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Contentspredators possessing the speed & power of a Bengal Tiger. In fact, large numbers of Bengal Tigers(7:4). This would have the added advantage of being able to write 'Here be

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Contents:

1: Introduction............................................2: Overview................................................3: Basic Policy Proposal............................4: Costings & Feasibility...........................5: Legacy Costs/Benefits...........................6: Pro Rail Addenda...................................7: Impact Concerns....................................8: Conclusions & Further Analysis............

Appendix 1: The Tinfoil Hat Thinktank

Appendix 2: Casting & Direction of Section 5

Appendix 3: Why it is suggested to be named the Barbara Castle Memorial Waterway

The Footnotes

1: Introduction*

This document is a preliminary sketch (1:1) of the LS1 idea which is to be offered to the OMRLP conference for consideration of being a Loony Policy worthy of adoption in the next manifesto(1:2). This initial incarnation is written in the hope of encouraging the participation & ideas of:

Official Monster Raving Loony Party Members(1:3)Rebelling Members of Parliament(1:4) & Political Luminaries(1:4a)Concerned Individuals(1:5)Unconcerned Multividuals(1:6)Any right or wrong thinking citizen of earth(1:7)

Any reader of this document who would wish their opinion to be included in the final draft has only to submit it to ([email protected]) to have inclusion & accreditation(1:8).

Readers should also note this first rendering of the proposal is almost exclusively Horatian Satire (ie. Silly), the question whose answers will make the second version far more Juvenalian Satire (ie. contemptuous) is : CUI BONO? For whose benefit? Who are the rats & fat cats that will gain by the nations loss? If you know, please help.

*Each section's footnotes indexed (section:note) ie (1:1) is the first entry on the Introduction section.

2: Overview

The HS2 proposal, as it stands(2:1), is nothing short of a direct challenge by the major political parties to make a massive land grab on firmly held Loony party political territory. The inherent lunacy of the present HS2 proposal should strike fear into the heart of every Loony in the UK. If ostensibly rational mainstream politicians are making the Loony Party look like the sensible option, it would appear that the Loonies will have to up their game.

As bleak as this turn of events undoubtedly is(2:2), lessons can be learned from groups who have resoundingly confounded the schemes of the government in the last 12

months. Amongst the most successful of these has been good old Brock the Badger & his ursine associates. Few of us possess their upper body strength(2:3) & mining tenacity but the moving of goalposts may not still elude us. We have but to articulate their cunning by devising a policy which to the untrained eye may appear much sillier on first reading but which slow burns like a subterranean fire in a coal mine.

We could shift the goal posts by simply envisaging the opposite of the High Speed 2(2:4). The Low Speed 1 is almost too easy. Instead of providing a scarce few points of egress, providing innumerable stopping points. Replacing a terrible eyesore(2:4) with a beauty spot the length of the realm. Choosing not to destroy our environment but to allow its development.

3: Basic Policy Proposal

The Low Speed 1 is a proposed alternative to the High Speed 2. It is to be a network of wide-beam canals threading together the major rivers, cities & sites of national pride (as geography allows), connecting & reaffirming the cultural bonds & shared heritage of England, Wales & Scotland(3:1).

The LS1 is envisaged as a 2 metre deep trough(3:2) of 30 metres width with 5 metres as lock restriction. This has a 'back of the fag packet' costing of £42,000 per 100 metres(3:3). The lining of this artery will be constructed of material beneficial to the propagation of wildlife(3:4).

The final proposed route will be determined by popular demand. Rather than NIMBYs shunning unpopular concepts such as HS2, the LS1's route will be drawn to (Would Love It At The Foot OF My Patch) WLIATFOMPs(3:5).

The spoil from the LS1 would be used for the construction of a series of grass banked amphitheatres. These would be evenly spaced throughout the nation to provide a social space for public celebration in the years which the Glastonbury Festival is not held(3:6).

But mainly, who among us does not hold the ember of a coal of burning pride which is set to flare at the thought of belonging to a nation so bold as to propose the 'Inland Sea'. Not only propose it, but brave enough to dig it(3:7)

4: Costings & Feasibility

Let us start with feasibility(4:1). If we were to ask bookmakers(4:2) what odds are there for either of two projects to fail. One which utilises two hundred year old technology which has already been used in the British Isles. Or a second project using high technology which is in the development stage. And then ask the bookmakers what are the odds of each project coming in on the original costing target.

