Guess the End Jokes

244 GGUUEESSSS TTHHEE EENNDD

1-The Architect

An American architect was visiting London. Hewas on a business trip but he also wanted to seeall the famous buildings in London. The Americandid not have much time so he stopped a taxi andasked the driver to take him to all the old andfamous buildings in London, The taxi driver drovehim to the Tower of London." This is the Tower ofLondon. It was a prison in the old days," he said.The American looked at the building and said," Itis so small. In America we could build this in aday." The taxi driver took the American toWestminster Abbey. He said," This is a famouschurch. Kings and queens get married here." TheAmerican looked at the old building andsaid,"Huh. In America we could build this churchin two days," The driver decided to take theAmerican to a bigger church so he drove him to StPaul's Cathedral. He stopped outside the churchand said," This is the most famous church inEngland. The great architect Christopher Wrenbuilt this church." The American got out of the taxiand looked at the church," Huh, In America wecould build this church in three days." he said.Next the driver took the American to the Housesof Parliament." This is where British politiciansmeet. "Huh." the American said. "We could buildthis in four days." The driver drove pastBuckingham Palace, the home of Queen Elizabeth.As the taxi passed the palace, the American said,"Hey. What is this big and beautiful building" Thetaxi driver looked at the palace and said,

"............................................"

2-Boys and Girls

Amanda Gardener was eighteen. Her parentsdecided to have her birthday party in a hotel.About two hundred people came to the party. Anold woman was staying in the hotel. She heard themusic and came into the party room. The youngboys and girls were dancing in the middle of theroom. The old lady sat down, and watched. Thenshe said, "When I was young, parties were differ-ent. It was very easy to tell who was a boy andwho was a girl. Today it's very difficult to tell whois a boy and who is a girl." The person sitting nextto her said nothing.

The old lady continued, "When I was young,boys wore trousers and girls wore dresses. Lookat that girl over there. She's wearing boy's jeans".The person sitting next to her said nothing. Theold lady continued," When I was young, boys hadshort hair and girls had long hair, so it was veryeasy to tell who was a boy and who was a girl.That girl's hair is very short. It's a boy's haircut."The person sitting next to her said nothing. Thenthe old lady said, "Do you think she is a boy or agirl? It is very difficult to tell, isn't it?" The personsitting next to her said," No. It is very easy for mebecause that girl is my daughter." The old ladywas very embarrassed and she said, "Oh dear, I'msorry. I didn't know you were her father." The per-son sitting next to her replied,"............................................"

3-The Crying Child

One Sunday a young father was walkingthrough the park. He was pushing a pram. Therewas a very young baby in the pram and it was cry-ing loudly. The young father said softly," Take iteasy, Martin. Keep calm, Martin. Control yourself,Martin." The young rather walked on but the childcried louder. The father stopped and took a Teddybear out of a bag. He gave it to the child. He saidsoftly," Take it easy, Martin. Keep calm, Martin.Control yourself. Martin. "The young father start-ed to push the pram again. After a few minutesthe child began to cry. It cried louder and longer.The father put his hand into his pocket and tookout some chocolate. He gave a piece to the childand said softly, "Take It easy, Martin, Keep calm,Martin. Control yourself. Martin." The young fatherwalked on. Three minutes later the child started tocry. It cried louder and louder and louder. Thefather took the baby out of the pram and held itin his arms. He said softly." Take it easy, Martin.Keep calm, Martin. Control yourself, Martin." Thechild did not stop crying. It cried louder and loud-er. An old woman was watching the father. Shewalked across to the young father and she smiled.She said, "You are doing very well, young man.You talk to the child with a calm and quiet voice."The old woman looked at the child and said,"What's wrong, Martin. Why are you crying?" Thefather said quickly

"............................................"

4-The Dog

Linda Robinson was very thirsty so shewent into a café. There was an old woman inthe cafe. She was sitting at a table near thedoor. At her feet, under the table, there wasa small dog. Linda bought a large glass oflemonade and some biscuits. She sat downat the table next to the old woman. The oldwoman sat quietly. She looked lonely. Lindadecided to talk to the old woman. She said,"It is very hot today." Yes, but it is nice andcool inside the cafe" replied the old woman.

Linda looked at the little dog and sheasked," Does your dog like people? ""Oh, heis very friendly. Linda wanted to give the dogone of her biscuits so she asked," Does yourdog like biscuits?"

"They are his favorite food." said the oldwoman. Linda was afraid of dogs so shesaid," Does your dog bite?" The old womanlaughed and said," No. My dog is very tame.He is afraid of cats."

