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"Y#HARLIE,OVETT レ#OPYRIGHT0IONEER$RAMA3ERVICE)NC Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to 0IONEER$RAMA3ERVICE)NC0/"OX%NGLEWOOD #/. All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given. These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom. #/09).'/22%02/$5#).'!,,/2!.90!24/&4()3"//+ ).!.9-!..%2)3342)#4,9&/2")$$%."9,!7 On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear: 1. The full name of the play 2. The full name of the playwright 3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado” For preview only

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Page 1: For preview only - Pioneer Drama Service...broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.,

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every

performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights

should be addressed to .

All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio

broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign

languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose

permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part

may be given.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of

America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or

with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada,

Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the play

2. The full name of the playwright

3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer

Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”

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ii PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

A Digression in One Painfully Long Act

By CHARLIE LOVETT

CAST OF CHARACTERS

# of linesTHE ELIZABETHANS:

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE ........ playwright 30

ANNE HATHAWAY .................... his wife 32

MARIO ....................................... body guard 16

RICHARD BURBAGE ................ manager of the Globe Theatre 17

THE DANES:

BERNARDO .............................. security guard 12

OMELETTE, SR. ....................... great chef 25

OMELETTE ............................... his son 54

HORATIO .................................. his friend 12

CLAUDIUS ................................ his uncle 17

GERTRUDE .............................. his mother 19

LAERTES .................................. Ophelia’s brother 17

OPHELIA ................................... Omelette’s girlfriend 17

POLONIUS ................................ Ophelia’s father 34

ROSENCRANTZ ....................... servant and conjoined twin of 11Guildenstern

GUILDENSTERN ...................... servant and conjoined twin of 13Rosencrantz

GROUCHO ................................ traveling actor 22

CHICO ....................................... another 16

HARPO ...................................... another 4

ZEPPO ...................................... another 9

OSRIC ....................................... Omelette’s understudy 18

GRAVEDIGGER ........................ gravedigger 28

THE SCOTS:

GRAYMALKIN ........................... witch 21

PADDOCK ................................. witch 22

HARPIER................................... witch 25

BOZO ........................................ incompetent witch 15

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iii

MACGREGOR........................... Scot 14

MACDONALD............................ Scot 15

MACBETH ................................. onetime king of Scotland 49

LADY MACBETH ....................... his wife 19

SETTING

Time: Summer 1599.

Place: The Globe Theatre, London, England.

The stage is decorated with festive bunting and may have the appearance of either the historic Globe Theatre or a traditional festival stage. The stage may be littered with “backstage” items such as fl ats and rope, but all should be consistent with the late sixteenth century (more or less).

There are two main playing areas: the Globe, which is represented by two chairs UP RIGHT, across from a performance space at LEFT; and backstage, which is played on the FORESTAGE, before the CURTAIN if possible. (NOTE: If there is no curtain, you may wish to have the Globe action take place on a platform to help differentiate between the two playing areas.) In the Globe area, a curtain hangs on the UPSTAGE wall, concealing an EXIT where POLONIUS will hide. Next to the chairs at RIGHT is a gong and hammer. There are two additional EXITS, one STAGE RIGHT and one STAGE LEFT.

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Scene One

AT RISE: The Globe.

: (In BLACKOUT over a microphone from OFFSTAGE. Sounds like a game show host.) Ladies and gentlemen, coming to you live from the Globe Theatre in London, England, the hottest ticket of 1599, it’s William Shakespeare’s plot-stealing extravaganza. (Cheers from OFFSTAGE as LIGHTS SWIRL around the stage.) Now, lords and ladies, playwrights and ploughwrights, let’s get ready to rumble. (RAUCOUSMUSIC PLAYS as LIGHTS COME UP and representatives from TEAM DENMARK and TEAM SCOTLAND run ON LEFT. TEAM SCOTLAND, comprised of the FOUR WITCHES, are dressed in plaid. TEAM DENMARK, comprised of OMELETTE, OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and POLONIUS, wear heavy winter coats. The TEAMS may wear team t-shirts, wave fl ags, etc. MARIO ENTERS RIGHT and stands behind chairs. As BURBAGE talks, the TEAMS may stretch as if preparing for a sporting event. BURBAGE ENTERS RIGHT, carrying a microphone [See PRODUCTION NOTES.] and crosses CENTER to address AUDIENCE.) Yes, it’s March Madness here at the Globe Theatre.

: Actually, it’s July.

: Who are you?

: I’m da body guard. You got a problem with that?

: Whose body guard?

: You know… his body guard.

: He’s here?

: Just waiting for you to introduce him.

: Fantastic. (Addresses AUDIENCE.) Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the duke of drama, the prince of poetry, the sultan of sonnets, the greatest writer of quotes in the history of the English language, all the way from Stratford-upon-Avon, the bodacious Bard himself, Mr. William Shakespeare. (SHAKESPEARE ENTERS RIGHT and waves to the TEAMS and to the AUDIENCE. Cheers from the TEAMS.)

: Ooo, isn’t he the one who wrote “one potato, two potato”?

: “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck”?

: “Liar, liar, pants on fi re”?

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: (ENTERS RIGHT and stands next to SHAKESPEARE.) Silence, idiots. Mr. Shakespeare is the author of timeless gems of poetry. The one that comes to mind is “What fools these mortals be.”

: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.

: Neither a borrower nor a lender be.

: Kiss me, Kate.

: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

: Brevity is the soul of wit.

: All’s well that ends well.

: I am slow of study.

: The fi rst thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.

: I do wish I’d thought of “liar, liar, pants on fi re.”

: And tonight, my husband has promised that before our revels have ended, he will pen a new quote. (A gasp and applause from the TEAMS.)

: Ms. Anne Hathaway, ladies and gentlemen. Wife of Shakespeare and owner of one of the most popular tourist attractions in England.

: It’s only a cottage.

: Okay, folks, listen up, please. I need everyone’s attention. My name is Richard Burbage, and I am manager of the Globe.

: You manage the entire world?

: No, I am manager of the Globe Theatre, this glorious structure in which we fi nd ourselves. (Indicates the theater with his hands, looks all around. After a pause, to the AUDIENCE.) Use your imagination, ladies and gentlemen. (To the TEAMS.) Now, I just want to go over the rules for today’s competition. Everyone knows that Mr. Shakespeare steals the plots of his plays from other countries.

: Great artists steal, lesser artists borrow.

: I like that. Is that one of mine?

: No, dear, I stole it from T. S. Eliot.

: You mean Mr. Shakespeare here didn’t make up his own plots?

: Sometimes he did, but Romeo and Juliet, for instance, was based on an Italian story.

: And then there was Measure for Measure. The story for that was also Italian.

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: And The Comedy of Errors was based on a Roman play.

: In other words, Italian.

: So, what you’re saying is that Shakespeare steals all his plots from Italy?

: Not all of them. There’s The Two Gentlemen of Verona.

: But Verona is in Italy.

: Yes, but the story came from Portugal.

: The point is that, having run out of Italian stories, Mr. Shakespeare is hosting this little contest to see what country will provide the plot for his next play. Got it? Now, is the team from Denmark here? (Huge cheers erupt from TEAM DENMARK.)

: Long live Denmark!

: And the team from Scotland? (Huge cheers from TEAM SCOTLAND.)

: Scotland the brave!

: Scotland for aye!

: That should be Scotland for me, lad. Always use the objective pronoun after a preposition.

: What do you know about the English language?

: Are you kidding me? I’m William Shakespeare. I practically invented modern English. I have a vocabulary of almost 30,000 words and I invented nearly 2,000 new words. I even wrote the quote “words, words, words.”

: Yet with all that, he still doesn’t understand the words “take out the garbage.”

: Yes, um… now, you know the rules. Mr. Shakespeare will decide which team goes fi rst. If at any time he is dissatisfi ed with the performance for any reason, he will ring the gong, and the other team will take the stage.

