DR CRITIQUES

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Direct Response Writing for Advertising With Cherise Hoefler

Semester 142

Bond University

Kiarna Harvey

CRITIQUE 1While Lorna Jane is no Apple, Volkswagen or Coco-Cola, it is a brand I still admire for their advertising,particularly online. It is quite interesting to watch their marketing develop rapidly in the direction of currenttrends within the marketing industry. Honestly, Lorna Jane is very good at cluttering my inbox as they send mean email roughly every second day, if not every day. However there are a number of reasons why THIS emailstood out to me, and really impressed me. I received this on a Monday, which I find quite suiting as the copy depicts motivational language (hello ‘MondayMotivation’). It inspires their customers to ‘get moving’ for the week, and to do so with their products. This emailis visually appealing and the copy is limited and simple, yet just enough. It uses pathos to connect with theaudience by inspiring and motivating them with the line “Keep your drive alive – be that girl who doesn’t stopuntil the music does”. This is allows the reader to imagine herself as “that girl”, and inspires them to keeppursing what sparks within them. What really caught my eye about this piece was the use of video. The clip was embedded into the message; itwasn’t just a link that directed me elsewhere. I could watch the video directly from my inbox! This was the firsttime I have seen a video embedded into the message directly, which leads me to believe Lorna Jane iskeeping up with the current technological trends. Through the use of video, this EDM manages to cut throughthe clutter of my inbox, as it is quite interactive; you can ‘watch’ the video, then ‘shop’ the video. No matterwhere you click on the email, you will be linked back to Lorna Jane’s website. For any successful directresponse piece, a clear call-to-action is vital; with call-to-action buttons all over this, it is very easy for theconsumer to click back to the website which is one step closer to the overall objective – the transaction. The final thing the consumer reads is the discount banner. By placing this at the end of the message theconsumer is more likely to click through and finalise the sale. The bright pink banner is eye catching, andshows consistency with the company’s branding. The sale code is quirky with ‘LOVESALE’, and relatable to thereaders because really, who doesn’t love a sale? I love the use of social media buttons as it directs the readers back to Lorna Jane’s other platforms, which isanother platform for Lorna Jane to communicate to their users; so by subtly linking back to these pages theyhave obtained another touch point with consumers. I find it hard to flaw this email, however as stated above, I believe Lorna Jane sends way too many emails eachweek; it was surprising I even opened this. While I can’t be certain on the open rate of this piece, I believe if thecompany was to limit their sends each week they would see an increase of opens and ‘click throughs’. Personally I didn’t find the subject line too creative or eye catching; it was lengthy with an overuse of caps,which can hint at spam. However I do like how they used ‘Watch me’ as that is what made me intrigued toclick open. While the layout is relatively impressive, I would remove the screenshots from the video as theyare unnecessary and makes the appearance more cluttered. I think they are also missing a great opportunity inpersonalisation. Overall I think this a great piece yet again by Lorna Jane, and it makes me excited to see that new things, suchas video in my inbox, are rapidly developing in the direct response industry.

LORNA JANE

LORNA JANE

CRITIQUE 2

Burger joint, Not A Burger Stand, lures customers in through using a simpleblackboard placed outside the shop. This untraditional piece of direct response issubtle advertising that has happened to go viral, and I think customers are moreintrigued by their quirkiness rather than the promotion. Not A Burger Stand hascreated something original that steers away from online and traditional forms ofdirect response (direct mail, buck slips, radio etc.). The sign offers 10% off orders ifyou can complete the daily challenge set on the blackboard. It is eye catching through its colourful and vibrant drawings that are relativelyimpressive for chalk! It is interactive, with a creative call-to-action – with eachrelying on the customer to order in a certain way or complete a task to receive thediscount offered. By placing this at the front of the store, by-passers becomeintrigued by the sign, the message, and the overall ambiance of the burger stand. However as this is copy heavy and handwritten, it can easily become hard to read,and is almost too much to read when passing by. While the colours make the signpop it can distract the eye making it even harder to read. Personally I would haverefrained from using colour in the copy, and left the drawing as the eye-poppingfeature. Through using white text the eye would get less distracted when readingthe message, in turn making it simpler to interpret. The blackboards don’t uphold a professional appearance, although it is very wellsuited to the brand it is promoting. The quirkiness of actions one must take toreceive 10% off a burger is brilliant (if you know the person you’re imitating!). Eachpiece has a clear call-to-action, which is measurable by taking note of how manypeople come in to place an order successfully as challenged. If Not A Burger Stand were to amplify this through social media or text messaging,as a reminder of today's challenge / discount, I think they would find this go evenmore viral. I would love to check this place out in person to see if their manifesto plays out assuccessfully as their viral advertising.

