12
Share Your Story Underwriting ~ Opportunity Do you have an article or story to share? We are always looking for articles that inspire hope, help and comfort to the bereaved. Email us at: [email protected] Each month, the HOPELine is sent to 1,200 families throughout Central New York and the United States. If you would like to underwrite the cost of the HOPELine for a specific month, please contact Pat Kriesel at HOPE at 315-475- HOPE(4673). It costs $450 to underwrite the newsletter. Your donation will fund 100% of the expense of a newsletter for a month. You may include a special dedication to your loved one. Thank you for supporting the HOPELine! Celebrating 41 Years of HOPE Our goal, in this 41st year, is to expand our support, services and outreach to the bereaved with emphasis on helping grieving youth, and to financially solidify HOPE for decades to come. HOPELine DECEMBER 2019 Issue A monthly newsletter of HOPE FOR BEREAVED, a not-for-profit community organization providing hope, support and services for the bereaved. Please visit our website to view our video Celebrating 40 Years of HOPE! www.hopeforbereaved.com You can access so much information on our website: upcoming events, support groups, one on one counseling, purchase HOPE books, bricks for memorials at the Butterfly Garden of HOPE, read, print and share current and past editions of the HOPELine newsletter … and so much more! The purpose of this newsletter is to help those who have experienced the death of a loved one. Each month, we share information and ideas from bereaved people and professionals to help you through your grief journey. Please know you are not alone. HOPE is here to help you. To talk with a compassionate, caring professional, please call us today at 315-475-HOPE (4673). Our Feature Articles Page Taking the Pain out of Holiday Grief 1-2 Throw Someone a Rope 3-4 From the Executive Director 5-6 Love Mark 7-8 Helen’s Christmas Gift 9-10 HOPE Calendar 11 TAKING THE PAIN OUT OF HOLIDAY GRIEF-TEN WAYS By: Victor Parachin “My wife died 8 months ago. Now the holidays are coming. I don't know how I'm going to get through December.” … Damen, age 43 “Last spring my father died unexpectedly and now Christmas is approaching. How do I deal with this month?” … Carrie “The first Christmas after my son, Jeremy, died, I just wanted to sleep the season away.” … Nancy When someone we love dies, we miss them daily. But when the holidays arrive – Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa – we miss them more intensely. The three comments from a grieving husband, daughter and mother express concerns commons to the recently bereaved. Yet, steps can be taken to take some of the sting out of the holidays. Here are ten suggestions for managing grief through the holiday season. 1. Begin by trying to be a little more optimistic. Many who have traveled the path of bereavement bear witness to the truth that anticipation of the holiday is often worse than it really is. Remind yourself there are ways to make the holidays easier, less stressful and more satisfying. Rather than engage in negative thinking shift toward hope and optimism. 2. Lower your expectations. Grieving is emotionally and physically taxing. This is not the year to plan a 'perfect' holiday. Many have found that the first holiday after grief is a good time for a more low key celebration. Continued on Page 2

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Page 1: HOPELine - HOPE for bereaved | A journey from grief to HOPE · 11-12-2019  · the road than I am threw me a rope, a rope of hope that helped pull me to a better life, I’m where

Share Your Story

Underwriting ~ Opportunity

Do you have an article or story to share? We

are always looking for articles that inspire hope,

help and comfort to the bereaved. Email us

at: [email protected]

Each month, the HOPELine is sent to 1,200

families throughout Central New York and the

United States. If you would like to underwrite

the cost of the HOPELine for a specific month,

please contact Pat Kriesel at HOPE at 315-475-

HOPE(4673). It costs $450 to underwrite the

newsletter. Your donation will fund 100% of

the expense of a newsletter for a month. You

may include a special dedication to your loved

one.

Thank you for supporting the HOPELine!

Celebrating 41 Years of HOPE Our goal, in this 41st year, is to expand our support, services and outreach to the bereaved with

emphasis on helping grieving youth, and to financially solidify HOPE for decades to come.

HOPELine DECEMBER 2019 Issue

A monthly newsletter of HOPE FOR BEREAVED, a not-for-profit community organization

providing hope, support and services for the bereaved.