: (Sits in one of the chairs. ANNE HATHAWAY sits next to him.) So, these two plays— What are they about?

: If it please your… your… how should I address Mr. Shakespeare?

: Well, he is a bard.

: Very well. If it please your bardness, ours is the story of a great Dane.

: It’s the story of a dog?

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: You misunderstand, your bardness. He is not so much a great Dane as a mediocre Dane.

: Well, to be fair, we should at least call him a moderately good Dane.

: I don’t know. Do we mean great morally and ethically, or are we referring more to his political and economic achievements?

: Will you stop bickering and tell us about this dog?

: He’s not a dog, your grace, he’s a chef.

: Omelette, chef of Denmark.

: Inventor of the cheese Danish.

: Originator of the cheese straw.

: And creator of that most famous dish which bears his name, the cheese omelette.

: And this Omelette is the star of your play?

: Our tale is a comedy about that legendary time when Omelette disappeared and his brother Claudius took over the kitchen of Chez Omelette.

: That sounds more like a French restaurant than a Danish one.

: It was a French restaurant in Denmark.

: (To TEAM SCOTLAND.) And what about your play?

: Our play is a dark tragedy of power, betrayal and lies.

: Filled with death.

: Murder.

: Mayhem.

: Insurance fraud.

: Right. I think I’ll start with the Omelette, hold the lies. (MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS.) Hey, that’s not Danish music.

: YOU try coming up with Danish theme music. (TEAMDENMARK EXITS LEFT. CURTAIN.)

End of Scene One

Scene Two

LIGHTS UP: Backstage, played on the FORESTAGE. MACGREGOR and MACDONALD ENTER RIGHT in full Scottish garb. They speak in thick Scottish brogues. MACBETH, LADY MACBETH and the FOUR WITCHES ENTER LEFT.

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: So, are we goin’ fi rst?

: Not exactly.

: When are we goin’?

: Last.

: Listen, everybody, I know you’re disappointed he picked the Danes to go fi rst, but there must still be a way we can win this competition.

: Aye. We cheat!

: Absolutely.

: What about an evil enchantment that will make them all forget their lines?

: Or a hex that will freeze them to a spot backstage?

: How about water balloons?

: Those are all good ideas, but what we need is a plan of sabotage so nefarious that Shakespeare will wish he’d never heard of Omelette.

: What does nefarious mean?

: What does sabotage mean?

: Who’s Shakespeare?

: I think what Macbeth is trying to say is that we have to be sure that something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

: Correct. Now, fi rst task—intelligence.

: (Pulls out a playbill and waves it.) I found a copy of their playbill. They’ve got one ghost, eight scenes, a play within a play, a sword fi ght and a gravedigger.

: Good work, Paddock. Second task—props.

: You and I can take care of that, my lord. Shovels, swords, cups of poison— We’ll be sure nothing’s where it’s supposed to be.

: And when they do fi nd their props… well, let’s just say Lady Macbeth and I will have a few surprises waiting for them.

: What about costumes?

: Leave that to Harpier and me. I think with some careful rearranging, we can make fools of those Danes.

: And a few subtle onstage attacks might help, too.

: Fantastic.

: By the time this play is over, the name of our play will be synonymous with disaster in the theatre!

: What is the name of our play?

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: (Except MACGREGOR and MACDONALD.) Macbeth! (Cheersfrom TEAM SCOTLAND.)

: What’s the greatest country on the North Sea?!

: Scotland! We love haggis, we love plaid, we’re from Scotland and we are bad! (More cheers. BAGPIPE MUSIC plays as ALL SCOTS EXIT RIGHT.)

End of Scene Two

Scene Three

Backstage. POLONIUS ENTERS LEFT, followed by OMELETTE, CLAUDIUS, LAERTES, OSRIC and the GRAVEDIGGER.

: Okay, now. The others are getting into costume for the fi rst act, but I just want to say good luck, everybody.

: Don’t say “good luck”! Don’t you know it’s bad luck to say “good luck”?

: Yeah, Shakespeare said “good luck” to Burbage right before opening night of Richard the Third, and Burbage tripped over his own club foot and broke his leg.

: Well, what should I say, then?

: I guess if “good luck” means somebody’s going to break a leg, then you should say “break a leg” if you want us to have good luck.

: Fine, break a leg, everybody.

: Let’s go, team!

: Let’s hear it for Denmark!

: We’re Danish when it snows, we’re Danish when it rains, and everybody knows, we are the great Danes! (MARIACHIMUSIC PLAYS as ALL DANES EXIT LEFT.)

End of Scene Three

Scene Four

CURTAIN UP: The Globe. The SHAKESPEARES sit in their chairs. MARIO stands behind them, BURBAGE nearby. BURBAGE holds his microphone as he speaks to the AUDIENCE.

: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. You can just feel the excitement here at the Globe as Team Denmark prepares to take the stage for Scene One. This is the scene where Bernardo, the security guard, discovers a ghost in the parking lot of Chez Omelette. It should be an exciting start. (EXITS RIGHT. BERNARDO ENTERS LEFT, dressed as a security guard, while OMELETTE, SR. ENTERS RIGHT, covered in a white sheet.)

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: Oooooooooo. Oooooooo.

: Stand back, Sir Ghost, on pain of death.

: What do you mean, on pain of death? I’m a ghost. I’m already dead.

: Oh, right. Well, stand back, Sir Ghost, on pain of… of my getting very angry with you, and tell me whom you seek.

: I seek Omelette, Jr., son of the greatest chef in all of Denmark.

: I thought Claudius was the greatest chef in all of Denmark.

: Do not speak that name to me. The mere thought of that man in my kitchen sets me spinning in my grave.

: Well?

: Well, what?

: I’m waiting for you to start spinning.

: Oh, right. (Begins to twirl around.): (Sneaks ON RIGHT and snatches the sheet from

OMELETTE, SR.) Good luck being a ghost without a sheet! (RunsOFF RIGHT with an evil laugh. OMELETTE, SR. is left in his long underwear.)

: Don’t say “good luck.” It’s bad luck. Say “break a leg.”

: Would you excuse me for a moment? (Runs OFF RIGHT, and we hear him fall and cry out in pain.)

: What is it?

: (From OFF RIGHT.) One of those Scots tripped me. I think I broke my leg!

: But what about the scene?

: Play it without me.

: (Looks confused.) I am sorry, Sir Ghost, for mentioning the name of your mortal enemy, Claudius. (Pauses as if waiting for the ghost to speak. Finally replies to the unspoken lines.) Truer words were never spoken by any ghost. (HORATIO ENTERS LEFT.) What ho, Horatio! Come hither and see this specter.

: What specter?

: The ghost that haunts this parking lot.

: I don’t see any ghost.

: He broke his leg, okay. Look, just keep the play going until I get back with Omelette.

: But the ghost is Omelette’s ghost.

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: That’s Omelette, Senior, the great chef. I go to seek his son, Omelette, Jr. (EXITS LEFT.)

: (Looks nervously at the AUDIENCE.) So, folks, how are you doing today? I tell you, I just fl ew in from Denmark and boy, are my arms tired. (Beat.) But seriously, folks, don’t you just love London? I mean, look up here. (Motions to SHAKESPEARE.) This guy has more great plays than Michael Jordan and David Beckham put together.

: Who is Michael Jordan?

: I believe he’s an associate of Kit Marlowe, dear. (OMELETTE ENTERS LEFT, wearing an outrageous and colorful outfi t.)

: It’s about time you got here. I thought you were going to wear black.

: I couldn’t fi nd my costume.

: But you’re supposed to be dark and brooding. You look like you had a cat fi ght in a paint shop. (PADDOCK ENTERS LEFT, creeps across STAGE with OMELETTE’S black costume on a hanger, then EXITS RIGHT.)

: Look, just work with me, okay?

