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A8 FEATURES T h e P h i l l i p i a n May 17, 2013
The Features Classifer
Single male looking for a strong female to install floor-ing into a small, cozy kitchen. Preferably somebody will-ing put in lots of work, so they need to have a lot of free time (hence the single thing). Anyone willing to give me a hand would be strongly appreciated. The wood really needs to get laid. The kitchen is fairly large and there is nothing wrong with the previous carpeting, but the wooden color will go particularly well with the drapes. There will be refreshments as well, but I had to throw out my traditional gender roles as they went stale, but I have some other bread.
—Charlie Jarvis
I WOKE UP AFTER GOING OUT TO GELB LAST NIGHT AND I WOKE UP AND THERE IS LITERAL-LY A TIGER IN MY DORM BATHROOM. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT GOT HERE OR WHERE IT IS FROM. I DON’T KNOW WHERE MY FRIEND IS AND I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE EATEN HIM. I JUST WANT THIS TIGER TO BE GONE—IF YOU CAN THINK OF A WAY TO GET HIM OUT OF HERE YOU CAN HAVE HIM.
—Ellie Simon
From the North Pole and tired of frostbite? Tired of nymphs making fun of your ears? I know you’re out there. I am looking for any elves that are good with handiwork and/or household chores. I am a shoemaker, and I had been expecting some elves to make my shoes at night but no one ever came, so I guess I need to pay for them. I am willing to pay you as much money as you weigh (per month). Fair working conditions, long sleeping hours in daylight. Qualifications: Must be shorter than 24 inches. Leather skills preferred, but will accept skills with craft glue. Priority goes to those who wouldn’t mind being used to attract women with cuteness. And oh, by the way, so help me God if you make these shoes with pointy toes.
—Bianca Navarro-Bowman
Well friends, we Canadians have been talking, and all five of us agree it’s aboot time we’re recognized as a real country. After a national blind-folded, hand-raising poll, we’ve decided to sell all of our meese and beer in ex-change for respect. We demand recognition, considering our importance in owning around a third of North Ameri-ca. Please, Earth, buy our meese: they make great pets, and even better friends! Whatdya think, eh? Any takers, eh?
—Ellie Simon
Looking for man with prior dancing experience willing to participate in Superb Secret Man Slam, a faculty danc-ing troupe with no official affiliation to Super Secret Man Slam. Call 1-800-SALM-MEN to receive the location of the first secret meeting (please note that 1-800-SLAM-MEN has already been taken by the official group, and they have not been accepting new members the past five times I’ve asked). The existence of this secret group will only be revealed through the wearing of varsity jackets. There is the option of embroidering any anagram of your choice (except “SSMS” which is taken as well) that con-tains the letters S and M. We were thinking of starting by slamming down to some songs by Rihanna.
—Charlie Jarvis
Hi Andover! My first boyfriend / love of my life Arthur McDoogle ’16 and I are looking for a room. All two of our friends keep commenting on our Instagram photos and telling us to get a room! The only problem is our house counselors are super lame and refuse to acknowledge our love, and we keep getting walked in on when we’re out-side but not in the Cochran Bird Sanctuary. Literally any room will do, it can’t be worse than the graveyard.
—Ellie Simon
LOOKING FOR A BABE
Bringing you the best......Forgetting about the rest
ELF WANTED
Considering Any on the north Pole
STEP RIGHT UPrivAl MAn slAMMers needed
ROOM FOR A ROOM?
FreshMAn lovers in need oF PrivACy
LIFE OR DEATH OF PI
Free tiger PleAse tAke!!!
NATION SEEKING LOVECAn you For CAnAdA?
SPARE WOODJust need to get it in
FELLOW? ANYONE HOME?
AssistAnt to A teAChing FellowI am a 20-year-old math teaching assistant looking for
a student assistant to help with teaching duties. Ideal-ly, the student would be free to work nighttime hours when I’m out of the office and can only work in silence and minimal light the following mornings. Student must have an aptitude for solving problems: pertaining both to math and my personal life. For example, my mother recently told me I should quit cold turkey. In this case, my assistant should be able to find suitable vegetarian turkey imitations to replace said turkey, recommend better meat options or warm up my turkey sandwiches each day.
