OIF Alphabet Part 2OIF Alphabet Part 2

Written and illustrated by Written and illustrated by the same crew as last the same crew as last time.time.

A is for Air Force.A is for Air Force.

Don’t let the cool glasses and baggy clothes Don’t let the cool glasses and baggy clothes confuse you these guys are not dancing. confuse you these guys are not dancing. They are communicating through sign They are communicating through sign language. They have cool names like Stabs, language. They have cool names like Stabs, Chum, Snapper and Radar. They fly through Chum, Snapper and Radar. They fly through the sky with the greatest of ease and talk the sky with the greatest of ease and talk about it later at Al Udeid over three real about it later at Al Udeid over three real beers. Why did I join the f@*!#ing Army?beers. Why did I join the f@*!#ing Army?

B is for Boondoggle.B is for Boondoggle.

You see them at the end of every month. You see them at the end of every month. Teams from the CTCs, Center for Army Teams from the CTCs, Center for Army Lessons Learned and the Pentagon. They are Lessons Learned and the Pentagon. They are here to help with advice while collecting TDY, here to help with advice while collecting TDY, combat pay and combat patches. They land in combat pay and combat patches. They land in one plane and leave for home on the next one one plane and leave for home on the next one leaving. They slap on a combat patch and leaving. They slap on a combat patch and make up some war stories on the way to the make up some war stories on the way to the next bird. You know who you are, and you next bird. You know who you are, and you suck. suck.

C is for Cannon Fodder.C is for Cannon Fodder.

Some people call them LNOs. They are sent to a higher Some people call them LNOs. They are sent to a higher headquarters with a top hat, cane and enough information to get headquarters with a top hat, cane and enough information to get them shot in the face during briefings. Watch them tap dance their them shot in the face during briefings. Watch them tap dance their way through a briefing to a member of the command group. It is sad way through a briefing to a member of the command group. It is sad but a hell of a lot of fun to watch. but a hell of a lot of fun to watch.

D D is for Division Staff.is for Division Staff.

We are all a team. Striving to go in one We are all a team. Striving to go in one direction. Keeping a battle rhythm to direction. Keeping a battle rhythm to maintain a steady pace. Row well and live, maintain a steady pace. Row well and live, beeyotch!beeyotch!

E E is for explosive devices.is for explosive devices.

Look at Abu Hussein, he is modeling the standard TNT vest. It is an oldie but a Look at Abu Hussein, he is modeling the standard TNT vest. It is an oldie but a goodie.goodie.

Abu Ayman is modeling the more modern C4 vest with a digital clock.Abu Ayman is modeling the more modern C4 vest with a digital clock.

Uh oh, Abu Ibrahim detonated prematurely. That looks like it hurt. No virgins for Uh oh, Abu Ibrahim detonated prematurely. That looks like it hurt. No virgins for you.you.

F F is for Fun Police.is for Fun Police.

What do we have here? A raid on an AIF What do we have here? A raid on an AIF house? Hell no! Somebody was doing house? Hell no! Somebody was doing something in their trailer that was fun something in their trailer that was fun and probably violated GO #1. Time for and probably violated GO #1. Time for the fun police.the fun police.

GG is for Good is for Good Idea Fairies.Idea Fairies.

You have probably dealt we these before. A field grade officer suddenly says, “I have an You have probably dealt we these before. A field grade officer suddenly says, “I have an idea” and you know your screwed. They are demons from hell that target officers in the rank idea” and you know your screwed. They are demons from hell that target officers in the rank of Major and up. Kill them all or do the powerpoint slides. of Major and up. Kill them all or do the powerpoint slides.

HH is for helper. is for helper.They sit in meetings and provide They sit in meetings and provide nothing. They don’t attend working nothing. They don’t attend working groups or answer email. Throw them groups or answer email. Throw them in a room with a GO and suddenly they in a room with a GO and suddenly they have all sorts of info and are there to have all sorts of info and are there to help. help.

These men just got done with the largest Air Assault in the history of OIF. So why do they look mad? These men just got done with the largest Air Assault in the history of OIF. So why do they look mad? It turns out the Arabic translation of Swarmer is Insects attacking. So, not only do they have to guard It turns out the Arabic translation of Swarmer is Insects attacking. So, not only do they have to guard sand, the operation’s cool name turned out to be really gay. Way to go BOB.sand, the operation’s cool name turned out to be really gay. Way to go BOB.

