Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Chapter 11

FriendshipBased in feeling, reciprocity, choiceLess emotionally, intense than romanticHelp self-esteem, self-awareness, self-

respectFacilitate socialization in adulthood

Adult FriendsStages (ABCDE)

Acquaintanceship Buildup Continuation Deterioration Ending

A-B depends on similarity, communication, importance of relationship

E depends on availability of alternatives

Adult FriendsMore friends in young adulthood than at

any other timeCritical during adulthood as life

satisfaction linked w/ quality of friends Help manage stress Linked w/ longevity

Adult Friends3 broad themes underlay adult friends

Affective componentSelf-disclosure, intimacy, affection, support, trust,

loyalty, commitment Communal nature

Participate in supportive activities Sociability

Friends are source of fun, recreation

Siblings As FriendsImportant relationship for most

Peaks during adolescence & late life At all times women place more importance

Gender Differences: FriendsWomen

Friendships based on intimacy, emotional sharing, disclosure of personal matters

More relationships than menMen

Friendships based on shared activities or interests (e.g, sports) & competition

Less intimacy & disclosure

LoveSternberg

Passion Intimacy Commitment

In a lasting love relationship Passion high early I & C low (but I rising fast) Passion fades, I stabilizes & C rises

Falling In LoveAssortative Mating

Similarity predictions attractionOnly to a pointOnly for key, important dimensions

• Religion, sex, politics, physical appearance

Falling In LoveCompatibility leads to application of 3 filters

(Murstein) Stimulus

Appearance, social class, manners match? Values

Values match? Role

Ideas about relationship, communication style gender roles match

All YES = couple formation

Abusive RelationshipsContinuum of aggression

Verbal - physical - severe - murder Less severe common

25%-40% of relationships display less severe physical abuse (punching, slapping) occasionally

Severe less commonUsually long pattern of abuse of male partner

Abusive RelationshipsCause of abuse depends on type of abuse

Verbal: need to control, jealousy, misuse of power (all also impact more severe forms of abuse)

Physical: abused as child, alcohol, positive attitudes towards violence, aggressive temperament (all also impact more severe forms of abuse)

Severe/murder: personality disorder, emotional instability, poor self-esteem

Abusive RelationshipsCause also depends on gender

Need for control, power, jealousy M > WCulture key as well

Cultures valuing female honor, passivity, nurturing, loyal supporters of higher-status males more accepting of abuse

LifestyleSinglehood

~80% men 20-24 single ~70% women 20-24 single

Some career focused early in adulthood More difficult for single women than men

Social pressure stronger on women to marryMen marry later

2x as many African Americans single in young adulthood

SinglehoodNever married women in 30s

Acute distress & wish to be married OR Emotionally volatile OR Happy single

When does one decide to be single? Gradual process for most

SinglehoodAdvantages & disadvantages

Greater freedom More lonely

Men: higher mortality, alcoholism, suicide ratesWomen: more vulnerable to violent crime & extra

duties at work

CohabitationDramatic increase in past 30 years

Most are 25-44 (v. > 45 in 1970s)3 primary reasons for cohabitation

Limited: convenience ($, sexual access, no commitment)

Premarital: trial marriageSubstitute marriage: long-term commitment w/o

marriage

CohabitationCultural differences abound

Sweden: 99% of couples live together before marriage & 25% unmarried

China: cohabitation rareImpacts on marital success

Reduces marital satisfaction Increases risk of divorce

Gay & Lesbian CouplesIn most ways they are similar to

heterosexual couplesSome differences do emerge

Less likely to argue aboutValues, social-political issues

More likely to argue aboutTrust, former lovers

Gay & Lesbian CouplesGender differences more key

Men: separate sex & love, have more short term relationships

Women: connect sex w/ love, have fewer, longer lasting relationships

Gay couples report less family support Legal system fails to recognize rights of gay

partners

MarriageMedian age increased in past 30 years

Younger you marry higher risk of divorce< 20 3x higher rate than 20s & 6x higher rate than

30s

Factors predicting marital success Identity Homogamy (similarity) Perceived equality (fair exchange)

Marital HappinessPeaks & valleysGenerally happiest early & late

Drops during children Rises after children leave home

Best if dependence is equal for both partners

Keeping a Marriage Happy?Make timeExpress loveBe there in times of needConstructive communicationShow interestConfideForgive, understand

Family Life Cycle Having children bring benefits & problems

Personal satisfaction/needs, etc Financial, personal sacrifices

Decision to have kids impacted by Fs

Having Children?Feminine intrapsychic determinants

Relationship w/ parents, flexibility, feminine identification

Marriage determinants Stability, support satisfaction, stress

management

Having Children?Career determinants

Responsibility, satisfaction, change possibleLifestyle determinants

$, child-free relationship, comparison group

Parental RoleCurrently couples have fewer kids later

Older mothers more affectionate, sensitive Older fathers more invested, spends more time

w/ childBeing a parent very stressful

New responsibilities Changes relationship (ALL about child) Worse for mother (especially is she works)

Men spend ~44% of the time raising kids v. moms

Single ParentsMostly women due to

Divorce Keeping child out of wedlock

Ethnic differences: 70% AA births out of wedlock

Impacts on parents Emotional difficulty Financial problems (worse for single mothers) Dating difficult (lonely)

Alternative ParentingGay couples raising children

No negative impacts Some potential positives

DivorceDivorce rate - 50% in US

Highest in Russia, lowest in Netherlands Increased in developed countries recently

Changes in social norms, laws

Reasons cited by men & women for D Unhappy, infidelity, sexual problems

Men: alcohol abuse by self, women’s libWomen: alcohol abuse by spouse, physical abuse

DivorceFactors impacting divorce

Macro reasonsSocial-cultural changes/values, gender roles

Demographics reasonsAge at marriage, parental divorce, cohabitation

Interpersonal reasonsInfidelity, violence, $, children, growing apart

DivorceImpacts of divorce on couple

Emotional problems (lasting)Depressed, rejected, angry, disappointed,

unhappy Divorce hangover

Unable to let go and move on as single personPreoccupation predictor of poor adjustment

• Men: accept blame, move out, social life changed• Women: fewer remarriage, friends prospects, $ troubles

DivorceRelationship w/ children

70% mothers regain custody after divorce Fathers become negligent rapidly Problems extend to divorce w/ adult children

Emotional difficulties & poor father relationship

RemarriageVery common (W < M)

Average wait is 4 years Increased change of divorce (even more w./. stepchildren)

Women benefit more than men