Lifes Out Takes 6

8/13/2019 Lifes Out Takes 6

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It's Ninety Percent Mental

Life's Outtakes Year 6

By

Daris Howard52 Humorous And Inspirational Stories

SmashWords Edition

Copyright 2012by

Daris Hoard

Copying any part o! this boo"# ithout ritten permission# is

stri$tly prohibited%&or more in!ormation go to'publishinginspiration%$om

(ublishing Inspiration ))C
http://www.publishinginspiration.com/http://www.publishinginspiration.com/


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Table Of ontents

!" Practical #oke $one %wry

&" Te Mecanics Test

(" %ni)al %no)alies

*" % Tecnolo+y ,orld

-" % Little Bit Of Moti.ation

6" Misbea.in+ ,asin+ Macines

/" It's Ninety Percent Mental

0" Te I)1ortance Of Playin+ 2airly

3" Te Perfect Halloween Prank

!4" 51readin+ 5unsine

!!" It's Not O.er ntil Te ,istle Blows

!&" 7ey 8es1onsibilities

!(" Differences In $ratitude

!*" In Te Hot 5eat

!-" Te 8elationsi1

!6" Te Year I Li.ed rist)as

!/" Te Mysterious Broken ,aterer

!0" % 8elati.e Disaster

!3" Dealin+ ,it lass o)1laints

&4" 7eys Of rist)ases Past

&!" Te #oy Of Learnin+9

&&" Your Tou+est O11onent Is Yourself


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&(" Old Hickory : Te Board Of ;ducation

&*" $ettin+ 5tuck ,it Pinnin+ On % orsa+e

&-" % 5now Macine %nd %

*&" 5o)etin+ New= 5o)etin+ Bubbly

*(" 2reedo) ,e Take 2or $ranted

**" Best 2isin+ 51ots %re 7e1t 5ecret

*-" Tat 51a) I %)


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*6" Heart %ces Of Bein+ % Parent

*/" Te I)1erfect $ift

*0" 5isterly Lo.e

*3" Buyin+ Better 8as1berries

-4" Tat 8eally 5tinks

-!" How To $et Out Of Band lass

-&" O Deer

Dear *eader#

(eople o!ten as" me i! my stories are true% +hough I must admit that I tend to ta"e a bit o!literary li$ense in my riting# ea$h story is based on an a$tual e,ent% Sometimes the strangerstories are the ones that are stret$hed the least% As people o!ten say# truth is stranger than !i$tion%I also ant to note that some o! the names ha,e been $hanged to prote$t the anonymity o! theindi,iduals%Daris Hoard


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Practical #okes $one %wry

A group o! us young men ere gathered around ,isiting hen e heard a horn hon" long andloud outside% Shortly a!terard# a $ouple o! young ladies that or"ed ith us entered thebuilding and sa us standing there% Immediately# -o bore don on us li"e a mini train# and e$ould tell by the determination in her step that she meant business% E,eryone mo,ed aside to let her pass# ea$h hoping he asn.t the ob/e$t o! her resol,e% Shemar$hed straight toard rian# and# as she $losed in# he tried to retreat% ut he didn.t rea$t !astenough# and she grabbed him ith both hands# holding !ast to his lapel so he $ouldn.t get aay%+hough she asn.t ,ery big# in her anger she nearly pi$"ed him o!! o! the ground% So you thin" that it is really !unny# do you3 she blurted out angrily# her !orehead $hin le,elith him% We all "ne that rian as a pra$ti$al /o"er# and I as sure that this had something to do

ith one o! his pran"s% What are you tal"ing about3 rian as"ed# his ,oi$e 4ui,ering slightly# indi$ating hisner,ousness at her a$$usations% h# don.t you play inno$ent ith me63 -o groled at him% I "no ,ery ell that you did it#and I ought to pound you to a pulp%3 -%D% nudged me in the ribs% +en to one she $ould do it#3 he hispered% y no# the only 4uestion on my mind as hat rian had done% ut I asn.t the only one#3 rian $omplained% +ell me ho the others are# and I ill troun$e them# too#3 -o yelled at him% &i,e to one she $an do that# too#3 -%D% hispered% E,en though e ere all ner,ous about $rossing -o# $uriosity !inally got the better o! one

young man# and he as"ed hat had been done% -o let go o! rian ith a sho,e that nearly sent him to the !loor% She turned to !a$e us% +hismoron and his $ohorts de$ided to ire our $ar bra"es to the horn so that e,ery time e pressthem# our horn hon"s%3 I loo"ed around our group and $ould see that e,eryone as trying not to smile% I e,en$o,ered a !a"e yan to hide mine% -o didn.t miss our amusement% 7ou all thin" it.s !unny# huhWell# the Hell.s Angels bi"ers that e pulled up behind at a stop light didn.t6 It as all I $oulddo to tal" us out o! that situation%3 She turned ba$" to rian% 7ou !i8 it no63 ut I.m in a suit#3 rian $omplained% I $ouldn.t $are less i! you ere in a edding tu8#3 -o retorted% 7ou !i8 it no and I /ust

might let you li,e63 rian didn.t dare say no# so e all mar$hed outside% He too" o!! his suit $oat and slid underthe $ar% Soon he announ$ed it as !i8ed% -o slipped into the dri,er.s seat and $he$"ed it out% Shehit the horn and it or"ed% She hit the bra"e# and although I thought I heard a small pop# no hornsounded% As rian pulled himsel! out !rom under the $ar and stood up# -o as there to meet him% I!you e,er so mu$h as tou$h our $ar again# you ill ish you ere ne,er born63 With that# shestomped ba$" inside% ut the grin on rian.s !a$e told us something as up%


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I didn.t see you pull the ire out or anything#3 -%D% said% I /ust $onne$ted it to the lat$h that opens her trun"%3 rian ansered What i! someone gets hurt !rom that3 -%D% as"ed% rian laughed% Ho $ould anyone get hurt !rom a trun" popping open3 -%D% smir"ed% +en to one says you ill hen she !inds out%3

And rian dis$onne$ted it%


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Te Mecanics Test

9r% -ohns !inished passing out the e8ams and turned to !a$e the $lass% :entlemen# you illsee that your s$ores are ,ery disappointing% I e8pe$ted mu$h better !rom you than this%3

Da,id raised his hand# and a!ter 9r% -ohns $alled on him# he spo"e the !eelings o! all thestudents% ut e sho e "no ho to do the me$hani$s% We ha,e rebuilt $ars nearly !rom theground up% Demonstrating that understanding is hat really should matter%3 It as ob,ious that 9r% -ohns didn.t agree% He spo"e !or$e!ully to him% I !eel a person onlyreally "nos something i! he $an e8plain it% ;ntil you $an e8plain things on an e8am# you are notreally me$hani$s# /ust ba$"yard tin"erers%3 He then turned to the hole $lass% I am going on a ,a$ation this ee"end# but you#:entlemen# are going to spend your time preparing to sho me you are more than ba$"yardtin"erers% I am going to gi,e you a reta"e%3 E,eryone groaned# but 9r% -ohns made it $lear it as not up !or dis$ussion% y &riday# thetest as ready# and he too" his !amily out o! ton to ,isit relati,es% Sunday e,ening hen they

$ame home# as he pulled into his dri,eay# his young son yelled# Dad# the


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I ould suggest you ha,e them ta"e it apart and rebuild it on the ground% And I ould do itsoon# be!ore I ha,e to gi,e you a par"ing ti$"et%3 A par"ing ti$"et3 It is de!initely par"ed in a no par"ing =one%3 And# so# on 9onday# the me$hani$s test $hanged to a demonstration o! ho ell they $ould

ta"e apart a


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%ni)al %no)alies

9y $hildren anted a puppy% I "ne ho ould be responsible !or ta"ing $are o! it# so I asrelu$tant to get one% ut a!ter they had begged and pleaded !or some time# I !inally ga,e in%

We named the huge bundle o! !ur uster% He as a strange dog# ne,er 4uite understandingthe normal boundaries that nature set up# and he immediately tried to ma"e !riends ith our $at%She had /ust had "ittens# and# at !irst# hissed threateningly% ut hen she reali=ed he meant noharm# she a$$epted him into her !amily% He ould $url up beside them# and the $at and her"ittens ould all lay arm and $o=y by his side% It be$ame ob,ious to me ho mu$h he had been ta"en into her !amily on the !irst bath day%When the mother $at had !inished li$"ing ea$h o! her "ittens# she turned to uster !or his bath%E,en though he as three times her si=e# she started the arduous tas" o! $leaning him% Heindi$ated his displeasure# so she ga,e him a si!t sat ith her pa# and he relu$tantly settleddon and endured it% As he gre# more bat$hes o! "ittens $ame along# and uster be$ame more prote$ti,e o! ea$h

one% He gre to roughly the si=e o! a small horse# and any stray dogs that tried to $hase the"ittens 4ui$"ly learned the error o! their ays% At times he !a$ed don as many as three at atime% And ea$h night# the mother $at and her "ittens $limbed on top o! him and snuggled doninto his !ur to sleep%

&or my part# I at$hed this ith great interest# but I as determined I ould not be$omeatta$hed to him% 9ore than on$e I had gron to lo,e a dog only to lose him% ut one day# despiteall o! my e!!orts# he did something that ended my resol,e%

I "ne uster thought the $ats ere his !amily# but I hadn.t reali=ed ho mu$h he as parto! ours% We had a llama that gre ,i$iously territorial% +hough he had learned that it as not asmart thing to atta$" me# he had no !ear o! the others% +hat parti$ular day he bro"e don the!en$e# and hen my i!e ent to hang out laundry# he atta$"ed% uster !ought ba$" and as able

to "eep the llama aay !rom her until my son $ould /oin in and help dri,e the llama !rom theyard%

When I !ound out hat had happened# I did to things% I put an ad in the paper !or a !reellama# and I bought uster the biggest# /ui$iest dog bone I $ould !ind% &rom then on he as as mu$h my dog as anyone.s% I too" him ith me to do $hores# to !i8!en$e# to or" in the garden# or one o! a thousand other things% When he sa anyone $ome out o!the house dressed in a sim suit# he as the !irst one to the gate aiting to go simming in ourpond% He also lo,ed $amping# and en/oyed sitting by the $amp!ire as someone lo,ingly stro"edhis big head% ut then $ame the days I dreaded% We !irst noti$ed that he as al"ing as though he hadarthritis% As the months ent on# he be$ame more and more miserable until he $ould hardly al"

at all% +hough e tenderly $ared !or him# it as hat the $ats did that interested me the most%+hey seemed to "no he asn.t ell# and they hunted don mi$e and laid them at his !eet tryingto help him get better% +he day he died# I "ne be!ore I e,en le!t the house% +he $ats ere s$rat$hing !uriously atour door% I had no sooner stepped outside than they ere sarming around my legs trying tomo,e me in his dire$tion% With my $hildren gathered around# I buried him and put a mar"er o,er his gra,e% 9yyoungest daughter !ell into my arms sobbing% He as a good dog%3


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7es#3 I ansered# he as a good dog%3 And as !or me# he taught me that hen I ,ie others as di!!erent !rom mysel!# anyboundaries on our !riendships are only sel! imposed% I also learned that e,en i! it is hard to saygoodbye# it is still better to ha,e lo,ed anyay%