Please visit our website

to view our video

Celebrating 40

Years of HOPE! www.hopeforbereaved.com

You can access so much

information on our website:

upcoming events, support

groups, one on one

counseling, purchase HOPE

books, bricks for memorials at

the Butterfly Garden of

HOPE, read, print and share

current and past editions of

the HOPELine newsletter …

and so much more!

The purpose of this newsletter is to help those

who have experienced the death of a loved one.

Each month, we share information and ideas from

bereaved people and professionals to help you

through your grief journey. Please know you are

not alone. HOPE is here to help you. To talk

with a compassionate, caring professional, please

call us today at 315-475-HOPE (4673).

Our Feature Articles Page Taking the Pain out of Holiday Grief 1-2

Throw Someone a Rope 3-4

From the Executive Director 5-6

Love Mark 7-8

Helen’s Christmas Gift 9-10

HOPE Calendar 11

TAKING THE PAIN OUT OF HOLIDAY GRIEF-TEN WAYS By: Victor Parachin

“My wife died 8 months ago. Now the holidays are coming. I don't know how I'm going to get through December.” … Damen, age 43

“Last spring my father died unexpectedly and now Christmas is approaching. How do I deal with this month?” … Carrie

“The first Christmas after my son, Jeremy, died, I just wanted to sleep the season away.” … Nancy

When someone we love dies, we miss them daily. But when the holidays arrive – Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa – we miss them more intensely. The three comments from a grieving husband, daughter and mother express concerns commons to the recently bereaved.

Yet, steps can be taken to take some of the sting out of the holidays. Here are ten suggestions for managing grief through the holiday season.

1. Begin by trying to be a little more optimistic. Many who have traveled the path of bereavement bear witness to the truth that anticipation of the holiday is often worse than it really is. Remind yourself there are ways to make the holidays easier, less stressful and more satisfying. Rather than engage in negative thinking shift toward hope and optimism.

2. Lower your expectations. Grieving is emotionally and physically taxing. This is not the year to plan a 'perfect' holiday. Many have found that the first holiday after grief is a good time for a more low key celebration.

Continued on Page 2

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HOPELINE NEWSLETTER DECEMBER 2019 PAGE 2

TAKING THE PAIN OUT OF HOLIDAY GRIEF-TEN WAYS … Continued from Page 1

3. Plan with your family. Gather opinions from family members about the best way to celebrate. “Our family had a 'bereavement holiday meeting' and we decided to do the holiday pretty much the way we had always done,” says one widower. “Of course, another family holding a similar meeting might decide to change things up. When it comes to grief, each family should do what feels most comfortable to the majority,” he adds.

4. Enlist help. Don't try to do everything or even most of the preparations yourself. Let family, relatives and friends assist you with shopping, cooking, decorating and running errands.

5. Be a creative shopper. Often grievers find it difficult to be in a mall where others are festive, happy and excited. Consider ways around mall shopping such as making purchases online, ordering via catalogs, or shopping early in the day. Consider this woman's approach: “Gift shopping was really hard for me after my son's death. So I bought easy things like gift certificates and did that when the stores were least busy.”

6. Explore and express faith. The holidays reflect spiritual themes: love, generosity, togetherness, kindness, compassion, forgiveness. If you are active in your faith, participate in the many services offered during this time. If you haven't been active in a faith community, this is an ideal time to explore one.

7. Memorialize your loved one. Find a way to publicly acknowledge your loved one. You can light a candle, hang a stocking or ornament, say a special prayer, observe a moment of silence before a family meal or invite family members to share a favored memory of the deceased loved one. Remembering the person this way can be very meaningful for the living.

8. Help someone else. No matter how badly you may be feeling, do something for someone else who is in need. Here's what one family decided upon. “We had a family conference and decided to pool the money that each of us would have spent on gifts for our deceased brother. We used that money – and it was several hundred dollars – to buy a Target gift card and gave it to a struggling family in the neighborhood. Their delight in receiving that surprise gift offset a lot of our grief.”

9. Honor your intuitive wisdom. If something doesn't feel right, don't do it. If you just can't go to a party, don't go. If you aren't up to holding a large gathering, then scale it down. If you want to change the yearly tradition rather than doing it the same way, then change it. If decorating is just too much work this year, then don't do it or do less of it or have someone else do it for you. If you don't feel like doing all that baking, then just don't do it. Trust your feelings. Honor and act on them.

