One of the joys of editing Femnet is

Visit us at femnet.goanet.org Issue 62 | Page 1

Issue 62

July-Aug 2017

6 Pages

courage and honesty, Hannah M brings out of the closet the reality of Child Molestation while Pauline Mendes, who enjoyed the trip of a lifetime to many exciting places, raises a question on the impact of mass tourism on our fragile eco-systems.

Sucharita Kirtikar's poetry takes us to a quiet place. BAttitudes tickles the mind with Oxymoronics. And Noreen Stewart regales us with the joys (and travails!) of raising children.

In this issue and going forward, we have a new corner -- Search…and You Shall Find -- which takes you to hand-picked links to articles or websites that promise interesting insights.

Find your favourite corner. Put the kettle on. It's time for a really good read.

ne of the joys of editing Femnet is

Othe regular reminder of the quiet h e r o i s m a n d u n d e r s t a t e d

achievements of so many women; some of them celebrated, many of them not.

In this issue, Femnet delves into the activities of Goa Sudharop through a conversation with Acaria Almeida. Established in San Francisco, Goa Sudharop has as its twin goals to promote the sustainable development of Goa and to empower people. The scope and depth of their work is amazing.

As she relates the story of Caedmon, an ordinary man who cared for the animals at a monastery, and who is the earliest named English poet, Dr. Marguerite Theophil urges us to listen for and be guided by that inner voice.

Chari Kingsbury will take us through some basic life and relationship skills to help us relate better with family and friends in what is the start of a three-series posting on peer mentoring. With

INDEX

Page 1

Page 2

Page 3

Page 3

Page 3

Page 4

Page 4

Page 5

Page 6

In Conversation With…

BAttitudes

Search… and You Shall Find!

The Long Road Home

Being There!

Nevertheless, You Must Sing!

Child Molestation

Our 'Exciting' Life

Trees for Thought

Incubation and Business Acceleration (CIBA) – Mumbai & Goa. G4G was set up to encourage girls to take up careers in STEM subjects of Science, Technology, Engineering & Medicine.

Femnet: Goa Sudharop has an impressive record of accomplishments in Goa.

Acaria: A lot of its work has been done in Goa. Sudharop has supplied computers to schools, run leadership and career counselling workshops, supported orphanages and care homes, promoted environmental projects and provided scholarships. We introduce US donors to projects and scholarship candidates in Goa and facilitate tax deductible and employer matching

charitable giving.

In December 2016 we launched Aadhar with Verma D'Mello, Goa's renowned fashion designer to help women to acquire a skill and provide safe hygiene facilities in remote areas. Last month, Aadhar commenced sewing and embroidery training for girls belonging to the the scheduled classes & tribes. Finding volunteers to help with execution on the ground is a challenge.

In 2016, we collaborated with Dr Nandita de Souza of Sethu in Porvorim to support their programs for autistic and hearing-impaired children. Sethu was established to provide services for c h i l d r e n w i t h d e ve l o p m e n t a l , behavioural, emotional and educational

Goa Sudharop, a volunteer non-profit organization working for the betterment of Goa and the Goan diaspora, was founded in 2000 by Filomena Giese and George Pinto from the San Francisco Bay Area. It subscribes to the philosophy of “giving back” to the homeland, Goa, and to the communities in which one lives, in the US. From its inception, Goa Sudharop set a strong foundation for organic growth and now has a pipeline of youth volunteers some of whom serve on the Board. Femnet interviewed Acaria Almeida, Director Global Operations, Goa Sudharop. Acaria is also program lead for Greenlight for Gir ls (G4G), Brussels. She was instrumental in launching G4G in Goa in association with Cisco and the Centre for


Capital Gives Back. Giving appears to be in your DNA. Many in the community in San Francisco testify to your kind and compassionate side and are grateful for the help that has been extended to them at various times. In Goa, as part of your work with Greenlight, you have personally run workshops for girls. Can you tell us about this?

Acaria: Cisco is huge on philanthropy. I was featured on our company video where Cisco sponsored my “Time 2 Give” and Cisco lab coats at the event. It was a day fi l led w i th Sc ience, Technology, Engineering and Math workshops for girls aged 10-15.The founder of Greenlight for Girls, Melissa Rancourt travelled from Brussels at her own expense and was an inspiration to the girls in Goa.