Linda took a biscuit from her plate and sheput it near the dog's mouth. However, thedog didn't bite the biscuit, it hit Linda's hand.Linda jumped out of the chair and screamedin pain. In an angry voice, she shouted at theold woman," You said that your dog didn'tbite." The old woman looked at Linda and atthe dog. Then she said,

"............................................"

5-The English Lesson

George was sitting in his English class. Itwas a hot afternoon and he was feelingsleepy. It was a grammar lesson and Georgewas also bored. He hated grammar. He want-ed to leave school and work. He wanted to bea gardener. George loved flowers and trees.George looked out of the window. He lookedat the trees and flowers. Then he startedday-dreaming. After ten minutes the teacherstopped talking. She asked the students todo a grammar exercise in their books. Thestudents took out their exercise books andtheir pencils and they started writing. Theteacher looked at George. She saw that hewasn't writing so she said," Why aren't youwriting, George?"

George stopped dreaming and said,"What, Miss?" Wake up, George!" the teachersaid. "Why aren't you writing?" Georgethought for a moment and replied," I ain't

got no pencil.The teacher looked at George and said,"

You ain't got no pencil? You mean I don'thave a pencil."

George did not understand the Englishteacher so he said, "Sorry, Miss." The teachersaid in an angry voice, "I don't have a pencil.You don't have a pencil. He doesn't have apencil. She doesn't have a pencil. We don'thave pencils. They don't have pencils. Now,George. Do you understand?" George lookedat the teacher for a moment and then hesaid,

"............................................"

6-The Free Ticket

Allison Lumsden lived by herself in a smallhouse. One day she received a letter. Whenshe opened the letter there was a cinematicket inside, there was also a note in the let-ter. It said, 'Here is a free ticket to the cine-ma on Saturday night. Enjoy yourself.'However there was no name with the letter,Allison decided to telephone her friends tofind out who sent her the present. First of allshe called her father." Dad. Did you send mea cinema ticket?" "No," he replied, "Perhapsit was your brother." Allison called her broth-er. "Andrew. Did you send me a cinema tick-et?" "No," he replied. "Perhaps it wasRoberta." Roberta was Allison's best friend soshe rang her, "Roberta, Did you send me acinema ticket?" "No." she replied. Allisonphoned all her friends but none of them hadsent her the ticket. She decided to phone themanager of the cinema. "My name is AllisonLumsden. I received a free ticket for yourcinema on Saturday night. Did you send it tome?" "No," said the manager. Allison waspuzzled. On Saturday night she did not knowwhat to do but then she decided to use theticket. She put on her coat and went to thecinema. It was a good film and she enjoyedherself. When she got home she was verysurprised. There was a note on the front doorof her house. It said,

"............................................"

245GGUUEESSSS TTHHEE EENNDD


7-The Genie

A Frenchman, an Englishman and aGerman were traveling in a boat from Franceto Australia, Unfortunately, the boat sank butthe three men swam to a small island. Therewas nobody on the island and it was thou-sands of kilometers from Australia. The menwaited for another boat to come but nonecame. After two months they were veryunhappy." We will have to live here forever,"said the Englishman. "We will have to eatbananas every day," said the German. "Wewill never see our families again," said theFrenchman. One day the German found anold bottle on the beach. He took the bottle tohis two friends. When he opened the bottle agenie came out. The genie said to the threemen, "Thank you for letting me out of thebottle. I was inside that bottle for five hun-dred years. Now I am free. I can give youtwo wishes each." The German said," I amhungry and thirsty; I want some sausage toeat and some beer to drink. Secondly, I wantto go back to Germany." "Your wishes aregranted," said the genie. Five seconds laterthe German disappeared. Next theFrenchman said, "I am hungry and thirsty, Iwant some cheese to eat and some wine todrink. Secondly I want to return to my fami-ly in France." "Your wishes are granted," saidthe genie. Five seconds later the Frenchmandisappeared. "And what do you want?" thegenie said to the Englishman, TheEnglishman thought for a few minutes. Thenhe said, "............................................"

