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Losing You to Know True Love

By SmritiBorn 1994, F, from Ranchi, India

It s so easy looking into the past. You just have to be stargazing to have a lookat something that is millions of years old. It s probably not there anymore and what s actually there is something you won t get to see. It s so mesmerizing. And that s what I was doing, stargazing while waiting at the airport for my flight. Stars are the only reason I love the night flights. Don t get me wrong- clouds are fun. Imean I love imagining patterns just like everybody else but star gazing is moreof my thing. Trying to wonder what actually might have been when that particular star had first emitted light. Is it still there? I know there s no such thing asa favorite star because they are always changing their orientation but I still have one. Yeah most of you would think it s not possible to differentiate between two stars especially with naked eyes but I still know my favorite star. No it s not a part of any constellation and neither am I thinking of the North Star. It s just this one star that stands out to me. It s like the star is alone in the crowd, a mute spectator to what s happening down here. I don t remember exactly when I began thinking of it as my star; it s always been there for me for since as long as I can remember. Even as a child, I used to walk up to the bedroom window and look out to that one star wondering what it could possibly be thinking of. Pretty philosophical for a child but that s how it was.

And that was what I was still doing- gazing up at my star from the glass wall of the airport lobby wondering if my favorite star was still alive. . It was a permanent fixture in my life. Something to hold on to when I felt low. But I couldn't be sure if the light would disappear that night or the next. I could see thelight but I couldn't be ever sure when it would fade. It could be that day or the next but that would mean that my star was never there. That it was all an illusion; much like everything else in my life Cloudy nights made it worse. I knew that there were starts all the time but what about my star. Was that the last day I could see it? Maybe that s one of the reasons I've always found it hard to letthings go.

The call for my flight comes and I reluctantly move away from the wall. It s not that I am obsessed with my star. It s just like on days like these I can t help but s

eek comfort from the illusion of permanence. Making my way, I ask myself for the zillionth time that week if I was making the right decision. I mean I had a choice, we all have a choice no matter what the situation is, and I knew that my bailing out at the last moment wouldn't be a huge cause of concern. If at all, that would seem more rational than the step I was about to take. The question had plagued me for a week now. And it gave me a killer headache, thanks to entire nights spent stargazing, trying to figure out what I wanted. But finally I guess that deep down I wanted to go. Just to meet the girl who would get to spend her life with him.

To say that I was wary of my decision would be putting it mildly. I mean it wasall so tough and weird. No-one gets invitation to their ex-fianc s wedding, right?And even if they do, they don t go. And here I was boarding the flight that would

take me to witness the guy I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with marrying the girl he dumped me for. It s sad that I m not that big into premonitions and stuff. Otherwise I wouldn t have been making this trip. After all he had dumped me at this very airport- at the very spot where a few minutes ago I d been star gazing.

The memories threaten to overpower me but I fight them back. I m done with tears now. And whoever the girl was must have been truly something for causing him to fall so hard and fast. Trying not to think of what was to happen a few hours later, I turn to the window and continue gazing at the comforting light shining abov

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Mom was against my decision, and that was predictable. Maybe it was her strong opinion against it made me take the leap. I know she was feeling concerned over my state of mind but this was something I didn t want, but rather something I needed to do. Too soon the flight lands. My heart has started beating faster. I willit to slow down but it doesn t. It s like someone has pressed the fast forward button in my life and everything is happening at a breakneck speed.

I make my way towards the exit. And I see him now. Standing beside the most beautiful woman I ve ever laid my eyes upon. She s breathtakingly beautiful- Madonna inflesh. Black ebony hair flowing up to waist, large doe eyes complimenting her perfect face. As I stare at them the only thing flashing in my mind is- they makea beautiful couple.

They smile at me and I smile back. Strangely I feel no hostility towards her. Ifinally approach them. He speaks a few words in greeting and I reply without breaking into sobs. She has been standing there, smiling the entire time. I turn to her and I say a hello. She turns to look at him questioningly. I am confused. He s looking at the ground, shuffling his feet. He finally looks up at me and says she can t hear or speak.

We re in the cab now. Making our way to the place where other guests are staying.I m confused now. I ve a lot of questions but none I ve the courage to voice. His fami

ly had a problem with a tiny stitch mark on my lips on account of an accident Ihad when I was a kid. How can that family accept this? He s talking of how they met. She s teaching at the same school as he is- for children with special needs. He s translating all her questions to me and all my answers for her. She is a genuine person. Someone who could have been a friend of mine.

He drops me at the guest house and they leave. Later the night his mother comesup to my room. She s crying He s making a big mistake. And you know it too. It s not love why he s marrying that girl. It s pity. Please do something. I invited you so you could remind him of what the two of you had together. Save my son please.

I feel numb. For a moment, I can t answer. I politely ask her to leave. Saying I need rest. At least for now I know why they invited me. I should be feeling disgu

sted. But all I feel right now is tired.

Over the next few days, I silently watch the ceremonies taking place. Taking care that his mother doesn t find me again. As I watch from a distance as an indifferent spectator, I can t help but realize that what they have is genuine. The brightness in her eyes when he s around surpasses by far what I once felt near him. Andthe way he looks at her, it s like he has suddenly realized the reason for his existence. On the day of the wedding his mother is in my room again as I m getting ready. She doesn t say anything. Just keeps on looking at me helplessly. I know that she s not wrong in what she thinks either. But there s nothing I can say. I go to her and give her a hug. She breaks down completely. We don t speak as we hold on tight to each other. Finally she s all cried out. She still doesn t say anything. Shelooks at me with a sad, defeated smile as though she accepts and understands my

decision and leaves. I too understand what she s going through. She wanted a perfect princess for her only son. It ll take time but one she she ll realize that her son found himself his perfect princess. I just hope the day is sooner than later.

I watch them take the ceremonial rounds around the sacred fire. Taking the seven vows. Of promising each other to stay with the other not just for this, but for every lifetime. And for some reason watching them so happy and so scared fillsup my eyes with tears. I find it hard to bear bitterness for him now. He deserves his happiness and I know for sure that she s the key to his happiness. What we had once was good but inconsequential next to what they have together.

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At the reception I approach her on finding her alone. We just smile at each other and I feel a huge sense of liberation here. There s no way I can tell her all that s in my mind but watching her calm smile I feel that somehow she knows what s inmy mind. Not able to stop myself I hug her and whisper I wish I can become someone like you. I know she never heard that but I hope she understood.

I went to the airport alone. Waiting at the lobby I began staring up at the star again. I know not if it s there anymore or not but I know that its light will guide me for the time being, and that feels enough for now.

Stars tell the future. They talk of the past. But it s the present that they illuminate.