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Fifty Shades of Franks

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Magazine on the Frankish tribe

Text of Fifty Shades of Franks

  • Barbarian Weekly Presents

    Fifty Shades of Franks

    Quincy Leachman, Joshua Kazakoff, Ian Field, Ryan Formosa

  • Table of Contents:

    Page 2: Mythological Origins/Migration

    Page 4: Franks and the Roman Empire

    Page 6: Merovingian Franks

    Page 7: Clovis I

    Page 8: Merovingian Dominance of Gaul

    Page 10: Gregory of Tours

    Page 11: Religion

    Page 12: Charles Martel

    Page 13: Battle of Tours

    Page 14: Carolingian Dynasty

    Page 16: Charlemagne

    Page 17: Holy Roman Emperor

    Page 18: Saxon Campaigns

    Page 19: Military

    Page 20: Law/Government

    Page 21: Art/Architecture

    Page 22: Works Cited

  • Here we see the Franks forcing the Saxons to cut down a tree involved with pagan worship. We at Barbarian Weekly like to think

    that the Franks proceeded to bath in the tears of the vanquished Saxons.

  • Mythological Origins:

    The mythological origins of the Franks

    are both intriguing and complex.

    According to the Chronicle of Fredegar,

    a seventh century compilation of

    writings on events witnessed first hand

    in Frankish Gaul. According to Fredegar,

    the Franks could trace their lineage back

    to the war in Troy and to those who

    escaped the city after it fell. In fact,

    according to the author, Priam appears

    as the first king of the Franks (Wallace-

    Hadrill, 1960). Up until the 1500s,

    authors and historians widely

    considered the Trojan origins of the

    Franks to be the truth (Huppert, 1965),

    so it appears that the legend first

    designed as a propaganda tool to secure

    the noble origin of the Merovingian

    kings. As the story goes, Priam left Troy

    and fled to Macedonia. From thence his

    family was divided, with some going to

    found Rome, others back to Asia Minor,

    and a man named Francio building his

    kingdom on the Rhine (Wallace-Hadrill,

    1960). According to another story, the

    men of Troy sailed with thousands of

    soldiers from the Aegean to the Sea of

    Azov, but were defeated in battle by

    Romans and some ended up finding

    their way to Germany. Regardless of

    which story one believed, it seems clear

    that the mythological roots of the

    Franks helped secure the kings reign.

  • When youre descended from a guys who exited their burning city while carrying entire families in a manner that Hollywood has

    emulated numerous times in the Die Hard franchise, you have a 96% chance of being crazy tough. Thats just science.

  • Franks and the Roman


    After migrating to Gaul, the Frankish

    people split off into a number of

    different factions, the two main ones

    being the Salians and the Ripuarians.

    While the Ripuarians became pillagers,

    constantly at odds with the Roman

    Empire, the Salians allied with the

    Romans (Anderson, 1997). The Romans

    settled the Salian Franks on the

    boarders of their empire, using them as

    a crucial defensive barrier. The Salians

    were often recruited to fight in the

    Roman army (Anderson 1997, p.136). In

    fact, it can be argued that the continued

    process of amalgamation with the

    Romans shaped the Salian people

    (Anderson 1997, p.136). Even the

    leaders of the Salians were active

    members of the Roman army. Examples

    of this were Childeric I and Clovis I, the

    founders of the Merovingian Empire.

    Childeric and Clovis were both Roman

    generals, and Frankish kings (Kortm,

    2010b). After the fall of the Roman

    Empire, the Merovingian Franks under

    Clovis continued with a number of

    Roman traditions. The most prominent

    example of which is evident within the

    military, where they continued to use a

    number of Roman practices (Kortm,


  • Unlike the haphazard tour routes selected by the other,

    clearly less sophisticated, barbarian groups the Franks kept it

    simple. Clearly they did their research, proving that not only

    did the Franks have biceps the size of pot roasts and abs like

    washboards, but minds that can quash the Sunday edition of

    the NY times crossword in a matter of minutes.

