Clubber's Guide To Assertiveness & Self-Confidence

How To Appear And Sound More Confident In Business

Being The Best

How To Appear And Sound More

Confident In Business

How To Appear And Sound More Confident In Business & Life

Being The Best You Can

Be



1

You Can




2

Module 1:

First Impressions Last


3

Background – Personal Impact & Presence

‘It takes 30 seconds to make an impact.’

Albert Mehrabian, Silent Messages, Wadsworth, 1971, 1985

Your image and how you use it is central to others’ perception of your abilities, skills and potential. It is amazing how quickly you make an impression on others. You need to pay attention to your image because:

To develop your business you will need to sell yourself to others. In a service economy people buy you. While adapting to the environment you work in you need to stay true to yourself, and know how to do this.

There is a clear relationship between impact and self-confidence; each feeds off the other.

Confidence is contagious, but so is lack of confidence. You have the ability to create the atmosphere you work in through generating a positive impact.

Projecting the right image can mean the difference between success and failure.

We are so much more than what we do.

Career progression is not just about doing a good job, but about:

Getting exposure with key people Visibility Personal credibility Networking Sending out the right messages Being positive Creating the right image Your personal presence is the experience people have of you and the memory of you they will take away.


4

Who makes impact and how? In the media every day we are bombarded with images of people who make an impact: politicians (nationally and internationally), actors, artists, sporting heroes, etc. These people inspire strong reactions from their audience, both positive and negative. Before you can effectively make an impact, or make yourself memorable to the audience that you face (be that one person or a thousand), you need to have a clear idea of what you think impact is, or should be, to give you the results you want. Think of some famous people that you would define as being charismatic, having personal presence, creating impact, and try to define what it is about them that gives them this quality. Chances are, you’ll have focused on people whose image is everywhere, but who are unknown to you, other than in pictures or on TV. Now try the exercise with people you know, or have met. Analyse what it is that they think, feel, say and do that gives them this quality and then define which of those qualities you share with them or would like to develop.


5

First Impressions What impression do others form of you when they first meet you? Try the following. Use a mirror, preferably full-length, to see what choices you make: Smile and introduce yourself. It may seem strange to try out different facial expressions in the mirror, but have a go and see what impression you feel you give Notice your favoured or preferred expressions. Do you tend to smile, frown, look tense, dreamy, etc? How do you want to look? Try it out. How do you choose to stand? Do you look uncomfortable or at ease? Apologetic or confident? What do you look like when you stand tall and confidently proffer your hand and smile? Try it out. Remember, this is not intended to be an exercise in wishing you looked different. This is about realistically appraising your initial impact on others. If you don’t do it, be aware that other people are doing it for you all the time. Get ahead of the game and feel that you can adapt your behaviour to suit the situation. It’s an instant confidence boost. You have just a few seconds to make a good first impression and it's almost impossible ever to change it. So it's worth giving each new encounter your best shot. Much of what you need to do to make a good impression is common sense. But with a little extra thought and preparation, you can hone your intuitive style and make every first impression not just good but great.


6

What About Your Image?

Ask yourself which of these values are necessary for others to get the right ‘feel’ of your image, which do you already radiate and which need work?

It helps to get an impartial acquaintance to tell you what qualities you do project and might need changing. Close friends and spouses may not be the best to ask.

1 If you met me today for the first time, what kind of person would you say I am?

2 What impression did I make on you when we first met?

3 How has your impression of me changed, if at all?

4 Overall, how would you describe my image?

5 Is there anything about my image that you would recommend I change and, if so, why?

Try the following questions

Some common reasons for changing your image are:

I want to be as successful in my business as I can be.

I am not being taken seriously in meetings (why?)

I’ve gained weight and need to look slimmer.

I look older/younger than I need to.

I feel out of date.

I need to convey that I’m capable of more responsibility.

I’m up against tough competition.

I always get interrupted by others (why?)

I am single again and want to revive my social life.

Presentations are now part of my job so I need to overcome the fear of public speaking.

I am relocating abroad.

I am no longer a corporate person but need to market my own business.

I need others to think I am more dynamic.


7

First Impressions Last – Or Make A Lasting Impression?

After shaking hands you can read so much about a person and the most vital impression is formed within 15 seconds of meeting someone.

In order to present a positive image you need to understand what you want to project. If you are not clear about what you want to project you won’t project your star qualities clearly to others.

There are some three special steps one can do achieve this.

Choose from the following how you feel you want your image to LOOK – circle six:

Stylish Classic Approachable

Expensive Understated European

Professional Attractive Elegant

Casual Relaxed Successful

Modern Dramatic Creative

Young Chic International

Arty Powerful American

Traditional Cutting edge British

Choose from the following how you feel you want your image to SOUND – circle up to six:

Approachable Dynamic Thoughtful

Reserved Well mannered Fun

Friendly Natural Trusting

Confident Formal Easy going

Energetic Slick Sensitive

Assertive Helpful Considerate


8

Unassuming Extroverted

Choose from the following how you feel you want your image to FEEL – circle up to six:

Motivated Sensitive Free spirited

Decisive Risk taking Independent

Kind Generous Opportunistic

Conscientious Competitive Political

Ethical Supportive Sociable

Resilient Innovative Driven

High-quality Authoritative Impulsive

Influential Refined Optimistic

Self-aware Authentic Flexible

Impactful Honest Determined

Focused Capable


9

Module 2

Self-confidence tips n’ tricks


10


11

The Most Important Thing About Self-CONfidence

The most important thing about self-confidence is the first three letters in the word

CONfidence i.e. it’s all a CON.

As long as you look and sound confident, then you may not feel confident, but your

customer does not need to know this. But remember, there’s a fine line between

confidence and arrogance.

With regards to sounding confident, it’s about the power of your voice and not

sounding nervous, using filler words like er, um, eh etc. Equally, it is about having the

appropriate tone.

The power of your voice

There are 6 factors that affect the way we deliver speech:

Voice

Voice and speech are not the same. Voice is the sound we are able to produce and everyone's voice is different. Speech is what we do with our voice and again everyone has different ways of speaking.

We take our voice and the way we speak for granted. Being more aware of the way we speak is crucial to developing influential and persuasive speech.

Articulation

Articulation is the production of individual sounds and is vital to developing good speech.

Assimilation

Assimilation is the running together of words or sounds.eg Richard Dimbleby or bus shelter. Because we are so used to hearing our own voice we take it for granted. Being more conscious of the need to assimilate words is important in influencing and persuading.

Rate

Rate refers to the number of words we speak in a minute.

Pace

Pace refers to the length of time a speaker pauses between ideas or thoughts. More complex situations require longer pauses.

Inflection/Tone

Inflection is the amount of emphasis or stress we put on words. We need to be conscious of the accents and tone we place on the flow of words.


12

With regards to looking confident it’s about your appearance and especially your

body language, which we will cover as a whole subject later in this session.

Handling Your Inner Critic

Are you your own worst critic? Do you remember events which went wrong? Do you brood over mistakes? Do you ever find yourself procrastinating? Do you ever worry about decisions?

If so, don’t worry! We all experience the inner critic at some time or another. At its worst, this voice can destroy your confidence, affect your performance and prevent you from reaching your potential. Often what we hear are messages from the past which may not be helpful to the current situation. As a start, draw a picture of your inner critic and give it a voice and a name. Create an identity separate from your own. It is easier to ignore a negative voice which isn’t your own. Draw your picture below (and remember the voice and name):


13

Developing A Positive Inner Dialogue Unfounded fears and worries often stop us performing at our best. For example, Anil’s new business as a printing company meant that he had to present different parts of the business each month and share progress and ideas with the different new and potential clients he had. He hated giving presentations and found that beforehand he would have a sleepless night, arrive at the venue feeling tense and then race through his presentation as quickly as possible, making no eye contact with his audience. He knew he could do better, but somehow he couldn’t break out of his pattern of fear. The fear was causing a downward spiral of stress, bringing about a less than perfect performance. Anil worked on all the negative messages he was giving himself and replaced them with positive ones, thus creating a positive inner dialogue. Consciously replacing the negative with positive helped him to be more relaxed and he was able to review his performance. Both he and the people he worked with saw an improvement.

