Forgiveness, Remorse, & Reconciliation: Lessons Learned from the Amish

Forgiveness, Remorse, & Reconciliation:Forgiveness, Remorse, & Reconciliation:Lessons Learned from the AmishLessons Learned from the Amish


Workshop Objectives:Workshop Objectives:

– Have detailed knowledge concerning what it means Have detailed knowledge concerning what it means to forgive and to pardon, and how these two to forgive and to pardon, and how these two separate constructs are related;separate constructs are related;

– Understand the relationship between the Understand the relationship between the compassion found in forgiveness and pardoning compassion found in forgiveness and pardoning and subjective well being; and and subjective well being; and

– Have learned exercises intended to facilitate the Have learned exercises intended to facilitate the motivation to seek and to extend to others motivation to seek and to extend to others forgiveness and pardon.forgiveness and pardon.


Thursday Morning:Thursday Morning:– Review of the Events of 10/02/2006Review of the Events of 10/02/2006– Amish Theology of ForgivenessAmish Theology of Forgiveness

Overview of other Religious points of view, as wellOverview of other Religious points of view, as well

– Psychology of Forgiveness (1)Psychology of Forgiveness (1)

Thursday Afternoon:Thursday Afternoon:– Psychology of Forgiveness (2)Psychology of Forgiveness (2)


Friday Morning:Friday Morning:– Forgiveness Exercise: “Why Forgive?”Forgiveness Exercise: “Why Forgive?”– Empirical Support for Forgiveness TherapyEmpirical Support for Forgiveness Therapy

Health BenefitsHealth BenefitsEmotional HealingEmotional Healing

Friday Afternoon:Friday Afternoon:– The Work of ReconciliationThe Work of Reconciliation

Personal and National HealingPersonal and National Healing


Events of October 2, 2006Events of October 2, 2006– The Invasion: 10:25 a.m.The Invasion: 10:25 a.m.– Police Notified: 10:36 a.m.Police Notified: 10:36 a.m.– Police & Emergency Personnel Arrive: 10:42 a.m.Police & Emergency Personnel Arrive: 10:42 a.m.– The Shooting Begins: 11:07 a.m.The Shooting Begins: 11:07 a.m.– The Rescue: 11:10 a.m.The Rescue: 11:10 a.m.– Aftermath: October 2Aftermath: October 2ndnd through 4 through 4thth

– The VictimsThe Victims


News Media Coverage:News Media Coverage:– First Day Coverage: First Day Coverage:

http://http://www.boston.com/partners/worldnow/necn.html?catIDwww.boston.com/partners/worldnow/necn.html?catID=83458&clipid=988492&autoStart==83458&clipid=988492&autoStart=true&mutetrue&mute==false&continuousfalse&continuous=true=true

– Second Day Coverage: Second Day Coverage: http://wcbstv.com/video/[email protected]://wcbstv.com/video/[email protected]

– Third Day Coverage: Third Day Coverage: http://wcco.com/video/[email protected]://wcco.com/video/[email protected]

– On the day of the Burials: On the day of the Burials: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_D_Z9bskqMhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_D_Z9bskqM


One Week Later: One Week Later: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=901652348339http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=90165234833922254352225435

Bill Moyers on “Amish Grace,” one year Bill Moyers on “Amish Grace,” one year later: later: http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/blog/2007/10/bill_moyers_essay_http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/blog/2007/10/bill_moyers_essay_amish_grace.htmlamish_grace.html

Amish Grace: The Theology of ForgivenessAmish Grace: The Theology of Forgiveness

Over 100 years of persecution led to emigration Over 100 years of persecution led to emigration to Pennsylvania and religious freedomto Pennsylvania and religious freedom

No Amish remain in EuropeNo Amish remain in Europe

Estimated to be over 165,000 Old Order Amish Estimated to be over 165,000 Old Order Amish in the United States and Canadain the United States and Canada

Reference: Reference: Amish Grace: How Forgiveness Amish Grace: How Forgiveness Transcended TragedyTranscended Tragedy by Kraybill, Nolt, and by Kraybill, Nolt, and Weaver-ZercherWeaver-Zercher


Thy Will Be Done:Thy Will Be Done:

– Foundation of Amish Theology is Foundation of Amish Theology is Gelassenheit (Gelassenheit (yieldedness or submission)yieldedness or submission)

– Characterizes one’s relationship with GodCharacterizes one’s relationship with God

– Living within God’s Divine Order as revealed Living within God’s Divine Order as revealed by Christby Christ

The Nature of The Nature of GalassenheitGalassenheit

God works in the world with the “power of God works in the world with the “power of powerlessness”powerlessness”

– Yield to one another, renounce self defense, Yield to one another, renounce self defense, give up the desire for justification or efforts at give up the desire for justification or efforts at revengerevenge

– Always seeking to discern “God’s Plans” Always seeking to discern “God’s Plans” behind eventsbehind events


Not Fatalistic; that is, Humans possess choices Not Fatalistic; that is, Humans possess choices of ultimate significanceof ultimate significance

– Whether to make a commitment to Christ (Baptism is Whether to make a commitment to Christ (Baptism is an adult choice, made after adolescents are allowed a an adult choice, made after adolescents are allowed a year of living as an “English”)year of living as an “English”)

– GalassenheitGalassenheit requires discernment that may lead to requires discernment that may lead toResistance to government rules (i.e. military service)Resistance to government rules (i.e. military service)

Refusal to attend public schoolsRefusal to attend public schools


One does not argue with GodOne does not argue with God

One yields to church authority; willing to One yields to church authority; willing to accept the accept the Ordnung Ordnung (rules of the church)(rules of the church)

One’s humility and modesty testify to One’s humility and modesty testify to GelassenheitGelassenheit


Collectivist vs. Individualist CultureCollectivist vs. Individualist Culture– Dress in prescribed clothingDress in prescribed clothing– Refuse to pose for photographsRefuse to pose for photographs– Drive in horse drawn carriagesDrive in horse drawn carriages

““Resist not evil, but whosoever shall smite Resist not evil, but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matthew 5:39)other also” (Matthew 5:39)


Dirk Willems Rescues His Pursuer:Dirk Willems Rescues His Pursuer:

Executed on May 16, 1569Executed on May 16, 1569

Amish martyrsAmish martyrs

submitted their livessubmitted their lives

to God & extendedto God & extended

forgiveness to thoseforgiveness to those

about to kill them.about to kill them.