Not A Burger Stand

Not A Burger Stand

IMPROVEMENT 1

I’ve been with Vision Personal Training for approximately 3 years now and when Ireceived a “Happy Anniversary” email from them I was actually quite disappointedwith what I saw. Vision is a very strong community, both in my local studio andnationally. The company tends to take a pathos approach with their marketing astheir audience connects with this quite well. However this email was somewhat theopposite; as a ‘thank you’ message I didn’t feel the love, primarily because therewas no personalisation. It is evident that this was a generic email sent to (probably)their whole database. Not only was it lacking personalisation, it is very visuallybland, uses stock imagery of ‘perfect’ people, and there is no call-to-action. Idecided to improve this by converting the email (which is likely to get lost amongthe clutter of my inbox) into a direct mail piece. I kept the design true to the brand with the appropriate typography and colours. Thepiece is designed as a card, which clients receive in the mail, sent from their trainer –we all love personal snail mail as it so rare these days. This instantly provides themail with meaning and sentimental value as it is coming from a particular personwhom they know and have a relationship with. The front remains simple, with the Vision red, and the line ‘Happy 3-yearAnniversary’. Through adding the appropriate amount of years the client hastrained with the company, the first message they receive is personal. When youopen up the card there is the Vision banner with the company thank you message,and a place for an image. Here the trainer can insert a photo of them with their client,of the client achieving a goal (such as a marathon), or alternatively an inspirationalquote. For example, in this piece I incorporated a picture of my first 10km race withElza in Melbourne, which has great meaning behind it. The message within the card is handwritten and personalised from the trainer -showing effort, and genuine care behind the post. Inserted in the card is a genericVision voucher for one FREE session. By adding this in, not only does the pieceautomatically have a call-to- action, but also the client will feel loved and rewardedfor their hard work and commitment to the company; in turn remaining them as loyalclients.

VISION PERSONAL TRAINING

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VISION PERSONAL TRAINING

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<- FRONT OF CARD

INSIDE (TOP) OF CARD ->

<- INSIDE (BOTTOM) OF CARD

VISION VOUCHER INSERT ->

IMPROVEMENT 2

The Iconic is Australia’s best online retailer and a brand I fell in love with instantly!When I decided to sign up for the newsletter I was shocked at what I received.Personally, I think their Thank You letter looked a little ‘spammy’. It is copy heavywith the terms and conditions over powering the actual message. The colours arebland and don’t scream ‘THE ICONIC’; when I think of the brand I visualise black,white and a bold colour such as orange. I believe The Iconic nailed it with the discount and had the potential of a brilliantthank you letter however there is definitely room for improvement. I like how theyincorporated the shopping banner at the top with ‘WOMEN, MEN, and NEWARRIVALS’. This links the consumer to exactly where they need to be shopping. Tomy improved piece I added the logo for branding, and an orange banner to make thethank you pop. I added a name for personalisation, and changed the code to‘YOURULE2c4’ in an attempt for the consumer to feel warm and fuzzies towards thesubtle compliment. ‘1c4’ is a unique code tacked on to the end for trackingpurposes, and would change for each member. There is an orange, ‘Shop NOW’ call-to-action button that takes consumers to theonline store. Through adding the word ‘NOW’ creates urgency, and a timelyresponse from the reader. Rather than writing all the Terms and Conditions in theemail, I added an astrix with a link where all the terms and conditions / help can beread. This abides regulations while keeping the layout clean. I thought it was important to leave the App and social media buttons along thebottom so consumers can continue to interact with the brand on other platforms.

THE ICONICBefore

THE ICONICImprovement

CREATION 1

I created this EDM for my job at Cake Bake & Sweets Show. We have a fortnightlyemail newsletter that goes out to a database of over 11,000 people with theobjectives of: brand building, CRM, show updates, guiding people back to the showwebsite, and ultimately ticket sales. The entire email is set out in blocks for a clean and clear layout. Placed at the top isa mouthwatering, eye-catching image of pancakes; the aim was to catch thereaders’ eye with a visually appealing image when opened to want them to read on.The middle blocks are set out with pastel colours that remain easy on the eye andaren’t cluttered with copy or images. As it is a longer email it was important to keepit copy sparse, but bold enough for the audience to click through to read more. Tostick with the branding, and to stand out from other aspects of the newsletter, eachblock has a bright pink call-to-action button that links directly to the website. Theemail finishes with a bold and colorful banner (as the top), to grab the eye’s attentionagain. This block is advertising ticket sales so it needed to be fun and bright. It usesthe Cake Bake & Sweets Show model, and abides by the Show’s branding. The banner at the top incorporates social media buttons so the audience cancontinue communication and engage with the brand when they are finished readingthe e-newsletter. The subject line was “Dessert for Breakfast?” which poses a quirkyquestion that anyone (even if they don’t admit it), would love dessert for breakfast!The line sounds inviting and delicious, so of course you would want to find outmore.

Finally, the EDM ends with who the email was sent from, terms and conditions, edityour setting preferences or an unsubscribe button, in order to follow appropriateregulations. Please excuse the quality; this is just to show the layout. Clear versions on followingpage.

Cake Bake & Sweets Show

Cake Bake & Sweets Show

CREATION 2

Vision Personal Training has regular seminars, which are insightful and definitelyworth attending. Jeff, Vision Bundall Owner, wanted to increase the attendance ofseminars therefore put an incentive in place. If you came along to the seminar andbrought a friend with you, they would receive a $100 Vision Bundall Trainingvoucher. Originally, I designed a flyer for this piece however thought it was suiting toa buck slip. I have designed it double sided, abiding to the Vision branding. The copyon the front is to get the client thinking of the amazing support crew at Vision, andhow they now have the chance to motivate and inspire exactly as the trainers have,as well as the Vision Bundall family. When you experience this kind of support, it isvery hard to NOT want to pass it on! I kept the second side simple, just with the copy, as I didn’t want it to appear toocluttered with imagery. The words ‘Free’ and ‘Training voucher’ are in bold andunderlined as they are the most persuasive words on the slip, and need to stand outthe most. I took the angle of ‘you’ being the giver rather than the company, as thismakes it more personal. The call-to-action of this piece is attending the seminar, followed with giving the$100 voucher. It remains without date and time information so this can be usedacross various events. To provide details I incorporated the Facebook symbol alongwith the page name, where people can view the event calendar for moreinformation.

VISION PERSONAL TRAINING

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VISION PERSONAL TRAINING

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