  • Merovingian Franks:

    The first sign of the Merovingian Franks

    was predominately seen in the in the

    latter half of the fifth century. The name

    Merovingian is derived from the king of

    the Salian Franks, Merovich. (Britannica

    Online, 2012) There is not much known

    about Merovich except he was the

    father of Childeric I, who carried on the

    Merovingian dynasty until his death in

    481/482. Clovis I, son of Childeric I,

    expanded the Frankish empire by

    conquering nearby cities and tribes, and

    united almost all of Gaul. (Britannica

    Online, 2012) During the reign of Clovis,

    he was one of the first to convert to

    Christianity, which was a new religion at

    this time. His death in 511 divided the

    Frankish kingdom among his four sons

    Theuderic I, Chlodomir, Childebert I and

    Chlotar I. (Britannica Online, 2012) The

    four brothers, despite their upsets,

    managed to expand the Frankish empire

    even further than their father. By the

    latter half of the sixth century, Chlotar

    was the last of the sons of Clovis, and

    his death in 561 divided the kingdom

    once again among his four sons,

    Charibert I, Guntram, Sigebert, and

    Chilperic I. (Britannica Online, 2012) The

    Frankish empire, under the rule of these

    four brothers, suffered extreme

    hardship, and prompted a

    reorganization of the Frankish

    Kingdoms. Some regions merged with

    different kingdoms, and some regions

    were lost entirely. Despite this division,

    in 613, Chlotar II, son of Chilperic I

    united the kingdoms once again.

    (Britannica Online, 2012) However,

    some years later, after the death of

    Dagobert I, the kingdom was yet again

    divided. At this time, many of the kings

    had to hand their power over to the

    Mayors of the Palace, which were

    mayors who supervised a number of

    activities. (Britannica Online, 2012) The

    soon gained more power and

    responsibilities, which turned the

    remaining Merovingian kings into

    nothing more than puppets. In 750,

    Childeric III was the last of the

    Merovingian kings, and when Pippin III

    the Short deposed him, he usurped the

    throne for himself and thus established

    the Carolingian dynasty. (Britannica

    Online, 2012)

  • Clovis I:

    Clovis the First was the founder of the

    Merovingian Dynasty who united the

    Franks under one ruler. He was a Salian

    Frankish king born in the year 466

    (Kortm, 2010a). Clovis, as well as his

    father, Childeric I, served in the Roman

    army as Generals, helping the Romans

    protect their borders. At the age of only

    sixteen, Clovis succeeded his father as

    king of the Salians and Roman general

    (Kortm, 2010a). After the fall of the

    Roman Empire, Clovis began his

    unification of the Frankish people and

    the creation of the Merovingian

    Kingdom (Kortm, 2010b). Clovis first

    major victory came in 487 against

    Syagrius, the last Roman official in Gaul

    (Kortm, 2010a). Clovis was also the

    first Frankish king to convert to

    Christianity. His decision to be baptised

    Catholic could be seen as strategic

    (Kortm, 2010a). It was key in gaining

    the support of the Gallo-Roman peoples

    (Kortm, 2010a). Overall Clovis is best

    known for uniting the Frankish tribes

    under one ruler, conquering Gaul, and

    the conversion to Christianity. Clovis

    died on November 27th, 511 (Clovis I,

    2012). After his death, his kingdom was

    divided between his four sons (Clovis I,

    2012). Clovis was buried next to St

    Genevieve in the church of the Holy

    Apostles, which he had built in Paris

    (Clovis I, 2012).

    With his ZZ Top-esque beard and the bone structure of a

    male model, its safe to assume that if Clovis were alive

    today he would be featured in Dos Equis commercials as the

    most interesting man alive. Semi-reliable sources have

    informed us Clovis favorite pastimes involved arm-wrestling

    grizzly bears and bare-knuckle boxing dragons.

  • Merovingian Dominance of


    Clovis I was predominately one of the

    most influential rulers in Frankish

    history and he transformed Frankish

    society in ways other kings never could.

    Primarily groups such as Romans, as

    well as a large population of Visigoths

    maintained Gaul. (Britannica Online,

    2012) It was not until the latter half of

    the fifth century that Clovis decided to

    expand his empire and consume all of

    Gaul. After defeating the last Roman

    official, Syagrius, in the northern Gaul,

    and the Visigoths in the southwestern

    Gaul, Clovis was established as ruler of

    nearly all the Roman Gaul. (Britannica

    Online, 2012) During the occupation of

    Gaul, Clovis drafted a new law called the

    Salic law or Pactus Legis Salicae and was

    the code of all Salian Franks. (Britannica

    Online, 2012) This was a written code,

    which combines customary law, Roman

    written law, Christian ideals, and royal

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