John's Garage

7/31/2019 John's Garage

1/22

A play for the garageby Samuel Kastin

Characters;

Tess. Maybe in her early thirties. Looks elusively young. The kind of bird thats never

really gotten off the ground. Charlie. At least in his mid thirties. Has a bad back. Wears a dirty Hawaiian shirt.


2/22

***************Note: 'A.' does not necessarily stand for Audience.

Scene: John's garage, lots of rubble and iron and empty beer bottles, concrete floor. Abit of a lair. A woman lounges on a dusty, dirty, flea bitten sofa. She is examining hertoe nails, holding he legs way up in the air. She decides that one of them is insufficientlypainted, so she covers it in yet more red nail polish. As she does so:Tess. (moving the brush); Sweep, sweep, sweep, you never stop sweeping. I shall neversweep again. I will sweep again. I don't wanna , I dunno.

Pause.(an odd lament, not quite sincere but not insincere, quite dreamy/stoned); Oh

darlin'.. Oh darlin', darlin', darlin' how I wish you were here with me. It's so lonesomehere all alone and the nights get darker around this time of the year. And there's bloodyfoxes prowling the streets now. If I were to be eaten by a fox I would want you to see it. Iknow how much you like blood. It would probably look very pretty with my bloodsparkling on its white little snout, licking its nose, looking at you gooey eyed.(to A.); Thefirst time he saw me I was bleeding from the forehead, it got in my hair and reflected inthe moon. He fainted, he said it was love at first sight... (to self); I shouldn't really betelling stories should I? (back); It's so so lonely and the place is a mess, and I'm a messand I wish you would come back and for once help to fix us up, but you're worlds away...(she sighs); Worlds away, on a train out of here.

She almost starts to cry.It's so lonely up here outside of the well... (leaning back); Why do you always

have to be so far away.From behind the couch;

Charlie. Christ'sakes Daffodil. Can't you leave a man be?Tess. (toA., sheepishly); He's behind the sofa.Charlie. Hell, I'm just here behind. I ain't worlds away am I. I ain't down at the bottomof a well.Tess. (getting up, minor hysteria) You may as well be down the bottom of a well mister.Charlie. Ah shit.


3/22

Tess. Don't you give me any of that sweet talk, you. You've been down there three days.Three days Charlie! (toA.); He's been down there three days. He won't let me look athim. (back).Charlie. Three hours. Three meager hours.Tess. Oh come on...

No answer.Tess. Charlie, I've painted my toenails red... (prolonged); Just the way you like them.Charlie. (desire struck, pained); What yer have t' tell me that fer? Stop it love.Tess. I want to see your face.Charlie. Why's everyone always wanting to see my damn face?Tess. (she twirls); I bet you've grown a beard. You know I like a beard.Charlie. Til it inflames her cheeks. Hell love, there's no soddin' beard. Leave me be.Tess. (toA.) I think he goes out when I'm sleeping.Charlie. So what if I do?Tess. Couldn't you say hello to me?Charlie. Don't see no reason to it.Tess. I need some company!Charlie. DON'T SEE NO REASON TO IT.Tess. I NEED SOME COMPANY!Charlie. Get a fuckin' dog!Tess. (toA.?); What's a dog? Oh... yeah I had a dog when I was young. It had the

brownest eyes. It taught me about love.Pause. A bottle top is heard to be removed from a beer bottle. We hearC.

drinking it hungrily. She goes to the sink and turns the tap but no water comes out.There's a metaphor in there somewhere.

Charlie. (heard this all before); What?


4/22

Tess. The taps. The bloomin' taps, yer turn 'em and naught comes out as you drink yerfill. There's a friggin metaphor in that.Charlie. Screw that.Tess. (toA); He can't appreciate the poetry of the everyday.Charlie. The moon's out and it's morning, what does that say? What's that metaphoring,eh?Tess. (looking at the ceiling); I love the moon. I was born under the moon. I wish I couldsee the moon.Charlie. See it dammit!Tess. I can't.Charlie. Get out!Tess. I can't.Charlie. If you go out, I'll get up.Tess. You know what I'm like.Charlie. (resigned); I know what you're like.Tess. When are you going to stick up the window?Charlie. When I get the time.

We hear more drinking.Tess. Fine.

