Day by day issue 4

1 | Day by Day

issue 4

Advice

and support

when you

need it

Forgetmenot Publishing

Moving pictures Art therapy at the

end of life

L i v i n g b e y o n d g r i e f

BEST FOOTFORWARDHow walking can help with grief

WITH DEEPESTSYMPATHYFinding the rightwords of condolence

LIVE WELL,DIE WELLAdvice from Dying Matters

SUPPORT FOR THE BEREAVED FUNERAL PLANNING GUIDANCE & INSPIRATION FRIENDS WHO CARE

Cover photo: ©Antonia Rolls

Day by Day

If it’s the last thing you ever do – making a bucket list ● Organ donation: the ultimate bequest ● Our expert answers your questions ● Living through the loss of a baby: a mother’s story ● Legal matters: lasting power of attorney

www.aboutthefuneral.com

The independent UK funeral comparison & review siteBecause they’re not all the same

Day by Day | 3

Editor’s Letter

Day by Day is published by Forget Me Not Publishingc/o Lifethreesixty Limited, St Line House, Cardiff CF10 5LR

Tel: 029 2029 1704 Advertising: [email protected]

Features editor: [email protected]

Sponsored by:

Caring issue for a carer’s issue

All profits from advertising go to the charities we support.

R ecently I interviewed the vibrant hospital chaplain

Reverend Carol Taplin to learn more about her role. I don’t personally follow a faith tradition, but through my previous voluntary and work experience I do fully appreciate the comfort and support people get from it, particularly in bereavement.

Carol is the lead chaplain for Families & Therapies division, caring for women and children in the Aneurin Bevan University Health Board and based at the Royal Gwent Hospital in Newport, South Wales. People have so many needs and Carol sees taking a practical approach as an essential part of her work as a chaplain.

Maternity is often needing clothing for premature and new born babies. Carol’s call-out for donations sees a lady arrive this particular morning in the chaplaincy office with the offer of baby clothes, some of which were new or hardly used. Carol gratefully accepts and assures the lady she will deliver them to the maternity wards.

Carol has been involved in and around healthcare since her teens. One of her brothers died when she was 4 years old and for some years her father would take gifts to Great Ormond Street.

“I thought it was him just being a kind dad, and then realised it was his way of memorialising Andrew, who we lost. I suppose it’s how I’m wired.”

What can we do to help others? As Carol says, “If I say to you I care about you, you can hear it, but if I do something for you” [placing her right hand on her heart] “you can hear it here.”

We all have the capacity to give in some form, a listening ear, a helping hand. By offering to do something small, we can make a huge difference to someone.

Kim [email protected]

@daybydaytalk

Day by Day | 19

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Bereavement support for the over 60's

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4 | Day by Day

Wedding charity offers togetherness for the dying

A new charity launched last month to gift wedding services to people who have a terminal or life-shortening illness, regardless of age, gender, race or religion.

The Gift of a Wedding is looking to promote and protect the physical and mental wellbeing of terminally ill adults in the UK. By providing wedding services, the charity aims to bring together not just the happy couple, but the wider family. The products and services provided by Gift of a Wedding are free of charge to those whose applications are accepted.

Day by Day TALK

The Chaplaincy and Employee Well-Being Services at the Royal Gwent Hospital in Newport, South Wales, have devised an excellent programme for their staff entitled ‘Grief Journey’, which helps further their understanding of grief and how best to support patients, friends, family and themselves.

If you’re a care professional and would like to know more about theprogramme, contact

[email protected]

This collection brings together 30 short stories and poems about dying and bereavement.

Written by mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, wives, husbands and dying people, these moving pieces talk honestly about how it feels to care for someone who is dying, to grieve for a loved one, and to face death oneself.

A candid story about a daughter's relationship with her mother's carer; an internal monologue on dementia; a deeply moving poem about losing a son to cot death; and a heartfelt story about a mother's end of life are some of the poignant pieces included. This collection provides an opportunity to think and talk about death and dying, too often a taboo subject, and offers readers the rare comfort and support of shared experience.

“At some point we will all face that inevitable terminus, the end of life. I think you will find that by facing that implacable fact, Final Chapters makes this shared prospect less daunting and therefore perhaps, more bearable as well.” Jonathan Dimbleby, chair of Dimbleby Cancer Care.

Book review: Final Chapters: Writing About the End of Life

Professionals from the wedding, medical and charity sectors have come together to create this new, unique service.Any business wishing to donate goods and services will be vetted, so recipients of the weddings can be secure in the knowledge that they will receive the best wedding products and services.

Find out more http://bit.ly/dxdgoaw

Understanding and surviving grief for the caring professions

LibraryIn THE

Editor'schoice

Kim Bird thinks very highly of this book and would like to offer a free copy to the first three readers who email her a request:[email protected]

Local appeals raised more than £50,000 for Marie Curie

Two local campaigns successfullybrought in more than £50,000 for Marie Curie, the charity that provides nursing services to people who are terminally ill with cancer.

