Monroe's Motivated Sequence

Written By

Scott Geier & Zeb Eckles

Copyright 2006

INT. (CU) NEWSPAPER WANT-ADS

A pair of hands opens the classifieds of the Chicago Gazette as the camera quickly scans across the ads in the employment section.

The camera stops on one ad, as the hand circles it in red ink:

SECOND WANTEDReliable second needed for duel to the death this Saturday at the parking lot behind the Wal-Mart on Maple Avenue in Joliet. Experience with swordplay and musketry a plus. Interviews Wednesday at 1416 Sullivan Street, suite 4.

CUT TO:

INT. SPARSELY FURNISHED OFFICE – DAY

ROB MONROE, a former staff writer for a successful family sitcom, enters the room. He is in his late thirties, dressed in a suit and tie, but clearly uncomfortable in business attire.

ROB walks over to the large corner windows and stretches out his arms and takes a deep breath.

ROBAh..finally. My own office. My lair. My inner sanctum. Already I’m talking to myself.

ROB sits down in the chair behind his desk and kicks his feet up. He checks his watch, then quickly gets up, shuts the door and closes the blinds.

He sits back down in his chair and begins to unbuckle his belt, then stops himself.

ROBNo. Too soon.

There is a knock at the door.

ROB’s secretary, NADIA PAVLOCHOV, enters the room. She is a Russian woman in her late twenties, very tall (taller than ROB), robust, and beautiful in a mysterious, almost menacing way. She has a thick accent and often bungles the English language.

NADIAThere is already five people waiting outside door. No, four. I think one man is, eh, just without home.

ROB straightens his tie and sits up straight in his chair.

ROBPerfect. I want my guys hungry. Send him in.

A dirty, disheveled HOMELESS MAN enters the room.

He pauses in the doorway and hopelessly smoothes his hair and straightens his posture. He walks over to ROB’S desk and looks for a chair. ROB gets up.

ROBHere, take mine.

ROB rolls his chair to the other side of the desk. The man sits down and ROB stands, awkward and unsure of what to do with his hands. ROB sits on the edge of desk and studies the man for a moment.

ROBHow about the traffic this morning, eh?

The HOMELESS MAN gives ROB a deadpan stare. ROB tries to move past his faux pas.

ROBLet’s cut to the chase: what’s your favorite TV commercial, all-time?

MANI quit watching TV after the CIA put a bug in my head.

ROB nods, unsure of how to respond to this.

MANBut I guess I’d go with that one where Mean Joe tosses his jersey to the kid. Classic. ROB shakes his head in disappointment.

ROBI’m gonna level with you, Steve. You came in, I expected ‘cutting edge’. Loose cannon. You gave me cliché. Thank you for your time.

There is an awkward pause. The homeless man is confused, and yet disappointed. He starts to get up. ROB stops him.

ROBTell you what. Give you ten bucks if you can bring me back another chair.

The homeless man grins and walks quickly out of the office.

ROB notices a telephone with intercom system on the desk. He picks up the receiver and pushes the intercom button.

ROBNadia, could you--

ROB hears the sound of his voice on the other side of the door; the intercom is on the fritz: it is absurdly loud, deep and ominous sounding.

ROBNADIA, BRING ME YOUR FIRST BORN SON! And a mocha latte. (pause) Seriously, could you get me on the horn with Money Man?

NADIAActually, he just walk in the door.

MONEY MAN walks into Rob’s office. He is in his early 40’s, bald, with the well-groomed appearance and expensive suit of a successful businessman.

MONEY MANWow, you’re actually here before me. That’s gotta be a good sign.

ROBI’m a changed man.

MONEYThen we’re doomed. Listen, I’ve already made some contacts. If you can get a team together by the end of the week, I’ll line up some clients who are ready to hear a pitch or two.

ROBWell, I’ve already finished one interview.

MONEYThat guy I passed on the way in?

(MORE)

What’s his story? Looks like a MONEY (CONT'D)

bum.

ROBHe used to be a TV producer.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR – DAY (FLASHBACK)

The homeless man (STEVE), now cleaned up and wearing a suit, is riding in a supped-up Monte Carlo with a Denzel Washington look-alike, a la Training Day.

Denzel slams on the brakes in the middle of an intersection, puts a gun to STEVE’s head. STEVE is holding a glass pipe.

DENZELI said smoke it, cracker! Now smoke it!

STEVE takes a hit from the pipe.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR – LATER THAT DAY

STEVE is now strung-out on the drugs. His cell phone rings.

