How to make a memorable wedding speech

WEDDING SPEECH COACH

2011

How to make a memorable wedding

speech The best gift you can give!

By Heidi Gorell Hay

W W W . F A C E B O O K . C O M / W E D D I N G S P E E C H

No copyright, share with anyone you like! www.facebook.com/weddingspeech

CONTENTS

Two Scenarios .................................................................................................................................................................... 3

Scenario one ................................................................................................................................................................... 3

Scenario two .................................................................................................................................................................. 3

Preparation ......................................................................................................................................................................... 4

Style of speech ............................................................................................................................................................... 4

Appropriate/inappropriate ..................................................................................................................................... 4

Writing the speech ........................................................................................................................................................... 5

Father-of-the-bride ..................................................................................................................................................... 5

Groom ............................................................................................................................................................................... 5

Best Man .......................................................................................................................................................................... 6

Bride .................................................................................................................................................................................. 6

Maid of Honour ............................................................................................................................................................. 6

Father-of-the-Groom .................................................................................................................................................. 6

Special Guests ................................................................................................................................................................ 6

Practice, practice, practice ............................................................................................................................................ 7

Voice .................................................................................................................................................................................. 7

Body Language .............................................................................................................................................................. 7

To rembemer, or not to remember ...................................................................................................................... 8

It’s Show time! ................................................................................................................................................................... 8

Don’t be drunk .............................................................................................................................................................. 8

Breathe ............................................................................................................................................................................. 9

Smile .................................................................................................................................................................................. 9

Make eye contact....................................................................................................................................................... 10

What else? ......................................................................................................................................................................... 10


TWO SCENARIOS

I hope that you’re reading this at least a few weeks before the big day, because you have a lot of work to do! There’s more to a great speech than just downloading something off the internet and reading it out (not that there’s anything wrong with that!) Imagine the following two scenarios:

SCENARIO ONE

It’s time for your speech. You take the microphone with a shaking hand, and start by apologising to the guests because you’re a bit nervous and not very good at speeches. You pull out the page you have written your speech on, and start speaking. You know that you’re probably talking a

bit fast, but are really keen to get this over with. Someone in the back yells out that they can’t hear you, so you try to speak louder. Halfway through, you decide that what you’ve prepared is not really expressing what you want to say and put the page away. You apologise again, and crack a joke. Everyone groans. You tell the bride and/or groom that you love them and it’s been a beautiful day, and finally hand the microphone back. “Thank god that’s over,” you think (and secretly so does everyone else).

SCENARIO TWO

It’s time for your speech. You feel calm and relaxed, and are excited to share your speech with the wedding guests. You smile, and look at the friendly faces around the room. You’re well prepared, and know exactly what you want to say. You have your notes in front of you to refer to, so that everything goes as planned. You shed a tear at the joy of the day, and others around you do the same. Your jokes go well, and a warm ripple of laughter runs through the crowd. Finally, you complete your toast, and everyone cheers. You’re confident that you have effectively communicated the thoughts and feelings you wanted to share. As you sit back down, other guests comment on what a beautiful speech you gave, and the bride and groom thank you. They couldn’t have asked for a better gift.

I’m writing this book to help you move away from scenario one, and closer to scenario two. On a selfish note, this is because I hate watching bad wedding speeches. I have a dream that one day all wedding speech makers will be confident to deliver heart-warming, funny, and memorable speeches, and that everyone will enjoy speech time at the reception!

I hope you share my dream, at least for the wedding you’re attending. To achieve this dream, the book you’re reading covers content, delivery, overcoming nerves, and conveying the message you want. We’ll talk about what is traditionally included in each speech (groom, bridesmaid, father-of-the-bride, etc), but more importantly, how to make your speech a unique and memorable gift. I hope this helps you, and I’m also here if you think your speech needs more work.


PREPARATION

Preparation is what you do before you actually start writing your speech. You need to consider who is watching your speech, including on DVD for years to come. This is your audience. Who else is making a speech? It’s always a good idea to chat to them so that you don’t all have the same content. Have you ever seen the final speaker say “Well, everyone else has already said everything I was going to…” Easy to avoid. Also, try carrying around a notebook with you to jot down ideas as they come to you, or write them into your Smartphone. This might a memory that pops up, or something that the bride or groom say during the planning. Watch a variety of speeches on YouTube to see what appeals to you. You are absolutely allowed to plagarise, so feel free to copy jokes you hear, or from movies or TV. The more time and effort you spend early on, the better.

