Coverage Cinder Ella 12.11.10

8/2/2019 Coverage Cinder Ella 12.11.10

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Benjamin L. P. Day7742 Redlands St. Apt. D-3038 Playa Del Rey, CA 90293 E-Mail: [email protected] Phone: 515.509.1006

Screenplay Coverage Report

Title: Cinderella Rescues Prince Date: 12/11/2010

Author: N/A Read By: Benjamin Day

Form: Screenplay Submitted by: Dale Noble

Page Length: 105 Time Period(s): Present Day

Genre(s): Comdey, Romantic Comedy MPAA Rating: PG or PG-13

Location(s): Los Angeles, CA; Oklahoma;

Malaga Spain

Budget: Low

Excellent Good Fair Needs Work

Concept/Originality XXX

Plot/Storyline XX

Characters X

Dialogue X

Structure X

Cinematic Value XX

Logline: Cindy (Cinderella) is desperate to nd her prince to rescue her from small town life in Oklahoma.

When an unexpected man gets stuck in town, she may have found her prince. Not the prince she expects, she

runs away with him anyway and they both discover each isnt what they once thought.

Overall: This screenplay needs some major improvements. The premise is quite simple and the execution isnt

strong enough to overcome that fact. This is extremely evident in how the story ows and lack of strong three-

dimensional characters. Its best feature is that there are three dened acts, it just gets a bit confusing as the

reader moves from one to another.

Synopsis: Set in present day, in a rural town somewhere in Oklahoma, a waitress CINDY, works a dead end

job, in desperate search of a prince to sweep her off her feet and rescue her. After being told by her FAIRY

GODMOTHER that a prince would soon enter the picture, a man, who happens to be named PRINCE nds

himself in this desolate town. Her Fairy Godmother warns her that the Prince, despite being a movie producer

and son to the President of BANKS PICTURES, is going to need some work, hes a trust-fund baby with no

sense of responsibly who is now broke and unemployed.

After trying to escape this quite town, Prince nds himself deeply attracted to Cindy or Cinderella despite the

fact that she wants nothing to do with him. Despite being madly in love with Cindy, Prince can only think about

his friends back in Los Angeles making fun of him for picking up a country hick.

Enter BORIS, the small town bar owner from Russia with a strong Russian accent. Boris is not happy that

Prince is in town, but sees Prince as an opportunity to become his greatest fantasy, an old western movie star

like John Wayne.

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Boris, tired of Prince in town and trying to steal Cindy away from him, sets Princes limo on re and chases

him down trying to eradicate him and his driver RUSH. Rush, nding a large mail van with a pumpkin roof

picks up Cindy and Prince and whisks them back to Los Angeles.

As Act II begins, Cindy nds herself in the Big City, Los Angles, like a sh out of the water, shes anywhere but

home. Prince takes her to his beautiful castle of a home in Malibu where Cindy meets Princes uncle and aky

business partner, RIO GRANDE. Cindy is nding it very difcult understanding the language of the Big City.

Rio, who thinks Cindy is his mail-order bride, makes countless attempts to prove that he is a better man and hewill save her from the nutty man that is Prince. From beneath his balcony, both Rio and Cindy overhear Prince

pretend proposing to Cindy. Rio confronts Prince and tells him that he is in love with Cindy, Prince puts up a

ght, but per the usual, Prince backs down to his uncle.

Meanwhile, Boris has also made his way to L.A. and nds the warehouse that Princes family owns. Here, he

runs into CHARITY, the ofce manager for Banks Pictures. After trying to make Boris leave the warehouse, she

nds herself tied up as Boris makes a plan to get rich by stealing cars at Princes upcoming birthday party. By

the end of the scene, we see that Boris is nding a liking to Charity, his kupkake.

Rio decides hes going to take Cindy to Spain, to meet his fans and start their honeymoon. Cindy nds herselfdisgusted by Rios every move and bored by his sorry attempt at impressing her by telling her about shooting

his short lm. Somehow, Rio convinces her to try on an extremely revealing dress while they are having dinner.

Rio nally pulls her last straw by telling her that the dress she is wearing is actually that of a amenco dancer at

the nightclub they are at. Cindy decides shes over Rio and wants to go back to see her Prince.

Moving into Act III, Cindy realizes she might actually have feelings for Prince despite is lack of intelligence

and now money. However, when she returns to Malibu, she nds that Prince is no longer attracted to her. Cindy

and Prince have a long drawn out dialogue where Cindy nally convinces Prince she truly loves him.