The Lord Mayor of London, the inestimable Boris Johnson has suggested (& I paraphrase here) that 'the current HS2 costing is the very fabric of the quintessence of fluffy fanciful thought'(4:3).

If the costing of the HS2 is fanciful in the extreme, it begs that the costing of the LS1 should take that sush as we have had a duellist’s gloved struck across our open cheek. I think we could MAKE money digging it(4:4).

We should do all the digging by hand. Shovels, spades, picks, mattocks & barrows. The extra spice is we charge people to dig at our municipal outdoor gymnasium. Theme a series of Victorian gym gear & instead of all that grunt & sweat going to waste(4:5), it can be building one of the new wonders of the modern age.

The LS1 will make the nation fit, the HS2 will make the solicitors fat(4:6).

5: Legacy Costs/Benefits

It can be but one question(5:1).

In a hundred years, what have we bequeathed to those who follow us?

LS1 – a fabulous white elephant which meanders through the canvas of this sceptred isle, a benefit to each and every man & beast, a shield & spear to combat floods & an aspirational world tourist destination.

Or

HS2 – a bleak scar, nature's enemy, with a rapacious greed, intermittently screaming through the countryside tearing communities apart as their ears ring to a legion of avoidable poor decisions.

6: Pro Rail Addenda

If we're throwing money around for rail infrastructure & not upgrading existing badly underfunded rolling stock(6:1),then lets think back to when this island ruled the rails. Each existing train to have Thomas the Tank Engine style faces moulded onto the front of them. Amongst the Rev Awdry's delightful characters there would be a range of faces of unpopular politicians(6:1a). There would be notification of the arrival of these trains so the local populations can throw faeces(6:2) at the faces as they go by. Or, eggs maybe(6:3).

We could possibly clear some space on the roads by building rail yards for moving non-perishable goods more than 75 miles. This is undoubtedly a brilliant idea as it propounds the paradigm proposed by Kevin Costner in his seminal work 'Field of Dreams'(6:4). Ie 'Build it and they will come'.

We could also lower our collective aspirations (6:5)& look to successful low speed, underfunded networks. How much more business does the Indian rail network do than ours? And if made up facts turn out to be miraculously true, I'm pretty sure much of the track was laid before Mohandas Ghandi swapped his british army boots for flipflops(6:6). Now I'm not suggesting we ape our previous age of systematic military exploitation of foreign nations but rather to look to the railway networks we left amongst the wreckage once we had we stripped them of their wealth & heritage.

7: Impact Concerns

To try and conceive the impact concerns of the HS2 would be as pointless as to try & count tears in rain, when a lot of very sensitive people are watching something very sad in very rainy conditions(7:1).

The impact concerns of the LS1 are a very different kettle of fish. In fact they would be more like a kindle of kittens(7:2) in a cosy cot, nothing fishy nor relating to the confinement thereof. The concerns regard success rather failure.

The first positive concern of the LS1 revolves around the explosion in the native flora & fauna in the immediate locales through which it passes. The delightful hedgehogs, water voles & otters may well be but the fore guard to an army of elk, aurocks & mammoth. These super herbivores are likely to play havoc with the Gardener's Question Time devotees(7:3) who are our present protectors of threatened native species.

The solution would be to introduce a community of predators possessing the speed & power of a Bengal Tiger. In fact, large numbers of Bengal Tigers(7:4). This would have the added advantage of being able to write 'Here be Tygers'(7:5) on maps.

The other problem would be the wealth generated by the LS1 would attract development & new buildings which are often not very nice to look at(7:6).8: Conclusions & Further Analysis

Basic conclusion : The HS2 is so conceptually flawed & universally unwelcome (outside of the Palace of Westminster(8:1)) that we could realistically propose ANYTHING & struggle to make a worse transport policy suggestion than the HS2. They really have outdone their selves. But that is not to say we should not try & make the LS1 more ridiculous than the HS2.

As the LS1 proposal stands, I fear it is not quite Loony enough in comparison to the HS2(8:1a). These bare bones lack the sufficient greed, mule headedness & personal aggrandisement to appeal to the thought processes which rubber stamped the HS2.

For further analysis I could recommend the big ass list of people who have expressed concern as to the development of the HS2 project on the HS2 page of Wikipedia(8:2).