—Charlie Jarvis
Garrick Buster here. I am a 17 year old youth and live with my parents down in AnkertonNevada, Vermont. I’m looking for a pig who has an agreeable personality and a weakness for chocolate. Must love Breakin’ Bad and be OK with watchin’ Bridget Jones Diaries forever. Needs to have soft skin to cry into and a comfortin’ smile. Also has to be Kosher with Jewish relatives; this should be hard given that it’s a pig. I’m allergic to feathers so you’ll have to be good without goose down pillows, and I’m a little lactose intolerant, so your pig slop will have a nice soy substitute instead. Don’t worry though. I’m tolerant about most other things.
—Rob Irvin and Vincent Mocco
Only needs minimal knowledge of history to prove to other adults that you are a teacher. Must have hatred of essays and no belief in homework. Knowledge of history or something interesting would be nice, like Star-Trek or Lord of the Rings lore, but nothing real life. Must be ready to begin tomorrow; our History paper is due in two days. Some muscular fitness recommended; you need to be able to knock out a man estimated to weigh between 256-257 pounds, depending on waterweight. Bonus will be given if you bring baked goods. No interview necessary, just need to take the online Academic Dishonesty Primer.
—Bianca Navarro-Bowman
I received it as a housewarming gift in 2004, but it has been sitting in my garage gathering dust ever since. It is still in its original packaging and needs a new home. It hasn’t gathered enough dust for me to like it; it’s still not antiquey enough. The Ottoman is light brown and covered in satin. Not very noisy and can easily assimilate into any living room. Of Turkish roots, this devout house piece has made the Hajj over the Atlantic without a single scratch, and it somehow didn’t collapse with the rest of the empire after World War I. Its authentic smell will bring a homely atmosphere to your abode, and it will serve you well for its entire life.
—Rob Irvin and Vincent Mocco
FArMer in need oF Pig
HISTORICALLY HIGH DEMANDPushover history teACher
TURKEY NEEDED OUT OF SEASON
BewAre oF interest in iMPeriAlisM
Greetings! My name is Nathaniel of House Stark, but my birth name is Devon. My evil parents have forced me to swear my allegiance to the knights watch at Deny’s, and refuse to let me live at home. Because of this I have no choice but to gather my bannermen for a righteous battle. To enlist send your application to me at [email protected]. I am looking for men (and women) who are of either of house Stark or house Bara-theon. No stinking Lanisters. You must be able to hold conversation in Dathraki and must know how to drive a 1997 Honda Accord. Bring your best Valerian steel and a smile!
—Rob Irvin and Vincent Mocco
HOARDER NEEDS TO HORDE
you win or you dieChaps, the jokes have got to finish before my urine sup-
ply does; this past month, I’ve received six fake orders of bear grills. Now, while these barbecues could save your life if you need some impromptu protein, I just don’t have any room in my backpacks (what with all the cameras and prepackaged food). I need the money for my next two books, “What Am I Doing With My Life” and “Cocktail Recipes Using Only Urine.” I don’t have a phone, address or e-mail, but if you’re interested, follow my scent around your nearest forest until you find me. Actually, it may not be for barbecues, they may be decorative braces for bears. I honestly don’t know what type of grills they want.
—Ellie Simon
BEAR GRILLS FOR SALEi CAn’t BeAr to keeP theM
Comrades, my local flea market is selling a new antique varnished stringless ukulele, so I’m selling everything. If ANYONE read my blog, they’d know I neeeeed this for my pointless and expensive broken junk collection, so ev-erything must go. We’re talking all of my vinyl which is now open to the conformist, mainstream market. Most of what I’m selling is fairly new (some of the vinyls literal-ly haven’t even gotten here yet). They’ve obvi never been opened, because I heard a song from one of them on the radio yesterday so they’re sellout garbage. I’m also put-ting out there some of my life-size Russian doll collection, half-used bottles of hair gel, and my ferret Abraham.
—Ellie Simon
HIP REPLACEMENT NEEDED
evryFleA Must go
