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Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

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Page 1: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Chapter Eleven

Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle

Adulthood

Page 2: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

11.1 RelationshipsLearning Objectives

What type of friendships do adults have? How do adult friendships develop?

What is love? How does it begin? How does it develop through adulthood?

What is the nature of violence in some relationships?

Page 3: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Friendships

A mutual relationship in which those involved influence one another’s behavior and beliefs. Quality determined by the satisfaction derived from the relationship

Adult friendships develop over several stagesAcquaintanceshipBuildupContinuationDeteriorationEnding

Page 4: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Friendships (Cont)

Young adults tend to have more friends than during any other stage of adulthood

Research suggests that satisfaction with life is partly dependant upon the quantity and quality of contact with friends

Friendships usually encompass three themes:Affective or emotional: Refers to Self-disclosure and

trustShared or communal nature: Participate in mutual

interestsSociability and compatibility: Source of fun and

entertainmentOnline friendships quality is good and is improving,

trust is important, advantageous for shy personsSibling friendships are important as well. More for

women than for men

Page 5: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood
Page 6: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Men’s, Women’s and Cross-Sex Friendships

Women tend to base friendships on more intimate sharing and confiding in others

Men’s friendships tend to be based on shared interests or activities

Men’s friendships tend to involve less sharing and more competition

Women tend to have more close friendsCross-sex relationships may help men with their

capacity for intimacyDifficult when persons enter into committed

relationships and marriage, Partner may become jealous.

Page 7: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Love Relationships

Sternberg’s three basic components of love:Passion – intense physical desireIntimacy - need to share thoughts and

actionsCommitment - willingness to stay with

someone during good and bad times

Page 8: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Love Through AdulthoodEarly in relationships, passion tends to be

high and intimacy and commitment lower. This is called infatuation

Falling in LoveThe theory of assortative mating suggests

that people find partners based on similarityHomogamy is the degree to which people are

similar. Research found that greater homogamy was present between partners that met in school or some religious setting

As time goes on commitment increases

Page 9: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Meeting and Falling In LoveMeeting at school is likely to result in the highest level

of homogamySpeed dating partner selection defined by

attractiveness, outgoing, self-assured, moderately self-focused

Online dating has resulted in many couples meeting and forming committed relationships, advantageous for those with dating anxiety One in 5 couples in US meet online.

Higher marital satisfaction resulted when couples shared openness to experiences, but not other aspects of personality

Page 10: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Meeting and Falling In LoveResearch shows three factors that are

important when people meet someoneStimulusValuesRole

Page 11: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Selection and Dating

Studies find differences between women’s preferences in the looks of the men they meetMore masculine for shorter term relationshipMore feminine for husbands or someone their

parents would want them to date

Page 12: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Couples and Culture:Mate Preferences

There is great diversity in preferences across cultures

Two main dimensions emerge:Cultural values – traditional or WesternThe importance of education, intelligence, and

social refinementChastity was a highly valuable in traditional

cultures along with homemaking characteristicsWorld-wide, men preferred attractiveness and

women valued the ability to be a good providerArranged marriages in some cultures report

94% success

Page 13: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Developmental Forces and Relationships

Choices are influence by biopsychosocial factors

Research shows the importance of the dopamine system in love

Erikson describes the importance of the development of the capacity for intimacy for mature relationships

Page 14: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Developmental Forces and Relationships

Exhilaration of falling in love due to amphetamine (dopamine system) neurochemicals

Neurochemical related to morphine appears when relationship switches to long term commitment and tranquility

Oxytocin plays part in attachment and women’s orgasms

Those who tend to fall in love have dominance of left hemisphere chemicals.

Romantic love more important in early adulthood, companionship in later life

Sociolcultural and life-cycle forces play a role in falling in live

Page 15: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

The Dark Side of Relationships: Violence

Abusive relationships may result in battered woman syndrome where a woman believes that she cannot leave an abusive situation. She may go as far at to kill her abuser

Studies have found a continuum of aggressive behaviors toward a spouse, verbal, physically aggressive, severe physically aggressive, murder

Some violence, such as pushing or slapping, occurs in 25-40% of committed relationships

Page 16: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

The Dark Side of Relationships: Violence (Cont)

Victims are more likely female, Latino, African American, have an atypical family structure, have more romantic partners, early onset of sexual activity, and being a victim of child abuse

Studies show that the complexity of the causes of abusive behavior increases as the severity increases

Violence may start as common violence, or physical aggressiveness between the couple

There may be patriarchal terrorism in which men systematically abuse women

Page 17: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

The Dark Side of Relationships: Violence (Cont)Men can also suffer abuse, appox.1/3 the

rate of women Men and women showed similar patterns of

holding traditional gender patterns, lack of communication, and anger management skills

Culture is a factor, and reflects cultural traditions, beliefs, and values of patriarchal societies, seen in sexual slavery, female cutting, intimate partner violence, and honor killing,

Page 18: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood
Page 19: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

The Dark Side of Relationships: Violence (Cont)Abuse is more common in cultures that value

female purity, male status, family honorAmericans in northern US rated women more

positively if they left the abuserSouthern US showed less disapproval if woman

was contrite and self-blaming, value honor moreSouth Asian immigrants use isolation for abuseChinese Americans use physical and sexual

abuse, not psychologicalGay marriages report abuse similar to

herterosexual.

