lizmagaZineAUTUMN 2011, VOL.1 | for the lady taking flight. AU$5HUNDY

SOMETHING IN HERE | PETS | OTHER THINGS INSIDE | OH AND THAT OTHER THING | CONTENT STUFF | WHO SAID THAT | WE DID A THING | WHERE IS MY HAT | AND OBSCENELY MORE

contentslizmagaZineAUTUMN 2011, VOL.1

ED NOTE4

anyone, anywhere, everA photo essay by Marina Pliatsikas

6

a poemwords by Julian Lanarch

7

A Not-So-Teeny-Weeny Talewords by Roshelle ‘Dick’ Fong

8

a note from liz’s jewellery boxwords by Jacqui Breen

9

to ‘berra and backwords & images by Dave Mack

mix tape to londonwords by Neada Bulseco

10

impulsivenesswords by Cale Hubble

12

a night in with lizwords by Shannon Connellan

13

poppy goes the eddieaselwords by Julia Lenton

14 34

poems ‘n stuffwords by Emily Cheng & Diana Tjoeng

15

contentsnotting hillster roadtest

words & images by Sean Ohlendorf16

an ode to leggings & pumpsa tribute to Schaffer fashion

18

noms, so many nomswords by Bridie Connellan

20

the fridgeclippings from Liz Schaffer

21

how do you jew?words by Jonno Seidler

22

elizabethan poetrywords by Callie Henderson

23

magaZineAUTUMN 2011, VOL.1

tweet it to my face!legwork by Julia Lenton

24

the times we do haveimages by all, words by Harriet Gillies

27

100 reasons not to leave sydneywords by Andy Fraser & Shannon Connellan

32

oh the places you’ll go!words by Suess Engebretsen

34

poems ‘n stuff endnotewords by Julia Lenton, Bridie Connellan, Shannon

Connellan and certainly not Jane Austen

38

4 | liz

“Travel is a fascinating thing. It brings history to life, gives fiction new meaning, ignites our inner foodie and makes us talk

to that slightly disoriented guy in the corner. For various irrational reasons, travel encourages random encounters.

a fleeting word, look or conversation that’s darn near impossible to forget.”

- ms elizabeth schaffer,MISC. MAGAZINE

liz | 5

ed noteWhile there are few people who can

trigger enough creative content to fill a whole magazine, Liz Schaffer

could generate enough inspiration for an archive of back issues. In order to celebrate the wonderous woman that

is Miss Liz, we’ve put together the first official issue of Liz Magazine, the newest independent publication

on stands.

We all have a Liz story to tell. From debaucherous road tripping

to late night gelato seeking, shoe connoisseurship and being hit in the face with graduation caps, laughing,

crying, napping, drinking, baking, dancing, Lizzing.

While we would love more than anything for Liz to be in our pockets

always, the world is waiting to be explored by very stylish shoes. So all we can do is send her off to see new things, tread new roads, equipping her with all the love in the world.

This is by no means where we leave off, but merely a waving from

distant shores, with a hope to soon be sipping tea and chattering about the trivialities of everyday excellence as

soon as we can save the pennies.

We will miss you so much, and until we can chink glasses again we wish

you every Londonian happiness. We love you!

Jubrishan Collentoneditors-in-chef

[not a typo]

6 | liz

Two nihilistic young women, traipsing all through the city, champagne bottle in

one hand, plastic fork in the other - they ate pies and sundaes, spoke to strangers

and didn’t care who was staring at their rude behaviour in the art gallery. It was the continuation of a beautiful friendship

through what could only be known as - one of the greatest Ladydates to have

ever been experienced by

anyone, anywhere,

ever.- marina Pliatsikas

Life will take you many places, recall the names and record the faces.

Some evade time’s erasers, one of them is you.by julian lanarch

8 | liz

A Not-So-Teeny-Weeny Taleby Roshelle “Dick” FongOnce upon a time there was a teeny

tiny pebble. Everyone thought it was teeny tiny. Everyone except the teeny weenies that lived on the teeny tiny pebble. The teeny weenies thought the teeny tiny pebble was ginormous.

One year on the 30th of April, two teeny weenies felt too scared and excited to eat. The tiny teeny weeny they made together had finally plopped out into the humungous ginormous enormosity of the teeny tiny pebble. Watching the tiny teeny weeny wriggle her eeny meeny tiny

teeny weeny toes, they could only hope that she would, like them, unblinkingly accept the ginormous enormosity of their teeny tiny pebble and some day die happily and teeny weenily.