Changing Your Inner Dialogue If you have any negative inner dialogues, replace them with more realistic positive messages and turn your performance round. Give your mind positive messages to help you prepare for success.

Maintaining The Inner Engine Research shows us that our emotional state influences our behaviour. Our behaviour includes the messages we send to others when we make our impact. Controlling your emotional state means that you can be in charge of your external behaviour and this sense of control gives a feeling of confidence and freedom. Part of your ability to manage your emotions comes from a sense of well-being. If you take care of yourself physically, you feel stronger and more able to face new challenges. Also, you have more energy for fun times, and that gives you an increased sense of enjoyment in your life and minimises your stress.

‘The man who has confidence in himself gains the confidence of others.’

Hasidic saying


14

Negative Thoughts & Double Column Technique

Write below all your negative thoughts you have about your new business and then challenge them!

Negative Thought Challenge


15


16

Negative Thoughts & Challenges

Negative Thought Challenge

I can’t stand the pressure of not knowing how much I’m going to make.

I can stand it. It’s difficult but I can put with it. It is good for me.

I am just not good enough. I am not perfect. Like everybody I am good at some things and not so good at others.

What is the point trying? If I don’t try, I won’t know. Trying in itself will broaden my experience and skill. Nobody is expecting me to do it perfectly.

What if I make a mistake – it would be awful.

Everybody makes mistakes. It is good to make mistakes because it is the best way to learn.

I have nothing to say – I’m boring. I have opinions, thoughts and feelings. I like reading and going out. Perhaps I need to improve my ability to express myself. I can practice.

If people really knew me they wouldn’t like me.

There are things about me that are likeable and things that are unlikeable – just like everybody else.

Everybody else has a better time than I do – they’re all happy.

I don’t know this for a fact. Just because they seem busier doesn’t mean they are more satisfied.


17

Some Self-Confidence Techniques To Try

What would you like to improve about yourself?

Although we may not want to admit it publicly I think a lot of us feel like we could use an improvement in self confidence.

Fortunately there are better advice out there than the often exclaimed “Just be more confident, man!” or “Have another beer!”.

There are actually quite a few practical tips you can use to raise your self confidence. As usual, with these tip-lists, don’t try it all at once. Just try a few suggestions and see which ones work best for you.

Some of them you’ll need to practise a bit before they start to pay off.

It’s like playing the guitar or football, it might not work too well the first or second time you try it.

And keep in mind that you have a choice. You can choose if you want to raise or lower your self confidence.

Many of these suggestions can only boost your confidence temporarily. But this can allow you to do something you may not have been able to do before. And as you do it you build a deeper confidence in yourself. And collect concrete proof that you can actually do and achieve a lot of things.

Memory Visualisation

One of the best self-confidence techniques is that of visualisation. When you are

about to go into a new business meeting or meeting with a difficult customer

immediately before this picture someone/something that makes you really happy or

laugh.

It does not have to be a picture of someone/something. It can be a video. It can

be of a person (grandmother, happy childhood memory, son, daughter in fact

anyone) and it does not have to be a picture. It can be a video (a moving image)

of something that makes you happy no matter what. Even better if it’s something

that makes you both happy and laugh.

Then, when you go into that situation you will look and sound that you are upbeat

and happy, and this will have a positive impact on the person that you are meeting.


18

Pick A Song That Makes You Happy

If you are in your car or listening to your mp3 player while going to see a new

customer or supplier, select and listen to a song or album that makes you happy.

Whatever your musical preference is. A song that gives you good memories, like

attending a festival and seeing the song live or your favourite artist/group. As some

of us are not visual, then this is a great alternative to visualisation.

Ask yourself: What’s the worst that could happen?

It’s easy to get lost in a vague fear – or very improbable scenarios – of what might happen if you go through with something. When you really ask yourself what the worst thing that could happen you get a clearer picture, a bit of fear vanishes and you discover that the potential consequences are seldom as frightening as you first thought. By doing this you define the potential consequences and also discover that whatever might happen you can manage and recover from it.

Make a plan to do something. Then follow through

This is probably one of the most important and effective ways to building lasting confidence. When you decide to do something and don’t back down but go through with it you get proof of your – often underestimated – capabilities and your confidence in yourself soars.

Face a fear

This is not an easy one. But the reward is big. If you face a fear then your confidence takes about ten steps up. And for every time you face a fear you can slowly start to discover that the classic quote “There is nothing to fear but fear itself” was not just another empty cliche.

Fake it til you make it.

One way to break out of your own self-imposed limitations, take a step out of your comfort zone and build confidence is to play a part. This might sound like it couldn’t work. Like you are just making things up and lying to yourself.

Well, that might be the case. But it still works. If you don’t feel confident, fake it and play the part of how you would think and behave if you were confident. Soon you’ll really start to feel confident. The part becomes real.


19

Use your imagination

Let´s say to you have an important meeting coming up. Visualise how great the events will unfold – see and hear it – and also how great will you feel at this meeting. See yourself smiling, being positive, open and having a great time.

See the excellent outcome in your mind. Then release by visualising that it has already happened, that the meeting is over with the desired result. This is surprisingly effective and will get you into a great and relaxed mood before even stepping into the first, second or twentieth meeting.

If you are having trouble seeing yourself as confident then imitate someone else. Find a confident person – perhaps an athlete, perhaps a movie star, perhaps a relative – and copy him/her. See how/she walks, talks, moves and carries him/herself. Then just imitate that behaviour in your visualisation.

Use your body

If you start fidgeting with your leg you’ll soon start to feel nervous or anxious. If you start to walk slower you’ll soon start to feel more relaxed. To feel more confident, use your body in more confident way. Walk, sit, stand and move in a more confident way. If you don’t know how, imitate as described in the previous tip. Copy how confident people in your surroundings, on the TV or at the movies use their bodies.

Awash yourself in positive memories

It’s a common habit to let previous failures and bad experiences wash through your mind before you do something important. Replace that habit by actively letting positive memories, accomplishments and experiences wash through your mind for a minute or two instead.

We often forget these positive things and our minds become focused on the negative memories. But this is up to you, you have a choice. And the product of your choice is a factor in your level of self confidence.

Take it into the future

One great way of putting things into perspective and choose how much you let everyday happenings affect your confidence is to take a look from the future. Ask yourself: Will this be a big deal in 5 years or something I’ll even remember?

This takes you out of being wrapped up in what just happened. And the answer to the question is almost always a no. By using this question it gets easier to handle your


20

day to day troubles and realise that in a larger context most stuff is small stuff you don’t really need to sweat.

Realise that the past does not equal the present

What happened last year, last month or yesterday does not equal tomorrow, next month or next year. You create your future in the present and you can to a large degree decide for yourself how much you let the past affect you and your future.

Even if your confidence has been low for the last 10 years does not mean that it has to stay that way. You can choose to change your future and life. You can let go of previous thoughts that have not been useful for you and that’s ok. You can choose new thoughts to think.

This realisation untangles your mind from a self-made prison, creates a sense of possibility and makes it easier to change negative thought patterns.

Be good to yourself

You might treat yourself badly. Realise that there is no need for doing that. Even if you have done up until today, you can choose to stop it. Be good to yourself instead. It’s ok. It’s allowed. It’s pretty pointless doing the opposite unless your goal is to make unhappy, complaining people happy.

An important part of being good to yourself is recognizing your strengths and developing them. This will not only helps to improve your skills but also your confidence in your own abilities. Another and smaller – but important – part is simply learning to accept a compliment. It’s ok to say “thank you!” and feel good about yourself.