: Fine. Greetings, sad Omelette. We sent for you that you may speak to this strange spirit.

: What strange spirit?

: He’s not here.

: What do you mean, he’s not here?

: He broke his leg.

: (From OFF RIGHT.) Oooooooo. Ooooooooo.

: How am I supposed to play the scene if the ghost broke his leg?

: Well, it’s like I always say, you can’t perform Omelette without breaking some legs.

: Not a bad quote, dear, but I think it needs some work.

: Very well, sad Omelette. I leave you here to speak to the specter in private. (EXITS LEFT.)

: Hey, wait a minute! Sorry about this, ladies and gentlemen, but we seem to be having a slight technical diffi culty.

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: (ENTERS RIGHT with LADY MACBETH.) Fear not, for we, the Scots, are ready to step into the breach and perform our mysterious tragedy of Macbeth.

: Our play begins when three witches meet during a raging storm.

: (Sticks his head ON from OFF RIGHT.) Four witches, actually.

: What is going on here? My husband has not yet rung his gong. Let the Danes continue.

: Fine. We’ll bide our time. Besides, these Danes won’t last much longer. (EXITS RIGHT with LADY MACBETH.)

: So, here I stand in the dark of night, summoned by my father’s ghost. Perhaps while we’re waiting I could give you a little background. My father, Omelette, Sr., was the greatest chef in all Denmark, but he disappeared under strange circumstances. Only a few days later, his brother, my Uncle Claudius, took over the family restaurant, Chez Omelette, and lately my mother has even been sharing recipes with him.

: (ENTERS RIGHT with his sheet back on but on crutches.) Omelette, Omelette, I am your father. I come to you from beyond the grave.

: But this is supposed to be a comedy. You can’t be dead.

: Oh, right. Well, anyway, I come to you from beyond my mysterious disappearance. You must avenge me, my son. My brother Claudius has taken control of Chez Omelette. He cooks in my kitchen and uses my recipes.

: It is disgraceful, I know.

: Avenge me, my son.

: I will, Father, I will.

: (As he EXITS RIGHT.) Swear.

: I swear.

: (From OFF RIGHT.) Swear!

: I said I swear.

: (Now speaks through a microphone, much amplifi ed.) Swear!

: Look, I told you I swear, okay! Now, will you knock it off? You’re going to wake the neighbors. (EXITS LEFT. CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Four

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Scene Five

LIGHTS UP: Backstage. GRAYMALKIN and HARPIER ENTER LEFT and MACBETH and LADY MACBETH RIGHT.

: (Holds up a script.) Look, we found a copy of their script.

: Excellent work. Now we can bring them bad luck at every turn.

: And we’ve already made a few changes to make the play a wee bit more interesting.

: You Scottish fools. It’s no good changing the script now. They’ve already learned their parts.

: No, that’s the beauty of it. Every time they go backstage, they grab scripts and work on their lines. It’s like they’re a bunch of high school students. In fact, we’ve already done some tampering and it worked like a charm.

: Now we’ve got Omelette’s script. It says in the next scene he’s supposed to act lazy to attract the attention of his mother, Gertrude, away from his Uncle Claudius.

: So we just changed “lazy” to “crazy” and made up some nonsense about putting on an antic disposition.

: Excellent. Come, Scots. Let us retire to watch the fun.

: And you two had better put that script back before Omelette goes looking for it. (ALL EXIT LEFT.)

End of Scene Five

Scene Six

CURTAIN UP: The Globe. THE SHAKESPEARES and MARIO are ONSTAGE. CLAUDIUS ENTERS LEFT in chef’s attire, followed by GERTRUDE, dressed as a hostess, and POLONIUS, LAERTES and OPHELIA, all dressed as waiters.

: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight begins a new era in the history of Chez Omelette. (Applause from the OTHERS.) Tonight, to celebrate the great cultural heritage of western Denmark, I introduce the western omelette. (More applause.)

: I’m sure if my husband were here, he would be thrilled at his brother’s new invention.

: Begging a moment, Sir Claudius, but I would like to add another reason for celebration tonight.

: And what is that, good Polonius?

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: Today my son, Laertes, has received a letter from France. He has been accepted into Cordon Bleu, the greatest cooking school in all Europe.

: Oh, brother! I am so proud of you. Someday you will return with the knowledge of how to make French bread.

: French toast.

: French fries.

: True, my friends. But I will always be a patriot of Denmark. So, on my return, we shall celebrate with a meal of Danish bread, Danish toast and Danish fries.

: We must send a trusted servant to escort you to France, good Laertes. Rosencrantz! Guildenstern!

: (ENTER LEFT. They are conjoined twins attached at the waist. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) You called, your chefness?

: Laertes is bound this night for France, and one of you must escort him there. Flip a coin to decide which one. (ROSENCRANTZtakes a coin from his pocket, and he and GUILDENSTERN fl ip it repeatedly during the ensuing conversation.)

: Before you go, my son, I wish to offer you some advice.

: (Takes out a feather quill and a scroll of paper [or modern day pen and notepad].) Yes, Father?

: I will always remember the words my father spoke to me after he had failed in his careers as a miner and a tailor. He said, “Neither a burrower nor a mender be.”

: Is that all, Father?

: That’s all I’ve got. Anybody else have one?

: Don’t take any wooden ducats. (SHAKESPEARE pulls out his own feather quill and paper scroll and begins to scribble notes. ANNE HATHAWAY pulls out a small ink bottle and offers it to him to dip his quill.)

: It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

: Success is 90 percent perspiration, so take some deodorant.

: A stitch in time saves eight.

: I thought it was nine.

: Infl ation. A stitch doesn’t go as far as it used to.

: My grandfather was a bartender, and I’ll never forget what he used to say when he was mixing up the last of the lime juice. You can’t make a gimlet without shaking the dregs.

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: Hey, slow down. These are good.

: (To ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.) So, which of you will escort my son across the sea to France?

: We don’t know, sir.

: Every time we fl ip the coin it comes up heads.

: And who chose heads?

/ : I did.

: Well, I suppose you’d both better take him. (EmbracesLAERTES.) Good-bye, my son.

: Good-bye, Father. (Embraces OPHELIA.) Good-bye, sister. (EXITS LEFT.)

: (To GUILDENSTERN.) You go upstairs and get the baggage, and I’ll go downstairs and call a taxi.

: I always have to carry the baggage. (They EXIT LEFT and a LOUD CRASH IS HEARD OFFSTAGE.)

: Now, if only my nephew Omelette were here to share in tonight’s success.

: (ENTERS RIGHT with his hair in disarray, clothes on backwards, etc. Acts like a raving lunatic, his speech punctuated by gibberish.) But I am here, Uncle.

: Good nephew, are you quite well? (OMELETTE makes a loud crazy noise and runs around in circles.)

: (Grabs OMELETTE by the arm and stops him.) What are you doing?

: I’m acting crazy, just like it said in the script.

: It doesn’t say anything in my script about your acting crazy.

: Well, it does in my script. I was just reading it backstage. Now, back off, girlfriend, I’m going after Claudius. (Rushes toward CLAUDIUS as if to attack him. POLONIUS restrains him.) Most foul Claudius! May your fl ans fall fl at, your souffl és suffer sabotage and may you char your chops to charcoal!

: Omelette, restrain yourself from this mad alliteration!

: (Shouts as POLONIUS drags him OFF LEFT.) From this day forward, may no one go cuckoo for your Cocoa Puffs.

: What was that all about?

: He said it was in his script, my lord, but I suspect foul play.

: Well, I’m fi xing chicken for dinner.

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: I will speak to him, brother. In the meantime, you’d best return to the kitchen. The crowds await the arrival of the western omelette. (EXITS RIGHT with OPHELIA. CLAUDIUS EXITS LEFT.)