Years passed and the tiny teeny weeny grew into a beautiful teeny weeny, with the unmistakable teeniness of her mama and weeniness of her papa. However, more often than not she would imagine herself as a super teeny weeny. Unsure of the exact path towards this teeny weeny greatness, she could only continue with

her teeny weeny existence and secretly hope that some day, somehow, the pebbles would align and point her in the right direction. They did – North-West…

…and she lived happily and super-ly ever after. .LIZ

liz | 9

dear diary:Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t see you

there. I was admiring the way the light bounces off my body.

See that? That sparkle? Of course you did, you can’t take your eyes off me.

Don’t be embarrassed, I get this all the time. Oh it’s all these parties, these Sydney parties. I mean it’s just too easy to be beautiful. What do I have to compete with? That bracelet from Diva? Some Sportsgirl earrings?

Bitch please, don’t make me laugh. Liz bought me in Berlin and the camera loves me.

Hanging here on her neck I can’t help but attract attention. Some times I wonder if Liz should leave me at home, you know, give some other jewelry a chance to shine. And then I remember the way she lights up the room and I stop worrying.

Liz could make an Ed Harvey diamante grill look classy.

WORDS TRANSLATED BY JACQUI BREEN

TO ‘BERRA AND BACKDAVID MACK GETS ALL HIPSTA ON YOUR MATIC

jesus dave, you’re so alternative. vintage? more like win-tage.

a note from liz’s jewellery box

LIZ

10 | liz

Half-packed boxes spill across the floor waiting to be sealed, and your ticket lays partnered with your passport, glorified by the contrasting empty of the room. The time is nigh; London calls. Attend to the desires of the London gods of sound: seal those boxes, pocket that pass, tune into the reverberating cries of “London calling,” and ignore the morbid lyrics that punctuate “…to the zombies of death.”

The remains of a London winter sweep through the streets. The wind welcomes you home. The fatigue lifts as the cooling air and the sweet melody of Mumford invite you in. “As the winter winds litter London,” you greet the streets one by one.

THE MIX TAPE TO: LONDON neada bulseco struts piccadilly

The Clash E London Calling

The bags are checked and farewells bid. Sydney to Heathrow lays emblazoned across the screen, as ‘boarding’ flashes beside it. The tunes of The Rose Garden usher you to your seat. One last goodbye precedes your next hello.

The Rose Garden E Next Plane to London

Mumford and SonsE Winter Winds

As you wander through London, the sprawling parks make for the perfect pit stop to take it all in. The sounds of The Feist make for the a perfect backtrack as friends from foreign shores wonder “where in London to find you.”

The Feist E The Park

Learn from Metric’s wise lyrics and revel in the London life while you’re young. This is the city of hot young things making headway through the throes of growing up. This is the city where things can happen, where they will happen. This is your city.

Metric E London Halflife

The Magnetic Fields E Swinging London As you get caught in the tide of London city, friends a hop skip and a jump across a few ponds sense something is amiss. There’s an empty chair at the dinner party, a friend no longer a short drive away. Postcards and phone calls follow suit of expats past, journey far away to hopeful hands and ears, and eyes. Looks like “you went off swinging to London and forgot to come back.”

The Jam E Down In the Tube Station at MidnightYou’ve paced the pavements of paths across London, found familiarity in the nooks and crannies of alleys, noted landmarks, tracked the concrete terrain. Pubs have been discovered and new ales tested. The dark has long held reign, and so it’s time to go home. Hear the warning of The Jam and take a miss on the tube, they “don’t want to go down in a tube station at midnight.” Get home safe by late night bus, or maybe midnight cab. Lay rest in a new bed, new room, new home. And await the morn that brings more London delight!

DEFGHIJRN

LIZ

liz | 11

FIVE VILLAGES IN

BRITAINHay-On-Wye, WalesNot only does it have an awesome name, but Hay-On-Wye, on the Welsh border, has more bookshops per capita than anywhere else in the world. It sits at the end of a part of Wales called the Golden Valley, which stretches north from Tintern Abbey, which is well worth a visit on the way – one of the most atmospheric places I’ve ever been!! If that wasn’t enough, it hosts one of the most popular global literary festivals, being held this year at the end of May. Vanessa Redgrave will be there. So should you be.

Avebury, South-West EnglandIt’s a Druid site near Stonehenge, but no one goes there. Unlike Stonehenge, it is not next to a motorway, nor do you have to pay to get close. You can even hug the rocks, as Fat Chris is doing in this picture. Look how much fun he is having! There is something profoundly weird about stone circles, and this is one of the best parts of the world to see them. You can even try and strike up chats with all the pagans hanging around. Not recommended, but still.