8-The Hunter

Richard Sinclair worked for a zoo. He wasa hunter. When the zoo wanted new animals,Richard went out and caught them. He was avery good hunter and he had an unusual wayof catching animals. One year the zoo need-ed some African tree monkeys so Richardwent to Africa to catch some. He took a newassistant with him. Richard also took a verylarge dog him. It was an angry dog and ithad very large, sharp teeth. It often bit peo-ple so Richard tied a piece of rope around thedog's mouth to keep it closed. The three ofthem traveled to Africa. They went into thejungle to an area where the tree monkeyslived. When they saw a tree monkey in a talltree in front of them, Richard took out a largebag and a gun. He gave them to the assis-

tant." What will I do with these?" the assis-tant asked." Listen carefully," Richard said, "Iwill climb the tree. Then I will shake the treevery hard and a monkey will fall out of it."The assistant thought for a minute. Then hesaid," But the monkey is very fast and it willrun away before I can catch it."' Don'tworry," Richard replied. ""Take the rope fromthe dog's month. It is very angry and veryfast. It will catch the monkey and bite it withits sharp teeth. The dog will hold the monkeyin its mouth. You follow the dog and put themonkey in the bag. Very easy, very simpleand it works every time. Do you understandwhat to do?" The assistant thought for a fewseconds. Then he said, "Yes, I understandwhat to do. But what do I need the gun for?"Richard smiled and said, "............................................"

9-The Lion

One day a young lion walked through thejungle. He was young, strong and proud. Thelion met a snake and said, "Snake. Who isthe king of the jungle?" "You are," the snakereplied quickly. It did not want to make thelion angry. The lion smiled and walked on.Thirty meters later he met a monkey. Thelion looked at the monkey and said. "Monkey.Who is the king of the jungle?" "You are," themonkey replied. It turned round quickly andclimbed a tree. It felt safe there. The lionlooked up at the monkey and smiled. A fewminutes later he met a crocodile. He stoppedand said,

"Crocodile. Who is the king of the jungle?""You are," answered the crocodile. It wentquickly into the river where it felt safe. Thelion smiled and walked on. Next he met agiraffe. He looked up and shouted, "Giraffe.Who is the king of the jungle?" The giraffedid not answer so the lion roared loudly. Thegiraffe was very afraid and said. "You are.""Answer quickly next time," said the lion, "orI might have to eat you," The lion walkedon. He was very happy that all the other ani-mals were afraid of him. A few hundredmeters later he met an elephant. "Elephant.Who is the king of the jungle?" The elephantlooked at the lion. Suddenly it picked the lionup with its trunk and dropped it on theground. Next the elephant jumped on top ofthe lion. The lion was very surprised. Now itwas dirty and hurt. It shouted at the ele-phant, "............................................"

10-Old Age

Andrew Wilson was visiting a home for oldpeople. He went up to an old man who had avery long white beard and said," Can I askhow old you are, sir?" "Ninety-six replied theold man." Why do you think you have livedso long?" asked Andrew. "I don't smoke; Idon't drink beer or wine." At the other side ofthe room Andrew saw a man who lookedolder; he went up to the man and askedpolitely, "Can I ask how old you are, sir?""Ninety-nine," replied the old man." Why doyou think you have lived so long?" askedAndrew." I don't smoke or drink. And I amnot married." he said. A nurse came into theroom. She was pushing a very, very old manin a wheelchair. Andrew said to the man,"Can I ask how old you are, sir?" "One hun-dred and ten years old," replied the old man."Why do you think you have lived so long?"asked Andrew. "I don't smoke or drink. I amnot married and I never eat meat." In thecorner of the room Andrew saw a very, very,very old man. He had no hair, no teeth andhe could not see or hear very well. "Why doyou think you have lived so long, sir?"Andrew asked. "I smoke forty cigarettesevery day; I drink five bottles of wine. I havetwenty children. I only eat meat and choco-late. I never eat fruit." Andrew was very sur-prised and said. "And how old are you, sir?"The man said slowly,

"............................................"

11-The Polar Bear

One day a baby polar bear and its motherwere standing in the snow at the North Pole.It was snowing and a cold wind was blowing.The baby polar bear looked at its mother andsaid, "Mother, am I really a polar bear?" "Yes,of course you are, son. You are a beautifulpolar bear" she said.

After a few seconds the baby polar bearsaid, "Are you sure, mother!'" "Of course I'msure. Look at your fur. Isn't it thick?" "Yes,mother." "And your fur is white like the snow,isn't it?" "Yes, mother." "And you can swim inthe cold sea, can't you?" "Yes, mother." "Andyou can catch fish, can't you?"

"Yes, mother." "And you have sharp teethfor eating meat, haven't you?" "Yes mother.""And you have hair on your feet to help youwalk on ice, haven't you?" "Yes, mother,""And all the other animals are frightened ofyou, aren't they?" "Yes, mother" Then themother polar bear said, "So, son, I am sureyou are a polar bear. Why do you ask?" Thebaby polar bear looked up and said,

"............................................"