Pause.All I wanted was a bit of domestic charm in the place. Something to get a bit of

light in. My whole life I've been living in the British slums. It's enough to make a womanweep, I tell you. Once you start you'll never stop.Charlie. Go fer a walk.Tess. I don't want a walk!Charlie. Yeesh. I'm trying to sleep.


5/22

Tess. Put up this soddin window mister.Charlie. Get bent.Tess. Oh yeah!? OK then, have it your way...

She huffily puts her arms to her side and goes over to a plastic carrier bag on thework table.

If you won't do it...She pulls out a piece of stained glass from the bag. She looks at it in the light.How hard can it be. I've seen people do this thing all the time... Haven't I?

(realisation); Oh.. no. Well, so what. How hard can it be.Charlie. (prophetically); Fuckin' 'ell.Tess. (toA.) How hard can it bloody be, eh.

She looks on the work bench.A nail, a nail, a nail.She picks up a nail.I don't like nails. They're bad luck.She tosses it over her left shoulder. It clatters.

Charlie. Oh come on. Stop it!Tess. I know.

She goes over to the ashtray.Somewhere in here.She fishes around the ashtray.Got yer.She pulls out some blutac.

Charlie. I'll do it dammit.


6/22

Tess. Don't you worry sunshine.She goes over to the glass and sticks the blutac on it.OK.

Charlie. Stop it.Tess. (what's he fussing about?); It's OK..

She goes to the wall bc and puts the glass against the wall, holding it there.OK, OK, here's the perfect spot. Back centre. There's nothing quite like a window

back centre. Don't you agree.Charlie. Leave it.Tess. Shush, I'm working.

She tries to stick it to the wall. It will not stick.The knee bone's connected to the thigh bone. Hmmm. Now what?C. rises.

Charlie. I said I'll do it!She, turning her gaze to his direction, stops holding the glass and it falls to the

floor.Tess. (unconvinced); Ouch.Charlie. (his head in hand); I'm a fool to get up. Why do I ever get up.Tess. (hand over mouth, surprised); You've got a beard... A dirty frothy beard... Withcigarette ash in it.Charlie. (news to him, he feels his face); No kidding.

Pause. Not untender.Tess. I think a bit of glass hit me. Got inside of me.Charlie. Where?Tess. I don't know.


7/22

Charlie. Well that's great.Tess. (looking at him, a child, a finger on her lip); I've been drinking and smokingCharlie.Charlie. Have you dear? ... Let's see the damage.Tess. (not following); What?Charlie. Let's see your leg.Tess. (regardingA., sorta laughing); Charlie.Charlie. Let's see where you got hit.Tess. (realising); Oh. OK, then.

He sits on the sofa, she puts her legs onto his knee.(lying her head back); Why can't we do this all the time?

Charlie. We just can't. We can't do anything all the time. You don't have glass in yourbody all the time.Tess. Wish we could.Charlie. (examining her leg); That's too bad, that's really too bad.Tess. (genuine); I think I may cry.Charlie. Don't do that.Tess. I want to.Charlie. Not now. Fuck it. Not yet.Tess. Just get swept up in the moment. You know what I mean?Charlie. Be still, OK.

Tess. Mother comes in/ Says she hasn't touched the gin/ That she had to choose me orhim/ And that she's chosen him.Charlie. That's lovely. You should write children's stories, you really should.Tess. Can I rub your beard?


8/22

Charlie. No. Read a book.Tess. Where's my bag?Charlie. There.Tess. Oh.

She half crawls retrieving her bag picking out of it a tattered paperback novel.Charlie. Hold still will you.

She flicks pages, getting to her book mark. She throws the bookmark to the floor.(reading from the book); 'There's a butcher on the loose, there's a butcher on the

loose, said the children, hand in hand, ringing a ring round the roses.'Charlie. You trying to give me nightmares?Tess. (foot in his face); Hush you.Charlie. I'm doing you a favour here dammit.Tess. Sure you are. ''es a rambling man say the locals. He rambled til the butchers shothim down they say. Old Maude reckons he hunts the plains looking for revenge roundhere. It was in this town where they gunned him down, head to the wall'... Oh dear...'Jack, behind the bar, he says his last words were, you mark my words I'll lust yourblood, I'll lust your pretty little blood under the harvest moon, you will all be spilled.And tonight, tonight was the night of the harvest moon and he would have his harvest ofblood and lust fulfilled.'Charlie. Got it.