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% Tecnolo+y ,orld

I had been grading papers all day# and I as e8hausted% As the or" day ended and I le!t my

o!!i$e# it !elt good to step out into the !resh air% I de$ided to ta"e a longer route to the par"ing lotto see i! I $ould $lear the $obebs !rom my head% As I turned the last $orner# about 100 yards !rom here I as par"ed# I /oined a $ouple o!young men ho ere $oming !rom the loer part o! $ampus% +heir $lothes ere rough and theirappearan$e un"empt% +hey loo"ed tired%I smiled at them% :ood e,ening# gentlemen%3 +heir rea$tion startled me% +hey seemedstunned that I ould spea" to them% +hey stopped al"ing and stared at me as i! I ere somealien $reature%

Were you spea"ing to us3 one o! them as"ed in a ri$h southern a$$ent% 7es#3 I replied# as e all turned and started al"ing again toard the par"ing lot% 7oura$$ent tells me you are not !rom here% Where are you !rom3

+hey said they ere !rom the southeast% +hey didn.t seem to be students at our uni,ersity# soI in4uired as to the reason they ere ,isiting our $ampus% We are graduate students at another uni,ersity# and e are here doing some resear$h ithregard to the dissertation e are /ointly or"ing on#3 one o! them ansered% I ondered hat "ind o! resear$h they $ould be doing here% We ha,e no graduate programs#and e are not a resear$h institution% When I as"ed them more about it# they seemed relu$tant tosay more# other than to tell me that their degrees ere in psy$hology% As e $ontinued al"ing together# e ,isited about their uni,ersity and about ours% +heyhad 4uestions !or me# and I en/oyed learning about them% As e approa$hed the par"ing lot# and turned to go our di!!erent ays# one o! them stoppedme% e!ore you go# e ha,e something !or you%3 He slung the pa$" !rom his ba$" and pulled out a giant $andy bar% Here# this is !or you%3 I laughed% What !or3 Well# it has to do ith our resear$h%3 +hey then pro$eeded to tell me that the $hairman o! their resear$h $ommittee had said thatte$hnology is destroying good human intera$tion% He said that hen he as younger# a person$ouldn.t al" a$ross a $ollege $ampus ithout someone at least saying hello to him% He $laimedthat e,eryhere a person ent# they $ould !ind someone ho ould ant to dis$uss politi$s#go,ernment# or orld a!!airs% He de$lared# ?o e,eryone $ommuni$ates through te8ts# i! they$ommuni$ate at all# and they are so lo$"ed into their laptops# musi$ players# and otherte$hnology# that they don.t e,en ha,e intelligent $on,ersations anymore%3 +hese young men# !or their dissertation# had set out to $hallenge that assumption# going !rom$ampus to $ampus a$ross the ;nited States% +hey obser,ed and at$hed% +hey ould smile atpeople and see i! anyone ould tal" to them ithout them tal"ing !irst% +hey said they had sa,edour uni,ersity !or last be$ause the se$retary o! their department as one o! our alumni and hadtold them that i! they had no su$$ess anyhere else# they ould ha,e su$$ess here% He held the $andy bar out again% e!ore e le!t our on uni,ersity# e bought a single$andy bar to gi,e to the !irst person# anyhere# that ,isited ith us% In all o! our tra,els#in$luding al"ing all day a$ross your $ampus# no one else has tal"ed to us% We had !inally gi,enup# $on$luding that no one ould# and ere ta"ing the $andy bar ba$" home ith us% ut noit.s yours%3


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I than"ed him and a$$epted his gi!t% As e parted $ompany# I pondered on their thesis% Imade a determination that I ould ne,er let opportunities to ,isit ith others pass by%

E,en i! there isn.t a $andy bar in,ol,ed# the $ommuni$ation is a reard in itsel!%


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% Little Bit Of Moti.ation

Arden stormed into the house and dropped into a $hair# tired and dis$ouraged% His i!e#

*a$hel# brought him a $old drin" o! ater% Ho.s the har,est going# Dear3 He shoo" his head%?ot ell% With all o! the men gone o!! to !ight Hitler# getting the beets topped and o!! to mar"et seems impossible% I thought it as an anser to my prayershen they de$ided to let the s$hools out !or har,est so the boys $ould help% ut they ha,e nomoti,ation to or"%3Can.t the s$hool o!!i$ials do something3 *a$hel as"ed% +hey /ust transport them here onthe busses% +hey $an.t ma"e them or"% I.,e tried e,erything I $an thin" o! to get them to mo,e!aster > $oer$ion# pep tal"s# and e,en bribery%3 -oy$e# Arden.s eighteen>year>old daughter# al"ed in and heard the last o! the $on,ersation%She as"ed her !ather some 4uestions# and he again e8pressed his !rustration% I! your brothers ere home# instead o! o!! to the ar# e ould ha,e had the har,est in by

no%3 Well# they.re not#3 -oy$e said# so i! e ha,e to# you and I ill do it by oursel,es%3 I don.t "no# -oy$e#3 Arden replied% Ha,ing you or" ith all those boys is not good%+hey ill tease you mer$ilessly% I ill /ust tell the s$hool o!!i$ials not to bring them ba$"tomorro# and e $an start then%3 -oy$e $omplained that it ould be another day lost# and the e,ening air as already !eelingli"e inter as $losing in% esides#3 she added# I.m not a!raid o! their teasing%3 Arden relu$tantly agreed# and the to o! them made their ay to the !ield% -oy$e ignored theboys. laughter and their rude /o"es as she approa$hed%

While her !ather started up the e4uipment# -oy$e began topping beats and tossing them intothe ro to be loaded into the tru$"% She or"ed !uriously# ignoring the $omments o! the boys%+he boys also ent ba$" to or"# but didn.t appear to be in any hurry% Soon she had mo,ed !arahead o! them and as or"ing 4ui$"ly don her ro%

ne o! the boys noti$ed# and he spo"e to the others% +hey loo"ed at her progress# ha,ingdone more than all o! them put together# and suddenly e,erything $hanged% +hey ere not aboutto be beat by a girl% +he topped beets started !lying into the ros% In turn# that made it possible toload the tru$" 4ui$"ly% It asn.t long until the tru$" as !ull and heading o!! o! the !ield# and another as mo,inginto its pla$e% +he boys eren.t laughing no% +hey ere or"ing hard and !ast% She or"ed!ast# too# and the tru$"s ere !illed at a tremendous pa$e% +he biggest problem as getting them unloaded and ba$" !ast enough to "eep e,eryonebusy% At times# hen no tru$" as a,ailable# -oy$e too" a brea" and dran" some ater% Sheould ma"e sure the boys had some as ell% When a tru$" returned# she immediately ent ba$" to or"% +he boys /oined her# none o!them anting to !all behind and ha,e her beat them% n$e she glan$ed o,er at her !ather as heor"ed to "eep the tru$"s rolling# and he smiled at her% Within only a !e days# their $rop as har,ested# and the last tru$" as on its ay% AsArden ,isited ith the s$hool o!!i$ials# one o! the boys $ame o,er to -oy$e% I! I am e,er in a tight spot and need a partner to or" ith# I ant you on my team%3 +he other boys laughed# and then they all headed to the bus% As they dro,e aay# they alla,ed to her%


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Arden put his arm around her% I guess you !ound the one thing that $ould get them toor"%3 What.s that3 she as"ed% 7ou $hallenged their pride%3


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Misbea.in+ ,asin+ Macines

Some years ago I or"ed part time doing maintenan$e or" !or multiple apartment$omple8es here $ollege students li,ed% Sometimes the apartment mangers and I ould share

interesting e8perien$es ith ea$h other% Here is one that as set o! emails% +he real names ha,ebeen repla$ed%$irl?Dear Apartment 9anager# +he ashing ma$hines here are horrible% Someone needs to getthem !i8ed%Mana+er?I@m sorry% I didn@t "no there as any problem% I ill put in a or" order !or ourmaintenan$e man to !i8 them%(A couple of days later.)

Mana+er?ur maintenan$e man said he $ouldn@t !ind any problems ith the ashers% He as"edme to see i! you $ould gi,e some spe$i!i$s as to hat is rong ith them%$irl?+he stupid things "eep shrin"ing all o! my !a,orite /eans%Mana+er?Are you sure it is the ashing ma$hines that are doing it

$irl?Well# duh% What else $ould it be +hey don@t shrin" /ust earing them%Mana+er?I don@t see ho our ashing ma$hines $ould be the $ause o! your /eans shrin"ing%$irl?What else $ould it be I ore them hen I li,ed at home# and the ashing ma$hines therene,er shrun" them%Mana+er?Would you mind e8plaining ho you thin" the ma$hines are hat is doing this$irl?I thin" it is the ater they use%Mana+er?It is /ust normal ater% In !a$t# e ha,e a !ilter system and a ater so!tener% It shouldbe the best ater there is !or ashing $lothes% Are you using the right temperatures and $y$les$irl?! $ourse% I do e,erything /ust li"e my mom did at home%Mana+er?Are you using the same detergent$irl?7es% I ouldn@t use anything else but hat my mom uses%

Mana+er?I /ust $an@t !igure out hat e $ould do to $hange our ashers so they don@t shrin"your /eans% Are you positi,e there $ouldn@t be another e8planation$irl?Are you insinuating I@m stupid Well# I@m not%Mana+er??o# I asn@t% I didn@t mean to o!!end you% I as /ust ondering i! there might be someother e8planation% +his is the !irst $omplaint I ha,e had about it%$irl?Well# I $an tell you that my roommates ha,e the same problem# so it@s not /ust me% It@sprobably /ust that nobody else ants to ma"e a,es# so they aren@t illing to $omplain%Mana+er?I! you don@t mind# maybe you $ould tal" to your roommates and see i! any o! themha,e an idea about hat is $ausing the problem so e $an get this all !igured out%(A couple of days later.)

$irl?I ant you to "no that e !igured out the problem ith my /eans# so you $an !orget about

it%Mana+er?Can you tell me hat you !ound out$irl?I@ll /ust say that I no longer blame you# so you don@t ha,e to orry about it anymore%Mana+er?Would you mind telling me hy$irl?It@s all o"ay% 9y roommates and I !igured out the problem# so than"s !or your help%Mana+er?I appre$iate that# but I really "ind o! need to "no hat too" $are o! the problem%$irl?It@s "ind o! simple little thing% 7ou $an /ust !orget I e,er rote%Mana+er?I@m glad e,erything is or"ing !or you no# and I appre$iate the !a$t that you are not


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upset ith us% ut to $lose out the or" order# sin$e e really didn@t do anything to !i8 theproblem# I am re4uired to put some e8planation as to hy you are no satis!ied ith our ser,i$e%Would you please tell me hat $hanged your mind about our ashing ma$hines being the $auseo! your /eans shrin"ing$irl?ne o! my roommates bought a s$ale !or our apartment%


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It@s Ninety Percent Mental

)enny stormed into the lo$"er room a,ing the regional nespaper% Did you guys see the

paper today3 He shoed it to us# and e ere sho$"ed at hat e read% In a letter to the editor#the $oa$h o! the !ootball team e ere to play that ee" said horrible things about us% His $omments stemmed !rom the !a$t that e had on the state playo!! spot e,en be!ore eplayed them% +he reason !or this as be$ause he had de$ided not to play one o! the distri$t teamssin$e they ere a three hour dri,e aay% He !elt his team $ould beat the other !our# and by sodoing# still ma"e the playo!!s% Hoe,er# hen they lost a game# the playo!! spot !ell to us% Hisletter stated that his team ouldn.t e,en ha,e the ill to in# "noing they $ouldn.t go to statee,en i! they beat us%

