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Features Classifieds

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  • A8 FEATURES T h e P h i l l i p i a n May 17, 2013

    The Features Classifer

    Single male looking for a strong female to install floor-ing into a small, cozy kitchen. Preferably somebody will-ing put in lots of work, so they need to have a lot of free time (hence the single thing). Anyone willing to give me a hand would be strongly appreciated. The wood really needs to get laid. The kitchen is fairly large and there is nothing wrong with the previous carpeting, but the wooden color will go particularly well with the drapes. There will be refreshments as well, but I had to throw out my traditional gender roles as they went stale, but I have some other bread.

    Charlie Jarvis

    I WOKE UP AFTER GOING OUT TO GELB LAST NIGHT AND I WOKE UP AND THERE IS LITERAL-LY A TIGER IN MY DORM BATHROOM. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT GOT HERE OR WHERE IT IS FROM. I DONT KNOW WHERE MY FRIEND IS AND I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE EATEN HIM. I JUST WANT THIS TIGER TO BE GONEIF YOU CAN THINK OF A WAY TO GET HIM OUT OF HERE YOU CAN HAVE HIM.

    Ellie Simon

    From the North Pole and tired of frostbite? Tired of nymphs making fun of your ears? I know youre out there. I am looking for any elves that are good with handiwork and/or household chores. I am a shoemaker, and I had been expecting some elves to make my shoes at night but no one ever came, so I guess I need to pay for them. I am willing to pay you as much money as you weigh (per month). Fair working conditions, long sleeping hours in daylight. Qualifications: Must be shorter than 24 inches. Leather skills preferred, but will accept skills with craft glue. Priority goes to those who wouldnt mind being used to attract women with cuteness. And oh, by the way, so help me God if you make these shoes with pointy toes.

    Bianca Navarro-Bowman

    Well friends, we Canadians have been talking, and all five of us agree its aboot time were recognized as a real country. After a national blind-folded, hand-raising poll, weve decided to sell all of our meese and beer in ex-change for respect. We demand recognition, considering our importance in owning around a third of North Ameri-ca. Please, Earth, buy our meese: they make great pets, and even better friends! Whatdya think, eh? Any takers, eh?

    Ellie Simon

    Looking for man with prior dancing experience willing to participate in Superb Secret Man Slam, a faculty danc-ing troupe with no official affiliation to Super Secret Man Slam. Call 1-800-SALM-MEN to receive the location of the first secret meeting (please note that 1-800-SLAM-MEN has already been taken by the official group, and they have not been accepting new members the past five times Ive asked). The existence of this secret group will only be revealed through the wearing of varsity jackets. There is the option of embroidering any anagram of your choice (except SSMS which is taken as well) that con-tains the letters S and M. We were thinking of starting by slamming down to some songs by Rihanna.

    Charlie Jarvis

    Hi Andover! My first boyfriend / love of my life Arthur McDoogle 16 and I are looking for a room. All two of our friends keep commenting on our Instagram photos and telling us to get a room! The only problem is our house counselors are super lame and refuse to acknowledge our love, and we keep getting walked in on when were out-side but not in the Cochran Bird Sanctuary. Literally any room will do, it cant be worse than the graveyard.

    Ellie Simon

    LOOKING FOR A BABE

    Bringing you the best......Forgetting about the rest

    ELF WANTED

    Considering Any on the north Pole

    STEP RIGHT UPrivAl MAn slAMMers needed

    ROOM FOR A ROOM?

    FreshMAn lovers in need oF PrivACy

    LIFE OR DEATH OF PI

    Free tiger PleAse tAke!!!

    NATION SEEKING LOVECAn you For CAnAdA?

    SPARE WOODJust need to get it in

    FELLOW? ANYONE HOME?

    AssistAnt to A teAChing FellowI am a 20-year-old math teaching assistant looking for

    a student assistant to help with teaching duties. Ideal-ly, the student would be free to work nighttime hours when Im out of the office and can only work in silence and minimal light the following mornings. Student must have an aptitude for solving problems: pertaining both to math and my personal life. For example, my mother recently told me I should quit cold turkey. In this case, my assistant should be able to find suitable vegetarian turkey imitations to replace said turkey, recommend better meat options or warm up my turkey sandwiches each day.

