DEALING WITH DEALING WITH DIFFICULT DIFFICULT PEOPLEPEOPLE

NAPMM ConferenceNAPMM ConferenceAsheville, NC Asheville, NC

Dr. Debby HarmonDr. Debby HarmonAshevilleAsheville--Buncombe Technical Community Buncombe Technical Community

CollegeCollege

The Nature of ConflictThe Nature of Conflict

The opportunities for misunderstandings The opportunities for misunderstandings are practically limitless.are practically limitless.

Not only do we have legitimate Not only do we have legitimate misunderstandings, but we misunderstandings, but we misunderstand the very nature of misunderstand the very nature of conflict itself.conflict itself.

Develop Good Develop Good Communication SkillsCommunication Skills

LISTEN LISTEN –– you canyou can’’t respond appropriately if t respond appropriately if

you donyou don’’t really understand the issue.t really understand the issue.

You canYou can’’t hear with a closed mind. Hearing is t hear with a closed mind. Hearing is

not the same as agreeing.not the same as agreeing.

Be clear in your response.Be clear in your response.

Treat everyone with Treat everyone with respect.respect.

People are not influenced by events as People are not influenced by events as much as they are by their personal much as they are by their personal

perception of those events.perception of those events.

ControlControl

We can control ourselves.We can control ourselves.

We can control the situation.We can control the situation.

Believe me Believe me –– we canwe can’’t control t control other people.other people.

Control of SelfControl of Self

•• Look to the yogis Look to the yogis –– breathe!breathe!

•• It is always best to wait 3It is always best to wait 3--55seconds before responding.seconds before responding.

Remember the universal sign ofRemember the universal sign offriendliness.friendliness.

Know your own hot buttons.Know your own hot buttons.

Pacing is important when a situation Pacing is important when a situation is escalating. is escalating.

Keep your sense of humor. Keep your sense of humor.

Practice tolerance (within limits).Practice tolerance (within limits).

DonDon’’t take it t take it personally even personally even when someone is when someone is talking about all of talking about all of the incompetents the incompetents at The Farmerat The Farmer’’s s Market.Market.

Controlling the SituationControlling the Situation

Listen Listen –– REALLY. Hearing and REALLY. Hearing and listening are not the same thing.listening are not the same thing.

Acknowledge their feelings.Acknowledge their feelings.

Step into their shoes.Step into their shoes.

Watch body Watch body language language –– theirs theirs and yours.and yours.

ItIt’’s okay to apologize, even if you dons okay to apologize, even if you don’’t t feel that you are wrong.feel that you are wrong.

Develop a sense of being on the same Develop a sense of being on the same team with the other person.team with the other person.

Nothing lowers the level of conversation Nothing lowers the level of conversation more than raising the voice.more than raising the voice.

Stanley HorowitzStanley Horowitz

AngerAnger

•• Stay calm Stay calm –– itit’’s better to limit the number of s better to limit the number of unreasonable people present.unreasonable people present.

•• Remember that anger is a secondary Remember that anger is a secondary emotion.emotion.

•• Keep a moderate tone of voice.Keep a moderate tone of voice.

•• Keep yourself out of danger.Keep yourself out of danger.

Agreement is a disarming tool.Agreement is a disarming tool.

Sometimes it is best to pass the person on to Sometimes it is best to pass the person on to someone else.someone else.

Address their Address their behaviorbehavior..

Explain consequences of continuing disruptive Explain consequences of continuing disruptive behavior.behavior.

Real ProblemsReal Problems

Stay calm and keep others calm.Stay calm and keep others calm.

Pass problem on to your supervisor or to Pass problem on to your supervisor or to external entities as needed.external entities as needed.

Safety first.Safety first.

DonDon’’t touch.t touch.

Maintain physical space.Maintain physical space.

Arrange signal.Arrange signal.

Pass information on about Pass information on about ““regulars.regulars.””

““Employees should useEmployees should usetheir own best judgment attheir own best judgment at

all times.all times.””

~ ~ Complete Nordstrom Employee ManualComplete Nordstrom Employee Manual

An Invitational Conflict An Invitational Conflict Management ModelManagement Model

The test for The test for ““invitational invitational peoplepeople”” is to deal with is to deal with CONFLICT in an effective CONFLICT in an effective and inviting manner. With and inviting manner. With this in mind, the process of this in mind, the process of the the ““Six CSix C’’ss”” was was developed. developed. This approach to managing This approach to managing conflict will not work in conflict will not work in every situation, but it does every situation, but it does give us a helpful model to give us a helpful model to use.use.

Goals for Conflict ResolutionGoals for Conflict Resolution

RESOLVE:RESOLVE:. . . At the lowest possible emotional level. . . At the lowest possible emotional level. . . With the least expense of energy. . . With the least expense of energy. . . In an appropriate and caring manner. . . In an appropriate and caring manner. . . In a potentially growth producing way. . . In a potentially growth producing way

(From (From Inviting Educational LeadershipInviting Educational Leadership by John M. Novak, by John M. Novak, 2002)2002)

Step 1: ConcernStep 1: Concern

The first C deals with whether action is really The first C deals with whether action is really necessary in a potential conflict situation. necessary in a potential conflict situation. What may be at issue is really a What may be at issue is really a preferencepreferencerather than a rather than a concern.concern.

Step 2: ConferStep 2: Confer

In managing conflict, we should aim to In managing conflict, we should aim to invite voluntary compliance with invite voluntary compliance with reasonable rules. reasonable rules.