This all comes to an abrupt end when Prince still cant get over the fact that Cindy is a small town girl and is

afraid his friends will still make fun of him. After eavesdropping on their conversation, Rio, runs up to Cindyand makes one last attempt at winning her over. Meanwhile, Prince goes on a binge before his party to pick up

some women. What Prince doesnt know is that Rio and Cindy are spying on him the entire time.

After realizing L.A. women only want him for his money, Prince decides to go back to his castle until his party

begins. Cindy, nally giving up on winning Princes love, decides she wants to end it all and walks into the

ocean. Charity sees what she is doing and makes an attempt to stop her. Charity is able to convince Cindy that

she and Prince need her in their lives.

Once the party begins, Cindy decides shes going to tell Rio off once and for all, however, she gets into a ght

with Rio and suddenly becomes the center of the party. Prince, watching from the distance, sees Cindy pushing

a man away from her but interprets it as her making out with another man.

When it nally seems like Cindy and Prince will never work, Fairy Godmother steps in one last time and tells

Cindy that the Prince is insecure and even his friends are enemies. When Cindy confronts Prince for the nal

time, she sees all of Princes friends ridicule him relentlessly and decides to call him out on it. Cindy nally gets

through to Prince and Prince is nally honest with Cindy.

As with all fairytale endings, Prince makes up with Rio, nds out hes not broke anymore and the Prince nally

sweeps Cindy off her feet. Cinderella gets rescued from her small town life in Oklahoma and Prince realizes he

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has to stand up for himself and gains the condence he was always lacking.

Specifc Comments:

Concept / Originality:

To be frank, this story is not very original. The concept is a story thats been told over and over for centuries. By

page three, when the shiny blacked out limo is introduced, the story is already told, the passenger in the limo is

Cindys prince, they arent going to get along (as stated by Fairy Godmother), some element (the one unknown)

is going to really separate them, but as it is a fairytale; they will all live happily ever after, END. The story was

over in three pages.

The story of a small town girl wanting to be whisked away by a fairy prince is one of the oldest stories of all

time. There needs to be something more original when it comes to Cindy, some element that makes her really

stand out and identiable as a character. To overcome a lack of originality, this screenplay needs to be extremely

character driven. Right now, shes just like an other waitress in Anytown, USA and theres no reason to want

her to have a prince, why is she alone? What happened in her past? What makes her the way she is? (More in

Characters). Having Cindy be a more identiable character could add some originality to this script. The same

thing goes for Prince, Boris and Rio.

Plot / Storyline:

The plot, as typical as it is, is probably one the stronger features of this screenplay. There are many structural

issues however that make it very difcult to follow (which are mentioned below under Structure).

Many times the storyline is simply too confusing to really be gripping or give any feeling of inticement. Its

also way too unfocused to easily follow, there are too many side stories, without enough build up that simply

becomes very distracting in the end.

There are too many elements and entire scenes even left to the readers imagination. Both scenes and charactersneed a lot better descriptions. It was hard to imagine what was going on because too much was left out. This

was especially evident with transitions, many times there would be a scene transition and it was too difcult to

know what happened, how that character ended up where they did, because too much was left for assumption.

Many scenes are simply hard to follow because the storyline isnt very clear at some points, out of focus. If

certain scenes were set up a little stronger and with greater detail, it might be easier to follow.

Take, for example, on pg. 8 when explains Vicky Lynn, not knowing Prince is under a spell, but that is never

brought up again, nor was it explained earlier. It leaves the reader wondering if Prince was under a spell, how

come it never gets brought up again and why was it only mentioned once? Then, going further with the spellthing, theres a point where it appears that Cindys outt changes into a Cinderella outt, this whole scene needs

to be addressed and at the very least, more details added, its very confusing.

On pg. 14, in the scene with Boris, stopping the limo on horseback, theres a point where it states Boris grabs

the money, but there really isnt anything earlier mentioning money the limo. This is a key point, Boris is taking

the money from Prince, yet everything is so scattered, if close attention wasnt being paid, it would get totally

overlooked. The money seems to come out of nowhere and the signicance of Boris taking that money is totally

lost. There needs to be more details surrounding the money if its going to get brought up like that.

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If the mail/postal van/jeep has a pumpkin top because the pumpkin Cindy has at the beginning of the screenplay

turns into this vehicle, than that denitely needs to be more clearly dened. Its just confusing that it states

the vehicle having a pumpkin top multiple times, yet theres never a scene where the pumpkin turns into this

vehicle.

On pg. 48, Prince has a line, Right, I feel silly calling my house to talk to you. I can just come home and talk

to you! This doesnt really make any sense because theres no point earlier describing Prince calling from the

warehouse or garage, or where ever hes calling from to talk to Cindy, scenes like these need to be thought out

more carefully and dialogue adjusted accordingly.