STEVESo it’s a cop show, set on the beach, and the hook is, they’re on BICYCLES?!

(beat)I love it! But it’s missing something… Get me Mario Lopez and we’ve got a deal!

OPENING CREDITS/THEME SONG SEQUENCE

INT. ROB’S OFFICE – DAY

ROB shakes hands with his latest interviewee, who gets up and leaves the office. ROB rubs his temples in frustration.

NADIA enters the office with a cup of coffee.

ROBIs that the last one?

NADIAA girl just walked in, but I don’t

(MORE)

think she’s here for the interview.NADIA (CONT'D)

ROBHow do you know?

NADIAI smell no fear from her back end.

ROB is genuinely disturbed by this comment. NADIA winks, and ROB smiles nervously.

ROBYou frighten me, Nadia. Good work, keep it up.

NADIA leaves the office.

Seconds later, DEBBIE SIMMS, a perky, fresh-faced girl in her mid-twenties, enters the room and exchanges greetings with Rob. The two sit down.

DEBBIESo are you the guy that placed the want ad?

ROBMaybe. Why?

DEBBIEI’m from the newspaper. I took the ad.

ROB leans back in his chair and narrows his eyes in suspicion.

ROBSo what’s your angle?

DEBBIEJust curious. Thought there might be a story in it.

ROB leans closer to DEBBIE and opens his eyes wide.

ROBA census taker once tried to test me.

ROB continues in a very bad Anthony Hopkins impression.

ROBI ate his liver with some fava beans, and a nice chianti.

DEBBIE shakes her head.

DEBBIEThat is the worst Hannibal Lecter I’ve ever heard. Honestly. Nell Carter could do a better Lecter. And she’s dead.

ROB’S grins and then waves off her remark.

ROBSo you wanna know about the job?

DEBBIEThe duel?

ROB shakes his head.

ROBTell me, Julie, what’s your favorite TV commercial, all-time?

DEBBIE looks confused.

DEBBIECommercial? I don’t know.

She straightens her posture, self-righteously.

DEBBIE (CONT'D)I don’t watch television.

ROBYou Communist?

DEBBIEI quit watching TV after the CIA put a bug in my head.

CUT TO:

INT. SURVEILLANCE VAN PARKED OUTSIDE THE OFFICE – DAY

Two CIA agents, dressed in black suits and ties, are sitting in an undercover surveillance van, listening to the conversation on earpieces.

STEVE the homeless man is also in the van; one of the agents has a gun to STEVE’S head.

CIA AGENT(menacingly)

Watch it, Deborah…

CUT TO:

INT. ROB’S OFFICE – DAY

Rob and DEBBIE are continuing their conversation.

ROBSeriously. You used to watch TV. What’s your favorite ad?

DEBBIEUm, I don’t know. I guess that wine commercial that Orson Welles did in the late seventies, where he’s sloshed out of his gourd.

CUT TO:

INT. SURVEILLANCE VAN OUTSIDE THE OFFICE - DAY

A second surveillance van is parked on the street outside the office next to the CIA van.

ORSON WELLES is sitting inside the van, listening to the conversation on an earpiece and drinking wine straight from the bottle.

ORSONWatch it, Deborah…

CUT TO:

INT. ROB’S OFFICE – DAY

Rob is clearly impressed with DEBBIE’S choice of favorite commercial.

ROBNot bad, young grasshopper.

DEBBIESo what’s really going on here? Are you starting an ad agency or something?

ROB stands up and begins to pace in front of the desk.

ROBStill going for a story? Julie, Julie, Julie. Trying to lift yourself up to a higher rung on the proverbial ladder, so you can quit taking want ads and, dare I say, write obits? Come on. See yourself in five years: making less

(MORE)

than a janitor and covering city ROB (CONT'D)

council elections.

DEBBIEI want to be a journalist.

ROB nods and sits back down.

ROBYou’re ambitious. That’s good. Reminds me of me.

ROB gestures toward DEBBIE’S attire.

ROBI too was once fond of angora. But you know what? People with real ambition don’t climb the ladder, they jump off it. Or kick it out from under the guys above them. Or divorce their husbands and run off with a rich lawyer named Ephram.

ROB coughs in embarrassment at the end of his revelation.

DEBBIE’S expression becomes serious and resolute.

DEBBIEI just want to write.

ROB grins and pauses in thought.

ROBYou wanna make five hundred a week doing it, starting tomorrow?

DEBBIEAre you offering me a job?

DEBBIE looks around at her surroundings.