Community fund-raisers in Derbyshire raised £31,548 in a campaign during March, while a group of artists in Scot-land pledged to auction some of their work to raise £20,000 for nursing care in the west of Scotland.

If you would like to help raise fundsfor Marie Curie Cancer Care andwould like some inspiration on whatto do and how to plan the event, takea look at the charity’s helpfulFundraising My Way page.

Visit http://bit.ly/dxdfrmw

• Relaxandrecharge Being away from things restores con-centration levels and reduces fatigue, whilst natural surroundings give the brain the right kind of sensory stimulation to relax and restore attention levels.

• HavefunwithfriendsandfamilyResearch has found that we are 83% more likely to get together with others for social activities in areas that contain trees and grass, compared to urban environments with little greenery.

• Feelevenbetteraboutyourself Just by visiting an NGS garden you are raising money for some of the UK’s biggest health charities.

For the latest list of NGS garden events over the coming months visit

http://bit.ly/dxdngsopen

We Remember...

Sue Townsend has died at 68 after a short illness.

Best known for the Adrian Mole series of children’s books, Townsend was cheerful, funny and self-effacing to the end of her life.

Her health was severely compromised by diabetes, diagnosed in 1980, which was to leave her blind. Townsend spent her last years wheelchair-bound. These and other health issues rarely clouded her public persona, nor did they darken her work, a comic series which traced the life and times of Adrian Mole from adolescence to middle age.

Sue Townsend acknowledged something of her life in that of her central character, whose adventures were set in Leicester, the city where the author was born and lived her whole life.

Part of the books’ appeal was that while they focused on the inner world of an awkward and easily embarrassed male, they also reflected the outer world of contemporary Britain. Future historians chronicling the years from Margaret Thatcher to Tony Blair would do well to start with the diaries of Adrian Mole.Townsend’s easy style and deft touch – and her success – make it easy to overlook her literary skill. Louise Moore, managing director of Michael Joseph, told the Daily Telegraph: “Sue was a comic genius. I watched her write many times, and I don’t use those words lightly.

“Her precision, clarity and sentence structure were simply perfect and that is why her words ring so true and are so very, very funny. “

Sue Townsend’s premature death also means the life of her comic creation has been cut tragically short. Adrian Mole was set to appear as a 45 year-old in the novel she was working on when she died.

Townsend’s many fans will feel both losses keenly.

Sue Townsend1946-2014

Day by Day | 5

Gardens of calmThis June the National Gardens Scheme (NGS) is hosted the NGS Festival Weekend where private gardens all over England and Wales opened their gates to the public. The festival raised much-needed funds for health charities including Carers Trust, Macmillan Cancer Support, Marie Curie Cancer Care and Parkinson’s UK.

Health psychologist and expert on the benefits of outdoor spaces, Dr Kathryn Thirlaway supported the festival. Shebelieves that taking time out in a garden reduces stress levels, helps beat a bad mood and recharges mental batteries. “Just being in gardens promotes relaxation and a sense of calm and aids stress man-agement, including recovery from work-related stress,” says Dr Thirlaway.

Six great reasons to spend time in the garden:

• Beatabadmood Being out in the fresh air and sun-shine can help counter anxiety and lift your mood, whilst moderate exercise in green spaces has been shown to be as successful as medication for treating depression.

• Boostself-esteem Five minutes of gardening and other forms of “green exercise” can reduce tension and provide a rapid boost to how you feel about yourself and the world around you.

• Reducestress Looking at a garden can lower stress levels in less than five minutes. Just the sight of natural greenery prompts a relaxation response in our brain that doesn’t occur when we look at urban scenery.

6 | Day by Day

As people walk they talk, commenting on points of interest. They start

socialising and sharing feelings; they start communicating. Once a person struck by grief starts to open up, the healing process can begin.

Simon Barnett, director of walking development at the Ramblers, said: “Everyone copes with bereavement in different ways, but we’ve heard from many of our members just how helpful walking can be, providing them with the solace to work and walk through their grief.”

“There’s nothing like a beautiful view on a coastal stroll or countryside amble in the fresh air to help lift the spirits, and exercise often helps to improve your mood,” he adds.

There are many walking groups specifically for those who are experiencing trauma or grief. These groups offer time to be with others who are grieving - sharing experiences and supporting one another. The wonderful thing about these organised groups opposed to walking alone is that each walk is accompanied by trained, experienced bereavement volunteers, who are able to provide support when needed.

Joining a walking group has another benefit too. Simon believes that by joining a friendly group to go out and walk with, you will also have a purpose to get out of the house and do something active. Not having the time and date of a walk planned can make it all too easy to put off, but knowing others will be expecting you will make you more likely to stick to the plan.

HealWalking to

Wellbeing SUPPORT

Take a stroll to www.ramblers.org.uk for more information on a walking group near you.

Walking is a very understated yet powerful form of healing. Not only does it provide numerous physical benefits but it is now a widely practiced method within bereavement support groups to help those grieving.