&or ea$h o! the ne8t !e days# he rote a ne letter to the paper berating us and $hallengingus to let the inner ha,e the spot% We ere illing# sure that e $ould in# but our $oa$h said itas out o! our hands% +he state rules $ontrolled ho ent to the playo!!s% Hoe,er# the opposing

$oa$h.s $omments gal,ani=ed us into !ier$e pra$ti$es% We ran and blo$"ed and ta$"led li"e ne,erbe!ore# and our $oa$h noti$ed%n +hursday# a!ter reading another arti$le by the opposing $oa$h# e ran !rom the lo$"er

room !or our last pra$ti$e be!ore the big game# ready to annihilate any opposition% ut# instead o!the tough pra$ti$e e all e8pe$ted# our $oa$h had di!!erent plans%

9en# I "no you are all ti$"ed o!! about the letters to the editor that you.,e read# and I $an.tblame you% ut I "no that $oa$h# and you.re !alling right into his trap% 7ogi erra said aseball is B0 mental >> the other hal! is physi$al.% 7ou $an say mu$hthe same !or !ootball% 7ou men are out there preparing !or one o! the most physi$al games o!your li!e# but I.m a!raid you $ould lose the mental battle% I $an promise you that# !or all o! his tal" about his team not ha,ing the ill to in# theyha,e been preparing !or this game physi$ally li"e no other# /ust as you ha,e% ut "noing their$oa$h as I do# I doubt they plan to play !air% He is not abo,e ha,ing his players ta"e e,ery $heapshot they $an# /ust as he has in his letters to the paper% +here!ore# to in# e must do better% We must play the $leanest# most honorable game eha,e e,er played% nly spotless sportsmanship $an in against dirty $ompetition% esides# eha,e !ar more to lose by loering oursel,es to his le,el% ?o one ould be too sho$"ed ithraun$hy $ondu$t !rom a losing team% ut no one really thin"s o! a team as true $hampions i! theyplay that ay% And I e8pe$t my team to be $hampions6 So# tomorro# e ill ha,e some stringent rules% I ill ha,e no !ighting% I! they ta"e a$heap shot# as I.m sure they ill# you simply tell them they made a good hit# and then al"aay% It.s not $oardi$e to $ontrol your temper% 7ou must $hannel your thoughts and energyinto e,ery play# !orgetting about re,enge% &urther# I e8pe$t you to sho superior sportsmanshipby o!!ering them a hand up hen they are don# and things li"e that% And those ho don.t illarm the ben$h by me%3 )enny turned to me and hispered% I thin" $oa$h has !inally lost it%3 9aybe#3 I hispered ba$"% ut I plan to do hat he says%3 Coa$h !inished his le$ture% I! you ill do hat I tell you# e,en i! it is hard# I thin" I $an notonly guarantee a in tomorro# but the most interesting game you ill e,er be part o!% +hereill be no pra$ti$e tonight% 7our /ob is to get yoursel! mentally ready !or tomorro% 3


18/110


19/110

Te I)1ortance Of Playin+ 2airly

ur $oa$h had arned us that the opposing !ootball team ould play un!airly# but he also

threatened to pull us !rom the game i! e !olloed their lead% He promised us it ould gi,e us amental ad,antage i! e played !airly hen our opponents didn.t% (ut your energy into thegame#3 he said# not into re,enge%3 We on the $oin toss and lined up to "i$"% I as the "i$"er# and# already mo,ing at !ullspeed# as !irst to rea$h their ball $arrier% As I got up !rom the ta$"le# I rea$hed my hand out tohim% He $austi$ally slapped it aay# and# at that moment# I as rammed in the ba$" andslammed to the ground%

It as an absolutely illegal hit# but the re!s missed it% +he ta$"ler /umped to his !eet# doublingup his !ists# e8pe$ting me to !ight% Anger surged through me as I gasped to $at$h my breath andstruggled to my !eet% ut I remembered hat $oa$h said and put a thumb up% ?i$e hit63 +he opposing player stood there# dumb!ounded% As I al"ed ba$" to our team# )enny

approa$hed me% I $an.t belie,e you didn.t $lean his $lo$"63 I don.t ant $oa$h ta"ing me out o! the game#3 I replied% I lined up as de!ensi,e ta$"le and sa the guy that hit me ta"e the position o! !ull ba$"% +omysel! I said# h# please gi,e him the ball%3 9y prayer as ansered# and he turned to run up my side% I "no$"ed the o!!ensi,e ta$"le!lat as I $ame through the line% +he !ullba$" sa me and turned# but not !ast enough% )enny/oined me on the ta$"le# and they had a si8 yard loss% I as /ust getting up hen# on$e more#someone smashed into my ba$"% +his time the re! $alled a penalty# putting us near the goal line%

+hey tried a pass ith no su$$ess# so on the ne8t play# the 4uarterba$" tried to snea" someyardage around the outside% ne o! our de!ensi,e ba$"s and I $aught him barely a yard outsidethe goal line% +his time# as I got up# I rea$hed my hand to their 4uarterba$"# but "ept a ary eye%Sure enough# a big ta$"le sped toard me% I /umped aside# /ust in time# and he ploed into hison 4uarterba$"# ho had /ust stood up% +he re! thre a !lag%

+heir 4uarterba$" /ust laid there# and the opposing $oa$h $ame onto the !ield to $he$" onhim% +he re!s had a dilemma% Do they penali=e the other team !or an illegal hit against their onplayer As the 4uarterba$" !inally struggled groggily to his !eet# the opposing $oa$h demanded apenalty be assessed% +he head re! agreed# and $alled one on them% ?ot against us# you idiot6 Against him63 the $oa$h said# pointing at me% 7our player madethe illegal hit63 the re! !ired ba$"% With !ourth and 20 they ould ha,e to punt# and# as the opposing $oa$h stormed o!! o! the!ield# he yelled at me# 7ou.re dead63 As e prepared to re$ei,e# Coa$h arned me to "eep my its about me% +he ne8t play hadbarely ended hen a player $ame a!ter me% I a,oided a dire$t hit# and another penalty asassessed% +hrough the rest o! the game# many illegal hits $ame at us# but as e $ongratulatedthem or /ust al"ed aay# something strange started to happen% +hey not only seemed $on!used#but lost intensity% 9a"ing an illegal hit# and getting no $omparable response# too" aay theirenergy% In addition# their on supporters seemed disgusted and 4uit $heering > sometimes e,enbooing their on team.s ob,ious in!ra$tions% I played both o!!ense and de!ense# and by the time e entered the se$ond hal!# e erebusting through their line ith total impunity% ur o!!ense as dri,ing !i,e yards per play# butour de!ense as gaining an a,erage o! si8% We on ith a !inal s$ore o! 5 to %


20/110

As e al"ed !rom the !ield# a!ter sha"ing hands ith our de/e$ted opponents# I had learnedmu$h about the importan$e o! the mental game o! !ootball% ut more importantly# I reali=ed homu$h better it is to "no that I played !airly%


21/110

Te Perfect Halloween Prank

)enny# ut$h# and uster snu$" stealthily through the !arm yard under the $o,er o! dar"ness#

ith only the 4uarter moon !or light% +hat is# they ere stealthy until ut$h bumped into )enny%Hey6 Wat$h here you are going63 Ho $an I at$h here I am going hen I $an hardlysee anything3 ut$h retorted% It ould help a lot i! e turned on the !lashlight%3 We don.t ant him to see us and gi,e aay that e.re here#3 )enny groled%

*emind us# again# hat e are doing#3 uster said% We are going to ire the bra"es in ;n$le Dustin.s pi$"up to the horn so that e,ery time hepushes the pedal# the horn goes o!!#3 )enny replied% Why do you ha,e su$h a ,endetta to get your un$le3 ut$h as"ed% E,ery Halloeen etry# and he ends up getting the better o! us%3 +hat.s e8a$tly it%3 )enny replied% +his year it.s our turn% esides# he started it% 7ears agohen I as young# he dressed up li"e a monster and s$ared me to death%3

+hey $ontinued snea"ing their ay a$ross the !arm yard# staying hidden behind trees# oldma$hinery# and anything else they $ould% ut the last stret$h as open spa$e% We.ll ha,e to stay don#3 )enny hispered# or e.ll trigger the yard light%3 )i"e soldiers approa$hing the enemy.s !ighting position# they $raled a$ross the dirt in theyard# ith )enny dragging the ire# pliers# and other ne$essary e4uipment% +hey ere /ust aboutto the old shed here the pi$"up as par"ed hen a loud siren pier$ed the night air% S$ared todeath# they turned toard the sound and sa !lashing red and blue lights%

+he poli$e63 )enny yelled% *un63 He /umped up and too" o!! ith the other to $lose behind% +hey stumbled their ay a$rossthe yard in the opposite dire$tion o! the !lashing light and siren% )enny tripped o,er an old pie$eo! ma$hinery# and the others tumbled o,er him% +hey /umped up and $ontinued running to thepole !en$e# thre themsel,es o,er it# and dropped to the ground% Do you thin" they sa us3 )enny as"ed% uster $oughed and sputtered% What I.m more $on$erned about is hat the de,il e arelaying in It stin"s63 We.re in the $o $orral#3 )enny hispered% 7ou mean e.re laying in $o manure3 uster blurted out% Shh#3 )enny arned% +hey.ll hear us%3 +hey ere there# 4uiet and motionless# !or a long time# as the lights and siren $ontinued% Allat on$e ut$h let out a pani$"ed gasp% Something.s breathing on me%3 He s$reamed hen a$urious $o li$"ed his !a$e ith her sandpaper tongue% S$ared# she belloed and ran !or theother side o! the $orral% I.m !ree=ing# lying here#3 uster said% I thin" I ill /ust go turn mysel! in% I.d rather go to/ail than !ree=e to death% As !ilthy as e are# I doubt they.d ant us in their /ail anyay%3 ?o63 )enny hispered !ear!ully% )et.s /ust $ut a$ross the $orral and e.ll ma"e a brea"!or it%3 +he others got up and !olloed him# until ut$h let out a yelp%

What is it no3 )enny as"ed in disgust%9y so$" and shoe got stu$"# and my !oot pulled out o! them% I /ust stepped in this mu$"

ith my bare !oot%3 +hey or"ed the shoe !ree# but in so doing# they all got stu$"% &inally# all o! them# in bare


22/110

!eet# made it a$ross the !ilthy $orral $arrying their shoes and so$"s% E,entually# smelly and $old#they ere !ree% +he ne8t day# )enny non$halantly $ame o,er to ,isit ith his un$le and as"ed i! he.d hadany Halloeen problems% +hought I heard something on$e#3 his ;n$le said# but I /ust !lipped this sit$h on my ne

!angled $ontraption# and that seemed to ta"e $are o! it%3 )enny loo"ed on ide>eyed as his un$le# grinning "noingly# !lipped the sit$h and "i$"edon a blue and red !lashing light and a siren% ?e8t year63 )enny groled under his breath%


