21
This PowerPoint is designed for use with church leaders. Approximately 20 minutes long, it can be used before, during, or after a regularly scheduled meeting.

DNA - Relationships

Embed Size (px)

DESCRIPTION

Relationships

Citation preview

  • This PowerPoint is designed for use with church leaders. Approximately 20 minutes long, it can be used before, during, or after a regularly scheduled meeting.

  • Book Summary:The DNA of Relationships Dr. Gary Smalley tells us the whys and hows of relationships. His insights are based on five years of relational research that show amazing results: a more than 90 percent success rate in resolving conflict and a 72 percent increase in relational satisfaction.

    Special offer! Order this book at a discount by going to http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/ product?p=1023748&item_no=355308.

  • The group PowerPoint presentation begins on the following slide.

  • The Dance that Destroys Relationships

    1 John 4:18 How fear affects our relationships

  • Six Elements of a Fear Dance The external problem is rarely the problemThe core problem is our fearThis results in a Fear Dance

  • Six Elements of a Fear Dance (continued) The Fear Dance is functionally dysfunctionalWe expect the other person to be the solutionWe can break the rhythm of the Fear Dance by understanding our fears and taking responsibility

  • A No-Losers Policy

    Philippians 2:17 Seven steps to win-win conflict solutions

  • Seven Steps to Win-WinConflict Solutions Establish a no-losers policyListen to how the other feelsAsk God for directionBrainstorm about a win-win solution

  • Seven Steps to Win-WinConflict Solutions (continued)Select a win-win solutionImplement your solutionEvaluate and rework your solution if necessary

  • Objection:It will take too much time. Answer: A no-losers policy actually saves time. When you feel you have to defend your territory, you dig in your heels for a tug-of-war. The battle continues until one person wears out. When you adopt a no-losers policy, you stop worrying about protecting your agenda.

  • Objection:What if we cant come to an agreement and someone has to make a decision? Answer: This hardly ever happens. Often the opportunity is not as good as it looks or a better opportunity presents itself. If a decision does need to be made, determine who is the most qualified to make it based on experience or training.

  • Effective Communication Takes Work Expect problems and misunderstandingsExpect that youll need patienceExpect a lot of trial and error

  • DiscussWhat do you like best about the no-losers policy?What do you think will be the hardest part about implementing it?What steps can we take to put this policy into practice?

  • Create a Safe Environment

    Romans 15:57Valuing others paves the way to positive relationships

  • 5 Ways to Create a Safe Environment Respect the wallHonor othersSuspend judgment

  • 5 Ways to Create a Safe Environment (continued) Value differencesBe trustworthy

  • Take Personal Responsibility Dont give others the power to control your feelings Take control of your thoughts, feelings, and actionsTake responsibility for your buttons

  • Take Personal Responsibility (continued)Dont look to others to make you happyBecome the CEO of your life

  • DiscussWhat do we need to do to create a safe environment for others?What can we do to show each other we value our differences?How can we better suspend our judgment of each other?

  • For More InformationOrder The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley at http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/ product?p=1023748&item_no=355308.

    Visit BuildingChurchLeaders.com for more downloadable tools to help build faithful and effective leaders inyour church or ministry.

    What we think is the problemfinances, the other personis not the core problem. The problem in nearly every conflict is that something touched each persons core fear. We wrestle with a core fear. Triggered by a core fear, we get stuck in a destructive Fear Dance that involves our hurts, wants, fears, and reactions. For instance, I may fear not being competent. An elder points out a mistake of mine that pushes my fear button. Therefore, I withdraw from the relationship and trigger the elders fear that there will be a loss of harmony in the church. Then that elder criticizes me again for withdrawing and pushes my fear button again.