10. Take care of yourself physically. As you do this, you will be better prepared to deal with the holiday both physically and emotionally. Some ways of taking care of your physical self include:

Exercise. This will reduce your stress level, increase your sense of well being and strengthen your body.

Eat properly. Be cautious about eating too much rich, fattening holiday food and drinks.

Rest. Do your best to get the rest your body and mind needs. Pace yourself during the month.

Avoid using alcohol or prescription medication. These do not remove the pain they only delay dealing with it.

Editor’s Note: Thank you, Victor, for sharing your article with HOPELine.

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HOPELINE NEWSLETTER DECEMBER 2019 PAGE 3

Throw Someone a Rope of HOPE By: Rob Anderson

I’m the healing father I am today because of the

people I met yesterday, and the yesterday before that

and the yesterday before that, and on and on. Many

of those people jumped in and jumped out, leaving

me with fleeting bits of goodness. Others jumped in

a dark way, but I’m grateful for them too because of

the lessons I’ve learned by how I reacted to their

darkness. A few precious people stuck to me, embed-

ding themselves like a cherished memory. Many of

those who stuck to me are parents who have also had

children who died. We share a common bond because bereaved parents further down

the road than I am threw me a rope, a rope of hope that helped pull me to a better life,

I’m where I am today in my journey, a good place, a smiling place.

All those people in my life, the good and the bad, gave me a gift, the gift of their

time, the gift of their rope. Be it good times or bad times, it’s all been a gift. I never fully

understood the gift of time until our son, Brendon, was killed on March 16, 1998. And

even then it took a while to fully understand the gift of time. Time with him by my side

ended when the rope I threw him when he was born was severed. I was temporarily over-

run by the hard reality that physical time with our son had a finish line. I naively

thought it would be a never-ending journey.

As I slowly emerged from the downfall of my life, a clearer vision of the world be-

came evident; clearer vision of how to spend my time. I doubt I would have realized

how important time is if I hadn’t been thrown the rope of hope after Bren died. It took

me almost two years before I found the rope because I wasn’t searching for it. I wouldn’t

have been able to recognize it even if it had been thrown my way. I just wasn’t paying at-

tention. My suffering closed me off to the idea that my life could get better. I also closed

myself off to the idea that there were other bereaved parents who had walked the path

before me and would be willing to throw me the rope that had been thrown to them.

The rope that saved their lives.

“No one knows how I feel,” I said. “No one loves their child like I love Brendon, so

how can they know my pain.” Saying that is what kept me from finding the rope, or even

searching for it.

Eventually the burden became too much to endure and I began looking for the

rope. I began reading books on grief, paying attention to the many other parents who are

Continued on page 4

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HOPELINE NEWSLETTER DECEMBER 2019 PAGE 4

‘Throw Someone a Rope of HOPE’ Continued from Page 3

surviving their journey. They were trying to throw me the rope by telling their stories of

healing, by showing me the rope of hope was a good thing. I listened and became in-

formed, but I hadn’t yet grabbed the rope completely because there was a disconnect.

The disconnect was because their journeys were paper journeys of faceless words. Alt-

hough important and helpful, I didn’t connect completely to their experience. Once the

rope of hope was thrown to me face-to-face by another bereaved parent, I grabbed it,

clutching it fiercely. At that point because I could look into their eyes, feel their arms

around me, I felt somewhere deep inside of me that this journey was survivable. Some-

thing in me, because of that physical connection, said, “This rope of hope, this loving

gesture will pull me into a new life, a life of hope and possibilities.”

As I let their rope pull me along, I met other bereaved parents who also threw me

their rope; their rope of hope. Sounds silly doesn’t it, the “rope of hope?” But that’s

what it was, what it is and what it will always be, the rope of hope. I now carry that rope

with me wherever I go. I’ve never let go of it and I never will. I shudder to think where

I’d be today if that rope hadn’t been thrown my way and I grabbed hold.