If this doesnIf this doesn’’t happen, we should initiate, t happen, we should initiate, in privatein private, a conversation about what the , a conversation about what the concern is, why it is a concern, and what concern is, why it is a concern, and what is proposed to resolve it and then obtain is proposed to resolve it and then obtain voluntary verbal compliance.voluntary verbal compliance.

The +3 ApproachThe +3 Approach

Establish positive nonEstablish positive non--verbal contact, thenverbal contact, then

1. 1. ““Michael, your arriving late to work Michael, your arriving late to work keeps us from opening the market on keeps us from opening the market on time.time.””

2. 2. ““Will you please arrive on time?Will you please arrive on time?””3. 3. ““Will you do this for me?Will you do this for me?””

Step 3: ConsultStep 3: Consult

The move to consultation is a move to a The move to consultation is a move to a more formal stage of clear and direct talk. more formal stage of clear and direct talk. We remind the individual of what was We remind the individual of what was agreed upon and assist them in coming up agreed upon and assist them in coming up with an acceptable way to meet the with an acceptable way to meet the agreement. agreement.

Step 4: ConfrontStep 4: Confront

Confrontation is an attempt to resolve Confrontation is an attempt to resolve the concern at a nothe concern at a no--nonsense level. nonsense level. While respectful, we will point out that While respectful, we will point out that this situation has been addressed this situation has been addressed previously and repeatedly, that the previously and repeatedly, that the student gave his or her word that it student gave his or her word that it would be resolved, and that the problem would be resolved, and that the problem still continues. It is here that logical still continues. It is here that logical consequences will be mentioned.consequences will be mentioned.

Step 5: CombatStep 5: Combat

Combat, as used here, is a verb meaning Combat, as used here, is a verb meaning to reduce or eliminate the to reduce or eliminate the situationsituation, not , not the the personperson! Because the conflict has not ! Because the conflict has not been resolved at each of the lower levels, been resolved at each of the lower levels, it is now time to follow through on it is now time to follow through on consequences with direct, immediate, and consequences with direct, immediate, and firm action. firm action.

At this level, stakes are high and there can At this level, stakes are high and there can be winners and losers. Results are be winners and losers. Results are unpredictable. Having to combat a unpredictable. Having to combat a situation takes time and energy, so this situation takes time and energy, so this level should be entered into carefully.level should be entered into carefully.

Step 6: ConciliateStep 6: Conciliate

Following the combating of a conflict, it is vital Following the combating of a conflict, it is vital to restore a nonto restore a non--combative quality to the combative quality to the education environment. Former combatants education environment. Former combatants and noncombatants need to find ways to carry and noncombatants need to find ways to carry on and possibly grow from what has taken on and possibly grow from what has taken place. place.

Three principles are used at this Three principles are used at this stage.stage.

Do no harm (avoid fanning the flames of Do no harm (avoid fanning the flames of tension).tension).Allow some distance (this is not the time Allow some distance (this is not the time for for ““in your facein your face”” interactions).interactions).Start fresh.Start fresh.

Be PreparedBe Prepared

We canWe can’’t resolve everyonet resolve everyone’’s concern to s concern to his/her satisfaction. his/her satisfaction.

Help people find other resources.Help people find other resources.

Use outside resources for staff.Use outside resources for staff.

Process after Process after occurrences.occurrences.

A Note on CultureA Note on Culture

Researchers (e.g., Hall 1959; Vargas 1986) Researchers (e.g., Hall 1959; Vargas 1986) identify highidentify high--contact cultures such as Arabs, contact cultures such as Arabs, Latin Americans, Greeks, Turks, French, and Latin Americans, Greeks, Turks, French, and Italians, who usually keep small distances Italians, who usually keep small distances among themselves; and lowamong themselves; and low--contact cultures contact cultures who "stand further apart," like the Chinese, who "stand further apart," like the Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Germans, Dutch, and North Japanese, Thai, Germans, Dutch, and North Americans (Vargas 1986:106). Americans (Vargas 1986:106).

MultiMulti--Cultural AwarenessCultural Awareness

TheThe PLATINUMPLATINUM RULERULE……““Do unto others as they would have you do Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.unto them.””

ScenariosScenarios

Group DiscussionGroup Discussion

Conflict does take energy!Conflict does take energy!

Find ways to be personally and Find ways to be personally and professionally inviting professionally inviting Create respite from the feelings Create respite from the feelings engendered during conflictive situationsengendered during conflictive situationsProvide inviting moments for yourself and Provide inviting moments for yourself and for others.for others.

Guidance from the Guidance from the MastersMasters

The Situation is Hopeless, But Not Serious

~Paul Watzlawick

The greatest discovery of my The greatest discovery of my generation is that man can alter generation is that man can alter his life simply by altering his his life simply by altering his attitude of mind.attitude of mind.

~William James~William James

When we experience change of any kind, we need the support of other people. We need some people who will just listen and some people who will help us confront our ideas.

~Bloch &Richmond

Life can only be sustained by care in Life can only be sustained by care in relationships.relationships.

~Carol Gilligan~Carol Gilligan

I believe with all my heart that I believe with all my heart that civilization has produced nothing finer civilization has produced nothing finer than a man or woman who thinks and than a man or woman who thinks and practices true tolerance.practices true tolerance.

~Frank Knox~Frank Knox

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and People are often unreasonable, illogical, and selfself--centered. Forgive them anyway.centered. Forgive them anyway.

~Mother Teresa~Mother Teresa

Individuals are guided by visions of Individuals are guided by visions of themselves in the future themselves in the future –– visions of visions of their possible selves.their possible selves.

~William Watson Purkey~William Watson Purkey

Thank You for Thank You for not sharing this product with me!not sharing this product with me!