II is for Insects Attacking.is for Insects Attacking.

J J is for Java.is for Java.All hail the sacred silver bullet, giver All hail the sacred silver bullet, giver of the nectar of the gods. The warm of the nectar of the gods. The warm glow of the red light brings joy to my glow of the red light brings joy to my soul. Your caffeine may be addictive soul. Your caffeine may be addictive but prevents me from laying down in but prevents me from laying down in fields or pastures. The sleep fields or pastures. The sleep deprivation you bring clears my mind deprivation you bring clears my mind of trivial things like thought. Thanks of trivial things like thought. Thanks to thee. to thee.

Death to those that partake but do Death to those that partake but do not contribute to the coffee fund, not contribute to the coffee fund, bastards. bastards.

K K is for knowledge.is for knowledge. Today we learn how to give people knowledge.Today we learn how to give people knowledge.

1. Take the individual outside and have 1. Take the individual outside and have them point at a hole in the ground.them point at a hole in the ground.

2. Have them point to their ass. 2. Have them point to their ass. 3. The light should go on and they 3. The light should go on and they should know their ass from a hole in should know their ass from a hole in the ground. the ground.

4. Now have them put their head in the 4. Now have them put their head in the hole in the ground.hole in the ground.

5. It should hurt, if not kick them while 5. It should hurt, if not kick them while they are down. It isn’t mean you are they are down. It isn’t mean you are giving them knowledge. giving them knowledge.

6. Now they should know 6. Now they should know that having your head up that having your head up your ass can hurt. your ass can hurt.

Congratulations, you’re a teacher.Congratulations, you’re a teacher.

L L is for Loopholes.is for Loopholes.

GO #1 does not allow “visitation” by a member of the opposite gender in living quarters. What is the definition of living quarters…..hmmmmm? I need a tent.

M M is for musical extravaganza!is for musical extravaganza!

You thought OIF was a war. It is really a long and very bad musical. In this act Muqtada al Sadr makes a general You thought OIF was a war. It is really a long and very bad musical. In this act Muqtada al Sadr makes a general mad while LNOs, IPs and suicide bombers dance beneath them. At the end of the act the suicide bombers mad while LNOs, IPs and suicide bombers dance beneath them. At the end of the act the suicide bombers explode, the IPs shoot some Sunnis and Sadr gets the flying camel. To bad it is true. Lived through it in 04, fun! explode, the IPs shoot some Sunnis and Sadr gets the flying camel. To bad it is true. Lived through it in 04, fun!

N N is for Near Beer.is for Near Beer.First they took away the sex and real beer. Now they are taking away the near beer. What is next no “self motivation?” Thank you fun police.

We hate you!

O O is for OPTEMPO.is for OPTEMPO.

OPTEMPO drives all that we do. It allows us to work 14-OPTEMPO drives all that we do. It allows us to work 14-18 hours days in the pursuit of mission success. It also 18 hours days in the pursuit of mission success. It also allows us to run smack dab into the middle of a wall at allows us to run smack dab into the middle of a wall at the 4-5 month mark. Sleep is for the weak beyotches. the 4-5 month mark. Sleep is for the weak beyotches.

P P is for Peeps.is for Peeps.

Mmmm, mmmm mmmm, nothing says Happy Easter like a marshmallow chicken. Better yet nothing says morale like watching a guy eat 50 of these horrid things in 3 minutes and 20 seconds. It makes me sick just to think about it.

Q Q is for Qom, Iran.is for Qom, Iran.

Qom is in Iran. It is the center Qom is in Iran. It is the center of the Shia faith. Iran wants of the Shia faith. Iran wants nukes and the Shia in Iraq nukes and the Shia in Iraq want to play games with us. want to play games with us. Keep pushing our buttons and Keep pushing our buttons and we might start pushing a few we might start pushing a few of our own. Here have a nuke of our own. Here have a nuke Beeyotches.Beeyotches.

R R is for R and R.is for R and R.

What do the Easter Bunny, Osama What do the Easter Bunny, Osama Bin Laden and Santa Claus have in Bin Laden and Santa Claus have in common with R and R? They are all common with R and R? They are all figments of the imagination. figments of the imagination.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK!!!!!!!NOW GET BACK TO WORK!!!!!!!

S S is for sexual harassment.is for sexual harassment.

