance. If you begin to Anxiety. Which leads to avoidance. If you begin to avoid situations or people that you know will make avoid situations or people that you know will make you uncomfortable, you may miss out on fun you uncomfortable, you may miss out on fun activities, job opportunities, relationships, and lots of activities, job opportunities, relationships, and lots of other good stuff.other good stuff.

Poor relationships of all kindsPoor relationships of all kinds. . Non-assertive people are often Non-assertive people are often unable to express emotions, unable to express emotions, positive or negative. It’s positive or negative. It’s murder in a relationship when murder in a relationship when the partners can’t tell each other the partners can’t tell each other what they want and need and what they want and need and how the other person affects how the other person affects them. The same is true for them. The same is true for friendships and work friendships and work relationships.relationships.

Physical complaintsPhysical complaints. . Headaches, ulcers, high Headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure. We all blood pressure. We all know what stress does know what stress does to our bodies. to our bodies.

Assertiveness, when it Assertiveness, when it becomes a habit, is a becomes a habit, is a great stress relievergreat stress reliever

How to be Effectively AssertiveHow to be Effectively Assertive

Use “I” statements. Use “I” statements. ExampleExample: “I’d” like to be able to : “I’d” like to be able to tell my stories without interruption.” instead of tell my stories without interruption.” instead of “You’re always interrupting my stories!”“You’re always interrupting my stories!”

Use facts, not judgments. Use facts, not judgments. ExampleExample: “Your : “Your punctuation needs work and your formatting is punctuation needs work and your formatting is inconsistent.” instead of “This is sloppy work.” or inconsistent.” instead of “This is sloppy work.” or “Did you know that shirt has some spots?” instead of “Did you know that shirt has some spots?” instead of “You’re not going out looking like THAT, are you?”“You’re not going out looking like THAT, are you?”

Express ownership of your thoughts, feeling, Express ownership of your thoughts, feeling, and opinions. and opinions. ExampleExample: “I get angry when he : “I get angry when he breaks his promises.” instead of “He makes me breaks his promises.” instead of “He makes me angry.” or “ I believe the best policy is to…” angry.” or “ I believe the best policy is to…” instead of “The only sensible thing is to…”instead of “The only sensible thing is to…”

Make clear, direct, requests. Don’t invite the Make clear, direct, requests. Don’t invite the person to say no. Example: “Will you person to say no. Example: “Will you please…? Instead of “Would you mind…?” or please…? Instead of “Would you mind…?” or “Why don’t you…?”“Why don’t you…?”

Special Techniques for Difficult Special Techniques for Difficult SituationsSituations Broken recordBroken record. Keep repeating your point, using a . Keep repeating your point, using a

low-level, pleasant voice. Don’t get pulled into low-level, pleasant voice. Don’t get pulled into arguing or trying to explain yourself.arguing or trying to explain yourself.

FoggingFogging. This is a way to deflect negative criticism. . This is a way to deflect negative criticism. You agree with some of the fact, but you retain the You agree with some of the fact, but you retain the right to choose your behavior. Example: You: right to choose your behavior. Example: You: “Mom, you should wear a longer skirt. It’s the style “Mom, you should wear a longer skirt. It’s the style now.” Mom: “You’re right, skirts are longer now.” now.” Mom: “You’re right, skirts are longer now.” Mom agrees with you but, she still reserves the right Mom agrees with you but, she still reserves the right to not change her skirt length and wears it the way to not change her skirt length and wears it the way she wants.she wants.

Content to Process ShiftContent to Process Shift. When someone is trying to . When someone is trying to confuse the issue. Stop talking about the problem and confuse the issue. Stop talking about the problem and bring up how the person is behaving right now. bring up how the person is behaving right now. ExampleExample: “You’re getting off the point. I’m starting : “You’re getting off the point. I’m starting to feel frustrated because I feel like you’re not to feel frustrated because I feel like you’re not listening.listening.

DefusingDefusing. Letting someone cool down before . Letting someone cool down before discussing an issue. discussing an issue. ExampleExample: “I can see that you’re : “I can see that you’re upset. Let’s talk about this later.” Also, if they try to upset. Let’s talk about this later.” Also, if they try to stay with it, you have the right to walk away.stay with it, you have the right to walk away.

SummarizationSummarization. This helps to make sure . This helps to make sure you’re understanding the other person. you’re understanding the other person. ExampleExample: “So what you’re trying to tell me is : “So what you’re trying to tell me is …”…”

SpecificitySpecificity. It’s really important to be very . It’s really important to be very clear about what you want done. This helps clear about what you want done. This helps prevent distractions. prevent distractions. ExampleExample: “The thing I : “The thing I really wish is that you’d pick your clothes up really wish is that you’d pick your clothes up off the floor.”off the floor.”

Some Final PointsSome Final Points

A common problem in communications is caused by A common problem in communications is caused by trying to read people’s minds or expecting them to trying to read people’s minds or expecting them to read ours.read ours.

If we want people to respond to our ideas and needs, If we want people to respond to our ideas and needs, we have to be able to express them in a way that will we have to be able to express them in a way that will make them want to respond nicely.make them want to respond nicely.

If it’s really scary to think about being assertive, try it If it’s really scary to think about being assertive, try it first with people you don’t know. first with people you don’t know.

Think of someone you know who is assertive and Think of someone you know who is assertive and pretend you are that person.pretend you are that person.

Once you become comfortable with assertive Once you become comfortable with assertive behaviors in less threatening situations, you behaviors in less threatening situations, you can crank it up a notch and use it all the time.can crank it up a notch and use it all the time.

When assertiveness becomes a habit, you will When assertiveness becomes a habit, you will wonder how you ever got along before you wonder how you ever got along before you started using it.started using it.

The nicest thing about all of this is that after The nicest thing about all of this is that after you’ve become truly assertive, you probably you’ve become truly assertive, you probably won’t need to use these techniques very much. won’t need to use these techniques very much.

As people practice assertive communication, As people practice assertive communication, you can almost see that little spark of self-you can almost see that little spark of self-respect glimmer, flicker, take hold, and burst respect glimmer, flicker, take hold, and burst into flame.into flame.

People can sense it when you respect yourself, People can sense it when you respect yourself, and they will treat you with respect. And that and they will treat you with respect. And that is the ultimate goal of assertive is the ultimate goal of assertive communication.communication.

Source:Source:

Ralph Robinson, MSW, LCSWRalph Robinson, MSW, LCSW

Delaware State University Counseling ServicesDelaware State University Counseling Services

Phone: (302) 857-7381 Fax: (302) 857-7382Phone: (302) 857-7381 Fax: (302) 857-7382