Gospel Reading for Sunday, October 1, Gospel Reading for Sunday, October 1, 2006: Matthew 18: 21 – 352006: Matthew 18: 21 – 35


Origins in Christian Theology: Matthew 6:9 – 13, Origins in Christian Theology: Matthew 6:9 – 13, The Lord’s PrayerThe Lord’s Prayer

Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed by thy Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed by thy name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done in name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.forgive our debtors. And lead us not into And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.ever. Amen.


The Lord’s PrayerThe Lord’s Prayer– First prayer learned as a childFirst prayer learned as a child– Recited at EVERY gatheringRecited at EVERY gathering– First act in the morningFirst act in the morning– Last act in the eveningLast act in the evening

Communal nature of Amish society Communal nature of Amish society REQUIRES constant forgivenessREQUIRES constant forgiveness– ““Individualism is the great divide between us Individualism is the great divide between us

and outsiders.” (40 year old Amish father)and outsiders.” (40 year old Amish father)


Matthew 6:14 – 15Matthew 6:14 – 15– For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly

Father will also forgive you. But if ye forgive not men Father will also forgive you. But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.trespasses.

The purpose of life is to go to Heaven; spend The purpose of life is to go to Heaven; spend eternity with Godeternity with God

ALL people are sinnersALL people are sinners

ALL people are forgiven their sins IF they ALL people are forgiven their sins IF they unconditionally forgive everyoneunconditionally forgive everyone

Forgiveness in JudaismForgiveness in Judaism

Individual Forgiveness cannot be separated from Individual Forgiveness cannot be separated from the context of communitythe context of communityForgiveness and Repentance are inextricably Forgiveness and Repentance are inextricably linkedlinked– Cannot allow another’s transgression to distract us Cannot allow another’s transgression to distract us

from the need for self-reflection and cleansing (Rosh from the need for self-reflection and cleansing (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur)Hashanah and Yom Kippur)

The individual is commanded by G-d to accept The individual is commanded by G-d to accept the offender’s apologythe offender’s apologyThe act of forgiveness is part of the obligation to The act of forgiveness is part of the obligation to practice “practice “Tikkun Olan,”Tikkun Olan,” the repairing of the world the repairing of the world

Forgiveness in IslamForgiveness in Islam

In the Qur’an Allah has described the In the Qur’an Allah has described the Believers as “those who avoid major sins Believers as “those who avoid major sins and acts of indecencies and when they are and acts of indecencies and when they are angry they forgive.” (al-Shura 42:37)angry they forgive.” (al-Shura 42:37)Later in the same Surah Allah says, “The Later in the same Surah Allah says, “The reward of the evil is the evil thereof, but reward of the evil is the evil thereof, but whosoever forgives and makes amends, whosoever forgives and makes amends, his reward is upon Allah.” (al-Shura 42:40)his reward is upon Allah.” (al-Shura 42:40)The Prophet in Ta’if The Prophet in Ta’if

Forgiveness in BuddhismForgiveness in Buddhism

Dialectic between Happiness & SufferingDialectic between Happiness & SufferingMindfulness and Acceptance of the Mindfulness and Acceptance of the Universality of Suffering leads to Wisdom Universality of Suffering leads to Wisdom & Compassion& CompassionTo not forgive is to perpetuate endless To not forgive is to perpetuate endless cycles of resentment, anger, fear, despair cycles of resentment, anger, fear, despair (suffering)(suffering)To not forgive is to remain trapped in To not forgive is to remain trapped in dualistic thinking (Ignorance)dualistic thinking (Ignorance)

Forgiveness in Alcoholics AnonymousForgiveness in Alcoholics Anonymous

Focuses on being forgiven:Focuses on being forgiven:

– If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink.continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink.

99thth Step focuses on making amends, NOT on Step focuses on making amends, NOT on asking for forgivenessasking for forgiveness

Psychology of ForgivenessPsychology of ForgivenessPrimary ReferencesPrimary References

Helping Clients Forgive: An Empirical Guide for Resolving Helping Clients Forgive: An Empirical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring HopeAnger and Restoring Hope by Enright and Fitzgibbons by Enright and Fitzgibbons

Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring HopeResolving Anger and Restoring Hope by Enright by Enright

The Power of Forgiveness Website: The Power of Forgiveness Website: http://www.thepowerofforgiveness.com/http://www.thepowerofforgiveness.com/

Fetzer Institute Forgiveness Website:Fetzer Institute Forgiveness Website:http://www.fetzer.org/LoveAndForgive/CommunityConversations.htmlhttp://www.fetzer.org/LoveAndForgive/CommunityConversations.html

Psychology of ForgivenessPsychology of Forgiveness

Starting with AngerStarting with Anger

– Internal state (feelings & thoughts)Internal state (feelings & thoughts)