All input to the formulation of an improved proposal to be put before the OMRLP (& then hopefully the electorate) would be gratefully received.

Appendix 1: The THT

Its just me on me onesies really. Rob (often moored nearby) was going to join but I think I over talked the original idea (A1:1) & took much of the fun out of it for him(A1:1a). The primary concept was 'what would Reg of the PFJ do?'(A1:2) Reg being one of the characters played by John Cleese in the 'Life of Brian'. I pictured lots of committee meetings (with biscuits)(A1:3) & long winded articles of agreement arising from them(A1:3a). And it was to be hoped some form of these articles of agreement on potential Loony Policies could be presented to the OMRLP conference (A1:4) for consideration for inclusion in one of their manifestos.

Appendix 2: Casting & Direction of Section 5

If we were to develop any theme within this document I would humbly suggest that Section 5 should be the slightly dodgy shrimp salad which could lead to the full blown two days in the bathroom food poisoning event we may desire.

After absolutely no serious thought(A2:1), three alternatives present themselves(A2:2). First choice would be to commission Issy Sutty to put the LS1 & HS2 into some form of verse that she may sing a ditty to more eloquently express the ideas there. Slight twist being we keep cutting from one scene where she is sitting next to a canal singing, to another where she is next to a rail track (in a safety harness, we're not actual monsters(A2:3)) desperately trying to sing over a train hurtling past.

Second idea involves Dame Maggie Smith(A2:4) dressed as Britannia, helmet, shield, blummin great lion, the whole works, reading out the Low Speed 1 bit. Then cut via a big puff of smoke to Dame Mags in full Wicked Witch of the West costume giving it full on panto villan describing the High Speed 2 as the threat to our countryside & exchequer it undoubtedly is.

Third idea is to just let Brian Blessed at it(A2:5).

Appendix 3: Why it is suggested to be named the Barbara Castle Memorial Waterway

First reason is to celebrate her great role in securing what waterways we are currently blessed with(A3:1). While local councils were actively filling in canals & in an era of cuts equivalent to modern day austerity (Beeching etc.), Babs stood firmly on the side of the waterways & their heritage as a much valued national asset(A3:2).

The second reason is to remind ourselves within the party & the electorate as a whole, that Members of Parliament have not always been beneath contempt(A3:3), too busy stuffing their duck houses with corporate cash to care about the legacy of greed & corruption they leave behind them as they join the board of a major company. At one point they actually helped.

But a chasm, a fecking gulf separates us from those times(A3:4).

I doubt one MP from our present shower of shit will break ranks. THAT is why I suggest we call the Low Speed 1 the Barbara Castle Memorial Waterway, to shame that elite club of Eton/Oxbridge career political shitbags who lead us into treating their constituencies' wishes with a modicum of respect.

The Footnotes

1: Introduction

(1:1) The phrase 'preliminary sketch' implies a grandeur which is sadly wholly lacking from this document. This which lies before you could more accurately be described as the literary version of a vague damp mark on a pub carpark wall just after closing time at a real ale festival. 'That' kind of preliminary sketch.

(1:2) The Official Monster Raving Loony Party Manifestos are works of satirical genius. Often pre-empting legislation, it was through these press releases that I first became aware of the OMRLP in the pre-internet years. These whimsical outbursts from a 'proper' party are what politicised myself & a number of members. The concept that any sentient creature (or in the near future a Turing Test aware technology or network of such) could have a thought, a mere flux of chemistry & bio-electricity, & have that to be a part of this literary political heritage is quite appealing.

(1:3) Sibling members of the OMRLP will always find their words near to the ears of the Tinfoil Hat Thinktank. Not just present members but past & future. And not just members but sympathisers such as Sir Patrick Moore. If any are inspired by the thought, - what would Patrick possibly approve of & have low earth orbit alternatives been considered, a warm welcome awaits

(1:4) A Venn group yet to materialise, the rebel members of

parliament who stand against the HS2 are those who support the wishes of their electorate. Nineteen local county councils are in opposition & all are controlled by the big three parties. None of their elected MPs will present these views

(1:4a) Its worth lifting this bit from Wikipedia :-Lord Mandelson, a supporter of HS2 when in office, admitted in July 2013 that the cost estimates were "almost entirely speculative" and said the Labour Government had only proposed it to "paint an upbeat view of the future" during the financial crash.-Alistar Darling, former Labour chancellor and transport secretary, withdrew support for the project, stating to go ahead would be "foolish".-Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, has stated that the costs would spiral over £70 billion.