12-The Salesman

Henry Leech was a salesman. He sold vac-uum cleaners. He was a good salesman andhe sold lots of vacuum cleaners. One weekthe manager sent Henry into the country-side. He drove out of town and stopped at afarmhouse. He knocked at the door and thefarmer's wife opened it. Henry started talkingimmediately. "Madam, how much time doyou spend sweeping the floors of thishouse?" "A lot of time. This is a farm. Thefloors get dirty quickly, she replied. "And howmuch time do you spend hearing the car-pets?" "A lot of time. My husband always for-gets to take off his boots." "And how muchtime do you spend cleaning the sofa andarmchairs?" "A lot of time. The dog alwayssits on them." she replied. Henry smiled atthe farmer's wife and said, "Madam, this isyour lucky day. I am going to show yousomething that will change your life," Henryshowed her his vacuum cleaner and said,"You can clean the house in minutes with thismachine." The farmer's wife did not lookinterested. Henry took out a big bag. It wasfull of dirt and very small pieces of paper. Heopened the bag and threw the dirt and paperover the floor and carpets of the farmhouse.The farmer's wife was very surprised. Beforeshe could speak, Henry said, "Madam, if thismachine does not pick up all the dirt andpaper, I will eat the dirt and paper." Thefarmer's wife looked at Henry and said,

"............................................"



13-The Shopkeeper

Mr. Green opened a grocer's shop when hewas twenty years old. For sixty-five years heworked in the shop every day. He workedvery hard and he never took a holiday. Oneday Mr. Green was ill. He stayed in bed. Thedoctor came and examined him. He said toMr. Green's family, "He is very ill. I'm sorry.There is nothing I can do. He will die soon,"Mr. Green's family went into the bedroomafter the doctor left. They stood around thebed. Mr. Green's eyes were closed. After afew minutes he started to speak in a quietvoice. He said, "Are you here, Jane?" "I'mhere," said his wife. She was crying softly.Then Mr. Green asked, "Are you here, Toby?""I'm here," said his eldest son. He tried notto cry. After a few seconds Mr. Green said,"Are you here, Mary?" "I'm here, father," saidhis eldest daughter. She was also crying. Mr.Green asked, "Are you here, John?" "I'mhere," said the youngest son. He touched hisfather's hand. After a minute, Mr. Green said,"Are you here, Lorna?" I'm here, father," saidthe youngest daughter. Her eyes were red.Suddenly Mr. Green opened his eyes. He wasvery weak but he lifted his head and shout-ed, "............................................"

14-The Thirsty Tourist

A tourist was traveling alone in the desert.After two weeks his car stopped working. Hegot out and started walking. He was lost andhe had no water. It was very hot and hebecame very thirsty. After five hours he sawa small tent in front of him, there was awoman in the tent. The tourist said to thewoman, "Water. Please sell me some water.""I'm sorry. I haven't any water, I am takingties to the market to sell," the womanreplied, the tourist walked on. He becamethirstier. Two kilometers later he came toanother small tent. There was an old man inthe tent. "Water. Please sell me some water.""I'm sorry. I haven't any water, I am takingties to the market to sell," the man replied.The tourist put his money back into his pock-et and walked on. He was very, very thirstyand also very tired. One kilometer later hearrived at a third tent. There was a man witha beard in the tent. The man said, "Do youwant to buy a tie? I have many beautifulties," "No. No. No," shouted the tourist,

"I need water. Please sell me water." "I'msorry. I only have ties," said the old beardedman. The tourist fell to the ground and start-ed to crawl. An hour later he saw a largehotel. It was an expensive-looking hotel. Thetourist crawled to the door and took out allhis money. He said to the doorman, "Water!I will pay £100 for a glass of water." Thedoorman looked at the dirty tourist and said,"............................................"

15-The Artist

Charles Dupont was an unknown Frenchartist. He was an extremely talented artistbut he painted very slowly. In twenty yearsCharles had only produced forty paintings.Most people agreed that the quality of hispaintings was excellent, but nobody offeredCharles much money for them. Charles didnot want to sell them cheaply so he kept allof them in his studio. One day Charles wasfeeling depressed so he took a long look athis life. After some time he came to the deci-sion that it was time to give up his life as anartist and do something different. He decid-ed to sell all of his paintings.

Charles' father was a baker in a small vil-lage. He was getting old and he needed help.As the only child, Charles thought that hewould return home and help his father runthe bakery. People might not buy his paint-ings but surely they would buy his bread.Charles took his forty paintings to a friendwho had an art gallery. His friend agreed tohelp Charles sell his paintings by exhibitingthem in the gallery. However, if they had notbeen sold in three weeks, Charles wouldhave to take them back.