DEBBIEI don’t even know what this… is.

ROBIt’s better that way. Give me a call by Friday if you’re interested.

ROB gets up and escorts DEBBIE out of the office before she has a chance to think about it. She leaves, bewildered.

As they walk through the waiting room, they pass a man dressed in Colonial American soldier’s uniform, complete with powdered wig and musket.

ROB acknowledges his presence.

ROBThe position’s been filled.

INT. THE AD AGENCY OFFICE – DAY

ROB is standing at the water cooler, chatting with a slender black man in his early thirties.

ROBYou catch that show last night about water coolers?

Enter DEBBIE, as she shows up for her first day of work. She is dressed in a conservative business suit, wearing glasses and carrying an expensive leather briefcase.

ROBAre you the stripper? You’re late.

DEBBIEYou didn’t tell me when to come in.

ROBIt was a test. You get an E for effort.

ROB turns to the man standing next to him.

ROBDebbie, this is Hiram. Everybody calls him Whack Job.

NUT JOBNut Job.

ROBI apologize. Nut Job. He’s gonna be working with us. Nut Job, Debbie.

DEBBIENut Job?

NUT JOBDon’t worry. It’s an adjective, not a process.

DEBBIE and NUT JOB shake hands.

DEBBIEDisgusting. Pleased to meet you.

The door opens and MONEY MAN walks in. He takes in the appearance of the group.

MONEY MANIs this an ad agency or an Amway convention?

The joke falls flat. The others stare at MONEY MAN with confusion, not even sure if they’re supposed to laugh.

MONEY MANScrew it. That’s what I’m paying you people for. Let’s get started.

The group heads into the conference room.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

DEBBIE, ROB and NUT JOB are sitting around a conference table.

MONEY MAN stands in the front of the room with a stack of manila folders in his hand.

MONEY MANOkay, here’s the deal. As I promised Rob, I’ve got a potential client already lined up. MONEY MAN tosses the folders onto the table.

MONEY MANEach of you take one. I want three pitches for this by next Thursday. Any questions?

NUT JOB raises his hand.

NUT JOBJust copy, or do you want storyboards, too?

MONEY MANYou’ve never even worked in advertising.

NUT JOBJust trying to talk the talk, boss.

MONEY MANJust gimme scripts. I know a guy who will draw up the boards if you clowns actually come up with something worth a damn.

ROBAre we going for network spots, or just cable? Cause you know I prefer to work blue.

MONEY MANJust come up with the damn pitches.

MONEY MAN leaves the room.

ROB and NUT JOB just stare at each other for a moment as DEBBIE begins to neatly unpack her briefcase and arrange the contents on the table as she prepares to work.

ROB stares at DEBBIE and shakes his head. He then turns to NUT JOB.

ROBYou ever been to Smitty’s? On the corner?

NUT JOBBest French dip in town.

ROB and NUT JOB get up to leave.

DEBBIEWhere are you two going?

ROBTo start the project.

DEBBIEAt a pub? We’re supposed to be working.

ROBWe’ll work.

DEBBIEThat’s not very professional.

ROBOf course. That’s why you start your own business. What did I tell you about the Ladder, Deb?

CUT TO:

INT. SMITTY’S PUB – DAY

ROB, NUT JOB, and DEBBIE are sitting at a table in the bar.

ROB and NUT JOB are drinking beers. DEBBIE is drinking

coffee.

She has brought the briefcase and folders and is intently studying their contents.

NUT JOB is studying DEBBIE’S face as she reads.

NUT JOBYou kinda look like my aunt Helen.

DEBBIEYeah, kinda.

ROB nods, impressed with DEBBIE’S quip.

ROBNice. There may be hope for you yet.

DEBBIESo… Nut. You never worked in advertising? What’s your story?

NUT JOB takes a sip of beer and leans back in his chair.

NUT JOBWell, I was an art history major in college. Then I spent seven years in Georgia, working in a factory making denture adhesives. But I always wanted to be a stand-up comic. So one day, I quit my job and started hitting open mikes around Atlanta. I had ten minutes of killer material, some dead-on impressions. But the audience wasn’t ready for me.

CUT TO:

INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

NUT JOB is doing his routine on stage at a comedy club.He launches into a Jeff Foxworthy impersonation, with an exaggerated Southern accent and fake moustache.

NUT JOBIf you go to get yer portrait done at Glamour Shots, and instead of takin’ yer picture, they hand you a copy of Edvard Munch’s seminal 1893 expressionist painting, The Scream---

NUT JOB pauses as a few people in the audience chuckle in anticipation of the punch-line.

