Bringing the dead to life.

Telling stories, constructing legacies and re-membering in

grief counsellingLorraine Hedtke MSW, LCSW, PhD

California State University San Bernardino

A Narrative PerspectiveWe live through stories

People are brought to life through stories

We are spoken into existence

A person’s stories do not die

How We Talk MattersOur talk can disconnect us from

those who have died

Or --

We can bring the dead to life again

Your Professional RoleTo be a story-teller

To be a listener to stories

To ensure the words of the dead to not die with them

To look after the stories of the dead

To bring a person back to life through story

Donna“I think I am going half-nuts”

Took care of her father Ernie for many years

Shared love of gardening

Talked about loosing her “best friend”

The Story of Grief Psychology

The relationship was over

She should get over her sadness

Grief is a journey

Move towards acceptance

Grieve properly

Grief is like an illness to get over

Let go

FreudDecathexis

Removing attachment is the goal of grieving

His assumptions created norms for grieving

Little possibility to grieve differently

The Effect of These Assumptions

Stories that connect us to the dead are squeezed out

Talking about the dead becomes suspect

Being “in denial”

Complicated grief

My AssumptionsModern grief psychology has

mistakenly:Separated the living from the

deadEncouraged people to move onSet tasks or stagesRequired letting goValued acceptance of lossCuts off emotional resources

• This produces more pain

Talking to the DeadIs very common

Is driven underground

Has to be kept secret

The effect of the dominant story on Donna

There must be something wrong with her

Not adjusting to reality

Not completing unfinished business

Unable to find closure

The Idea of Introduction

A relational practice

The dead cannot introduce themselves

We can speak on their behalf

A Narrative ApproachUse the power of introduction

Focus on the on-going life of stories

Fold stories into life

Make new meanings

Hold on to the best of relationships

Grief is about two people

Where Donna started“I thought it (our relationship) was

over. And that was it. It was over. And I had to move on with it being over and I didn’t want to. And I fought it and I went half way nuts. I would find myself driving where I didn’t know where I was going. I was not keeping my house done. It was insane.”

My Questions to DonnaIntroduce me to your father.

What did it mean to have him as your father?

How was he with others?

Tell me about a time of special connection.

What did you learn from him?

The Effect of this on Donna

She built a new story of her father

His memory inspired her

She had a sense of him walking with her through hardships

She restored memories

She found other places to talk about him

She developed rituals of connection

In Donna’s Words“… in the group we learned that it’s not over. It’s

changed, but it’s not over. Not that you are going to forget the loved ones, not that you’re going to discount them at all, but to step back into the world and share them because they are coming through you. You have to share them. Some of the silly nonsense that my dad did with his Christmas stocking - how he would put vegetables in our stockings to tease us. I start thinking about the fun things we did at Christmas. And the traditions that my mother did that we have carried on and that I will continue to carry on.”

 

Donna

Martha’s storyWhen the bereaved has no memory

of the dead

Martha’s father died when she was 13

He had been away for many years

She remembered little

No one spoke of him after he died

In the Bereavement GroupMartha was hesitant to speak

People might judge her father

He had been in prison for drugs

Her mother had divorced him

He was brutally murdered

Changing “I only had nine pictures. It was all I had

of the physical things I have of him. I started to feel like there was more to him that I wanted to know. So I thought, ‘I have an auntie who’s alive, his sister. I have an uncle who’s alive, his brother.’ There’s a whole new world out there. Like more to him.”

What Introduction Meant to Martha

Desire to connect with her father

Learn multiple stories

Grow new relationship with her father’s family

Meeting her father’s family

“So I actively went out, that was actually very hard too, cause I hadn’t spoke to them in so many years. Since my dad’s death, it was kind of hard, difficult for my uncle. OK, so where do we start from here. That’s our connection, my/our father. When we made that connection, it was a holiday. It was nice that it was a holiday there was food and people gathering to be thankful anyway. So it was a good opportunity. What I am so glad or happy about – I guess I had some anticipation about how they were going to receive us or how were going to feel – but once we were there, I felt comfortable. I felt the love that was there.”

Remembering him“I remember sharing with them [her father’s

family] that all these years, that I felt like I was the only one who remembered him, because I didn’t have nobody (sic) to talk to about him. I always had him in my heart, but I felt like I was the only one, because everybody moved on with their life and nobody thinks about him and nobody cares and nobody talked about him. Life goes on. And so when I met them, and I saw my Auntie again, we just automatically just bringing him up. It was kind of like reassuring for me. I thought, ‘People do remember him’. And he is remembered.”

The Effects for MarthaJoyful family reunion

Her father came alive for her

His voice lived with her

“I think bringing him back to life kind of allowed him, I guess, for his voice to be heard - its kind of odd how that happens when you are talking about a person and all of a sudden when you start sharing about them – its bringing their voice back, kind of.”

Might this be Disturbing?“I do think that I did cry more. Probably during

those six weeks, but it wasn’t like crying for depression. It was like crying for joy. I think in the beginning I did feel a sadness I think cause I missed him and I wish I could have him physically. Like I could touch him. At the same time, it was just tears that ‘I am so happy, Dad, to have you around. I am so happy that I don’t have to give you up. I am so happy that I don’t have to keep you in my box (with my pictures). I am so happy that I can just talk to you whenever I want. That I can pull you out whenever’. Those tears were good tears.”

Martha’s father Ricky

A Third Kind of Introduction

Introducing the dead to new people

Took place at a workshop

Interviewed Kirby

Audience of about 50 counselors listening

The Story of Kirby & BeahBeah died when she was 16 years old

Young woman who was full of life

Took a stand on issues

Stood up for others

Close connection to her brother

Kirby’s son and moon

Effect on the AudienceInvited into a sacred place

Deeply moved by Kirby’s introduction of Beah

Their own lives are transformed

Facilitating the Audience’s responses

I spoke about how meeting Beah impacted on me

Michael White referred to this as ‘transport’

Asked the audience how they were transported

How has your life been changed as a result?

I asked Kirby how he was impacted by the audience

The Audience’s words“I’ll be going home tonight to the

sun in my life, who is my 16-year-old son, and will be looking at the time I spend with him in a really different way thanks to you and Beah.”

Another woman’s response

“I want to thank Beah for showing me about girls who keep going on. I am really interested in how girls make it and how they have voices and make space for themselves. Every time I read in the paper about a girl dying suddenly, I feel like another light has gone off. Now I am seeing that is not the way it is—it doesn’t have to be that way. So now I feel safer.”

And still another’s response

“Thank you for sharing your daughter. I am also a counselor and just the way that she stood up for others who didn’t have a voice. I’m a coordinator of our Bully Prevention Program. It is so nice to see girls, like your daughter, who have voices, standing up to help those who don’t have voices. I’d like to share her story with students, if that’s OK with you?”

Kirby’s Response“Remembering . . . Appreciated . . .

Feels good to share. Feels great! I want to shout “Beah” from the rooftops. The last thing I want to do is move on. That doesn’t make sense to me.”

Beah – Kirby’s Sun!

Concluding CommentsWe can bring the dead to life

Introductions can be life changing

Lost stories can be reclaimed

The dead can be introduced to new people

No need to concentrate on loss

Instead hold stories close

Introduction retains relationship