Learn about how your mind actually works

Everybody is different but what is more important, people share a lot of similarities in how our minds work. What has worked for others may work very well for you too. For me it’s been quite enlightening to learn about different common patterns of thought.

Now, when I know what some of them are it becomes easier to not respond in a knee-jerk manner when for instance my ego feels threatened or when someone is trying to influence me through various popular methods of persuasion.


21

Module 3

Assertiveness techniques that

work


22


23

What is Assertiveness and Why be Assertive?

TO ASSERT - To state an opinion, claim a right, or establish authority. If you assert

yourself, you behave in a way that expresses your confidence, importance or power

and earns you respect from others. - From the Oxford English Dictionary

Assertiveness is standing up for your right to be treated fairly. It is expressing your opinions, needs, and feelings, without ignoring or hurting the opinions, needs, and feelings of others.

Because people want to be liked and thought of as 'nice' or 'easy to get along with', they often keep their opinions to themselves, especially if those opinions conflict with other people's. But this sometimes leads to being taken advantage of by people who are not as nice or considerate. Asserting yourself will stop others from cheating you and you from cheating yourself out of what you deserve.

Assertive behaviours include:

Starting, changing, or ending conversations Sharing feelings, opinions, and experiences with others Making requests and asking for favors Refusing others' requests if they are too demanding Questioning rules or traditions that don't make sense or don't seem fair Addressing problems or things that bother you Being firm so that your rights are respected Expressing positive emotions Expressing negative emotions


24

Perceptions – The Way It Is


25

The Problem With

Barriers To Communication

‘Perception’ is often a barrier to communication. To successfully overcome barriers in communication we have to change the way we think. We must make a ‘journey’ from the way we see it to the way others see it. When we both see the ‘way it is’ together we can start to resolve any issues and problems that have occurred. This way, we can work at the resolution together and at the same time and be sure in the knowledge that we are both seeing the ‘way it is’ together.

How good are you at communicating with others?

Do you always see things the same way as others do? Perhaps, for up to 85% of the time, what about the other 15%? That’s when, if you don’t see ‘eye to eye,’ things can go wrong! When things do go wrong, the difference of opinion becomes a real barrier to the overall communication

process.

We live in stressful times and in our desire to do a good job in resolving problems, as quickly as possible, we often ‘assume’ that others see the issue the same way as we do.

All too frequently, the problems that we experience sound and look similar and we tend to resolve them in the way we know best. In reality, most of the time, our communication with others is successful. But when things go wrong it is usually because we have ‘assumed’ that others see the problem, issue or even an opportunity the same way as we do.

When they do see it differently from us, a barrier comes between us, things can go wrong, and those barriers can often seem insurmountable and in consequence generate frustration and tension for all parties concerned.

To improve our effectiveness in communication, when dealing with our ‘internal customers’ (colleagues who rely on us to get thing done), and our ‘external customers’ (who pay for our goods, products and services), we must change the way we think about working with them.

Instead of always ‘assuming’ that they see things the same way, we should ask them first how they see the situation. If they see it the same way (most of the time), we can find solutions much more quickly, but we are doing it together, with neither party trying to impose the way they see it on the other.

We can find out if they see it differently by asking them, and when we do this we know exactly what they see, feel, hear or expect from us and/or the situation. Thus we can secure 100% accurate information on the way they see it and when we see what they see, we can work on the solution, get their ‘buy in’ and work together to achieve a result.

To change the way we think we have to stop ‘telling’ others the way we see and start ‘asking’ them the way they see it. This way we remove the barrier of our own

From the way I see it

To the way they see it

To the way it really is

AS

SU

ME


26

‘perception’ and work not on our ‘assumptions’, but the 100% accurate ‘facts’ of the way they see it, compare it to the way we see it and then we can both focus on ‘the way it really is’ together; altogether, a more effective way to communicate.

The three-step process for saying "No"

When you want to refuse a request yet come across as being co-operative use the acronym ACT:

Acknowledge

Circumstance

Transform

Acknowledge the request

Say something to recognise the request. Make a short comment to let the person know that you heard and understood them and are considering what they said.

Clarify your Circumstance

Tell the person a bit about your own situation. You do not need to be specific, and keep it very brief. Mention what it is that keeps you from being able to honour their request.

Transform your refusal into a positive

Suggest alternatives or make a comment that reaffirms the relationship. For example, the following statement contains all three elements of ACT: "It sounds

like a great idea. Unfortunately I have another job on right now. Perhaps I can help

out next week."

Example phrases using ACT

Acknowledge Circumstances Transform

I understand this is important to you.

My current situation is … Perhaps next week I can help.

Normally I would love to help out.

My policy is … Thank you for asking.

I appreciate you thinking of me.

I have other plans. I'm sure you'll find the right person you need.


27

I would if I could. I have other involvements tonight.

Have you considered …?

I wish I could help you out.

I'm not well-suited to do what you need.

Here's an option that could work …

I see you need help. After checking my schedule I can't give you the time that you need.

Have you considered asking …?

I'm grateful that you thought of asking me.

After realising the nature of the request I will have to decline your offer.

I wish you success with it in…

Saying No In 2 Parts

When you say "No" in two parts it can sound stronger. If you are faced with someone

who attempts to argue with and manipulate everything you say then a two-part

"No" works best with them. Examples of the two-step process for saying "No" use

either Acknowledge and Circumstances or Circumstances and Transform, as shown

in the table below:

Acknowledge

Circumstances Transform

I’d love to. However, I’m busy right now.

Thank you for asking. Not this time.

My manager has already asked me to finish something

If you like, you can ask her.

Sounds interesting. I have other commitments.

I have a 3pm deadline to meet.

I wish I could.

Do not feel guilty Once you have decided to say 'no', it is important not to waste emotional energy on feeling guilty. Remember, you don't lose friendships, people's respect, or your job from occasionally saying 'no'. Saying 'no' merely shows that you know your own limitations, and others will respect you for that.

Think about what you are telling yourself that stops you from saying "No".

Don't think: • If I say "No" they won't like me. • I better be nice to them.


28

• I shouldn't say what I think.

Instead, think in an assertive manner: • What are my true priorities? • What response best serves my true priorities? • How can I communicate that as graciously and effectively as possible?

Words To Avoid and Words To Use

Words to Avoid Words to Use

Hopefully Definitely

Probably Will you?

I’ll try Are you willing?

Maybe What have you considered?

Easy What are the options?

Difficult What are the alternatives?

Hard Thank you

Little Which do you prefer?

Would you... What works best for you?

Could you... Which suits you best?

Can I... How can it be corrected?

You’ve got to... How can I help?

Must What do you want me to do?

Should Here are some options

Need I made a mistake

Best I understand


29

Worst I understand your concern

I’d like you to... I apologise

When you don’t... Will/willing

Always Able

Never Unable/unauthorised

This is challenging We

I Us

Me Ours

Module 4

Controlling your emotions


30

Emotional Intelligence – Self Test

Indicate below how much each statement is like you:

Often

Usually

Sometimes

Occasionally

Rarely

1 I know which things in my past influence my emotional reactions today.

2 When we’re working to deadline, I can feel

relaxed, and make it enjoyable and productive for everyone.

3 I give honest, direct and respectful feedback when I feel someone is behaving in an

unhelpful way.

4 I make sure I find the time to praise people when they’ve made a good contribution.

5 I listen carefully to try to understand the other’s point of view and how they’re feeling.

6 I can hold back hostile thoughts in a disagreement, even though I would like to ‘blast’ them.


31

Often

Usually

Sometimes

Occasionally

Rarely

7 I feel comfortable sharing my knowledge and experience with my colleagues.

8 I can build good support networks to help me

personally and professionally. I ask for support when I need it.