Femnet: Tell us a little bit about yourself.

Acaria: My husband and I came to California in 1984 with a young baby and I had to grow up quickly-- find a job, go to evening school and adapt to the new environment whilst looking after my family. I enjoyed the unlimited learning opportunities. My husband and I took turns in attending university so that one of us could be with the children. I realize now how learning became a way of life for me. Completing my MBA, whilst

raising three children...it was possible.

I love spending time with family and friends, travelling and entertaining and volunteer activities. With my STEM activities I hope I am contributing in some way to reducing the gender gap in the Technology industry. Goa Sudharop provides me with opportunities to give back in time and talent for Goa and to help to develop leadership and volunteering amongst our youth.

Femnet: Based on your experiences, what message would you like to give to our readers.

A c a r i a : M a k e t i m e a n d s e e k opportunities to learn. Learning is the best currency to own in life. It offers many gratifying experiences in your career and in your personal life. Success will follow as you pursue the areas of your interest.

Acaria Almeida works for Cisco Systems, California as Relationship Manager, Global Engagement Management, where she manages global client engagements for financing Enterprise IT Cloud and Datacentre virtualization solutions. Previously she held senior positions at Bank of America and Wells Fargo Bank. Born in Tanzania, she now lives with her husband and family in Moraga, California.

challenges. Our second G4G STEM event was held in San Francisco and the most recent one was in January 2017, in Goa.

Femnet: Goa Sudharop runs a scholarship program to encourage bright Goan students to pursue studies in STEM subjects. Can you tell us more about this initiative?

Acaria: Goa Sudharop has partnered with the Foundation for Excellence (FFE) USA to help Goan students obtain FFE scholarships. The foundation gets its funds through fund raising and donations from the Indian professional community. Scholarships have been provided to students from other states in India and through our Executive Director, Ibonio De Souza, we are making these opportunities available to Goan students. Full scholarships are given to qualified Goan students who wish to pursue degree courses in medicine, engineering, and technology but are unable to do so due to financial constraints.

Femnet: What are Goa Sudharop's goals and dreams for the future? Are there any special projects in the pipeline?

Acaria: Collaboration with volunteers in Goa is critical for the successful implementation of our projects. We serve as a platform for action and support. Our current Board is a young team that has made good progress with the events held and we hope to continue with this. All have full time careers or are attending college but are generous with their time and talents.

An upcoming Goa Sudharop project is “Hope Swirls” with Sethu which is being launched by youth leaders Michelle and Andy Nazareth from Scotts Valley, California and another G4G Day is being led by Sudhir Shette.

Femnet: On a more personal level, you were recently honoured by being featured in Cisco's video entitled Cisco

in Conversation with... Acaria Almeida (continued from page 1)

suppose it would sound a little silly to refer to someone as the 'early'.

Of all the oxymoronic phrases dealing with the subject of an early departure, I think the one that crowns it all is when, in military parlance, someone has died through 'friendly fire'. In other words, he was shot by his own side. One wonders how the bereaved members of the family could have this tragedy explained to them. Which probably ties in with the phrase “With friends like these, who needs enemies”.

Well, enough of this 'deadly' subject. Just couldn't resist that one :)

It's August and so we say forward march!

Betsy Pinto-NunesFounder

Quite often we read of someone's 'untimely death'. Since we do not know the expected date or the hour of death for anyone, I've often wondered how we can say that he or she had an untimely death? Possibly it could have been merciful in the case of a prolonged illness or where there is no hope of a cure. In some cases, it could be that the timing was inconvenient when the deceased had not completed a complicated or urgent piece of work. Then again it could be long awaited as in the case of a hoped for inheritance! But never, ever, untimely!

Going on in a similar vein, why is it that we refer to the deceased person as 'the late' when he / she has made an early departure from their earthly sojourn? I wonder what could be the alternative. I

ATTITUDES

S


As dawn breaks on the skies and bird's wings soar,A lone figure standing at a stark white doorHugging to her chest an old picture frame,

Unseeing eyes downcast in sorrow, no one to blame.The mind's eye has an imprint of a pretty young face,

Those were the years of beauty and grace, The world was her oyster and there was everything to gain.