STYLE OF SPEECH

How would you describe the style of speech you want to give? Will it be formal, emotional, funny? To help you decide, you need to think about the audience. If there are 300 extended family members, it may be best to keep your speech traditional. Alternatively, the wedding guests may be largely made up of your close friends. In this case, a very formal speech would be out of place, and you should be more casual. If you are a work colleague, or distant relative, a highly emotional speech would be over the top, but ok if you’re the best friend. Have a look at the section on “Writing your Speech” for details on specific content, but how you include this content is up to you. You may use this opportunity to tell the bride or groom how much they mean to you, and reflect on your relationship (especially if you are the bride or groom). Or your task may be to thank special guests, and those who have played in important part in the wedding. Do you have words of wisdom to impart? Only do this if you are a credible authority on a happy marriage, not if you are recently divorced or perpetually single. Whatever you do, make sure it’s appropriate.

APPROPRIATE/INAPPROPRIATE

Inappropriate speeches are hilarious in movies or TV weddings, but not so much in real life. Again, consider your audience. Will children or grandparents be present? Obviously, this is not the time to talk about past relationships, wild nights out, or family secrets. If you don’t approve of the marriage, pretend that you do for a few minutes. Don’t mention the possibility of the marriage not working out, asking the groom if he really made the right decision, or ''accidentally" referring to the bride by the grooms exes name.

I’ve come across some really inappropriate content, such as the best man who said “Congratulations to the new parents!” even though no one else knew the bride was pregnant. This father-of-the-bride speech was just awkward for everyone: 'I'm Jill's dad. I just want to say that I met David before Jill did because of my other daughter.' And he sat down. Sorry Jill.

A Best Man introduced himself at the start of his speech with “My name is David, and I’m an alcoholic.” He got a great laugh, but a guest later went up to him to say that was inappropriate. Be aware of any sensitivity to religion, ethnicity, or anything that could possibly be misconstrued. Remember, your audience will probably be drinking too. If you think that anything you include could possibly be a bit out of line, listen to that voice! It’s probably right. If in doubt, check with someone who knows most of the guests, such as a family member.


WRITING THE SPEECH

Why are you giving this speech, what’s the purpose? It’s not to be the entertainment, that’s the band or DJ’s job. The key requirements for each speaker are listed below. However, use this as a guide only. Your speech is a very rare chance to publicly express your thoughts and feelings about someone else. It’s even more rare to hear someone truly open themselves up emotionally in front of a crowd, so it means so much more if someone has the courage to do it. Don’t apologise if you get emotional, but don’t force or fake emotion either. If you can, try to avoid the ugly cry – brides, this means you!

When I got married, I planned to read a short poem about love. However, in all the crazy preparation before leaving home, bringing the poem was one thing I forgot. If you have something written down, consider someone else holding on to it for you. Here are some ideas of what else you can include:

Stories/anecdotes (remember, appropriate!)

A description of your relationship with the bride and/or groom

Words of wisdom about marriage

Best wishes

A message on behalf of someone else

A poem

A toast

Your speech should last around five minutes. Make sure you time this by actually delivering it. I worked with one father-of-the-bride, whose written speech was barely half a page. I added in more, and basically padded it out. I shouldn’t have, because he had so much non-verbal content, laughs and gestures, that it actually ended up far too long.

FATHER-OF-THE-BRIDE

Either the bride’s father or mother can speak, or whoever she feels raised her. This speech needs to thank all the guests for coming, and anyone who contributed to the cost of the wedding. As the bride’s father, it’s important to welcome your new son-in-law to the family. Compliment and praise the bride, she is your daughter. Finally, propose a toast to the bride and groom.

GROOM

An excellent way for the groom to start his speech is “on behalf of my wife and I…” This is sure to get a roar from the crowd! Remember to thank all the guests for sharing your special day, and for any gifts you have received. People like to be thanked! Thank both sets of parents for all they have done for you, especially in organizing the wedding. Compliment your new wife. Thank your best man. Thank and toast the bridesmaids.


BEST MAN

The best man has quite a lot of freedom with his speech, and should use it wisely! You comment on the bride and especially the groom, in whatever way you choose. Compliment the bridesmaids, they look beautiful. Read any messages/emails from those not present. This means that you actually have to have these prepared beforehand. Talk to the bride and grooms parents to make sure you don’t miss anything.