: (ENTERS through AUDIENCE with MACGREGOR. A SPOT COMES UP on them. [NOTE: If you are using a platform to represent the Globe, they can simply ENTER RIGHT and move FAR DOWN RIGHT, out of hearing of the SHAKESPEARES.]) I cannot understand why Macbeth has not given us a job to do.

: Aye. The MacGregor clan has been experts in causin’ trouble for hundreds o’ years.

: Aye. So have we MacDonalds.

: Rob Roy was a MacGregor, and my grandfather used to terrorize wee small rabbits in his garden.

: Well, we MacDonalds have raised the cholesterol o’ the whole planet by 42 points.

: Aye, but you do make good Scottish fries.

: Look, I know my clan and your clan have not always gotten along, but what do you say we bury the haggis and go and cause some trouble together.

: Spoken like a true Scot. What e’er the next scene be, we’ll be ruinin’ it for those fi lthy sons o’ Vikings. (EXITS through AUDIENCE [or RIGHT] with MACDONALD.)

End of Scene Six

Scene Seven

The Globe. SHAKESPEARES and MARIO are still ONSTAGE. POLONIUS is ONSTAGE, but hidden behind the UPSTAGE curtain. BURBAGE ENTERS RIGHT with a chair, which he places RIGHT, then EXITS. OMELETTE ENTERS LEFT, and GERTRUDE ENTERS RIGHT.

: Omelette, you have your mother much offended.

: Lady, you have my father much offended.

: Well, you have your father’s brother much offended.

: Well, you have my father’s brother’s nephew much offended.

: Well, you have your father’s brother’s nephew’s mother much offended.

: Well, you––

: Hang on, who are we talking about now?

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: Pay attention, dear.

: I thought he was supposed to be this dramatic genius, and he can’t even follow a simple Danish dialogue.

: (Indicates OMELETTE.) I’m mad at my son for acting like such a fool at the restaurant.

: (Indicates GERTRUDE.) And I’m mad at my mother for sharing Father’s recipes with Uncle Claudius.

: Omelette, sit here while I tell you the truth about your father’s recipes.

: You sit, Mother, for I feel my madness coming on.

: (Moves toward chair, but MACGREGOR and MACDONALD sneak ON RIGHT and snatch the chair away just as she is about to sit. Falls. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.] MACGREGOR and MACDONALD high-fi ve each other and sneak OFF RIGHT with the chair.) Help!

: (From behind the curtain.) My lady!

: How now, a rat! Take that, you spying recipe-stealer. (Pulls out a knife and stabs through the curtain.)

: (ENTERS from behind the curtain.) Ow. What did you do that for? You’re supposed to use a fake knife.

: (Holds up the knife and examines it.) This is the one that was on the props table.

: Well, it hurt. And I think you tore my pants. I was supposed to be the maître d’ tonight. I can’t be maître d’ at Chez Omelette with torn pants.

: Someone has been messing with our props. (Takes knife from OMELETTE.) This knife could really hurt someone.

: Something very strange is going on in this play.

: (Sticks his head ON.) Aye, indeed something strange be going on. Ring the gong!

: (Sticks his head ON.) Aye, bring on the Scots!

: (Raises the hammer to the gong, then lowers it again.) No. Not yet. I should like to see a little more of this Danish concoction. Prepare the next scene.

: (Curtseys.) Thank you, your bardness. (To OMELETTE and POLONIUS.) Come on, let’s get out of here before he changes his mind. (EXITS LEFT with OMELETTE and POLONIUS. CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Seven

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Scene Eight

LIGHTS UP: Backstage. MACBETH ENTERS LEFT with LADY MACBETH, who carries a fl agon.

: Ha! Did you see the look on Polonius’s face when Omelette tore his pants with a real knife?

: Just wait until I get done with this wine. Gertrude will have a little surprise to fi nish the play.

: IF they fi nish the play. I expect to hear the royal gong soon. Are you sure nobody saw you take that?

: I waited until Burbage got through checking the props table.

: Those Danes won’t be so great when we’re through with them.

: Shakespeare will be begging for the tragedy of Macbeth. (EXITS LEFT with MACBETH.)

: (ENTERS RIGHT with the OTHER WITCHES. They wear black cloaks, except for BOZO, who is dressed in a clown costume. They carry a cauldron with a long-handled spoon or stirring paddle. They set it down and stir.) Double, double, toil and trouble.

: Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

: (Pulls ingredients from a cloth sack and puts them in the cauldron.) Eye of newt and toe of frog,Wool of bat and tongue of dog.

: (Pulls ingredients from a cloth sack and puts them in the cauldron.) Pixie sticks and candy rocks,Red wax lips and—

: What do you think you’re doing?

: Helping with the potion. (Looks through bag.) But I can’t fi nd anything in here that rhymes with candy rocks. Ah, here we go. Smelly socks. (Drops a pair of socks into the cauldron.)

: This is the double, double toil and trouble potion, not child’s play. Now we have to start over.

: Yeah, and I’m almost out of newt eyes.

: (ENTERS LEFT with LADY MACBETH.) How now, most hideous witches. Have ye devised a devious way to disrupt the dastardly Danes?

: We had, until Bozo here dumped pixie sticks into the mix.

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: And what, pray tell, is the purpose of this poisonous potion?

: Traveling on the road by the dark of night, we came across a group of actors bound for Chez Omelette.

: They have been hired by Omelette to perform before his Uncle Claudius.

: Omelette believes that if the players re-enact his father’s disappearance, Claudius will confess to sending the old man away so he could take over the restaurant.

: So what does your potion have to do with that?

: This potion will cast a spell on the actors. They won’t remember their lines.

: They won’t remember their blocking.

: They’ll be a lot like high school drama students.

: A brilliant plan, oh most foul and frumious witches.

: It would have been, if Bozo had kept his pixie sticks to himself.

: Some people just don’t appreciate creative curses.

: Is there not time to brew a new potion?

: Hark, the players approach. We must fl y and let the pixie sticks curse run its course. (EXITS LEFT with GRAYMALKIN and HARPIER, carrying the cauldron.)

: So, will they know their lines?

: Well, most of them will know their lines just fi ne.

: But will they know their blocking?

: Put it this way, they’ll know some blocking.

: So, what’s the point of this curse?

: Well, aside from the fact that they will develop toe fungus, they won’t be acting exactly the way they did in rehearsal.

: What do you mean?

: Hide you here behind this curtain and watch. (He, MACBETH and LADY MACBETH EXIT LEFT.)

End of Scene Eight

Scene Nine

CURTAIN UP. The Globe. The SHAKESPEARES, BURBAGE, and MARIO are ONSTAGE.

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: Well, this is an interesting move by the Danes. They’re going for the play-within-the-play play. You may recall, ladies and gentlemen, that the team from Greece used the play-within-the-play very effectively two years ago in A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

: Yes, but that was a comedy. Whatever the Danes call it, this looks like a tragedy to me.

: Right you are, my lady. So you’ve got to see this as a risky move. (EXITS RIGHT.)

: (ENTERS LEFT with CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE and POLONIUS, all with chairs. They arrange the chairs to the sides of the stage, leaving playing space in the CENTER. Next to OMELETTE is an empty chair. After they sit, OPHELIA ENTERS LEFT.) Ophelia, Ophelia. I saved a seat for you.

: Fine, I’ll sit by you, but only if you behave better than you did at the last play. (Sits by OMELETTE.)

: (Stands.) Good evening, folks. Are you ready for the play-within-the-play?

: Yes, we’re ready. Get on with it.

: He wasn’t talking to you, dear, he was talking to them. (Indicates the DANES.)

: Sometimes I wonder if Ms. Hathaway didn’t write all those plays.

: No, just the sonnets.

: I’d like to remind you to please silence your pagers during the performance and that all sketching, drawing and transcribing is strictly forbidden. (LIGHTS DIM. Throughout the play-within-the-play, OMELETTE is distracted, turning to talk with OTHERS, playing with candy wrappers and staring at CLAUDIUS. He pays no attention to OPHELIA.)

