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1 Mindfulness for Coaches Improve all your coaching skills faster Through the power of your own experience By Michelle Flint (Edited by Glenn Livingston, Ph.D.)

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Mindfulness for Coaches

Improve all your coaching skills faster Through the power of your own experience

By Michelle Flint

(Edited by Glenn Livingston, Ph.D.)

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Glenn Livingston, Ph.D.

Coach Trainer

Mindfulness for Coaches

Michelle Flint, Career

Development Coach

Glenn Livingston’s companies have sold over $30,000,000 in consulting and/or coaching services. He has worked with over 1,000 coaching clients and directly supervised many coaches and psychotherapists, and his companies’ previous work and theories have also appeared in dozens of major media like those listed here. Glenn was raised in a family of over a dozen helping professionals (psychologists, social workers, counselors, therapists, etc.) It’s in his blood!

Writer, teacher, coach, mother of one and perpetual wisdom-seeker. Michelle loves helping people sort through their passions, talents and personal needs, in order to create ways of working that nurture their families, their lives and their deep need for meaning.

www.TryTheProgram.com

You can reach Michelle Flint at www.MichelleFlintCoaching.com

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A Little Story When I was first coaching I took a client who was not really ready for coaching. Stacy, as we’ll call her, missed appointments without calling to cancel; she only did her homework projects about one time in five, and when I asked her questions her usual response was “I don’t know.” To top it all off, Stacy was “her own worst enemy” in her business, meaning she caused most of her problems but couldn’t see it. As my southern friends would say, she was a hot mess. Stacy was not ready to take charge of her life, to prioritize her coaching projects in her schedule, or to take a deeper level of responsibility for her circumstances. But, she was a good person trying her best; she was over her head in her new business, and I had a lot of expertise from my own career that would help her. It was extremely tempting to just tell her what to do, step by step. What would you have done, in this situation? Fortunately, I have done some mindfulness training in my career, and applying it in this situation with my client gave me a solid framework for how to approach our professional relationship and how to avoid falling into the trap of rescuing her or forcing her to solve her problems my way. What, exactly, did I do? Well, we’ll get to that in a moment. But first, let’s talk about what mindfulness is, what it can do for your coaching career, and how to develop it through some simple exercises.

What is Mindfulness? Since mindfulness is not so much a concept as an experience, I’m going to ask to you play along for a moment to illustrate what it is. Please consider doing the exercise on the following page before reading further:

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Exercise #1: Chocolate Mindfulness Get yourself a piece of chocolate. Ideally, choose a nice-quality chocolate, something special. (If you don’t eat chocolate for whatever reason, chose some other small delicacy. Perhaps your favorite piece of fruit.) Open the wrapper. Notice the smell; inhale it and savor this for a moment. Notice the rich color. Take your time; settle into this experience for a moment. Now put a piece in your mouth. Instead of chewing, let it melt inside your mouth. Swirl it around, experience the texture as it melts. What do you notice about the taste as it melts? Does it change at all? Chocolate has over three hundred different flavors. How many can you pick out? As the chocolate melts, expand your awareness to notice other things you might be noticing, in addition to the chocolate: 1. What other sensations do you notice in your body? Tension? Relaxation? Where? 2. What thoughts do you notice? Are they about the chocolate? Have your thoughts

wandered away from the exercise at all? If so, notice where they went and then gently bring them back to the experience of the chocolate.

3. What feelings do you notice? Are you relaxed? Anxious? Impatient? Joyous? 4. What impulses do you notice? Are you struggling with the impulse to chew down the

chocolate? Do you have the impulse to get your usual favorite drink to go with the chocolate? To put more chocolate in your mouth? To read further in this book as you eat? Again, just take stock of the impulses you may be having.

Finally, go ahead and swallow the last of this piece. Slowly and deliberately, put another piece in your mouth and repeat the process. How did this experience compare to your typical experience of eating chocolate? What did you notice about the chocolate that you don’t typically notice? How much undivided attention did you give the process, compared to when you normally eat it?

Mindfulness is, simply put, being fully present to what is. It is about paying attention to the here-and-now. It is about experiencing what is, it rather than judging it, molding it to what we wished it were, or pushing it away. In opening to all that is here and now, we usually find that there’s more to now than we realized. There are layers to our

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experiences, from our senses, our thoughts, perceptions and feelings, all going on at the same time. Mindfulness is the practice of “waking up” to everything that is happening.

Two Routes to Mindfulness Mindfulness grows through two practices that go hand-in-hand together:

1. Formal meditation practice. While there are many kinds of meditation, mindfulness meditation trains the mind to stay focused on the present moment, and everything that contains. Once were are able to separate our regret of the past and our worry about the future from the present, we often find many more interesting things happening that we were previously aware of. Historically, many of the techniques in formal meditation come from Buddhism. However, you don’t need to consider yourself a “Buddhist” to practice meditation or reap its many benefits.

2. Informal mindfulness in everyday life. As we grow our ability to settle our chattering thoughts and concentrate on the present, we’re able to pay much better attention to the moments that make up our lives. We’re more present to ourselves, to the people around us, to our direct experience.

Why Is Mindfulness Important for Coaches? Usually, we are only dimly aware of all these layers of experience. It’s been estimated that 50-80% of our day is run on autopilot. We make choices in our day out of habit, both physical habit (how do I drive this car?) and mental habit (what road should I take to the office, the food store?). While we are doing these habitual things, it’s very easy for our mind to wander elsewhere. So we’re not only on autopilot; we’re often on unaware-autopilot. How many times have you driven your usual route somewhere, only to realize once you got there that you don’t really remember getting there? In life, this means we potentially miss out on much of what we’re experiencing – the good, the bad, the simple, the profound. Or, the unaware-autopilot may keep us stuck in circumstances we don’t like, as it did with my client. As coaches, this unaware-autopilot can create several problems for us. Without fully realizing it, we may:

Act from our own deep-seated fears and insecurities, rather than in the best interests of the client

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Rescue the client from their own struggle, which is uncomfortable for us to witness

Push the client towards a course of action that we would be more comfortable with ourselves

