Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.1 CHAPTER 7 BEGINNING, MAINTAINING AND ENDING RELATIONSHIPS Berko, R. M., Aitken, J. E.,

Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.

1

CHAPTER 7BEGINNING, MAINTAINING AND ENDING RELATIONSHIPS

Berko, R. M., Aitken, J. E., & Wolvin, A. D. (2010). ICOMM: Interpersonal concepts and competencies. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.

Elvis Presley - Can't help falling in love

Sand Art - Ilana Yahav - Let's Get Togetherhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2pLHLOnG6I&NR=1


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RELATIONAL DEVELOPMENT: BEGINNING, MAINTAINING AND ENDING

Relationships have a sequential pattern:

an entry phase (beginning), a personal phase (maintenance),

and an exit phase (end).


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BEGINNING A RELATIONSHIP

Establishing a new relationship—one that goes beyond a few minutes of superficial chatter—is difficult.

Meeting strangers often brings out our insecurities and our self perceived flaws.


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BEGINNING A RELATIONSHIP

Attractiveness is your impression of someone as appealing.

Proximity JUDY GARLAND: 'THE BOY NEXT DOOR‘

Familiarity, a knowledge and understanding of someone, although it may breed contempt, more often breeds liking.


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Cyberdating

Be realistic. Eliminate traits you can’t live with. Take your time. Ask yourself if there are any

warning signs of potential abusive or psychotic tendencies.

Be safe. Be smart.


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Personal Ads

Gain attention with a catchy headline.

Tell about yourself with necessary information.

Get to the point. Give an idea of what you're looking

for.


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Additional Choices

Fee-Based Introduction Services. Speed Dating. Matchmaking. Relational Coaching.


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Steps for Initiating Relational Communication

1. Look for Approachability Cues. 2. Initiate a Conversation. 3. Find Topics to Talk About. 4. Talk About a Variety of Topics. 5. Share Plans for Future Interaction.


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How can you create a good impression?

Be cooperative? Be caring? Be memorable?


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MAINTAINING A RELATIONSHIP

Relationships are two-sided. You have control over only one of those sides...yours.

Understand goals of both people. Adapt to changes. Follow the rules. Pay attention to the process. Work at success.


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Personal Ads Continued

Talk about your interests and activities.

Offer a suggestion about how you could spend time together.

Convey a sense of your personality. Be honest! Select the right picture.


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Achieving Your Objectives

Information is the basis for effective relational decision-making.

Self-disclosure—is the process of revealing a depth and breath of your self so that you can begin, maintain and develop a relationship.


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Self-disclosure

Is NOT an all-or-nothing proposition. Begins slowly with revealing

positive aspects of yourself. Progresses—if at all—to greater

breadth, depth, and amount.


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Appropriate Self-Disclosure

Is the disclosure relevant to the relationship?

How likely is the other person to treat the disclosure with respect? Is the person a gossip?

How constructive is the disclosure likely to be for the relationship?

Can you communicate your disclosure clearly and understandably?


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What is appropriate self-disclosure?

Self-disclosure is risky. The primary fear associated with

self-disclosing is fear of rejection.


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Compliance gaining

An active process to direct and influence your communication partner's behavior.

List of 64 compliance gaining strategies: http://www.kkcomcon.com/KCGStrat.pdf

For a discussion on compliance gaining, see Canary, D., Cody, M., & Manusov, V. (2008). Interpersonal communication: A goals-based approach (4th ed.). Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martins, Chapter 12.


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Relationships end for a variety of reasons

Goals may be fulfilled and no new goals established.

Goals may not be accomplished and there may be little chance of achieving them.


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Relationships end for a variety of reasons

Goals may be fulfilled and no new goals established.

Goals may not be accomplished and there may be little chance of achieving them.


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Relationships end for a variety of reasons (continued)

The partners may continue to feel lonely despite their relationship.

The patterns of interaction may be too fixed, too inflexible, or too boring.


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Relationships end for a variety of reasons (continued)

The initial attractiveness may fade and nothing new may replace it.

New relationships may appear more attractive.


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Ending a Relationship

Terminating a relationship often involves changes in other relationships.

Confront the other person with your desire—a direct relational dissolution strategy.

See the other person less—indirect relational dissolution strategy.


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Self-oriented or Other-oriented Strategies

Self-orientation: fait accompli ("I've decided this is over!") withdrawal ("I'm going to be busy all next

week") cost escalation ("If you want me to go

with you, you'll have to give up going out on Fridays with your friends")

attributional conflict ("It's your fault, jerk!").


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Other-oriented

state-of-the-relationship talk ("Where is this relationship going?")

pseudo-descalation ("I think we should see less of each other for a while"—when no contact really is desired)

negotiated farewell ("Let's rationally discuss how to end this without fighting")

fading away (seeing the other person less and disclosing less)


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Most frequently used disengagement

Unilateral desire to exit (one person wants out).

Coupled with an indirect strategy (the person decreases contact, claims a desire to reduce contact when no contact is really the goal, or makes contact very costly for the other person).

No attempts at repair (the pair say good-bye with no expectation for future contact).


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Knapp Relationship Escalation Model

Initiation Stage. Intensifying Stage, self-disclosure

starts. Integrating Stage, duo-based terms. Bonding Stage, a formal. Differentiating Stage.


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Knapp Relationship Termination Model

Differentiating Stage, differences. Circumscribing Stage, less

communication. Stagnating Stage, avoid. Avoiding Stage, separating. Terminating Stage.


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Application Learning Activities

Discuss with a partner or small group or complete on your own outside class.


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ROMANCE

What do you consider romantic? How and why might people perceive romance differently? Airport Wedding Proposal


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MARRIAGE

What are your attitudes about marriage? You may want to interview several people. Decide what questions you will ask. You may want to ask people of different ages, sexual orientations, or ethnicities. What happens in marriage? What do you think are the main correlates with a successful marriage? Why do you think arranged marriages work for many people? You may find some interesting discussion prompts on the Internet. Grover discusses What Is Marriage? - Arranged Marriage Funny Commercial - Grover discusses What Is Marriage?


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BREAKING UP

Is breaking up hard or easy? Interview several friends on the topic and see what they have to say. Breaking Up Is Hard To Do - "How To Break Up" Tales Of Mere Existence - Breakin' Up Is Hard To Do - Neil Sedaka - Walking Away - Craig David


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RELATIONAL GOALS

Why do different people have different goals for individual relationships? Conduct an interview asking people what they look for in their relationships. You may find some interesting discussion prompts on the Internet. Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams 1983 - alicia keys - If I ain't got you


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ENDCHAPTER 7BEGINNING, MAINTAINING AND ENDING RELATIONSHIPS

Berko, R. M., Aitken, J. E., & Wolvin, A. D. (2010). ICOMM: Interpersonal concepts and competencies. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.

Landon Pigg - Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop

Documents

Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.1 CHAPTER 7 BEGINNING, MAINTAINING AND ENDING RELATIONSHIPS Berko, R. M., Aitken, J. E.,