: (Sticks his head ON from behind curtain UP CENTER.) Behold, the enchanted actors. (Withdraws his head.)

: (ENTERS LEFT with CHICO, HARPO and ZEPPO, dressed as and acting like the Marx Brothers. Bows to ANNE HATHAWAY.) Good evening, Mrs. Shakespeare. Did anyone ever tell you you’re a gorgeous playwright’s wife?

: Why, no.

: Well, they never will. But seriously, you have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. One of them, anyway. (HARPOlunges at ANNE HATHAWAY, who leaps up and runs from him. He chases her around the stage.) Well, at least somebody likes her.

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: (Shocked.) What’s the meaning of this?

: I don’t know. It’sa all Danish to me.

: (Restrains HARPO.) That’s enough from you. You can’t chase Mrs. Shakespeare around like that.

: Oh, yeah? How should he chase her around?

: (Feels MARIO’S muscles.) You’re lucky to have this one. He ought to keep you safe into your old age, which will be here in a couple of weeks.

: (Indignant.) Gentlemen! Your conduct leaves me speechless.

: Well, just see that you stay that way.

: (Still holds HARPO, who struggles to get away.) What should I do with him?

: What would you like to do with him, Lieutenant?

: Inspector.

: (Indicates ANNE HATHAWAY.) Inspect her yourself. I have a play to perform.

: I do hope it won’t be necessary to arrest him. We’ll need him to present the play.

: As long as we don’t have no more trouble, I’m not gonna arrest nobody.

: Atsa okay. I could use a rest. (MARIO releases HARPO, who lunges once at ANNE HATHAWAY and then backs off. ANNE HATHAWAY returns to her seat.)

: Okay, get on with it.

: Ladies and gentlemen… are there any gentlemen… all right then, ladies and loiterers. Tonight we present for you a play about how I kidnapped Omelette in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I have no idea.

: Thatsa right. (Indicates HARPO.) Mya friend here, he’sa gonna play the part of Omelette, the great Danish chef. (HARPOpulls a frying pan out of his overcoat.)

: But isn’t Omelette here in the audience tonight?

: No, thatsa Omelette, Jr. This one isa Omelette, Sr.

: I think it should be Señor Omelette.

: (Directly to CLAUDIUS.) And if any of you startsa feeling guilty cause you’re’a da one who really kidnapped Omelette, Sr., you be sure to jump up and down and yell witha remorse.

: What if he doesn’t have a horse?

: He said remorse. It means I’m sorry.

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: Well, you should be.

: Our story begins when Omelette concocts his famous recipe for the cheese omelette. Someone is jealous. Someone wishes he came up with the recipe. Someone is green with envy.

: Someone is hogging the stage.

: One night, he is looking for his recipe, but he can’t fi nd it. (HARPO mimes looking for something.)

: Maybe it’s in the cookbook. You can look for it under eggs. Look for it under Mrs. Shakespeare if you have to. (HARPOlooks under ANNE HATHAWAY’S skirt and is chased away by MARIO.)

: Say, how much are they paying you guys?

: Well, thata depends. If we do the play, we getta ten dollars a night.

: And if you don’t do the play?

: We getta twelve dollars a night.

: What if we wanted you to leave?

: Oh, you couldn’t afford that.

: So, Omelette had lost his recipe. But that was the least of his worries. He still knew how to make a cheese omelette. (HARPOtakes a block of cheese out of his coat and drops it into the pan. He takes an egg out of his coat and drops it into the pan. He looks around, wandering the stage.)

: What’s he looking for now?

: He’sa looking for a stove to cooka da omelette.

: A stove, a stove, his kingdom for a stove.

: Nice quote.

: While Omelette looked for his missing stove, two gentlemen arrived and kidnapped him.

: I resemble that remark. I’ve worked hard all my life to keep from being called a gentleman.

: Well, two fi ends came and kidnapped him.

: That’s more like it. With fi ends like us, who needs gentlemen? (With CHICO, picks up HARPO by the arms. HARPO tries to run away, but his feet do not reach the fl oor.)

: We can’ta hold him lika this forever, boss.

: You’re right. You hold him… (To ZEPPO.) …and you go get a steamer. (ZEPPO EXITS LEFT. GROUCHO lets go of HARPO’S arm. HARPO still tries to run, but now only one foot reaches the ground.)

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: You can’ta steam him boss, he’sa too big.

: Well, all I know is I’ll be steamed if you let him go. (TheDANES and SHAKESPEARES groan. ZEPPO RE-ENTERS with an empty trunk.) They can’t all be good jokes.

: Yes, but you’d think one of them could be good.

: Justa set the trunk right there. (ZEPPO sets up the trunk vertically and opens it. CHICO aims HARPO towards the trunk and then lets him go. HARPO runs into the trunk. CHICO and GROUCHO close the trunk.) Now thatsa what I call a sardine omelette.

: (To CLAUDIUS.) Is any of this familiar to you? Because I never heard it before in my life, and I wrote the play.

: Hey, boss, this is pretty heavy. I’ma not sure we can carry it.

: Well, maybe there’s something we can take out. (To the trunk.) Say, is my suit in there? (HARPO honks a horn inside the trunk.) No, my suit’s in the key of C and that’s a B fl at.

: Well, you’da be fl at too if you wasa inside the trunk.

: (Tries to lift the trunk without success.) I have an idea. (Indicates the trunk.) Why doesn’t he lift the trunk?

: That’sa good thinking. (Opens the trunk, and HARPO gets out. They close the trunk and lay it down. HARPO and CHICO lift it up.) Now it’sa no problem. We canna kidnap him good now.

: And my mother said I would never amount to anything. (Sits on the trunk.) Of course, that was this morning. (CHICOand HARPO carry the trunk, with GROUCHO atop it, OFF LEFT. LIGHTS GO UP.)

: Well, that’s our show, ladies and gentlemen. If you liked it, tipping is permitted.

: (RE-ENTERS.) And if you didn’t like it, tipping is mandatory. (Applause as CHICO and HARPO ENTER LEFT, and all FOUR MARX BROTHERS take bows and then EXIT RIGHT.)

: I do believe that was the silliest play I’ve ever seen.

: Don’t be ridiculous, dear. What about The Two Gentlemen of Verona?

: To bed, all, our night’s revels have ended.

: But it’s only nine o’clock, and it’s not even a school night.

: I said to bed! (DANES EXIT LEFT except OMELETTE and OPHELIA.)

End of Scene Nine

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Scene Ten

Immediately following.

: I never was so insulted in all my life. You ask me to sit next to you, and then you spend the whole play rattling candy wrappers and talking to the people in the next row.

: But you have to understand, darling. I’m under a lot of pressure. I’m supposed to be avenging my father, plus I have an algebra test on Tuesday.

: And the worst part was the way you kept staring at Claudius. Maybe you should ask him out on a date instead of me.

: I’m not sure that would help the avenging all that much. But he is pretty good at algebra.

: Oh, put a cork in it, Omelette. We’re through, do you hear me? Through! I never want to see you again. And I can’t wait to see what Laertes does to you when he gets back.

: But then wouldn’t you have to see me again?

: Good-bye! (EXITS LEFT.): (Calls after her.) But I was going to ask you to marry me!

Or at least tutor me in algebra.

: (ENTERS LEFT with GUILDENSTERN.) Greetings,sad prince. What makes you such a melancholy Dane?

: Ophelia just walked out on me.

: Well, I always say, you can’t break up with Omelette without using your legs.

: That’s better, but it’s still not quite right.

: Say, what are you two doing here anyway? I thought you went to France with Laertes.

: (Indicates GUIDENSTERN.) We had a little incident when he insisted on going upstairs for the baggage.

: (Indicates ROSENCRANTZ.) No, it was when he insisted on going downstairs to call a taxi.