Talk more than listen

Give answers, rather than ask questions

Cut short a useful silence, out of our own discomfort with it

Allow unhealthy boundaries with our clients to creep in over time

Gloss over something important the client is telling us because it provokes uncomfortable feelings within ourselves that we unconsciously want to push away

See our thoughts and judgments about the client, rather than who the client really is

Allow anxiety about our own performance as a coach distract us from what the client is saying

Have a diminished ability to teach the client to become more self-aware themselves

There are (at least!) three ways that mindfulness training benefits us as coaches: (1) When we develop mindfulness as coaches, we train ourselves to become aware of everything that is happening – what the client is doing and saying, how we are feeling, the thoughts we are having, and the personal needs we have that ask to be filled in that moment. We become more skilled at seeing all of these things distinctly, like stepping forward and seeing all the brushstrokes in a painting. For example: we may notice our thoughts as untested assumptions, rather than objective reality. We may notice our feelings as arising from our thoughts. We may notice our needs as separate from the needs of the client. As we gain this clarity, we are more likely to act with intention, in the best interest of the client. We can allow the client to struggle, even though we ourselves are feeling a little uncomfortable. We can let the silence happen. We can hold on to our advice, and ask a question instead, if that is in the best interest of the client. Therefore, with mindful coaching, we are more likely to:

Give our clients our complete attention

Meet the client “where they’re at”

Make our clients feel “heard”

Accept our clients unconditionally

Get out of our coaching rut

Pick more intentional, appropriate interventions

Learn from our mistakes

Forgive ourselves when we do make mistakes

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Maintain healthy boundaries with clients

Help our clients become more self-aware

Allow the unfolding of insight that leads to the a-ha moment or breakthrough

Allow clients to develop their own solutions – empowering them, rather than ourselves

The mindful coach = the intentional coach

(2) Lots of research in the last decade is proving that regular meditation practice actually changes the physical structure of the brain. One change is that the insula, the part of the brain associated with our ability to empathize, becomes stronger and more energized. With regular meditation, we literally become better at empathizing with others. This in turn supports our ability to see the client’s needs, as distinct from our own.

More mindful coach = more empathizing coach More empathizing coach = more successful coach

(3) The more we live as an example of the benefits of a mindful life, the easier it is to introduce the benefits of mindfulness to our clients. Have you ever really helped someone, just by sharing an example of an obstacle overcome in your own life? This can happen as we “reclaim” more of our own lives through mindfulness. As we develop compassion and self-acceptance for ourselves, as we learn how to recognize and stop the downward spiral of negative moods, as we experience less stress, as our physical health improves, as we feel more connected to others and more in control of our own lives, we become a walking endorsement for a simple technique that works.

Think of mindfulness as one more tool in your coaching toolbox.

Great! How Do I Get Started? This book will give you several exercises to practice mindfulness with your clients. They are part of the “informal practice” of being more aware of the brushstrokes of the present moment. Ideally, pair these exercises with a formal mindfulness meditation practice. This can be done in as little as 10 minutes a day. Resources I recommend for this practice are listed at the end of this book.

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Self-Awareness for Coaches: Overview In the coaching session, it’s important to be aware of ourselves, of our own experience, as well as the experience of our client. When we stop and notice our personal experience, we find that it’s a jumble of several distinct parts:

Any of these can impact the others; in fact, the brain and the body are constantly sending information to each other about what’s going on. In this way, our posture can impact our thoughts, our thoughts can affect our feelings – and all of it can affect the impulses we have. It’s all connected, like a fresh spider web. The following sections include exercises to increase your awareness of each of these parts during the coaching session. With practice, you’ll be able to check in with yourself and notice them all as distinct from each other. Once you can see all these parts of your experience, you’ll be able to pay attention to how they interplay with your client’s

Experience

Impulses

Feelings, Sensations

Observations & Thoughts

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experience. Ultimately, this will help you see your client’s experience more clearly, and play the role of coach with more intention. But we’ll get to that later in the book. For now let’s look at the coach’s experience.

Self-Awareness for Coaches: Sensations Tuning in to our body sensations is a great way to start mindfulness practice because it roots us so firmly in the here-and-now. Have you ever woken up sore from overdoing it the day before? Maybe you spent too many hours hunched in front of the computer, finishing that report by the deadline. Maybe you just started a new fitness routine and your body isn’t used to it yet. Maybe you weeded and raked the entire yard in one day. At any rate, you wake up the next day feeling sore. What typically happens? For many people, that soreness puts them in a poor mood to start off their day. Damn, you think, I used to be able to do that. Guess I’m not getting any younger. The downward spiral of thoughts and feeling goes on from there: Where has my life gone? Why don’t I take better care of myself? And etc. Notice how this spiral didn’t stay very long with the actual experience of the soreness. It moved on to thoughts and feelings, which picked up speed like a go-cart running down a hill. Learning to notice, and stay present to, the sensations, rather than simply reacting to them, is one powerful way to cut this downward spiral short. It’s like a speed bump on the hill – it slows down the process long enough for you to pick a different, perhaps more empowering, reaction.

About Sensations Sensations may be pleasant, like the feeling of a warm drink when it hits the stomach. Sensations may be unpleasant, like tension in the stomach, raised shoulders, and aching feet. Sensations may simply be neutral, like the feeling of the chair on the back of your legs or the shirt on your skin. The trick is to notice them – and nothing else. No judging, no comparing them to how you think you should feel, or how you want to feel, no trying to change them. Just notice. As in, Hmmmm, that’s interesting. The beautiful thing? Noticing sensations without judging them helps drain them of their power to negatively impact the rest of our experience, such as our thoughts, feelings,

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and impulses. And, with practice, this noticing may turn many unpleasant sensations into neutral ones.