9 I manage conflict by seeking common ground. I don’t allow bad feelings to fester.

10 I readily defer present rewards for future goal achievement.

11 I feel comfortable learning anew, and letting go of old ideas and ways of doing things.

12 I can control anxiety to avoid getting stuck.

13 I lead a balanced lifestyle.

14 I notice when my body is telling me I need to relax or energise myself, and I do it.

15 When I start to have negative, defeatist thoughts, I can replace them with positive thoughts that motivate me.

16 I can sustain optimism in the face of repeated disappointment.

17 I regularly step back from today’s urgent

demands to remind myself of where I want to be, and what I need to do to get there.

18 I manage anger by putting things in perspective and keeping calm.

19 I avoid feeling helpless in frustrating circumstances by focusing on what I have control over.

20 I act on the belief that I can choose a different way. It’s not ‘just the way I am’.


32

Often

Usually

Sometimes

Occasionally

Rarely

21 I pick up subtle verbal and non-verbal signals that show how people are feeling underneath the surface.

22 I can handle rejection because my self-esteem is strong.

23 I can reframe, or find alternative ways of viewing, a bad experience.

24 Others would describe me as having lots of drive.

25 I state my concerns without anger or passivity when I am being excluded.

26 My personal vision and values keep me focused in times of greatest difficulty.

27 I avoid procrastinating, and take decisive action after considering my options.

28 I sense out and explore opportunities.

29 I am able to take calculated risks without worrying too much about the choices I’ve made.

30 I don’t just sit and react to events. I take control of my own future.

Score your responses as follows:

Often = 4

Usually = 3

Sometimes = 2

Occasionally = 1

Rarely = 0


33

Transfer your scores for each question to each row below. Then add up your totals for each of the five columns. The scoring interpretation is on the next page.

C A R E S

Q1

Q2

Q3

Q4

Q5

Q6

Q7

Q8

Q9

Q10

Q11

Q12

Q13

Q14

Q15

Q16

Q17

Q18

Q19

Q20

Q21

Q22

Q23

Q24

Q25

Q26

Q27

Q28

Q29

Q30

TOTALS

NB: This questionnaire has been designed to challenge your thinking about Emotional Intelligence. It is not a standardised psychometric instrument and should not be used in any way to categorise, select or label anyone.


34

EQ Alternative Interpretation

Creative tension Manage the tension between dealing with the present and creating the future.

Active choice Being proactive and not procrastinating or worrying about the choices you’ve made

Resilience under pressure

Managing pressure positively

Empathic relationships Building relationships of trust and credibility

Self-awareness and self control

Knowing what you’re feeling and moderating your internal responses

Any score of 18 or above on any of the 5 competencies indicates that you excel in that particular aspect of Emotional Intelligence (although it would be useful to check your self-rating with ratings by others who work with you).

12-17 indicates a strong foundation for development.

0-11 indicates that you may need to explore the particular competence in some depth and find ways of building that particular aspect of emotional intelligence.

Any individual item rated 2 or below may be important area for you to work on. Consider how much benefit you will gain if you invest time and energy in moving the rating up to a 3 or 4.

Now choose up to 5 items from the EI self-test that you feel are important for you to work on. Discuss with your colleagues what you will do to strengthen these areas.


35

Exploring the results of the Emotional Intelligence Self Test

Here is an opportunity to explore and consider the results of your emotional intelligence self test.

Your Scores

Competence Score What does this mean for me?

Creative tension

Active choice


Empathic relationships

Self awareness and self control

Action

Competence What actions and behaviours do you want to

change or develop and how?

Creative tension

Active choice


Empathic relationships

Self awareness and self control


36

Choosing Your Attitude

Having the right attitude is of paramount importance when it comes to running a

successful business and to ensure that you stay in control of your emotions. There

are three golden rules to choosing your attitude.

1. If attitudes are contagious, is mine worth catching?

Ask yourself, and ask if you were to imagine of your answer about yourself to this

question, is it a positive, contagious one or a negative, yet skill contagious one?

Behaviour breeds behaviour. So, you should have an air of good attitude,

personability and approachableness. Because if you’re not feeling happy, then this

is given away so easily in both voice tone and non-verbal body language.

Especially when you walk into work in the morning, ask yourself, “is my attitude worth

catching today”?

2. Choose your attitude from moment to moment.

Ultimately, you should catch your attitude and how it may be coming across, and

re-choose a more positive one when necessary. You have had an eventful and

busy day and done both some repetitive tasks and been asked the same question

20 times that you. You have to remember that the other 19 people that have asked

you that question asked for the very same reason that the latest one did, they were

asking a genuine question that they wanted answering.

At that, or any similar situation, re-choose your attitude to a positive one – verbally,

visually and vocally.

3. Get others to ‘catch you’

As a lot of attitude can be observed as indicators in body language, and the tone

of voice, sometimes you are not even aware of what you are doing, or how you are

coming across? Ask them to give you feedback and their point of view in a situation

where they feel (or you retrospectively feel) could have been done differently.


37

How To Gain Control Of Your Emotions

The Steps

Change the cause of emotion. Fix the thoughts, fix the emotions. Circumstances do not cause emotions – rather, your thoughts and attitudes about those circumstances do. The only exception is when emotion is driven by a physical chemical imbalance in the brain, which can be identified and treated effectively with medication.

Realise that thought is not the same as logic. Logic is a system for reasoning, and reasoning is what you do with your thoughts. You may be brilliant at handling your thoughts, but what thoughts are you handling? Even if your thoughts are accurate, processing a dozen facts about a situation may well lead to error if you are unaware that an additional 99 facts are relevant.

Recognise that you have the right to have whatever feelings—and any emotion—you want to have. But you also have the right (and responsibility) to select and use thoughts that benefit and enrich your life, and those around you.

Re-think your attitudes about your circumstances—change your thoughts—and you will significantly change your feelings and emotions (at least enough to positively affect your daily life).

Increase your awareness of and look out for moments when you feel an irrational thought or attitude coming on. Recognise and identify that emotion, then ask yourself, “Where’s the proof in that?" or “What evidence do I have that validates this feeling?" Then use all of the knowledge, tools, and evidence at your disposal, and your best judgment to behave appropriately – to do otherwise cheats you.

Choose the right time and the right place to express your emotion. Controlling your emotions doesn't mean ignoring them. It means you recognise them and act on them when you deem it appropriate, not randomly and uncontrollably.

Cultivate mindfulness.

Top Tips

Learn to recognise and anticipate "triggers" that set you off on an irrational thought path. Often simple awareness of these triggers gives us enough time to avoid or handle them.

Watch for "all or nothing" thinking. Most of life is a gradient or gray scale, rather than a set of absolutes or extremes. Many situations and events may seem as if they are black/white, good/bad, yes/no; but reacting as if they are can easily lead to irrational and unhelpful attitudes, emotions, and behaviours.

Sometimes it's hard to "do it yourself." If all fails, seek guidance from a supportive psychologist or therapist.

Some experiences like watching a film, hearing a sound or tasting a food (sensory input) can trigger or bring about good emotions. The more good ones you can


38

recognise, pay attention to and be aware of, the easier it is to put yourself in that kind of a recognisable mood. It's far easier to get out of an angry or sad state of mind when you can know what happy or joyful state of mind is like.

Reviewing Impact Have you ever noticed how we love to replay negative incidents in our minds? The reaction to this scenario might be one you recognise…

John loses his temper with his boss during a meeting. Although the situation is resolved by the end of the meeting, John cannot stop replaying the incident in his mind and wondering if it might affect his career progress. In the middle of the night, he wakes. The incident springs to mind immediately and he cannot sleep for thinking about it. A week later, he sees two people arguing in the street. He relives the argument in the meeting. Five years later, John can still recall this meeting in great detail. The feelings he experienced at that time are immediately clear and he feels the same discomfort he felt then. It’s as if it happened yesterday. For some reason, we love to spend time reviewing the things we have done wrong, or the times we have felt embarrassed. This means that our frame of reference is often negative and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Making an impact is all about feeling good about yourself, feeling that you have the right to be present. It’s important that you put good memories in an accessible place for times when you need that boost of confidence.