For those of us who have moved down the road in our new lives and have experi-

enced healing, throw the rope to bereaved parents behind you who are adrift with little

hope. Let them know that their smiles can return and life can be good again. Don’t stop

throwing the rope, keep trying, keep encouraging. Don’t give up, just as those who threw

their rope to us didn’t give up. It will never be an easy life, but the more times we throw

the rope and it’s grabbed, the easier it can be for those who think their lives will never

have meaning again. It takes a long time and a lot of work to be able to throw a rope. In

the beginning we catch them; as we heal we throw them. Throw others the rope of hope

and give them the gift of your time. The rope can show them their life can eventually be

happy if they do their work. Even though they will forever grieve the deaths of their chil-

dren, it doesn’t mean they need to lead a grief-stricken life.

If you don’t know another bereaved parent, your rope of hope can be thrown in

many directions. There are many people in the world who are searching for a rope to

grab—a rope of hope. Many who are on the path of disease, child abuse, homelessness,

alcoholism, drug addiction, loneliness and physical or emotional challenges also need a

rope. Animals need help, the environment needs help. Use your rope in fundraising or

volunteering. Throw others a rope; give the gift of yourself, your time and your love.

Time on earth is finite; by throwing a rope of HOPE we can do infinite good.

Reprinted with permission from Grief Digest, Centering Corporation, Omaha, Nebraska, 402-553-1200.

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HOPELINE NEWSLETTER DECEMBER 2019 PAGE 5

It’s the beginning of the HOLIDAY SHOPPING season! Remember when you shop AMAZON use AMAZON SMILE and choose HOPE for Bereaved - the Amazon Smile Foundation donates back .05% of your purchase price on eligible products to HOPE! https://smile.amazon.com/

From the Executive Director

Therese S. Schoeneck

December 2019

Dear Friends:

This has been another busy year at HOPE for our 12 support groups, counseling, telephone helpline & grief programs. Our #1 priority always is to help the bereaved. However, we also must raise all the $$$ to provide our core services for the bereaved at no charge. HOPE does not receive annual funding from any source.

Donations in any amount are a tremendous help! Your contribution will help HOPE provide support for the bereaved and help them find HOPE.

Best wishes for love & warm memories. May you find some measure of peace & hope at this holiday season. We are here for you!

Love & Hugs, Therese

HOLIDAYTREE AT HOPE Come and see our lovely tree in

HOPE's meeting room. The tree has a message of comfort and HOPE. While at HOPE pick up gifts at our Holiday Sale or copies of HOPE’s book. All

proceeds to benefit HOPE’s programs & services.

$YEAR END TAX DEDUCTIONS$

Please consider making a YEAR

END CONTRIBUTION to HOPE.

Your donation will help HOPE

provide our services in 2020. If

you contribute to HOPE by

December 31 of this year, you may deduct the

amount on your 2019 tax return and thereby

reduce your taxable income.

TURN TO HOPE FOR HELP

COPING WITH THE HOLIDAYS

“Coping With The Holidays” will be the topic at all of HOPE’s support group meetings in December.

HOPE’s counselors are available for one-to-one counseling (appointments needed).

HOPE’s book, HOPE FOR BEREAVED: Understanding, Coping and Growing Through Grief, is a popular gift for those grieving the death of a loved one.*

Read the December issue of The HOPE Line. It features many inspiring stories as well as suggestions for coping.

Call HOPE’s helpline 315-475-HOPE (4673) Monday-Thursday from 9 a.m.-4:00 p.m Friday 9 a.m. to 1:30 pm.

Visit HOPE’s Center – Have a cup of coffee, enjoy our holiday Tree of HOPE, pick up a bear as a gift from HOPE, browse in HOPE’s library, and/or purchase HOPE’s books for adults and children.

To learn more about how HOPE can help, call 315-475-HOPE (4673) or go to www.hopeforbereaved.com.

To purchase HOPE’s book, stop by HOPE’s Center or mail your check to: HOPE FOR BEREAVED 4500 Onondaga Blvd. Syracuse, NY 13219

Credit cards accepted, Books are $19 each plus $4.00 postage and handling.

GIFT WRAPPERS NEEDED HOPE will again be wrapping gifts at

Destiny USA. Join your friends,

co-workers, support group members

or meet new friends when you lend a

hand for this very important

fundraiser. We will be wrapping

every day from November 29 thru

December 24th. Please sign up for one or more

sessions.

Call or email Walt Stein or Pat Kriesel

at HOPE to sign up.

