Crucial Conversations:

Getting What You Want

Chapters 6-8

Getting a grip

“You make you mad.”Once you’ve created an emotion, you can either act on it or be acted on by it. Your call!

So, how to get a grip:• Is this the only way I can react?• Would everyone react this way?• Are you faking it?

The amazing (and often stupid) brain

• Just after we observe an action by others and before we feel some emotion about it, our brain fills in “the story”– We add a perceived motive (why did they do

that?)– We also add judgment (is that a good thing or a

bad?)

See/Hear Tell a story Feel Act

“If you want improved results from your crucial conversations, change the stories you tell yourself – even while

you’re in the middle of the fray.”

Okay, but how?

Work backwards

• Notice your behavior• Identify your emotions• Analyze your story• Go back to the facts

Work backwards

• Notice your behavior– Admit it to yourself!

• Identify your emotions– Remember, emotions are complicated

• Analyze your story– open yourself up to accept the possibility of other

stories• Go back to the facts– Separate story from fact– identify pieces that just “feel” like facts

Three “clever” stories

• Victim stories – It’s not my fault– exaggerate our own innocence

Three “clever” stories

• Victim stories – It’s not my fault– exaggerate our own innocence

• Villian stories – It’s all your fault– exaggerate the other person’s guilt

Three “clever” stories

• Victim stories – It’s not my fault– exaggerate our own innocence

• Villian stories – It’s all your fault– exaggerate the other person’s guilt

• Helpless stories – There’s nothing else I can do– justifies our lack of power or inability to act

What do these have in common? They are all INCOMPLETE stories

Tell the rest of the story

• What is my role in the problem?

• Why would a reasonable, sane person do this?

• What result do I really want?

• What should I do to get these results?

The recipe

• Equal parts confidence, humility, and skill• Remember: STATE– Share your facts– Tell your story– Ask for others’ paths– Talk tentatively– Encourage testing

Breaking the violence/silence cycle

• Be sincere• Stay curious• Be patient– emotions take longer to

work through than thoughts

Skills for listening (not reacting)

• Ask to get things rolling– an invitation to talk

• Mirror to confirm feelings– don’t “take them for their word”

• Paraphrase to acknowledge the story• Prime when you’re getting nowhere– toss out your best guess on the reason behind

their actions