NUT JOB (CONT'D)--you might have a birth defect.

The audience is appalled, silent. A guy in the crowd begins to boo him.

GUY IN CROWDYou suck!!

As the guy drops his hand from his mouth, we see that he has a cleft lip.

A few seats down MONEY MAN is sitting in the audience, grinning and nodding at NUT JOB.

CUT TO:

INT. SMITTY’S PUB – DAY

ROB, DEBBIE and NUT JOB are still in the bar.

DEBBIEOkay, let’s concentrate.

She holds up a sheet from one of the folders. She gets serious.

DEBBIEAll right. Winthrop’s Lager. What’s the essence of this product? What separates them from the pack? We need to get to the core of this. Plato says that the essence of any thing lies in what makes that thing different from other things, so—

ROB puts a hand in DEBBIE’S face.

ROBWhoah, Deb. You’re turning this into work.

NUT JOBYeah, time out. Let’s just bring the Funny.

The group sits in silence, unable to come up with an idea.

CUT TO:

INT. SMITTY’S PUB – LATER THAT DAY

The group is still sitting in silence.

DEBBIE is now drinking beer. ROB is now drinking coffee. NUT JOB is still drinking beer.

He is staring angrily at a program on the TV in the corner of the bar.

NUT JOBOh, shut up, Seacrest!! Referring to yourself in the third person is the litmus test for pomposity! What the hell is E! News doing on in a bar, anyway?!

INT. OFFICE CONFERENCE ROOM – THE NEXT DAY

ROB, DEBBIE and NUT JOB are sitting around the table in silence. They still have not come up with a good idea.

ROBOK, I agree with Deb, we really should do something that riffs on Winthrop’s ‘rearing stallion’ logo.

DEBBIEAnd we gotta close with the tag line.

ROBRead it back to me.

DEBBIE“Because second best, is really first worst.”

NUT JOBHow the hell do we get from horses to that?

ROBThey want funny, but classy.

NUT JOBThen call Peter O’Toole. This isn’t working.

NADIA enters the conference room and begins to rummage through a file cabinet.

DEBBIEHow about polo? Polo is classy.

ROBBut not very funny.

NADIA suddenly chimes in.

NADIAIsn’t polo very much like hockey on horses?

No one pays attention to her.

NUT JOBYou know, Ghengis Khan invented polo.

ROBHe invented polio? That’s just like him, the bastard.

DEBBIEMongols and beer? And that’s supposed to be classy?

NADIA walks closer to the table.

NADIAIf polo is real sport, do they have, eh, what you say? Minor league teams? That would give much funny.

The group stops and begins to grin at each other as they realize the birth of an idea.

ROBSay, Nadia, could you go get me a cup of coffee? After he has sent her out of the room, ROB leans toward the others and rubs his hands together in anticipation.

ROBSo. Minor-league polo… Run with it.

DEBBIE shakes her head in disbelief at the fact that ROB has blatantly stolen NADIA’S idea. NUT JOB just grins. ROB looks back at DEBBIE and shrugs his shoulders.

ROBWhat are you looking at me for? She’d have done the same thing to us, if the tables were turned. Sneaky Russian.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – THE NEXT DAY

ROB stands in front of the room.

A group of businessman in suits sits to his left and right, with MONEY MAN sitting between them, smiling expectantly.

DEBBIE and NUT JOB are at the far end of the table.

ROB is giving their pitch to the representatives from Winthrop Beer.

ROBGentleman, glad you could make it. Me and my team here—

He acknowledges DEBBIE and NUT JOB.

ROB (CONT'D)Deborah Simms, and Hiram L. Jones. They put in a lot of work on this one.

DEBBIE smiles proudly, and NUT JOB gives ROB a thumbs up.

ROB (CONT'D)And we’ve got something really special for you today. The Next Great Beer Commercial. The ad that everyone will be talking about after the Super Bowl. And it won’t even run during the Super Bowl.

Everyone chuckles politely. ROB begins his pitch. He turns to an easel that’s holding a set of storyboards.

ROB (CONT'D)We open on a shot of a wide, green, grassy field…

FADE TO BLACK: CUT TO “FAKE COMMERCIAL BREAK” 60-SECOND AD

EXT. POLO FIELD – DAY

First, an establishing shot of a wide, grassy polo field.

Regal symphonic music is heard as the shot changes to a close-up of a mallet striking a ball with the sound of hooves clomping by.