Walt Stein: [email protected]

Pat Kriesel: [email protected]

Phone: 315-475-HOPE (4673)

We need 225 wrappers. On Christmas Eve we need

18 from 8:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.

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HOPELINE NEWSLETTER DECEMBER 2019 PAGE 6

We are now offering a new opportunity for you to support HOPE. In partnership with Central New York Community Foundation, HOPE has established a ‘HOPE FOR BEREAVED FUTURE FUND’. In order to establish this fund we needed a base donation of $10,000 which Chuck Amos of the Amos Foundation generously donated. Our goal is to insure the future of HOPE for the next 40 years and beyond.

Why is giving to HOPE’s Future Fund so important? The bereaved often share how helpful, even lifesaving, HOPE is:

“I was in so much pain that I wanted to take my life.”

“The Bereaved parent support group saved our marriage.”

“Our sons drug overdose brought unbearable pain. I don’t know how we would have gone on except for HOPE’s counseling and support group.”

“I was a 26 year old newlywed when my husband of 7 weeks died in a car accident. I was completely devastated having never felt this level of pain. HOPE became a lifeline for me.”

These reflections by the bereaved show the need for HOPE TODAY and in the FUTURE. Won’t you please Help HOPE to continue our mission to make a positive difference in the lives of the bereaved?

For Those 70 1/2 or Older

One special “Giving Opportunity” is to make a distribution of funds from your IRA or 401K directly to this fund without incurring income or estate taxes. For your gift to qualify as a ‘charitable’ rollover you must be age 70 ½ or older at the time of giving. The distribution must go directly from your IRA or 401K to HOPE’s fund with the Central New York Community Foundation and must be completed by December 31st of the taxable year. If you are interested in learning more about this “Giving Opportunity” we encourage to you to contact us.

Can You Imagine A Future without HOPE?

23rd Worldwide Candle Lighting Sunday, December 8th from 7 p.m.

Join The Compassionate Friends for the annual candle lighting in memory of all children who

have died “...that their light may always shine.” People around the world are invited to light a candle on Sunday, Dec. 8th at 7 p.m. As candles burn down in one time zone, they will be lit in the next, thus creating a virtual 24-hour remembrance of all children who have died too soon. Candles may be lit at home or you are welcome to attend the local ceremony held at 7:00 p.m. at May Memorial, 3800 E Genesee St. For more information call Helen O’Neill 315-458-7975.

World AIDS Day Each year on December 1st World AIDS Day commemorates the millions who have died of AIDS or are living with AIDS. It also raises awareness to AIDS and to efforts to find a cure.

If you are currently receiving our newsletter by mail and would like to discontinue receiving it or prefer to read our online version at hopeforbereaved.com email us at [email protected]

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HOPELINE NEWSLETTER DECEMBER 2019 PAGE 7

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HOPELINE NEWSLETTER DECEMBER 2019 PAGE 8

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HOPELINE NEWSLETTER DECEMBER 2019 PAGE 9

Helen’s Christmas Gift My wife, Helen, and Fred Astaire went way back. At least, it seemed that way to me. It started in the 1960’s, when Helen moved from Connecticut to Chicago to take a job as a dance instructor at the Fred Astaire Dance Studio in the Loop district.

Some twenty years later, Helen and I were in Paris when Fred Astaire died. We got the news on French television. Our language challenge was broken when a Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire movie was broadcast in tribute to the deceased dancer.

Now, nearly twenty years after Fred Astaire’s death, Helen was dead, too. She had been totally bedridden for the last four years of her life. During that time, we watched a lot of television movies. We watched Rogers and Astaire musicals whenever they were broadcast. We liked those movies; they always made us feel good.

Helen was an avid movie buff. She had to know who the players were, the year of release, the director, and all the details about a movie that only a film scholar could appreciate. To fill this need, I gave Helen a book that alphabetically listed all movies ever made and answered all the questions she could ever want to know. It was a Christmas gift, and I gave it to Helen just before she fell ill.

She loved that book and in a short time, she had it filled with bookmarks. She used it so much that the binding started to fail and some of the pages were beginning to fall out. When she became bedridden, she would ask me to look up information for her. For Helen, this book was a crucial part of her movie-watching life.