6 | Day by Day

Top eight health benefits of walking every day (from a Tesco Healthy Living study):

1 It strengthens your heart

2 It lowers disease risk

3 It keeps weight in check

4 It can help prevent dementia - according to Age UK, older people who walk six miles or more per week could avoid brain shrinkage and so preserve memory as the years pass.

5 It can help prevent osteoporosis

6 It boosts your vitamin D levels

7 It gives you energy, boosts circulation and increases oxygen supply your body

8 It makes you happy - a survey by the charity Mind found 83 percent of people with mental health issues look to exercise to help lift their mood. For greatest benefit, they say, get active outdoors and somewhere green.

“�These�groups�offer�time to be with others who are grieving”

Day by Day | 7

Would you like to help others after your death? As well as improving the lives of the recipients, their family and friends, it can bring comfort to your loved ones.It is important you think about whether this is something you’d like to do. You can find lots of information on NHS Blood and Transplant’s organ donation website or by contacting the organisation’s Donor Line.

It is vital that you let those closest to you know about your decision, as if you die in circumstances where donation is possible your next of kin could be asked to support your decision to be a donor, but if you’ve never discussed it, how will they know?

There are currently around 7,000 people in the UK on the waiting list for a transplant. This figure changes constantly as people join and leave the waiting list and there are many more patients than this who need a transplant. On average three people

a day die in the UK in need of a transplant because there are not enough organs available.

Anyone who wants to help others after their death should join the NHS Organ Donor Register by visitingwww.organdonation.nhs.uk or by contacting 0300 123 23 23.

Let your loved ones know about your decision and if you are ever a potential organ or tissue donor they will know what you would have wanted. This would remove the burden of your families having to make this decision at a difficult time.

Fewer than 5,000 people each year die in circumstances where they can donate their organs, so the NHS needs to ensure that every potential donor who wants to donate is not prevented from doing so because they've not told their family.Anyone can register on the NHS Organ Donor Register. Age is not a barrier. You can also register if you have an illness or long-term condition.

Most organ donors are patients who die as a result of a brain haemorrhage, severe head injury, or stroke and who are on a ventilator in a hospital intensive care unit. Patients who die in hospital but are not on a ventilator can, in some circumstances donate some organs.There are very few barriers to tissue donation which is the gift of tissue such as corneas, skin, bone, tendons, cartilage and heart valves to help others. Most people can donate and unlike organs, it may be possible to donate tissue up to 48 hours after a person has died.

NHS Blood and Transplant wants as many people as possible who want to help to be able to do so. Then we can save and transform more lives.

Day by Day | 7

Organ donation: the ultimate bequest

There is a lot to consider when thinking about end of life but have you thought about organ and tissue donation? An organ

donor can save and transform up to nine lives and a tissue donor can potentially help dozens of people.

Practical SUPPORT

It’s quick and easy to join the NHS Organ Donor Register. Visit www.organdonation.nhs.uk or call 0300 123 23 23 and then share your donation decision with your family and friends.

8 | Day by Day

It never occurred to me to paint dying people before the death of my partner Steve, in 2007. Within months, I watched him change from a healthy, funny, outdoors man to a thin, jaundiced, confused and remote shadow of himself. As an artist, I turned to painting him to try and make sense of this terrible thing, to try to hold on to him and remember everything about the journey as it unfolded.

From these paintings of Steve as he was dying, and after he had died, came the exhibition A Graceful Death. I showed them first in my home, in 2009. I did not expect people to like them, nor to understand why I had done them, but I was surprised. It seems everyone is affected by loss, and recognised their own stories in the paintings. From this first exhibition came requests to paint other people. Now the exhibition has many portraits of normal people, showing us how they are dying and what they think about it.

Painting the dying is an honour. By the time I work with someone, they understand that death is a possibility, or a certainty, with their condition. I ask my sitters two questions: Who are you? And what do you want to say?

Because I am neither friend nor family, I can ask difficult questions. Being seen and heard when you are dying is very important. My sitters have much to say, and they are experts on their own dying.

Art can play a huge part to support those who are at end of life and the bereaved. Art therapy is now a recognised form of

healing, but you don’t need to take up painting to benefit. Being a subject can also help the dying and those close to them to come to terms with their situation, according to Antonia Rolls.

Cover Story

A dying art

The support and help of the families is essential. In the case of the motor neurone disease sitters I worked with, the families became part of the final works. They were part of the filmed interviews that accompany the exhibition, and part of the stories that accompany the images of the sitters.

They know that they are helping others by telling their stories and letting their image be seen.

And the image I paint is real. I don’t make them look better or worse, I paint them as they really are, now, because that is their truth. As with Steve, they are still themselves, and as important now as when they were well.

When someone is dying, their world narrows down. At some point, it becomes about the room they are in, and what is in that room. To be asked to become public, to be asked to tell their story, to know that they are helping others simply by being in this dying state, can be very affirming.

