Crucial

Conversations Dr. K. Beard EdD CNE GNP-BC NP-C ACNP-BC

Objective

• Explore and recognize high stakes conversations

• Identify techniques that allow you to create safe powerful dialogues

• Execute a dialogue that incorporates the key principles of a crucial conversation

Crucial Conversations

• Have you ever heard a screaming match?

• A high stakes dialogue that has the potential to become emotionally charged due to opposing opinions

• Occurs when a conversation, that affects your life, differs between 2 or more individuals

• Meant to be persuasive

• Threatening one’s identity or sense of self could lead to disastrous results

Case in Point Joe Biden / Paul Ryan Vice Presidential Debate

10/11/12

Key issue: Abortion

• Ryan- “…the policy of a Romney administration will be to oppose abortion with the exceptions for rape, incest and life of the mother.”

• Biden- “I do not believe that we have a right to tell other people that, women, that they can’t control their body.”

Affirmative Action Is this a crucial conversation?

• Proponents- look at success in hiring practices, school diversity

• Opponents- look at it’s failure to eliminate racism and cause of resentment

2003

Grutter v. Bolliinger- race allowed to be considered in admission decisions

2012

Fisher v. University of Texas – suit brought against school when individual claimed she had been denied admission because of her race

Crucial Conversations

• Had the potential to get very emotionally charged like the issue over sending troops to Syria however the debate ended

• What crucial conversations have you experienced?

Conversation Pitfalls

• Silence • Some stay silent because they consider the

costs of speaking up

• Is there also a price for silence cost?

• Raising your voice • Losing your cool, becoming loud

• Remember emotions are energy in motion

• Lack of respect • Using vulgar or derogatory language, ignoring

one’s concerns, being rude

Key principles- get what you

want 1. Get unstuck- get the input of others

2. Start with the heart- what is it that you want

3. Learn to look- look for signs that it’s crucial

4. Make it Safe- know when safety is a risk

5. Master My Stories- Control negative emotions

6. State my path- Express thoughts with respect

7. Explore other’s Paths – Get other perspectives

8. Move to action – Develop a plan that allows change to occur

Adopted from Crucial Conversations

Get Unstuck

• Why do we stay silent?

• Reflect on how you successfully handled things in the past

• Consider what could happen if you do nothing

• Get the input of key individuals

Starting with Your Heart

• Ask yourself, what is it that you really want

• Use a soft entry- The issues that I want to share with you are difficult to discuss

• Be authentic- Discussing this issue is uncomfortable for me because…….

• Empathy, respect one’s dignity

• Find a place in your heart that allows you to humanize the individual: someone’s son, daughter, father, mother, sister, brother

• Identify commonalities, mutual purpose

Being Observant • You know a potentially crucial conversation

exists when

• There are different opinions

• Someone’s beliefs or values are questioned

• Someone’s role is being challenged

• Someone’s sense of self is being threatened

• Someone may feel violated (not respected, harmed)

How to Make it Safe

• Find a place in your heart that allows you to humanize the individual: someone’s son, daughter, father, mother, sister, brother

• Identify commonalities, mutual purpose

• Ask if it’s a good time and place to have the conversation

• Learn to empathize (understand and share the feelings of others. Dictionary.com)

• Respect one’s dignity (the quality or state of being worthy)

• Do not amplify negative words/thoughts

Master your story

• Being able to control negative emotions • Do not allow negative emotions to derail

you • Fear • Apathy- being indifferent, lack of

concern • Hatred • Blame • Resentment- persistent ill will • Anger Hostility

State your Path

• Know why your story is crucial

• Express it in a way that shows respect

• Be able to express the issue/concern/problem

• Share the implications

• Have a plan to help solve the concern/problem

Explore the Path of Others

• Take the time to hear the perspectives of others

• Ask them what they think about the plan

• Ask them what suggestions they have

• This validates their concerns

• Shows that you care

Move to Action

• Get others to see things from a different perspective

• Discuss how that individual’s behavior could help achieve the goal and the effect that doing nothing has

• Reach an agreement that respects the concerned parties

Helpful Hints

• Change occurs when we say things like

• What do you think about this plan

• What do you like best about this plan

• What don’t you like about this plan

• Will you please consider this plan

• Thank you for……….

• I’m proud of you for……….

Crucial Conversations • You have been promoted to unit manager. You

have been told by your director that you need to have a conversation with an employee regarding their attendance. The director wants the employee fired but has agreed to let you handle the situation the way you want. What do you do?

• Setting: Hospital

• Individual role: nurse

• Key individuals: 62 year old female who is taking care of 4 grandchildren ages 4-9 since………………………………….

Role Play

1. Identify the nurse and the nurse manager

2. Is this a crucial conversation? (persuasion, difference of opinion, threat to self)

3. Execute a dialogue that results in a mutually agreed upon plan by Using the 8 principles learned today

Key principles- get what you

want 1. Get unstuck- get the input of others

2. Start with the heart- what is it that you want

3. Learn to look- look for signs that it’s crucial

4. Make it Safe- know when safety is a risk

5. Master My Stories- Control negative emotions

6. State my path- Express thoughts with respect

7. Explore other’s Paths – Get other perspectives

8. Move to action – Develop a plan that allows change to occur

Crucial Conversations, Patterson et al (2012)

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;….

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference

Robert Frost “The Road Not Taken”

References

• Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., and Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when states are high. New York: McGraw-Hill