Critical Incident Exercise Take a piece of paper and write at the top of it an incident that you can recall in which you felt at your most effective. It might have been in or out of the workplace and it might have happened some years ago. The important thing is that it was a very positive event for you. Try to remember as much detailed information about this incident as you can. Now do the same with a negative incident (often much easier to recall). Again, as much detail as you can, but be sure to include the following questions:

What have you learned from this incident? What would you do differently next time? Did anyone else directly affect the outcome of this incident?


39

Learn to do this on a regular basis, making it a habit to review positive incidents, and reviewing negative incidents only once or twice to evaluate objectively what you have learned and what you would do differently next time. The practice of doing this will increase your sense of self-efficacy (a psychological term to describe situation specific self-confidence). The more confident you feel about a situation, the more comfortable you can be with making an unforgettable impact.

Module 5

Watch Your (Body) Language


40


41

The Importance Of Body Language

We spend the first few months of our lives communicating without words and the skill, to some extent, never leaves us. Fear, sadness, happiness, love and hatred are all emotions which we can express ourselves or detect in others through body language.

People can send and receive body language from 4 main areas:

Facial expression and eyes

Arms and hands

Legs and feet

Torso positions and posture

Facial expression and eyes

We receive most non-verbal signals from the face. Poker players develop the skill of hiding their feelings so that nothing is given away through their facial expressions and hence the term 'poker face'.

Arms, hands, legs and feet

The general rule regarding arms, hands, legs and feet is that closed positions (crossed arms and legs), signal resistance and open positions signal receptivity.

Torso position

The torso position can be the hardest to read because posture and seating can be personal and a matter of individual preference. Nevertheless with practice we can learn to read signals from the way someone sits or stands and thus develop a finer sense of communication with them.

Remember:

Make sure your own body language is in tune with and reflects what you are saying verbally.

Read the non verbal signals of the person with whom you are negotiating to ensure they are 'in tune' with their verbal communication.


42

Matching and mis-matching

The golden rule of body language is 'the closer you match the other person's body positions, without being overtly obvious, the more likely you will be to build rapport'.

Three reasons why our body language does not reflect what we are saying:

We are experiencing an energy drain. Expressing ourselves through gestures requires extra energy and if we are tired, those gestures will appear tired in themselves.

We are not concentrating on the communication of the moment. We can still deliver the words even when our mind is beginning to wander and this is a time when our body language can easily fall out of step with our words. The important thing is to concentrate all the time on making sure the connection works.

We have developed bad communication habits. Imagine the smiling letch who leers forward with a tense smile and sneers 'why, I wouldn't hurt a fly...' - a good example of the facial expression not matching the true meaning behind the words. If we develop poor communication habits it is worth working on breaking those habits.

Reading someone else's body language

Reading the body language of the person with whom you are negotiating is an important part of the process. For instance it can tell us whether the person is receptive, paying attention, losing interest or getting angry with our messages.

Learning to read someone else's body language means we can adjust our approach to that person. Based on what we can learn about other people's moods we can temper our own words and actions accordingly. This is the secret of building good rapport with the person we are negotiating with.

Complete shifts in body language can be more telling than isolated movements. They can signify that your opponent:

Is talking about a sensitive issue.

Is losing interest

Needs a break or stretch

Is turning off to your arguments

Watch the body language, it can act as a traffic light. It can signal whether you can proceed, whether you need to be cautious and shift your own approach, or whether you need to stop, check understanding, check progress or even check whether the other person is still 'with you'.


43

Some Body Language Indicators

Remember, the following are indicators only – no body language movement should be made in isolation. It is a combination of the voice and several body language ‘shifts’ that paint a better picture for you.

Anxiety

� A stare, parted lips, finger on teeth.

Depression

� Sitting head down, shoulders bowed, hands between knees.

Dominance

A body confrontation, leaning towards the other party, jutted head or jaw, looking hard in the eyes. Hands on hips, pointed finger, firm lips.

Boredom

� Head down, eyes semi-closed, lips set, head supported by hand.

Thoughtfulness

� Chin stroking, head scratching.

Attentiveness

� Still body, cocked head, looking intently at speaker.

Shame

� Drooped body, avoidance of eye contact.

Sincerity

� Straight gaze, seeking eye contact, hand on heart, restriction of blinking.

Meeting Ritual

� Wave, smile, eye contact, kiss.

Refusal to Accept Something


44

� Covers then rubs the eyes.

Disapproval

� Brush specks off knee or pick lint from clothes, dry washing of hands.

Suspicion

� Narrowed eyelids.

Indifference

� Shrugged shoulders.

Pleasure

� Pupils widen, smile, relax.

Surprise

� Hand over mouth, open mouth.

Joyful Surprise

� Sudden opening of eyes.

Submission

� Bowed head, folded hands.

A Negative Evaluation

� Hooded eyes, fingers cradling nose, cross-leg over knee, hand on ankle.

Protective

� Arms clasped around body, adopting the foetal position.

Fear

� Frozen into immobility, alert eyes narrow, closed mouth, retracted head and body.

Anger

� Closed fists.

Disorientation or Conflict

‘Meaningless gestures’. (Hands playing with each other, gripping and squeezing each other, continuous irritable changes of position, scratching scalp or eye corners, scratching nose)


45

Module 6

Building rapport and trust


The Importance Of

Rapport is crucial in life; the connection between two people. The unspoken words that tell that person “we are on the same page”. The ability to develop genuine strong rapport with people will bring benefits to many areas of your work (and life). Whether it’s getting to know a visitor quickly and personably, getting served faster at the bar or getting your way because someone likes your banter, you get so much more out of people who feel genuine rapport with you. When you develop the skills to create powerful rapport with people, you can’t help but feel powerful. It’s like you can win anyone over and come out on top in any given professional or social situation. It truly is a great skill to have. Your aim should be to create rapportnegatives from having strong rapport with a great many people. You will get the best out of people when you feel a strong connection with them (as soon as possible).

Activity: The Top Ten Of Creating

In your allocated groups, you will be asked to take the set of Creating Effective Rapport Cards

select the top ten tips that your group decides on. On the flipchart, explain your reasons why and even group them togethat is a more effective way to demonstrate your selection(s). Please now close your Workbook as the rapportprovided on the following pages.


The Importance Of Building Rapport

Rapport is crucial in life; the connection between two people. The unspoken words that tell that person “we are on the same page”.

The ability to develop genuine strong rapport with people will bring benefits to many k (and life).

Whether it’s getting to know a visitor quickly and personably, getting served faster at the bar or getting your way because someone likes your banter, you get so much more out of people who feel genuine rapport with you.

e skills to create powerful rapport with people, you can’t help but feel powerful. It’s like you can win anyone over and come out on top in any given professional or social situation. It truly is a great skill to have.

Your aim should be to create rapport with everyone you interact with. There are no negatives from having strong rapport with a great many people. You will get the best out of people when you feel a strong connection with them (as soon as

Activity: The Top Ten Of Creating Rapport

In your allocated groups, you will be asked to take the set of Creating Effective Rapport Cards, and using flipchart/blueselect the top ten tips that your group decides on. On the flipchart, explain your reasons why and even group them togethat is a more effective way to demonstrate your selection(s). Please now close your Workbook as the rapportprovided on the following pages.

