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‘WE’VE TRIED CELL INMATES IN THE PAST’

Kerry Katona shocked the celebrity world this week by finally using her status to do some good in the world. In a bid to gain credibility and leave her drug-binge past behind her, she inhaled carcinogens by the million.

A statement released by ASH (Action on Smoking and Health) said: ‘This is an historic day for the UK as a whole in its bid to kick the habit. The fact that a celebrity with such an ability to repulse the nation has offered to associate herself with these cancer sticks is encouraging. We’ve tried to get cell inmates in the past but they were concerned that juvenile delinquents would want to emulate them as opposed to being put off.’

Health secretary Andrew Lansley is also backing the campaign and is encouraging more involvement from the celebrity world. In a recent interview on Sky News he said: ‘The captive audience these shaven apes command is not to be underestimated. All we have to do is get the likes of Paris Hilton to be seen with something undesirable like a blue WKD and anyone with an IQ higher than a five year old will instantly make negative associations with it. It’s elementary advertising theory really. We’re calling it ‘Backwards Advertising’.

Kerry Katona was exclusively interviewed by Celebrity Bash as she underwent the six-hour make-up/augmentation routine necessary to de-CHAV the fulltime media whore. When asked what drove her to be so courageous when she could have opted for the easy life, Kerry replied with characteristic articulation. ‘I dunno really ha!... I just asked my agent and he was like- ‘go for it babe’. We’ve tried everything else so we might as well try and help someone… so… yeah!’

Then we asked whether there’s love on the horizon… ‘Oooh, I love a bit of cream cake me… oh, men you mean? No, not really.It’s been quite quiet on that front. I’m lucky ifI get laid twice a weekend these days. I mean, I try everything to keep a man. Frompretending to like everything he does tothreatening his ex-girlfriends but they’re just never mature like me. I need a guy that cankeep up.’

Celebrity Bash then moved in for the gossip by asking if Kerry knew of any other celebs that are moving on to this style of backwards advertising. ‘Well, there’s that thing that Alex Ried is doing… he’s being paid by Adidas to model Nike sports clothing. Something about a level playing field he said.’

Since the interview, Celebrity Bash can reveal that the craze has caught on. Katie Price has been inundated with offers from cosmetic surgeries, fashion houses and make-up lines as they outbid each other in an effort to get their competition more exposure. We’ll expose more as and when we rapidly make upthe information!‘GO FOR IT BABE’

-KERRY’S HANDLER