Theres another issue with the storyline from pg. 53-54. Rush is driving Prince out of town because Prince

believes the cops are after him. Eventually Prince gures this out and tells Rush to turn around. All of a sudden,

scene change and Rio, Prince and Boris are locked in Princes closet. How do they get there? This scene

transition needs to be more clearly explained. Again, too much left to the readers imagination, did Rush set them

up? Where they taken hostage by Boris when Rush and Prince returned? How did Rio get there?

On pg. 68 after Rio and Cindy get in a ght over the Flamencos dress, Cindy ys back to L.A. but thats

never explained. All of a sudden she is in Princes Mansion. There should be some transition, Cindy storms off

and nds a ight back to L.A. to see Prince, CUT TO Cindy standing on Princes Balcony waiting for him toturn around. When only She stands is used, again there are too many female characters not to use Cindys

name.

When Cindy lets the lobsters go on pg. 71, that entire scene needs to be described better. Again, the reader

must assume Cindy let the lobsters go because Prince asks, but it should be described in much greater detail, or

be completely left out. Maybe Prince and Cindy get in an argument and it takes them out to the beach, but as it

stands, the lobsters sliding down the utility slide is just distracting and confusing.

Continuity Issues:

1. Pg. 3 Both the driver and the passenger get out of the car and watch the tires spin, how/why

would the tires be spinning if nobody is in the car?

2. On Pg. 26, Rush picks up Cindy in a large mail van, then on pg. 27, its called the postal jeep,

if this is the same vehicle, the same name should used, if its not, it needs to be more clearly dened, its

very confusing as it stands.

Characters:

CINDY, PRINCE and RIO denitely need a lot more depth. The reader doesnt even know what age they

are, something very basic to add, CINDY (mid 30s). Its really hard to care what happens to characters that

arent relatable. Although, that sense could be created through better dialogue, there simply needs to be better

descriptions. Many characters are just found randomly in the story and its like they appear out of nowhere.

Its difcult to tell what an interesting angle is to any of the characters let alone the main characters because

there isnt any angle or depth. They seem to be regular people and theres no emotional connection to any of

them. The reader cant love or hate any of the characters because the reader knows nothing about where they

came from, what they are like, what made them the way they are. The characters have to have a history whether

its told in the screenplay or not because they are real people yet there are no real ties to who they are. Really

need to focus on solid three-dimensional characters.

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When Prince is introduced on pg. 3, it states Cindy waves at Prince, but the reader has no idea his name is

actually Prince. PRINCE needs to be introduced before his name is used or its too confusing, how would Cindy

know that was a Prince? Or his name was Prince? At this point, if Prince shouldnt be introduced, it should just

state she waves at the gentlemen in the limo. Or saying something like PRINCE (38) with a mind of a four-year-

old, is just standing staring at his stuck-in-the mud limo. Then go into Cindy waving at him.

Again on pg. 3, RUSH is just a part of the story with no introduction or description, the reader has no idea, what

he looks like, how he acts, what his relationship is with Prince other than to assume, hes the driver, but even

that isnt very clear. It just appears out of nowhere really.

VICKY LYNN is an extremely minor character and has a bigger description than Prince and Cindy, the two

main characters combined. We nd out shes a worldy older waitress and Cindys assistant. This minor

character should not have a better description than the main characters. That makes no sense, theres no need to

understand who Vicky Lynn is if we have no idea who Cindy or Prince are.

BORIS is also kind of main character whose role gets totally lost in this script. Its very unclear what he

really has to do with the story. Besides simply being introduced at the top of pg. 11, again with no description,

theres too much focus on his accent and not enough focus on his intentions, actions and overall, who he is as a

character. Then, in the middle of the same page, the reader nds out hes the bar owner and a Russian Emigree,its just too late at that point, characters cant just be randomly added to the script then described later, its too

confusing. Past act I, it is extremely unclear what his role is in act II and act III is, he causes mischief with

Charity and tries to steal cars at the party, but theres no real point and he doesnt really impact the story after

act I at all. His character needs to be developed a lot more, add scenes of him coming to L.A. him explaining

to his minions what his intentions are, telling them to put on Court Jester costumes, etc. or he should be totally

removed after Cindy moves to Malibu.

Boris and his minions or teenagers need to be developed more, they come back later in the script and dress up

as court jesters, at least thats what it appears, (if not, then who are the COURT JESTERS and where do they

come from?) Either way that needs to be explained. Its hard to remember them from the scene chasing Rush,

Cindy and Prince away in the Mail Van/Jeep because they are so minor and there are no scenes with Boris reallyinteracting with them. They shouldnt be given names or lines, however, more descriptive scenes with them

incorporated would be helpful.