You see them everyday. You see them everyday. Female civilians creating a Female civilians creating a hostile work environment. hostile work environment. They wear their hip hugger They wear their hip hugger jeans, middrift shirts, jeans, middrift shirts, flowing brown hair, tan flowing brown hair, tan skin and a pistol on their skin and a pistol on their hips………….mmmmmmmhips………….mmmmmmmmmm, jeans ………….. mmm, jeans ………….. mmmmmm…..what the hell mmmmmm…..what the hell was I talking about? was I talking about?

T T is for Tango.is for Tango.

In the military being on a staff is like In the military being on a staff is like dancing the Tango. When things go well it dancing the Tango. When things go well it is a thing of beauty. Unfortunately when is a thing of beauty. Unfortunately when things go wrong it gets really bad. Just things go wrong it gets really bad. Just remember that very few staff officers have remember that very few staff officers have rhythm. In other words, we are all F@!#ed! rhythm. In other words, we are all F@!#ed!

U U is for Uniforms.is for Uniforms.It is summer in Iraq and temperatures are running about 120 degrees. The man on the It is summer in Iraq and temperatures are running about 120 degrees. The man on the left is a contractor. His uniform consists of shorts, aloha shirt, sandals and a visor. left is a contractor. His uniform consists of shorts, aloha shirt, sandals and a visor. He also makes a six figure salary. The man on the right is in the military. His uniform He also makes a six figure salary. The man on the right is in the military. His uniform consists of ACUs, a kevlar helmet, vest with throat guard, pecker protector, shoulder consists of ACUs, a kevlar helmet, vest with throat guard, pecker protector, shoulder protectors, ballistic plates, ammunition, knife, pistol, knee pads, ballistic glasses. He protectors, ballistic plates, ammunition, knife, pistol, knee pads, ballistic glasses. He doesn’t make six figures. Who would you rather be? I’ll go with the left. doesn’t make six figures. Who would you rather be? I’ll go with the left.

V V is for VTC.is for VTC.

Nothing says efficiency Nothing says efficiency like a meeting held by like a meeting held by video across the world video across the world with multiple stations with multiple stations fusing and sharing fusing and sharing information. Too bad there information. Too bad there is a guy with a hot mike is a guy with a hot mike somewhere in the States somewhere in the States that doesn’t know it. Now that doesn’t know it. Now people around the world people around the world get to watch him sing and get to watch him sing and dance to 80’s tunes, dance to 80’s tunes, awesome. awesome.

WW is for White Ninjas.is for White Ninjas.They are the most secret of organizations. The They are the most secret of organizations. The CIA has never heard of them. They kill without CIA has never heard of them. They kill without mercy or regret. They are swift, silent and mercy or regret. They are swift, silent and deadly killers. The only problem is that the deadly killers. The only problem is that the lawyers won’t let us use them. Something lawyers won’t let us use them. Something about the law of war. They don’t even exist and about the law of war. They don’t even exist and and the lawyers won’t let use them! WTF!?!and the lawyers won’t let use them! WTF!?!

X X is for X-Ray.is for X-Ray.X-rays are cool. Doctors shoot X-rays are cool. Doctors shoot radiation through your body to radiation through your body to check out skeletal structure and check out skeletal structure and bone mass. This doctor is bone mass. This doctor is confused right now. He did an X-confused right now. He did an X-ray on a staff officer. It looks like ray on a staff officer. It looks like something is missing. What could something is missing. What could it be? Hmmmmmmm…..I wonder. it be? Hmmmmmmm…..I wonder.

Y Y is for Yak.is for Yak.Why Yak? It is simple I Why Yak? It is simple I couldn’t think of anything else couldn’t think of anything else beginning with the letter Y. beginning with the letter Y. Besides a Yak or two in this Besides a Yak or two in this place could cause the place could cause the insurgents to think of love, not insurgents to think of love, not war and we could all go home. war and we could all go home.

Z Z is for Zarqawi, again!is for Zarqawi, again!

So what if Zarqawi was the So what if Zarqawi was the letter Z last time. He is such letter Z last time. He is such an idiot we can never get an idiot we can never get enough of him. Nothing like enough of him. Nothing like standing in the desert with a standing in the desert with a machine gun that won’t work. machine gun that won’t work. I am scared now ……not I am scared now ……not really. really.

AMZ you suck. Try a suicide AMZ you suck. Try a suicide vest next time, asshole. vest next time, asshole.