Basic Grief TheoryBasic Grief Theory

David A. OpalewskiDavid A. Opalewski

Grief Recovery Inc.Grief Recovery Inc.

www.griefrecovery.ws

griefrecoveryinc@gmail.comgriefrecoveryinc@gmail.com

GriefGrief

Think back to a time in your life when you Think back to a time in your life when you were a small child and were lost. You were a small child and were lost. You didn’t know where you were and how you didn’t know where you were and how you could possibly find your way. could possibly find your way.

Lets list some feelings: Lets list some feelings:

When death impacts a When death impacts a family, everyone has a high family, everyone has a high

need to feel understood, yet a need to feel understood, yet a natural incapacity to be natural incapacity to be

understanding !understanding !

Ordinary PeopleOrdinary People

GriefGrief

An issue central in the life of every human An issue central in the life of every human beingbeing

I come not as an expert, but as a I come not as an expert, but as a companion. I have lived with grief and companion. I have lived with grief and loss.loss.

Grief MythsGrief Myths

DiseaseDisease DysfunctionalDysfunctional Result of human weaknessResult of human weakness Due to lack of spiritualityDue to lack of spirituality

Specific MythsSpecific Myths

The pain of loss will go away faster if you The pain of loss will go away faster if you ignore itignore it

It is important to “be strong” in the face of It is important to “be strong” in the face of lossloss

If you don’t cry you are not sorry for the If you don’t cry you are not sorry for the loss – not the only response to sorrowloss – not the only response to sorrow

Specific Myths 2Specific Myths 2

Moving on with your life means you are Moving on with your life means you are forgetting the loved on you lostforgetting the loved on you lost

Friends can help the mourner by not Friends can help the mourner by not bringing up the subject of his or her lossbringing up the subject of his or her loss

A good way to express sympathy is to say A good way to express sympathy is to say ““I know how you feel”I know how you feel”

Core ThoughtsCore Thoughts

Unique journeyUnique journey Loss of someone profoundly cherishedLoss of someone profoundly cherished Intense emotional painIntense emotional pain Result of having loved someone you have Result of having loved someone you have

lostlost

Core ThoughtsCore Thoughts

Grief is a foreign emotionGrief is a foreign emotion If grief doesn’t get addressed it goes If grief doesn’t get addressed it goes

undergroundunderground Grief is not a mental illness; it is a normal Grief is not a mental illness; it is a normal

response to lossresponse to loss It is not about taking away pain; it is about It is not about taking away pain; it is about

letting the grieving person feel his/her pain.letting the grieving person feel his/her pain.

Grief is a Mystery TripGrief is a Mystery Trip

It is never a clear journey with warning It is never a clear journey with warning signs, etc. signs, etc.

This makes it also a This makes it also a very scary journey.very scary journey. A person’s coping skills will be challenged A person’s coping skills will be challenged

as they never have beforeas they never have before We have no formula to help in every We have no formula to help in every

situationsituation

The 4 D’s in Dealing with GriefThe 4 D’s in Dealing with Grief

DenialDenial DrugsDrugs DiversionsDiversions DistractionsDistractions This keeps people from going to the scary This keeps people from going to the scary

places of griefplaces of grief

Personal factors Affecting GriefPersonal factors Affecting Grief Gender – males and females have been Gender – males and females have been

taught different ways to handle stress and taught different ways to handle stress and emotionsemotions

Age and life experiences – Can affect your Age and life experiences – Can affect your understanding of deathunderstanding of death

Culture and faith – Influence beliefs and Culture and faith – Influence beliefs and responses for honoring deceasedresponses for honoring deceased

Personality Traits – shy, outgoing, Personality Traits – shy, outgoing, expressive, thoughtful, etc.expressive, thoughtful, etc.

Ways to Help Cont.Ways to Help Cont.

Be consistent – not too lax or rigid – have Be consistent – not too lax or rigid – have same boundaries, rules, consequencessame boundaries, rules, consequences

Give the child/adolescent the right not to Give the child/adolescent the right not to share if he/she doesn’t want to – we all share if he/she doesn’t want to – we all move at different speeds through the grief move at different speeds through the grief cycle.cycle.