23/110

51readin+ 5unsine

Although most o! us ere speeding that day and probably deser,ed a ti$"et# it as only *od

that got one% ut there as a good reason !or that% It had been a et !all% +he rains had turned mu$h o! the ground to mush# but no pla$e asorse than at the huge dairy near here e li,ed% +he et# sloppy mu$" as more than three!eet deep in most o! the $orrals% -ustin.s dad had re$ei,ed a $ontra$t !or hauling aay the manure and spreading it on the!ields a !e miles aay% -ustin# a young high s$hool student# anted to pay !or a ne $ar% So hetoo" on the /ob or"ing !or his dad% Spreading Sunshine3# he $alled it% ut$h and uster or"ed at that dairy# and ere on their ay there !or the e,ening mil"inghen uster.s $ar# as usual# bro"e don% ut this time it died right at the point o! a sharp $ur,ehere it $ouldn.t be seen !rom either dire$tion% While ut$h stayed in the $ar# uster stepped out to see i! he $ould !igure out hat as

rong# e,en though his me$hani$al aptitude as $lose to =ero% He had barely raised the hoodhen he heard the ominous sound o! the approa$hing manure tru$"% uster.s !irst impulse as to !lee# but then he thought about his $ar# and de$ided he betterrun to the $orner to !lag -ustin to a stop% Hoe,er# he didn.t get the $han$e% -ustin# paid by theload and not by the hour# as tra,eling !ar abo,e the speed limit% He rounded the $orner at !ullthrottle# sa the $ar# and hit the bra"es% +he tru$" slid the !ull distan$e to the $ar# stopping only a!e !eet !rom uster# ho had his eyes $losed# thin"ing he as about to die%

ut e,en though the huge tru$" stopped# the load it $arried didn.t% +he et manure surged!orard li"e a giant tsunami# engul!ing uster# his $ar# and the road !or about 0 yards# as ell as!illing the dit$hes on ea$h side% uster thought he as going to dron# but -ustin /umped out#aded in# and res$ued him% ?o one e,er tra,eled the speed limit on that road# and ith it being /ust a!ter or"# thespeeding $ars started $oming% Ea$h sa the mess too late to stop# and ploed into it# somethroing a a,e ten !eet high% I as one o! those%

9ost tra,eled on# but a !e o! us stopped to see i! help as needed% Someone must ha,e$alled the sheri!!.s o!!i$e be$ause# e,entually# a $ouple o! deputy sheri!!s pulled up in a ni$e#ne pi$"up% +hey par"ed at the edge o! the manure# not anting to get their ne tru$" dirty% )aughing# they stepped out% Well# ell# ell# hat a mess% We probably should issue ati$"et here# but /ust ho do e gi,e it to3 +hey laughed e,en more as ut$h# ho as still in uster.s $ar# started hollering that heas su!!o$ating under the manure $o,ering% When e told him to /ust $limb out# he yelled ba$"!rom the hidden depths% Are you $ra=y63 +he deputies $ontinued to laugh until# suddenly# *od# in his big pi$"up# $ame hurtlingaround the $orner% He sa the sheri!!.s pi$"up and lo$"ed his bra"es% +he deputies threthemsel,es out o! the road as *od slid in their dire$tion% He hit their sheri!! tru$" on a ba$"$orner# spinning it into the manure# here it $ame to rest in the dit$h%

+he to deputies stared at their pi$"up as it san" into manure higher than the hood# and themanure began to !lo inside through the to open doors% And although it as really really hardnot to# no one laughed# e,en hen *od !le out o! his pi$"up and yelled# All right6 Who asthe stupid idiot that le!t a pi$"up par"ed in the%%%3 And e still "ept our $omposure e,en hen e sa the loo" on his !a$e hen he stopped


24/110

short# seeing the !ron on the !a$e o! the to deputies# and then turned and sa the lights on topo! their patrol tru$"% And that# you see# as hy *od as the only one that got a ti$"et that day%


25/110

It@s Not O.er ntil Te ,istle Blows

It as the end o! my sophomore year in high s$hool# and I as in the eight room hen the

!ootball $oa$h approa$hed me% Hoard# ha,e you $onsidered $oming out !or !ootball ne8t !allWith your si=e# e $ould really use you%3 I told him that my !ather only alloed one sport per year# e8plaining that my brothers and Itraded o!! ho did the $hores# ea$h ta"ing a turn hile the others parti$ipated in the sport o! their$hoosing%

Hoe,er# I reali=ed that# sin$e I as one o! the youngest and had no one else to trade o!!ith anymore# I ended up doing the mil"ing all o! the time% It had been hard# $oming homee8hausted !rom restling pra$ti$e# and still doing $hores# but I had done it and $ould do it again% When I tal"ed to my dad# he $onsidered it !or a time% &inally# he agreed% 7ou ha,e done agood /ob in the past# and you ha,e "ept good grades% I suppose as long as you $ontinue to dothat# then you $an do hate,er sport you ant%3

Coa$h as happy to see me that !irst day o! pra$ti$e# but I arned him that I "ne nothingabout !ootball% He laughed# nly seen it on +%


26/110

then turned to me% Hoard# that as brilliant6 Ho did you "no they ere pulling a tri$"play3 I as embarrassed# "noing it asn.t brillian$e# but la$" o! e8perien$e% I "ne so ,ery little%ut there as one simple rule that I hadn.t !orgotten% +he play isn.t o,er until the histle blos%


27/110

7ey 8es1onsibility

Sunday morning# hen I $ame in !rom mil"ing the $os# my i!e# Donna# as sear$hing all

o,er the house% What are you loo"ing !or3 I as"ed% I $an.t !ind my "eys anyhere#3 she replied in great !rustration% I helped her loo" !or a hile# and e,entually the hole !amily /oined in# but it as all to noa,ail%

She needed to be at $hur$h early# so I loaned her a $ar "ey !rom my set# retaining the rest soI $ould dri,e o,er later%

When e arri,ed home !rom $hur$h# the hole !amily /oined in the sear$h again# but e still$ouldn.t !ind her "eys% We sat don and tried to thin" about here she had had them last# hatshe had done all day on Saturday# and here she had gone% We ould get hat e thought as aspar" o! inspiration only to $he$" it out and $ome to a dead end% n 9onday# I too" my "eys in and had dupli$ates made o! the ones I $ould% Hoe,er#

be$ause the ne ele$troni$ ,ehi$le "eys are e8tremely e8pensi,e# e de$ided to /ust trade mineba$" and !orth beteen us# hoping hers ould sho up% Donna almost ne,er loses anything or !orgets here something is# hile I# on the other hand#$an.t remember hat I did ten minutes earlier i! ha,en.t ritten it don% &or that reason# sheendured some good natured teasing%

Why don.t you loo" in the !ree=er3 one o! the "ids as"ed%+hat has been a /o"e in our !amily e,er sin$e our married daughter !ound her "eys there%

Still# to this day# e ha,e no idea ho they !ound their ay in there% E,entually# someonea$tually did loo" in the !ree=er# but Donna.s "eys eren.t there%

I teased her about getting a beeper !or them# and e,en loo"ed into ho mu$h it ould $ost% ut# in reality# I as /ust glad it asn.t my "eys# and I told her so% I really need mine to getinto my o!!i$e at or"# and it.s $ostly and time $onsuming i! I ha,e to repla$e them%

&or to ee"s e hunted !or her "eys ith no lu$"% We !inally resigned oursel,es to the !a$tthat e eren.t going to !ind them# and ould ha,e to !or" out the money !or a hole ne set% It as right about then# on Saturday morning# I de$ided that I needed to see ho mybeehi,es ere progressing% As I slipped into my thi$" bee suit# I heard something /angling% Irea$hed into the po$"et and !elt some "eys% Without e,en pulling them out# I "ne hat theyere% I started remembering ho# on the parti$ular Saturday e had lost them# that I had dressedin my bee suit# and had borroed Donna.s "eys !rom her purse to retrie,e some beehi,ematerials !rom our ,an% I must admit that I as tempted to /ust put them on her dresser and a$t all surprised# alongith e,eryone else# hen they ere dis$o,ered% ut I de$ided I needed to be a man and on upto my !ailings% When I shoed them to her# she s4uealed ith delight and hugged me% Her /oyous rea$tionbrought the hole !amily around%

When she as"ed me here I !ound them# I relu$tantly started to e8plain% Well# you see# it.s li"e this% I as or"ing on the bees to ee"s ago# and I needed to getin the ,an# and ell%%%3 As I trailed o!! on my story# she and the $hildren started to laugh at my embarrassment% utmy seet i!e /ust hugged me% (erhaps e should still get the beeper%3 ut then she po"ed me


28/110

good>naturedly% ut e.ll put it on you%3


29/110

Differences In $ratitude

I as 1B years old# li,ing in ?e 7or"# and a long ay !rom home% It as +han"sgi,ing

time# and I "ne I ould not be able to go home that holiday% +o di!!erent !amilies thatattended the same $hur$h I did# in,ited me to +han"sgi,ing dinner% +he !irst dinner as to be atabout noon# and the se$ond ould be around F'00 in the e,ening% eing young# and ha,ing a bigappetite# I !igured I ould be !ine a$$epting both% n that morning# I ate a light brea"!ast so I$ould heartily en/oy the !easting o! the day%

+he !ather o! the !irst !amily as a $ompany e8e$uti,e# and the !amily had a lot o! money% Ias sure it ould be a great meal% I arri,ed at their home at about 11'00 as re4uested% As Iapproa$hed the house# the aroma o! roasting tur"ey# pump"in pie# sage# and many other smells!illed the air# ma"ing my mouth ater%

I as in,ited in# and spent some time ,isiting ith the !ather until dinner as ready% Whene stepped into the dining room# I as ama=ed% Although there ere only the to parents and

to $hildren# a table large enough to seat an army brigade as set and beauti!ully de$orated% Itas loaded ith e,ery $on$ei,able type o! !ood !or the season% At one end sat pies o! e,ery,ariety# outnumbering the people to eat them by at least to to one% As e,eryone too" their pla$e at the table# I e8pressed my ama=ement that they $ould puttogether that mu$h !ood in one morning% +he mother blushed% A$tually# e /ust pur$hased mosto! it already made% +he only thing I really $oo"ed as the tur"ey and the potatoes%3 e!ore e ate# as as their tradition# the !ather o! the home $alled on ea$h one to sharesomething !or hi$h they ere than"!ul% Ea$h member o! the !amily# amid the opulen$e thatsurrounded them# struggled to !ind something% +he !ather as grate!ul !or his /ob# the mother !ortheir ne $ar# the $hildren !or a ne bi"e# and a spe$ial doll% Home $oo"ed or not# the meal as onder!ul# and I ate until I $ould hardly addle my ay!rom the table% I en/oyed most o! the a!ternoon ith them be!ore heading to the se$ond dinner% +he se$ond home as a poor# immigrant !amily% +he !amily# in$luding $hildren !rom about years old to beauti!ul teenaged daughters# e8$itedly greeted me hen I arri,ed% +here ere se,en$hildren in all# plus the parents# and they all li,ed in a small to bedroom apartment% As e sat don to dinner# the tur"ey as more li"ely a $hi$"en# and not a large one at that%ut e,en though the !ood as not !an$y# there as plenty o! bread# beans# and other simpler!oods !illing the table%

A!ter e,eryone as seated# the !ather as"ed ea$h person to share hat they ere than"!ul !or%Starting ith the oldest daughter# ea$h $hild e8pressed than"s !or !ood# a ni$e pla$e to li,e# andespe$ially !or !amily% ?o one mentioned anything about material things# e8$ept !or thene$essities o! li!e% When the !ather.s turn $ame# he be$ame emotional as he e8pressed# in his bro"en English#his lo,e and gratitude !or his !amily# his than"!ulness !or their ne $iti=enship in this great$ountry# and !or the !reedoms !rom tyranny that they en/oyed here% When it as my turn# the material possessions I had seemed insigni!i$ant% Instead# I thoughto! my on !amily at home# ho ould be en/oying their on meal and praying !or my sa!ety asI as !ar aay% I also loo"ed at the beauti!ul# smiling !a$es around me# and thought o! my ne!riends% A"ardly# I e8pressed my gratitude not !or things# but !or people > good people% +hen e ate hat as probably the simplest# and# yet# one o! the most satis!ying meals o! myli!e as I pondered my !uller understanding o! true than"!ulness%