46

Rapport is crucial in life; the connection between two people. The unspoken words

The ability to develop genuine strong rapport with people will bring benefits to many

Whether it’s getting to know a visitor quickly and personably, getting served faster at the bar or getting your way because someone likes your banter, you get so much

e skills to create powerful rapport with people, you can’t help but feel powerful. It’s like you can win anyone over and come out on top in any

with everyone you interact with. There are no negatives from having strong rapport with a great many people. You will get the best out of people when you feel a strong connection with them (as soon as

Rapport

In your allocated groups, you will be asked to take the set of , and using flipchart/blue-tack,

select the top ten tips that your group decides on. On the flipchart, explain your reasons why and even group them together if you feel that is a more effective way to demonstrate your selection(s). Please now close your Workbook as the rapport-building tips are


Twenty Top Tips For Building Effective Rapport

1. Open Up To People Give something of yourself away; open up to people. Have you ever noticed how telling someone a secret and having them keep it safe makes you hold that person in high regard? I am not advocating telling everyone you meet your deepest darkest secrets; just use the principles. When you tell people something about yourself, (other than the usual, name, age, job etc.), it gives them a window into your personality; a chance to see some of the real you. You are sub-communicating to them: “I am opeto open up to me.” You will often find that they will start to tell you things about their lives. You are already communicating on a deeper level than everyone else he or she may have met that day.

2. Use Appropriate Humour Use appropriate self-deprecating humour. Almost counterlaugh at yourself actually demonstrates a real strength of character. It is an Alpha trait to not care what other people think of you. The people you are talking to arenot perfect either. They will find it easier to relate to a person who can laugh at themselves. Think about it, how hard is it to relate to someone who takes themselves extremely seriously and who will not allow anyone to make a joke at their expense? Be cool and professional though.

3. Talk To People At Their Level


Twenty Top Tips For Building Effective Rapport

Give something of yourself away; open up to people. Have you ever noticed how telling someone a secret and having them keep it safe makes you hold that person in high regard? I am not advocating telling everyone you meet your deepest

secrets; just use the principles.

When you tell people something about yourself, (other than the usual, name, age, job etc.), it gives them a window into your personality; a chance to see some of the

communicating to them: “I am open to you and it’s OK for you

You will often find that they will start to tell you things about their lives. You are already communicating on a deeper level than everyone else he or she may have

2. Use Appropriate Humour

deprecating humour. Almost counter-intuitively, the ability to laugh at yourself actually demonstrates a real strength of character. It is an Alpha trait to not care what other people think of you. The people you are talking to arenot perfect either. They will find it easier to relate to a person who can laugh at themselves. Think about it, how hard is it to relate to someone who takes themselves extremely seriously and who will not allow anyone to make a joke at their expense?

cool and professional though.

3. Talk To People At Their Level

47

Give something of yourself away; open up to people. Have you ever noticed how telling someone a secret and having them keep it safe makes you hold that person in high regard? I am not advocating telling everyone you meet your deepest

When you tell people something about yourself, (other than the usual, name, age, job etc.), it gives them a window into your personality; a chance to see some of the

n to you and it’s OK for you

You will often find that they will start to tell you things about their lives. You are already communicating on a deeper level than everyone else he or she may have

intuitively, the ability to laugh at yourself actually demonstrates a real strength of character. It is an Alpha trait to not care what other people think of you. The people you are talking to are not perfect either. They will find it easier to relate to a person who can laugh at themselves. Think about it, how hard is it to relate to someone who takes themselves extremely seriously and who will not allow anyone to make a joke at their expense?


48

Be mindful of their vocabulary and listen to what they give you (about their jobs, lifestyle etc.) that you can ‘latch’ onto. Within one minute of an interaction, you should know what type of person you am dealing with and therefore will adjust my diction and conversational threads accordingly. If you were talking to a visitor who’s filling in their car registration details, you might talk about how far they’ve travelled to drive to the building. If you were talking to a graduate interviewee, you may talk about the degree they’ve had and where they studied. This is all about positioning yourself at their level of intellect and engaging them in topics that they would have an interest discussing.

4. Empathy You should always try to see where the other person is coming from. Seeing things from their perspective is a very powerful skill to have when you are creating connections with people. Empathy is about putting yourself in someone else’s shoes while still staying in your own, but establishing a common and shared interest to communicate on at the reception area.

5. Give Genuine Opinions You should give your genuine opinions on topics and explain why. Have you ever noticed how hard it is to connect with a sycophant; someone who agrees with everything you say? There is no substance or depth there within which to build a meaningful connection. You will readily disagree with someone if you genuinely do not hold their point of view. You should always do this in a very respectful/ humble manner and let them know my reasons for your opinion.

6. Give Genuine Compliments Only where absolutely necessary, pay genuine compliments to people. If you notice something you like about a person, you should verbalise it to them. If, through your verbal interactions, you hear that someone has a strong sense of family values, comment on it and tell them you think it is a very good quality to have. If a guy has a tie or pen that you like, tell them.” Compliments are not supplication as long as they are genuine and delivered in the right way. Compliments are also a sign of inner strength; you will find that most people who are insecure find it hard to praise other people.

7. Show Them That You Are Multi-Dimensional

This means constantly mixing it up from being “comedy Phil” to “serious Phil” to “deep and meaningful Phil.” Not only does this display a great depth of character, it also increases your chances of finding a connection with people. Some people just want to laugh; some are more interested in discussing the current global economic situation. By displaying a multi-dimensional character, you are increasing your chances of connecting with them all.


49

8. Don’t Brag About Yourself Don’t brag about yourself; this comes across as tacky and will put people off; modesty is so much pertinent. Let your achievements come out through the course of natural conversation. People have the ability to praise themselves without making it look like they are bragging.

9. Don’t Judge A Book By Its Cover

Never judge anyone. Whenever you ask questions and find out about people, never judgemental with your responses. Someone who feels they are likely to be judged by a person is unlikely to truly open up to that person. It is very difficult to create rapport with a person who has kept their barriers up.

10. Rapport Is Interdependent With Trust

The core element of building rapport is about being a good person. Over time, people will realise that they can trust you and this will lead to them opening up more to you. Note that some people take longer to open-up than others. Apply these rapport-building principles and every person will open-up quicker to you.

11. Shake Hands With Everyone

Shake hands with everyone– It’s a tiny detail, but a handshake is symbolic of a connection between two people. When meeting someone or a group of people in the reception area, ask for their names and introduce yourself to each one of them with a firm (not limp) handshake.

12. Talk About What They Want To Talk About

You should talk about topics they want to talk about. Most people like to talk about their interests and their lives; you should facilitate that conversation. If you are talking to a professional sportsman, you may ask him/her how his/her preparation is coming along for their next event, or you should talk about their sport in general. If you are talking to an Estate Agent, you should ask them about their jobs; the upsides and the downsides.

13. Be Direct

Be direct with everyone you meet. People should always know where they stand with you and this is so much more conducive to building rapport than someone who never speaks his or her real mind. Being direct does not mean being rude, it just means being honest with your intentions.

14. Have Exemplary Manners

You should have exemplary manners; they are very important. Not saying please and thank you and just having general poor manners is one of the most unattractive things a person can be. Basic manners cost absolutely nothing and they are a very


50

attractive quality.

15. Basic Common Sense Manners

Asking people their names and introducing yourself. This is basic common sense manners and should not be forgotten. When you find out someone’s name and then introduce yourself, you will have started the rapport instantaneously.

16. Eye Contact

Maintain good solid eye contact when you speak. If your eyes dart around the room, it will send the signal that you are nervous and this will make the person you are talking to nervous (not conducive to developing strong rapport).

17. The Power Of Your Voice

Speak in a strong clear voice. As with eye contact, if you have a weak or hesitant voice, this will communicate that you are nervous; you will project these nerves onto others around you and you will make it harder to create a bond with others.

18. Laugh Out Loud

Laugh loudly and freely. If someone says or does something very funny, do not sit there and try to look cool, laugh out loud. You should let others know that you have found their joke or comment funny.

19. Matching Language And Expressions

Everyone has a selection of words and expressions that they use over and over again. Try to imitate and match their language and expressions (as long as they are appropriate and professional).