: So where did you end up going?

: To the hospital.

: But now we have a new assignment.

: That’s right. Chef Claudius wants us to watch you and fi nd out if you’re really crazy or you’re just pretending.

: And what do you think?

: (Spoken at the same time as GUILDENSTERN’S next line.) Crazy.

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: Pretending. (They look at each other. Spoken at the same time as ROSENCRANTZ’S next line.) Crazy.

: Pretending.

: Shall we give him the test?

: Okay, Omelette. Can you tell the difference between this and this? (Holds up a stuffed bird and a handsaw.)

: Sure, that’s a hawk and that’s a handsaw. (Points at the wrong items.)

: Well, I think that’s all the information we need for now. But remember, we’ll be watching you.

: Oh, yeah? Well, watch my next scene. It’s a soliloquy that will knock Will Shakespeare’s socks off. (ROSENCRANTZand GUILDENSTERN EXIT LEFT.)

: Oh, dear. I’m rather attached to these socks.

: Calm down, dear, it’s just a metaphor.

: And now I must away to prepare for my great soliloquy. (EXITS LEFT. CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Ten

Scene Eleven

LIGHTS UP: Backstage. MACBETH and LADY MACBETH ENTER LEFT as MACGREGOR and MACDONALD ENTER RIGHT. They ALL meet at CENTER.

: Okay, lads, this is a big chance for us. After the work the witches did on the play-within-the-play, all we have to do is wreck the soliloquy, and the gong will be ringing.

: Why do we need to wreck it if it’s already so silly?

: Not so silly, ya fool of a MacGregor, soliloquy.

: It’s a long speech delivered directly to the audience and expressing the inner thoughts of the character.

: We knew that, didn’t we? (MACGREGOR nods.) : And the beauty of this soliloquy is that Omelette

hasn’t memorized it.

: Been too busy studying for his algebra test and trying to avenge his father.

: So how can he speak it if he doesn’t know it?

: Cue cards.

: Oh, that’s right clever, that is.

: Aye, I bet a MacGregor must’ve thoughta that.

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: So all we need to do is steal his cue cards and replace them with our own version.

: (Pulls out a stack of cue cards.) Listen to this. These are Omelette’s cards. (Reads from the fi rst card.) “I wonder if I should just give up on this whole mess—kill myself or something. I mean, sometimes life is just more trouble than it’s worth. Problem is, I’m scared of death.”

: (Sniffs.) That’s bleedin’ beautiful.

: (Wipes a tear from his own eye.) Too right.

: Well, if you think that’s beautiful, wait till you hear the version I wrote. (Holds out another stack of cue cards. OTHERS crowd around to see and laugh at what they read.)

: (Laughs.) Oh, MacGregor, read what this one says.

: (Squints at the card.) Maybe I’ll just wait to hear it in performance. Unless MacDonald here would like to read it for us.

: (Squints at the card.) No, I think you’re right. It’ll be best to hear Omelette tryin’ to get through this gibberish. (ALL laugh and EXIT RIGHT.)

End of Scene Eleven

Scene Twelve

CURTAIN UP: The Globe. BURBAGE, MARIO and the SHAKESPEARES are ONSTAGE.

: (To AUDIENCE, as ever with his microphone.) Well, ladies and gentlemen, the gong is still silent, and it’s time for Omelette’s soliloquy. There’s certainly a lot riding on this speech. And here he comes now. He looks loose and ready to act.

: (ENTERS LEFT as BURBAGE EXITS RIGHT. MACGREGOR and MACDONALD ENTER RIGHT with the cue cards, which they hold up. OMELETTE looks confused but fi nally begins.) To be or not to be, that is the question.

: What’s he talking about? I don’t understand.

: Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune—

: He’s gone off his rocker, that one has. Speak English, man!

: Or at least speak Danish.

: —or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep—no more.

: Does this speech have a point? Because if it does, we should like for you to get to it!

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: You heard the lady.

: I do apologize, Ms. Hathaway. It’s not coming out quite the way I rehearsed it. Some of the words have got a bit muddled.

: It is wrong from beginning to end! Skip to the next scene. (MACGREGOR and MACDONALD high-fi ve each other. OMELETTE bows and EXITS LEFT.)

: (To MACGREGOR and MACDONALD.) Hey, if you’ve got any more of that, I’d love to hear it later. I’ve a feeling there might be some good quotes in that speech. (MACGREGORand MACDONALD shrug and EXIT RIGHT.)

End of Scene Twelve

Scene Thirteen

The Globe. SHAKESPEARES and MARIO are still ONSTAGE. GRAYMALKIN, PADDOCK and HARPIER ENTER LEFT, carrying a cauldron with the long-handled spoon inside.

: Double, double, toil and trouble.

: Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

: Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,Witch’s mummy, maw and gulf. (The WITCHES set the cauldron down and stir it.)

: (ENTERS LEFT. Speaks in a Cockney accent.) Oy. What are you doin’ ’ere? This ’ere’s the Danish play.

: You don’t sound Danish.

: I’m a contract player. Been working at the Globe for six seasons now. Maybe you seen me in Titus Andronicus.

: Afraid we missed that one.

: I was the messenger.

: I’m sure you were marvelous.

: So, like I said, what are you lot doin’ ’ere?

: Well, it’s a graveyard scene, right?

: Yeah, that’s right.

: Well, what could be better for atmosphere in a graveyard than three witches stirring a cauldron?

: I thought there was four witches.

: There were.

: So, what happened to the other one?

: I turned him into a newt. (Holds a newt above the cauldron and then drops it in as the WITCHES laugh.)

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: Right, well, this ’ere’s me big scene, so you lot keep quiet with your atmosphere.

: Oh, we will.

: Bad enough I ’ave to be a gravedigger with no shovel. Somebody’s been stealin’ me bleedin’ props.

: (To the OTHER WITCHES in a stage whisper.) Now, if we only had a goldfi sh liver to complete the potion, we could make the Bard ring that gong. (GRAVEDIGGER crosses away from the WITCHES and mimes digging.)

: (Runs ON LEFT, out of breath, pulling the last of a black costume on.) Sorry I’m late.

: Who are you, then?

: Name’s Osric. Pleased to meet you. (Holds out his hand, but the GRAVEDIGGER ignores it.)

: This scene is supposed to be with Omelette.

: Oh, right. Well, Omelette was a bit shaken up after that business with the soliloquy, and so he asked me to go on instead. I’m his understudy.

: Under what?

: Understudy. You know, if he gets sick or breaks a leg or something, I go on for him.

: But this is me big scene. I don’t want to play it with some under stoogy.

: Understudy. Look, I’m sorry, but he’s resting for the fi nal scene. Hey, at least I found the right costume. It was stuffed into a trashcan backstage.

: All right, let’s get on with it. But I’m complaining to the union when this is over. (Goes back to miming digging.)

: What ho, good gravedigger. What man dost thou dig this grave for?

: For no man, sir.

: For what woman, then?

: For none, neither.

: Who is to be buried in it?

: One who was a woman, but, rest her soul, she’s dead.

: (To PADDOCK.) He’s almost as big a smart alec as you are.

: Oh, yeah? Well, I’m rubber and you’re glue so whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

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: (Writes on his parchment with his feather quill.) I’m rubber, you’re glue. I like that. That’s not Francis Bacon, is it?

: (Runs ON RIGHT with a shovel.) I’m terribly sorry. I can’t imagine where the props keep disappearing to. Here you are. (Hands the shovel to the GRAVEDIGGER and EXITS RIGHT.)

: It’s a bit late now. (Goes back to digging, now with the shovel.)

: Tell me, how long will a man lie in the earth ere he rot?

: What kind of a sick person are you to ask a question like that?

: Sorry, it was in my script.

: Well, it wasn’t in any script I ever saw. Oy, what’s this, then? (Bends over and picks up a goldfi sh.) Here’s one that’s lain in this ground only a few hours.

