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WVU ESPN 

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Interactive Guide

1 Team ZainShawsvs.

4 Babu The Ocelot

2 Kangaroo Meatvs.

3 The Griffin and The Tearin

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EK

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The Recap...A Weak Week 1 for One

Well, Mountaineer Field will be empty until Spring.Thank goodness. I don’t think I could have taken muchmore terrible football from a team that had given me so much joy over the

years. I miss Pat and Steve.I know some of you in this league have followed West Virginia football far longer than

I have, but I don’t think we’ve collectively been able to say that we’ve seen (in our life-time) a more disappointing season than this one. I’ve heard people compare it to RichRodriguez’s first year as head coach, but in a season like that, what, really is to beexpected? In a Dana Holgorsen offense, aren’t you supposed to be able to pass the ball?And aren’t scheme and brains on the part of the offensive genius supposed to out weighwhat lacks in terms of talent — in this offense at least?This year’s effort isn’t comparable to last year, because the defense was better —

except against Maryland, what the fuck happened there? And even with playmakers like Tavon Austin, the Holgorsen-coached team managed to

go 7-6 with a five-game losing streak and a miserable bowl game against (gulp)Syracuse. At least this year we won’t be privileged to see that type of debacle in a bowl because,

well, WVU isn’t going to one.On Tuesday Oliver Luck voiced a vote of confidence in Holgorsen and the coaching

staff. Luck has seemed to push the right buttons as WVU Athletic Director so far. Let’shope he’s pushing one right here. I, for one, miss Bill Stewart. I don’t, however, miss Jeff Mullen’s offense, which I fault for

most of Stewart’s struggles as head coach. I think, and I hope I’m proven wrong on this, that Holgorsen will be one in a long line

of those who are absolutely excellent coordinators, but lack what it takes to be a headcoach. That’s not a bad thing. Dick LeBeau. Mike Nolan. Wade Phillips. Cam Cameron. Dom Capers.Solid coordinating. Head coaching, not so much. (And, yes, I know those are all NFL

examples).

The Recap...And this is NFL Fantasy Football!So let’s get to this week’s semifinal playoff matches…One of these games was like the Super Bowls from the 1990s: long, boring, one-sided.The other, like the Super Bowls of the recent past: close, exciting, and ready for a wild

finish.

Let’s start with the bitchslapping Babu The Ocelot is handing Team Zainshaws:This game really begins and ends with one name: Eric Decker. With Denver Broncos TE Julius Thomas sitting out, Decker was Peyton Manning’s go-

to guy, scoring four times, while hauling in eight passes for 174 yards, by far his best fan-tasy game ever (45 points). Decker hadn’t done much, but in a Manning-led offense, younever know where the ball is going. It went to Decker.Meanwhile, Team ZainShaws knew going in that they would need big games out of

unexpected places (“I hope Chis Ivory breaks his ankle,” coach Stephen Koval said in atext, referring to the New York Jets running back who splits time with his starter, BilalPowell) Powell only got 6.5 points, and only one ZainShaw (Larry Fitzgerald, 15.5) broke15 points on the day. DeSean Jackson had his third-worst (4.5) fantasy game of the yearand Antonio Brown (7.5) had his worst game of the year. ZainShaws picked up theBrowns D/ST (0) and it was a lost gamble.ZainShaws’ 85.5 total points was a league low this week.

SCOREBOARD

VS136 85.5

The Recap...Even bad coaching moves — Stephen Duncan left 26.5 possible points on the bench —

couldn’t derail The Ocelot’s dominance — due in large part to Decker. And take Deckercompletely out of Babu’s lineup and they’re still outscoring ZainShaws by 5.5 points.And now let’s play up the matchup that is playing out to be the best game of the year.

It sure would have been a thriller had it just been a one-week matchup. Let’s hope thisweek turns out to be just as close.