30/110

In Te Hot 5eat

I as a!raid I as going to be late !or or" on that $old# inter day# be$ause the tra!!i$ had

$ome to a standstill% ;p ahead# there ere red# blue# and yello !lashing lights% -ust beyond themas a !ire engine# and beyond it# thi$"# bla$" smo"e billoed into the s"y% A poli$eman e,entually $ame don the ro o! $ars and as"ed us to turn don a side street% Idro,e to a di!!erent par"ing lot than I had planned to par" in# and hi"ed my ay a$ross $ampus#ma"ing it to $lass ith only minutes to spare% +he ne8t day# Ali al"ed into my $lass and $ame up to my des" to tal" to me% (ro!essorHoard# I as ondering i! I $ould be e8$used !rom missing $lass yesterday# be$ause it asn.tmy !ault%3 When I as"ed her hat the reason as# she ansered by saying# Well# it.s a long story%3Whene,er I hear that phrase# I !igure it ill probably be interesting% As a tea$her# I ha,e heardmore e8$uses about missing $lass than I $an e,er $ount# but /ust hen I thin" I.,e heard them all#

a ne one $rops up% Ali told me that her parents had pur$hased an old $ar !or her be$ause they had heard aboutIdaho.s !rigid inters and didn.t ant her to ha,e to al" e,eryhere% She had de$ided to ta"e alonger trip to ;tah one ee"end# and on the ay ba$"# she started ha,ing $ar problems% She saidthe lights ere !li$"ering# and all o! the $ar.s ele$tri$al $omponents ere barely or"ing% +heipers ould hardly "eep her indo $lear enough so she $ould see# and the heater !an hadsloed until it as only sputtering% She lu$"ily made it ba$" to her apartment# but she had no sooner arri,ed there than the $ardied $ompletely% She !ound a repair shop that $ould or" on it# and tal"ed a !riend into helpingher to it there% +he me$hani$ $he$"ed it o,er# and told her that the alternator as almost totally !ried% Hesaid it ould ha,e to be repla$ed% She as"ed him to hurry be$ause it as a!ully $old# and shedidn.t ant to al" any more than she had to% A!ter a ee"# the me$hani$ !inally $alled and told her that the $ar as ready% ne o! herroommates agreed to gi,e her a ride to the shop to get it i!# in turn# Ali ould gi,e the roommatea ride ba$" to $ampus so the shop $ould do some or" on her $ar%

A!ter she paid !or her $ar repair# Ali $limbed into her $ar and her roommate /umped into thepassenger seat% +hey had /ust arri,ed ba$" at $ampus hen Ali turned to her roommate ande8$laimed# 9y butt is hot63 Her roommate turned to her in sho$"% Don.t you thin" that is a pretty egotisti$al thing tosay esides# ho told you that# your boy!riend3 ?o63 Ali s$reamed% I mean my butt is really hot63 Her roommate /ust rolled her eyes and loo"ed straight ahead# not planning to e,en respondto su$h a thing% ut at that moment# Ali s$reamed# hit the bra"es# and steered the $ar up onto thesideal"# sending students darting !or sa!ety% Ali thre her $ar door open and /umped !rom the$ar /ust as the heated $ar seat burst into !lames% As a $rod gathered# Ali dan$ed around and thenplopped in a sno ban"# trying to $ool her ba$" side%

9eanhile# her roommate s$rambled !rom the $ar# hi$h as soon engul!ed in !lames% +he!ire tru$" $ame# but by the time it arri,ed# the $ar as a total loss%

Ali said she !ound out that the me$hani$ had a$$identally bypassed the thermostat on the $arseat heater%


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And i! I hear one more /o"e about me ha,ing a hot butt# someone is going to end up inintensi,e $are63 Ali said in $on$lusion% As !or me# I sti!led my grin# "ept my mouth shut# and e8$used the absen$e%


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Te 8elationsi1

9y i!e# Donna# as ne to the or$hestra# and she anted to ma"e !riends ith e,eryone%

She introdu$ed hersel! to ea$h person# and most ere !riendly and $hatted ith her% ut thebassoonist didn.t so mu$h as smile hen Donna said hello% She /ust loo"ed up# nodded# andturned ba$" to her instrument% As the ee"s passed# Donna tried repeatedly to engage her in $on,ersation# but to no a,ail%She e,entually as"ed another member o! her $larinet se$tion about the young lady% h# you mean Susan#3 the other $larinetist replied% I doubt you ill e,er get her to saymu$h% I don.t thin" she has said three ords to me in the !i,e years that I ha,e been in theor$hestra% She usually "eeps to hersel!# and she doesn.t seem to ant mu$h to do ith the rest o!us%3 Donna didn.t ant to gi,e up% She "ne hat it !elt li"e to be in a group# and yet not really!eel part o! it% She thought that maybe Susan !elt that ay# so she "ept loo"ing !or the right

sub/e$tG something that ould get her to open up% +hen# one day# she sa it% Susan had a neengagement ring on her !inger% So# are you in a relationship3 Donna as"ed% &or the !irst time Susan loo"ed up and smiled% h# yes6 And it.s onder!ul63 Ho long ha,e you "non ea$h other3 Susan paused !or a moment to thin"% )et.s see% It ould be around ten years no% It is hardto belie,e it has been that long%3 Wo63 Donna replied% +hat.s 4uite a hile%3 7es# but it has been the best ten years o! my li!e% I ouldn.t trade them !or anything%3 Is he good to you3 Donna as"ed% 7es# he is the best% In !a$t# I ould ha,e to say he is the best !riend I ha,e e,er had% Heresponds to my e,ery him# and does /ust hat I ant him to%3 What.s his name3 Donna 4ueried !urther# ondering i! she might "no him% I $all him ob%3 7ou $all him ob3 7es% It is short !or *obert% *obert is a little too long%3 Donna nodded% ob is a ni$e name%3 7eah# I li"e it% It is easy to remember% 9y last one as +heodore% E,en shortened to +eddyit as /ust too long% ob is mu$h ni$er%3 So hat do the to o! you li"e to do together3 9ost o! the time e li"e to play a$h.s Sonata in :% ut sometimes# hen e !eelad,enturous# e try the minute alt=%3 Susan laughed% I! you thin" that is tough on a $larinet#you ought to try it on a bassoon% It.s more li"e the to minute hoedon%3 +hey both laughed% Susan seemed to lo,e to tal" about ob% And Donna anted to "eep hertal"ing# hoping others in the or$hestra ould /oin in the $on,ersation and ma"e Susan really !eelpart o! them% So here is he !rom3 He.s !rom ra=il%3 ra=il +hat is 4uite a ays aay%3 7es#3 Susan ansered% ut he is de!initely orth it%3 She then hugged her bassoon tightlyto her% ob is the best bassoon in the orld%3


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Donna.s sho$" must ha,e been e,ident# be$ause hen Susan 4uit embra$ing ob# shepaused% She loo"ed at Donna.s !a$e# and reali=ed Donna as loo"ing at the ne ring% Susan.s !a$e !lushed red% h#3 she said# holding up her hand ith the engagement ring%7ou ere tal"ing about this# eren.t you3 Donna nodded%

Well#3 Susan said# his name is -ohn# and I guess he.s o"ay%3


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Te Year I Li.ed rist)as

It as Christmas E,e# and I as in ?e 7or"# a long ay !rom home% As e started our day#

my asso$iate# 9ar"# as"ed me hat I had planned%+he main thing is the $hur$h Christmas so$ial tonight#3 I replied% Ho about e li,e the real Christmas story as told in 9atthe 25 ,erse 0 be!ore e go3 I "ne the Christmas story asn.t there# but he had an unusual seriousness about him# so Iagreed% :ood63 he said% :et all o! your spare $ash%3 I hunted up 20 and put it in my allet% ?e8t he had me gather the le!to,er $oo"ies and$andy !rom my pa$"ages !rom home% &inally he as"ed i! I had more than one $oat% When I toldhim I had to# he told me to put one on and $arry the other% We stepped into the $old morning air# ea$h o! us $arrying some bags and a se$ond $oat% Wetoo" the bus to the orst part o! ton# and al"ed a !e blo$"s !urther% We $ame a$ross a

ragged loo"ing man sitting by a building% 9ar" stopped in !ront o! him% Sir# are you hungry3 +he man loo"ed up# a dullness in his eyes that seemed to 4uestion hether e ere reallyspea"ing to him% 9ar" spo"e again% Could you use a loa! o! bread3 +he man nodded# and 9ar" pulled !ood !rom his bag and handed it to him% +he man rippedthe pa$"age open and hungrily stu!!ed three !ull sli$es into his mouth% Ho long has it been sin$e you.,e eaten3 9ar" as"ed% +he man /ust shrugged# so e turned and headed on our ay% We al"ed don the streetand stopped by a small $orner store% Inside# e $ould hear the manager !or$e!ully say# I.msorry# but I don.t ha,e anything !or you%3 We at$hed as the man he as spea"ing to de/e$tedly al"ed !rom the store% His $oat asthreadbare# and he as unsha,en and grimy% 7our turn#3 9ar" said# nudging me !orard%

A"ardly I held out a loa! o! bread% Could you use some !ood3 I as"ed%+he man stopped% He started to rea$h out his hand and then pulled ba$"% I.m not a beggar% I

as only as"ing !or or" to earn hat I ould eat%3 I as lost as to hat to do ne8t# so 9ar" stepped in% And e are not /ust gi,ing it to you%When you ha,e an opportunity to help others# you $an pay us ba$" by doing something !orsomeone else%3 +he man nodded# and than"!ully too" the !ood I o!!ered% We ,isited brie!ly hile he ate#!inding out that he had lost his /ob and his home% He i!e and $hildren ere in a shelter# but meneren.t alloed there% e!ore lea,ing# I remembered the e8tra $oat and rapped it around hisshoulders% He stopped eating long enough to hug me# tears streaming don his !a$e% As e $ontinued on our ay# I learned !rom 9ar" that# at 1F# he had had a !ight ith his!ather# and had run aay !rom home% &or to years he had li,ed on the streets until he $ouldo,er$ome his pride and return home% Ea$h year sin$e then# I ha,e done this# and I learned hatthe realChristmas story is#3 he said% I told him I had heard some o! those ho begged eren.t as bad o!! as they pretended% Hesaid it as true# and he "ne men that begged !or a li,ing# ma"ing o,er a thousand dollars onsome days% !ten a person has to see" out the ones that really need it% ut I.d rather be guilty o!gi,ing to someone that didn.t need it than not gi,ing to someone ho did%3 We spent the day handing out !ood# stopping here and there to pur$hase more% As e,eningapproa$hed# and e turned to head home# I o!!ered the last o! my bread to an old man ho sat