It might be interesting to show Boris tracking Cindy down. He just kind of ends up in Malibu, and nds this

warehouse, but no storyline on how this guy nds Charity, knows her connection and knows that Prince is going

to have a party, or that there will be cars there to steal. Again, theres too much left for the reader to assume

with Boris. If you show him tracking Cindy down, it could add a lot to his character and show he has more

intelligence than his dialogue shows, or less, if thats whats intended.

Even CHARITY has a longer description than Cindy or Prince but her character still needs to be developed

more throughout the entire script. There is still no real reason she is in this story. Her minor role in the ashback

and later on with Boris in the warehouse gets drowned out because her role isnt clearly dened. Why does it

matter at the end that she tells Cindy she wants her to be her friend, there are no intimate scenes with her and

Cindy at all in the story, if they were best friends and then hated each other, or if they got in a huge ght, then

that scene with Cindy walking into the ocean would make sense, but as this screenplay stands presently, theres

no need or Charity to even be in this screenplay, right now, shes just a distraction.

BRIDGET is not a big enough character to have a name, just too confusing to add so many minor characters,

something like ATTRACTIVE GIRL 1 would sufce. VERONIQUE and JENNIFER dont really either, but at

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least they have multiple lines. They could each be 1, 2, and 3 and it would still make just as much sense with

less names to remember.

Again, JENNIFER is introduced to the story before her description.

YOUNG PRODUCER is perfect, he doesnt need and name and hes not given one, however, it should be in all

caps when hes introduced as he does have lines. It should be either YOUNG PRODUCER or VERY YOUNG

PRODUCER, but not both.

Dialogue:

This is the part of the screenplay that deserves the most attention. It lacks an easy ow. It doesnt really sound

like actual people conversing and many lines are simply confusing.

In most cases, the dialogue makes sense, but it doesnt seem real. It seems like this is what person A should say

then, this is what person B should say, but its not like person A is conversing with Person B. This is evident

right away with Cindys and Vickys interaction with bar patrons, it doesnt feel at all what being in a rural dive

bar is actually like.

The writer needs to gure out who these characters really are, what they would really say, and how they would

really act before even considering dialogue or its never going to feel real.

Specifc Cases:

An example of making the dialogue more realistic: from pg. 14 15, Prince is talking, then Boris shoots

at their limo, then Prince nishes what he was saying, and then, nally, he says, What did you just do?,

Prince should say, What did you just do!!! immediately after Boris shoots the tires, he wouldnt nish

his thoughts right after being shot at. These are the minor things that will make the dialogue seem more

realistic.

Some lines need to be rewritten altogether, for example, pg. 19, Cindy says, Im not your date so dontcall me at all so I took your cellphone! in context of out of context, that line simply just doesnt

make sense.

Cindy, pg. 26 currently reads, Im confused who I am around him!, should read either, Im confused

when I am around him or Im confused about who I am when Im around him. There are many lines

like this one, that simply need more thought put into them.

Structure:

There are some fundamental structural issues with this screenplay. The overall structure makes it very hard to

follow and in conjunction with the dialogue, almost impossible to follow at some points.

There are many scenes where the dialogue keeps on moving, but the scenes obviously change, however, theres

no scene change, which makes it extremely confusing to visualize where each conversation is happening,

(example #2 under Specic Formatting Comments).

Many of the scenes are simply EXT. desert, or INT. Cowboy Bar, but there needs to be more specic scene

changes because the scenes go on forever. For example, at the bottom of pg. 18, everyone is talking inside

the bar, then at the top of pg. 19, Cindy is crawling under a sink. To make it more visual and easier to follow,

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there should be a new scene description, like INT. Bar Kitchen, dirty and unsanitary, would denitely not pass

an OSHA inspection Then when Cindy is crawling under the sink, it would make sense and the reader could

clearly see what she was doing. When the scenes go on for pages and clearly multiple shots are needed, there

needs to be more descriptions.

The strongest feature of this screenplay is that each act is pretty well dened. Act I sets up the story: Cindy is in

desperate need for a prince to sweep her off her feet, she nally meets a prince, but she denitely has her work

cut out. Act II, Cindy escapes to Malibu her relationships with Prince and Rio grow and a real pull between the

two men is very evident. Act III brings the screenplay to an end with Cindy realizing Prince was right for herall along and despite some turmoil, they both realize they needed to be rescued and they live happily ever after.

That right there is the strongest part of the script as it stands.

Cinematic Value:

There could be some cinematic value to this story. Audiences love a modern day fairy tale. However, as it is

right now, its too hard to follow and lacks originality for me to actually visualize this made into a movie.