    Charlie Jarvis

    Garrick Buster here. I am a 17 year old youth and live with my parents down in AnkertonNevada, Vermont. Im looking for a pig who has an agreeable personality and a weakness for chocolate. Must love Breakin Bad and be OK with watchin Bridget Jones Diaries forever. Needs to have soft skin to cry into and a comfortin smile. Also has to be Kosher with Jewish relatives; this should be hard given that its a pig. Im allergic to feathers so youll have to be good without goose down pillows, and Im a little lactose intolerant, so your pig slop will have a nice soy substitute instead. Dont worry though. Im tolerant about most other things.

    Rob Irvin and Vincent Mocco

    Only needs minimal knowledge of history to prove to other adults that you are a teacher. Must have hatred of essays and no belief in homework. Knowledge of history or something interesting would be nice, like Star-Trek or Lord of the Rings lore, but nothing real life. Must be ready to begin tomorrow; our History paper is due in two days. Some muscular fitness recommended; you need to be able to knock out a man estimated to weigh between 256-257 pounds, depending on waterweight. Bonus will be given if you bring baked goods. No interview necessary, just need to take the online Academic Dishonesty Primer.

    Bianca Navarro-Bowman

    I received it as a housewarming gift in 2004, but it has been sitting in my garage gathering dust ever since. It is still in its original packaging and needs a new home. It hasnt gathered enough dust for me to like it; its still not antiquey enough. The Ottoman is light brown and covered in satin. Not very noisy and can easily assimilate into any living room. Of Turkish roots, this devout house piece has made the Hajj over the Atlantic without a single scratch, and it somehow didnt collapse with the rest of the empire after World War I. Its authentic smell will bring a homely atmosphere to your abode, and it will serve you well for its entire life.

    Rob Irvin and Vincent Mocco

    FArMer in need oF Pig

    HISTORICALLY HIGH DEMANDPushover history teACher

    TURKEY NEEDED OUT OF SEASON

    BewAre oF interest in iMPeriAlisM

    Greetings! My name is Nathaniel of House Stark, but my birth name is Devon. My evil parents have forced me to swear my allegiance to the knights watch at Denys, and refuse to let me live at home. Because of this I have no choice but to gather my bannermen for a righteous battle. To enlist send your application to me at eddard-starkinmyheart@hotmail.com. I am looking for men (and women) who are of either of house Stark or house Bara-theon. No stinking Lanisters. You must be able to hold conversation in Dathraki and must know how to drive a 1997 Honda Accord. Bring your best Valerian steel and a smile!

    Rob Irvin and Vincent Mocco

    HOARDER NEEDS TO HORDE

    you win or you dieChaps, the jokes have got to finish before my urine sup-

    ply does; this past month, Ive received six fake orders of bear grills. Now, while these barbecues could save your life if you need some impromptu protein, I just dont have any room in my backpacks (what with all the cameras and prepackaged food). I need the money for my next two books, What Am I Doing With My Life and Cocktail Recipes Using Only Urine. I dont have a phone, address or e-mail, but if youre interested, follow my scent around your nearest forest until you find me. Actually, it may not be for barbecues, they may be decorative braces for bears. I honestly dont know what type of grills they want.

    Ellie Simon

    BEAR GRILLS FOR SALEi CAnt BeAr to keeP theM

    Comrades, my local flea market is selling a new antique varnished stringless ukulele, so Im selling everything. If ANYONE read my blog, theyd know I neeeeed this for my pointless and expensive broken junk collection, so ev-erything must go. Were talking all of my vinyl which is now open to the conformist, mainstream market. Most of what Im selling is fairly new (some of the vinyls literal-ly havent even gotten here yet). Theyve obvi never been opened, because I heard a song from one of them on the radio yesterday so theyre sellout garbage. Im also put-ting out there some of my life-size Russian doll collection, half-used bottles of hair gel, and my ferret Abraham.

    Ellie Simon

    HIP REPLACEMENT NEEDED

    evryFleA Must go