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36/110

Te Mysterious Broken ,aterer

We $ame out to the barn on that $old De$ember morning to !ind the $os. aterer bro"en#

and the ater !looding the barn and i$ing o,er% It as a huge mess% 9y dad $ussed% ?ot again6 +his is the third time this ee"63 +he aterer had a small trough on the top o! it that !illed automati$ally as the $os dran"% Aaterer as essential# sin$e no tan" as big enough to hold the ater needed !or the K0 $os inour herd% Ea$h $o $ould easily drin" 0 gallons per day% What I $an.t understand#3 my dad $ontinued# is ho it "eeps getting bro"en% ;sually thereould be dents on the outside !rom the $os banging it# but the trough is alays busteddonard !rom the top%3 We had put all sorts o! posts and boards around the sides to a,oid the damage that usually$omes !rom $os bunting and pushing% ut Dad as rightG none o! that "ind o! damage e,erseemed to be the problem%

+he ne8t day as the !irst day o! Christmas brea"# and e $ame out to !ind the atererbro"en again% 9y dad as !urious% I ant you to sit in the lo!t and at$h until e $an !ind outhat the de,il is happening63 A!ter $hores# I got mysel! a boo"# and settled in to my assigned tas"% +he $os hung aroundthe aterer li"e gossiping employees around a ater $ooler% +hey bunted and tussled no andthen# but nothing o! any $onse4uen$e happened% When Dad $ame home !rom or"# I had nothingto report% I reminded him that# a!ter all# the damage alays seemed to o$$ur at night% I told him that Iould ta"e up my at$h again a!ter supper%

He agreed# but told me not to stay so long I didn.t get at least a !air night.s sleep% As almoste,eryone else headed o!! to bed# I ent to the barn and too" up my !ormer position% 9ost o! the$os had laid don !or the night# but a !e ere /ust !inishing eating% Some o! them $ame anddran"# but e,en they ere soon bedded don% When I had been there !or about to hours# and nothing had e,en ta"en a drin" !or the lasthal! hour# I de$ided to gi,e up% I had /ust stood to lea,e hen our bull approa$hed the aterer%9u$h to my surprise# he didn.t drin"# but hat he did made me gasp% I $ouldn.t belie,e my eyesand at$hed !or another ten minutes to ma"e sure I as seeing hat I thought I as seeing%When I as positi,e# I slid !rom the lo!t and rushed to the house%

Almost e,eryone as in bed hen I burst in% I "no hat the problem is63 I too" a minute to $at$h my breath# and then I started to e8plain% n$e the $os are beddeddon !or the night# they aren.t drin"ing anymore% Without $old ater $ontinually !loing in# theheater on the trough that "eeps it !rom !ree=ing heats the ater to a lu"earm%3 I stopped# and my dad prodded me% +hat.s true# but hat has that got to do ith the bro"enaterer3 I suddenly reali=ed ho stupid hat I as about to say as going to sound% I thin" maybeyou ought to $ome see this !or yoursel!%3 9y dad put on his $oat# and a !e o! my brothers# ho ere still aa"e and ere $urious#$ame along% We traipsed out to the barn# and $limbed to my pre,ious position in the lo!t% I hopedthe bull ould still be there# and as grate!ul to !ind that he as% 9y dad too" it all in !or a !e minutes# and then !inally spo"e% 7ou.re right% I! I hadn.tseen it# I ouldn.t ha,e belie,ed it%3


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ur to>and>a>hal! ton bull stood ith his eyes dreamily $losed# his !ront hoo,es in theaterer# letting the arm ater sirl around his !eet% +he mystery as sol,edG our bull had been using the aterer as his on personal !oot spa%


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% 8elati.e Disaster

+he $hur$h bulletin $arried a noti$e !or a genealogy $lass that as going to be o!!ered in our

lo$al $ommunity% A !riend o! mine /o"ed that I ought to ta"e it to help me !ind out hy I.m sonutty%9aybe you ill learn that you ha,e had s4uirrels in your !amily tree%3


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And that#3 my neighbor told me# is hy she ended up needing another husband# and hyno one tal"s too mu$h about the !irst one%3


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Dealin+ ,it lass o)1laints

In our uni,ersity math department# hen it $omes to $hoosing $lasses to tea$h# e do it on a

rotation system% Starting ith the person at the top o! the list# e,eryone $hooses one $lass% +hene start o,er at the top o! the list again# ith ea$h person $hoosing their se$ond one% We$ontinue this pro$ess until e,eryone has their !ull tea$hing assignment% +hen# the person at thetop o! the list rotates to the bottom !or the ne8t semester%

I had /ust rotated to the bottom o! the list# so it asn.t a surprise that# by the time e got tomy !ourth $hoi$e# the only $lass le!t !or me as the one nobody really li"ed to tea$h% It $onsistedalmost entirely o! girls ho ere planning to be$ome elementary s$hool tea$hers# and i! theyhated anything# it as math%

I had taught the $lass be!ore# and endured the ne,er ending hining% Why do e ha,e tolearn this stupid stu!!3 !ten# the girls ould $ome into my o!!i$e in tears# $omplaining about ho hard the math

as# suggesting that I as mean to be ma"ing them learn it% I ha,e a hard time dealing ith ayoung lady.s tears# e,en i! the real reason !or them is a$tually their la$" o! diligen$e% Hoe,er# o,er the years# I noti$ed that my !emale $olleagues not only handled the girls.tears better# but had less $omplaining as ell% So I ent to one o! them and as"ed !or ad,i$e% Shesmiled and e8plained ho she used a pretest to head o!! $omplaints in the beginning% +hus# on the !irst day o! $lass# I arri,ed at the $lassroom armed ith a ta"e>home e8am% Ithad 50 4uestions# $ould be done open boo"# and it ouldn.t $ount !or ,ery many points% Iintrodu$ed it by saying that it as an o,er,ie o! all o! the material e ould be $o,eringthrough the semester# and ould help both them and me see hat they "ne%

As they loo"ed through it# they $omplained loudly% +hey !elt it as too hard# too mu$hor"# and not !air to e8pe$t on the !irst day% ut# i! the $omplaints ere loud then# they erenothing in $omparison to hat happened at the ne8t $lass period hen it as due%

I ent through the boo" loo"ing !or those 4uestions# and I $ouldn.t !ind them#3 one girl$omplained% I !igured i! I $ould !ind the 4uestions I $ould !ind the anser in the ba$" and !igurethem out%3 +he e8a$t 4uestions aren.t there#3 I replied# but the $on$epts are%3 Well# I don.t "no hy you are asting our time on this stupid stu!!#3 one girl saidde!iantly% I plan to tea$h grade s$hool# not tea$h math%3 All o! the other girls added their agreement# and their tone rose almost to that o! rebellion#/ust as my $olleague said it ould%

What grades ill you tea$h in grade s$hool3 I as"ed% &irst through si8th#3 $ame the reply% Do you thin" you ill tea$h any math in those grades3 nly simple add and subtra$t stu!!#3 one young lady said in a $austi$ tone% *eally3 I as"ed%

7es# really63 she said# and e,eryone agreed ith her% +hat as hen I re,ealed something to them% I told you I didn.t ta"e the 4uestions !romyour te8t boo"% +hat is be$ause they $ame !rom the !i!th grade math te8t used at the lo$al grades$hool > the stu!! you ,ery li"ely ill be tea$hing%3 Suddenly# the room ent ,ery still as I $ontinued% ur goal is to help you understand thismaterial so that hen you step in !ront o! the students# you $an tea$h ith $on!iden$e%3


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&inally# one timid ,oi$e spo"e !rom the ba$"% (erhaps it wouldbe good i! e learned it%3 And# though the $omplaints ne,er !ully ended# e mo,ed !orard ith !ar !eer than e,erbe!ore%


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7eys Of rist)ases Past

Christmas as o,er# and my married daughter de$ided it as time to ta"e don the tree% ?o

one really anted to do it% E,erybody lo,ed the tree ith its spar"ling tinsel# its gloing lights#and its shining ornaments% ut# sooner or later# the spa$e a Christmas tree ta"es up in a houseneeds to be reallo$ated to other things% Celese tal"ed to her husband# -immy# about it% He agreed it as time to pa$" the Christmasde$orations into storage !or another year% +hey made the de$ision that they ould do it the ne8tday right a!ter -immy got home !rom or"% ut all o! that $hanged the ne8t morning hen# as -immy prepared to head to or"# he $ouldnot !ind his "eys% -immy or"s !or the ?a,y at a eapons resear$h !a$ility# and losing "eys asnot a small matter% Celese and -immy turned their house upside don loo"ing !or them until he as late !oror"# but the "eys seemed to ha,e /ust disappeared% -immy had to !ind other ays to ma"e do all

day at or" > borroing Celese.s "eys so he $ould dri,e there% Celese# meanhile# $ontinued tohunt all o,er the house% When -immy got home# all thoughts o! anything# besides !inding the "eys# ere set aside%o8ing up the Christmas de$orations ould ha,e to ait% +he hole !amily /oined in the sear$h#but the "eys ere nohere to be !ound% Almost a ee" and a hal! passed# ith the !amily spending e,ery !ree minute $ontinuing thesear$h% +hey loo"ed o,er and o,er in e,ery pla$e they $ould imagine the "eys $ould be# andsome they $ouldn.t imagine% -immy and Celese sat don and tried to retra$e e,ery step -immyhad ta"en on the day pre,ious to hen they ere lost% +he only thing I $an remember !or sure about them#3 he said# is that I used them to dri,ehome that day% And e didn.t go anyhere a!ter that# so they ha,e to be somehere in or aroundthe house%3 +hey $onsidered the ,ehi$les# and ent through both o! them# but no "eys% +hey thoughtabout the dog# and $he$"ed his house and the spot in hi$h he li"ed to bury bones% Still no "eys%+he dog# !or his part# as not pleased to ha,e them raiding hat he $onsidered his ban" a$$ount% +hey ent through e,ery in$h o! the house and !ound many lost things# but not the "eys%Celese as getting !rustrated ha,ing the hole house torn apart as they pulled things out o!$upboards# storage areas# and e,en the !ree=er% +he tension as beginning to ear on the hole!amily% &inally# e8asperated# -immy determined that he ould /ust ha,e to do the unen,iable tas" o!reporting the "eys missing# and re4uest a ne set% Well# then#3 Celese said# maybe e should put the house ba$" together and pa$" aayChristmas so e $an $arry on normally again%3 -immy agreed# "noing that ha,ing the house organi=ed on$e more ould help them all !eelless agitated% He ,olunteered to ta"e don the Christmas tree hile Celese sta$"ed things ba$"into the $upboards% ut as -immy as ta"ing apart the tree# he !ound something une8pe$ted% +here# hanging ona lo bran$h# ere his "eys% +here as no doubt about ho had put them there% +heir toyear>old son# )u"e# lo,ed "eys and he lo,ed the Christmas tree% As -immy pulled them !rom the tree.sbran$h# )u"e laughed happily% (etty Chismas tee%3 -immy pulled his little son onto his lap !or a hug% 7es# pretty Christmas tree%3


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And hen -immy $alled out the nes# the rest o! the !amily gathered around and en/oyed agood laugh at the /o"e the Christmas tree held as the !inal surprise o! the season%


44/110

Te #oy Of Learnin+

All 100 seats in the $lassroom ere !ull that !irst day o! the semester% +he $lass as $alled

Intermediate Algebra3# and e,eryone as re4uired to ta"e it or test out%I stru$tured my $lass so that I le$tured !or hal! the hour in a side room !or those ho anteda le$ture# and then I /oined my team o! tutors !or the other hal! to help indi,idual students%