Exercise #2: Noticing the Body What physical sensations arise while you are speaking with someone? This exercise helps develop the skill of noticing that. What to do: Plan some quiet time after a conversation with someone important to you. It could be a family member, a relative, a friend, or even a client. If the conversation will be about something meaningful or important – whether pleasant or unpleasant – the Body Scan exercise will be even more fruitful. Do not tell the person that you plan to do the exercise after the conversation; just have the conversation as you normally would. Then, directly afterwards, find a quiet place to sit or lie down and do your scan. Start with the feet. Notice any sensation there. After a moment, move to the ankles, then the legs. Notice all sensations; describe them without judgment. There is no right way to feel. Give each area of your body its due time. Move to the hips, the low back, the stomach, the chest, the arms, the shoulders, the front of the neck, the jaw, the face, and the head. Take several minutes for the entire exercise, more if you like. If there is no sensation in an area, just note that and move on. If your mind wanders, understand that this is completely normal; just note that and gently bring it back to the scan. Reflect on the following: What did I notice? What areas of my body held the most intense sensations? How would I describe them? What (if anything) happened after I noticed these sensations? Follow Up Practice: Try the exercise several times. To mix it up, try the scan before you talk to someone, especially if it is going to be an important conversation. Notice any patterns that may emerge. For example, someone who tends towards anxiety may feel tightness in the chest, stomach or shoulders as a pattern. If you are experiencing frustration with someone on a repeated basis you may feel tightness in your jaw and face as a pattern. On the other hand, if you really enjoy talking to someone who is close to you, you may experience a lightness or flutter in your chest associated with love and connectedness. Going Live: Once you are about to do the scan fairly efficiently, try doing a quick scan while talking to someone. Can you recognize your tense shoulders or tight chest in-the-moment?

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Self-Awareness for Coaches: Thoughts Thoughts include judgments/assessments, comparisons, assumptions, memories, predictions, stories we make up to explain, expression of beliefs, etc. We also express observations as thoughts: there is a mug on my desk. Teasing out observations from other thinking is an important step in seeing the client as they are. But it’s easier said than done! Let’s go back to a session from my client in the opening story. Below are some thoughts I may have easily had during a session. Which of the following sentences are observations? Stacy has been debating whether to fire X for about 15 minutes now. I want to interrupt her before she gets more upset with her situation. I’m worried she’s just getting more and more stuck in her view of the problem. She’s worried about fallout from firing X. She’s worried X will try to turn the other staff against her; she’s actually a bit paranoid. She really has no idea how to handle these things. She probably has never had to deal with it before. She views her staff as the problem; she doesn’t see how her hiring practices and management style have contributed to the current situation. She’s very entrenched in blame right now; I wonder if she’s willing to see it differently? Of course it’s probably a defense mechanism; she’s also very insecure. There are several things I could tell her to handle the situation appropriately. I’m waiting for a pause so that I can say something. Did you see how the thought trail blended seamlessly from observation, to impulse, to feeling, to assessment, to assessment, back to impulse? Many of the assessments may have been accurate. Yet I don’t know that until I check them out and, if I’m not careful, these thought can run away with themselves down a spiral of judgment; before I know it I may lose the empathy for the client that is critical for my success as a coach. In real time all of these things happen in a split-second flash. Without mindfulness, they simply become part of “reality.” With practice, though, we can become more mindful of our thoughts as thoughts – we notice our assessments and judgments, our assumptions, our predictions as “thought events” (in this case, about our client) rather than as the reality of the client, of who the client actually is. An important note: becoming more mindful is not about becoming your own “thought police,” of suppressing your “unacceptable” thoughts. It’s about noticing, gently, what you are thinking as thinking. It’s okay to have assessments and predictions about your clients. The important thing is to recognize them as such. Recognizing your thoughts as thoughts will help you:

Separate the observations from the other ideas,

Hold your assessments, predictions, and explanation-stories as educated guesses until you are able to confirm them with more information, and

Prevent these thoughts from generating uncomfortable feelings (like performance anxiety) and, with that, impulses that can get in the way of your coaching.

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We’ll talk about the connection between thoughts and feelings/impulses next. But first, here’s an exercise to practice recognizing your thoughts during sessions and holding them in gentle awareness.

Exercise #3: 90-Second Life History What thoughts arise as we listen to someone tell us about their lives? This exercise will help you become more aware of your various thoughts, and separate your observations from other thoughts. What to Do: Invite someone to sit down with you and be the speaker. They will need to be aware of what you’re doing (as you’ll see in a moment) so it’s okay if they’re a family member or friend. In fact it may be most interesting to do this exercise with someone whose story you already think you know. Explain to your speaker that their task is to tell the story of their life in about 90 seconds. It may seem like a daunting task to summarize their entire life in 90 seconds! Reassure them it’s just an exercise…no one is recoding the story for the Library of Congress or anything. Having said that, their task will be to choose how to summarize their life, whether to focus on one area in more detail or to list all the highlights, etc. The short duration of the exercise forces people to pick and choose. Avoid any strategizing ahead of time for how the speaker will do this. Set your phone timer for 90 seconds. Start the timer, and let the speaker tell their story. Your Task: During the 90 seconds you task is to listen, without comment of any kind, to the speaker. If you are doing this exercise in person, eye contact (when culturally appropriate) and other body language that shows attentive listening is fine. As much as possible, make mental note of anything you are thinking during the story. Important: If the speaker pauses, runs out of things to say, or expresses other commentary on the experience (for example, Am I doing it right?), just keep sitting silently until the time runs out. After the 90 seconds is up, thank the speaker. Then take 90 more seconds to write down everything you can recall that you were thinking during the story. Reflect on the following: What did I write? What thoughts were observations? What other kinds of thoughts did I notice? Share some of your observations and assessments with your speaker. How accurate does he/she think they are? Bonus: What physical sensations did I notice? Follow Up Practice: Try the exercise several times. To mix it up, write down some thoughts you are having BEFORE you talk to someone, especially if you know the

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person well. Notice any patterns that may emerge in your thinking. Note, also, if your thought patterns change as you practice. Going Live: Once you become adept at recognizing your thoughts in-the-moment while doing the exercise, try recognizing your thoughts as thoughts in-the-moment during a “real-life” conversation – especially one that is more difficult, for example an old tired argument you may be rehashing with your spouse or family member. What happens when you stop the train of thoughts and hold them in awareness as “just thoughts?”

