IF IT IS BROKEN, YOU STILL DONT FIX IT! HA HA

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    somethingstosharewithyou,maybeyouwillunderstandthis,itcouldhelpinyourownlives:

    thesenseofbeingfreecomesoftenfrominside.itisveryraretohavethatafffecteddrastically.insomecases,yes,freedomisseverelylimited,andevenyourmindseemstobetrayyouandhamperyoureffortstoseethesun.butintheordinarylivesofmanyofus,wehaveourchoices.wehavetoseewhatisreallythere.

    sometimespeoplelashoutwhentheyareinpain.sometimestheysaythingswhentheyarehurt,orfeelhopelessorconfused.sometimesitisnotevenaboutus.asiwritethis,ithinkofaspecificsituation,andseekunderstandingformyself..butihavetoalsoapplythistothepeopleinmyownlife.whenothersdothis,doimisunderstand?doifeelthatiamresponsible?doifeelguiltyorsohurtthateventhesmallesttracesofaffectionaregone?

    thishasbeendonetoallofusatdifferenttimes.andyoumaystruggletotellpeople,butitisntwhatyouthink.iamnotwhatyouarethinking.iamnotyourproblem,oryourburden,andidonttrytotakeyourlifeaway.notthereasonwhyigetlikethat.sometimeswhatisinsideisiswoundedandveryfragile,verysick,orveryempty.andwedontknowhowtohandleit.

    ifiseekforgivenessorcomfortorunderstandingformyself,ihavetoseekitforothers.thismustbeanimperativewithme.becausewhenithinkthatis

    whatiaminclinedtodo.iextendthethinkingtoothers."Wellmaybeitistrueforthem.maybethisishowothersfeel"evenififeelselfishinmyownpainorwhatever,andiholdontoit,anddontwanttoseeotherswhohavehurtmeinthesamewayiseemyself-mykindofthinkingdemandsthatiatleastrecognizethepossibilityhere.

    howijudgemyselforwanttobethoughtof-imustdoforothers-oratleastmaketheattempt.

    butfirstyourownpersonalpainneedstobetakencareof.Thatcanbeincendiaryandyoucannothearorseeotherswhenthishappens.theythinkyouaretheworstthingthateverhappenedtothemandyouarecryingorscreaminginside,butineverwantedthat.ijustwantedpeace.ijustwantedtobeforgiven.

    yourfeelingscanbeverycomplicated,andnothavemuchatalltodowiththesituationthatothersviewincorrectlyastheproblem

    longhistories-longstories-memories,feelings,wishes,brokenpieces,noteasytoexplainthatyoujustwanttohavethatpeace,thatfreedom,soyoucangrantotherstheirown.

    whenyouaredepressed,orbrokeninside,orlost,oryouhavebeenhurtinwaysyouneverimaginedyoucouldbe,youneedtobeallowedtherighttofeelthings.inprivate.byyourself.nojudgments,nocomments,nobodyfeelingguilty.peoplecantakeyourfeelingsandgivethemameaningtheywereneverintendedtohave.

    somebodycanbealikeastopgap,adamorabridge,allowingyoutoholdbackthefloods,allowingyoutocrossovertherapids.agift,apersonlikethis,agift.andyoumayfindyourselflovingthemmorethanyoucansay.orshow.youmayfindyourselfwishingyoucouldfeelmorethanyoueverthoughtyoursmallheartcouldcontain.

    butthenagain,whotoldyouyourheartwassosmall?didpeopleevermakeyoufeellikethat?thendonteverlisten.becausetheydontknowyou.ihavebeentoldthingslikethatforalonglongtime,andihavetoldmyselfthingslike

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    that,andihavetoldothersthatinmypain.sothatshitneedstostop.becausewhoreallyknowsusthatdeeply?noteventhemostsophisticatedamazingnanotechnologycanreachasoulorahigherlevelthatknowsnowords,nothoughts.

    peoplerevealthemselvesintheirwords,choices,actions.ofcoursetheydo.butthatcannotbetheendofyourbeing.thatmustonlybethesurface.onlypeopleseelikethis.theyhaveto,theyarehereonearth,andallofusonearthjustseesomuch.wecanonlyseesofar.

    ifyouhaveeverfeltlikedying,ifyouhaveeverfeltlikegivingup,lyingdown,neverwaking,dontfeelbadaboutthat.itmaybeahumanwaytofeel,notthebestway,butveryhumanattimes.keeptrying.keepthinkingyouarelikeasoldier,likeahero.becauseyoucanbeinyourownway.weallcanbe.

    haveyourfeelings,dwellinthem-abookionceread-DarkNightoftheSoul-byThomasMore-advisedustoalloweverything,tostaywitheverything,nomatterhowbad.dontpushthesefeelingsaway,dontbeashamedididntliketheadvice,butnowiseethevalue.