: Who’s that?

: ’Tis Yorick, the Danish goldfi sh. (Holds up the fi sh and OSRIC takes it, holding it before his face.)

: Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio. (Pause.) Horatio!Horatio, where are you?

: (Runs ON LEFT.) Here, sir. I didn’t know I was in this scene. I don’t have any lines.

: I don’t care if you don’t have any lines. I can’t very well say “Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio,” if Horatio isn’t here.

: I thought the line was “Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him well.”

: No, that is not the line. Everybody always misquotes that line.

: Hey, get used to it, pal.

: “We few, we happy few, we band of mothers.”

: “Beware the tides of March.”

: See what I mean?

: Can we get on with it?

: Right. Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio. A fi sh of most excellent jest. He hath swum round the fi sh bowl a thousand times. Here hung those lips that did eat the fi sh food we sprinkled. Where be your fi ns now? Your gills, your dashes at the fi lter that did set the room to merriment?

: Excuse me, but do you think the liver is still fresh?

: Oh, yes, ma’am. Hasn’t been dead more’n three hours.

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: Would you mind, then? (Reaches out for the fi sh.)

: Sure, I don’t want this smelly thing. (Hands the fi sh to HARPIER, who returns to the OTHER WITCHES and works at the cauldron.) Well, I’ve done my big speech, so I guess I’m off. I’ll leave you to it. (EXITS LEFT.)

: I’ll just be on my way, too, then. (EXITS LEFT.)

: All I can say is I hope they get Omelette back in time for the last scene.

: If there is a last scene.

: (Works with the goldfi sh.) Is this the liver, or is this the liver?

: That’s the spleen, I think.

: And that’s the appendix, or is it the gall bladder?

: Shh. Here comes Laertes.

: (ENTERS LEFT with a duffel bag.) Greetings, fair gravedigger.

: I thought you was in France studyin’ at the blue cord.

: I have come home to study for my pie exam, good gravedigger. And tell me, whose grave do you dig here in this forsaken place?

: ’Tis the grave of your dear sister Ophelia, who cast herself into the river and drowned after she broke up with Omelette.

: Oh, woe is me. Let me hold her one more time, before you cover her with cold earth.

: (ENTERS LEFT.) What are you doing? Ophelia isn’t dead. This is supposed to be a comedy, remember?

: Oh, happy day, that my sister should be returned to me from the grave.

: Knock it off for a minute, will you? Listen, where did you get all that stuff about Ophelia drowning herself?

: It was in me script. I was looking over the scene not ten minutes ago.

: Look, I don’t know what’s going on today with the scripts and the props and the costumes, but I have a feeling it has something to do with those Scots. I don’t ever again want to hear the word Macbeth in any theatre.

: So, what should we do now?

: Right. So sorry about this, ladies and gentlemen. Ophelia is not dead, but she is angry with Omelette for his behavior. So,

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Laertes, lately returned from France, has challenged Omelette to a duel to protect his sister’s honor.

: I have?

: Yes, you have. And Omelette is still determined to avenge his father by dueling Claudius when he’s done with you.

: Oh, right. The duel. The big fi nal scene. Well, I’d better go get ready. (EXITS LEFT.)

: So, ladies and gentlemen, if you’ll give us just a moment, we will present the fi nal scene of Omelette, Chef of Denmark. (EXITS LEFT with GRAVEDIGGER.)

: I still say the green one is the gall bladder and the slimy one is the spleen.

: They’re all slimy. (WITCHES EXIT LEFT, carrying the cauldron. CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Thirteen

Scene Fourteen

LIGHTS UP: Backstage. MACBETH, LADY MACBETH, MACDONALD and MACGREGOR ENTER RIGHT.

: Well, I think we’re going to have to give up on the gong-ringing potion. The witches can’t decide what a goldfi sh liver looks like. (PADDOCK and HARPIER ENTER LEFT.) Let’s see how everyone else is doing. Costumes?

: Sorry they found the Omelette costume, my lord, but luckily the zipper is stuck so Osric can’t get it off.

: That’s nothing to the costume problems everyone else will be having in the last scene.

: We not only stole all the costumes for the last scene, we replaced them with… well, just wait and see.

: Excellent. Okay, props.

: They’ll have the props for the last scene, my lord, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be some surprises in store.

: I’m so proud of you all, but has anyone taken care of the most important thing? Has anyone prepared our celebratory breakfast?

: Aye, my lord, that we have. We’ve made ye oatmeal, black pudding, tea and McMuffi ns.

: What about bacon and eggs?

: Oh, of course we have bacon and eggs, sir, that’s the most important part of this complete breakfast.

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: After all, sir, it’s like my old father used to say, “You can’t make a breakfast without bacon and eggs.”

: That’s a quote worthy of old Bill Shakespeare himself. Now, gather round one more time, lads. Let’s hear it for Scotland!

: We love haggis, we love plaid, we’re from Scotland and we are bad! (EXIT LEFT.)

End of Scene Fourteen

Scene Fifteen

CURTAIN UP. The Globe. Two chairs are UP CENTER. Next to them is a table with two pies and a fl agon of liquid on it. MARIO and SHAKESPEARES are ONSTAGE. FANFARE PLAYS as POLONIUS ENTERS LEFT.

: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the fi nal scene of the most excellent comedy of Omelette, Chef of Denmark. Our fi rst bout tonight will be between that mad and melancholy Dane, Omelette, and, directly from Paris, France, here to defend the honor of his sister, Laertes. (BURBAGE ENTERS RIGHT and whispers into POLONIUS’S ear.)

: Well, we’re waiting. (BURBAGE stands near the SHAKESPEARES.)

: This is most unusual, ladies and gentlemen. We seem to have a slight costuming problem. So, if you’ll just imagine that it’s late at night in the Elsinore room of Chez Omelette, we present the denouement. (FANFARE PLAYS as BERNARDO, OMELETTE, HORATIO, CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, LAERTES, OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN and OSRIC ENTER LEFT. They are dressed in pajamas, except OSRIC, who still wears the black costume.)

: Hey, what do yous guys think you’re doing, dressing like that in front of a lady?

: It’s quite all right, Mario. It reminds me of what my dear nurse used to say when I was a child. “You can’t make pajamas without lace on your legs.”

: I like the sound of that.

: What is it supposed to mean?

: I’ve no idea, but it’s always made me fond of pajamas.

: Omelette, you have a grievance against me, for you believe I have taken your father’s place in the kitchen of Chez Omelette. We shall settle that dispute shortly.

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: For now, though, you must defend yourself against the charge of impudence brought by my daughter Ophelia.

: Bring us our swords. (BERNARDO and HORATIO step forward and hand swords to OMELETTE and LAERTES. MACBETH and LADY MACBETH ENTER LEFT and hide in the CROWD.)

: Are you sure you wouldn’t rather arm wrestle? Or maybe play tiddlywinks?

: Prepare to defend yourself, Omelette, for I am the greatest swordsman in my university.

: But you go to a cooking school.

: Indeed he does. And he has made these pies at Chez Omelette to prepare for his upcoming exam.

: Ooo, I love pie.

: After he has defeated Omelette, good Guildenstern, we will rejoice with the pies. (OMELETTE and LAERTES begin to circle one another. HARPO ENTERS LEFT to watch. During the next several lines, CHICO, ZEPPO and GROUCHO ENTER LEFT to watch. MACGREGOR and MACDONALD ENTER LEFT and hide in the CROWD. The GRAVEDIGGER also ENTERS LEFT to watch.)

: The competitors are circling each other now, each feeling out the other’s defenses.

: I thought he couldn’t talk.

: I just didn’t have anything to say before. (OMELETTE and LAERTES begin to fi ght.) And there they go, swords blazing in a fl urry of strokes. I think Laertes is using Manicotti’s attack, but Omelette is countering with Vermicelli’s defense.