He pulls out a shard of glass.Tess. Ow!

Pause.Heck Charlie.She pulls her legs from him.There you go smartguy.She sees the blood flowing down her leg.


9/22

Look what you've done. Brute. That stings.Charlie. (turning away, remorseful); There's more brutal guys than me... I'm practicallya goddamn fucking saint compared to most guys. I remember your old squeeze.Squeezed blood from a stone that fella.Tess. You got me bleedin'.Charlie. I'll kiss it better for yer then.Tess. You'd like that. (toA.); He'd bloody like that and all. (back); Get your filthy mitsaway from me butcher man.Charlie. Just a small kiss.Tess. You give me the creeps sometimes. After all these weeks you still give me thecreeps.Charlie. You can stroke my beard.Tess. Yeah?Charlie. You can bite it if yer want.Tess. Maybe.Charlie. Come on.Tess. If you're a good boy.Charlie. I am a good boy!

She goes to get herself a beer. She perches on the sink.(resigned); Now what am I supposed to do?

Tess. Watch the television.Charlie. The fucking television is fucking fucked!

Tess. Don't be such a slob.Charlie. It's just static.

As she drinks T. makes the sound of static.There's a metaphor in there, y'know.


10/22

Tess. (sputtering); Oye!Charlie. You're spilling that blood of yours all over the floor.Tess. You want me to cover up?

Pause.Charlie. No.Tess. The the phone rang earlier, I didn't answer in case it was one of your exes wantingtheir money back.Charlie. (aware ofA.); What d'yer have to say that for?Tess. (toA.); It's true, he owes them all.Charlie. You've gone loony.Tess. Woof, woof, woof, woofwoof,

He looks at her.Charlie. (mirroring his mood); They've got more of a growl actually, love.Tess. Good for you. Grrr.Charlie. (toA.); Still crazy after all these years.Tess. Hey!Charlie. Let's swap places. You take the couch. You lie down on the couch, why don'tyou.Tess. I don't want tuh. I don't like these games.

He gets up.Charlie. Well I'm up now.Tess. So?Charlie. So let's not upset the equilibrium. I'm moving over that side.Tess. Fine!


11/22

They cross. She jumps onto the sofa and crosses her arm. She swings her feetback and forth. She looks at him

Pause. He leans against the sink. He looks at her.Silence. Eventually;I know what you're trying to do.No response.I saiiidI know what you're trying to do.After a moment;

Charlie. What am I doing?Tess. (sits up); You're being a rotten bastard.Charlie. There's no cure.

He gets himself a can of beer from inside the sink.Charlie. (opening it); Happy Birthday love.Tess. Is it my birthday?Charlie. No.Tess. What? (slowly); Is it yours?Charlie. It was.Tess. Oh.Charlie. Yesterday.Tess. You should have said.Charlie. I'll have to tell mother that she didremember, I'll say she just doesn'tremember remembering.Tess. Aren't you too worthless to have a mother?Charlie. (not having listened properly); Ah, she's alright. She's not so bad. It may havebeen her on the telephone.


12/22

Tess. I'd rather the ex.Charlie. (taking a seat on the arm of the sofa); Don't be cruel to her. God knows I'vebeen hard enough.Tess. OK.

They drink in unison.(pulling the can down); Happy birthday.

Charlie. Don't talk that nonsense.Tess. (hurt); What?Charlie. You know I don't go for that crap.Tess. You started it.Charlie. I wasn't talking to you about it.Tess. You sure know how to make a girl feel guilty.Charlie. You girl's are too sensitive about the small things. Give a damn aboutsomething that matters for once.Tess. (feeling of being unduly attacked); Like what.Charlie. The bigger picture. Politics, society, I dunno, I don't fucking know. Hell, likehumanity. All you ever care about is... small things. Anniversary's.

Pause.Tess. (been thinking about it); Who cares about humanity?Charlie. What?Tess. I mean it. Who cares?Charlie. Tons o' people.Tess. Who?Charlie. This guy called Tom who I met in The Murder Of Crows cared a great deal. Hesaid he did.Tess. The man's a fool then.