9ath is ne,er the most popular $lass# and there as a lot grumbling as I laid out the semesterre4uirements% +o !inish# a person needed to pass K tests% Although no one as alloed to !allbehind# they $ould or" ahead and !inish early i! they anted to% In all o! my ten years o!tea$hing there# no one had e,er !inished early% ut that semester ould be di!!erent%

A young man !rom a !oreign $ountry do,e into the material li"e I had ne,er seen anyone dobe!ore% Instead o! or"ing through a se$tion in to days# he ould !inish !our or !i,e se$tionse,ery day% Within to ee"s he as almost done ith hat ould ta"e the rest o! the students15 ee"s to $omplete# and he did it ith nearly per!e$t s$ores on e,ery test%

I as stunned by this# and as"ed him i! he had already had the $lass be!ore% h# no#3 he said in his thi$" a$$ent% I not ha,e any algebra at all%3 I as surprised% +his $lass as a$tually the e4ui,alent o! high s$hool Algebra 2% A personshould ha,e at least ta"en the !irst algebra $ourse be!ore this one% I "ne ho mu$h or" this$lass ould be ithout it# so I 4uestioned him !urther# and he assured me he hadn.t had any mathbesides basi$ arithmeti$% Is this the only $ourse you are ta"ing# then3 I as"ed% He shoo" his head% h# no% 9e signed up !or 20 $redits%3 +his time I as so ama=ed I $ould hardly tal"% A !ull load is 12 $redits% A really !ull load is1% ut to ta"e 20 and !inish an algebra $ourse in 2 ee"s# ha,ing to put in e8tra time to do it#as absolutely phenomenal%

When I as"ed him hy he ould ta"e so many $redits# he spo"e enthusiasti$ally% 9e /ustant to learn6 Is so e8$iting63 He then told me that in his $ountry there ere to $astes o! people% In the loer $aste# theyoung people ere ta"en out o! s$hool at about the e4ui,alent o! our si8th grade% +hey ere putto or" doing manual labor% ?ot only ere they not gi,en the opportunity to learn# but i! theytried# they $ould !a$e retribution% He said that hen he as ta"en !rom s$hool# he as assigned to or" on a $re that asdigging a $anal by hand% When he !inished there# he or"ed digging !ields# preparing them !orplanting% He said he anted so badly to be learning instead# but as not alloed to%

He $ontinued% ut !inally# one day# I do some small thing that ma"e it so me get Ameri$ansponsor so $ome $ollege here%3 And no#3 he !inished ith a happy grin# the hard part is to $hoose hat learn !irst% Somany things is hard !or me de$ide% 9e ant learn e,erything63 His e8$itement made me ponder% What i! I as not alloed to learn Would it mean more tome than it does Do I ta"e my easy a$$ess to boo"s# maga=ine# and innumerable other resour$es!or granted ut there as one other burning 4uestion to hi$h I as dying to "no the anser% So henhe !inished the $ourse a day or so later and $ame to $he$" on his !inal grade# I as"ed% y the ay# hat did you do that got you an Ameri$an sponsor3


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46/110

Your Tou+est O11onent Is Yourself

As e ere preparing to eigh in !or the big restling tournament# I as reading the sign

that as dire$tly o,er the s$ale hen the young man beside me spo"e to me% So# hat eight do you restle at3 ne>si8ty>se,en#3 I replied He rea$hed out his hand to sha"e mine% 9e too% ?ame.s -ohn%3 Daris#3 I said# as I shoo" his hand% We ,isited a minute# and then he leaned toard me a bitand hispered%

Hey6 I.,e heard there is really only one restler in our eight that you ha,e to be $are!ulo!%3 h63 I replied% Who is that3 He glan$ed ner,ously around# and then hispered 4uieter still% His name is Hoard.# andhe.s !rom South &remont%3

I as ta"en aba$" at hearing my on name# but I !elt I did a master!ul /ob o! hiding mysurprise% When I re$o,ered and as !inally able to spea"# I as"ed him hat he had heard aboutthe South &remont restler% I soon !ound mysel! on the re$ei,ing end o! one o! the most interesting des$riptions o!mysel! I ha,e e,er heard% A$$ording to hat he shared# I as pretty mu$h a legend# ri,aling (aulunyan% +hough some o! hat he said as true# most o! it had been $ompletely blon up intoin$redibly tall tales% He said he had it on good authority that I had bro"en the leg or arm o! almost e,ery restlerI had $ome up against% He said he had heard that no one had e,er lasted past the !irst round ithme% He e,en $laimed that there ere $oa$hes ho said they ould rather de!ault and not ha,eone o! their team members restle me than $han$e ha,ing them get hurt% It may ha,e been true that I had been in some ,ery !ier$e mat$hes# but they ere that aybe$ause o! tough opponents% +he mat$hes ere hard !ought due to the intensity o! the$ompetition% I ould ne,er hurt anyone on purpose# and I only "ne o! one young man that hadbeen hurt restling me% And that a$$ident as $aused more by his ine8perien$e than by anythingon my part% I $onsidered telling that to this young man# and telling him ho I as# but I didn.t"no ho to go about it%

A!ter eigh>in# the $oa$hes met to determine ho ea$h restler ould be seated in thetournament% When the list as posted# the restlers hurried o,er to loo" at it% I too" my timegetting there# and by the time I arri,ed# the other restler had already $he$"ed it out% He hung hishead as I as"ed him about his dra% Can you belie,e my rotten lu$"3 he replied% I restle Hoard on the !irst round%3 I told him that Hoard as /ust an intense restler and not out to hurt anyone% Ha,e you restled him be!ore3 he as"ed%

I /ust "no him%3 I hope you.re right#3 he replied% When it $ame time !or our mat$h# he al"ed de/e$tedly to the mat% When I lined up a$ross!rom him he loo"ed up# and I $ould see the sho$" in his eyes% He.s you63 I nodded% And I.m not out to hurt anybody% -ust restle%3 ut it ended up being the shortest mat$h I ha,e e,er restled% He as pinned in about 0se$onds% I "ind o! !elt sorry !or him%


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When I stepped o!! the mat# my $oa$h said he.d ne,er seen su$h a !ast pin% I /ust shrugged% It asn.t really my doing%3 9y $oa$h loo"ed $on!used% What do you mean3 Well#3 I replied# the truth is# he as his on orst opponent# and beat himsel! long be!orehe e,er stepped on the mat%3

+hat as hen I remembered the ords on the sign o,er the s$ale hen e ere eighingin# and reali=ed ho true they are% Attitude determines altitude% I! you thin" you $an# or you thin" you $an.t# you.re right%3


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Old Hickory : Te Board Of ;ducation

I stopped to pi$" up a ,ideo and ran into )enny# hom I hadn.t seen in years% He greeted me#

and then he as"ed# Do you remember in si8th grade hen 9rs% 9% paddled you3 I as"ed him hy that as the thing he alays remembered about me% Well# shoot63 he said% 7ou ere the tea$her.s pet# and# yet# you ere the only one she e,erpaddled hersel!63 It as true% Her poli$y as that she ne,er paddled anyone% Instead# she made the o!!enderspaddle ea$h other# and they had to do it until she !elt they got it right > meaning hard enough% +he paddle# hi$h hung prominently on the all# as shaped li"e a tennis ra$"et# about anin$h thi$"# and $ut out o! hea,y unbrea"able3 ood% It had holes drilled through it% n one sideas ritten oard o! edu$ation3 and on the other ere the ords ld Hi$"ory3% 7ou might say I as the tea$her.s pet# only be$ause I alays did my or" 4ui$"ly ande!!i$iently# and then I read% I li"ed to read% I read almost hal! o! the boo"s in the $ity library that

year# starting ith all o! the Hardy oys series%As !or that !ate!ul &riday# it as almost time !or s$hool to get out !or the day hen 9rs% 9%de$ided to run to the o!!i$e !or supplies% Some students or"ed on homeor"# and others didend>o!>ee" $leaning%

)enny as supposed to ipe the thi$" $hal" !rom the $hal" trays that had a$$umulated allee"% Instead# he started /uggling the erasers% He lost hold o! one# and it boun$ed a$ross a $oupleo! des"s and landed s4uarely in my lap# lea,ing a big# hite mar"% I tossed it ba$" at him# but he /umped out o! the ay# and it sma$"ed Susan soundly in the$hest% She s4uealed and hurled it ba$" in my dire$tion% Her aim as bad# and she hit Sally%

Sally loo"ed at the $hal" on her pretty blue blouse# grabbed the eraser# and mar$hed toardSusan% Susan retreated and got an eraser o! her on% I had arily gone ba$" to my reading henI heard )enny tell them it as my !ault% oth girls turned and thre their erasers in my dire$tion%I du$"ed# and both rebounded o!! the all# hitting other students% I al"ed to the $hal"boards on our side o! the room and tossed a $ouple o! erasers to thoseho had been hit% I then too" a big one !or mysel!# slid it along the tray to !ill it !ull o! $hal"# andturned toard )enny% He held his hands up toard me% ?o# don.t go doing anything stupid63 I thre the eraser hard at him# /ust as the others thre theirs at Susan and Sally% )ennydu$"ed# but I planned !or that and aimed lo% As all o! the erasers hit# an atomi$ mushroom$loud o! $hal" dust rose !rom that side o! the room% Immediately# those in the general ,i$inityra$ed !or e,ery eraser they $ould !ind%

Within minutes# the room as a storm o! erasers !lying ba$" and !orth% +he dust gre sodense it loo"ed li"e an early morning !og had settled in% )enny thre a big eraser# hi$h hit mein the shoulder# and# in response# I on$e more slid it along the $hal" tray to !ill it% As I raised my arm to thro it# )enny started ba$"pedaling% -ust as I let it !ly# 9rs% 9%stepped into the room% She yelled# What the de,il is%%%63# but she ne,er !inished# be$ause )ennydu$"ed# and the eraser hit her right in the !a$e% It le!t her ith a hite stripe# ma"ing her loo"li"e a horse ith a bla=e don its nose%

During the moment it too" !or her to blin" the dust !rom her eyes and $ough it !rom herthroat# e,eryone s$rambled !or their seatsG e,eryone but me% I stood there in sho$"% 9y only hope


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as that she hadn.t seen it as me through the dust $loud% ut it didn.t matter anyay# be$ausehen she as"ed ho started it# e,eryone turned and pointed in my dire$tion%

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

I thin" it as all orth it seeing that big hite stripe don her !a$e#3 )enny laughed%

+hat#3 I groled# is be$ause it asn.t your rear end she bro"e the paddle o,er63


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$ettin+ 5tuck ,it Pinnin+ On % orsa+e

It as going to be my son.s !irst !ormal dan$e# and I $ould hardly ait% ?ot be$ause I as

ready !or my son to be gron up and doing gron up things# but be$ause it as my turn to at$hhim e8perien$e that horri!i$ e,ent in a man.s li!e' pinning his !irst $orsage on his date% I $ould remember ell my !irst time% It as a


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With a last pi$ture# they ere on their ay% A!ter they ere gone# I turned to my i!e% Someho# I !eel li"e li!e /ust $heated me%3


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% 5now Macine %nd % than>stellar per!orman$e% +hat.s not hat I meant63 he yelled%


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)ater# as he slid into the aist deep i$e ater to tie a rope to his ma$hine so e $ould pull itout# I thought that maybe# /ust maybe# one boy had learned a ,aluable lesson that day%


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%lways To+eter

Immediately a!ter I rang the doorbell# I heard )oell.s ,oi$e !rom inside# in,iting me to