Bagnor, West EnglandThere’s not much in Bagnor. There is an amazing old pub, but that’s hardly noteworthy. There is also the most beautiful theatre space I’ve ever been too. (Would you believe me if I said I’d been to a few?). If you don’t go and see a show at the Watermill Theatre and bask in its gloriousness, I will disown you. Not that you’ll have to worry,

CHRIS HAY tells liz where to go.being in London and all. It’s as close as I get to a sacred site.

keswick, north west englandThe Lake District. What a cliché. Imagine though, a place which not only has the intense physical beauty of the rest of Cumbria, but also has the World’s Largest Pencil. In a Pencil Museum. Yes, I am perfectly serious.

Portree, ScotlandIf I didn’t have to go there on a school trip, I would never have gone to the Isle of Skye; it sounds like my worst nightmare. I was so, so wrong. It is one of most spectacular places I’ve ever been, and also one of the most unusual. There is absolutely nothing there apart from people speaking a weird language only they seem to be able to understand (their principal occupation is laughing at tourists), but that is precisely why you have to go there. And climb a mountain.

Liz! Have a great time in England, and remember more exciting trips to Canberra

await you on your return to Australia! x Dave

DEFGHIJRN

LIZ

12 | liz

IMPULSIVeness by CALE HUBBLE

My own nature constantly debilitates me. I don’t care whether it’s nature or

nurture – some kind of genetic predisposition, or a result of my conflicted upbringing – it doesn’t matter. The way I am, the way I think, wedges shut the doors of opportunity that may otherwise open for me. Things arise; people enter my life as often as the next person’s; but my in-built nervousness forbids me from engaging with novelty. No matter how many possibilities pass me untouched, no matter how depressed I get with my static and dreary existence, I still can’t bring myself to take the plunge. I’m hard-wired to be dull. And yet I yearn to act on what I know is true: that impulsiveness is a virtue. I long to jump on board the first train that comes – no care for the destination, thoughts only of the now – but I lack the courage.

I read stories of people who have crafted their lives from the search for such fleeting desires; whose existence is pinned together by the indulgence of momentary drives and the gratification of immediate passions. I envy them. The impulsive one is like a lover, once every inhibition has fallen away: they feel everything so deeply and so strongly; they feel tears welling in their eyes at the slightest of sorrows, at the tiniest glints of joy; they touch and smell and look and write and take photographs and think. The pursuance of novelty forces them to be fleet of foot; like a glutinous deity this propensity ceaselessly demands new experiences, new locations and people to satiate its desire, forcing those under its spell to travel constantly. But just as the Greeks, compelled to sacrifice their prized beasts for their gods, were allowed to partake in the subsequent feast, the seeker of novelty also gains personal pleasure from her compulsive travel. Beauty is sought in every thing, and because it is sought, it is found. The way the light falls across a gravestone. The entrancing magic of a mask. The curiosity of making connections in foreign places. These enlightened individuals wrap themselves in beauty and inspire those around them – of whom there are many – to similarly seek the peaks of self-actualisation that the engaged life brings. For engagement is the crux of it. To lay claim to the moment, to hold the present time and place with all its knobs and crooks and difficult twists between your hands, to look it directly in the eye and to

own it – that is the province of the impulsive one. And it makes her unique.

But who could meet the standards I describe? Surely only the dead, who have been inflated by mythology – Casanova for his passion, Marco Polo for his curiosity; I doubt any living person could warrant my extravagant description. But any step towards the ideals they represent is a step that further infuses one’s life with wonder, so although the mountaintop itself may be reserved for myth, the winding, climbing path is free for all to tread. I watch my friends go forth, rise up the slope to see the enlightening view, and once they have had their fill, descend again to the plains of banality. But every so often, someone is so enamoured by what they see that they stay on the mountainside, hoping to be surrounded by fulfilment forever. Their new abode may in time come to feel like just another trivial valley, but until that time their lives will be constantly permeated by excitement. Thousands of discoveries, especially the smallest ones, will trigger thousands of tiny euphorias. They may sporadically miss the comfortable embrace of the normal, but they will quickly remember that the membrane to mythology is only an arm’s length away, and that such soul-enriching proximity well compensates for the occasional twinge of homesickness. So I remain jealous of their lofty camps. I look for them from my world of drudgery below, and in my mind I beg them to return, if only to reduce the discrepancy between our lives.