Kangaroo Meat holds a one-point lead over The Griffin and The Tearin going into thesecond week of the semifinal game. It started out on Thanksgiving Day with Reggie Bush delivering the first punch for

Griffin — a 23.5-point right hook that Meat’s DeMarco Murray quickly countered with a29.5-point uppercut. In the midst of that, Dez Bryant racked up a solid 15.5 points forGriffin, with 7.5 of those helped by a holding penalty. Murray had just scored a TD thatwas called back due to a holding penalty. That’s when Tony Romo (13 points) foundBryant for a TD. It continued like that on Sunday and each team’s players continued to put up all-around

solid efforts. Nothing outrageous, just solid, which has been the staple of these twoclubs the entire season. The tight end position is where the greatest swing in pointsoccurred as Rob Gronkowski’s 21 points dwarfed Rob Housler’s 3.5. Griffin made up

SCOREBOARD

VS124.5 125.5

The Recap...those points big time — which, really was to be expected — since Kangaroo Meat has hadtrouble at the tight end position all season long.A 12-point swing from Meat to Griffin happened on Sunday night, as Victor Cruz was

stopped a ball hair short of the goal line and then Andre Brown plunged in a play later.But those are the breaks of fantasy football. Griffin left huge points on the bench in the form of Ben Tate, which greatly benefitted

Meat. Tate (28) could have been swapped for Wes Welker (4.5) for a swing of 23.5points. Meat left five points on the bench at QB with Carson Palmer’s 18. The biggest surprise of this game came as Drew Brees, who had been averaging 23.4

points per game, netted just seven against the Seahawks on Monday Night Football.Don’t look for a letdown like that to happen again. It looks like Meat is going to need ahuge game from LeSean McCoy to have a chance in this one, which might not happen ifyou base it on his use around the goal line this past week. He didn’t score and the Eaglespassed the ball around the goal line every time they got close.Now that we’ve praised our championship contenders, well, except Koval’s team (they

sucked), let’s dole out some love to the common folk.The fight in this league is for top draft pick for those who don’t make the playoffs. The

current order is:

SHOW ME YA TD’s ..................................................................................................................132.5Cobb On My Knob ..................................................................................................................118.5Medula Amendola ....................................................................................................................118.5El Pollos Lucha ............................................................................................................................114Multiple Scoregasms ....................................................................................................................111My Lamar’s Not a Drug Addict ..................................................................................................91First Timers ................................................................................................................................90.5Double Yoi ......................................................................................................................................88

Now, since it’s 7:03 p.m. on a Tuesday and I’m tired and still sitting at the office, and 98Degrees us currently playing on my Spotify, I’m gonna wrap this up very unceremonious-ly and unpoetically.But… Here’s a video of some puppies.

Losing It...Thoughts of a champ, no longer defending

So take us through your last second heartbreak… two weeks in a row. Whatexactly happened?I actually only lost in week 11 but I needed a lot of help that didn’t all pan

out in week 12 when I won!

How did you cope with back-to-back excruciating losses?I had a woman over, made a drink, had her “make me a sandwich and don’t

talk so much” then made sweet sweet love to her!!!

…coupled with WVU blowing a 24-point lead to Iowa State?It has been a rough year across the board, Fantasy, Washington Redskins, and

WVU! The worst of all these is obviously WVU horrible year culminating with a

meaningless loss to Iowa State. At least we had great tailgates again this year!

What’s it like not being in the playoffs after winning the league champi-onship? Do you feel empty inside?It burns a little as the 2-time defending champ not even making the playoffs!

As a coach that enjoys the praise when times are good, I have to say there’s

no one else to blame but myself for this years debacle!

What do you think is on the horizon for your team? Another name changeperhaps?Next year there will be plenty of shakeups for my team! Rebuilding? No! Win-

now type of shakeups!!!

If you had to fuck Jessica Alba with AIDS or a pregnant Roseanne, whowould you fuck?As attractive as I find pregnant women I could never bring myself to sleep with

Roseanne, So hypothetically I would fuck Jessica Alba with AIDS which sadly

wouldn’t come close to the worst thing I’ve done sexually to this point!