Then life struck a blow as she lay keening in pain,She could not fathom what came to pass,

All that was precious lay broken, like shards of glass.To escape reality, the mind took flight,

The lovely translucent eyes lost their knowing light,Skilled doctors all try their best, knowing it's futile.

The true soul is lost, it's been a whileConfusion and nervousness causes the mind to roam,

Yes, indeed it is a long road home.

Yet a flicker of the lost spirit remains,Maybe there could be a chance, hope never wanes.

Old friends, well-wishers rally aroundFamiliar faces, familiar sounds,

If there are enough hands to hold and guide along,Life may correct whatever has gone wrong.

The mind will stop to continually roam, And someday she may retrace the long road home.

THE LONG ROAD HOME

Sucharita Kirtikar, CanadaSE

and You Shall Find!

Christian Bible gives us a clear picture of this. Job was a wealthy man with a big, happy family. One day he lost all his children, his wealth, and his health all within a short span of time. He sat in misery on ashes. His three friends came to comfort him and were so shocked at his condition that for seven days, they simply sat with him in the ashes in silence. However, as is often the case with us, they finally succumbed to the pressure to say something. It was when they opened their mouths that they did the damage. They ended up offending Job, damaging their friendship with him, and even offending God, doing more damage than good. They were better off saying nothing and just being there for their friend! The biggest thing I learned in counseling training was that listening is the best thing we can do to help others. …More on that in the next issue of Femnet.

To listen, to show that we care, to be a true help, I hope that in this journey together we will all benefit and that our relationships can deepen as we learn to love our friends better through peer mentoring. Thank you for joining me on this journey.

In a first of a series on peer mentoring, Chari Kingsbury guides us on how to hone basic relationship skills that can help us be there for our friend in need. In the subsequent columns Chari will cover the A r t o f L i s t e n i n g a n d Boundaries when Helping a Friend. Soak in!

“Oh, I don't know if I want to talk to you,” the man in the church foyer said with a twinkle in his eye, “You might read my mind!” I hear this lot. I am a counselor. My husband and I have been missionaries in Kenya since 1980. I hold an M.A. degree in Counseling Psychology from Daystar University, where my husband works. A lot of people have misconceptions of what psychology is…and what it is not. The common thing I hear most is that psychologists and counselors can read people's minds. Nothing could be further from the truth!

Psychology is basically the study of human nature – how we think, our emotions, what motivates us, and especially, how we interact with each other. Psychology affects each of us, whether we are aware of it or not. If you are human, you engage in psychology,

s imply because you are human.

N o t a l l o f u s c a n b e psychologists or counselors, nor want to be! However, I suspect we have all had a friend or family member come to us, needing help or a listening ear. As she speaks, you begin to inwardly panic,

wondering “What on earth can I do for her? What can I possibly say that would help?” Ever been there, done that? I certainly have, even as a counselor! That is where peer mentoring comes in. This is simply caring enough for your friends to provide a listening ear, a caring heart, sometimes some advice, and most of all just being there for your friend. But what do we do about not knowing what to say or do? That is a big question.

Though we might not all become or desire to be a counselor, we can all learn basic skills that will help us in our relationships with family and friends – skills such as listening, empathizing, communication skills, and the like. Sometimes just being there and saying nothing is the best thing to do. The ancient book of Job in the

BEING THERE!

Chari Kingsbury, Kenya

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it is good for us. As someone said “If you're intellectually curious, you'll read the books. If you're perceptually curious, you go travelling”. And the links below should, hopefully, stimulate both.

Writing from India, Anuradha Goyal has an impressive blog and shares some amazing travel stories https://www.inditales.com/

Portugal has increasingly become a popular travel destination—for its history, its people, its food and its wines. And this delightful country is ap t l y ce lebra ted in these two b logs http://nelsoncarvalheiro.com/ and https://saltofportugal.com/

Brain Pickings is a discovery engine for interestingness, “culling and curating cross-disciplinary curiosity quenchers and separating the signal from the noise to bring you things you didn't know you were interested in until you are.” This is how the founder of the website, Maria Popova, descr ibes her project . Enjoy https://www.brainpickings.org/

ARCH…


This is the story of Caedmon, an ordinary man whom God took aside from his busy everyday activity and from his own sense of who and what he was, and spoke to him in the quiet of the night.