Additional Formatting Comments:

1. There are a few minor formatting issues. (Stated below)

2. Many typos and grammatical errors. Obviously, words in specic dialects were not corrected. (Stated

below)

3. More attention needs to be focused on character introductions and descriptions.

4. Better transitions.

5. More scene descriptions.

Specifc Formatting Comments:

1. Pg 3. Theres a Dont forget!, theres no name attached as dialogue, just oats in the middle of the

page.

2. Pg. 4 Rushs last line, They have not left the Limo, so there needs to be another scene change back

to Limo, or one that shows them getting out of the limo. It should not go from REGULAR #1 to RUSH

if they arent in the same actual shot.

3. Pg. 9 - Princes rst line, dialogue not centered.

4. Pg. 14 Prince is indented (mid page)

5. Pg. 20 Cindys Line, Please shut up! is centered, but the Im nor your is indented too far.

6. Pg. 21 Prince walks into the bar and says, Youre our only hope, either in the description, it should

state Prince meekly walks up to Cindy or directly under PRINCE it should read (to Cindy), its unclear

who hes talking to at that point.

7. Pg. 36 CINDY Rio laughs is not centered.

8. Pg. 52 JACKs lines need to be spaced down and JACK needs to be centered.

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9. Pg. 54 It says Cindy makes herIt should say Rio makes his bathroom needs known as Cindy isnt in

the closet and the following lines are between Rio and Boris.

10. Pg. 56 Once is indented too far.

11. Pg. 63 After Boris says, gud delete (good), its clear what he is saying and its very inconsistent

when ( translation) are used and not used such as after ve, hav, kupkake, its clear what words hes

actually saying in his Russian accent.

12. Pg. 69 PRINCEs line Its(its should have an apostrophe, doesnt in screenplay) that dress! Its so

not there! Then it continues, Not there? Its the only thing I had to wear. This should be Cindys line,

not Princes.

13. Pg. 88 Charity is indented too far.

14. Pg. 103 It shouldnt say, She stops herself from crying, manages to speak clearly, then go to Prince

dialogue right after. It should be before she speaks.

Spelling / Grammatical Errors:

1. Pg. 2 FAIRY GODMOTHER

a. They, should be Then.

b. I would add a the before women but hes

2. Pg. 3 CINDY

a. Our, should be Out

3. Pg. 4 PRINCE

a. Know, should be Knows

4. Pg. 6 Vicky Lynn turns off the music at the end, theres a hope and it should be hoping.

5. Pg. 7 VICKY LYNN

a. Should read: You need help and I DONT mean serving drinks! make it one sentence, seems

more real.

6. Pg. 8 Prince sees Cinderellas outt there are two outts back to back.

7. Pg. 13 CINDY (V.O)

a. Add stuff after mushy, or it just reads, Is all this mushy really necessary? and that doesnt ow

very well.

8. Pg. 19 VICKY LYNN

a. Loose, should be lose

9. Pg. 21 DRUNK ERNIE

a. Forgives, should just be forgive

10. Pg. 22 DRUNK ERNIE

a. Lose, should be loose Page: 8


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11. Pg. 26 CINDY

a. Good-by, should be Good-bye

12. Pg. 27 CINDY

a. Cant, should be can

13. Pg. 33 PRINCE

a. Were, should be were (times 2)

14. Pg. 42 RIO

a. Reads, how do I we would be together, there should be a know

15. Pg. 56 after RIOs rst line, it states, then putts 20 feet, what is line supposed to mean?

16. Pg. 59 CINDY

a. Believed, should just be believe

17. Pg. 60 CINDY (telephone convo.)a. You, should be youre

Final Comments:

1. I would highly recommend working with a very experienced script consultant; there are some major

structural, dialogue and character development issues that are way out of scope from a standard

coverage report. I would also focus on scene transitions.

2. Develop the main characters, needs a lot of work.

My Personal Suggestions:

1. I feel that CINDY should be introduced as SINGLE WAITRESS in the opening scene. Heres where you

can start solid character development and describe who she is, even basic things i.e. a red headed wait

ress, an attractive waitress, etc. something to give the reader a visual of Cindy. We see what kind

of person she is in the second scene in the dessert, but there needs to be some given visual descriptions

in my opinon.

2. Watch for minor things, such as at the bottom of pg. 17, its says, Drunk Ernie crawls back thru the hole

in the door. Later, we nd out Boris threw Ernie and created the hole in the door but when you

use THE is seems like the reader should already know about this hole, if you just used

thru a hole in the door, the reader wouldnt think twice.

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Coverage Cinder Ella 12.11.10