Each day Charles went to the gallery afterit closed, but each day he was disappointed.None of his paintings had been sold. On thetwenty-first day he met his friend at thegallery door. His friend said, "Do you wantthe good news or the bad news first?"Charles was excited and asked for the goodnews. "Earlier today a man came into thegallery and asked if your paintings wouldincrease in value when you were dead. WhenI told him that they would probably be worthten or twenty times as much as they arenow, he bought them all." "Wonderful!"Charles cried in delight, "Now what's the badnews?" "............................................"


16-The Businessman

Mr. Kane was a tough but successful busi-nessman. Ten years ago, he started a smallbusiness. One day his son, Peter, came tohim and said that he wanted to be a busi-nessman like his father. Mr. Kane told himthat you had to be tough to succeed in busi-ness. He wanted Peter to go to university andbecome a lawyer, a teacher, or a doctor.However, his son was stubborn and refused.He only wanted to be a businessman andurged his father to help him. "Please, Dad.Teach me how to be a successful business-man." Reluctantly, Mr. Kane agreed to hisson's request. "Okay, Peter. First of all I wantyou to walk down to the wall al the bottom ofthe garden." Peter looked at his father andsaid, "But what has that got to do with busi-ness, dad?" "Don't ask questions. Trust meand do what I say," he replied. Peter waspuzzled but he walked to the wall. His fathercontinued, "Now climb up the ladder andstand on top of the wall." Again Peterprotested, "But I don't see how this will helpme to be a businessman." "Don't ask ques-tions. Trust me and do what I say," Mr. Kanesaid, Peter climbed up the ladder and stoodon top of the wall, it was six meters high andPeter felt his legs begin to shake, "Now.Jump down into the garden" his father said"But I can't. I'll injure myself," Peter protest-ed. "Do you want to become a successfulbusinessman or not?" "Yes, of course." Petercried.

"Then trust me. I know what I am doing.Jump!" Peter jumped into the garden andbroke both his legs. As he screamed in painhis father came over to him and said,"............................................"

17-The Diplomat

In1880, there was an important meetingin London to discuss international trade andbusiness between Europe and South EastAsia. Over 20 countries sent diplomats to theconference. In the evenings there were for-mal dinners. The diplomats were oftenaccompanied by their wives or husbands atthese functions. At one dinner, the wife of aBritish diplomat was placed next to a gentle-man from China. Lady Barnes had neverseen or met anybody from China before. Shefelt a little uncomfortable. As she sat down atthe table she did not know what to say tohim. She wasn't sure if he spoke English soshe just smiled. The Chinese gentlemansmiled back. They both sat in silence. LadyBarnes was glad when the soup arrived. Itgave her something to talk about. After a fewminutes she turned to the Chinese gentle-man and in a loud, slow and dear voice shesaid, "Likee soupee." The Chinese gentlemanlooked up at her. He smiled and nodded hishead. Lady Barnes did not try to begin anoth-

er conversation and neither did the Chinesegentleman. They completed the meal withoutspeaking another word to each other. LadyBarnes was very surprised when the Chinesegentleman stood up and began a long speechat the end of the meal. He thanked theBritish for the wonderful reception they hadgiven the Chinese. He thanked them for theirhospitality and for a delicious meal. He saidthat he was sure that relations betweenEurope and the Far East would improvebecause of the meeting of diplomats inLondon, He spoke perfect English. He wasclear, natural and fluent. When the Chinesegentleman sat down there was greatapplause from the three hundred guests. Heturned to Lady Barnes, who looked veryembarrassed, and said,

"............................................"

18-The Debaters

Debating is a very popular activity inGreat Britain. For the British, it is importantto be able to speak well and to speak con-vincingly. As a result there are many debat-ing clubs and societies in schools and univer-sities to train people to debate well. Eachyear there is a competition to find the coun-try's best debater. One year the finalists wereSteven Swan from England and MagnusMacDonald from Scotland. They were twovery different characters, both in appearanceand personality, Steven Swan was a shortand very fat man. He weighed over 200 kilosand he was shaped like a ball. He was a verysociable man. Steven was always withfriends and he never stopped talking. Hespent a great amount of his time in expen-sive London restaurants debating with politi-cians and businessmen. They always paid thebills so Stephen ate enormous amounts offood. Magnus MacDonald, on the other hand,was almost the complete opposite. He wastall and very very thin. He looked like a pen-cil and he seemed to be just skin and bones.Magnus lived in a small Scottish town so hewas quite unknown. He was a quiet man whospent most of his time reading books in thelibrary. He never spoke unless it was neces-sary; 'Never waste words' was one of hisfavorite sayings. On the day of the final, alarge crowd waited anxiously to see and hearthe two finalists. They entered the debatingroom and stood looking at each other. Thiswas the first time that they had met. Magnuswas silent. Steven slowly looked at Magnusfrom head to toe and said, "So you areMagnus. Looking at you, anybody wouldthink that there was a famine in Scotland,"The crowd laughed. Magnus waited until thelaughter had stopped and replied coldly,"............................................"