“To lay claim to the moment, to hold the present time and place with all its knobs and crooks and difficult twists between your hands, to look it directly in the eye and to own it- that is the province of the impulsive one. And it makes her unique.”

LIZ

liz | 13

A NIGHT IN WITH LIZNab the best blanket, top up the vino and

break out far too much dessert. It’s time to snuggle up for a night in with Liz.

Paired with much wine, shitty movies and rocky road, nights in with Liz are the ultimate in girlish splendour, ooohing at leading male actors, sighing at final romantic declarations, and chattering into the night. After fighting doglets Eddie and Poppy for spots on the couch, settle in for a lineup of the best cheesy films on the shelf. For Lizathons, films should be either embarrassingly owned already or rented from the local video store. Said store must still stock VHS and one must not wear shoes while browsing.

Bradley CooperthonIs your idea of a great night in watching the steamy Bradley Cooper fire a machine gun out the top of an army tank suspended by parachutes? Yes? No? Too bad, the play button is hit! Snuggle in to your bean bag, because we’ve unfortunately rented the revamped, recast and reNeesoned remake of 1980s television series The A Team. With a tagline proclaiming “There is no Plan B”, how can you pass this one up? Very easily, and oh god do it now.

This shrug of an action film stars frat Romeo Cooper, the newly badass Liam Neeson, faux tough girl Jessica Biel and That Guy From District 9. Elite commando unit is sent to prison for a crime they didn’t commit. They escape and want to clear their names. This stock standard storyline was rather forgettable amongst a whole lot of cooing at the Cooper onscreen presence with a certain Liz “Bradleyfan” Schaffer.

For an alternative Cooper watch, check out the poor man’s Love Actually, taking on a different holiday in the same format. From the director who brought you other heartlukewarmers such as Runaway Bride, Pretty Woman, and The Princess Diaries, let’s take a gander at Garry Marshall’s Valentine’s Day.

Let’s be honest, the film is just shit. Ten strangers’ lives intersect on Valentine’s Day. That’s it. Florist-with-a-heart-gold Ashton Kutcher is jilted by the randomly cast Jessica Alba. But bestie Jennifer Garner might just be (is) the girl of his dreams. Other mundane love tales involving Taylor Swift, Anne Hathaway, Topher Grace, Julia Roberts, our man Bradley Cooper and Other Big Names swirl clumsily around the shaky Kutcher fulcrum.

The biggest criticism of this film came from Schaffer Press, who pined over “not enough screen time for Bradley Cooper”.

Cooper films are best served in a Bellevue Hill lounge room with a tasty sem sav and

whole lot of cheese. For more (often shirtless) Cooper times check out The Hangover, Yes Man, He’s Just Not That Into You. I will too, having not seen these films. Ask Liz, she most likely has.

High School MusicalathonThe not-even-once-acclaimed cult classic High School Musical by indie filmmaker Kenny Ortega delivers a gritty look into the underworld of ‘High School’, in a terrifying tale of deceit, forbidden love and the horrifying lengths one will go to achieve greatness. Zefron and Hudgens take the lead in these three cinematic classics, as Troy Bolton and Gabriella Montez, star-crossed lovers from two households both alike in lack of dignity. Honour, love and friendship will be tested, as friends and foes dance and jazz square their way through to their final Graduation [Judgement] Day.

The only way to take in the true High School Musical experience is a full-blown marathon. By the time you reach the final Senior Year graduation, you’ll be so invested in the mundane lives of these toe-tappin’ teens that you’ll need emotional support. One Miss Liz is an excellent cuddle buddy as the final credits roll post front of DVD jump pose re-enactment. Foggily returning to reality at 3am on a Tuesday, you gon’ need some Schafferlove. Right Here, Right Now, it’s going to be a Night To Remember. You’ll need to Get Your Head In The Game, because We’re All In This Together. Win!

Modern Fairytales Starring Hunky Male Actors(athon)Nothing says ‘sleepover’ like a modern fairytale, stocked full of wild gestures of romance to coo over, musical numbers to awkwardly smirk at, and nine times out of ten a leading male actor worthy of many squeals and ahhhs (note: Tom Hanks makes up this

SHANNON CONNELLAN SNUGGLES IN

remaining one out of ten. Lovable? Yes. Kissable? Oh God no! NO. Just no).

In the event that Girls invade the Schaffer rumpus room, this type of film is a surefire addition to any movie mission. One particular bill fitter is the 2007 retro classic Enchanted. James Marsden and Patrick Dempsey battle for both Amy Adams and the role of hunky lead in this hybrid Disnesque romantic adventure. Musical numbers involving cartoon birds and cockroaches tidying an apartment give much glee to a room full of squealing girls.