Page 20: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

11.2 LifestylesLearning Objectives

Why do some people decide not to marry, and what are these people like?

What are the characteristics of cohabiting people?

What are gay and lesbian relationships like?What is marriage like through the course of

adulthood?

Page 21: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Singlehood

70% of women and 80% of men are single between the ages of 20 and 24

Men tend to remain single longer than women, but more marry in the long run, find partners more easily

Twice as many African Americans as European Americans are single throughout adulthood

Singlehood increasing among Latinos, men expect to marry as a measure of achievement

Young adults may perceive married people as caring, kind, and giving 50% of the time ,only 2% of single people

Page 22: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Being Single

Single people receive less compensation at work

Rental agents preferred married couples 60% of the time in a recent study

Page 23: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Being SingleThree groups of single women in their 30s

Those acutely distressed by itThose vacillating between desire to marry and desire to remain singleThose happy being single with healthy self image and high quality of life

Reasons for remaining singleReaching a milestone birthdayBuying a houseGradually drift into singlehood

Page 24: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

CohabitationLower educational levels cohabit more and in

more relationshipsThree reasons for decision to cohabit

Part-time or limited cohabitation is usually for convenience and accessibility. Women more than men. No long term commitment, marriage is not a goal

Premarital cohabitation is usually a trial marriage and if it doesn’t end in marriage, the couple splits-up

Substitute marriage is a long-term commitment without legal marriage and is more common with older couples who may lose financial benefits if they marry

Increasing

Page 25: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood
Page 26: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Cohabitation(Cont)

Research on cohabitation suggests that it does not increase the chances of a successful marriage, though more recent research shows lessening of the negative effect

Some states and countries provide rights and benefits for cohabiting couples

Page 27: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Gay and Lesbian Couples

Most research shows similar issues for marriages between homosexual and heterosexual couples

Heterosexual couples argue more about financial, political, and social value issues

Homosexual couples are more likely to argue about trust issues

Gay and lesbian couples report less support from family than do married or cohabiting couples

Less similar in demographic characteristics such as race, age, education

Rates of drug and alcohol abuse in much higher

Page 28: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Marriage

Studies show the median age at which couples marry has been rising since 1970s, 28.1 for men, 25.9 for women

Women under the age of 20 at the time of their first marriage are 3 times more likely to divorce than women who marry in their 20s, and 6 times more likely than those in their 30s

Page 29: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood
Page 30: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

What Factors Help Marriage Succeed? Measuring SuccessMarital success – umbrella term referring to

any marriage outcomeMarital quality – subjective valuation of a

couple’s relationship on a number of different dimensions

Marital adjustment – degree to which a couple accommodate to each other over time

Marital satisfaction – global assessment of one’s marriage

Page 31: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

What Factors Help Marriage Succeed?Teen marriages are more likely to end in

divorce partly due to the need for the development of a strong sense of identity before intimacy. Maturity provides more likelihood of success.

Homogamy, or similarity of interests and values, increases the chance of successful marriage, and financial security and pregnancy at the time of marriage

Exchange theory suggests that marriages are more likely to succeed if each partner provides something to the relationship that another would not be able to provide, the feeling that the relationship is equal

Page 32: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Do Married Couples Stay Happy?

Studies show that satisfaction with marriage is highest in the beginning, falls until children begin leaving home, and rises again in later life

When dependence is more equal, marriage tends to stay strong and close

When dependence is less equal, more conflict and difficulty is experienced

Page 33: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Do Married Couples Stay Happy?Vulnerability-stress-adaptation model-

marital quality is a dynamic process resulting from the couples ability to handle stressful events in the context of their particular vulnerabilities – if it gets better over time the marriage will improve

Page 34: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

The Early YearsLess educated couples experience greater

dissatisfaction with their marriageCouples who do not pool their financial resources

experience less satisfactionWith the birth of children, marriages become more

routine and static, resulting in less satisfaction. However, childless couples’ satisfaction declines as well

Greater satisfaction is achieved if women have accurate perceptions of their husbands rather that “love is blind”

