Dealing with Difficult Situations: Techniques for

Conflict Resolution

Conflict can occur at many points in an exchange year. Youth Exchange Officers, Club Counselors, any Rotary Volunteer may be called upon to try and assist students and/or host families with these issues.

The following slides present some assertiveness techniques that volunteers can learn themselves and also pass on to students and host families.

The goal is a peaceful resolution of conflict and hope for creating a dialogue rather than an argument.

The situations are ones that are common to all exchange Students. The examples given are specific to students from the USA, but could easily be changed to be more relevant to other countries.

Possible Conflicts

• Host Parents• Host Siblings• School – teachers/administration• Classmates• Criticism of your native country• Other?

Dysfunctional Example 1

• Critic: You Americans seem to think thatyou can solve every problem in the worldby throwing money at it.

• Student: Well at least we don’t have peopleliving in cardboard shacks.

Dysfunctional Example 2

• Critic: You Americans are only 4.5% of theworld’s population, but you consume 26%of the world’s energy.

• Student: You’re just jealous of what wehave.

Dysfunctional Example 3

• Critic: Why does your government say it ison the side of democracy, but always seemsto side with established dictatorships whenan uprising happened?

• Student: Well, your government doesn’t domuch to protect religious minorities in yourcountry.

Dysfunctional Example 4

• Host Parent Critic: We really didn’t want tohost an exchange student – but we wererequired to

• Student: Bursts into tears

Techniques from Assertiveness Training

1. Active Listening2. “I” Messages3. Asking Questions4. Agreeing5. #1plus #2

Active Listening

• Active Listening is a technique that allowsyou to respond to the content and emotionof what the other person is saying, withoutagreeing or disagreeing. It puts the focus onacknowledging the point of view of theother person, which if done effectively,often neutralizes the criticism and creates amore meaningful dialogue.

Positive Approach—Active Listening

• Critic: You Americans seem to think thatyou can solve every problem in the worldby throwing money at it.

• Student: You feel like we try to solve allthe world’s problems with money.

“I” Messages

• “I” Messages are very powerful statements of thoughts, feelings, opinions, likes and dislikes. When feelings are negative, “I” Messages evoke much less defensive reactions in the other person that typical “You” Messages. Examples are “I feel guilty intruding in your family when you don’t really want me here.” vs. “You make me feel guilty being here.”

Positive Approach “I” Message

• Host Parent Critic – “We really didn’t wantto host an exchange student – but we wererequired to.”

• Student: (active listening) “It must be veryfrustrating having a stranger in your housethat you didn’t really want”.

• (“I” message) “I feel really bad about that.I want to be the best exchange student I canin your house.”

Positive Approach - Ask Questions!

• Critic: How can you criticize France’simmigration policy on the Roma when youarrest and deport peaceful Mexican whoseonly crime is to cross the border to get jobsin the US?

• Student: I don’t know anything about theRoma. Can you tell me more about them?

• Student: What is France’s immigrationpolicy?

Agreeing

• Agreeing is a simple technique used whenyou are (or our country is) being criticized,AND YOU AGREE WITH THECRITICISM. Instead of the frequent habitpeople have of offering explanations orexcuses, even when they agree with thecriticism, it is easier, faster, and requiresmuch less energy to simply agree.

Positive Approach - Agreeing

• Critic: You Americans are only 4.5% of theworld’s population, but you consume 26%of the world’s energy.

• Student: I agree. We use an awful lot ofresources, and that really doesn’t seem fair,does it?

Listen plus “I” Message

• Listening plus “I” Messages is anotherassertiveness technique that allows you toacknowledge the possible truth, or opinionof the other person, while maintaining aseparate position of your own. It usesactive listening for and allows a separateopinion, is in addition to active listening,usually as an “I” Message.

Positive Approach Listening plus “I” Message

• Critic: You Americans think every Muslimis a terrorist. You even have pilots whorefuse to fly if Muslim clergy are aboard.

• Student: You feel like all Americansstereotype all Muslims as terrorists. I knowwe are frightened of terrorism so much thatsometimes we are irrational about it.

The goal is to respond in way that encourages dialog and discussion

rather than debate

• Really interested in your answer

• Knowledgeable about the topic or is repeating an inaccurate stereotype

• Just wants to get you mad

However, not all conflicts can be resolved successfully. But these techniques can help us figure out if the other person is:

If you try the techniques in this presentation and the other person is not willing to engage in a dialogue, you have at least done your best to resolve the issue peacefully and cooperatively

For more information on this topic and additional written materials, contact:

Dennis White dkwhite@itol.com