BRIDE

It’s not traditional for the bride to speak, but that’s no reason that you shouldn’t. After all, everyone has been watching you all day, you might as well say something! Because there is no tradition, the bride can say whatever she likes – and no one is going to disagree. It’s quite a humbling experience to have a room full of people whose sole purpose is to share your special day. You may like to acknowledge this, and thank the guests for their presence as well as presents. It’s a good idea to thank the bridesmaids and your parents for all they’ve done for you. And of course you could say something nice about your new husband. He’ll like that.

MAID OF HONOUR

The maid of honour has no specific duties. Your speech should include thanks, observations about the wedding and its preparation, and comments about the bride and groom. This speech can either be serious or casual.

FATHER-OF-THE-GROOM

It’s important for the father-of- the-groom to welcome the bride into his family as his new daughter-in-law. You can also acknowledge any guests that have travelled to be at the wedding. The usual thanks, and compliments on the bride and groom.

SPECIAL GUESTS

You may have been asked to make a speech as a special guest. The bride and groom probably have a reason for this. Find out from them what it is. Maybe you played a special role in their life, or have an important story to tell. Special guests are sometimes invited to thank someone else, such as the bride or grooms parents, or acknowledge others not able to make it to the wedding. Whatever your purpose is, make sure you stick to it.


PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE

Did you know that 93% of communication comes not from the words we use, but how we use them? It’s one thing to have a perfectly written speech, but a speech is a speech because it’s spoken. You haven’t written a letter for others to read themselves. You are presenting it.

Words on a page can have completely different meaning depending on what you do with them. Try this exercise (it’s not wedding related). Read the following out loud: “I never said he took the money.” Read it again with the emphasis on the first word, then the second word, and so on. Each time has a completely different meaning, depending on your emphasis. Sarcasm is also conveyed entirely with the voice, which is why sarcasm doesn’t come across in email or other written communication.

Think of any great movie scene, then read the actual script for that scene. Words are important, but far less so than expression, tone, pace, posture, and gestures. After all, the secret to great comedy is…timing.

I think this is the danger with buying pre-written speeches or templates. Because the meaning hasn’t come from you, you need to make sure that you are interpreting it correctly. You also need to make sure that you are saying what you really want to say.

VOICE

Do you like the sound of your voice on a tape recorder or video? Most people don’t. That’s why this is an excellent way to improve your speech. Record yourself and listen back. What works and what doesn’t? If you think you’re in trouble, you can Google voice exercise to practice. This can help with projecting your voice from the correct area of your throat and avoiding a nasal tone. These are the basics:

Use variety in your tone. You want neither a monotone, nor a sing-song voice.

Speak a little slower than normal.

Project your voice so that people can actually hear you. You don’t need to shout though.

Use silence. If you have said something funny or profound, pause for a second.

Breathe normally. Don’t wait until you run out of breath. If nervous, you might need to pay attention to this.

Speak clearly. If you tend to mumble, this will take practice.

Above all, speak naturally! If any of these feel uncomfortable, you will probably sound uncomfortable. This is exactly what we’re trying to avoid!

BODY LANGUAGE

I’m assuming that you want to appear confident and comfortable, so that’s the advice I’m going to give you. Picture a confident person. What do they look like? They stand up straight, with head high and shoulders back. Imagine a string attached to the very top of your head and stretching you out. Keep both feet flat on the floor, and pull your shoulders back and down. You now have perfect posture. It’s ok, you only have to hold it for a few minutes!


Watch yourself in a mirror while practicing your speech. What’s going on with your face? Do you look anxious or nervous? Release the tension in your face. Work on tightening each muscle group for a few seconds, then relaxing. Scrunch up your forehead, then release. Frown, then release. Do the same with your mouth, cheeks, and especially jaw. Your face will be relaxed, and this is how it should feel during your speech. Now you just need to remember to smile and make eye contact.

When giving your speech, you’ll probably either be holding a microphone, or standing behind a lectern. Remember this when practicing. If you talk with your hands a lot, you might feel a bit restricted, especially if you’re telling stories. Fortunately, this will prevent the big body language faux pas of crossing your arms.