Grieving Children and Grieving Children and Adolescent Risk FactorsAdolescent Risk Factors

Depression lasting into adulthoodDepression lasting into adulthood Anxiety disorders – affects heart rate, Anxiety disorders – affects heart rate,

immune system, flight or fight response(gas immune system, flight or fight response(gas pedal and brake on at the same time)pedal and brake on at the same time)

Increase illness and accidents Increase illness and accidents – Self accident is not being in the same reality as Self accident is not being in the same reality as

anyone else; not necessarily self destructive anyone else; not necessarily self destructive behaviorbehavior

Risk Factors Cont.Risk Factors Cont.

Significantly poor school performance – Significantly poor school performance – hard to focushard to focus

Post tragedy high performance – trying to Post tragedy high performance – trying to make surviving parent(s) feel bettermake surviving parent(s) feel better

Significant lower levels of self esteemSignificant lower levels of self esteem Higher feeling of loss of control - I am a Higher feeling of loss of control - I am a

victim”victim”

Risk Factors Cont.Risk Factors Cont.

Regressive behavior – return to bed wetting, Regressive behavior – return to bed wetting, acting out behaviorsacting out behaviors

Cocooning syndrome – it is hard to be Cocooning syndrome – it is hard to be around people who need you to feel better around people who need you to feel better when you don’twhen you don’t

Ways to HelpWays to Help

Be HonestBe Honest – children know when you are not – children know when you are not being honest with them. I being honest with them. I NEVERNEVER had a had a child/adolescent say to me child/adolescent say to me “I am glad I was lied “I am glad I was lied to.” (story of small boy whose father died of to.” (story of small boy whose father died of suicide)suicide)

Allow and encourage creative ways to Allow and encourage creative ways to remember the deceased personremember the deceased person

Ways to Help Cont.Ways to Help Cont.

Companion with them – Companion with them – “What was Dad “What was Dad like?” “What are some good memories?”like?” “What are some good memories?”

Mirror what they tell you in Mirror what they tell you in theirtheir words; get words; get to their level.to their level.– Little boy – see the plane daddyLittle boy – see the plane daddy– Dad – yes I see the planeDad – yes I see the plane

– Boy – it’s a big planeBoy – it’s a big plane

– Dad – yes, it is a big planeDad – yes, it is a big plane

Ways to Help Cont.Ways to Help Cont.

Don’t think about what you are supposed to Don’t think about what you are supposed to say. Help the child open upsay. Help the child open up

Stay away from “why” statements – seen as Stay away from “why” statements – seen as interrogatinginterrogating

Don’t ask ‘yes” or “no” questions; instead Don’t ask ‘yes” or “no” questions; instead use the following:use the following:– What is it like coming back to schoolWhat is it like coming back to school

– How are your friends acting differently than before the death?How are your friends acting differently than before the death?

– How did this (incident with a friend) make you feel?How did this (incident with a friend) make you feel?

Discussion StatementsDiscussion Statements

Encouraging or Discouraging & Why?Encouraging or Discouraging & Why?– ““She wouldn’t want you to be sad”She wouldn’t want you to be sad”

– ““This will make you stronger”This will make you stronger”

– ““I know how you feel”I know how you feel”

– ““He is in a better place”He is in a better place”

– ““Every cloud has a silver lining”Every cloud has a silver lining”

– ““It is God’s will”It is God’s will”

– ““God needed your Daddy”God needed your Daddy”

– ““At this time you should be feeling…”At this time you should be feeling…”

– ““At least she died loving what she was doing”At least she died loving what she was doing”

– ““At least you knew it was coming”At least you knew it was coming”

– ““You should be happy, she is in Heaven”You should be happy, she is in Heaven”

What NOT to SayWhat NOT to Say

““She wouldn’t want us to be sad”She wouldn’t want us to be sad” ““This will make you stronger”This will make you stronger” ““He is in a better place”He is in a better place” ““Every cloud has a silver lining”Every cloud has a silver lining” ““It is God’s will”It is God’s will” ““God needed you dad”God needed you dad” ““I know how you feel”I know how you feel”

Words That HelpWords That Help

To a widow or widowerTo a widow or widower– Tell me my wife loved meTell me my wife loved me– Tell me I made her happyTell me I made her happy– Tell me she knew I loved her and knew she Tell me she knew I loved her and knew she

made me happymade me happy– Repeat it as often as you can!!Repeat it as often as you can!!