13/22

Charlie. Made me care to for a while.Tess. Hunny, you're a fool too. It's true.Charlie. Yeah.Tess. Poor Tom, poor Charlie.Charlie. It's in the blood... My father used to amuse me as a child, falling off his chair atbreakfast, then I found it sad when I got older. Now it's funny and it's sad. Now that he'sdead.

He takes a drink.What a life, eh?

Tess. Hmmm.Charlie. It's enough to make you weep, it really is.Tess. You don't weep.Charlie. No. You do though, don't you, eh.Tess. Sometimes.Charlie. Did Joan of Arc ever weep?

Tess. Probably. (toA.); Every man has a thing for Joan of Arc, you ever noticed that?Charlie. She was a good sort, that one.Tess. Oh, why can't we just be angels together.Charlie. Because we can't doll, we just can't. (toA.); I don't wanna be a fuckin' angel.I'm very at home being junk.Tess. That's a bummer. Another bummer... Do you like my toenails?

He looks.

Charlie. Sure.Tess. I did them for you.Charlie. That's great. Why don't you go out? Show 'em off.


14/22

Tess. I did them for you.Charlie. You don't do anything just for me. Go out, work the crowds. Get the otherwomen bitchy and jealous.Tess. (toA.); He doesn't let me out.Charlie. (toA.); That's rubbish... I just don't let her out with me.Tess. I don't see the difference.Charlie. Don't be stupid.Tess. What's the difference?Charlie. You can go out whenever love... I've got my own things. You want to mess meup?Tess. No.Charlie. There you go.Tess. It's like we don't exist.Charlie. (toA.); It ain't like that.Tess. Talk to me Charlie.

Charlie. I can't talk to you.Tess. Yeah you can.Charlie. We exist. We exist here. That's our pact.Tess. I never made no pact.Charlie. That's the pact.Tess. (crossing her arms); Humph!Charlie. Let's shake on it.Tess. I ain't touching you any anymore.Charlie. Suit yourself.


15/22

He goes to the ashtray, he picks a stray joint, lights it and begins to smoke it.Charlie. You go your way and I'll go to the pub.Tess. Which one?Charlie. Any I can get a drink at nine in the morning. The Fforde Green.Tess. You find yourself there at 9a.m. and your truly lost buster.Charlie. That's where I'm heading.Tess. Can I come?Charlie. If you want.Tess. (excited); Yeah!?Charlie. If you go by yourself.Tess. Oh Charlie!Charlie. That's the pact.Tess. You just said the pact.Charlie. It's how we exist. You can sing to me at night but not out of here.Tess. Aww come on. Take me out!Charlie. Just go out!Tess. Sod you.Charlie. Sod you.Tess. Us two. Come on.Charlie. 'I knew a woman/ She became a wife/ These are the very word she used to

describe her life.' You want a bit of this.She goes over and picks the joint out of his hand.

Tess. What's that's got to do with it? (toA.) All he does is quote songs that I don't know.(back); Bastard.

She smokes.


16/22

(singing); Oh, through the highway/ down the byways/ well that's just my way/

of saying I love you/ I go a-walking after midnight/ looking for you.She burns her finger on the joint burning.Ow!She drops it.

Charlie. 'Is that all there is to a fire'.Tess. That's funny, is it?Charlie. Shall I kiss it better?Tess. You'd like that wouldn't you.

Pause. He shrugs. He looks through his jacket pocket for change.Half of that's mine.

Charlie. We ain't married.Tess. (toA.); His excuse for everything.Charlie. (toA.); I need a year in the woods, I really do.Tess. You go to the damn wild! You join the animals.Charlie. (spreading the money on the floor); I'm in the goddamn wild. A grey goddamnwild amidst the most disgusting fucking animals I've ever seen and I think all animalsare fucking disgusting.Tess. (meaning it); I want to go to the wilderness. A year in the woods.Charlie. There's no point if yer don't go by yourself.Tess. I'll go by myself.

Charlie. (looks at her); You?Tess. Yeah. (proud); Me.Charlie. (back to the money) That's just wonderful, it really is.

Pause.


17/22

Tess. (unaccusing); Charlie, my leg's really sore.Charlie. (not unconcerned); Have a drink. You want some brandy.

He holds out a hipflask.Tess. No.