19-The Dust

Mr. White was sitting on a train which wastraveling from Glasgow to London. The trainwas quite empty and quiet so Mr. White wasfinding the journey enjoyable and relaxing.At Birmingham, a man with, a long beard gotonto the train. He looked a little eccentric. Hehad pink trousers, a yellow shirt with a greentie, a silver hat, orange socks and bright redshoes. After 3 few minutes the man openeda small brown bag and cook out some finewhite powder. It looked like chalk dust. Hestarted to throw the powder around the rail-way carriage. He continued doing this forabout five minutes. Then he smiled to him-self and sat down. Mr. White ignored him andkept on reading his newspaper. Howevertwenty minutes later the man took out hisbag again and sprinkled the white powderaround the carriage. Mr. White continued toignore the man. However the man kept scat-tering his powder around the carriage everytwenty minutes and this began to irritate Mr.White. After two hours Mr. White askedangrily, "Excuse me, but what are youdoing?" The man stopped throwing the whitepowder and said, "Look in my hag, sir. Thispowder is no ordinary powder. This is ANTl-TIGER DUST. It's very special, very rare andvery expensive." In an irritated voice Mr.White shouted, "But why are you throwing itaround this railway carriage?" "Ah, said theman." By sprinkling it around the carriage Iam keeping all the tigers away." Mr. Whitewas astonished. How anybody could be sostupid, he thought to himself. He protestedto the man, "But there are no tigers aroundhere!" The man smiled and said,"............................................"

20-The Film Star

Rocky Grant was a very famous and suc-cessful film star. He was extremely hand-some and an excellent actor. His films werealways smash hits and they made lots ofmoney. Rocky's last film 'Rumbol 6' made$250,000,000. As a result of this success, allthe big film companies wanted Rocky to workfor them, even though Rocky's fees werehigh. He never worked for less than$10,000,000 a film. However, there was asmall problem. Nobody liked working withRocky. Film directors found him very difficult.He was so arrogant that he usually tried totell the directors what to do. The other actorsalso found him impossible to work with.Rocky always complained that they wereamateurs and not good enough to work withhim. As a result, very few people talked tohim. Rocky was also very unsociable. Henever bought drinks or presents for the peo-

ple he worked with, and he never invitedanybody to his huge luxury home. The onlything that Rocky liked to do was talk aboutmoney. He talked about his houses, his pri-vate planes, his collection of paintings andother possessions. He always talked abouthimself. He never asked if you were well ornot. One morning while they were filming ascene for the film 'The Last Millionaire', ayoung cameraman came up to Rocky. Heasked Rocky politely if he would move to theside so that he could get past with his cam-era. Rocky looked angrily at the young manand started shouting at the top of his voice,

"Do you know who you ate talking to? I'mRocky Grant, the world's most famous filmstar. I've made over one hundred films. I'mone of the world's richest men; I've got$1,000,000.000 in the bank. Now, youngman. What have you got?" The cameramanlistened to Rocky calmly, and then said,"............................................"

21-The New Lawyer

Matthews and Sons were a firm of lawyersin London. They were a very old and muchrespected company. They had been estab-lished by Benjamin Matthews in 1770. Theywere also a fairly large company, sixtylawyers worked there. However, all of theselawyers were men. No woman had everworked for the company. In today's worldthis situation was embarrassing. At a meet-ing one day, Sir Reginald Matthews, the headof the firm, said that they would have toemploy a female lawyer. The lawyers agreedand after a long series of interviews JennyThatcher was chosen. Jenny was a hard-working, assertive woman who got thingsdone efficiently and quickly. She soon estab-lished a reputation for good service. Thispleased Sir Reginald. As long as anybodycould remember, the weekly meetings of thelawyers had been quiet and peaceful. Atthese meetings important policy decisionswere made. However, none of the lawyershad ever dared to question or argue with thedecisions taken by Sir Reginald Matthews, Afew months after her arrival at the companyJenny Thatcher began to disagree with someof Sir Reginald's decisions. The situationgradually got worse. After a few months theyargued at every meeting. After six monthsthey had stopped talking politely to eachother. They simply shouted at each other.Meetings were now battles. At one meetingSir Reginald got very angry with Jenny whenshe said that he was not able to run the com-pany. She said that he should retire and handit over to somebody younger. Sir Reginaldlooked Jenny in the eye and said, "MissThatcher. You are impossible. If you were mywife I would put poison in your tea." The menin the room giggled. Jenny looked at SirReginald and said,

"............................................"