Day by Day | 9

Caroline was a friend who helped me organise the A Graceful Death exhibition. She was a nurse, an educator,

a teacher, a mentor – she was interested in everything, active all the time. In 2011 she emailed me to say that she had a very advanced cancer. She agreed to be a part of the exhibition but now as a subject, and was full of ideas for what she would say. About two months after that email, Caroline asked to see me on my own in the hospice. When I arrived she was extremely excited. She told me she understood space and time, she even drew me a diagram. As she explained it all to me, I was afraid that I didn’t understand a word of it. I was due to go back to discuss what she would say to accompany her portrait the next day, but that night Caroline ran full tilt out of life. She died, quite suddenly, too early, surprising everyone, in the early hours. We had agreed to use this image of her, and the words to go with it are about our last meeting. Her partner Bette, who I only met as Caroline was dying, remains a close friend.

Day by Day | 9

Mike was recommended to me by a friend and colleague who met him at a Macmillan Centre. Mike has motor neurone disease, and is still alive though deteriorating monthly. Mike cannot speak, and can only move his finger and hand. He has a computer with which he communicates. As an ex deputy headmaster, he has a fine mind and a quick wit. The words on Mike’s portrait are the first words he tapped out to greet me when I met him on the unit, which made us all laugh. Mike’s wife Michelle has worked with me and Mike, and with this portrait, I have a filmed interview of us all talking about living and dying with MND. Mike taught me that you must take time to communicate with him. His body is paralysed but his mind is sharp. It takes a long time for him to tap out a reply and you must sit in silence until he has finished. You have to learn to give time and attention; he knows when you are not. Mike remains an active and valuable member of the exhibition.

Find out more about A Graceful Death by visiting Antonia’s website: www.agracefuldeath.blogspot.co.uk

Caroline

Mike

10 | Day by Day

Living through the loss of a baby: a mother's story by Mel Scott

through quite a process in the three days in hospital. From numbness and fear, I gradually got to know my son, I didn’t want to let him go. I slept cradling him. I called staff to hold him when I went to the bathroom.

At some point I had to go home.

The very special bereavement midwife came to see me. She stayed after her shift ended, and helped me. She suggested taking some photos and captured the most emotional images I have seen.

She gently let me know that I would need to go home the next day – and asked me what I wanted my last memory to be. I broke down. I cried as I told her I just wanted to be his Mum.

She helped me plan our goodbye. I undressed Finley and got him ready for bed.

I sat with my son in my arms for the last time. And I read him a story.

I placed him gently in his cot, asked a midwife to stay with him. And we left the hospital.

Three became two again.

Those moments have shaped and changed my life. I soon learnt that not everyone gets the chance to make memories. In the four years since my life stopped, a new life began.

Finley lives on, in everything I write, every time I share my story. He has made a difference to many strangers’ lives. People treasure what’s precious because of him.

He called our families. We had lots of visitors come, and many beautiful, raw, painful images were taken. I am so grateful to my friend for taking this photograph. It is the only family photograph we have.

Like any other, it shows the moment two become three. Look closer and the pain and shock is clear to see.

On that first morning, midwives helped my husband to bathe and dress our son. I am so, so blessed that someone recorded these moments for us. I have been able to watch those tender moments. I’ve seen my husband tenderly meet his son and discover they share the same ears.

Finley’s hands and footprints were taken. We also have a clay impression of his feet. We dressed Finley in several different outfits, all of which were photographed. It’s so hard to explain the things that we did. I couldn’t tell you why we did them – except that someone had told us we would never have this chance again. Some people have a lifetime of moments; we were witnessing a lifetime in a moment.

My Mum asked me when I first woke up if I wanted to hold my son, I am ashamed to say that at first I didn’t want to. I’m glad I did. I went

10 | Day by Day

2 August 2009. 6.13am. That was the exact time that my life stopped.

We found out we were pregnant again.

It had never really occurred to me that a baby could die. I’d had a miscarriage at a very early stage the year before and brushed it off as best I could.

I was a bit worried, but once we passed twelve weeks I relaxed. Finally at forty-one and a half weeks pregnant, I thought my waters had broken. I went off to hospital, a mixture of excitement and nervousness, with no idea what was about to happen.

When I got to hospital, they examined me and there were signs that things may need to be carefully monitored, so I was admitted to hospital. As I wasn’t in labour, my husband was sent home. A few hours later I was worried and asked to be checked. And things changed.

My baby’s heart beat kept dropping. I was rushed into theatre for a caesarean. The last memory I have is a rubber mask being placed over my face and a tear rolling down my cheek.

I woke up and was told that I had a son, but that he hadn’t woken up. I remember a slip back into blissful unconsciousness. I was given morphine and my memories of the rest of that day are vague.

My husband joined me. I cannot imagine what it was like to arrive at hospital, to the news your wife had had surgery and your son had died.

From the heart...living beyond grief

Day by Day | 11

Caring friend

in your own wordsHowever difficult a sympathy note is to write, it provides a way to express your love, support and friendship to others when they need it the most. Don’t just buy a card with a pre-written message. A heartfelt message of your own will be treasured and play a big part in the healing process.

