Crucial Conversations - University of Windsor handout - Crucial...Crucial Conversations. Best Practice Strategies for Resolving Issues in the Workplace January 26, 2017. Agenda •Welcome

Crucial Conversations

2017 Employee Engagement & Development Department of Human Resources

Crucial Conversations

Best Practice Strategies for

Resolving Issues in the Workplace

January 26, 2017

Agenda

• Welcome & Introductions

• Warm-up Activity

• Crucial/Difficult Conversation Overview

• Preparing for the Conversation

• Steps for a Successful Outcome

– Small Group Activity – Various Scenarios

• Closing the Conversation

• Some Additional Strategies

Employee Engagement & Development - Department of Human Resources 1

Warm-up Activity

• What types of issues/situations may lead to

difficult conversations in the workplace?

• From your perspective, what factors make these

conversations difficult?

What Makes a Conversation

Crucial/Difficult?

• Conversations we find hard to talk about with

another person:

– Emotions are high

– Stakes are high and

– There are opposing opinions involved

• We may be concerned about:

– The uncertainty of the outcome

– Impact on the relationship

– Power dynamicsImage source - https://i0.wp.com/joshuareich.org/wp-

content/uploads/2014/09/book3.jpg


Why Is It Important To Have These

Conversations?

Managed Conflict Unmanaged Conflict

Strengthens relationships and

promotes teamwork

Encourages open communication

and co-operative problem solving

Increases productivity

Deals with real issues and

concentrates on win-win solutions

Makes allies and diffuses anger

Airs all sides of an issue in a

positive, supportive environment

Focuses towards results

Damages relationships and

discourages co-operation

Results in defensiveness and

hidden agendas

Wastes time and resources

Focuses on fault-finding and

blaming

Creates enemies and hard feelings

Is frustrating, stress producing and

energy draining

Is often loud, hostile and chaotic

Why Is It Important To Have These

Conversations?

• Provides an opportunity for all parties to have a

better understanding of each other's

perspectives/interests.

• Helps to identify opportunities for enhancing the

working relationship.

• When an issue is ignored or left unresolved:

– it can have a negative effect on not only the parties

involved but others within the department/institution.

– often results in increased stress, anxiety, lower morale, decreased job satisfaction and strained working relationships.


What Do We Typically Do When

Confronted With These Situations?

• Avoid them

• Face them and handle them poorly

• Face them and handle them well Our goal for

today’s

session

Ingredients of Difficult

Conversations

Differing Perceptions

Assumptions About Intent

Feelings Blame


Why Do These Conversations

Tend To Fail?

• We are not prepared.• Emotions take over.• Body language sends negative signals.

Preparing For The Conversation

We Have to Talk…


Don’t Rush

• Do not engage in a conversation with your

colleague when you are angry.

• Being angry impacts your ability to use rational,

problem-solving skills.

• Take the time to cool down, reflect on the

situation at hand and identify actions for moving

forward.

Analyze the Situation

• Determine the issue(s) from your perspective

and the other person's perspective.

• Determine your and the other person’s interests

(needs, fears, wants, concerns about the issue).

• Determine whether or not this is a conversation

worth having.

– Is there a more effective way to address the issue?

– Should you just let it go because the issue is not

important enough? Or the risks are greater than any

possible gain?


Questions to Consider

• What do you hope to achieve by having this

conversation?

• What assumptions are you making about the

person’s intentions/behaviours?

• What is your perception of the situation?

• How would the other person interpret the

situation?

• What are your needs and fears related to the

situation and the conversation?

• What are the needs of the other person?

Questions to Consider

• Have you contributed to the situation? If yes,

how?

• What might be some examples of options to

explore to solve the situation at hand?

• What “buttons” of yours are being pushed?

• Does your attitude towards the conversation

influence your perception of it? If so, how?


Work on Yourself

• In order for the conversation to be effective, you

will need to stay in charge of:

– Yourself

– Your purpose

– Your emotional energy

• Identify strategies for keeping a calm and

centered state throughout the conversation.

Steps For A Successful

Outcome

We Need to Talk


Four Steps

Inquiry

Acknowledgement

Advocacy

Problem Solve

Step 1 – Opening & Inquiry

• Make it safe to talk.

– Embrace a mutual purpose

– Offer mutual respect

• Describe the purpose (mutual understanding,

problem solving).

• Talk about the need to work together to

determine how to move forward.