(1:5) A large number of unconnected groups are articulating their concerns for the HS2. If we could contact & include their specific concerns within the proposal then we will have given more thought to the individuals whose daily lives are negatively impacted than the major parties.

(1:6) Multividuals ie; Gods. Any anthropomorphic manifestation of a spiritual philosophy (not to the exclusion of Shinto-esque Kami or other culture's 'spirit of place') which holds any kind of opinion on transport policy is heartily recommended to get in touch. All invisible friends welcome. If the installation of a high speed transport network seems invulnerable to rational thought, this is

obviously the time to open discussion to people's interpretation of archaic fiction or the inspiration from personal spiritual reflection.

(1:7) Obviously 'right thinking' as a demographic group should exist in a state of flux as parameters are always changing. I'd like to think of 'wrong thinking' being described as those who thoughts would include such opinions like – what we really need is another series of 'Friends' where they are all in late middle age contemplating mortality & the intrinsic worth of their lives & the various characters of the children they have brought into the world.

(1:8) Not a chance. I'll claim each idea as my own to protect you. Unless you uncover a big conspiracy, then which ever shady umbrella group you uncover can have your name & address & everything. They won't even have to shout. I'll sell you out just to be rid of them. That said, I'm not without a sense of decency, I won't offer them a cup of tea in respect to you & the terrible position you thoughtlessly put yourself.

2: Overview

(2:1) Do try & get hold of any documentation relating to the presentation of the HS2 as a positive proposal. The two most exciting readings I have managed to wring from these brochures have settled on imagining them being delivered in one of two classic two voices. In the first I hear Dame Maggie Smith doing her best Miss Jean Brodie voice reciting facts with a tone akin to urging a cult to take

suicide pills simultaneously. In the second I picture Richard E Grant atop a hill surveying our green & pleasant land delivering the text instead of the final soliloquy to How To Get Ahead in Advertising.

(2:2) Grim doesn't begin to describe the scar which is planned to run the length of the United Kingdom if such plans come to fruition.

(2:3) Native Northern European Badgers (latin) can exert lateral clawing pressures unobtainable by bipedal hominids. They don't even bother with tools, that is how singularly adapted to earth working they are. It would be ridiculous to attempt to unseat them as primary goal post movers in the present political climate.

(2:4) If high voltage overhead cables, their supporting gantries, great earth & gravel banks & high speed rolling stock do not constitute an eyesore then try installing them in an exhibition garden at the Chelsea Flower Show & see how far you get. It will make the gnomes a friend of all.

3: Basic Policy Proposal

(3:1) The obvious success of the first phase will be followed by international links. These would consist of a series of high rise aqueducts radiating from the upper slopes of Mount Snowdon. The first of these would span the Irish Sea with a supporting section connecting the Isle of Mann to the Irish mainland. If demand is high to both Eire & Northern Ireland, two aqueducts will be constructed. If

neither seem to keen we'll just strike out of the eastern seaboard of North America & see how far the money goes. The second aqueduct would connect the British Isles to mainland Europe. Its all quite pleasant over there so we'll ask them where would cause least fuss.

(3:2) This is for safety reasons. Inflatable stilts no shorter than 1 metre will be freely available every 1337 metres. These will attach easily to any footwear & probably turn out to be both sturdy & attractive. Preliminary research will be conducted into variations for most types of common pets but this will be discarded midway before any useful data is collated. This is as a tribute to the originators of HS2

(3:3) I just made this figure up. Metaphorically plucked it from behind my knee. My mate Rob has a waste license & a flatbed truck so at some point at the bar of the Prince's Feathers I'll ask for a price per ton for shifting top soil. Actually now I think about it Ian's got a digger & a proper lump of a tipper. If I let on its a big job we'll probably get a good price out of him. To be continued.

(3:4) Back in the day they lined the original canal network with either dressed stone or puddled clay. Lets not mess about, a project of this importance demands traditional techniques with authentic materials.

(3:5) WLIATFOMPs (willy-at-fomps) possibly the worst acronym with the happiest members of any group. Apart from the People Of Outrageous Personality finding out they have just won an award for the amusing of a random social

group with witty anecdotes.