Other words of comfort:

• Wearethinkingofyouduringthisdifficulttime

• Withdeepestsympathy

• Mysinceresympathy

• Ourwarmestcondolences

• Withheartfeltcondolences

• Wearedeeplysorrytohearaboutthedeath of [name]

• [Name]willremaininourheartsforever

• Wesharecomfortinknowing[name]isnolongersuffering. We send thoughts of sympathy and support to you as you begin your journey without him/her

• [Name]broughtsomanygiftstoourlife. We will never forget him/her

• Wishingyoupeacetobringcomfort,courageto face the days ahead and loving memories to forever hold in your hearts.

Ignore any of these if there is something else you feel you should say. Sincere expressions of love and support will always provide some comfort – and all the more so if they are in your own words.

Finally, don’t be afraid to offer some assistance at the end of the note. The bereaved may need practical help as much as emotional support.

However, do not leave it open ended. The grieving person may not be able to think clearly about ways that you can help or may feel a burden asking in the future. Suggest things that you can do and times when you are available: “I am usually up early/late, if you want someone to talk to” or “I go to the supermarket every Thursday if you would like me to get you anything”.

Here are some tips

on writing a condolence card:

Day by Day | 11

A handwritten message, including your personal memories of the deceased, will be cherished. If possible share a story about a particular moment you shared.

Make sure that you use the name of the person who has died. The bereaved will of course want to forget the pain of the loss but never the person.

If someone has died after suffering a long illness, it is appropriate to acknowledge the illness.

If you did not know the deceased well you can still make the note personal, for example by saying: "I know how much you loved your Aunt and from what you

have told me, she sounded like a remarkable woman".

Keep the message simple if you don't know either the bereaved or the deceased well. "Thinking of you and wishing you comfort at this time of loss."

12 | Day by Day

This year marked the fifth anniversary of the Dying Matters Coalition, set up by the National Council for Palliative Care to break society’s taboo about talking about dying, death and bereavement.

As part of our work we’re encouraging people across England and Wales to consider taking practical steps to make their wishes known while there’s still time so they can live well and die well.

1 WRITE A WILL

Writing a will allows you to set out who gets what after you die – but only just over a third of British adults currently have one. If you have children your will should include names of guardians who would care for them if you were to die. It’s also the only way you can be sure that your wishes are carried out and avoids leaving difficult legal problems behind for your family. Look out for free will writing services offered by charities or reduced rates offered by solicitors as part of Will Aid each November.

2 RECORD YOuR FunERAL WISHES

You may already know if you would want to be buried or cremated, but what about the other things you do or don’t want? Planning ahead can save your family and friends the stress of trying to guess what you would have wanted. Crucially, make sure you let those close to you know your

funeral wishes – leaving instructions in your will is likely to mean they won’t be known about until it’s too late. Download a copy of Dying Matters’ My Funeral Wishes form to help you www.dyingmatters.org/page/my-funeral-wishes

3 PLAn YOuR FuTuRE CARE AnD SuPPORT

You don’t have to be ill or dying to think what you would or wouldn’t want. Do talk to your family as well as health and care professionals, including your GP, about the care that is right for you. And, remember, you can change your mind about what you would want. You may also want to consider making an advance care plan, in case you can’t make decisions yourself in the future.

4 COnSIDER REgISTERIng AS An ORgAn DOnOR

You could save or transform lives after your death by registering as an organ donor. Whatever your wishes, remember to let those close to you know about them.

5 TELL YOuR LOVED OnES YOuR WISHES

Talking about dying is rarely easy but it can allow you and those close to you to get on with making the most of life. Dying Matters has produced a wide range of resources to support you in having these discussions. And, remember, if you do have important documents about your wishes, keep them in a safe place and let loved ones know where they are.

To help you prepare and to find out more about our work do visitwww.dyingmatters.org or call 08000 21 44 66Twitter @DyingMatters #YODO

you only die once, so do it well

By Joe Levenson

Joe Levenson is director of communications for the Dying Matters Coalition and the National Council for Palliative Care

Planning AHEAD

Day by Day | 13

bucket list*Making a

Everyone has a bucket list, even if it is just thoughts

about things that you would love to do one day. However, it only becomes a true bucket list when it is written down. A recent study by Travel Supermarket showed that the average age of people drawing up a bucket list is 32 and that over half of us now have a formal list.

Committing your list to paper allows you to give your lifetime ambitions some thought and also turns your dreams in to goals.

Buy a note pad specifically for your bucket list. This will make it real.Write down everything you would like to do in your lifetime from travel, learning and experiences to personal goals and purchases. Don’t be concerned about reality at this stage; just let your creativity run wild.

Leave the list for a few days and then sit down with a friend and go through each item. Remove the really impossible tasks and revise highly unlikely ones to make them more achievable. Be careful not to remove the tasks that on the surface appear unobtainable but which could be achieved with careful planning, determination and courage. That is the point of a bucket list.

* Bucket list: “a number of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime”.

Re-write your final list in sections covering easy, harder and really challenging items. By sorting your list in this way, you can begin with the easier items and start crossing things off.