– External state (verbal & behavioral)External state (verbal & behavioral)Physiological Arousal + Emotional PainPhysiological Arousal + Emotional Pain

– Response to Unjust Treatment by AnotherResponse to Unjust Treatment by Another


Psychosocial Consequences of AngerPsychosocial Consequences of Anger– Damaged Interpersonal RelationshipsDamaged Interpersonal Relationships– Workplace ProblemsWorkplace Problems– Poor Decision Making & Risk TakingPoor Decision Making & Risk Taking– Substance AbuseSubstance Abuse– Diminished Motor CapacityDiminished Motor Capacity

Medical Consequences of AngerMedical Consequences of Anger– Coronary Heart DiseaseCoronary Heart Disease– High CholesterolHigh Cholesterol– StrokesStrokes– CancerCancer– Stress Related Illnesses (IBS, Chronic Fatigue Stress Related Illnesses (IBS, Chronic Fatigue

Syndrome, Fibromyalgia etc.)Syndrome, Fibromyalgia etc.)


Features of Anger in Forgiveness TherapyFeatures of Anger in Forgiveness Therapy– Focused on another person or other peopleFocused on another person or other people– Intense, at least in the short termIntense, at least in the short term– A learned pattern of annoyance, irritation, and acrimony w/ A learned pattern of annoyance, irritation, and acrimony w/

others who may not be the source of the angerothers who may not be the source of the anger– Can be extreme in passivity or hostilityCan be extreme in passivity or hostility– Regressive; that is, appropriate for someone much youngerRegressive; that is, appropriate for someone much younger– The anger abidesThe anger abides– Based on a REAL injustice and hurtBased on a REAL injustice and hurt

Forgiveness & MoralityForgiveness & Morality

Morality = Quest for the Good in relation to Morality = Quest for the Good in relation to othersothers– Focused on interpersonal relationships, with Focused on interpersonal relationships, with

emphasis on having good intentions for other peopleemphasis on having good intentions for other people

When one is wronged one seeks JusticeWhen one is wronged one seeks Justice– ““Eye for an eye”Eye for an eye”

When one is wronged one extends MercyWhen one is wronged one extends Mercy– Genuine extension of beneficence to the offenderGenuine extension of beneficence to the offender

Forgiving emphasizes Mercy over JusticeForgiving emphasizes Mercy over Justice

Forgiveness & TransformationForgiveness & Transformation

Forgiving leads to several alterationsForgiving leads to several alterations

– The forgiver changes previous responses The forgiver changes previous responses toward the offendertoward the offender

– The forgiver’s emotional state changes for the The forgiver’s emotional state changes for the betterbetter

– Relationships may improveRelationships may improve

Definition of ForgivingDefinition of Forgiving

People, upon People, upon rationally determiningrationally determining that they that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when the have been unfairly treated, forgive when the willfully abandonwillfully abandon resentment and related resentment and related responsesresponses (to which they have a right), and (to which they have a right), and endeavor to respond to the wrongdoer based on endeavor to respond to the wrongdoer based on the moral principle of the moral principle of beneficencebeneficence, which may , which may include include compassioncompassion, , unconditional worthunconditional worth, , generositygenerosity, and , and moral lovemoral love (to which the (to which the wrongdoer, by nature of the hurtful act or acts, wrongdoer, by nature of the hurtful act or acts, has no right).has no right).


““Rationally Determining”Rationally Determining”– Does not hastily judge the offenderDoes not hastily judge the offender– Forgiver is free of mental defect (does not distort Forgiver is free of mental defect (does not distort

reality)reality)– Forgiver sees that the other has committed a moral Forgiver sees that the other has committed a moral

wrongwrong

““Willfully abandon”Willfully abandon”– Active engagement in changing the response to the Active engagement in changing the response to the

moral wrongmoral wrong– Accomplished by a conscious decision-making Accomplished by a conscious decision-making

processprocess


““Abandoning Resentment”Abandoning Resentment”– Decreases negative emotionsDecreases negative emotions– Decreases negative thoughtsDecreases negative thoughts– Decreases negative behaviorsDecreases negative behaviors

““Beneficence” (A sense of goodness in which a Beneficence” (A sense of goodness in which a person aids others without thought of what they person aids others without thought of what they have done or could do for him/her)have done or could do for him/her)– Increases positive emotionsIncreases positive emotions– Increases positive thoughtsIncreases positive thoughts– Increases positive behaviorsIncreases positive behaviors


““Compassion”Compassion”– A moral emotion in which one suffers along A moral emotion in which one suffers along

with the otherwith the other– Implies that the injured feels sympathetic Implies that the injured feels sympathetic

toward the offender because that person is toward the offender because that person is also a human beingalso a human being

““Unconditional Worth”Unconditional Worth”– The offender is a personThe offender is a person– ALL persons have worth IN SPITE OF the ALL persons have worth IN SPITE OF the

wrongs they may dowrongs they may do


““Generosity”Generosity”– One gives the offender more than he/she One gives the offender more than he/she

deserves, because of Unconditional Worthdeserves, because of Unconditional Worth– A conferral of mercy upon the offenderA conferral of mercy upon the offender

““Moral Love”Moral Love”– An investment in the well being of another An investment in the well being of another

personperson– Agape:Agape: Bringing an open and softened heart Bringing an open and softened heart

to all people, including offendersto all people, including offenders

The Paradox of ForgivingThe Paradox of Forgiving

One gives up what one has a right toOne gives up what one has a right to– ResentmentResentment– RevengeRevenge– RetributionRetribution

One gives to another that which is not One gives to another that which is not necessarily deservednecessarily deserved– Beneficence as defined byBeneficence as defined by