Self-Awareness for Coaches: Feelings Have you ever said, “I feel that this is the best way to get to the new store?” Or, “I feel we should go on to the next topic?” Those are actually thoughts. In fact, many people have difficult identifying their feelings and, when asked, respond with a thought or belief. What’s more, many people use the term “I feel” when they are describing their thoughts, instead of saying “I think…” or “I believe…” Learning to identify feelings is a skill, just like learning to drive a car or make an awesome piecrust for Thanksgiving (we’re still working on that one at our house). In some cultures, people express feelings openly and proudly. In others, feelings are awkwardly swept under the rug where we hope others won’t notice them. As coaches, the better we can identify our own feelings, the better we can help our clients. If we can identify our own feelings, we are better equipped to help our clients identify their own. And, if we can identify our own feelings, we can hold them in mindful awareness, acting in the best interest of the client instead of following our impulses to create more comfortable feelings for ourselves (see below). Feelings are like icebergs – there is usually one on the surface that is easier to recognize. Underneath it are often other ones that are harder to recognize. This may be because they are subtler, or because they are not as culturally acceptable to feel, or because they actually contradict the surface feeling. Below is a partial list of feelings that are often easier to recognize, along with similar feelings that may be “under the surface.” Use these to aid you with the next exercise. (Next page please)

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If You Feel This: You May Also Be Feeling:

Happy

Joyful Interested

Proud Accepted Peaceful Optimistic

Confident Respected

Fulfilled Hopeful

Courageous Inspired

Sad

Guilty Lonely

Depressed Bored

Remorseful

Ashamed Powerless

Empty Abandoned

Isolated

Angry

Frustrated Critical Hateful

Threatened Hurt

Suspicious

Resentful Furious Jealous Insecure

Devastated Violated

Fearful

Insecure Anxious Scared

Rejected Inadequate

Overwhelmed Terrified Worried

Ridiculed Humiliated

Disgusted Disapproval

Disappointed Judgmental

Revulsion Hesitant Loathing

Surprised

Startled Confused Amazed

Perplexed

Shocked Dismayed

Disillusioned Astonished

Next Page Please

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Exercise #4: The Feelings Iceberg What feelings arise as we listen to someone tell us about their lives? This exercise will help you become more aware of your “iceberg” of feelings and hold them in mindful awareness. This will greatly aid you to work with your impulses (in the next section). What to Do: For this exercise, it is easiest to start with a planned conversation (Options A), where the speaker knows you are doing an exercise. However you may also start with a conversation that happens naturally (Option B). Option A: Explain to your speaker that their task is to tell you everything they think/feel about a topic about which they feel strongly, for about 2 minutes. Examples of such topics may include: sex/sexism; death and dying in the modern world; money; taxes; education; political reform; raising children; relationships; racism. Let the speaker speak freely for 2-5 minutes. After the time is up, thank the speaker. Draw your iceberg (see below). Option B: If you take part in a conversation that stirs up strong emotions for you (either with someone you know or with a client), take some quiet time soon afterwards to sit quietly, without distraction, and sift through your experience for feelings. Draw your iceberg (see below). Draw Your “Iceberg”: Take several minutes to draw up your feelings iceberg. I suggest doing this privately so that you can be as honest with yourself as possible. This basically means, jot down the feelings you recognize most readily, then look again to notice what else is there. Use the chart on the previous page if it helps. It is not necessary to start with the six feelings listed in the first column of the chart – start with whatever feelings you recognize most quickly and easily. The important thing is to recognize the feelings you notice easily, the ones that are “under the surface” for you – harder to notice, or more uncomfortable to notice. Then do the Reflection Questions. Note: There can be more than one feeling on the “surface” of your personal feelings iceberg. Also, it is okay if you experience contradictory feelings (in fact this is pretty normal). Reflect on the following: How difficult was it to identify the “surface” emotion(s) of my feelings iceberg? How difficult was it to identify similar feelings underneath that? How okay am I with the feelings I identified? What are the main topics or situations with people in my personal life that “trip me up” and trigger strong emotions? With co-workers? With clients? Bonus Question: What thoughts or physical sensations did I notices associated with these feelings?

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Follow Up Practice: Try the exercise several times. Make sure you move on to Option B eventually. To mix it up, write down some feelings you are having BEFORE you talk to someone, especially if anticipate a difficult conversation. Notice any patterns that may emerge in your emotional responses to various topics. Note, also, if your patterns change as you practice. Going Live: Once you become adept at recognizing your feelings after a conversation, try recognizing your feelings as feelings in-the-moment during a conversation.

Self-Awareness for Coaches: Impulses By now you have probably begun to notice the interplay of sensations, thoughts, and feelings. These often culminate in impulses – urges to act. We want to soothe our anxiety, seek resolution when we feel impatient, create change when we are bored, get connected when we feel alienated, be reassured when we feel insecure or unworthy, and so on. This may happen so fast that what is actually this (next page please)

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WHAT USUALLY HAPPENS BEFORE WE ACT …May appear to us simply as this:

WHAT WE THINK HAPPENS BEFORE WE ACT

As coaches, these impulses may show up as what we might call “comfort interventions” – the things we are tempted to do with clients to make ourselves more comfortable. To illustrate what I mean, let’s go back to my client from the opening story, and see some hypothetical examples of how I may be tempted to make a comfort intervention:

Stacy is agonizing for several sessions about whether to fire an employee. I believe she has just cause. I am tempted to: encourage her to fire the employee, and give her some advice about how to do it professionally.

Stacy has not contacted me for several months for a session, even though she has two sessions left on her package and was working on a project that is very important to resolve her stress with her employees. I am tempted to: send Stacy an email about every two weeks, asking how she’s doing and encouraging her to take advantage of the sessions left on her package.