Remember that your list is never finished. As you go through life you will find things to add. Perhaps you will also want to remove things that are no longer a dream or aspiration.

The research also revealed that catching a glimpse of the Northern Lights is the top travel experience for Britons compiling a bucket list of must-see destinations before they die. Others in the top five are: visiting the pyramids at Giza, driving along Route 66 in the United States, walking on the Great Wall of China and going on safari in Africa.

Learn to speak another language

Learn to play an instrument

Write a book

Parachute from a plane

Visit where your parents grew up

Test drive a Ferrari

See a Broadway show

Re-connect with a friend you haven't talked to in at least 10 years

Go skinny dipping

Learn to ride a horse

Ride in a hot air balloon

Swim with dolphins

Sleep under the stars

Travel to the seven continents

Make a difference in someone's life

Shower in a waterfall

Ride on an elephant

Go whale-watching

Give blood

Here are some other bucket

list ideas...

Day by Day | 13

14 | Day by Day

What’s the role of an NHS hospital chaplain?To provide pastoral, spiritual and religious care to any patient, their families and staff in a confidential, non-discriminatory and non-judgemental manner. We also provide or facilitate corporate or individual opportunities for worship – in the chapel, in a department or at the bedside.

What made you decide to become a chaplain?I’ve always been involved with healthcare – when I was a teenager I was a volunteer hospital visitor and a member of the St John’s Ambulance for many years. Through other areas of work during my career I have worked with those suffering with sickness or disablement and perhaps it was a natural progression for me to combine the expression of my faith as a Christian minister in a healthcare setting. I love my job because it’s about showing people that we and also that God cares for them.

How does your work differ from that of other clergy?Our ‘parish’ is not a designated geographical area but a hospital. Hence we are trained to work in the specialised area of health care and very often with caring for those who are end of life patients and their families. Many hospitals do have specific areas designated as places of worship, but many spiritual or religious acts of worship take place in wards by the bedside. Wherever possible we work in conjunction with the local parish priests and clergy, but often the people we meet have no specific faith connection but express their need of support whilst here as a patient.

How do you deal with the cultural mix of faiths?Regardless of a person’ s faith tradition we are available for support, but will also endeavour to connect them with leaders from their own particular persuasion.

What about secular patients? We are here for everyone regardless of race, colour or creed – for those who have a faith tradition and for those who don’t. At the very least, we are able to offer a listening ear and pastoral support – many times people simply need someone to talk to. Our society often does not offer that level of support – and many health care issues are related to stress or previous trauma. Opening up about our concerns is often the key to our being able to receive and benefit from other medical interventions. Many people in hospital, particularly those who have had bad news, ask: “Who am I in the big scheme of things?” or “What’s the meaning of life?” And as a result some do begin a religious journey of finding God for themselves. As chaplains we are not here to force that or our own personal beliefs on anyone, but we are here to help facilitate that journey when people express an interest.

Professional INSIGHT

The hospital

chaplainThe NHS has provided hospital chaplains since it was founded in 1948. reverend Carol taplin is part of a small chaplaincy team that cares for over 800 people at the Royal Gwent Hospital and in the hospitals of the Aneurin Bevan University Health Board.

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Tell me more about how you have developed the services you offer here? As a health board we do provide memorial services for those who have died in our hospitals and also two memorial services specifically for the families who have lost babies or children. We are now looking at providing bereavement support to staff in the form of the STEPS programme recently pioneered in the Newport area with the aid of a local funeral director, Tovey Brothers. It’s a six week recurring programme, providing group support and understanding for people who have shared a similar experience. I also run ‘Chill Out In The Chapel’ every week for NHS staff to have a complimentary massage, refreshments and relax listening to soft music. We had over 900 visits last year, not because it’s a religious setting, but because it says ‘we care about you’.

What has been the most difficult experience you have had to face in your role?Difficult areas – seeing the grief in families losing loved ones, especially babies or children – seeing those die whom I have spent much time with.

What is the best advice you can give to the bereaved?If you are bereaved or likely to be imminently, find someone or a resource such as the STEPS programme to link with. Having someone to talk honestly and openly to is vital during this period. Also, know that feeling in an emotional and sometimes irrational state of mind is normal and although life will never be the same without your loved one, you can still find meaning and happiness in your years ahead.

What has been your most rewarding experience here at the hospital?Most rewarding: being involved with patients who do recover and return home – some making major life changes as a result of having to ‘step off’ for a while and taking an objective view of their situation. Also spending time with those who are exploring faith and then go on to finding something meaningful for them. This not only helps them whilst here as a patient but they go home with a new sense of strength and purpose.

I really enjoy being available for people to speak to, as so often in life when the chips are down, we find there is no one we can be truly open and honest with.

chaplain

“ I love my job because it’s about showing people that we and also that God cares for them.”

A Prayer Heart introduced by Carol in the children’s ward, where in tying a piece of ribbon families and staff can prayerfully express themselves in memory or in thought of someone.

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How to deliver a eulogy*

*eulogy: a speech given at a memorial service in memory of the deceased.