Compassion, Unconditional Worth, Generosity, Compassion, Unconditional Worth, Generosity, and Moral Loveand Moral Love

What Forgiveness Is NotWhat Forgiveness Is Not

Pardoning: A public act of jurisprudence Pardoning: A public act of jurisprudence (forgiveness is private)(forgiveness is private)

Condoning: Recognition of a moral infraction but Condoning: Recognition of a moral infraction but tolerated do to circumstances (forgiving does not tolerated do to circumstances (forgiving does not tolerate the injustice)tolerate the injustice)

Reconciliation: Involves TWO people Reconciliation: Involves TWO people (forgiveness belongs to the forgiver alone); (forgiveness belongs to the forgiver alone); conditional on the offender’s willingness and conditional on the offender’s willingness and ability to change offensive waysability to change offensive ways


Conciliation: To appease, gain someone’s Conciliation: To appease, gain someone’s favor through pleasing acts, to placatefavor through pleasing acts, to placate

Justification: If the offenders action was Justification: If the offenders action was actually justified, then forgiveness is not actually justified, then forgiveness is not appropriateappropriate

Forgetting: Forgiving IS NOT “forgive and Forgetting: Forgiving IS NOT “forgive and forget” or “put the past behind you”forget” or “put the past behind you”– Forgiving is REMEMBERING in new waysForgiving is REMEMBERING in new ways


Becoming Less Disappointed: Forgiver remains Becoming Less Disappointed: Forgiver remains disappointed in the other’s behaviors, but disappointed in the other’s behaviors, but lessens his/her own sufferinglessens his/her own suffering

Balancing Scales: An aspect of Justice, not Balancing Scales: An aspect of Justice, not MercyMercy– May be needed, but subsequent to ForgivingMay be needed, but subsequent to Forgiving

Self-Centering: Forgiving IS NOT focused on the Self-Centering: Forgiving IS NOT focused on the forgiver’s well beingforgiver’s well being– Paradoxically focuses on the humanity of the offender Paradoxically focuses on the humanity of the offender

and compassionate understandingand compassionate understanding

Forgiveness is DevelopmentalForgiveness is Developmental

Varies based on the level of Cognitive Varies based on the level of Cognitive Complexity of the individualComplexity of the individual– Forgiveness therapy must take this into Forgiveness therapy must take this into

accountaccount– Therapist can help the client grow Therapist can help the client grow

developmentally through the therapydevelopmentally through the therapy– If the client feels “stuck” in anger, it may be a If the client feels “stuck” in anger, it may be a

clue to a lower level of complexityclue to a lower level of complexity

Forgiveness is DevelopmentalForgiveness is DevelopmentalStyles of ForgivenessStyles of Forgiveness

1.1. Revengeful Forgiveness: needs to Revengeful Forgiveness: needs to punishpunish

2.2. Restitutional Forgiveness: needs Restitutional Forgiveness: needs restitutionrestitution

3.3. Expectational Forgiveness: Only forgives Expectational Forgiveness: Only forgives when pressured towhen pressured to

Forgiveness is DevelopmentalForgiveness is DevelopmentalStyles of ForgivenessStyles of Forgiveness

4.4. Lawful Expectational Forgiveness: When Lawful Expectational Forgiveness: When my religion demands it of memy religion demands it of me

5.5. Forgiveness as Social Harmony: When it Forgiveness as Social Harmony: When it decreases friction and conflict in societydecreases friction and conflict in society

6.6. Forgiveness as Love: Forgiveness as Love: Agape;Agape; Unconditional worth of all humansUnconditional worth of all humans

The Process Model of The Process Model of Forgiveness TherapyForgiveness Therapy

Assumption:Assumption:– Forgiveness is a process, an unfolding, thatForgiveness is a process, an unfolding, that

Does not run smoothlyDoes not run smoothly

Is filled with starts and stopsIs filled with starts and stops

Eventually culminates in reducing anger and Eventually culminates in reducing anger and enhancing compassionenhancing compassion

– Forgiveness is not a decision onlyForgiveness is not a decision onlyDeciding to forgive is a part of the processDeciding to forgive is a part of the process

Necessary, but not sufficientNecessary, but not sufficient


Forgiveness happens in PhasesForgiveness happens in Phases– Each phase contains several unitsEach phase contains several units– The phases and units are not invariant for The phases and units are not invariant for

every process of forgivingevery process of forgiving– Phases/Units provide a road map to help the Phases/Units provide a road map to help the

therapist and client discern what route will therapist and client discern what route will bring reliefbring relief

A blueprint for an anger/forgiveness Case A blueprint for an anger/forgiveness Case ConceptualizationConceptualization


Uncovering Phase: Client gains insight Uncovering Phase: Client gains insight into whether and how the injustice and into whether and how the injustice and subsequent injury have compromised subsequent injury have compromised his/her life.his/her life.

Decision Phase: Client gains an Decision Phase: Client gains an understanding of the nature of forgiveness understanding of the nature of forgiveness and makes a decision to commit to and makes a decision to commit to forgiving on the basis of this forgiving on the basis of this understanding.understanding.


Work Phase: Client gains a cognitive Work Phase: Client gains a cognitive understanding of the offender and begins to view understanding of the offender and begins to view the offender in a new light, resulting in positive the offender in a new light, resulting in positive change in affect about the offender, about the change in affect about the offender, about the self, and about the relationship.self, and about the relationship.

Deepening Phase: Client finds meaning in the Deepening Phase: Client finds meaning in the suffering, feels more connected with others, and suffering, feels more connected with others, and experiences decreased negative affect and, at experiences decreased negative affect and, at times, renewed purpose in life.times, renewed purpose in life.