TO REMBEMER, OR NOT TO REMEMBER

It’s in no way expected, but you can learn your speech off by heart. This will save you having to look down to read what you’ve written. Just make sure you don’t leave out anything you meant to include. And you don’t want to have concentrate so hard on remembering your lines that you forget everything else (e.g. breathe, smile, etc.). You can improvise, although this can be fraught with danger. If you plan to improvise, I suggest that you memorise the most important points that you absolutely don’t want to leave out. Have a few practice runs, to see how you go thinking on your feet.

I think the best idea is to know your speech well enough that you can alternate between glancing around the room and reading off the page. You’ll appear confident, genuine (not like you’re reading) and that the words are your own. The audience will feel connected to you, pay attention, and listen to what you’re saying. Ideally, learn the first couple of lines so that you can engage with the audience from the beginning by looking at them.

To do this, make sure that you finished writing the speech with enough time to practice it. Read through it enough times that you feel confident. Reading aloud can also help with this. While you’re practicing, also practice how you’re going to deliver it.

IT’S SHOW TIME!

You’ve put in the hard work, and know that your speech is going to know peoples socks off. Open, honest, and well thought out feelings always make an emotional impact. You’re at the wedding reception, having a good time, when the MC announces it’s time for the speeches. It’s show time! Here’s what you need to remember: don’t be drunk, breathe, smile, and make eye contact.

DON’T BE DRUNK

Search YouTube for drunken wedding speeches. Need I say more? If you find that one or two drinks will help you relax and give you a touch more confidence, that’s fine. But if you wouldn’t drive, you shouldn’t be making a speech. If you do, you’ll look like a bloody idiot!


BREATHE

How are you breathing as you’re reading this right now? You probably weren’t even aware of it,

but take note now. What pace are you breathing at? How deeply are you breathing? Are you

breathing up high into your chest, or lower down into your diaphragm? You want to continue

breathing normally even in times of anxiety, such as making a wedding speech.

Try this activity. Sit comfortably in a chair (or wherever you are). You need to be able to see a

clock, stop-watch etc. to count seconds. The clock on your computer can probably do this. You

are going to count your breaths for 30 seconds.

Here’s how:

1. Breath all the way out

2. Start the clock

3. Breath in

4. Breath out (1 count)

5. Continue breathing normally

6. Stop counting

What number did you have? Now do the same activity again, but aim to halve the number of

breaths taken in 30 seconds, by breathing long and slow. How do you feel? Ideally, you should

feel calm and relaxed. Now try it again, but aim to double your original number of breaths in 30

seconds. How do you feel now? Probably light-headed, but also anxious and unfocused. Which

state would you prefer to be in at speech time?

If you’re making the first speech, make sure you take a few slow breaths before you start. If

you’re not first, you’ll have plenty of warning for when you’re up. While listening to the other

speeches, slow your breathing.

SMILE

You know that you smile because you’re happy, but there’s also a lot of research to show that smiling in turn boosts your mood. Smiling actually makes you happy! If you remember to smile and breathe, you’ll be feeling a whole lot better. Write this in big letters at the top of your speech – SMILE and BREATHE.

A smile can of course be seen, but did you know that you can hear a smile? Try it. Ask a friend to say something to you, it doesn’t matter what. Close your eyes, and listen to them say the phrase both with and without smiling. Could you pick the difference? I bet you could. And so will the people listening to your speech. Call centre staff and receptionists are often trained to smile when answering the phone – and of course no one can see it. But they can hear it as warmth and friendliness in a disembodied voice. Those closest to you will see your smile, but the whole room will be able to hear it. And if you’re a bridesmaid, best man, groom, bride, father-of-the-bride or groom, you are generally expected to be happy. So please show it!


MAKE EYE CONTACT

When you speak to someone, where do you look? Over their head, the back wall, at the piece of paper in your hand? No? You look at them. When making your wedding speech, you are actually speaking to the bride and groom, your friends or family and all the other guests. Just like in a normal conversation.

Eye contact is a very important element of establishing rapport. It’s hard to connect with people when you’re not looking at them. Of course, it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to make eye contact with everyone, depending on where they are seated. But those sitting closest to the speech makers can tell that you’re not looking at them.

WHAT ELSE?

I hope that you are now feeling confident and prepared. If you think you need some help, email me at [email protected] or phone me on 0405 109 756. I can work with you to write the speech (after an interview to make sure it’s exactly what you want). You can email me a video of your speech, and I’ll coach you on how to improve it. Just let me know and we’ll decide on the best package. I’d also love to hear any feedback you have, or suggestions.

Good luck, and have fun!

Documents

How to make a memorable wedding speech