Observations

Thoughts &

Inference

Feelings & Sensation

s

Impulses to Act

My Action

Reality My Action

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At first glance, my comfort interventions may appear to be primarily for the benefit of the client – “in the client’s best interests.” However, if I take a moment to mindfully observe my own thoughts, feelings, and impulses, I will soon realize that I am advising Stacy because, underneath it all, I am anxious to resolve her anguish, and impatient also to see her make what I view as an obvious choice with her employee. In the second example I may be feeling impatient for action, anxious for resolution, insecure about my impact as a coach, frustrated with what I assume is a lack of motivation on Stacy’s part, or all of these things. The more readily we can see our own impulses, especially our impulses for comfort interventions with clients, the more we can choose whether to act on them or not. This in turn helps us to act in the best interests of our clients. The next exercise will help you gain skill with this important aspect of mindfulness.

Exercise #5: Just listen What impulses (especially comfort interventions) arise as we listen to someone tell us about their difficulty? This exercise will help you become more aware of your typical comfort interventions and hold them in mindful awareness. This will greatly aid you to work with your clients more intentionally (in the next section). What to Do: For this exercise, it is easiest to start with a planned conversation (Option A), where the speaker knows you are doing an exercise. Later you may practice with a conversation that happens naturally (Option B). Option A: Explain to your speaker that you want his or her to tell you about a problem they are having in their lives. It may be a problem that is new to you, or a problem with which you are already familiar. Explain that you are going to listen, and summarize what you heard at the end, but nothing more. Let the speaker speak freely for about 5 minutes. After the time is up, thank the speaker, and summarize what you heard as promised. Then, list your impulses for yourself (see below). Option B: If a friend or family member wants to tell you about a problem they are having, you can take the opportunity to practice this skill. In this case, listen as long as they would like to talk. During this conversation, just listen; resist the urge to respond in any other way. Take some quiet time soon afterwards to sit quietly, without distraction, and sift through your experience for impulses. List your impulses (see below). List Your Impulses: Take several minutes to go back through the experience and recognize the impulses you had beyond just listening to the speaker. They may have been impulses to give advice, to commiserate, to problem solve, to fidget or move around, to leave the room, to daydream, to plan ahead, to reassure, to argue or debate,

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or something else. List as many impulses as you can identify. Then do the Reflection Questions. Reflect on the following: What impulses did I notice? How many did I notice this time? Were any impulses easier to identify than others? How many of these impulses appear to be for the benefit of the speaker? How many seem to be aimed at making myself more comfortable? How okay am I with the impulses I identified? What patterns in my impulses emerge as I try this exercise several times? Bonus Question: What thoughts, feelings or physical sensations did I notice associated with these impulses? Follow Up Practice: Try the exercise several times. Make sure you move on to Option B eventually. To mix it up, write down some impulses you have BEFORE you talk to someone, especially if anticipate an uncomfortable conversation. Notice any patterns that may emerge in your responses to various topics. Note, also, if your patterns change as you practice. Going Live: Once you become adept at recognizing your impulses after a conversation, try recognizing your impulses in-the-moment during a conversation.

Now that you’ve practice identifying some of the parts that make up your experience, it’s time to put it all together and talk about how they can help your coaching.

Mindfulness for Coaches: Overview At this point, you’ve probably tried all the exercises and are noticing that your self-awareness in-the-moment is gaining momentum. Wonderful! Take a moment to appreciate how far you’ve come. Now, it’s time to really apply these skills to your coaching practice. The next several sections will give you some ideas for how to use all your newfound self-awareness in the service of your clients. Remember,

The mindful coach = the intentional coach In the next sections we’re going to talk about how mindfulness helps us with:

Being Fully Present

Total Support

The Gift

Right Action

Your Go-to Trick for Getting Unstuck

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Curious? Here we go…

Mindfulness for Coaches: Being Fully Present Being fully present means holding in awareness as much of what is going on in-the-moment as we can. It also means being here, now, rather than somewhere else. So what is there to be aware of, during a session? That might include:

Our own thoughts, feelings, sensations, impulses

The thoughts, feelings, sensations, impulses that our client reveals to us (directly or indirectly)

The way our actions impact our client, and vice versa

The dynamic between us and our client – is there trust? Mutual understanding? Etc.

The potential distractions in our environment

The way past sessions may be impacting the current session Part of being fully present is to add as many “layers” of these things to our awareness as possible. It’s all information that may influence our choices in the session, what we say and do. As we practice mindfulness, it gets easier to add these layers into our awareness. It’s hard to be aware of these things if our mind is somewhere else. What do we mean by this? Typically, it means our mind is in the future (planning, anticipating, worrying, etc.), or in the past (remembering, replaying, regretting, dissecting, etc.) We may be in the future or the past concerning either the current client, or something else entirely (other clients, our personal life, dinner that night, etc.).

Mindfulness Asks, Where Am I, Right Now? Once you begin practicing mindfulness you’ll notice an interesting thing: your mind wanders from the present repeatedly. Quite often, in fact. For many people, this happens once every few minutes, even with the desire to concentrate. Take heart, though. This is completely normal, even for experienced meditators. The crucial thing is to learn to recognize this more quickly, and gently escort your mind back to the present. This is easier if you are able to shine a light on your thoughts, feelings, sensations and/or impulses. Noticing them and calling them by name (I am worrying right now; I feel anxious right now; I have the impulse to tell my client exactly what to do) breaks the feedback loop among them and helps you tune back in.

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Exercise #6: Being Fully Present What to Do: The next several times you have a conversation with someone, notice if you are being fully present to the moment and the conversation. Every time you notice your mind is elsewhere, notice where you went, and gently escort your mind back to the present here-and-now. Be sure to appreciate yourself for having noticed – it’s an important skill in and of itself, and a sign of your growing skill in mindfulness.

Mindfulness for Coaches: Total Support Total support means standing with your people. You are the wing-man or wing-woman. An ally. You’ve got their back, come what may. Even if you’re calling someone on their stuff, you’re doing it in the spirit of helping them out. It’s a mind-set, an attitude, and it permeates everything you say and do, so that the client feels it too. Total support1 builds trust, and encourages healthy risk-taking. (Note to therapists: in counseling terms, total support is very similar to the therapeutic alliance. If you are not a therapist, just know that there is a lot of research validating the importance of an attitude like total support to the success of the coaching relationship.) Before we go on, here are some important things to remember about total support:

1. As the coach, it’s your job to give total support to both yourself and your client.

2. Total support does not mean letting the client have whatever they want, or do something inappropriate. It’s about accepting them as they are and where they are starting from. It’s about giving dignity to the human being.