Next, we see a shot of two polo players from the waist up. They ride across the frame on horseback, in heated battle.

Next, a shot of the crowd, dressed in the expensive, traditional polo spectator fashions, clapping politely.

Then, another shot of a mallet striking a ball; the ball flies into the goal.

Finally, we see a shot of two gruff, average-looking guys in the crowd, holding bottles of beer and watching the game.

They shake their heads in disappointment.

Then we see a shot of an old wooden billboard that reads: POUGHKIPSEE GENERALS, AA MINOR-LEAGE POLO CLUB.

An obnoxious braying sound is heard, followed by the sound of a record scratching as the symphonic music ends abruptly.

A donkey trots into frame, with a polo player on its back, whipping it furiously.

The two average guys shake their heads again disappointment.

Finally, we see a black screen with the logo for Winthrop Lager, and hear voice over from an older British gentleman.

V.O.Winthrop Lager. Because second best, is really first worst.

We cut back to the two average guys.

AVERAGE GUY #1You think this is bad, you should see the Little League team.

We then see a group of twelve-year-old boys in polo jerseys on a polo field. One kid, thin and athletic, is riding on top of a fat, goofy kid, who is lumbering forward on his hands and knees.

The rider slaps the fat kid with a riding crop. The fat kid brays loudly, like a donkey.

FADE OUT: BACK TO THE SHOW

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

The room is silent, except for MONEY MAN, who is laughing to the point of tears.

The businessmen have mixed reactions to the pitch. One businessman begins to boo Rob.

BUSINESSMAN #1You suck!

We see that the businessman is the comedy club heckler with the cleft lip from NUT JOB’s flashback.

One of the other businessmen quiets him, then turns to Rob.

BUSINESSMAN #2We’ll let you know by Wednesday.

INT. SMITTY’S PUB – DAYS LATER

The whole gang is seated around a table in Smitty’s bar: ROB, DEBBIE, NUT JOB, even NADIA.

DEBBIESo, Nadia, what brought you to America?

NUT JOBFed Ex.

ROB laughs and then mimics the motions of someone helping a truck driver back up a truck, complete with the BEEP, BEEP sound from the truck.

ROBYou just had to back that one in, eh?

NADIA laughs like a good sport about NUT JOB’S insult.

NADIAYes, it is funny because it is true.

She suddenly glares at NUT JOB.

NADIA (CONT'D)Seriously. I will break you, little man.

MONEY MAN enters the bar.

MONEY MANBarkeep, another round for my team

(MORE)

here.MONEY MAN (CONT'D)

The others lift their beers and thank MONEY MAN.

ROBIs that our severance pay? ‘Cause I’m not drinking that crappy-ass Winthrop if it is.

MONEY MAN sits down at the table.

MONEY MANOkay, listen up. I heard back from the suits at the beer company.

He pauses for dramatic effect.

MONEY MANHere’s the deal: they liked the spot, but they want us to make some changes.

NUT JOB shakes his head in anger.

NUT JOBThey wanna cut the Little League closer, right?

MONEY MAN nods.

ROBSo, we’ll cut it. It’s just a commercial.

NUT JOBNo way. Little League’s the zinger. Suits don’t know funny.

DEBBIEI actually agree with Nut Job on this.

ROB looks at DEBBIE in surprise, then pauses in thought.

ROBNo, you guys are right. We gotta stick to our guns.

MONEY MAN shakes his head.

MONEY MANRob, there’s a lot of money on this—

ROBNo, Eugene. We’ve done our job. Now you do yours. Sell it as is.

INT. AD AGENCY CONFERENCE ROOM – A FEW DAYS LATER

The gang is sitting around the conference table.

They are all staring in silence at a bag of Cheetos that sits in the center of the table.

DEBBIEWhat is the essence of the Cheeto?

NUT JOB takes a sip of his coffee and spits it out.

NUT JOBJesus Christ, Rob. We got fifty grand for that beer commercial and you’re still serving up Sanka.

Suddenly, STEVE the homeless man enters the room, pushing an incredibly nice leather chair.

He wheels it over to ROB. ROB nods and grins at STEVE.

ROBPersistent. I like it. We’ll be in touch.

NUT JOB and DEBBIE stare at the man confused. STEVE just stands there for a moment.

ROB stares at STEVE for a second then remembers.

He reaches in his pocket and pulls out his wallet. After flipping through his cash he turns to DEBBIE and NUT JOB.

ROB (CONT'D)Can anyone break a twenty?

FADE OUT:

THE END