Planning MAT TERS

In the last issue we looked at how to write a memorable eulogy, but it is the delivery of the speech that is key. Even if you are used to speaking to large groups of people, a eulogy

can sometimes be a difficult speech to deliver.

Here are some simple guidelines to help you delivery a eulogy that honours the deceased: 1 Wear comfortable clothing

to help you stay relaxed. Funerals are usually formal

affairs, but being smartly turned out does not have to mean being uncomfortable. Dress for the occasion, but choose loose-fitting clothes and comfy shoes

2 Have a bottle of water

to hand. If you become emotional, take

a sip of water. Do this as many times as you wish during the speech. Make sure it is a bottle not a glass of water as your hand might shake and a bottle is easier. Don’t forget a handkerchief or tissues too.

3 Try to memorise as much

as possible. Use cue cards to maintain the

structure of the speech and to prompt you. Avoid reading word for word from a script. Your delivery will sound more natural and you will be able to make eye contact with others while you speak.

4 Speak slowly. This will not only keep you focused and calm but will allow the audience to take in everything you are saying and reflect on the words. Don’t forget to breathe. This will help you maintain composure and will add clarity to what you are saying.

5 It is perfectly normal to become emotional.

If that happens, just stop talking, take a few deep breaths and continue when you are ready.

6 Haveaback-upplanincaseyou can not continue.

Ask another person to be ready to step in if needed. Make sure that they have a copy of the eulogy and have read it before hand.

7 Engage the audience in your story through eye contact and facial gestures. Don’t feel you have to be solemn throughout. Smile when reflecting on happy memories. As you refer to close family and friends, look at them as you mention their names. They will never forget the tribute you gave to their loved one.

7 Practise what you're going to say. Run through your speech before the day of the funeral. Say it out loud to make sure it sounds right. Time yourself to make sure it's not too short or long. Aim for five or six minutes.

Don’t feel you have to be solemn throughout. Smile when reflecting on happy memories.

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A lasting power of attorney (LPA) is a legal document which allows you to appoint someone you trust to act as your attorney, giving them the power to make decisions on your behalf whilst you are still alive but are unable to deal with your own affairs or make your own decisions (for example, as a result of an illness or accident).

Preparing an LPA is the only way to ensure that you choose the person(s) you want to make your decisions for you. It also allows you to set certain restrictions or provide your attorneys with some guidance if you would like.

There are two types of LPA, one dealing with property and financial affairs, the other with health and welfare.

A property and financial affairs LPA allows you to choose one or more persons to make decisions and manage your money and property. A property and financial LPA can be used as soon as it has been registered, then on and off as often as needed. This can be useful if you are immobile for a short time, for example during a short stay in hospital, or if you would like someone to run your finances whilst you are on holiday or away from home. It can also be used on a more permanent basis for people suffering from a long term illness such as dementia.

A health and welfare LPA provides your chosen attorneys with the power to decide on your ongoing medical and care needs. You can also provide your attorneys with the power to

refuse life sustaining treatment on your behalf. The health and welfare LPA can only be used once you have lost the capacity to make these decisions yourself.

It is important to remember that these two types of LPA are completely separate documents. If you would like to choose someone to look after your finances and also provide guidance on your medical treatment, it will be necessary to complete two LPAs.

If you become unable to manage your own affairs and you do not have an LPA in place, financial institutions are under an obligation to freeze your assets so that your funds cannot be accessed. Although the intention behind this is to protect you from possible abuse whilst you are vulnerable, it also means that your family and dependants would have no access to your money when they may need it. Even joint banks accounts may be frozen if one of the owners becomes incapacitated.

It is not possible to make an LPA unless you have full mental capacity and it cannot be applied for by someone else on your behalf.

If you do lose your capacity and have not put an LPA in place, then your family will need to apply to the Court of Protection for a deputyship order. It will then be up to the court to decide who is appointed as your deputy and what restrictions they will have.

The court’s priority will be on your protection rather than your family’s wellbeing and there is no guarantee that the court will choose the person you would have liked. Depending on the circumstances they may decide to instruct a professional deputy, which would come at a further cost.

In addition to the loss of control, there is also a significant cost to making a court application and the process can be extremely time-consuming.

It is always advisable to plan for the possibility, even if you are not expecting to need an LPA anytime soon. Unfortunately, you cannot always predict the onset of an illness or an accident.

Legal MAT TERS

For free legal advice please contact [email protected] or visit www.myredapplelaw.com

Lasting power of attorney by Andrea Mapstone, lawyer and FCILEx member

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Alex James answers your letters

a: Finding yourself and a new purpose after being in a relationship and carer for a loved one for so many years is going to take time. The journey from “we” to “me” will be different for everyone and there is no set plan that I can offer. However, I can offer a few thoughts that you may find useful and supportive.

The sense of loss of self can be a very overwhelming and daunting experience and it is important that you take care of yourself at this time and do things in baby steps. Try to live in the moment and don't make or agree to much change too soon.

This is a time of huge transition for you with the abundance of feelings that come with loss and change and it is extremely important that you allow space and time to adjust.