3. Total support is about having positive expectations for the client because you

believe in their capabilities and potential. Expectations + Acceptance + Good Personal Boundaries = Total Support

Most coaches already have this idea of total support as a personal value. We want to believe in the dignity and potential of our clients – why else would we be coaches?

1 I first encountered the term “total support” in “Open to Outcome: A Practical Guide for Facilitating and Teaching Experiential Education.” By Micah Jacobson and Mari Ruddy.

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However, there are times when total support for an individual client may waiver. This may be a sudden experience – perhaps they do something that you find shocking – or it may creep into the relationship over time. With mindfulness, you as the coach will be more likely to notice when total support waivers within yourself. This is especially helpful when it creeps in over time – you may notice it sooner. Either way, when total support waivers, your go-to strategy for getting it back is to mindfully look at your thoughts, feelings, sensations, and impulses. Look at what’s happening for you, and separate those personal experiences from the client. You’ll see a practice exercise for this after we look at the next section…

Mindfulness for Coaches: The Gift How do we decide what to say to our client and what not to say? How do we choose when to ask a question, and when to offer a suggestion or “food for thought?” When do we challenge our client’s assumptions, and when do we let them figure it out for themselves? Fundamentally, we choose our interventions (when to speak, and what to say) with an eye toward what is in the best interest of the client. Christian Itin, Professor of Social Work at the Metropolitan State University of Denver, uses the analogy of gift-giving to describe this process of selecting interventions in the best interest of the client.

The Gift = What Clients Need, When They Need It Imagine that a friend of many years is giving you a CD as a birthday present. You like country and classic rock while your friend loves classical and show tunes. When you open it, would you consider it a more thoughtful, meaningful gift if they gave you a box set of Beatles recordings or the soundtrack from Oklahoma? (No offense to show tunes lovers.) Exactly. The better gift would reflect your taste, rather than theirs. This is the essence of The Gift. When you decide what to say to your client, when to say it and in fact how you say it, you’re considering what they need in that moment, rather than what you (the coach) need. You’re offering it to them as you would offer an old friend a special gift – with them in mind. With mindfulness practice, you’ll get better at offering your clients meaningful Gifts because you’ll be more aware of their needs as separate from you own. A key ingredient in sorting this out is being aware of your own impulses for comfort interventions. For example, if you learn that your impulses tend toward confronting your

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clients, because you feel impatient to see action, you may become more aware of when that’s in their best interests and when it may not be. On the other hand, if your impulses tend toward complimenting and reassuring your clients, because feeling connected is your top emotional need, you may start to look for opportunities to gently confront clients when called for, even though you may feel a bit uncomfortable doing it.

Exercise #7: Total Support & The Gift What to Do: The next time your spouse, child, sibling, or other close relationship starts to irritate you with an old habit, problem, or complaint, take a different approach. Commit to an attitude of Total Support. You don’t need to express this verbally; just work on conveying the message “I’m on your side” with everything you do and say. It doesn’t mean you accept everything they do and say. It means you approach the situation with the mindset, “I am not going to give up on you. I am your ally to figure this out.” See if you can offer them a Gift during the conversation, rather than acting on your own comfort impulses to criticize, withdraw, offer unsolicited advice, or whatever you usually do. Reflect on This: How did Total Support change what you did or said? What Gift did you offer this person? How did the conversation turn out, compared to previous times?

Mindfulness for Coaches: Right Intention So now you’ve practiced diligently the exercises in this book. You’re getting pretty good at being fully present, holding your own comfort impulses in check, and offering your clients Total Support and various Gifts. You can now expect all of your clients to turn on a dime, overcome their greatest obstacles and achieve their biggest dreams in lightning speed, right? Well, not exactly. That’s what this section is about. In Buddhism there is a practice called Right Intention. (While this book isn’t about Buddhism per se, Buddhism philosophy - rather than Buddhism, the religion - is the source of many key concepts and techniques in mindfulness training.) Right Intention basically has three parts: intend to have good will, intend to do no harm, and intend to “renounce” or let go of desire (for a particular thing or outcome). In terms of coaching, here’s your takeaway:

Right Intention = Do Your Best, Let Go of the Rest

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What does this mean for coaches? In coaching, we may have a perspective that our clients do not. We may have an insight they do not. And, we may have a strong preference for what they should do next. In short, it’s easy for us as coaches to get pretty “attached” to a preferred outcome for our clients. The problem with this is that our insight about their situation may be light years ahead of our client’s, and we may want them to do something they are just not ready to do – as if we are asking them to leap-frog over their own process. Or, we may be attached to our client doing things our way – without giving them the opportunity to solve their own problems. So, do your best as a coach, and let go of your expectations for what will happen next. Let go of your desire for the choices your client may make. Let go of a timeline for your client to reach their goals (or whether they will reach them). Well, you may ask, if I let go of those things, how do I know if I’m doing a good job as a coach? What’s the difference between letting go of the results and just doing a lousy job? Great question. While there is no cookie-cutter answer, here are three important things to ponder:

1. Are you mindful of your thoughts-feelings-sensations-impulses, and are you able to separate those things from the needs of your client?

2. Having separated those things from the needs of your client, are you doing your best to act in the best interest of that client (Right Intention)?

3. Is your client moving forward, and thinking new thoughts? If you can answer yes to those questions, then chances are you are doing a good-enough job as a coach, even if things are not turning out the way you thought they would. This should help you “let go of the results” without letting go of your desire to do right by your client. Let’s go back to my client Stacy for a moment to see how this pans out with a specific person. Revisiting the scenarios from earlier, let’s see how they turn out if, instead of comfort interventions, I act with more mindfulness and with Right Intention:

Stacy is agonizing for several sessions about whether to fire an employee. I believe she has just cause.