The most important thing to take away from this film is whether you reside on Team Marsden or Team Dempsey. Amid copious amounts of rocky road and Verdelho, one must take sides in the Cyclops v McDreamy debate. Viewer beware, if one finds themselves on the Marsden bank, you may find yourself victim to a furious Lizlecture on the various pros of Patrick.

If the squeaky clean cheesiness of Enchanted has left a bad taste in the mouths of the slumber partygoers, let’s opt for something a little more grown up. For a fairytale with bite, Stardust is next on the menu. Complete with Claire Danes as a fallen star with ‘tude, Robert De Niro as a cross-dressing pirate and Michelle Pfeiffer as an outright witch, this film is a Schavourite addition to any filmic fairytale fiesta.

But where’s our hunky hero? This one is not easy to find, as our prince begins as a somewhat clutsy dweeb. As the film grows longer so too does Charlie Cox’s hair, and the now wine-induced ladies in the lounge room audience begin to appreciate this dude along with Bitchy McTroll Sienna Miller, who passed him up an hour earlier. In terms of narrative, even these modern fairytales are pretty predictable; you know how the story ends. LOVE! LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!

There are fewer combinations that generate pure happiness than too much chocolate, movies full of cheese and cringe moments, and Liz. So, it’s a Wednesday night, it’s raining and you’ve got a taste for Bradley Cooper. Who you gonna call? LIZ

14 | liz

pop goes the edDIeasel.

The long-limbed Poppy Schaffer pads into the lobby of Sydney’s Park Hyatt,

flicking her shiny caramel locks over her shoulder and adjusting her Hermes scarf as the lounging hotel guests look on in awe. She tilts her head toward the ceiling ever so slightly to acknowledge that she has seen me and moves toward me, fetching a glass of water from the waitstaff and checking behind her to see that her smaller, whiter brother Eddie is dutifully following in her stylish wake. Shaking my hand with a warm but reserved smile, Poppy sits down on the couch next to me and crosses her toned limbs, her attire glamorous yet professional. A few moments later, Eddie schleps to the couch opposite and mumbles a hello, a little too reserved for human contact. I take a moment to survey the brother/sister duo, sitting before me, just a little starstruck that I’m about to

talk to the founders of the rapidly-receiving-cult-status record label Eddiepop Records.

“So Eddie and I have twenty minutes and then we must be off”, begins Poppy, her accent betraying several years spent in London during her childhood. Her tone is not quite blunt, but she clearly means business, so I decide it’s best to launch right into the interview. After a few minutes of a rocky start – I tried to find out quite how young they actually are, a question icily received and swiftly ignored – the conversation turns into a passionate discussion about the artists currently represented by Eddiepop. While it’s clear that Poppy is the most vocal representative of the duo when it comes to matters of business and branding, the previously silent, unblinking Eddie becomes animated and unencumbered as he discusses the Indie bands and musicians on the label’s roster.

‘Red Frogs & Green Snakes, Little Crocodile, The Rockiest Road… they are fucking amazing bands, you know? There’s nothing more to it. Same with The Amazings. I mean, they really are… yeah… fucking amazing. And Messina Messiah? Fucking yeah. That’s what Eddiepop is about.’ In sharp contrast to his eloquent sister, Eddie speaks with an almost Canadian lilt, and I wonder if that’s the faint aroma of pot I can smell mixed in with the dirt and leather of the old grey jacket he’s wearing.

‘It’s been a fine line between diversity amongst our artists but also sticking to what we’re good at and what we know,’ Poppy interjects, speaking in soundbites. ‘It’s tempting to sign any band or muso we like and end up drinking with into the wee hours, but at the end of the day that’s not great business sense. We’re starting small, sticking mainly to Sydney for now, with plans to head interstate by the end of the year and overseas by the end of 2012, most likely to London. There are also plans to expand beyond the label in other ways, but we’re not going to talk about that just yet.’

With that, I realise the media savvy Poppy has expertly ended our interview, and I haven’t even asked about the pair’s childhood or rumoured troubled pasts. I wish the pair the best of luck for the AFRAIDS tour, opening in Sydney that night, and say I’m looking forward to seeing the photos from last week’s home shoot when the mag is released.

Less than half an hour since entering the lobby, the sibling odd couple are already out the door, leaving me with the distinct impression that this frenzied schedule is nothing abnormal for the pair.

“...moments later, Eddie schleps to the couch opposite and mumbles a hello, a little too reserved for human contact.”