He pulls it back.Well yeah, I want some! But it ain't proper.

Charlie. Love, it's the only thing I know.She takes the flask. She sits and takes a drink.Pause.She looks at him.

Tess. That's nice stuff.Charlie. The best he had.Tess. Where'd you get the money?Charlie. We ain't married.Tess. Just tell me.Charlie. Cheltenham. It was a horse with the same name as you. Seemed like luck.Tess. (charmed); Really.Charlie. Don't see why not.Tess. (reclining); A horse with the same name as you. It could be a poem.Charlie. Write it. Make a million.Tess. Oh don't be silly.Charlie. I'm short.Tess. OK. (thinking); A horse with the same name as you/ Seemed like luck/ I bet thelot/ The effing horse came last/ Broke it's leg/ Got shot by the vet/


18/22

Pause. She taps her finger on her knee in thought.

Tess. But it had some style/ It wasn't thick.Pause.

Charlie. (scratching head); I think that's nice.Tess. You reckon?Charlie. What would I know... Sure.Tess. Thanks.Charlie. You got fifty pence?Tess. I don't know.Charlie. Check your pockets.

She does.Tess. (no luck); Maybe in the bank.Charlie. (anguished); The bank.Tess. (in agreement); The bloody bank.

Charlie. I'll have to beg it. I'll work fifty pence worth sweeping the streets.Tess. (semi dismissive); You do that.Charlie. You've got to bust your back for fifty pence these days. People are all crooked.Tess. (going into herself); Mmm.Charlie. You break your back working or your break it bending over rubbing yourhands.

Tess. (sitting down); Don't you stop? Don't you ever stop.Charlie. (toA.); What's gotten into her?Tess. (knees pulled to her chin); You just go. Like that. Just leave.Charlie. Ah shit.


19/22

Tess. What?Charlie. There you again.Tess. I'm not doing anything.Charlie. You want to take you with me, is that it?Tess. I'm not doing anything.Charlie. I feel like I've been hit in the gut. Christ. (to A.); She fights dirty.Tess. I'm just sad OK!Charlie. Why can't yer be sad after I go out? Truly, why not?Tess. I try. I really try. It hits like a sledgehammer.Charlie. (toA.); Don't you believe it.Tess. That's what it's like you. It's hard to stand. What do you give a care for Charlie?Charlie. Don't tarnish me like that.Tess. No, just in case someone's listening.Charlie. (getting some kind of jacket); Every fucking morning.

Tess. (covering her eyes); Oh yeah, every fucking morning?Charlie. Yeah, every fucking morning.Tess. Screw you Charles.Charlie. Screw me.Tess. You got it.

Pause.Charlie. (resentful, after all these weeks...); I don't owe you a darn thing, love, I reallydon't.Tess. I've bled for you!

Pause.


20/22

Charlie. No. No you haven't. I never asked you too.Tess. (toA.); The man loves blood. (back); It flows everywhere he goes. A red Midastouch. (toA.); He's a bastard.Charlie. I faint at blood.Tess. I know.Charlie. It makes me go weak at the sole of my foot.Tess. Just like a little girl.Charlie. (consciously shifting conversation); You ever coughed up blood?Tess. (hands off his eyes); What? Don't change the subject mister.Charlie. It's disgusting.Tess. I've not.Charlie. I'm going out.

She gets up. She goes to him.Tess. (a hand upon him); Don't leave just yet, huh, hun.Charlie. I gotta get out.Tess. This moment? Why exactly now.Charlie. Now or never. Now or I'm trapped. When I'd visit my aunt as a child she'dmake me take off my shoes and she never gave them back until I'd done all the housework.Tess. Oh.

She touches his beard.

It's so greasy.

Charlie. It's only going to get greasier.Tess. Yeah? How?Charlie. I'll spill beer on it.


21/22


22/22

Charlie. I'm going. Why don't you go?Tess. You go.Charlie. See you later.

Neither move. Pause.Tess. See you later. (toA.); I guess he doesn't want to kiss my cut better. I guess I shalljust have to bleed to death all by myself instead of him sucking my blood. Oh my.

She slowly spins, like a ballerina in a tormented death scene, and then holds herstomach.Charlie. (putting on a tie, watching her breath); Well that's that then.

Neither move.End.

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John's Garage