$ome in% As I stepped into the room# he let out a happy $hu$"le%Well# 9other# loo" hat the dog dragged in%3 I laughed as he in,ited me to pull up a $hair% It had been a hile sin$e I had been o,er !or a,isit% )oell and )u$ille ere some o! my !a,orite people > good# don>to>earth $ountry !ol"#alays positi,e# and !ull o! stories% Ho are your $hi$"ens doing3 )oell as"ed% )oell had raised $hi$"ens !or as long as I $ould remember% He as more pro!i$ient at itthan anyone I "ne# ha,ing per!e$ted it to a s$ien$e% 7ou "no#3 he said# it as )u$ille.s !ault e raised $hi$"ens% I didn.t ant the disgustingthings# but she insisted she ould ta"e $are o! them% ut hen she got si$"# you $an guess hogot the /ob63

h# !iddlesti$"s63 )u$ille snorted% 7ou "no darn ell you ere more atta$hed to those$hi$"ens than anyone63 She then turned to me% 7ou "no# sin$e )oell retired# he has pretty mu$h dri,en me$ra=y# hanging around all the time% Why# sometimes I ha,e to get someone else to $ome o,er tohelp me# and send him o!! !ishing# /ust so I $an ha,e some pea$e%3 )oell laughed# and I smiled% I "ne the truth# and so did they% +hey ould be lost ithoutea$h other% And she ould only send him o!! be$ause she lo,ed him# and "ne he needed abrea"% 7ou used to send me o!! ahead e,ery time e ent $amping only so I $ould get the$ampsite ready be!ore you /oined me#3 )oell replied% Well# I !igured i! you ere going to drag me out into some ilderness !or a ee"end# you$ould darn ell ma"e it as ni$e as possible#3 )u$ille retorted% I laughed at their !riendly banter% I "ne there asn.t a $ouple anyhere that $ould be morede,oted to ea$h other than they ere%

)oell as an old !armer and had or"ed hard all o! his li!e% )i"e most !armers# he plannedto or" until the day he dropped in his !ield% ut )u$ille had be$ome ill and needed almost$onstant $are% He had retired so he $ould be there !or her% ut he still needed something to o$$upy his time# so he had built a little ood shop in hishouse here he $ould or" and still be there hen she needed him% &rom that shop he $reated allsorts o! things > beauti!ul $lo$"s# handsome ,ases# and e,en toys !or $hildren% )u$illehumourously $omplained that i! he "ept it up# they ould run out o! room in their house# andthey ould ha,e to mo,e out% e$ause o! )u$ille.s !ragile health# e,eryone ondered ho long she ould last% ut ith)oell.s "ind# attenti,e $are# she $ontinued on !or 10 to 15 years% And he $ontinued ma"ing hisbeauti!ul $reations# sharing them ith e,eryone% I# mysel!# as the re$ipient o! some o! thesetreasures% As I sat there ,isiting that night# I as unaare that )oell had been diagnosed ithterminal $an$er a !e months earlier% He ne,er let on# and he ne,er mentioned it# e,en though heas in a lot o! pain% During their last !e months together# )oell and )u$ille almost ne,er le!t ea$h other.sside# and only a !e short ee"s a!ter my ,isit# )oell passed aay% +hree days later as his


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,ieing# and that night# a!ter it ended# )u$ille le!t us to /oin him% When I heard the nes# I pi$"ed up a beauti!ul de$orati,e ,ase )oell had gi,en me# andmy heart !elt hea,y at the loss% Still# I had to smile at the thought o! the to o! them% In li!e theyere ne,er apart# and in death they ere not separated%

)oell only ent ahead to get the $ampsite ready%


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9y i!e turned around and loo"ed at me# and I $ould tell by the loo" on her !a$e that sheondered i! I as !iring on all pistons% -a$"ie Honda is the "ids. $ar63 h# o! $ourse#3 I said# al"ing !rom the room# !eeling li"e a total idiot%


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,at 5tudents Learned In Mat lass

,er the years# e ha,e !ound that one o! the students. greatest $riti$isms o! any math $lass

is their $laim that they didn.t learn anything% +here!ore# as part o! their !inal# I ha,e the studentslist ten things they learned% +hese items $ould be anything at all in relation to the $lass% +hey arealloed to rite their list ahead o! time and bring it to the !inal i! they ant% 9ost obser,ationsare 4uite normal# but some ma"e !or interesting reading% Here are some o! the $lassi$s !or thisyear'

1% I learned that the lottery is a ta8 on the mathemati$ally illiterate%

2% I learned that you $an do anything# though you may need help to do it%

% I learned that my $al$ulator is a lot smarter than I thought it as% I thin" it is e,en smarter than

I am%

% +he se$tion o! the boo" that I as e8$ited about# be$ause I "ne I ould understand it# is theone e de$ided to s"ip%

5% y the time you understand the problem enough to as" 4uestions# you don.t need to as" themanymore# be$ause you already "no the anser%

% I learned that I really hate negati,e people% I thin" about hal! o! them are negati,e# and theother hal! are /ust stupid%

F% I learned that a smart thing to do is to !ind out ho in the $lass is getting good grades and thensit by them%

K% +he girl sitting ne8t to me "ept playing games# and then she as upset hen she !ailed the test%She said she $ouldn.t !igure out hy she did so poorly% Duh%

B% +a"ing a $lass ith my brother is !un# but annoying%

10% I! you hate a $lass# sit by a hot girl and you ill li"e it better%

11% When your tea$her allos you to ta"e a M5 note $ard into a test# it really only helps i! you

put the right stu!! on it%

12% What I learn in a $lass is a$tually more important than the grade I get% +hough a good gradeis ni$e# too%

1% I! you or" hard and learn the material 4ui$"ly# you $an sit by a hot girl and help her% +hatimpresses her a lot# and she is happy to sit by you% I! you put o!! learning it until you ha,e


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!orgotten hat as tal"ed about in $lass# then you ha,e to go to (ro!essor Hoard and ha,e himhelp you# and that.s not near as mu$h !un%

1% 9a"e sure you ha,e plenty o! time to get to $lass ithout hurrying% I! you ha,e to hurry# youget seaty and nobody ants to sit by you%

15% It is harder to pay attention hen you sit on the ba$" ro%

1% I learned that a $hild is a ta8 dedu$tion% 9aybe not the most e!!e$ti,e one# hoe,er%

1F% Don.t date someone you ta"e a $lass ith be$ause it is really a"ard hen you brea" up%

1K% I! you ha,e a hot date to do homeor"# it is a lot more !un and you learn a lot more% N9aybenot about math# though%O

1B% I learned hy I am an art ma/or and not a math ma/or%

20% I learned that the stress !rom orrying about doing your homeor" is a lot orse thana$tually doing it%

21% I learned the most !rom your tal"ing to us about trying again and again hen you !ail#espe$ially ith the number o! !ailures you ha,e had trying to get your boo"s and storiespublished% I ill ne,er !orget your 4uote% 7ou need to stret$h yoursel! beyond hat you !eelyou are $apable o!% I! you are not !ailing no and then# you are not rea$hing high enough%P +hatill alays remind me to "eep trying%

22% I learned that (ro!essor Hoard as a$tually good loo"ing hen he as in $ollege% NI !ound

an old year boo" pi$ture o! you%O


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% Youn+ alf %nd %n nfor+i.in+ 5win+

ur baby $al!# )ady# as born in the middle o! the !all# so she had to endure a long inter% I

built her a small barn out o! stra ith a little outside pen so she $ould get some !resh air% ut asshe gre# the pen loo"ed smaller and smaller% It seemed li"e spring ould ne,er get here so thatI $ould put her in a bigger pasture% When spring !inally $ame# I !ound the pasture needed lots o! or"% Still# I "ne )ady neededto stret$h her legs% I put a halter on her and led her into the yard% +he yard# though !ull o! thingsli"e sings and teeter>totters# as ell !en$ed# and ould gi,e her room to run% I had no soonerlet her loose than she as galloping around# "i$"ing up her heels# and belloing her pleasure ather ne!ound !reedom%

+he $ats all ran !or $o,er% Although )ady ouldn.t hurt them on purpose# her running astotally out o! $ontrol% She ould o!ten run so !ast that hen she $ame to a !en$e# she $ouldn.tstop# and ould $rash into it%

A!ter about an hour o! running# she !inally settled don and started mun$hing on the netu!ts o! grass that ere po"ing up through last year.s bron lan% E,entually# her gra=ingbrought her up to my $hildren.s sing set% I had built the sing out o! huge logs% It is about 20 !eet tall ith long $hains that hang !romthe top rail% 9y $hildren lo,e it# sin$e the ar$ o! the sing is long and thrilling% ne o! the sings is an old tire% I had turned it inside out to ma"e it hold its !orm# $utting outa portion o! it to resemble a $ur,ed $hair% It is big and hea,y# and on$e you get it going# it illsing !or a long time% All o! our $hildren en/oy it# e,en the older ones% +hey ill tu$" up in it#and then someone ill sing them super high# and they ill go !ore,er% )ady# in her gra=ing# bumped into this sing# so she bunted it out o! her road% +he sing# o!$ourse# ent out a small distan$e# then returned# sma$"ing her% )ady didn.t li"e this at all% Sheshoo" her head and snorted% She then bunted it harder% +he sing responded by going out e,en!urther and $oming ba$" and hitting her harder in return% )ady ba$"ed up a step# snorted a !e times# then stepped up and hit the sing hard% +hesing ent out e,en !urther than be!ore% When it $ame ba$"# it hit her so hard that she stumbled% +hat seemed to be the last stra% )ady ba$"ed up $lear to the !en$e# about 20 !eet% Shesnorted# she paed the ground# and she belloed% A!ter she had let the sing "no it as in bigtrouble# she $harged at !ull speed%

She hit it dead $enter# and sent it on an ar$ about 15 !eet into the air% She snorted and shoo"her head# proud o! her ability to tea$h the sing a lesson% ut# !or e,ery a$tion there is an opposite and e4ual rea$tion# and the sing as ,eryun!orgi,ing% It $ame ba$" ith e4ui,alent !or$e% )ady sa it $oming !ull speed toard her# andshe turned to run# but that as as !ar as she got% +he sing hit her hard# and rolled her a !etimes% She as really mad then% She /umped to her !eet and ran to the sing# biting# "i$"ing andpaing% Soon# she be$ame so rapped up in the $hain that she as hog tied and lying on herba$"# !eet in the air# unable to mo,e% +hat as hen I de$ided I probably should do something%9y !amily all loo"ed at me strangely as I announ$ed my intentions% +he sing /ust beat up the $al!# so I better go res$ue her !rom it%3


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How 2ar) Do+s $et Teir Na)es

Ha,e you e,er ondered ho a !arm dog gets its name Well# let me e8plain it to you% +he

other day I ent to see a neighbor# art# ho is a !armer% As e sat ,isiting in his yard# I loo"edo,er to see a beauti!ul golden retrie,er that I hadn.t e,er seen there be!ore% ?e dog3 I as"ed% ?ot too ne#3 he replied% I.,e had him !or about a year%3 7ou training him !or hunting or anything use!ul3 I as"ed% He$"# no% ?ot unless you $ount riding around in the ba$" o! the pi$"up as use!ul% He.sgood at that% +hat and gettin. under!oot all o! the time%3 What.s his name3 I as"ed% *u!us#3 $ame art.s reply% 9y i!e named him%3 I histled and patted my le

Documents

Lifes Out Takes 6