JULIA LENTON CHATS WITH THE brains and bones, eddie and poppy schaffer.

LIZ

liz |15

pop goes the edDIeasel. Elegant; how I describe you to othersLovely; an adjective Liz uses frequentlyI would love to visit you in London - please let me sleep on your couchZebras wish that they had your stripes (ie your clothes)Artistic, amazing, awesome, accomplishedBrave - others talk about moving overseas but Liz actually does itEngland; it’s definitely where Liz belongs (not that she doesn’t belong in Australia but she definitely rocks the British style)Truthful; Liz has never been a fakerHappiness - I wish you endless amounts of it

acrostic lizby emily cheng

My Meco Years With Liz

Who is this Liz girlShe seems to top each subjectWhat a huge biatch But she’s so friendlyAnd she takes rad photographsI’m the huge biatch

(Written by Diana tjoengin terrible Haiku*)

*her words.

She bakes yum food stuffsI like to eat yum food stuffsShe gives me food stuffs She always smiles lotsAnd has a cool fashion senseShe is an actor

16 | liz

NOTTING HILLSTER

ROADTESTMaterials: 1 Sean Ohlendorf, 1 Hipstamatic App, 1 French housemate, Unknown quantity of strangers

liz | 17

Is my open-air loft suitable for tea-parties and does it come with a Frenchman? Yes. Yes it does. Tick.

But Sean! Where will I relax and read the Guardian once I’ve tired of my loft? In your living-room adorned with chic furniture of course! Tick.

What’s that? You’d like some dubstep with your flat white? Certainly m’lady. Tick.

There perfect indie cinema to go for it’s-not-a-date to impress your just-a-friend. Tick.

CUPCAKE. BAKERY. TICK.

Quick, I need to pose ironically in a film location! Tick.

A hipster needeth a bike. And must hangeth with cool people. In parks. Tick.

Roller-skating parties. Tick.

Mmm. It’s a good year. Tick.

You can’t expect me to go out there! In the cold?! WITHOUT MY PITH HELMET?! Vintage shops? Tick.

But where can I park my Vespa? Tick.

Oh and uh, music, I guess. Tick.

ODEAN

18 | liz

TOwhat can we say, the lady can dress.

BATWINGS AND FOUNTAINS, THE SUREFIRE TICKET TO A GRACEFUL ENTRANCE TO ANY EUROPEAN EVENT. WEEEEEEEE!

OH HI, DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE. SURE MY POWDER BLUE TRENCH AND SCARF OWN THIS WHARF.

CLASSIC BLACK, CLASSIC DANCE, CLASSIC LIZ.

IF SHE’S GONNA GRADUATE, SHE’S GONNA GRADUATE WITH SHOES WITH MORE ADORNO-MENT THAN THE FRANKFURT SCHOOL COULD HANDLE.

LEGGINGS &

liz | 19

CLASSIC BLACK, CLASSIC DANCE, CLASSIC LIZ.

GARMENT ARTIST IN RESIDENCE. FRESH AND FANCY FREE FURROWING FOR FERRETS IN A FOREST WITH A FLOWING FROCK. FAN-FLIPPING-TASTIC.

PUMPS

FESTIVE FESTIVAL CHIC. THE BESTIVUS OF THE FESTIVUS. OH PLEASE, PUT THE CAMERAS AWAY, YOUR LENS IS NO MATCH FOR THE ASTOUNDING EXCELLENCE OF MY OUTFIT. PAPA, PAPARAZZI.