Things to sayThings to say

““I want you to know that I care”I want you to know that I care” ““You are on my heart”You are on my heart” ““You are right; this is awful”You are right; this is awful”

There really is nothing we can say to make There really is nothing we can say to make things betterthings better

We Must Hurt to HealWe Must Hurt to Heal

When we run away, our grief remains When we run away, our grief remains unhealedunhealed

Time will never heal grief. Time will never heal grief. What we do with time will lead to healingWhat we do with time will lead to healing We need to work it throughWe need to work it through We can’t get over it, but we must go We can’t get over it, but we must go

through itthrough it

General Needs of BereavedGeneral Needs of Bereaved

Understanding and comfort in dealing with Understanding and comfort in dealing with their losstheir loss

Those whose loss was sudden will vary Those whose loss was sudden will vary with those who have lost someone to with those who have lost someone to prolonged illnessprolonged illness

Those who lost someone due to prolonged Those who lost someone due to prolonged illness greatest time of need is while the illness greatest time of need is while the person is dyingperson is dying

General Needs 2General Needs 2 The grief period of sudden death is usually The grief period of sudden death is usually

much longer. The real impact of grief may much longer. The real impact of grief may surface months after the event. By then there surface months after the event. By then there is a danger that friends have stopped visiting is a danger that friends have stopped visiting or have grown too impatient to listenor have grown too impatient to listen

Both excessive grief and lack of grief are Both excessive grief and lack of grief are abnormalabnormal

The The averageaverage grief cycle is 24 months grief cycle is 24 months

At the Loss of a Loved OneAt the Loss of a Loved One

What people needWhat people need Don’t NeedDon’t Need Permission to grievePermission to grieve SermonizingSermonizing HopeHope Bible quoted to themBible quoted to them Comfort/supportComfort/support Told what to feelTold what to feel Understanding grief cycleUnderstanding grief cycle indifferenceindifference

StatementStatement

““Grief is not a problem to be cured. It is a Grief is not a problem to be cured. It is a simple statement that you loved somebody”simple statement that you loved somebody”

Loss = Pain = SurvivalLoss = Pain = Survival

Managing the LossManaging the Loss Promote the grief workPromote the grief work Surround yourself with family and friendsSurround yourself with family and friends Avoid medication such as sedativesAvoid medication such as sedatives Refrain from making hasty decisionsRefrain from making hasty decisions Recall the unforgettable memoriesRecall the unforgettable memories Consult with professionals if grief becomes Consult with professionals if grief becomes

too intensetoo intense Share your feelings with othersShare your feelings with others Establish goals for yourselfEstablish goals for yourself Maintain hopeMaintain hope

Counseling FormatCounseling Format Sudden Death of Friend by AccidentSudden Death of Friend by Accident

Additional LossesAdditional Losses EmotionsEmotions Negative FeelingsNegative Feelings

CompanionshipCompanionship loneliness, angerloneliness, anger “no one understands me”“no one understands me”

ConfidantConfidant anxiety, non-trustinganxiety, non-trusting “I can’t trust anyone” “I can’t trust anyone”

EncouragerEncourager hopeless hopeless “helpless/worthless” “helpless/worthless”

World as a safe placeWorld as a safe place fear, anger, anxietyfear, anger, anxiety “ I can die anytime” “ I can die anytime”

““Get Over It”Get Over It”

Extremely insensitiveExtremely insensitive Means there will come a time when you Means there will come a time when you

can’t care anymorecan’t care anymore I hope this time never comes for me.I hope this time never comes for me.

You Can’t Get Over ItYou Can’t Get Over It

But you can live through itBut you can live through it You can survive to a new life, a new You can survive to a new life, a new

identity to who you areidentity to who you are

AnswersAnswers

Grieving people don’t look for answers, Grieving people don’t look for answers, they look for directionthey look for direction– They are hoping we will ask what They are hoping we will ask what theythey think think– I answer very few questionsI answer very few questions– We have to listen, listen, listen.We have to listen, listen, listen.