Ability to handle conflict is crucial to a satisfying marriage

Satisfaction decreases with the birth of children\Satisfaction decreases over time for child less

couples also

Page 35: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

MarriagesCouples in the military face additional

challenges with deployment and PTSDMore chance of success if non-deployed

spouse believes the challenges will make the relationship stronger

Effects of deployment greater on wives than husbands

‘Divorce rates higher for deployed women that men

Page 36: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Marriage at Midlife

Important is adapt to chancing circumstances.Important to keep the romance aliveCouples who have grown apart but remain

married are called married singlesSharing religious beliefs helpsPhysical appearance is an important factor in

marital satisfaction. Declines in physical condition due to aging may cause changes in level of satisfaction with marriage

Page 37: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Older CouplesSatisfaction with marriage tends to be

higher in older agesRelationships further improve shortly after

retirementDeclines in health and advancing age often

leads to a decrease in marital satisfactionWhile the amount of past or present sexual

activity or interest does not seem to be related to marital satisfaction, interaction with friends is

Page 38: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood
Page 39: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Keeping Marriages HappyCouples who have enjoyed happy marriages over

the years are better able to deal with changes and challenges

Problems an individual experiences may actually bring couples closer, except for physical illness which has a tendency to negatively affect marital quality

The most important factors in good marriages are Ability to be flexible and adaptable, share religious beliefs, esp in lower socioeconomic marriages, communication of thoughts, actions and, feelings, intimacy and support of each other

Page 40: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Seven Keys to Staying MarriedMake time for your relationshipExpress your love to your spouseBe there in times of needCommunicate about problems in the

relationshipBe interested in your spouse’s lifeConfide in your spouseForgive minor offenses, try to understand

major ones

Page 41: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

11.3 The Family Life CycleLearning Objectives

Why do people have children?What is it like to be a parent? What

differences are there in different types of parenting?

Page 42: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

The Family Life CycleMost common family in Western societies is

the nuclear familyMost common world wide is the extended

family

Page 43: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Deciding Whether to Have ChildrenMore than 50% of all pregnancies in the

U.S. are unplannedFinances are always a big consideration

An average family having a child in 2009 will spend $206,000 to $476,000 over 17 years for food shelter and other necessities to raise a child

Childless couples have higher standard of living and greater marital satisfaction, but may be viewed negatively by society

Page 44: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Deciding Whether to Have ChildrenConsiderations – Relationships with one’s

parents, marital stability, career satisfaction, finances

Benefits of having children – affection, improve family ties, feeling of immortality, sense of accomplishment

Page 45: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

The Parental Role

Couples are having fewer children and waiting longerOlder parents are more at ease, spend

more time with their babies, are more affectionate and supportive

Men who become fathers in their 30s spend up to 3 times as much time caring for their preschool children

More than 70% of women with children under 18 are employed outside the home and still perform most of the child-rearing tasks

Page 46: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Ethnic Diversity and Parenting

African American husbands are more likely to help with household chores and child care than European American husbands

Native American families assign important roles to children, and tribal members spend large amounts of time passing cultural values on to them such ascooperation, sharing, generosity, harmony with nature, spirituality as opposed to European values ofcompetiveness and individuality

Page 47: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Ethnic Diversity and Parenting (Cont)

Latino families esp. mothers adopt authoritative behaviors

Latino families value familism (placing the well-being of the family over individual concerns), and the extended family

Page 48: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Ethnic Diversity and Parenting (Cont)

Asian Americans value familism, and place even higher value on extended families

Value good grades, maintaining discipline, being concerned about what others think, and conformity

Males have a higher statusLess marital stress during transition to parenthood

due to clearer traditional division of tasksMulti ethnic parents face discrimination and

prejudiceMothers usually raise the children according to the

minority’s culture

Page 49: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Single Parents

Roughly 70% of African American births, 50% of Latino births, and 30% of European American births are out-of-wedlock

Causes include high divorce rates, the decision to keep out-of-wedlock children, wanting children, failure to use contraception, and fertility rates

Page 50: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Single Parents (Cont)

Divorced single parents report feelings of frustration, guilt, and a tendency to be overindulgent, and loneliness

Tend to try to be peers with childrenSingle parents often face financial strains. Single

mothers are often affected the most, women are paid less, have less flexibility due to childcare for higher paying jobs

Worries regarding dating and sex

Page 51: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Alternate Forms of Parenting

One-third of North American couples become step, foster, or adoptive parents

Strength of bond between parents and children is an issue

Many children remain very close to non-custodial parents

Visitation of non-custodial parent is an issueChildren of blended families have more mental health

difficulties than non-divorced childrenAdopted children may wish to have

contact with birth parents, which may be viewed as rejection by adoptive parents

Page 52: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Alternate Forms of Parenting cont.Adopting children from another cultureProblems establishing and maintaining a

connection with child’s culture of originChild may have problems because he/she

looks different than peers

Page 53: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Alternate Forms of Parenting (Cont)

Foster parents have most difficulty developing and maintaining bonds with their foster children

Bond can be broken at any time despite quality of careFoster children vary in age at the time they

were taken from biological parentsFoster children may be re-united with their

parents, or adopted by another couple

Page 54: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Alternate Forms of Parenting (Cont)

Research shows that children raised by gay and lesbian parents do not experience any more problems than those raised by heterosexual couples, although there may be resistance to their having children

90% of sons of gay fathers are heterosexualThough controversy continues, studies show that

lesbian couples show more awareness of parenting skills than heterosexual couples, their children are raised less homophobic and more egalitarian than heterosexual children

Parenting is more egalitarian and shared.