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o Instead of: Encouraging her to fire the employee, and giving her some advice about how to do it professionally…

o I might: Invite her to describe what her choices might be, how each choice might play out, and how she might respond to each. I might also tell her that, once she makes a choice, I can give point her toward human resources professionals that can give her the latest advice for how to enact her decision professionally and legally.

Stacy has not contacted me for several months for a session, even though she has two sessions left on her package and was working on a project that is very important to resolve her stress with her employees.

o Instead of: Sending Stacy an email about every two weeks, and encouraging her to take advantage of the sessions left on her package…

o I might: Send Stacy one email reminder and then let it go. She knows how to find me and when she’s motivated enough to make a change she will contact me. I may also include a gentle reminder about when the package expires. (I may also make sure she is on my email list to receive free articles from my blog, to make sure I keep myself in her mind and continue to add value to our relationship.)

Exercise #8: Right Intention Re-Do What to Do: Think about a session you’ve had recently with a client, when you know you struggled to “do your best, let go of the rest” – in other words, a session when you tried too hard to control the outcome based on your own impulses or your own opinion about what was best. (If you don’t have any clients you can use an experience from your personal life.) Replay the conversation in your mind. Can you spot the place where you might have acted differently, with more “Right Intention?” If so, jot down the scene, what you learned, and what you might have done differently. Then play the new scene in your mind, with the alternate choice you just wrote down. Replay this alternate choice several times, giving yourself some good mental practice. Do this with a couple of different client sessions or personal experiences. Can you spot any patterns – topics or dynamics when it’s especially hard for you stop your comfort impulses? (Don’t worry, everybody has one. It’s quite commendable just to be able to recognize what yours is, and learn from it.)

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Going Live Commit to doing this after each of your client sessions. You’ll learn the habit of Right Intention faster, and soon you’ll be able to “do your best, let go of the rest” more easily during sessions, too.

Mindfulness for Coaches: Your Go-To Trick By now, if you’ve been practicing the exercises, you know that developing mindfulness is simple – yet requires practice. You’ve probably had practice sessions that went swimmingly, and others that fell flat. Most likely, you’ve found that sometimes it’s just very hard to get a handle on your impulses and your attachment to the choices you want your client to make, even if you’re somewhat aware of them. (Kind of like the impulse to just gobble up the chocolate.) Here’s a little trick to help with that. In fact, you might think of it as the glue that holds all of these mindfulness skills together. It will help you stay engaged in the present, explore your own experience with some detachment and help you stay open to what your client chooses to do next. Do you know what it is? (I’ll give you a hint: you’re probably experiencing it right now.) It’s curiosity. Think about it for a minute: If you’re curious, you’re receptive to what is, rather than stuck in wishing for what might be, could have been or what “should” be. In fact, it has the potential to help you turn on a dime when you’re feeling stuck in your own stuff, even in the middle of a session. Here’s how it might play out with my client Stacy, assuming I’ve developed some mindfulness but can’t always manage my impulses yet:

Stacy is agonizing for several sessions about whether to fire an employee. I believe she has just cause. I notice my impulse: to encourage her to fire the employee and give her some advice about how to do it.

I might ask myself, “She seems really stuck with this decision. I wonder how she will resolve it?”

I might also ask myself, “I wonder what she needs in order to get unstuck with this decision?”

I might then ask myself, “I wonder what support structure she might need

in her life to help her through this decision?”

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As you can see, the first bit of curiosity starts a cascade that may lead me in the direction of a different intervention. This new direction may be a lot less directive, more in keeping with Right Intention. And it will probably feel much more effortless than if I just resisted my impulse with sheer willpower (although that is okay too, if it works).

Getting Curious You can practice the habit of curiosity just like you practiced the skill of Right Intention (see below). You can also put little reminders in front of you wherever you do your coaching – for example, a sign above your computer that says “Be curious.” Or a big question mark. Or a dog with its ears raised and head tilted to the side – whatever works. For now, try this:

Exercise #9: Cultivating Curiosity What to Do: Think about a client you have who is stuck on something – or typically gets stuck on the same thing. (If you don’t have any clients right now, think about someone in your personal or work life). Replay the scene in your mind. At the part where they get stuck, ask yourself some questions to get more curious about their stuck-ness. An easy way to start the question is with the phrase, “I wonder…” Generate as many curiosity-questions as you can (at least three). Write them down. After each question you wrote, write some ideas for what you might say to the client in-the-moment if you were to replay the scene. For example if you wrote, “I wonder what she needs in order to get unstuck with this decision?” you might ask your client, “I wonder, if you were going to go with your gut right now and make a decision, what would it be?” Then play the new scene in your mind, with the alternate choice you just wrote down. Replay this alternate choice several times, giving yourself some good mental practice. Going Live Commit to doing this after each of your client sessions. You’ll learn the habit of curiosity faster, and soon you’ll be able to generate curiosity more easily during sessions, too.

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Mindfulness for Coaches: Doing Formal Meditation Until now we’ve focused on mindfulness for coaching. Seems great, you say. Why do formal meditation as well? Don’t I have one-stop-shopping right here with the exercises in this book? Don’t get me wrong – the exercises in this book will take you pretty far, if you do enough of them. Yet, adding in a formal meditation course will benefit you in the following ways:

Typically, formal courses are about eight weeks long and ask you to meditate every day (even if only for 10 minutes). Getting into the habit of daily, ongoing practice will simply train your mind faster. And…

Research using fMRI shows that as little as eight weeks of daily meditation practice can start to create the positive, physical changes in the brain and body (such as improved immune response, better sleep, reduced anxiety and depression, a more active empathy center in the brain, and more). And…

Formal meditation courses will focus on “just you” – not you vis-à-vis your clients. When you sit down to do your meditation practice every day, you’ll work with whatever comes up for you, in your life globally. And…

You’ll typically learn additional techniques for dealing with stressors and issues that are beyond the scope of this book and therefore not covered here (such as pain management, facing personal difficulties or trauma, and bringing mindfulness into everyday tasks).