Helen is gone now and, for the first time in twenty-five years, I am facing my first Christmas without her. I didn’t decorate or put up a tree. I didn’t feel like it. The days between Thanksgiving and Christmas moved along swiftly. My time was taken up with doing things around the house and staying abreast of the football games, both collegiate and professional.

On December 23rd, I went to the store to get some things I needed. When I got there, every parking space was taken. I didn’t really want to go shopping even if I had found a parking spot. I didn’t want to face a crowd of holiday shoppers. I

Continued on Page 10

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HOPELINE NEWSLETTER DECEMBER 2019 PAGE 10

Helen’s Christmas Gift … Continued from Page 9

wasn’t up for that. I wanted to do something, but to turn around and go home again would have been to surrender to the Crusading Consumers of Christmas. An inspiration struck me. I would visit the library. I drove over there and the library parking lot assured me I would find no maddening horde of people there.

Just inside the door of the library building and before entering the library itself, there is a room where used books are on sale. In front of this room is a table for special bargains on books, CD’s, video cassettes and DVD’s. As I walked past that table, I couldn’t help but notice a thick, hard-cover book that looked new. It was right on top of the pile of bargains. It stood out like a beacon on a moonless night. It was a book of essays about great movies. I thought, “Helen would have loved this book.”

Curious, I picked up the book and opened it to the table of contents. The essays used the movie titles and were arranged alphabetically. As I went through the contents, I came to the title, “Swing Time.” Knowing it was a Rogers Astaire film, I immediately went to the page of that particular essay and stood there reading the three-and-a-half pages about this movie.

When I finished, I had a new appreciation for this movie and a great feeling about this book. I bought it and went straight home feeling like I had found a rare treasure, a lost gold mine.

For the rest of the afternoon, I read essays about my personal favorite movies. I also read about movies that I had never seen. Before closing the book for the day, I reread the essay about, “Swing Time.” Then I put the book down and thought how Helen would have loved it.

As I reflected, an unusual feeling came over me. This wonderful book about movies was Helen’s gift for me. That night, I went to sleep thinking Helen had said, “Merry Christmas” to me.

The next day was Sunday. It was Christmas Eve, and I was ready to watch football all day. I didn’t ignore the fact that it was Christmas Eve, but I wasn’t going to make a big deal of it either.

As I watched the games throughout the day, I would look at that book, flip through the pages, read some passages, and generally thank Helen for this wonderful gift. Between the day game and the evening game, I read the essay about “Swing Time” again. When the last game ended, I was ready for a good night’s sleep. I went to bed and turned on my fa-vorite movie channel. I fully expected to fall asleep to “It’s a Wonderful Life.” After all, it was Christmas Eve.

To my astonishment and amazement, the late movie for this particular evening was “Swing Time.” I was wide awake now, and feeling warm and fuzzy and good. I watched the entire movie. All the while, I couldn’t help but feel that Helen was watching over me. It was mystical; it was magical; it was miraculous. First the book and then the movie; it was an unforgettable Christmas package that could have come only from Helen. Merry Christmas!

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HOPELINE NEWSLETTER DECEMBER 2019 PAGE 11

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4500 Onondaga Blvd. Syracuse, NY 13219

Electronic Service Requested

Non-Profit Org. U.S. Postage

PAID Syracuse, NY

Permit NO. 713

December 2019

Can You Imagine A Future without HOPE? See page 6 for important information on the steps HOPE is taking to

ensure the future of HOPE for the next 40 years and beyond. For those 70 1/2 and older there is a special “Giving Opportunity”.

Coping with the Holidays

Monday, December 2nd, 6:30 to 8:00 PM

We invite you, your families and friends to join us for HOPE’s special program.

The evening will include guest panelists, time for questions, suggestions for handling the

holidays, helpful handouts, a memorial ceremony and lite refreshments.

The YOUTH SUPPORT GROUP will meet separately from 6:30 to 8:00 PM and

will include making an ornament in memory of their loved one.

The programs are free and open to the public. All are welcome!

HOPE Center, 4500 Onondaga Road, Syracuse, NY 315-475-HOPE (4673) www.hopeforbereaved.com

The family of Mary Purcell is holding a Christmas Bake Sale to benefit Hope for Bereaved on December 15th at Carol

Watson Greenhouse, 2980 Sentinel Heights, Lafayette. Please enjoy some sweets and support HOPE!