You might begin by attempting small tasks on your own but do give yourself permission to do only things that you feel able to and don't be cajoled into things by well-meaning friends unless they feel okay. Take your time, consider what it is that you would like to do and think about small changes that feel manageable.

Having nursed your husband for so long your time was probably totally taken up by his daily routines and needs.

Hospital appointments and clinical visitors to home all become your lifestyle and part of your identity – Charles’ wife and carer.

I wonder whether you might find it useful to write about your life, take a trip down memory lane, think about how things were and who you were before Charles and recapture something of the lost you. It is going to be a different life now and taking it slowly and thinking about you and your needs is a good place to begin.

Please do write to me again if you feel I might be of any further help.

a: What a caring and considerate friend you sound.

It's not unusual for the bereaved to step out of their lives after such a traumatic event. It may be that your friend is struggling with who she was and who she feels she is now. It is also a very shocking and traumatic experience to endure and alongside the mental and emotional impact there will be the physical changes to adjust to.

As friends or indeed as family, when experiences like this happen we can feel pretty helpless, there's little we can do to make things right or offer that might ease the pain. It has to be lived through. Observing those we care about in grief can be hard, especially when it may feel like our best efforts are rejected.

I wonder whether you are in touch with any of your friend’s family. If so, perhaps they might update you on how she's doing. It sounds like you've done everything that you can. Perhaps continue to let her know you're thinking of her every so often - tell her your news and confirm you're still there when or if she needs you.

Q: My husband, Charles, and I were happily married for 53 years. Our lives, my life, changed when he fell seriously ill in 1998 and I had to become his carer for the last 12 years of his life. Since his death I feel I’ve lost my life’s purpose. How can I learn to live again?

Q: My best friend tragically lost her baby at birth. Over the past year I’ve tried to make contact several times to let her know that I’m there for her, but she hasn’t replied. I’m worried that I’ve been doing the wrong thing by trying to get in touch so often. Is there anything I should have done or should be doing differently?

Alex James

Bereavement UK founder Alex James MBACP, is an experienced professional bereavement counsellor who has been working with bereaved individuals and families for many years. Alex is the author of Living with Bereavement.

Ask our bereavement expert:

Our experts are here to help. Please email our bereavement, wellbeing and financial team with your questions: [email protected]

“ I wonder whether you might find it useful to write about your life, take a trip down memory lane.”

Day by Day | 19

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The charity supports families, professionals and services – including children’s hospices – across the UK. Its work helps to ensure that children can get the best possible care, wherever and whenever they need it; children just like Callum.

Callum was only six days old when his mum Jane was told that he might not live past the age of three. Can you imagine the pain and shock of hearing those words – her beautiful, adorable new baby had only a few years to live?

With an uncertain future and already caring for a boisterous two-year-old, Jane’s world was turned upside down. She had no idea how much time she would have to spend learning about Callum’s condition and fighting for the best care for him. She had to spend hours on the telephone and the internet trying to find the information she needed. Precious time she would rather have spent with her son.

There are around 49,000 children and young people in the UK living with a life-threatening or life-limiting condition who may require palliative care services. With the right kind of information, it can become easier to access care and support, as well as practical and emotional help for the whole family when it’s needed most. Families need information and support so they know what to expect at different stages throughout their journey.

If you are a parent or professional caring for a child with a life-limiting or life-threatening condition, you can contact the helpline and advocacy service on 0808 8088 100 or [email protected]

Find out more at: www.togetherforshortlives.org.uk

Together for Short Lives

Together for Short Lives is the leading UK charity for all children with life-threatening and life-limiting conditions and those who support, love and care for them.

Dates for the Diary

Charity voiCe

aUgUSt

Winston’s Wish Cycle Land’s End toJohn O’Groats 26 August 2014 http://bit.ly/dxdlejo

Marie Curie Cancer Care Walk Ten 2014 Harewood House23 August 2014 http:// bit.ly/dxdhare

No family should make their journey alone.

From the moment of diagnosis, for whatever life holds, Together for Short Lives helps to ensure that families like Callum’s make the most of their precious time together.

SEPTEMBERInternational Association of Suicide Prevention (IASP) World Suicide Prevention Day10 September 2014 http://bit.ly/dxdiasp

oCtoBerCancer Research uKRace For Life 201405 Oct 2014http:// bit.ly/dxdrace4life

“ Looking back, when the doctor gave me that devastating news I wish I had been told about a service like Together for Short Lives. It’s all so scary and upsetting. Knowing there is someone at the end of the phone who can explain things, to listen to you, who understands, really helps to take the stress away so you can focus on loving and looking after your children”

Jane (Callum's mum)

All the advice and information in Day to Day is freely offered to help people plan for funerals and cope with bereavement. Our contributors are people with personal and professional experience of funerals and bereavement matters whose views are given in good faith to inform, comfort and guide those facing bereavement. While the editor and publisher take all reasonable steps to ensure the accuracy and veracity of content, the views of the authors and the organisations they represent are their own.

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Day by day issue 4