• Focus on contribution not blame.


How do I Begin the Conversation?

Examples:

• I have something I would like to discuss with you

that I think will help us work together more

effectively.

• I think we have different perceptions about….. I would like to hear your thoughts on this.

• I would like to talk about……… I think we may

have different ideas about how to……..

Step 1 - Inquiry

• Share your facts and tell your story.

– What you observed the other person say/do (actions)

– How that felt (impact)

– The assumptions about intentions (label them as

assumptions)

Example:

“I felt attacked when you criticized my project in the team

meeting. Because you did not share them with me before, I

I assumed you wanted to humiliate me in front of the

group.”


Step 1 – Inquiry

• Invite the other person to share their

perspective.

• Pretend that you don’t know anything and try to

learn as much as possible about the other

person’s perspective, interests, point of view.

• Don’t only focus on the words said.

– Watch for body language

– Listen for unspoken energy - What does he/she really

want?, What is he/she not saying?

Step 1 – Inquiry

• Focus on areas of common ground without loosing sight of differences/opposing interests.

• Don’t interrupt, listen actively.

• Respond, not defend.

• Don’t take things personally – be prepared for

an emotional reaction/push back.


Use Positive, Non-Blaming

Communication

• State your position using “I” statements

• Avoid “you” statements- they sound accusatory

and blaming.

“ You just keep on rumbling on an on” versus “I am not

understanding you. Help me to hear what I am missing”

• Use tentative language.

“ It looks to me….”, It appears to me”….

• Avoid “why” questions.

“Why did you say that?”

Key

Techniques

Use Active

Listening Techniques

• Ask open-ended questions to encourage further

discussion and explanation.

– Tell me more…, Help me understand…

• Paraphrase to ensure the accuracy of the

message heard (clarity).

• Use non-verbal encouragers.

– nod of the head or positive facial expressions

• Use verbal minimal responses.

– “Uh-huh”

• Summarize the conversation.


Small Group Activity

• As a group draft the following for the scenario selected:

– A common purpose.

– Your opening statement.

– Your story (Action, Impact, Assumptions) – be

concise.

– Two (2) open-ended questions that you may ask

during the conversation to understand the other

person’s perspective.

Scenarios

A. Your supervisor has advised you of a decision

related to a project you are working on. You

disagree with his/her decision and want to point

out the errors/risks associated with the

decision.

B. Your colleague has accused you of treading on

his/her perceived turf. You believe that both

roles are ambiguous.


Scenarios

C. You presented your preliminary research

findings to your colleagues and requested their

feedback. You believe that you were

unjustifiably attacked by one of your colleagues

who picked on your work and did not provide

any constructive feedback.

D. You share an office space with a colleague.

From your perspective he/she is very

disrespectful. His/her behaviours/actions are

impacting your ability to focus and get your

work done.

Step 2 - Acknowledgement

• Summarize and paraphrase to ensure you “got it

right”.

“So what you are saying is…..”

• Show that you have heard and understood their

position. It does not mean that you agree with it.

• Words that acknowledge the other person’s

perspective can help bridge differences.

“I hear what you are saying”

• Acknowledge the other person’s feelings.

“I can see how this situation made you feel frustrated”


Small Group Activity

For the scenario selected, as a group draft:

• A common purpose.• Your opening statement.• Your story (Action, Impact, Assumptions) – be concise.• Two (2) open-ended questions that you may ask during the conversation to understand the

other person’s perspective.


Step 3 - Advocacy

• Once the perspectives/positions have been

expressed and acknowledged, clarify your

position without minimizing the other person’s

position.

“From what you have shared, I can see how you have

come to the conclusion that I am not a team player. And

I think I am. When I introduce problems about a project

in a meeting, I don’t mean to be a critic, though perhaps

I sound like one. Maybe we can talk about how to

address these issues so that my intentions are clear.”

Step 3 - Advocacy

• Adopt the “yes and” stance.

– Validate that both your view of the situation and the

other person’s view have value and that you don’t

have to choose which one is right.

“ I now understand that you walked away from the

meeting feeling isolated and lonely. I also walked away

feeling unheard and dismissed. Now that we

understand each other, what’s a good way to resolve

the issue?”


Step 4 – Problem Solving

• Brainstorm possible solutions for moving forward.

• Ask the other person what he/she thinks might work.

• Find something in his/her idea that you like and

build on it.