(3:6) Let us be fair. The Eavis family has to put themselves out to an extraordinary degree to host the Glastonbury Festival. In their well earned years off, the UK government should really set a mechanism in effect to allow some shambolic version of the celebration to continue on other sites.

(3:7) Traditionally canals have been dug with a large underpaid migrant labour force. Or in the Eastern Hemisphere by indigenous peoples accused of political crimes. I struggle to see how offering under performing bankers as forced labour would be met with anything other than rapturous applause by the electorate. I might be totally wrong but would suggest it may be worth putting to a referendum.

4: Costings & Feasibility

(4:1) Starting with feasibility is to not engage with a direct dialogue with the supporters of HS2. The feasibility of maintaining a Japanese 'bullet style' network with minimal monetary allocation is a recipe for disaster that only the offspring of Ming the Merciless & Delia Smith could serve cold.

(4:2) Why leave the finances of a major national expenditure to the actuarial nuances of Turf Accountants? When you show me a poor bookie I'll be happy to explain.

(4:3) I appreciate that I paraphrase Mr Johnson very broadly in this section. I hope the capricious nature of a man's sentiment has not been clouded by my interpretation. In my defence may I humbly offer that I find my erstwhile colleague’s affable & relaxed dialectic style evades accurate quotation.

(4:4) I feel loathe to mention making money at this point when all debate so far has been how much wealth we should squander. It feels like suggesting we all should be sitting down in a nice chair rather than arguing about how hard we should each punch ourselves on our noses.

(4:5) Seriously people, imagine how much effort is wasted in gyms across the nation working against machines & free weights. Picture every bead of sweat doing something useful rather than waving things about then putting them back. We offer a sense of achievement the gym goers could share with their grandchildren. There can be little pride saying how many repetitions of doing something pointless you used to do before you gave up, compared with a long hole full of water with ducks to feed on it.

(4:6) Fit to drop after all that shovelling earth no doubt. And impossibly messy. Early thoughts are that it may well be far muddier than anyone who had not seen the hell of the First Ypres could ever appreciate. But at least it wouldn't be done under fire protecting Europe against an expansionist enemy deploying all the horrors of mechanised warfare while we're digging.

5: Legacy Costs/Benefits

(5:1) There should never be 'one question'. If that statement was true then this would be a terribly dull world to live in. I wholeheartedly stand appalled at my statement but leave it in for literary effect & to see if anybody reads this far into the footnotes. If anyone would like a personal apology for suggesting that the questioning of our realities should be limited. You got it now with the explanation that I was merely trying to make a point albeit clumsily.

6: Pro Rail Addenda

(6:1) C'mon we're the Loony Party. I'd suggest we're nearly honour bound not to propose such a sensible policy.

(6:1a) Unpopular politicians? Reducing the list down to the 'MOST unpopular politicians' may still prove to be an administrative nightmare. We will probably need some more trains. Lots more.

(6:2) 'Getting all monkeys in the zoo at them' can only help release the frustrations of the populace as the trains hurtle by.

(6:3) The 'egg substitution' could lack the massive cathartic release of the original proposal but would definitely curry favour (see what I did there with the egg reference?) with those devoid of childish humour.

(6:4) I'm not absolutely sure that 'Field of Dreams' is

Costner's seminal work but if we were to dig further into his filmography for inspiration & ended up with 'Everything I Do, I Do For You' back at number 1 in the charts for a full summer, we have NOT made this world a better place.

(6:5) Why not strive for less for a change? But with an eye to having 'less', better. Like 'ordinary' speed trains with enough carriages to prevent over crowding.

(6:6) That literary devise was in no way meant to be disrespectful to a man of peace who is a personal hero & a much loved world icon. It was a clumsy metaphor regarding timing. I'm fairly sure Gandhi was at the battle of Spion Kop (from which the steep home stand at Liverpool got it's name) in about 1905 or so (must check), I'd reckon on him being at least 15 at that time, placing the breaking in of his first flip flop around 1890. As I've seen cowboy films (usually 1860s & onwards) with great big trains, I'd guess the majority of the Indian rail network was put in place between the battle of Waterloo & the siege of Ladysmith. I've been wrong before, no doubt I shall be again. I suspect my main point was, the Victorian networks (if not slashed by villains such as Beeching) are a valuable resource in modern industrial countries.