20. Taking An Interest And Remembering Previous Encounters

Ask questions and really listen to what they tell you, which will help you should you meet them again. When you next see that person, you will have a much stronger connection with them as I will know more about their lives. “How did your exams go?” “What was it like in Thailand?” “Did you win the football?” You are using common sense principles to get to find out more about people and their lives and you are creating strong rapport with them in the process.

Asking people to share their knowledge with you not only creates a connection with that person, but the help you receive may also help you in your life.

And finally…Master Vs. Remember


51

But don't just fill up your head with all these tips about rapport. We need to master it and not keep it in our head. Use it like a habit and not always think of what to do next in our thoughts. This will allow everyone to create rapport easily and naturally.

Master Vs. Remember

Master: We practice it one by one until we don't need to remind ourselves to do it. We just do it naturally. Remember: We fill all the information in our head and stuck on what to do next. We can't really be clear what to do next but just recalling what we remember. Our advice. Pick just a few and practice them for some time until you perfect them. Then pick some more.

Building Trust - The Big Challenge A challenge for any business is how to build trust between people who may not know each other and rarely meet. There’s a big difference between the Trust Tax and the Trust Dividend (as per below):

The Trust Tax

Low Trust = Low Speed + High Cost

The Trust Dividend

High Trust = High Speed + Low Cost Which one of the above makes more sense for you?

Trust in the team…

Is vital for any team to be successful Helps collaboration through the sharing of knowledge and experience Encourages people to be open and honest with each other Promotes new ideas, risk-taking and allows people to go beyond their comfort levels

Is a way of developing co-operation Trust exists when people deliver their promises and commitments to team members, share information and demonstrate a level of competence.

An initial meeting gives you the chance to start building relationships and trust. This is, however, the easy part: building on it and making it work from a distance are more demanding.


52

Necessary behaviours The basis for trust comes from being:

Clear about what has to be achieved Competent Skilled at communicating with each other Prepared to listen, telling the truth Reliable: meeting commitments and promises Calm at times of difficulty or crisis Positive even when things go wrong or faced with criticism

Above all, trust comes from what you do over a period of time – the actions you take – and not simply from saying the right words. Trust takes a long time to develop, can be lost in a moment and should not be taken for granted.

Demonstrating trust as a role model You can show that you are trustworthy by:

Being consistent in your behaviour to other team members Being seen to be fair Giving recognition when it’s deserved – not trying to take the credit for the work of others

Anticipating problems and being proactive Respecting others and dealing with any conflicts you may have in private and not in public

Being positive even when things go wrong. Mistakes will occur: acknowledge what happened, talk it through, learn and move on

Not blaming technology for communication failures – virtual meetings are about people and relationships, not technology

Being a good example for people to follow

Positive steps As already mentioned, developing trust is much more difficult if people have never met.

If a meeting is not possible, try to set up a session using a combination of email, your team website and video conferencing to share personal details and interests

In the early stages, put your efforts into getting to know each other socially, rather than focusing totally on work


53

Be prepared to raise the subject of ‘trust’ and what it means. Work at getting a common understanding

As a team, the more involvement and input you have into what you do and how you do it, the greater will be the chances of trust developing

Treat each other with respect at all times:

Be prepared to give people the opportunity to demonstrate that they can be trusted. Don’t make snap judgements about your colleagues

Don’t hesitate, however, to speak to people who don’t keep their promises If you suspect a colleague is not being honest or is keeping information back, have a word with them in private

If your agreed standards or rules aren’t working, then do something about them. They may need adjusting.

Swift Trust Researchers who have studied how trust develops suggest that it increases as people learn:

The benefits to be gained from trusting each other and the penalties for not doing so

Who to trust and the degree to which they can predict others’ behaviour

A lot of partnerships teams are, however, temporary in nature (e.g. construction projects, films/theatre, those dealing with accidents or disasters), with tight timescales in which to operate and achieve goals. Myerson, Weick and Kramer (Trust in organisations) have argued that a different form of trust is needed in these temporary teams – one that they called ‘swift trust’. The targets and timescales don’t allow the luxury of developing relationships over time. Members must move quickly to set goals and operate as if trust was already in place.

Often, having to hit the ground running is enough to focus people’s attention on developing a way of working and learning to trust. In these situations where speed is critical, trust is developed by:

Focusing on the goal and timescale


54

Placing emphasis on doing and involving, rather than relating to each other Concentrating on the task and/or process rather than on people Respecting people’s professional skills and specialisms (individuals don’t have to prove themselves to other team members)

Sorting out problems and difficulties quickly and making decisions on the spot Having a competent leader who picks reliable people and makes sure that they have all they need to perform, thus avoiding arguments over resources – a sure sign of lack of trust

Trust - Fact or Fiction

There are a number of debilitating myths that keep us from enjoying the dividends of

high trust.

Working with a partner, discuss which of these statements are the Facts and which

are the Fictions

Fact or

Fiction?

Fact or

Fiction? 1. Trust is a soft feeling

and cannot be measured

Trust is hard, real and quantifiable

2. The impact of trust or its absence can be instant

Trust is slow to achieve and takes time to have an effect

3. Only integrity can build trust

Trust is a function of character and


55

confidence

4. Trust can be created and destroyed

You either have trust or you don’t

5. Lost trust can be restored by joint effort

Once lost, trust cannot be regained

6. The competences required for trust can be learned

You cannot teach trust, it’s just about the kind of person you are

7. It’s too risky to trust people in business

Not trusting people in business is a risky strategy

8. Trust is established one person at a time

Organisations can trust one another

Planning Your ‘Level’ Of Trust – The Trust Matrix

In order to instil a feeling of trust with your customer, it takes a considerate and considerable effort to be effective and display smart trust, a concept popularised by Stephen Covey (as below).


The 21st Century Approach For Trust

The Trust Matrix is an enabler towards providing a fresh new appr

trusted relationships with others. For some, it’s the excitement of keeping pace with

social networking and its impact on business and technology. For others, it’s the


Century Approach For Trust

The Trust Matrix is an enabler towards providing a fresh new approach for building



56

oach for building




57

dismal failures and disappointments associated with the “black hole” network where

we learned that countless hopes and dreams can vanish into the void with a simple

click of the SEND button. For some, it’s a subtle combination of the two.

But regardless of the reason for joining, there are still certain aspects of membership

that occasionally need to be re-examined so that we can all benefit from the

inherent value each person brings to the group (whether they are ‘contractors’ or

not). It’s time for us to remind ourselves that the heart and soul of networking is the

building of connections, and that truly meaningful connections — relationships —

are always built on trust.

Trust is a kind of Rubik’s Cube that correlates the dimensions of character,

competence, credibility, capabilities, integrity, and respect. For those who are

serious about incorporating trust values and principles into their daily lives, there is

perhaps no more important book than Covey’s “The Speed Of Trust” to read while

spending some quality time with your favourite highlighter.

The Trust Matrix is a way of thinking about the role each of us plays within an overall

organisation and how our daily actions either help to build trust (creating trust

equity) or wear it away (creating trust deficits).

Some Basic Assumptions To understand how the Trust Matrix works, let’s begin by laying out some

fundamental assumptions about ourselves as a collection of individuals:

• We all have different wants, needs, and desires (W/N/D). • We are all at different stages in our personal career management or career

transition journeys. • We all have different personalities and therefore probably gravitate to

different styles of networking. • We all have different expectations for what the organisation can or will do for

us.

An Individual Experience and a Shared Experience As we start to embrace the notion of being a valued cog in a giant wheel of friends

and associates, we begin to realise that it’s no longer accurate to view our niche in

the network as just a solitary, individual experience. Although we never lose our


58

individual identities, we are now, by definition, interconnected — and, for better or

worse, interdependent too.

Despite our individual differences, we now find ourselves pooled together in a

Warm/Trusted Network made up of a large and diverse group of members. As such,

we have some new responsibilities, both to ourselves and to each other.