Uncovering Phase Unit One: Examining Uncovering Phase Unit One: Examining Psychological Defenses and Issues InvolvedPsychological Defenses and Issues Involved

The client may not know he/she is angry, due The client may not know he/she is angry, due to the effectiveness of the defenseto the effectiveness of the defense

Assess whether certain defenses are preventing the Assess whether certain defenses are preventing the client from rationally examining what happenedclient from rationally examining what happened

Help the client understand what happened and who Help the client understand what happened and who was unfairwas unfair

Typical Defenses include Denial, Repression, and Typical Defenses include Denial, Repression, and DisplacementDisplacement

Uncovering Phase Unit Two:Uncovering Phase Unit Two:Confronting AngerConfronting Anger

Once defenses break down, client may Once defenses break down, client may become very angry, which can linger for become very angry, which can linger for months or yearsmonths or years

Therapist mustTherapist must– Acknowledge the angerAcknowledge the anger– Allow for its expressionAllow for its expression– Set as a goal its diminution toward the Set as a goal its diminution toward the

offenderoffender

Uncovering Phase Unit Three:Uncovering Phase Unit Three:Admitting ShameAdmitting Shame

Some Unfairnesses precipitate shame in the Some Unfairnesses precipitate shame in the offended person:offended person:– Childhood sexual abuse, particularly incestChildhood sexual abuse, particularly incest– Other forms of childhood and adult abuseOther forms of childhood and adult abuse– DivorceDivorce– Spousal abandonmentSpousal abandonment– Termination of employmentTermination of employment

Anger + Shame = A Lot of SufferingAnger + Shame = A Lot of Suffering

Therapist helps the client work through the Therapist helps the client work through the shame; perhaps uncover secondary anger (at shame; perhaps uncover secondary anger (at those who instigate shame (i.e. gossipers)those who instigate shame (i.e. gossipers)

Uncovering Phase Unit Four:Uncovering Phase Unit Four:Awareness of Depletion of Emotional EnergyAwareness of Depletion of Emotional Energy

Anger + Shame + Suffering is exhausting!Anger + Shame + Suffering is exhausting!

Therapist must recognize how fatiguing Therapist must recognize how fatiguing this isthis is

Reduction in Anger/Shame etc. can be Reduction in Anger/Shame etc. can be part of client’s motivation to consider part of client’s motivation to consider ForgivenessForgiveness

Uncovering Phase Unit Five:Uncovering Phase Unit Five:Awareness of Cognitive RehearsalAwareness of Cognitive Rehearsal

Angry people become preoccupied with Angry people become preoccupied with the offensethe offense– Can include dream life, as wellCan include dream life, as well

Often people are unaware of their Often people are unaware of their preoccupation; has become normalpreoccupation; has become normal

Insight concerning preoccupation can be Insight concerning preoccupation can be motivational, as wellmotivational, as well

Uncovering Phase Unit Six:Uncovering Phase Unit Six:Comparing Self and OffenderComparing Self and Offender

Comparison of client’s unfortunate state Comparison of client’s unfortunate state with offender’s fortunate statewith offender’s fortunate state

Deepens client anger; can lead to envyDeepens client anger; can lead to envy

Insight concerning comparisons can be Insight concerning comparisons can be motivational to clientmotivational to client

Uncovering Phase Unit Seven:Uncovering Phase Unit Seven:Facing Permanent ChangeFacing Permanent Change

The moral breach may leave the client The moral breach may leave the client permanently changedpermanently changed

Not unusual for this to be an object of Not unusual for this to be an object of client denial, which leaves the client client denial, which leaves the client “stuck”“stuck”

Acceptance comes slowly in this areaAcceptance comes slowly in this area

Uncovering Phase Unit Eight:Uncovering Phase Unit Eight:An Altered “Just World” ViewAn Altered “Just World” View

Trauma frequently results in an alteration Trauma frequently results in an alteration of how a client believes the world worksof how a client believes the world works

World = Cruel, unsafe, people are self-World = Cruel, unsafe, people are self-interestedinterested

Critical that therapist help the client Critical that therapist help the client compare this change in world view, and compare this change in world view, and how it permeates the client’s lifehow it permeates the client’s life

Uncovering PhaseUncovering PhaseSeven Layers of PainSeven Layers of Pain

AngerAnger

ShameShame

Depleted energyDepleted energy

Cognitive rehearsalCognitive rehearsal

Comparisons with offenderComparisons with offender

Possibility of permanent injuryPossibility of permanent injury

More pessimistic philosophy of lifeMore pessimistic philosophy of life

Treatment in the Uncovering PhaseTreatment in the Uncovering Phase

Focuses onFocuses on– ““telling the story”telling the story”– Validating the angerValidating the anger– Identifying clearly the perpetratorIdentifying clearly the perpetrator– Understanding the cost of the offense to the Understanding the cost of the offense to the

client (defenses, anger, shame, fatigue, client (defenses, anger, shame, fatigue, preoccupation, resentments (comparisons), preoccupation, resentments (comparisons), change in world view)change in world view)

– Joining forces with the clientJoining forces with the client

Decision Phase Unit One: Decision Phase Unit One: Previous Coping Strategies Are IneffectivePrevious Coping Strategies Are Ineffective

Seven Layers of Pain Seven Layers of Pain → Insight that “I am → Insight that “I am not coping well”not coping well”The definition of insanity is…The definition of insanity is…Maybe I should try something different?Maybe I should try something different?

When the client begins to question his/her When the client begins to question his/her resentment and whether it’s worth it, the resentment and whether it’s worth it, the therapist has a window to begin an therapist has a window to begin an existential journey.existential journey.