Caedmon lived in the seventh century as a lay brother in the community of Abbess Hilda of Whitby in England. His story is recounted in Venerable Bede's Historia Ecclesiastica Gentis Anglorum, or Ecclesiastical History of the English People, written around AD 731.

The singing of psalms and hymns played its normal central role in a Celtic establishment, and often at a feast for the sake of providing entertainment, it was an accepted tradition that all present should sing in turn. That he knew no songs and could not sing bothered Caedmon so much, that whenever he saw the harp approaching him, he would quietly rise up even in the middle of the feasting, slip out, and return home.

Once, during the singing, Caedmon was so frustrated by his inabil ity to contribute to the praises of the

communi ty, he le f t the gathering, went to the stables and fell asleep among the horses.

As he slept, he dreamt that someone addressed him by name, saying, “Caedmon, sing me something.” Caedmon answered, “I cannot sing; that is why I left the feast and came

here, because I could not sing.” The voice replied, “Nevertheless, you must sing.”

Feeling strangely compelled to obey, he asked, “What shall I sing?” and heard the voice say, “Sing about the beginning of created things.”

At that, Caedmon immediately began to sing out in praise of God:

Now we must praise Heaven-kingdom's guardian,

the Maker's might and his mind's thoughts,

the work of the glory-father, as he established

the beginning of every wonder.

He first shaped for men's sons Heaven as a roof, the holy Creator;

then middle-earth mankind's guardian, eternal Lord, afterwards prepared,

for men the earth, the Lord almighty.

Waking from his sleep, Caedmon remembered all that he had sung in his dream; his hymn was new, pouring forth from his heart. The next morning he went to his superior and told him of the dream. His superior took him to Hilda.

The abbess, who recognized the grace of God at work, instructed Caedmon to set aside his secular habit and to take monastic vows. She and all her people received him into the community of the brothers, and ordered that he should be instructed in the whole course of sacred history. He learned all he could by listening to them, and then, Bede tells us “... he turned it into the most melodious verse: and it sounded so sweet as he recited it that his teachers became in turn his audience.”

Caedmon is the very first English poet whose name we know; and so English poetry, it is said, began with a vision of God.

Caedmon's story tells us too of our ordinary selves, afraid to find our 'true voice'; but by heeding the call of 'the other' - divine prompting, sometimes simple inner prompting - we can give voice to our previously withheld beautiful creativity – whatever shape or form this takes.

NEVERTHELESS, YOU MUST SING!

Dr. Marguerite Theophil, Mumbai, India

Furthermore, every one of us was molested by either a family member or a trusted family friend. All these men were trusted by our parents which is one of the reasons why we found it difficult to speak to our parents no matter how good the relationship with them was.

Here's what I've learned from my own experience and from speaking with others.

Most children fall prey to molesters because they are confused about what is happening. Most molesters are known to the chi ld from ear ly on. Those introduced to you and/or your child later will gain your trust and the trust of the

child. And they will gain the trust of the child in your presence. The child then trusts that person even more because she knows you trust them. A molester will spend a lot of time alone with the child with nothing happening at first. Somewhere down the line it starts with something that the child won't notice, like a hug that means more to the molester than the child notices. It builds up slowly and in such a way that at some point the child is confused and is not sure whether it is wrong or not and may not report it to his/her parents. Other times he/she could be shocked by where things have reached without him/her realising it and is afraid to confide this to their parents.

CHILD MOLESTATION – CLOSER TO HOME THAN YOU THINK

Hannah M

Writer, storyteller, educator, personal growth coach, organizational consultant and workshop leader, Marguerite Theophil is also the founder of WEAVE, a place for women to explore their 'lived spirituality', particularly in the multi-religious environment of India, and to study the influence of Story, Symbol, Myth and Image in our lives. These days, she spends two months of each year working with educators and students in Ladakh.

I was molested as a child. It's a harsh way to start a story, but it's true. More than 20 years later, with a two year old daughter, I worry. How do I protect my daughter? While the answer may seem simple-- “Help her to be strong, and make sure you're always there for her”-- it isn't that simple. I've talked about my past with a number of women, both friends and family. While I haven't spoken with every woman I know, every woman whom I have confided in had a similar story. Each one coped in different ways. Some told their parents, some didn't. Some had parents support them, others didn't. Some got professional help, others managed by themselves. But all of them were molested as children.