So, I encourage you to try a formal meditation course. You can do this in person, online or from a book. Selected resources are in the Resources section at the end of this book. You may also find courses you like in your own community, often in meditation centers, yoga studios, community/senior centers, and places of worship.

Mindfulness for Coaches: Additional Skills to Consider Once you start to focus on Right Intention, you may find yourself in situations where you want to “do no harm,” but don’t have the words or interpersonal skills to express your intention. For example, it wasn’t until I read a wonderful little book called Getting to Yes that I started learning how to negotiate without being a total pushover. (Remember, of course, that Right Intention means doing no harm to all parties, including yourself.) If you believe you could use some skill building in your interpersonal communication, see that section in the Resource page (or, hire a communication coach!).

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Final Thoughts: What to Expect for Yourself Jon Kabat-Zinn, Professor of Medicine emeritus at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, has been a pioneer in researching how mindfulness meditation practice can help people cope with stress, anxiety, pain, and illness. A longtime meditator himself, he’s written several books on the subject (see the Resources page). In his books and in-person classes he stresses that “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” What does he mean by this? Basically, it means that people often start meditation or mindfulness practice with the hope that it is a magic bullet to cure the condition of, well, being human. That is, that mindfulness and meditation will eliminate the emotional thunderstorms in our mind, give us perpetual calmness in any storm, cure our tendency to get excessively attached to things and people and bad habits, and render us immune to the stresses of the world. If only… Mindfulness meditation does help us see the sources of these troubles more clearly and more quickly, and to develop a different relationship to them. This helps us manage them more nimbly. In his book Wherever You Go, There You Are, Kabat-Zinn says:

That doesn’t mean that calmness is unattainable. It’s just that it cannot be attained by misguided attempts to suppress the mind’s natural activity. It is possible through meditation to find shelter from much of the wind that agitates the mind. Over time, a good deal of the turbulence may die down from a lack of continuous feeding.

Life happens. Some of it is pleasant, some of it is unpleasant. We can’t always change that. What we can change is how we react to it, in our mind. This is the essence of mindfulness meditation, and what Kabat-Zinn means by “a lack of continuous feeding.” When something unpleasant happens, we can make it worse for ourselves by brooding, worrying, lashing out, replaying the incident in our minds repeatedly, and so on. This is the “continuous feeding” that turns the brief storm into an extended hurricane. You probably see where I’m going with this. As you learn the skills of mindfulness, through this book’s exercises and through formal meditation, you can expect (over time) to get better at learning to surf the waves of life. It doesn’t come overnight, but it does come. As you practice, try to let go of any big expectations for yourself for what it’s going to be like, or how soon you’ll see results. Some things to remember:

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Learning meditation (and the skills of mindfulness) takes some commitment. Like learning to play the violin, you have to be willing to practice.

Learning the skills takes time. Chances are, things will unfold gradually like a garden growing, rather than like a set of fireworks going off.

It’s a lifelong process. There will always be new layers to peel, more like an onion than like an apple (where you know you’re “done” once you find the core).

So, have patience for the process, and have patience for yourself. Although it does take some time and some commitment, there will be little nuggets of calm, and of success with clients, that will reward you for your efforts and energize you for the rest of the journey.

www.TryTheProgram.com

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Additional Resources

On Mindfulness

www.mindful.org

An online magazine devoted to mindfulness meditation. Includes articles explaining the benefits, steps for getting started, and tips for choosing a meditation instructor.

Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness. By Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD.

One of the early books to outline the “science of mindfulness” as well as describe the mindfulness-based stress reduction program at the University of Massachusetts Memorial Medical Center. A classic, now in its second edition.

Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World. By Mark Williams, PhD and Danny Penman, PhD.

A simple, straightforward meditation course. Includes lots of easy-to-understand information about the latest brain and psychology research on the benefits of meditation and mindfulness. Also includes an extensive resource section.

Peace is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life. By Thich Nhat Hanh.

Hanh is one of the most accessible Buddhist authors in meditation and mindfulness. A Buddhist monk and refugee from Vietnam, Hanh resides in France and has dedicated his life to peace activism and bringing mindfulness to the West. This book is a collection of short essays and personal stories on mindfulness. An easy, thoughtful read.

Wherever You Go, There You Are. By Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD.

A book on mindfulness and meditation for people who don’t like formal, structured programs like the one offered in Full Catastrophe Living, or whose lives are not dominated by pain or illness. More of an exploration than a manual, but with lots of little “Try This” exercises included.

On Interpersonal Skills The Center for Nonviolent Communication (https://www.cnvc.org/).

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A method of communication developed in the 1960s, now an international organization that trains people in 65 countries how to express themselves in terms of observations, feelings, needs and requests.

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Mattes Most. By Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen.

A pragmatic how-to guide for having the conversations that are hardest to have. Includes skill-builders in expressing yourself and guiding others to express themselves better as well. Part of the Harvard Negotiation Project, these guys have advised everyone from couples to businesspeople to governments. A compelling read.

Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement without Giving In. By Roger Fisher and Willaim Ury.

Also from the folks at the Harvard Negotiation Project. The authors successfully find the middle ground between getting angry and “getting taken” with this step-by-step guide. Like Difficult Conversations, one of this book’s greatest strengths is teaching you how to guide the other person to join you in “principled negotiation.” Use it with clients, and teach clients to use it themselves.

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Glenn Livingston, Ph.D.

Coach Trainer

Mindfulness for Coaches

Michelle Flint, Career

Development Coach

Glenn Livingston’s companies have sold over $30,000,000 in consulting and/or coaching services. He has worked with over 1,000 coaching clients and directly supervised many coaches and psychotherapists, and his companies’ previous work and theories have also appeared in dozens of major media like those listed here. Glenn was raised in a family of over a dozen helping professionals (psychologists, social workers, counselors, therapists, etc.) It’s in his blood!

Writer, teacher, coach, mother of one and perpetual wisdom-seeker. Michelle loves helping people sort through their passions, talents and personal needs, in order to create ways of working that nurture their families, their lives and their deep need for meaning.

www.TryTheProgram.com

You can reach Michelle Flint at www.MichelleFlintCoaching.com

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