A Mystery TripA Mystery Trip

Grief is a mystery trip for all people.Grief is a mystery trip for all people. It will take us to scary placesIt will take us to scary places It should never be traveled aloneIt should never be traveled alone

RoseRose

The first day of school our professor The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn’t already know. to know someone we didn’t already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled little old lady beaming up to find a wrinkled little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.being.

RoseRose

She said, “Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I’m She said, “Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I’m 87 years old. Can I give you a hug?” I laughed 87 years old. Can I give you a hug?” I laughed and enthusiastically responded, “of course you and enthusiastically responded, “of course you may!” And she gave me a giant squeeze.may!” And she gave me a giant squeeze.

Why are you in college at such an innoncent Why are you in college at such an innoncent young age? I asked. She jokingly replied “I’m young age? I asked. She jokingly replied “I’m here to meet a rich husband, get married, have a here to meet a rich husband, get married, have a couple of kids, retire, and travel.”couple of kids, retire, and travel.”

RoseRose

No seriously, I asked, I was curious what may No seriously, I asked, I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age. “I always dreamed of having a college at her age. “I always dreamed of having a college education and now I’m getting one” she told me. education and now I’m getting one” she told me. After class we walked to the student union and After class we walked to the student union and shared a milkshake. We became instant friends. shared a milkshake. We became instant friends. Everyday for the next three months we would Everyday for the next three months we would leave class together and talk non-stop. I was leave class together and talk non-stop. I was always mesmerized listening to this “time always mesmerized listening to this “time machine” as she shared her wisdom and machine” as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.experience with me.

RoseRose

Over the course of the year, Rose became a Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and easily made friends campus icon and easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was upon her from the other students. She was living it up.living it up.

RoseRose

At the end of the semester we invited Rose At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet and I’ll to speak at our football banquet and I’ll never forget what she taught us. She was never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her 3 by 5 cards on the speech, she dropped her 3 by 5 cards on the floor.floor.

RoseRose

Frustrated and a little embarrassed she Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said leaned into the microphone and simply said “I’m sorry I’m so jittery. I gave up beer for “I’m sorry I’m so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me. I’ll Lent and this whiskey is killing me. I’ll never get my speech back in order so let me never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know.”just tell you what I know.”

As we laughed she cleared her throat and As we laughed she cleared her throat and began:began:

RoseRose

““We do not stop playing because we are old; we We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy and four secrets to staying young, being happy and achieving success.”achieving success.”

““You have to laugh and find humor everyday”You have to laugh and find humor everyday” ““You’ve got to have a dream. When you lose You’ve got to have a dream. When you lose

your dreams, you die We have so many people your dreams, you die We have so many people walking around who are dead and don’t even walking around who are dead and don’t even know it.”know it.”

RoseRose

““There is a huge difference between There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are growing older and growing up. If you are 19 years old and lie in bed for one full year 19 years old and lie in bed for one full year and don’t do one productive thing, you will and don’t do one productive thing, you will turn 20 years old. If I am 87 years old and turn 20 years old. If I am 87 years old and stay in bed for a year and never do stay in bed for a year and never do anything, I will turn 88. Anybody can grow anything, I will turn 88. Anybody can grow older. That doesn’t take any talent or older. That doesn’t take any talent or ability.”ability.”

RoseRose

““The idea is to grow up by always finding The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets. opportunity in change. Have no regrets. The elderly usually don’t have regrets for The elderly usually don’t have regrets for what they did, but rather for the things they what they did, but rather for the things they did not do. The only people who fear death did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.”are those with regrets.”

RoseRose

She concluded her speech by courageously She concluded her speech by courageously singing “The Rose.” She challenged each singing “The Rose.” She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.our daily lives.

RoseRose

At the years end Rose finished the college At the years end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.peacefully in her sleep.

Over two thousand college students Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example wonderful woman who taught by example that it’s never too late to be all you can that it’s never too late to be all you can possibly be.possibly be.