Molestation is not something to take lightly. While most of us grow up fine, it has affected us all in some way or the other. And while most of us have received the support we needed when we opened up to a loved one, a few confided that they received no support from family. This could be for various reasons. The molester was a family member or someone who helped the family in times of need and so the family felt torn or the family reputation had to be protected.

There can be no justification for molestation, and especially if it involves an innocent child. Ignoring it only makes it worse, as not only will your daughter always hold it against you (although she may never say it to you), but you are putting other children at risk. It's easy to ignore this last bit as your concern for

your own children will always be higher than that for other children you may not know. But know that many of the children molested, were either molested along with another family member or the child later learned that the same man also molested someone else she knew.

It would be hard for me to deal with my daughter being molested. But what if I learned that a friend of mine had molested a child? Being a victim myself, I feel strongly on the topic and so it's easy for me to say that I'd pull him up and report him. But I know there would be people out there who would do nothing besides keep their child away from him. And what if he was my brother, or my husband, or my son? It's natural for us to want to protect them. To save face. To save them. But by doing so

we are assisting in molesting a child. My son is only five years old. But my husband and I have already planned that along with the talk about sex we will also educate him about molestation. I trust my husband, but he is aware that if I hear of him being involved in such a situation, our relationship would come to an end. This may sound harsh but our attitude has brought us to this situation. At least 70 per cent of the women I know were molested as chi ldren (the remaining 30 per cent being women with whom this topic has not come up and hence I am not aware of their situation). So whether we are ready to accept it or not, child molestation is more common place than we'd like to believe it is.

Help agencies:

Child Abuse Prevention Centre:https://www.brightfutures4kids.org/

In India: www.tulircphcsa.orgwww.childsexualabuseinindia.blogspot.com

OUR 'EXCITING' LIFE

Noreen Stewart, Goa, India

Noreen is presently enjoying her retirement in Goa, catching up on reading and connecting with family and friends in India and overseas. In a career spanning more than three decades, she worked with leading corporates in Kolkatta and Goa including Hoechst Pharmaceuticals and Hindustan Lever Ltd. With the long career behind her, she values her 'me' time.

Bill and I were married for two years and life was exciting, blissful, organized and the best. And then the children came along. We thought our life was complete but we had to think again. We ended up with FIVE of them!

We named them after the Saints hoping they would be sa int ly: S imon, Peter, Andrew, Maria and Elizabeth. We must have done something wrong here as our hopes were shattered. They were noisy, quarrelsome, loud, uncontrollable, dirty. Now, dear readers, you must be thinking they were not disciplined but, trust me, they were little monsters for whom the word 'discipline' did not exist in any dictionary.

There were times when we had to tell the children not to reveal their true identity but to go by some other name. “You make up a name”, I've said. “Just don't tell anybody who you are”.

We did not have children just as sources of dirty laundry and never ending noise. And we also did not have them because we thought it would be fun to see one of them sit in a chair and stick out his leg so

that another one of them, running by, was launched like Explorer! After which I said to t h e c h i l d w h o wa s t h e launching pad, “Why did you do that?” “Do what?” he replied, “Stick out your leg.” I hollered. “Mum, I didn't know my leg was going out. My leg, it does that a lot”, replied smartie

pants.

If one cannot function in a world where things like this are said, then one should forget about raising children and grow daffodils instead.

Bill and I also did not have children so that they could yell at each other all over the house, prompting me to say, “What's the problem?” “She's waving her foot in my room”, my daughter replied. “And something like that bothers you?” “Yes, I don't want her foot in my room.”

“Well”, I said, dipping into my storehouse of maternal wisdom, “why don't you just close the door?”“Then I can't see what she is doing!”

On another occasion, we decided to go on a family outing. “Okay”, I said to all five,

“get into the car”. All five ran to the same car door, grabbed the same handle, and spent the next few minutes beating each other up. Not one of them had the intelligence to say, “Hey, look. There are three more doors.” The dog, however, was already inside.

And we did not have children to make my husband look older than he is or turn gray prematurely. And we didn't have children so I could always be saying to someone, “Where's my change?”