7: Impact Concerns

(7:1) I make no apologies for breaking into the vernacular style of Bleak Expectations in this paragraph. It is a veritable jewel in the crown of current radio comedy & a constant source of amusement while typing up this

nonsense. Other radio comedies are available.

(7:2) Yeah, its a kindle of kittens. How insane is it that a company has chosen to call the upgrade using the Kindle name as – Kindle Fire? How can the immolation of the cutest things on the face of the earth be an improvement? I think we should inform the necessary authorities who look into cruelty to check the pet tending abilities of those who chose this name.

(7:3) The Gardener's Question Time mob are without doubt the hidden ninjas of the British countryside. Lets not fuck about, these ladies & gentlemen are the arbiters of what lives & dies.

(7:4) Bengal tigers are right up there amongst the most fabulous creatures on earth (apart from the sort of life which is icky but very necessary like the bacteria which eats shit & saves us being knee deep in the stuff). Why should we not aspire to provide a home to such magnificent beasts. Imagine the fun & games, “If ya dunnae eat yer greens, the big beastie will eat ye. They dunnae like the smell o sprouts”.

(7:5) Here be Tygers is a big nod to the best poet/illustrator from down south. There is only 'Here be Dragons' which would fire the heart to greater flame. Unfortunately the genetic creation that would make that boast a reality may have implications far further reaching than keeping down the expected surge in the elk population.

(7:6) Heir to the throne Prince Charles is perfectly right, a lot of these new buildings look like the barely healed scabs on the penis of a very lonely character going through the Babylon 5 boxset for the twenty third time.

8: Conclusions & Further Analysis

(8:1) Not just Westminster. There must be a cabal of hedgefund managers rubbing their thighs in the manner of Vic Reeves wanting to deliver a popular song in the style of a pub singer.

(8:1a) The obvious answer to this has to be the Hot Air Balloon Replacement Service. If we are going to inconvenience travels by cancelling services, the least we can do is improve their day. Champaign, strawberries & a nice view is the very least we can offer. It is probably worth dropping a line to Richard Branson a line for any heads up on balloons & their merits.

(8:2) Shamelessly lifted from Wikipedia:

High Speed 2 is opposed by:• The 51m group, which consists of 19 local authorities

along or adjacent to the route. It suggests the project will cost each Parliamentary Constituency £51 million. Constituent members of 51m include Buckinghamshire County Council, London Borough of Hillingdon, Warwickshire County Council, Leicestershire County Council, Oxfordshire County Council, Coventry City Council and Camden Borough Council. The other

councils that have declared their opposition are Northamptonshire and Staffordshire County Councils.

• StopHS2, which represents local action groups along the route.

• The HS2 Action Alliance, an umbrella group for opposition groups including ad hoc entities, residents' associations, and parish councils. The Alliance's primary aim is to prevent HS2 from happening; secondary aims include evaluating and minimising the impacts of HS2 on individuals, communities and the environment, and communication of facts about HS2, and its compensation scheme. Even after the latest changes made to the scheme to mitigate concerns, it continues to be opposed by some MPs and personalities on the line of route. A member of the 'HS2 Action Alliance' has criticised the Department of Transport's demand forecasts as being too high, as well as having other shortcomings in the assessment methodology.

• The UK Independence Party (UKIP), which is fully opposed nationally and locally to the proposed HS2 plans. UKIP says there is no business case, no environment case and no money to pay for it. UKIP has been campaigning against HS2 as it is also part of the EU's Trans-European Transport Network (TEN-T) Policy. It had previously proposed a much larger and more expensive three-line high-speed network running from London to Newcastle (and on to Scotland), London to Bristol (and on to Wales) and London to Birmingham along with upgrading several other sections of the WCML and Scottish rail to high speed

in its 2010 manifesto.• The Green Party, which voted to oppose the HS2 plans

at its Spring 2011 conference on environmental and economic grounds. Alan Francis, the party transport spokesperson, had previously outlined its support for high-speed rail in principle in terms of benefits to capacity, reduced journey times and reduced carbon emissions, but recommended a line restricted to 300 to 320 kilometres per hour (190 to 200 mph) which would enable it to use existing transport corridors to a greater extent and increase efficiency.