    Because the Fear Dance is the only dance many people know how to do, they function in the midst of dysfunction. They adopt coping mechanisms, which often only deepen the problem.When we hurt, we want the other person to change so we wont feel the hurt. But the solution is not to change the other person.By identifying our core fears and understanding that the other person isnt the problem, we can begin to learn new dance steps to healthier relationships.Create a positive tone to improve how you treat one another. You could say, I need you to know that I will not feel okay with any solution that you dont also feel good about. Its unacceptable for either of you to feel as if youre losing. If thats the case, back up and start over.Talk to each other. Listen for the heart. Try to understand the emotions the other is feeling and why. Try to understand the big deal for the other. Work at it until both of you feel understood. Once you finish this, take your separate ideas and set them aside. Keep them handy to get back to them at a later time.Some conflicts get resolved quickly once you ask God for his opinion. Share what you think the Bible says about the issue, remembering that the Bible will not speak to every issue. In the very act of coming together to discover Gods perspective, youre working toward unity. If you discover that you dont feel like praying together over some issue, thats a good indication that you shouldnt try to resolve the conflict yet.Look for creative solutions. Give each person an opportunity to lay on the table any suggestion he or she thinks might work. Dont judge the ideas at this point. Its fair to ask clarifying questions about some of the ideas, but dont judge them until youve exhausted your creativity. Then, revisit them all, researching some that need more input. You might consult with an expert.Find a solution you both can feel good about. As long as you both feel good about the decision, it doesnt matter who first endorsed the idea.Try it out. But go into it with the same spirit that helped you make the decision, still helping everyone to win.A real win-win has to stay a win-win. If you have the attitude, Okay, you agreed to it, so now you are going to live with it whether you like it or not, thats not good. If at any point one person starts feeling like a loser, that hurts the team. If you find yourself in that position, rework the decision.

    Even the best communicators sometimes fail to understand others, or fall short of making themselves understood. We dont always follow through on what we know to be best. Often we dont know why we act or feel a certain way. Prepare to work through some storms.You and the other person may not connect or get on the same wavelength on the first or second attempt. Impatience can doom the goal of genuine understanding. Being in a hurry works against the commitment to care that is essential to all effective communication.While all of us can master a powerful set of tools for communicating, the way we use those tools will vary from person to person. We get the best use out of them by adapting them for our own personal style, and that requires trial and error.

    None of us likes a relational wall, because it keeps us from feeling close to the other person. Before you head toward the wall with a sledgehammer, think about how it got erected in the first place. Walls are always built by people who feel threatened. Behind every wall we find a person who feels unsafe. The only way a wall can come down without making the person feel threatened is slowly, brick by brick. That person needs to know you understand why the wall is there and respect it enough to leave it alone until the person is ready to break it down. Honor is a way of seeing the immense value of someone made in Gods image. List all the good qualities of that person and look for ways to communicate those good qualities to that person.Judgment closes people up and shuts them down. We need to suspend judgment and replace it with genuine interest in another person. Compassion and understanding create a tremendous amount of safety.

    Differences are a blessing if you know how to capitalize on them. Think about current relationship conflicts you face. What differences in the other person bother you? How can you value those differences? How can you make those differences work for your relationship?Recognize the value of someone and treat them accordingly. When we treat someone in a way that shows we recognize both their value and their vulnerability, we demonstrate trustworthiness.

    Whenever you focus your attention on what the other person is doing, you take away your own power. You make yourself weak. In focusing on the other, you try to control things you cant control. Instead control what you can control: your thoughts, feelings and actions.Look at what you are doing. Ponder your fear and reactions. When your buttons get pushed, theyre yours, and you are responsible for them. Do not lay blame. Youll never know real freedom in your relationships if you insist on letting others control how you feel and what you do with those feelings. You can refuse to react in a negative way.

    Many of us grew up believing a powerful but deceptive myth. We bought into the idea that relationships are back-scratching. Ill go halfway if you go halfway. The trouble is, what we think of as our needs are usually wants. We must realize that no one can meet our needs but God, and no other person can make us happy.An adult is someone who is fully capable of being responsible for himself and who fully accepts that responsibility. To do that, we need to give God all our expectations that others will bring us happiness or fulfillment. We also must realize that everything negative that happens to us can be reframed into something positive.