(I.E. Pittsnogle)

Playoff Bracket

WEEKS 13-14

CONSOLATION GAMES — WEEKS 13-14

WEEKS 15-16 CHAMPION

No. 6 Double Yoi atNo. 5 My Lamar’s not a Drug Addict

No. 9 SHOW ME YA TD’satNo. 10 Multiple Scoregasms

No. 12 Cobb On My KnobbatNo. 11 First Timers

No. 8 Medula AmendolaatNo. 7 El Pollos Lucha

No. 2 Kangaroo Meat 125.5

No. 3 The Griffin and The Tearin 124.5

No. 4 Babu The Ocelot 136

No. 1 Team ZainShaws 85.5

Past Champions

Year Team Score Coach

2007 Morgantown Untouchables 168-148 Chris Zetlin

2008 Team Zelaski 190-162 Ryan Zelaski

2009 Multiple Scoregasms 235-180 Ryan Zelaski

2010 Double Yoi 262.5-202.5 Tom Prohonic

2011 Spring Mills KickAssEErs 275-210 Nick Aberegg

2012 Matthew Forte Hands 245-216.5 Nick Aberegg

Team ZainShaws

Coach: Stephen KovalRecord: 10-2 (North Division Champion)

Projected Starting Lineup

QB Phillip Rivers

RB Alfred Morris

RB Bilal Powell

WR Larry Fitzgerald

WR Antonio Brown

FLEX DeSean Jackson

FLEX Rod Streater

TE Jimmy Graham

D/ST Cleveland Browns

K Blair Walsh

Larry Fitzgerald showed whyhe’s been a fantasy stalwartand one of the best receiversin the league on Sunday. His15.5 fantasy points were ateam-best total for TeamZainShaws. That included atouchdown where he bouncedoff two defenders and racedinto the end zone. He’ll needabout seven of those thisweek for ZainShaws to have achance at victory.

Schedule

team roster

top performer

Larry Fitzgerald

Babu The Ocelot

Coach: Stephen DuncanRecord: 8-4 (Wild Card)

Projected Starting Lineup

QB Russell Wilson

RB Marshawn Lynch

RB Jamaal Charles

WR Eric Decker

WR James Jones

FLEX Matt Forte

FLEX Darren McFadden

TE Vernon Davis

D/ST San Francisco 49ers

K Dan Bailey

Holy Cow, way to show up,Mr. Decker. And at just theright time for Babu TheOcelot, too. Decker had byfar the best fantasy game ofhis career, with eight catcheson 12 targets for a career-high 174 yards and fourtouchdowns during Sunday's35-28 win over the Chiefs. Hehadn’t surpassed 10 fantasypoints since Week 7.

Schedule

team roster

Top Performer

Eric Decker

Kangaroo Meat

Coach: Brandon BrownRecord: 9-3 (Central Division Champion)

Projected Starting Lineup

QB Tony Romo

RB LeSean McCoy

RB DeMarco Murray

WR Victor Cruz

WR Andre Johnson

FLEX Donald Brown

FLEX Torrey Smith

TE Garrett Graham

D/ST New York Giants

K Garrett Hartley

Murray hadn’t scored twicein a game all season — andfor that matter, hadn’t scoredtwo rushing touchdowns in agame during his entire NFLcarreer. That changed thisThanksgiving as KangarooMeat got an extra helping ofpoints as Murray scoredthrice! His 29.5 fantasy pointshelped Meat to a one-pointlead going into the secondweek of the playoffs.

Schedule

team roster

Top Performer

DeMarco Murray

The Griffin and The Tearin

Coach: Josh SwainRecord: 6-6 (South Division Champion)

Projected Starting Lineup

QB Drew Brees

RB Reggie Bush

RB Knowshon Moreno

WR Dez Bryant

WR Vincent Jackson

FLEX Ben Tate

FLEX Andre Brown

TE Rob Gronkowski

D/ST Kansas City Chiefs

K Mason Crosby

Reggie Bush looked like hiscollegiate-self on ThanksgivingDay, racking up 23.5 pointsfor The Griffin and The Tearin.It was Bush’s third-highestfantasy point total of the sea-son after a few decent-to-underwhelming weeks. Griffincould use another game justlike this one, where Bushaveraged 5.9 yards per carryand found the end zoneonce.

Schedule

team roster

Top performer

Reggie Bush

© 2013 Browntown Productions

““Once a Mountaineer.

Always a Mountaineer.”

— Pat White