• The New Economics Foundation, a think-tank promoting environmentalism, localism and anti-capitalism. It published a formal response to the public consultation on 5 August 2011 which concluded that the case for a high-speed rail link was incomplete and that the benefits of the scheme had been "over-emphasised" by its promoters.

• The Taxpayers Alliance, an anti-tax pressure group, which describes the project as a white elephant.

• The Independent newspaper, which considers the costs excessive and the benefits uncertain. An investigation published on 3 February 2013 claimed that 350 wildlife sites would be destroyed by the new HS2 line and an accompanying editorial argued that environmentalists should oppose the project. A separate investigation published on 10 March 2013 suggests that the project was unlikely to keep within its £33bn budget.

• Lord Mandelson, a supporter of HS2 when in office, admitted in July 2013 that the cost estimates were

"almost entirely speculative" and said the Labour Government had only proposed it to "paint an upbeat view of the future" during the financial crash.

• Alistar Darling, former Labour chancellor and transport secretary, withdrew support for the project, stating to go ahead would be "foolish".

• Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, has stated that the costs would spiral over £70 billion.

It is hoped that anyone on this list will help to extract the urine from the HS2 proposal.

Appendix 1:

(A1:1) Of course I had over thought & just about wrung every last bit of fun out of the idea by the time we were ready to start. Its part of the pleasure of a running gag for me but obviously can get frustrating for everybody else. I'm sure he'll come on board soon now that I've stopped pecking his head about it.

(A1:1a) Just because the Tinfoil Hat Thinktank only currently has only one member (making it more of a thinkbowl I suppose) that is not to say the royal we would not welcome applications from within the ranks of the OMRLP. If anyone else is interested I'm sure it wouldn't be too much trouble to start a mailing list or something.

(A1:2) The 'what would Reg do?' does carry a series of caveats. First off – absolutely no direct action (the PFJ do sort of come around to this when they leave Brian dangling at the end but the entire kidnapping of Pilate's wife is

beyond the pale). What would Reg do if he were a fundamentalist Fabian Loony? Could be a better question. The Fabian element reinforcing the founding concept that the group's M.O. (modus operandi, keep up) is purely dialectic. Ie. We only talk about stuff & do nowt. The force of either rational or irrational argument should be the only force employed.

(A1:3) There MUST be biscuits & cups of tea. Any meeting held without such provision may as well be hosted in a fully working medieval dungeon staffed with half monkey half crocodile creatures with hangovers.

(A1:3a) Its that final message Reg reads out to Brian on the cross ,”at what must be a very difficult time for you.”. THATS the spirit I wish to fan the flames of. To be of absolutely no use whatsoever, of those who need us, in their hour of need.

(A1:4) I say that the proposal is to be given in (like homework) at the party conference, I really have no idea as yet how these things are done. I'm sure somebody will tell me if they know.

Appendix 2:

(A2:1) I mean seriously no serious thought. That page was like some weird flow of conch shells. It was like the words were lambs gambolling from my club like finger tips. Compared with some sections which were like … dead hard to do & took ages.

(A2:3) Three? If I'd used a smaller font I'd probably use the extra space on the page to pitch a commission at the 37th

Beatle, but such is life, some of the other sections were so thin I had to use a larger font so they didn't look like tweets sent from deservedly unpopular cafes. But yeah, the boy Benn would be a handy lad. Or Boothby, his Bungee Girl song always creases me up (its not on YouTube don't bother looking). Dora Day is on YouTube though, check out her version of 'Jump Around', ground breaking stuff.

(A2:4) Or Sue Pollard. Same scene direction & costume. Hells yeah.

(A2:5) Brian Blessed. If you are anything less than in awe of this man, catch the bit on the Infinate Monkey Cage where he recites the verse he read to Sir Patrick Moore. And if you still can't see what I'm on about after that, then just walk away now before we fall out. G'wan, don't be looking back.

Appendix 3:

(A3:1) The number of lives which have been positively enhanced by her is incalculable. I know, I've tried. I'm sure a figure to the value of lots or many would be close.

(A3:2) This value is not in pounds, shilling & pence (mainly due to our adoption of the decimal system) but as a 'life asset' to the community. And as a green artery which links communities.

(A3:3) After the passing of Mo Mowlem, I struggle to find any who avoid the title of self serving fuckwit.

(A3:4) A gulf? Measured in astronomic units & possibly philosophical positions which are further apart than the mere confines of the 11 dimensions which describe our known universe presently.