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Second opinion, pleaseA man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!”

The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

* * * * * * * * *Patient: Doctor, I sure hope I’m sick.

Doctor: Why in the world would you say that?

Patient: Because I’d hate to be well and feel like this!

* * * * * * * * *Golden opportunityEvery year on their wedding anniversary my boss, Woody, and his wife celebrated by stay-ing at the same resort hotel. On their 25th anniversary they booked their usual room. But when the hotel’s bell captain escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big sur-prise. “There must be some mistake,” Woody said. “This looks like the bridal suite.”

“It’s okay,” the bell captain reassured him. “If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn’t mean you have to dance.”

* * * * * * * * *Waste not, want notAfter a long and happy life, Angus MacDon-ald died. His widow called the local paper, requesting that a death notice be published. Ever frugal, she asked that the notice simply state, “Angus is dead.” The newspaper editor told her that death notices had to be a mini-mum of six words.

“Fine,” she replied. “Make it: ‘Angus is dead; Volvo for sale.’”

* * * * * * * * *

Priority treatmentA wholesale dealer who had a lot of trouble in getting a certain retailer to pay his bills finally lost patience and wrote the merchant a threatening letter.

He received the following reply: “Dear Sir, What do you mean by writing me a letter like that? Every month I place all my bills in a hat and then figure out how much money I have to pay on my accounts. Then I have my book-keeper draw as many bills out of the hat as I have money to pay. If you don’t like my way of doing business, I won’t even put your bills in the hat.”

* * * * * * * * *Question: What do you call an unemployed jester?

Answer: Nobody’s fool.

* * * * * * * * *Living the dreamI knew this guy years back, when we both worked for a large corporation. He had been there for years but he wasn’t happy – he wanted to go into business for himself. He saved his money and finally was able to quit and start his own business.

About two years later, I was on vacation and was going through the town where his business was located. I stopped by for a visit. “Hey John, I heard that the first year is the hardest for a new business.”

“Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but I’m doing great now. In fact, I’m getting to where I only have to work half a day.”

“Wow, that’s pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going into business for myself.”

“Yeah, and the best part is that it doesn’t matter which twelve hours you work.”

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Woody Allen

* * * * * * * * *Did you hear what happened to the butcher?

He backed into a meat slicer and got

a little behind in his work.

* * * * * * * * *Question: What do you call a short fortune-teller

who escapes from prison?

Answer: A small medium at large.

* * * * * * * * *True believerFirst thing – every single morning – one of the secretaries in our office opened the news-paper and read everyone’s horoscope aloud.

“Gwen,” said our boss finally, “You seem to be a normal, level-headed person. Do you really believe in astrology?”

“Of course not,” Gwen answered. “You know how skeptical we Capricorns are.”

* * * * * * * * *I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to

live like she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.

* * * * * * * * *Everyone is a genius at least once a year.

The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together.

G. C. Lichtenberg

* * * * * * * * *I worry that the person who thought up

Muzak may be thinking up something else.

Lily Tomin

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“My boyfriend is a personal trainer who takes diet very seriously. He told me, ‘You need to go on the Caveman Diet: protein

and fats. There were no fat cavemen.’ Yeah? What about Fred Flintstone?”

Maura Kennedy

* * * * * * * * *I believe that my decision to remain

unfit at the age of thirty-four will serve me well in the future, as I’ll never have to endure the hushed observation that

I’ve really let myself go.

Janeane Garofalo

* * * * * * * * *If you can’t be kind, at least

have the decency to be vague.

* * * * * * * * *“An escalator can never break; it can only

become stairs. You would never see an ‘Escalator temporarily out of order’ sign,

just ‘Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the inconvenience.’”

Mitch Hedberg

* * * * * * * * *I put instant coffee in the microwave and

almost went back in time.

Steven Wright

* * * * * * * * *

Game tied, 1-1I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in my tie. I can never make them come out looking good.

He asked, “Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?”

I replied, “It doesn’t matter if you Wind-sor knot, it’s how you play the game!

* * * * * * * * *Professional respectAs a veterinarian, I was called at home in the middle of the night by a woman in distress. She had swallowed her dog’s heart worm pill by mistake. I knew it wouldn’t harm her, but by law, I’m forbidden to give medical advice. “If your dog had swallowed your pill, then you’d call me,” I explained. “In this case, you really should consult with your own physician.”

“But it’s one in the morning!” she ex-claimed. “I can’t wake my doctor.”

* * * * * * * * *It’s a dog’s lifeA guy took his cross-eyed dog to the vet and asked, “Is there anything you can do for him?”

The vet picked the dog up and peered into his eyes. “I’m going to have to put him down,” the vet said finally.

“Just because he’s cross-eyed?” gasped the owner.

“No, because he’s heavy,” said the vet.

* * * * * * * * *Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher?

She couldn’t straighten her pupils out!

* * * * * * * * *Whenever my family leaves the house, our Shetland sheepdog’s animal instincts start to kick in. He runs circles around us and nips at our heels to keep us all together. Watching this display, my friend couldn’t resist: “You always herd the ones you love.”

* * * * * * * * *“I like dogs. I do. But they’re not that bright, really. Let’s examine the dog mind. Every time you come home, he thinks it’s amaz-ing. He can’t believe that you’ve accom-plished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. ‘He’s back again. It’s that guy! It’s that guy!’”

Jerry Seinfeld

* * * * * * * * *A barking dog never bites.

Well, at least not while it’s barking.

* * * * * * * * *I don’t have a lot of experience with

vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.

Dwight Schrute, The Office

* * * * * * * * *Question: How much did the pirate pay to

get his ears pierced? Answer: A buccaneer.

* * * * * * * * *Afterlife skillsA woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grand-mother. The psychic’s eyelids begin flutter-ing, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”

The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?”

“Yes granddaughter, it’s me.” “It’s really, really you, grandmother?”

the woman repeats. “Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter.” The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure

it’s you, grandmother?” “Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me.” The woman pauses a moment, “Grand-

mother, I have just one question for you.” “Anything, my child.” “Grandmother, when did you learn to

speak English?”

APRIL 2010

This job was printed on our Canon Color ImageRunner C3220.

I N S P I R A T I O N

Your mental attitude is the most dependable key to your personality.Your view of yourself will greatly influence how others perceive you. If you are a confident, cheerful, positive person, your co-workers, friends, and family will be attracted to your personality. If you are unhappy, negative, and always complaining about your situation, others will be repelled. Even when at times you don’t feel very happy, by forcing yourself to behave in a positive fashion, you will find that you soon feel genuinely upbeat, because your subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between an artificial emotion and the real thing. When you behave positively, you will positively influence everyone around you – including yourself.Napoleon Hill

Q u I c k T I P Simple alignment trickWhen you want to line up boxes, frames or other elements in a layout, the align tools are there to do the job with precision. But what if you want to align the contents of different frames — baselines of text, for example?

Here’s a quick and easy way to make sure such things are lined up ac-curately: Enlarge your view so that you can see the elements fairly closely. Now go grab a palette from anywhere on screen and move it over the elements you want to check. You can easily eye-ball their alignment to within a pixel.

QuarkXpress’s measurements pal-ette is ideal for horizontal alignment. In InDesign, the control palette will do the trick.

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