How Do You Build Trust Equity? Your actions and behaviours carry a significant level of consequences simply

because you are gradually becoming more and more involved in the lives of others.

It’s very much like leaving a trail of trust transactions behind you wherever you go

that’s visible not only to those with whom you interact directly but those who learn of

your reputation by association. Without ever intending to do it, your interactions with

others leave a kind of trust fingerprint that’s visible across the network so that others

gradually learn how to measure your integrity, reliability, and willingness to

reciprocate. Based on their assessments, they decide if you are worthy of their

cooperation, respect — and, of course, trust.

As you keep commitments, especially the tough ones requiring an often

inconvenient expenditure of time and energy, word of your trustworthiness gets

passed along the communication pathways of the network. Your trust profile can

easily start to take on characteristics of world-class dimensions when you expend

energy to help others and you do it consistently, reliably, and with unquestionable

integrity.

Beyond that, if you really want to ratchet up the trust accolades, do all of those

things but be sure to do them with genuine humility. Recipients of such extraordinary

treatment will probably line up at your doorstep — not to ask for favours, but to

present opportunities.


59

How Do You Lose Trust? It’s far easier to lose trust than to acquire it, but the truly bad news is that, while losing

it occurs as a fleeting effortless moment, recapturing it — at least back to its original

levels — can seem like climbing Mt. Everest with a backpack full of bowling balls.

Let’s examine some broken trust scenarios to see how a few ill-considered actions

cause substantial damage to an individual’s trust profile. As you read these items, try

to keep the full irony of the situation in proper perspective: the bond of group

responsibility pulls on all of us with equal force, yet in a moment of weakness, loss of

composure, or a sudden and overpowering urge for the quick fix, we can suddenly

lose sight of our niche and do severe damage to our trust equity, equity that may

have taken months to build.

We’re then forced to expend an inordinate amount of time and energy to

recapture it, if that’s even possible.

1. Magic Bullet

It is terribly easy in today’s age of information overload to fall victim to the allure of

the magic bullet. This typically happens when someone, usually under great stress

and perhaps otherwise well-intentioned, caves in to the pressure of finding the easy

way out of a particular challenge. It usually takes the form of a careless phone call

or e-mail message in which members clearly step out of bounds with regard to the

core values of integrity, respect, responsibility, and compassion and can make them

appear smug, aloof, brazen, presumptuous, self-absorbed – even imperious and

condescending.

Magic Bullet people have trouble accepting the fact that processes are in place for

establishing good, solid connections. They become agitated, abrupt, and

occasionally flat-out rude when they discover that these processes will not be

circumvented just to fit their specific timetable. They also tend to forget that there’s

another individual on the receiving end of the hostilities, and that the recipient will

be completely justified in viewing the offensive behaviour as a breach of trust,

especially if the use of procedural shortcuts seems to be part of a new and

disturbing pattern.

Worse, there are no internal rules preventing victims from sharing the unpleasant

incident with other members, so gaining a reputation as a Magic Bullet person is

tantamount to committing networking suicide.


60

2. Entitlement Mentality

This method of trust degradation occurs when someone chooses to remain stuck in

the old, traditional “employee” mind set instead of gradually migrating to the new

paradigm of being the CEO of his or her own business. Those who remain

predisposed to wearing an “employee’s hat” have a strong tendency to feel

entitled to receive a certain type of treatment, usually related to the preservation of

stature they once held within a company’s organizational structure and having little

to do with actual accomplishment or proven competence.

True CEOs do not allow themselves to be perceived in this manner since a

dependence on entitlements reveals weakness and an inability to take care of

one’s own affairs. Those who abuse trust by indulging in the Entitlement Mentality

often do so by making absurdly self-centred requests of others that, tragically for

them, tend to have the effect of broadcasting their audacity — and their insecurities

— all in the same breath.

3. Reciprocity Failure

There are people out there who have a tough time with reciprocity. They just don’t

get it. Although it’s not a complex principle and although it’s highly unlikely they

don’t grasp it, they nevertheless have a great deal of trouble practicing it.

Unfortunately, reciprocity is the transactional currency that members exchange in

order to build trust and develop relationships. As relationships develop, we can’t use

cash, credit cards, or PayPal to ensure their continued success. Networking currency

is built on the trust standard, not the gold standard.

Those who fail, especially in a team environment where the natural rhythm of give-

and-take has already been adopted as the norm, quickly lose the respect and trust

of others. They allow themselves to be branded as an unreliable, bankrupt link in the

chain.

4. Deception or Hidden Agendas

Deception and hidden agendas represent a special type of poison for relationships

that have managed to build up moderate levels of trust equity over time. This

behaviour mechanism is particularly insidious because those who become

victimised justifiably feel a sense of betrayal once the deception is exposed.

The response can range from bitter disappointment to undiluted outrage. Wilful

deception is not a minor offense. In all of the ways in which trust can be damaged,


61

this is one that almost always provides the most difficult path back to restoration

since it is rooted in a wilful disregard for the rights and feelings of others.

Of course there are people who just have a difficult time expressing their intentions

well, and they can certainly be forgiven and coaxed to improve their

communications skills. Some just misstate an occasional fact or two, so no real harm

is done. But for others, sorry to say, duplicity and deceit are hardwired into their

genetic makeup and couldn’t be removed with a fleet of bulldozers.

It’s worth pointing out that hidden agendas have a nasty habit of exposing

themselves in the most embarrassing and inopportune ways. Those who deal in

deception very often find themselves publicly humiliated when the truth eventually

illuminates their dark side. Bottom line: Garbage in, garbage out.

5. Withholding Information, Communication Failure, Gossip

Being a reliable conduit of good, dependable information is the mark of an

esteemed trusted person. The flip side of this is wilfully engaging in the spreading of

misinformation or information that is known to be suspect or questionable.

The behaviour of regularly dealing in the spread of questionable information is

gossip, and gossip plays fast and loose with the bonds of trust. Some researchers

actually believe gossip in the workplace is a form of violence, an actual form of

attack. This is because offenders often feel they must emote frequently, aggressively,

and with no regard for diligent fact-checking.

Workplace e-mail is one of their favourite weapons; ironically, it’s also one of their

biggest trapdoors since more and more companies are adopting a zero-tolerance

policy on using e-mail indiscriminately and irresponsibly.

6. Closed-Mindedness

Although all of these trust-busting scenarios weaken or destroy bonds of trust

between members, some are notable for their ability to cause genuine hurt and

pain. Closed-Mindedness is not one of them.

Closed-Mindedness is practiced by those who are totally and completely inflexible

about certain matters and could not be encouraged to examine an opposing

viewpoint if they were offered weekly shipments of gold bullion direct from Fort Knox.

Their single-minded ‘exclusionist’ view precludes them from even considering

alternatives and options.

As a link in a ‘trust chain’, those who practice closed-mindedness cause a great

deal of frustration and anger on the part of those who’ve just received the latest


62

tirade of inflexibility. What makes this an anger event instead of a pain event is that

no one ever believes there can actually be people out there who are so rigid in their

beliefs and averse to giving even minimal consideration to other points of view.

The questions that trigger the anger response go something like this:

How can this person ever believe he/she will ever be taken seriously – about anything?

With that level of inflexibility, how is it possible to conduct even the simplest business with them?

If there is an unwillingness to budge from one’s point of view, ever, about anything, then why would I want to invest any trust in such a person?

The answers, of course, should be quite obvious.

Conclusion Trust is one of the most important things that keep people bonded to each other in meaningful relationships. It is earned in small but continuous fragments, often over very long periods of time. Once built, it becomes the defining characteristic of almost all human relationships. Once lost, it can be extraordinarily difficult, though not impossible, to win back. A wise approach to networking must always involve paying careful attention to the hard work we must perform to earn the trust of others and the countless ways in which it can be squandered.

Documents

Clubber's Guide To Assertiveness & Self-Confidence