LEGGINGS &

20 | liz

THE FRIDGEbridie connellan met liz’s rocky road before she met the lady herself. needless to say they have OUTSTANDING culinary adventures. Let’s...BILLSWe need hotcakes, and we need them NOW. In form as the tasteful culinary connoisseur Lady Schaffer has become, we’ll take no substitute for quality and by gum we’re looking for Granger. The staple restaurant of the avid Sydneysiding muncher, Bills is a hallowed celeb-chef haunt and much-loved foodie playground for Liz as the prospect of honeycomb butter and baked ricotta will have onlookers dribbling onto her Italian leather pumps. From Surry Hills to Darlinghurst to Woolhara, we’re not going home until we get some syrup. The lass even wrote about BG’s Choc Oatmeal Cookies, “Not recommended for anyone with a crippling chocolate addiction or penchant for porridge, lest overindulgence leads to a mini cookie coma.” This girl knows the consequences of Granger Danger. MESSINA“Gelato mission!” she cries.“No, no but what do you feel like for dinner, Liz?” you sigh.“.......... GELATO!”It is a truth universally acknowledged that a Liz in possession of $4.50 must be in want of Messina. Tucked inside a hideyhole of tiled wonderment in Darlinghurst, this coveted gelatery is nothing short of pilgrimmical for Ms Elizabeth, as the prospect of supping on a spoonful of Coconut and Lychee or a stickful of Almond & Cherry Jam has this lady smiling for days. Whether perched on stools on Victoria Street, or staring incessantly at the icecream wizards deep in the stainless steel innards, a trip to Messina’s with Liz is never wanting for drama, hideously girly chats or shrieks of ‘GIVE BACK MY PHONE YOU AWFUL PEOPLE!’, and is sure to leave you with a grin on your face and a waddle in your step. A word of caution however, those who visit this caramel coloured Mecca are sure to find themselves as addicted to creamy frozen dairy as this lass, ‘cause when the Gingerbread, Pavlova or sweet sweet Pear & Rhubarb cause your name, you gon’ make a Messina. DESSERT PARTIESThere seems to be general theme here. Sweetness ain’t just an element of Liz’s personality. But when the winter winds whip and the appeal of an evening in with friends makes itself A Thing, Liz calls a Dessert Party. Bring a dish, make sure it’s sugary, pop a champagne cork, enjoy good company. It’s for the greater (baked) good. The only downfall of this choc-filled main course is the propensity for attendees to call ‘SICK AS A DOG!’ by entrée. Of course by then, the ever-hospitable Ms Schaffer has already placed a dumpling neatly in your face.

COOKIE?Shall we halve? Yes, yes we shall.

noms, so many

noms

LIZ

liz |21

THE FRIDGEAT LIZ MAGAZINE, WE LIVE TO CELEBRATE.WE ALSO LIVE TO GUSH.grab a magnet for...

22 | liz

JONNO’S FOOL-PROOF GUIDE TO BEING A NEU JEW

Welcome to Judaism; do not pass go, give me back my $200 I need it to buy a new

pair of jeans. With your recent transformation into a member of the coolest minority group on the planet (and that includes gaysians), there are certain things you should know in order to successfully help you settle in to your new life as a yenta. Thus I have compiled a handy list of things for you to explain to British people, who you can now call also ‘goys’. Ah-mazing:

JERRY SEINFELD = GodBEASTIE BOYS = Three ApostlesSHABBAT = Sorry, I Don’t Work On WeekendsTORAH = Is Not On Ipad YetORTHODOX = LoopyULTRA-ORTHODOX = Fucking Bananas. REFORM = Double Stigma, Great Faor StorytellingSCHNIZTEL = Is Not Pronounced ‘Sni-tzel’SYNAGOGUE = Free FoodSMOKED SALMON = Dietary Requirement

how do you jew?NAZIS = British National PartyANTI-SEMITISM = Get Out Of Jail Free CardYOM KIPPUR = Better Than Atkin’s DietADAM SANDLER = Every Jewish UncleMARK ZUCKERBERG = Look Ma! I’m On The InternetBERNIE MADOFF = Probably Still A Legend (Don’t Tell Anyone)MARK RONSON = There’s Hope For A Jewish Husband, YetAMY WINEHOUSE = Just Not Necessarily For A Wife‘OF THE FAITH’ = I Am A Douche‘ONE OF US’ = See AboveHANNUKAH = Eight Days Of ChristmasPURIM = I’m DrunkSIMCHAT TORAH = I’m Still DrunkROSH HASHANAH = Pretty Sure My Rabbi Touched Me Inappropriately

Love you and I’ll see you real soon!Xoxo Jew-no Seidler. LIZ

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Hedda Gabler wasMy intro to SUDS and Liz‘Darling’ it was great. Will miss youBut London’s callingMay you shine. A Haiku is allBut tons of love too, for sure!Be brilliant Liz! by callie henderson

BY JOSS ENGEBRETSEN

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a small glimpse into the spiralling world of elizabethan social mediatweet it to my face!

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advertorial with stephen sharpe

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THE TIMES WE DO HAVE.

REMEMBER THAT TIME LIZ DID THAT THING AND WE PHOTOGRAPHED IT and got all nostalgic & shit? liz magazine was there and/or used liz’s photos without permission.

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Haiku for Elizabeth Schaffer by Harriet Gillies.Liz is so damn cool.

London please meet my friend Liz.Liz, This is London.

YOU TWO HAVE FUN NOW xoxo

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andy fraser and shannon connellan think there’s [clover] more to do here than festy london.