• If the discussion becomes adversarial again, go back to inquiry. Ask the other person for their point of view.

Step 4 – Problem Solving

• Focus on identifying sustainable solutions.

• Assess the options identified and reach

agreement on the one that would work best.


Closing the Conversation

• Make a commitment to meet in an agreed period

of time to “check in”.

• Thank the other person for talking with you.

Some Additional Strategies

• GE Foundation Workplace Skills Program.

Module 8 “Having Difficult Conversations,

Participant Booklet. Pages 31-33.


Strategies for Difficult Conversations

1. Stop arguing about who’s right. Explore each other’s story. Arguing is not helpful, it

simply increases anger, hurt, and frustration and interferes with the clarity of your

thinking.

2. Avoid thinking that “they are the problem.” Catch yourself thinking “they are selfish,

they are controlling” and remember “they have their own story.”

3. Acknowledge the different stories during the conversation. We each take in different

information, which become our observations. We then reach our own conclusions

based on different interpretations.

4. Move from “I’m right” to “I’m trying to understand.” People almost never change

without first feeling understood. To get anywhere in a disagreement we need to

understand the other person’s story well enough to see how their conclusions make

sense.

5. Never assume you know a person’s intention. It is a critical and common mistake

when people are trying to resolve their disagreement. Our assumptions are frequently

wrong and we often think the worst when engaged in discussing tension points in a

relationship.

6. Abandon blame. It is more important to understand how each person contributed to

creating the problem. Blame is often a big issue in many difficult conversations.

Focusing on blame usually limits our ability to learn what is really causing the problem.

Blame is about judging and looking to the past. We need to focus on understanding

and looking forward for solutions.

GE Foundation Workplace Skills Program. Module 8 “Having Difficult Conversations, Participant Booklet. Pages 31-33.


7. When there is a need to have a difficult conversation with someone, there are always

ways in which you contributed to the problem. Both people must talk about and take

responsibility for how they are contributing to the conflict.

8. People need to identify their feelings during difficult conversations. Recognizing our

feelings is often challenging and more of a problem than people acknowledge.

Feelings are very good at disguising themselves, especially those feelings that create

discomfort.

9. Many of us cannot identify our own feelings because we have learned somewhere

along the line that the feelings of others are more important than ours. Avoid this

thinking trap. Expressing your feelings is as important as understanding their

emotions.

10. Encourage the other person to express their feelings before you start down the road

of problem solving.

11. The path to changing your feelings is through changing your thinking. As long as you

continue to think that someone is intentionally trying to hurt you this thinking will

greatly influence your feelings. It is important to monitor your thinking and check the

assumptions you are making.

12. We all have our hot buttons or sensitivities that can trigger quick reactions. It is

important for you to know your hot spots and try to remain calm and stay balanced

when someone pushes your buttons.

13. If the stress or tension is rising during your conversation, take a break and regroup.

Talk with one another about what’s happening at the time (tension rising or an

impasse) and come back to the conversation later.


14. Beware of one-sided and “either-or” thinking. This is where people fall into the trap of

the solution needing to be either ________ or ________. Also, the solution has got to

be ______________. This way of thinking is about winning or losing.

15. If you find yourself hesitating to engage in a difficult conversation, examine what is

going on inside your own personal story. Our stories create meaning for us and strong

feelings or judgments. Get in touch with these feelings and closely examine your story.

16. Try to reach a win-win agreement on the solution to the problem. Do not assume

silence or going along with suggestions is an agreement. Schedule a follow-up meeting

to talk to the other person about what’s changed related to the agreement.


Resources Consulted

Articles and Practical Guides (retrieved from various websites)

• GE Foundation Workplace Skills Program. Module 8 “Having Difficult

Conversations, Participant Booklet.

• Government of Alberta. Let’s Talk. A Guide to Resolving Workplace

Conflicts, 2007.

• Judy Ringer. We Can Talk: A Step by Step Checklist for Difficult

Conversations”, 2005.

• Ohio State University. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters

Most.

• Rachael Robertson.10 Tips For Having That Difficult Conversation.

• Teresa Oliszewicz. Crucial Conversations: Communicating When Tension is

High and Results are Needed.

• Vancouver Island University. Guide to Workplace Conflict.


Documents

Crucial Conversations - University of Windsor handout - Crucial...Crucial Conversations. Best Practice Strategies for Resolving Issues in the Workplace January 26, 2017. Agenda •Welcome