: (There is a lull in the fi ghting as he and OMELETTE continue circling one another.) You are good.

: I learned from my father, and he was the best. But you are no slouch yourself.

: I, too, learned from your father. He knew about more than cooking.

: (Raises her fl agon.) I drink to the two fi nest swordsmen in Denmark. (Drinks from the fl agon and sets it back down.)

: This should be good.

: What did you put in the fl agon?

: NyQuil. (OMELETTE and LAERTES begin to fi ght again. The FOUR WITCHES, BOZO now restored, ENTER RIGHT to watch.)

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: And they’re at it again. This time it’s Omelette on the attack, and is he using… yes, I think it’s Monteverdi’s attack. But Laertes is fi ghting back brilliantly with Scarlatti’s defense. (LAERTES strikes OMELETTE.)

: A hit, a very palpable hit! (The CROWD cheers.)

: (Steps back from the fi ght and sees GERTRUDE, who is slumped in her chair.) Look to my mother! (Runs to GERTRUDE.)This is some treachery. You shall pay for this, Laertes. (Picks up one of the pies and hits LAERTES in the face with it.)

: Scoundrel! Cad! Thou most vile creature! This base action shall not go unpunished. (Sticks a fi nger in the whipped cream on his face and tastes it.) Mmm. (Picks up a pie and is about to strike OMELETTE with it.)

: (ENTERS RIGHT in elegant clothes, no longer a ghost but still using crutches.) What violence is this that besmirches my restaurant in my brief absence?

: Father! I thought you were…

: Thought I was what?

: You came to me as a ghost. You told me to avenge you, to throw Claudius from your kitchen.

: Foolish boy, that was only because someone had been tampering with my script. (MACBETH and LADY MACBETH high-fi ve each other.)

: The time has come for you to know the truth about your father and his recipes, young Omelette.

: It’s best if his mother tells him.

: (Picks up GERTRUDE’S hand and lets it go. It falls limply to her side.) I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon.

: I’ll tell him. I like having lines.

: Silence, you curly-headed Marxist. I shall tell him. It is true, son, that I am the inventor of the cheese omelette. But there has always been a problem with the dish. Every time I make it, the fi nished product is full of eggshells.

: I thought cheese omelettes were supposed to be crunchy.

: As did I for many years. But then my brother Claudius and I decided to seek wisdom from afar, and so I left him in charge of Chez Omelette and traveled to the Himalayas of Tibet where a wizened old monk taught me secrets of cooking no Dane has ever known.

: And did you solve the problem, brother?

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: Bring me a pan and some eggs, and I shall show you what I learned. (POLONIUS gives OMELETTE, SR. a pan and an egg. HORATIO brings a small table and sets it in front of OMELETTE, SR. He holds the egg high above his head.) Behold, the secret to making the perfect cheese omelette. (Cracks the egg on the side of the pan, then holds it up and pulls apart the shell, allowing the egg to fall into the pan. He hands the empty shell to HORATIO. A gasp goes up from the CROWD. POLONIUS hands him another egg and he repeats the process. POLONIUS hands him a whisk or fork, and he beats the eggs. The CROWD cheers.)

: That’s it! That’s my new play. I can see it all before me. Send the Scots home. (Groans from the SCOTS.)

: But dear, you can’t write a new play without having a quote.

: But don’t you see, madam, he has his quote.

: What quote? I didn’t hear any quote.

: Fellow Danes, shall we celebrate our victory by assisting Mr. Shakespeare in announcing his latest quote to the world? (Steps forward and holds aloft two more eggs which POLONIUS has handed him.)

: You can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs!

END OF PLAY

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PROPERTIES

ONSTAGE: Backstage items like fl ats and ropes, consistent with late 16th century; gong with hammer; two chairs.

BROUGHT ON, Scene One:Team fl ags (FOUR WITCHES, OMELETTE, OPHELIA,

GERTRUDE, POLONIUS)Microphone (BURBAGE)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Two:Playbill (PADDOCK)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Four:White sheet, crutches (OMELETTE, SR.)Black costume on hanger (PADDOCK)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Five:Script (LADY MACBETH)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Six:Coin (ROSENCRANTZ)Feather quill and scroll of paper [or pen and notepad] (LAERTES,

SHAKESPEARE)Ink bottle (ANNE HATHAWAY)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Seven:Chair (BURBAGE)Knife (OMELETTE)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Eight:Flagon (LADY MACBETH)Long-handled spoon or stirring paddle, cauldron (WITCHES)Bags of ingredients (HARPIER, BOZO)Pixie sticks, socks, bag (BOZO)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Nine:Chairs (OMELETTE, CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, POLONIUS)Candy wrappers (OMELETTE)Frying pan, block of cheese, egg, horn (HARPO)Empty trunk (ZEPPO)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Ten:Stuffed bird, handsaw (ROSENCRANTZ)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Eleven:Two sets of cue cards (MACBETH)

BROUGHT ON, Scene Twelve:Cue Cards (MACGREGOR, MACDONALD)

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BROUGHT ON, Scene Thirteen:Cauldron, spoon (WITCHES)Newt (HARPIER)Shovel (BURBAGE)Goldfi sh (GRAVEDIGGER)Duffel bag (LAERTES)

ONSTAGE, Scene Fifteen: Two chairs, side table, fl agon of liquid, two whipped cream pies.

BROUGHT ON, Scene Fifteen:Swords (BERNARDO, HORATIO)Crutches (OMELETTE, SR.)Pan, whisk or fork, four eggs (POLONIUS)

SOUND EFFECTS

Raucous music, mariachi music, bagpipe music, loud crash, fanfare.

COSTUMING

THE SCOTS: Throughout the play, members of TEAM SCOTLAND should wear plaid. In Scene One they can wear matching team t-shirts. MACDONALD, MACGREGOR and MACBETH should all wear full Scottish garb, including kilts.

THE DANES: In Scene One, OMELETTE, OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and POLONIUS wear heavy winter coats. Matching team t-shirts pulled on over the coats would make for a humorous effect. In Scene Fifteen, they all wear pajamas except OSRIC. In Scene Six, they are in restaurant garb—CLAUDIUS in chef’s attire, GERTRUDE dressed as a hostess, and POLONIUS, LAERTES and OPHELIA all dressed as waiters. In Scene Four, OMELETTE wears an outrageous, colorful outfi t. From Scene Thirteen on, OSRIC wears a black costume.

OMELETTE, SR.: In Scene Three, under his ghostly sheet, he wears long underwear. In the end, he wears elegant clothing.

SHAKESPEARE and ANNE HATHAWAY: These characters should wear sixteenth-century-style garb.

BURBAGE: Could be dressed in sixteenth-century-style garb, or it could be funny to dress him as a game show host. He has with him always his trusty microphone (see below).

WITCHES: They wear long, black cloaks, except for BOZO, who is attired in full clown regalia.

ROSENCRANTZ/GUILDENSTERN: They are conjoined twins attached at the waist. This effect may be achieved by putting them

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each in the leg of a very large pair of pants, with spats to cover each of their two shoes and give them the appearance of one.

HARPO wears an overcoat.

MICROPHONE

This could be a regular microphone. However, for a different effect or to avoid the anachronism, use a ram’s horn, a rolled-up scroll of leather “parchment” or some other object with a sixteenth-century feel.

GERTRUDE’S FALL

Care should be taken not to injure the actress playing GERTRUDE when her chair is pulled out from under her as she sits in Scene Seven. If her dress is well-padded this may be all she needs; otherwise she may need to practice the maneuver.

A NOTE ON DIALECT

The actors playing the Scots can have a lot of fun adding a rich humor to the show by using a thick Scottish brogue. Do keep in mind, however, the “three Cs” of dialect: credibility, consistency and clarity. If an actor cannot do a realistic accent clearly throughout the play (whether it’s Scottish, English or Danish), he or she is better off not doing one at all.

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