Like so many young couples, my husband and I were simply unable to anticipate what was to come. In restaurants, we did not see the small children who were dipping their bread in the water which the waiter had brought. We did not see the father who could not eat because he was busy cutting the food for one child whilst pulling another from the floor back on to the chair that he would use to slip back on to the floor again. And we did not look beyond those lovely Saturdays of buying precious little things after leisurely brunches together. We did not envisage other precious little things would be coming along and peace and order as we knew it would rapidly disappear.

What did we learn? Life keeps on changing and we have to move along or get left behind.

Child Molestation (continued from page 4)

Hannah is a happily married 35-year-old doting mother of two. Hannah M is a pseudonym as the author wishes to protect the identity (through association) of those who have confided in her regarding their experiences.She does not claim to be a professional on this matter. Her views are based purely on her own experiences and discussions with other victims and are not part of a formal research or study.


I recently took advantage of the long service leave offered by my employer, and my partner and I spent t en weeks t rave l l i n g t h r o u g h a r a n g e o f countries from China to M o r o c c o , S p a i n a n d Portugal. In each of these c o u n t r i e s , I f e l t a n overwhelming sense of history and civilization. We saw impressive buildings – palaces, churches, fortresses and castles – going back several centuries. It made me wonder at the vision and dreams of those who built these monumental structures and, at a more practical level, how they were funded. Emperors and Kings, Sultans or Sheikhs, we remembered them as we made our way through Beijing, Cordoba, Seville and Granada.

The Cathedral in Seville, Spain

I could not but help remembering the many professionals, art ists and labourers who probably toiled day and night for extended periods and in pitiable conditions to produce these beautiful structures. And what about the political and social structures that were in place at the time which gave birth to these accomplishments. Was it the work of visionary leaders using royal riches or bounty from the colonies? Was it accomplished using slave labour and exp lo i t ed worke rs? Were the professionals well paid or taken advantage of? Was the general population burdened with taxes to fund the building works? Were alms given to the church used to build soaring

ca thedra l s? The mind wandered.

W h i l s t a d m i r i n g t h e s e massive man-made buildings, my thoughts also turned to the geophysical elements in these countries. There is little wilderness left as most of the

land has been used up for agriculture or development.

Dwindling Habitat – Giant Panda's home

in Beijing Zoo

These centuries of evolving endeavours require, I believe, a reappraisal of our approach to environmental sustainability. I began to miss the vast and unspoilt wilderness of Australia, my vegetable garden at home, the fresh country air and green and open spaces. I was glad to be able to live in a country with, f o r n o w , g o o d w o r k i n g conditions and social justice and large swathes of land sti l l untouched by

man. A 'Lucky Country' indeed. But luck alone will not suffice anymore for future generations - not even in Australia. There is an urgent need in the world today to preserve not only our cultural and artistic heritage but also our natural environment.

Centuries old olive grove in Southern Spain

I believe that tourism requires a rethink to keep the balance or we risk damaging the

authenticity of the cultures we venture into and yearn to experience.

With the number of tourists growing exponentially, tourism has become a substantial generator of wealth. But the rampant development that goes hand in hand with this growth in tourism, needs to be addressed. Vibrant cities such as Madrid, Beijing and London offer many

historical, cultural, gastronomic and e d u c a t i o n a l d e l i g h t s . B u t a b e a u t i f u l a n d ancient oak tree in K e w G a r d e n s , London, provided us with much needed c o o l s h a d e a n d s h e l t e r o n a sweltering 30C day. Cooler than a beer in a London pub!.

With global warming an ongoing challenge for our Planet Earth, I feel an overwhelming sense of the need for visionary leadership and individual initiative to avert dangerous climate change. Let us 'tread lightly on the planet' to preserve our land for the enjoyment and wellbeing of us all. Let's plant a tree. And, then, enjoy that organically grown Spanish olive oil and wine!

***

TREES FOR THOUGHT

Pauline Mendes, New South Wales, Australia

Pauline Mendes lives in the small, country-side village of Tanja in New South Wales, Australia where she works as a speech pathologist at their regional hospital. During her recent three months long service leave, she and her partner travelled extensively around the world. Pauline has two grown up sons.

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