Decision Phase Unit Two: Decision Phase Unit Two: Willingness to Consider ForgivenessWillingness to Consider Forgiveness

Client is free to select or reject forgivenessClient is free to select or reject forgivenessMUST be clearly informed concerningMUST be clearly informed concerning– Abandonment of resentment and adoption of Abandonment of resentment and adoption of

beneficencebeneficence– Paradox inherent in the definitionParadox inherent in the definition– What forgiveness is not (e.g. condoning, What forgiveness is not (e.g. condoning,

reconciling etc.)reconciling etc.)– To forgive To forgive ≠ Becoming a Doormat≠ Becoming a Doormat– Interplay between forgiving and finding justiceInterplay between forgiving and finding justice

Decision Phase Unit Three: Decision Phase Unit Three: Committing to Forgive the OffenderCommitting to Forgive the Offender

Making a commitment to forgiveMaking a commitment to forgive– It is a cognitive act, not an affective actIt is a cognitive act, not an affective act– It can occur even if the client is still angry and It can occur even if the client is still angry and

resentfulresentful

A conscious commitment to NOT ACT on A conscious commitment to NOT ACT on the anger and/or resentmentthe anger and/or resentmentA conscious commitment to uncover all A conscious commitment to uncover all acts of anger or resentment, whether acts of anger or resentment, whether active or passiveactive or passive

Treatment in the Decision PhaseTreatment in the Decision Phase

Make an inventory of previous solutions to Make an inventory of previous solutions to dealing with the unfair situationdealing with the unfair situation– Rate the effectiveness (1 – 10) of eachRate the effectiveness (1 – 10) of each

Psychoeducation concerning the definition Psychoeducation concerning the definition of forgivenessof forgiveness

Motivational enhancement (i.e. Motivational enhancement (i.e. advantages & disadvantages of forgiving; advantages & disadvantages of forgiving; of not forgivingof not forgiving

Treatment in the Decision PhaseTreatment in the Decision Phase

Consider these statements for discussion:Consider these statements for discussion:

– Do no harm to the one who hurt you. How Do no harm to the one who hurt you. How can you act on that statement?can you act on that statement?

– How have you done harm, even in a subtle How have you done harm, even in a subtle way, to him or her?way, to him or her?

– How can you reverse this trend?How can you reverse this trend?

Work Phase Unit One:Work Phase Unit One:ReframingReframing

To rethink a situation or see it with fresh To rethink a situation or see it with fresh perspectiveperspective

Cognitive, rather than affective exercise, Cognitive, rather than affective exercise, that generally leads to positive affective that generally leads to positive affective responses toward the offenderresponses toward the offender

Help the client see the offender as a Help the client see the offender as a human being, rather than as evilhuman being, rather than as evil

Work Phase Unit One:Work Phase Unit One:ReframingReframing

Typical Questions:Typical Questions:– What was it like for the offender growing up?What was it like for the offender growing up?– What was it like for the offender at the time of What was it like for the offender at the time of

the offense?the offense?– Can you see the offender as part of a human Can you see the offender as part of a human

community?community?– Is it possible that I may have contributed to Is it possible that I may have contributed to

the offender’s actions? (VERY carefully)the offender’s actions? (VERY carefully)– Does the history of our relationship help Does the history of our relationship help

explain the offense?explain the offense?

Work Phase Unit Two:Work Phase Unit Two:Showing Empathy and CompassionShowing Empathy and Compassion

Empathy (“step inside the other’s shoes”) can Empathy (“step inside the other’s shoes”) can emerge at this time; cannot be forcedemerge at this time; cannot be forced– Successful reframing (& fewer distortions) associated Successful reframing (& fewer distortions) associated

with emergence of empathywith emergence of empathy– Cognitive responseCognitive response– Decreases inDecreases in

Over deprecation of the offenderOver deprecation of the offender

Over adulation of the offender (it was OK to do what he/she Over adulation of the offender (it was OK to do what he/she did)did)

– Seeing the offender and the offenses clearly, with Seeing the offender and the offenses clearly, with moral neutralitymoral neutrality

Work Phase Unit Two:Work Phase Unit Two:Showing Empathy and CompassionShowing Empathy and Compassion

Compassion (“come alongside the other Compassion (“come alongside the other person & be willing to suffer along with person & be willing to suffer along with him/her”)him/her”)– Not moral neutral: goal is the good of the Not moral neutral: goal is the good of the

otherother– Affective responseAffective response– Motivates to reach out (within reason) to the Motivates to reach out (within reason) to the

offenderoffender– Beginning of the release from hatred and Beginning of the release from hatred and

bitternessbitterness– A MysteryA Mystery

Work Phase Unit Three:Work Phase Unit Three:Bearing the PainBearing the Pain

Acceptance of what happened and its Acceptance of what happened and its consequencesconsequences– Transitional; when one accepts pain, it Transitional; when one accepts pain, it

diminishesdiminishes– Does not close the door to JusticeDoes not close the door to Justice– Requires great CourageRequires great Courage

When this unit occurs, the client passes When this unit occurs, the client passes from being a victim to being a survivorfrom being a victim to being a survivor

Work Phase Unit Four:Work Phase Unit Four:Giving a Moral GiftGiving a Moral Gift

Beneficence is not internal, it must be expressedBeneficence is not internal, it must be expressed

Cannot be forced (supererogatory in nature)Cannot be forced (supererogatory in nature)

An act of kindness toward the offenderAn act of kindness toward the offender

Sometimes it’s enough to no longer resent and Sometimes it’s enough to no longer resent and think ill of the offenderthink ill of the offender