    butidontwantOTHERStobeashamed,topushthefeelingsormeaway,orsay,youareapain,youwantsomethingfromme.no.justtellthem,itisjustme.somanyfeelingsihave,somuchpainoranger,thatmaynotbeaboutyou.ifyoureallyknowthis,ifyoureallyarebeinghonest,thentheywillhavetolis

    ten

    whoamItotakepeople'sfreedomaway,theirchoices,theirlove?ifieverspeakillorboldlyorangrilyinthatrespect,ifieverstepontoesoroverboundaries,itisbecausesomethinghashappenedthatstillbothersmerelatedtothesituation.somethingmaybetherethatiseethattheycannotsee.orwillnot.andmaybewhatiseeisjustasvital,ifnotmoreso,justasimportant,asanyoneelse'swordsorvisionswilleverbe.

    ask,whydoyousaythings?whydoyougetangry?ifyouthinkyouhavetherightreasons,andyoucantellpeoplethem,thenpleasedoso

    youmightnotevergetbetter,butyouwillgetstronger.

    yourwordsneedtobeheard.somebodymightneedtohearthem.dontbeashamed.

    ifyouthinkyoucanmatterinthisworld,ortoanotherperson,thenshowtheworld.showthem.dontholdback

    youmaynotbetakingawaylovefromthemorfreedom.ratheryoumaybetryingtomakethemunderstandwhathasbeentakenfromyou.admittedlynotinthebestway.

    listen,youcanloveapersonallyouwant,somethingsdonteverchange.loveissubjective,lovecanbedeafdumbandblindaswell.butjustbecausethati

    strue,itdoesntwipeouttherealityofsomethings.itdoesntautomaticallywipeoutresponsibility,orwhatisrightandwhatiswrong.aslongastheyrespectthat.

    trueformetoo.

    lovecomesdisguisedasacrazyperson-areject-apersonnoonewantstohear.apersonnoonelikes.ifeellikei,Angela,havebeenthatperson,becauseilikewhatihavetosaysometimes.ilikethewayiseethings.sharp,butnotviciousunlessihavetobe.clear,butalsosentimentalenough,andguilty

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    enough,andvulnerableenough,tocloudmyclarity.

    ilikethatispeakmymind,ispeakitwell.myemotionaldistressandturmoil,haveoftenmademelashoutandbeunsparinginmychoiceofwords.butyouhavetoputthisinthecontextofanongoingveryunhealthystrangesituationthathasthepotentialtodevastateoratleastseriouslyconfoundonmanylevels.

    eitherway,irealizethiswouldbeangelofachild,wholongedtobeloveableandsweet,mayhaveasharptongueandasharpmindattimes,alongwithatemper,thatmaysaywhatneedstoberevealed.thatmayfinallybegettingheard

    ifieverwanttoleaveandrestinGod'sarmsforever-letme.ifieverfeeldarkanduglyandbrutal-letme.ifieverpushpeopleawayorgetawfulandcrabbywiththem-letme.ifeeltheawfuleffectsofcruelty-subtle,butalsoobvious-iseeitaroundme-howeventhebestpeople,themostnormalones-canbeblindandalmostheartless.andhereiam,tryingtodealwithmyowncruelty.myownheartlessness,myownblindness,myownlackofemotion.andsoitremainsallaround.lovecantbreakthrough,nothingseemstohelp.youfeeltheoverwhelmingneedforpower,control,overyourownlife,overcircumstances,overeverything,becauseyouknowwhatitfeelsliketohavevirtuallynone.andyoufeeltherage,thetotalenvelopingdarknessandblindness,actually,ofknowingyoucannothavethat.youwillnothavethat.anditbecomesallconsuming.onedefinitionofhell.

    Youstartoutoneway,andthenlookback.howdidthingsgetsobad?ohslowly.veryslowly.withintentionsthatwerenotatalldevious.whenpeoplespeaktoomuchnegativeaboutyou,tellthem,asIdid,speakthepositive.therewaspositive.thereisevennow.

    youjusthavetopayattentiontoit.

    ififeelistillhavelifeorhopeorvalue-iwillnotgiveuptryingtoletyouknoworsee.anyofyou.ithinkiambetterinsomeways,worseinothers.now.butthereinliesmygift.howdoishowit?howdoipolishitup?theworstmayevenbepartofthebestdowntheline.

    dontbelieveeverythingpeoplesay.ifyouneedtoknow,gotothesource.toa

    personwhodoesnotlieeasilyorwell.youwillgettheanswersyouneed.asktheonetheyareputtingdown.asktheonetheyarecallingnames.seewhattheyhavetosay.andthenknowyoudonthavetoknow.noonedoes.itistheirlifeandtheyneedtoliveitwithoutinterference.aslongasyouknow,youarefreetoaskornot

    iamproudernow,iholdmyheadup,strangelyenough.butiamalsomoreawareofmuchthatcanbeconsideredshameful.yetitwillnotkillme.notthat.ifigotomygrave,itwillnotbeforwhatotherscalledshameful.butiamveryawareofhumiliationthewayothersseeit,andseeme.

    veryfewthingscanredeemapersonwhoissobroken,orhasbeendamaged,ordraggedthroughaprocessofsorts.iknowofonlyafewthings.Godwilling,th

    eywillbemine.andmyredemptionwillbeathand

    first,though,hehastobewilling

    thanksforreadingthislonglongessay.ilikeitverymuch,wroteitoffthetopofmyheadbeforesigningoff.verysleepy,butimaynotbeabletosleep.

    iwillwritemoreinthefuture!

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