22-The Parking Space

Alan Bell was "18. He drove a Mini, whichis a very small British car. Alan loved his carand he washed and polished it every day.Last weekend he went into the centre ofLondon, where it was busy and very difficultto find a parking space. After thirty minutesAlan found an empty parking space but hedid not park his car in the space. Instead, hewaited about thirty meters from it. A minutelater a car stopped and began to reverse intothe space. Alan raced forward in his Mini andsped into the empty parking space ahead ofthe other car. Alan got out of his car and said,"You have to be young and very fast to dothat" When the angry driver drove away Alangot back into his car and drove out of thespace. Once again he waited about thirtymeters from the empty space, The next carto come along was a beautiful white Rolls-Royce. The driver was an old man. He start-ed to reverse slowly into the parking space.However Alan raced forward and shot intothe empty space. Proudly, he got out of hiscar and looked at the old man who had rolleddown the window of his Rolls-Royce. Alansaid, "You have to be young and very fast todo that." The old man did not look angry andhe did not drive away. Instead he reversedhis car into the back of Alan's Mini, He wentforward and then he reversed into the Miniagain, Alan watched in horror as the big carsmashed into his little Mini. After a few min-utes his car was a wreck. He would not beable to drive it again. Alan stood with hismouth wide-open, staring blankly at the driv-er of the Rolls Royce. The old man got out ofthe Rolls-Royce, which was also badly dam-aged. He handed Alan a card with his insur-ance details on it. He smiled and said,"............................................"

23-The Perfect Partner

Christian Gibson was a famous and suc-cessful fashion designer. His clothes weresold in the world's most exclusive shops.These clothes weren't cheap. A single dresscould cost £5,000. Film stars, kings andqueens were his regular customers. Christianwas 54. He was a passionate man but hismarriages never seemed to last long. He hadbeen married and divorced five times. Hewas still friendly with his ex-wives and met

them frequently. For Christian, women werethe most desirable things in the world and hespent much of his time chasing them. OneJuly, Christian was at an international fashionshow in Singapore. At a formal dinner partyone evening, he became quite bored with thepeople at his table. He lit a cigar and lookedround the room at the other tables and thepeople sitting at them. At one table he gazedin astonishment at the most beautiful womanhe had ever seen. The woman was tall,blonde, with a face like an angel. Her eyessparkled and were as blue as the sea. Herteeth were like snow and her smile warmedhis heart. She was amazingly beautiful.Christian's heart began to beat quickly. Hedecided that he had to meet this sensualwoman. Luckily, he noticed that his secondwife was also sitting at the table. Sheappeared to know the woman. He watchedthem talking amiably together. Then he tookout a small sheet of notepaper and wrote,'Who is that incredibly beautiful woman atthe table?' He folded the paper and handed itto a waiter. He told the waiter to give it dis-creetly to his ex-wife, Christian's second wiferead the note. She looked at her gorgeousfriend and then across at Christian, Shesmiled and wrote something on the notepa-per. She sent the note back to Christian whosnatched the note from the waiter. His handsshook as he unfolded it. The note said,"............................................"

24-The Sheep Farmer

Clive Donovan was a sheep farmer inAustralia about a hundred years ago. Helived a very solitary life on his sheep farmfour hundred kilometers from the nearesttown. Clive was not used to company so hedid not say much. He was also a strict manwho did not like to be disobeyed or criticized.One day Clive read an article in the newspa-per about a small group of young Englishwomen who wanted to come to Australia tomarry Australian men. Clive wrote to thegroup and for the next six months heexchanged letters with a young lady calledMary Calderwood. To his surprise, Maryagreed to marry him. Three months laterClive drove his wagon to the nearest railway


station to meet Mary. The wagon was pulledby two horses. Clive helped Mary up onto thewagon and they began the long journey tothe farm. Clive did not say a word. Marythought that living alone for so long hadprobably made him very shy. She decided tostay quiet. After a kilometer one of the hors-es stood on a stone and stumbled. Thisshook the wagon and made Clive angry. Hestood up pointed at the horse and shouted,"That's one." Clive sat down again and theycontinued their journey in silence. Ten kilo-meters later the same horse stumbled again.Clive pointed a finger at the horse and shout-ed angrily, "That's two," Mary thought thatshe saw fear in the eyes of the horse. Shewas new to Australia so she decided not toask any questions. However, twenty kilome-ters later the unfortunate horse stumbled forthe third time. "That's three," thunderedClive as he jumped down from the wagon. Hetook out his gun and shot the terrified horsebetween the eyes. Mary was shocked. "Whydid you do that?" she protested. "How couldyou do such a cruel and stupid thing?" Cliveturned slowly to his young wife and said,"............................................"