Treatment in the Work PhaseTreatment in the Work Phase

Telling the story of the offenderTelling the story of the offender

Cultivating a Global (or, perhaps, a spiritual) Cultivating a Global (or, perhaps, a spiritual) PerspectivePerspective

Sharp affective reflections and affirmations by Sharp affective reflections and affirmations by the therapist as empathy and compassion the therapist as empathy and compassion emergeemerge

Motivational enhancement (ready, willing, able Motivational enhancement (ready, willing, able paradigm) toward “bearing the pain”paradigm) toward “bearing the pain”

Rehearsal of the Moral Gift for the offenderRehearsal of the Moral Gift for the offender

Deepening Phase Unit One:Deepening Phase Unit One:Finding MeaningFinding Meaning

Frankl believed that the heart of healing was in finding Frankl believed that the heart of healing was in finding rational meaning, a narrative that makes sense to the rational meaning, a narrative that makes sense to the one sufferingone suffering

New client worldview:New client worldview:– Suffering is part of the worldSuffering is part of the world– Suffering can confer benefitsSuffering can confer benefits– Suffering can be relievedSuffering can be relieved– Suffering depends on one’s perspective, at timesSuffering depends on one’s perspective, at times– Suffering can be lived withSuffering can be lived with

The new narrative makes sense and lessens my The new narrative makes sense and lessens my sufferingsuffering

Deepening Phase Unit Two:Deepening Phase Unit Two:Having Needed Others’ ForgivenessHaving Needed Others’ Forgiveness

Have you ever wronged others?Have you ever wronged others?

– Was forgiveness extended?Was forgiveness extended?– How did that feel?How did that feel?– What were the consequences of receiving What were the consequences of receiving

forgiveness?forgiveness?

Not unusual to generalize forgiveness Not unusual to generalize forgiveness beyond the original hurtbeyond the original hurt

Deepening Phase Unit Three:Deepening Phase Unit Three:Knowing that One is Not AloneKnowing that One is Not Alone

Opening of the heart leads to awareness Opening of the heart leads to awareness ofof– The universality of sufferingThe universality of suffering– Presence of others willing to helpPresence of others willing to help– For religious or spiritual people, deepening of For religious or spiritual people, deepening of

one’s connection with God/Higher Powerone’s connection with God/Higher PowerCollaborative Religious Coping, rather than Self-Collaborative Religious Coping, rather than Self-Directed or DeferringDirected or Deferring

Deepening Phase Unit Four:Deepening Phase Unit Four:Realizing a New PurposeRealizing a New Purpose

Upon Upon feelingfeeling forgiveness client may want forgiveness client may want to extend beneficence to others suffering to extend beneficence to others suffering similarlysimilarly

With decrease or loss of trait anger one With decrease or loss of trait anger one may find one’s world view substantially may find one’s world view substantially changedchanged

Deepening Phase Unit Five:Deepening Phase Unit Five:Awareness of Affective TransformationAwareness of Affective Transformation

Realization of freedom from psychological Realization of freedom from psychological distressdistress– Reductions in depression, anxiety, addiction, Reductions in depression, anxiety, addiction,

stress-related disordersstress-related disorders

– Change in self image concerning virtues and Change in self image concerning virtues and valuevalue

See self as an agent of wisdom and compassion in See self as an agent of wisdom and compassion in the worldthe world

Treatment in the Deepening PhaseTreatment in the Deepening Phase

Key Questions:Key Questions:– What have you learned as a result of the What have you learned as a result of the

suffering you have endured?suffering you have endured?– Can you recall a specific event in which you Can you recall a specific event in which you

were extended forgiveness? Hope to be were extended forgiveness? Hope to be forgiven?forgiven?

– How has this helped you?How has this helped you?– How does this help you to forgive others?How does this help you to forgive others?– Tell me about who you are becoming.Tell me about who you are becoming.

Forgiveness in Addictions CounselingForgiveness in Addictions Counseling

Anger & Substance AbuseAnger & Substance Abuse

– Conduct D/O precedes Substance AbuseConduct D/O precedes Substance Abuse

– AOD abusers have higher levels of trait and AOD abusers have higher levels of trait and state anger than general populationstate anger than general population

– Subjective anger is strongly related to SUD; Subjective anger is strongly related to SUD; stronger relationship than ASPD.stronger relationship than ASPD.


Anger & Substance Abuse (continued)Anger & Substance Abuse (continued)

– Some substances (ETOH, PCP, Amphetamines, Some substances (ETOH, PCP, Amphetamines, Cocaine) associated with provoking aggressive Cocaine) associated with provoking aggressive behaviorsbehaviors

– Adoption studies show strong relationship between Adoption studies show strong relationship between Impulsiveness and addictionImpulsiveness and addiction

– ““Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other guy dies”other guy dies”


12 Step Work focuses on “making amends”12 Step Work focuses on “making amends”– Promotes the work of expressing remorse, a Promotes the work of expressing remorse, a

precursor to reconciliationprecursor to reconciliation

44thth & 5 & 5thth Step can facilitate the Uncovering Step can facilitate the Uncovering Phase, but do not address Decision, Work, and Phase, but do not address Decision, Work, and DeepeningDeepeningSpirituality of the 12 Steps opens heartsSpirituality of the 12 Steps opens hearts– General facilitation of forgiveness in the humility General facilitation of forgiveness in the humility

promoted by 12 Step programspromoted by 12 Step programs

Scant research into the relationship between Scant research into the relationship between State/Trait Anger and RecoveryState/Trait Anger and Recovery

Benefits of ForgivenessBenefits of Forgiveness

““Holding onto Grudges is Harmful”Holding onto Grudges is Harmful”

““Forgiveness is good for health”Forgiveness is good for health”

The work of:The work of:– Everett WorthingtonEverett Worthington– Kathleen Lawler RowKathleen Lawler Row

Empirical ValidationEmpirical Validation

Comparison of:Comparison of:– Decision-Based Forgiveness TherapyDecision-Based Forgiveness Therapy– Process-Based Group Forgiveness TherapyProcess-Based Group Forgiveness Therapy– Process-Based Individual TherapyProcess-Based Individual Therapy

Reference:Reference:– Baskin, T.W. & Enright, R.D. (2004). Baskin, T.W. & Enright, R.D. (2004).