Page 55: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

11.4 Divorce and RemarriageLearning Objectives

Who gets divorced? How does divorce affect parental relationships with children?

What are remarriages like? How are they similar to and different from first marriages?

Page 56: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Divorce

Who gets divorced and why?US has highest rate of divorce Ethnicity is a big factor

African American, Asian Americans, and tend to be married longer

Ethnically mixed marriages are most likely to end in divorce

Infidelity moat common cause, followed by incompatibility, drinking or drug use, and growing apart

Page 57: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

DivorceCouples with high levels of negative feelings

divorce earlierLess able to deal with conflictEuropean American wives and African

American couples use more accommodation and less withdrawal over time

European American husbands remain constant over time, use less withdrawal in the beginning

Absence of positive emotions results in later divorce

Page 58: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood
Page 59: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Divorce and RemarriageReasons men give for

divorce:Communication

problemsUnhappinessIncompatibilitySexual problemsFinancial problemsEmotional abuseWomen’s liberationIn-lawsInfidelity by spouseAlcohol abuse by

self

Reasons women give for divorce:Communication

problemsUnhappinessIncompatibilityEmotional abuseFinancial problemsSexual problemsAlcohol abuse by

spouseInfidelity by spousePhysical abuseIn-laws

Page 60: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Effects of Divorce on the CoupleTypically divorced individuals feel

disappointed, misunderstood, and rejectedDivorced people often find it difficult to let

go or to find new friendshipsPeople with less preoccupation with the

divorced spouse adjust better to single life

Page 61: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

DivorceGottman’s Framework:Couples who express high levels of

negative feelings (contempt, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling) as a result of conflict tend to divorce earlier

Absence of positive emotions causes divorce eventually

Predictions did not hold in lower income samples

Page 62: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Efforts to Decrease DivorceCovenant marriage – couple agrees to

mandatory premarital counseling, limited grounds for divorce, makes divorce more difficult

Governmental efforts – Healthy Marriage InitiativeNational Healthy Marriage CenterNational Center for Marriage Research

Marriage education programs – limited participation, but positive results

Page 63: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Effects of Divorce on the Couple(Cont)

Men are more likely to feel shocked, be blamed for the break-up, accept the blame, move out, and therefore have their social life disrupted

Women are usually at an economic disadvantage, have a more difficult time with prospects for remarriage, and are likely to have inadequate child support

Page 64: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Effects of Divorce on the Couple(Cont)

Divorce hangover – inability to let go, form new friendships, or reorient as a single parent, unable to forgive expartner

Preoccupation with the divorce and inability to forgive are indicators of inability to move on with lives

Page 65: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Effects of Divorce on the Couple (Cont)

Divorce hangover – inability to let go, develop new friendships, reorient selves as single parents, inability to forgive spouse

If middle aged women initiate divorce they report feelings of self-focused growth and optimism, if did not initiate the divorce they tend to ruminate and feel vulnerable

Middle aged women at particular financial disadvantage if they have been homemakers through the marriage

Page 66: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Relationships with Young Children

Mothers tend to obtain custody, but not enough financial resources

Fathers suffer psychologically. Often do not stay close to children

Page 67: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Relationships with Young ChildrenCollaborative Divorce Project – voluntary,

contractually based alternative dispute process for couples who want to negotiate a resolution of their situation rather than have a ruling imposed on them by a court. Designed to assist parents of children 6 or younger.

Advantages - less conflict, greater father involvement, better outcomes for children

Page 68: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Relationships with Adult Children

Even many years after the divorce, men are less likely than women to have positive relationships with their adult children

Adult daughters’ relationship with their mothers are more likely to be positive, or intensify, after the divorce

Fosters negative feelings on young adults views on intimate relationships and marriage

Page 69: Chapter Eleven Being with Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

RemarriageOn average, men and women wait about 31/2

years before remarryingAfrican Americans wait longer than European

Americans or HispanicsRemarriages have 25% higher rate of divorce

than original marriagesRemarriages involving stepchildren are 3 times

more likely to end in divorceWomen are more likely to initiate a divorce, but

are less likely to remarryEuropean Americans, people with lower

educational levels, and military more likely to remarry

Younger generations less likely to remarryRemarriage 25% more likely to end in divorce

esp. with children