01. Parties at Penny Lane02. Art After Hours at AGNSW03. Shannon04. Speedos Café05. Dance classes at SDC06. The Sun07. Project 52 Wednesdays08. Dancing in silence next to

stegosauruses at Jurassic Lounge09. Press Releases from Julia10. Cargo Lounge11. Dessert Parties 12. Drinking tea at Penny Lane13. Nights of Bradley Cooper14. SUDS and The Cellar15. Manoeuvring Sydney traffic16. MECO kids 17. Manning Bar18. Stephen Maras19. Mask parties20. Marc Brennan21. Disney Soundtrack singalongs22. Late nights in the MECO lab23. Messina Gelato24. Blanc25. Watching movies at Penny Lane26. Arts Revue – The Bankables27. Megan Le Masurier28. Hermann’s Bar29. That harbour thing30. Harriet Whiskey Club31. Good God Small Club32. Eating cupcakes at Penny Lane33. Having Julia come to live with you

when your family goes away34. Myer35. Triple J36. Watching Julia fall asleep in a bean

bag with your dogs

100 reasons to stay in sydney37. Sundaes at Micky’s38. Hungry Kids of Hungary39. History lessons from Julia about the

wooden roads in The Rocks40. Honi Soit41. Picnics in Watson Bay42. Dancing the Ke$ha in the living room

at Penny Lane43. Beach time44. City Rail (you know you love it deep

down)45. Having a car46. The Brag47. Rubens’ self portrait in the AGNSW48. Verge Festival49. Chats at Penny Lane50. super FLORENCE jam51. Man roars52. Beat The System53. Sydney Festival First Night54. David Jones Food Hall55. Jew School56. Theatresports57. Eddie and Poppy58. Assorted reptiles that live downstairs59. Crashing at Penny Lane60. Captain Jack61. Cheese grapes62. Bananas63. Meat Pies64. Meet Pie65. Grey’s Anatomy66. slow internet67. shitty politics68. grass69. existentialism 70. jam donuts71. Ron Burgundy72. Koala’s (not a typo)

73. Eucalyptus trees74. Taronga Zoo75. Granny Smith76. Southern Cross tattoos77. riots 78. racism79. reliable public transport80. Kmart81. being so close to Antarctica82. living in the biggest island in the world83. going to a 21st every weekend84. warmth85. sheep86. shrimp87. pimp88. pimms89. The Sims 90. The Shins91. Thespians92. Nepean93. Ted Ian94. Kinda surprised95. Kinder Surprise96. Kinder surprises97. Home and Away98. Neighbours99. Home Andaweighbours100. Love.

Disclaimer:Some items may or may not be available in London. But it is definitely not worth the risk

1 Reason to Go To London:1. See Page 36

LIZ

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advertorial with emily eskell

1 Reason to Go To London:1. See Page 36

joss engesbretsEN SHAMELESSLY CLAIMS DR. SUESS AS HIS OWN.WHAT A GIT.

OH, THE PLACES YOU’LL GO!

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Congratulations!Today is your day.

You’re off to Great Places!You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.You have feet in your shoes.You can steer yourself any direction you choose.You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!You’ll be seeing great sights!You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?Yes! You will, indeed!(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!Today is your day!Your mountain is waiting.So…get on your way!

LIZ

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advertorial with JOSS ENGEBRETSEN

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May or may not be adapted from underground, avant-garde, small time writer, Something Something Austen. We found her more perusasive than our own sensibility.

We can listen no longer in silence. We must speak to you by such means as are within our reach*. You pierce our soul. We are half agony, half hope. Tell us not that we are too late, that such precious

feelings are gone for ever. We offer ourselves to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke them, eight years and a half ago*. Dare not say that friends forget sooner than Lizes, that their love has an earlier death. We have loved none but you. Unjust we may have been, weak and resentful we have been*, but never inconstant. You alone have brought us to Bath*. For you alone, we think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood our wishes? We had not waited even these ten days, could we have read your feelings, as we think you must have penetrated mine. We can hardly write*. We are every instant hearing something which overpowers us. You sink your voice, but we can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in

B. S. J.“We must go, uncertain of our fate; but we shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether we enter your father’s house* this evening or never*.”

*Skype, Twitter, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Myspace, Foursquare, MSN, ICQ, Chat Roulette*Guh? ?????*Trying to convince you NOT to go to Londonia.*Or will, eventually.*But we can TYPE.*Farewell Sloshfest

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Fly direct London to

*claim may or may not be true. or false. either way, we’ll be expecting your flight.

Sydneyfor as little as $1*.

AFRAIDS

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