Intervention Studies on Forgiveness: A Meta-Intervention Studies on Forgiveness: A Meta-Analysis.Analysis. Journal of Counseling and Journal of Counseling and Development, 82, p. 79 – 90.Development, 82, p. 79 – 90.

Decision Based Forgiveness TherapyDecision Based Forgiveness Therapy

Forgiveness is a DecisionForgiveness is a Decision– ““I forgive you” is stated publicly.I forgive you” is stated publicly.– Forgiver is consciously aware of this Forgiver is consciously aware of this

proclamation.proclamation.– Cognitive Process.Cognitive Process.

Outcomes Research Results:Outcomes Research Results:– No difference in “level of forgiveness” from No difference in “level of forgiveness” from

Control Groups.Control Groups.– No difference in “emotional health” from No difference in “emotional health” from

Control Groups.Control Groups.

Process-Based Group Forgiveness TherapyProcess-Based Group Forgiveness Therapy

Forgiveness is a Process; Group TherapyForgiveness is a Process; Group Therapy– Process Model of Forgiveness followed in Process Model of Forgiveness followed in

Group Therapy SettingsGroup Therapy Settings– Cognitive, Affective, and Behavioral Cognitive, Affective, and Behavioral

Processes.Processes.

Outcomes Research Results:Outcomes Research Results:– ““Level of Forgiveness” better than 75% of the Level of Forgiveness” better than 75% of the

Control Group.Control Group.– ““Emotional Health” better than 65% of the Emotional Health” better than 65% of the

Control Group.Control Group.

Process-Based Individual Forgiveness TherapyProcess-Based Individual Forgiveness Therapy

Forgiveness is a Process; Individual TherapyForgiveness is a Process; Individual Therapy– Process Model of Forgiveness followed in Individual Process Model of Forgiveness followed in Individual

Therapy SettingsTherapy Settings– Cognitive, Affective, and Behavioral Processes.Cognitive, Affective, and Behavioral Processes.

Outcomes Research Results:Outcomes Research Results:– ““Level of Forgiveness” better than 95% of the Control Level of Forgiveness” better than 95% of the Control

Group.Group.– ““Emotional Health” better than 92% of the Control Emotional Health” better than 92% of the Control

Group.Group.

ReconciliationReconciliation

A Process for the Offended PersonA Process for the Offended Person– Offended forgivesOffended forgives– Offended comes to Trust againOffended comes to Trust again– Offended offers Open CommunicationOffended offers Open Communication– Offended Accepts JusticeOffended Accepts Justice

A Process for the OffenderA Process for the Offender– Offender expresses remorseOffender expresses remorse– Offender provides evidence of remorseOffender provides evidence of remorse– Offender makes amendsOffender makes amends– Offender provides evidence of personal changeOffender provides evidence of personal change

Reconciliation Case Study:Reconciliation Case Study:Ebenezer Scrooge, Nephew Fred, & Bob CratchitEbenezer Scrooge, Nephew Fred, & Bob Cratchit

Ebenezer ScroogeEbenezer Scrooge Nephew Fred Nephew Fred Bob CratchitBob Cratchit


Fred offers unconditional forgiveness to Fred offers unconditional forgiveness to Uncle Scrooge from the outset; Bob Uncle Scrooge from the outset; Bob Cratchit refuses to speak ill of “the founder Cratchit refuses to speak ill of “the founder of the feast,” butof the feast,” but– Trust has not been restoredTrust has not been restored– There is no Open CommunicationThere is no Open Communication– There is no evidence of remorseThere is no evidence of remorse– There is no evidence of any personal changeThere is no evidence of any personal change


After being haunted by the three spirits After being haunted by the three spirits (analogue for the therapeutic process), Scrooge:(analogue for the therapeutic process), Scrooge:– Expresses Remorse for the way he’s lived (Fred Expresses Remorse for the way he’s lived (Fred

opens his door to his uncle in Trust; Bob Cratchit opens his door to his uncle in Trust; Bob Cratchit listens)listens)

– Makes Amends for his past actions (Offers to sit with Makes Amends for his past actions (Offers to sit with Bob Cratchit to discuss his family; promises to keep Bob Cratchit to discuss his family; promises to keep Christmas in his heart throughout the year; Christmas in his heart throughout the year; Communication is now Open)Communication is now Open)

– Provides Evidence of Personal Change (Makes good Provides Evidence of Personal Change (Makes good on promises to help Tiny Tim; makes contribution to on promises to help Tiny Tim; makes contribution to help the poor; Restorative Justice is made)help the poor; Restorative Justice is made)

Forgiveness, Remorse, & Reconciliation:Forgiveness, Remorse, & Reconciliation:The Healing of NationsThe Healing of Nations

South African Truth and Reconciliation South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission: Archbishop Desmond TutuCommission: Archbishop Desmond Tutu

– http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/11092007/watch4.htmlhttp://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/11092007/watch4.html

September 11, 2001September 11, 2001

– Forgiveness Garden ProposalForgiveness Garden Proposal

Documents

Forgiveness, Remorse, & Reconciliation: Lessons Learned from the Amish