Dealing With Difficult People - Janet P. Schmidt

Courageous Conversations

DEALING with DIFFICULT PEOPLE

for the CIPHI Manitoba Branch

Facilitated by:

Janet P. Schmidt


CASE STUDY

Identify one particular challenging situation at work where you had to

deal with a ‘difficult person’. Could be with a colleague, person who reports to you, someone who you report to or

a member of the public.


Case Study Reflection #1

1. What was it about their behaviour that made them difficult?

2. Why do you think they were behaving in this way?

3. How did you respond?


CASE STUDY Reflection #2

Imagine that the other person is sitting in your place. How would they answer the following question:

• What did you do in the conversation that was not helpful?


• Who started this situation?

• Who has more organizational power?

• For those of you with less organizational power, does power effect impact?



Is it possible that we both see each other as the difficult person and are both waiting for the

other person to change?

If so, how effective is this strategy?


Mapping the Relationship

Gather information

Disruption of Expectations

Stability/Productivity

Commitment


Private

Action

Effect

Intent

Public

Meaning Making

Words – 7%

Tone – 38%

Body Language – 55%

TOTAL -100%


Utube Clips:

The Surprise Dinner http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaP0aIsSINo

The Convenience Store https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEJ6HBHjt1g

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaP0aIsSINo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaP0aIsSINo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEJ6HBHjt1g

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEJ6HBHjt1g



How we make meaning….

Edward Muzio on

The Ladder of Inference Creates Bad Judgement

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9nFhs5W8o8



Meaning Making…

We are meaning making people. We are constantly creating stories about the

motivations and intentions of other people (and they are doing the same). We quickly believe our stories to be true and repeat them in our heads and to our closest colleagues, not to mention our friends and family members.


The Problem….

All too often we analyze the situation, carefully considering why they are behaving in that way. Ultimately we come up with some theory that we believe to be true and often our own actions make it true.

The Reality: What you believe will greatly impact what you do about the situation.


• George Zimmerman – self appointed neighbourhood watch captain, focused on law and order

• Trayvon Martins – walking home with a hoody


Why People Are Difficult?

1. They feel threatened in some way.

2. They lack communication skills to have a constructive conversation, including waiting to talk about something when they are angry.

3. They are having a difficult time in life.

What other reasons would you add to why

you are sometimes difficult?


A question that opens the possibilities…..

Why would a reasonable, rational person do this?

Albeit it imperfect….



Four Frequent Strategies…

1) hope it goes away or

2) trust that they will figure it out.

The Problem: It often doesn’t resolve itself, and they interpret your silence as endorsement/ agreement.


OR….

3) Wait until you are frustrated and then talk to the person.

The Problem: Your frustration will invariably impact your delivery. The end result is that you will come across stronger than you think and people will be hurt, embarrassed, defensive, etc. and will either shut down (flight) or power up (fight).


OR

4) Give them subtle messages like look away when they are doing something displeasing or not be as friendly, so they can self correct.

The Problem: Often people don’t know what they are doing that needs to change and will interpret your distancing as disrespectful or that you don’t care about them.


Three Steps to Creating a Culture

When someone is not meeting your expectations and you stay silent….

• The first time you give consent

• The second time you give permission

• The third time you have lowered the standard.


Beliefs about Conflict

Others typically respond to me in the way I invite them to the table. The kind of

space I create for others is the way they will show up to me.


Elements of Effective Engagement with Difficult People

1. Caring/Compassion/Support (being kind)

2. Honesty/Clarity (being clear)

(Their perception not yours)


So simple and yet so difficult when we feel disrespected!


Balancing the Head and the Heart


“Life shrinks or expands in proportion of one’s

courage.”


Anais Nin

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion of one’s

courage.”

Email: [email protected]

Up Coming Website: www.janetschmidt.ca


“The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has been

accomplished.”

George Bernard Shaw

Documents

Dealing With Difficult People - Janet P. Schmidt