25-The Space Race

During the 1950's and the 1960's theUnited States of America and Russia tookpart in a race to put a man into space. Largeamounts of money were spent and some ofthe most intelligent scientists worked togeth-er to design rockets to carry people intospace. The Russians were the first country toput a man into space when Yuri Gagarin cir-cled the Earth. The Russians were veryproud. They were ahead in the space race.However, the Americans won the next stagein the rate. On the 20th of July 1969, NeilArmstrong became the first man to step ontothe surface of the Moon. The Americans wereproud and they were ahead in the spacerace. The British, who had been a strong sci-entific power in the early part of the 20thcentury, were jealous. All the best British sci-entists had gone to work for the Americansbecause they were paid higher salaries andhad better research facilities.

The space scientists who remained inGreat Britain had very little money to devel-op a British space program. In 1970 therewas a big party in New York to celebrate theAmerican landing on the Moon. One of the

British scientists sent to the party decided tomake a speech. He said proudly, "We areplanning to land a man on the Sun. TheRussians were first into space. TheAmericans were the first to the Moon.However, the British will be the first to theSun." An astonished Russian scientist asked"What will you do about the intense heat andlight? Have you developed new materialsthat won't be melted by the sun?" AnAmerican scientist added, "What about thesun's radiation? How will you protect theastronauts against it?" The British scientistlaughed and said,

"............................................"

26-The Proud Mother

John was a very intelligent young boy. Hisparents were ordinary people who did nothave much money, but John won, a scholar-ship to a very famous private school. Most ofthe other boys came from very rich families.John's parents had left school when theywere very young so they were not very well-educated. Quite often John came home fromschool and used long words that his motherand father did not understand. One day hereturned from school and said to his mother,"Mum, may I relate to you a narrative?""What is a narrative?" she asked. "A narra-tive is a tale, a kind of story, mother." "Oh, Isee," said the mother. So John told her a longtale about a king who wanted to be a bird. Itwas such a long story that it was time to goto bed when he finished. As John was leavingthe room he said to his mother, "Shall Iextinguish the light" "What does 'extinguishmean?" his mother asked. "To 'extinguishsomething' means to 'put something out'said John."Oh, I see," said his mother. "Yes.Put the light out." The next day John's moth-er was very nervous. The headmaster wascoming to have tea at their house to talkabout John's excellent progress, John'smother wanted to sound like an educatedwoman. The headmaster arrived. John'smother gave him a cup of tea and one of herhome-made pies which she had spent allmorning baking. The pies were just out of theoven and they smelled delicious, John, hismother, and the headmaster sat downtogether. While they were eating, the familydog became excited by the smell of the pies.It began to bark and jump up and down.John's mother wanted to impress the head-master so she said to John,

"............................................"


1-The ArchitectI don't know. It wasn't there this morning.

2-Boys and GirlsI'm not her father. I'm her mother.

3-The Crying ChildI'm Martin. The baby's name is Paul.

4-The DogThat's not my dog.

5-The English LessonMy goodness! What happened to all thepencils, Miss?

6-The Free TicketI've taken your TV, your video and jew-ellery. Now you know who sent you thetickets.

7-The GenieIt's lonely here now. Will you bring backthe German and will you bring back theFrenchman please.

8-The HunterIf I fall out of the tree, shoot the dog.

9-The LionYou don't have to get angry because youdon't know the answer.

10-Old Age Thirty-five years old.

11-The Polar BearBecause I'm freezing cold.

12-The SalesmanI'll get you a spoon. My house doesn'thave the electricity.

13-The ShopkeeperThen who's looking after the shop?

14-The Thirsty TouristI'm sorry sir. You can't come into the hotelif you aren't wearing a tie.

15-The ArtistThe man was your doctor

16-The BusinessmanSon, always remember that the first rulein business is; Never trust anybody.

17-The DiplomatLike speechee?

18-The DebatersLooking at you, anybody would think that

you had caused it.

19-The DustThat shows you how good my dust is

20-The Film StarFriends

21-The New LawyerSir Reginald, if you were my husband, Iwould drink it!

22-The Parking SpaceYou have to be old and very rich to dothat.

23-The Perfect PartnerMe!

24-The Sheep FarmerThat's one

25-The Space RaceDo you think the British are stupid? We'llgo at night

26-The Proud MotherJohn, take the dog by the narrative andextinguish it.

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