Parenting Teens

What to do when your child’s bad choices are scaring you out of your wits?

Family is the School of love, Parents are the teachers

What qualities, traits, morals, relationship and social skills do you want your child to learn in order to be an adult?

Goals as Parents: Teens Grow Up

Intrapersonal: Awareness of self, self-control, clear and incorporated values, good choices, understand consequences of behavior choices, learn who can trust, compassionate toward self, focus on goals

Interpersonal: express their feelings and thoughts responsibly, respect others feelings, have confidence and skills in interpersonal relationships including conflict and solving problems, compassionate toward others,

But Parenting Teens can be Tough

What to do when your child’s bad choices are scaring you out of your wits?

Parents’ Reaction:Acting out of your feelings

Teaches reacting out of your feelings

How might we react poorly to these? “My brother is so stupid. I can’t stand him.”“Oh, I forgot to do my homework last night.”“So, I am late but none of my friends’ parents

make such s big deal about a curfew!”“Gee, I may have flunked my math exam, I just

felt tired and sleepy…”“I lost John’s cell phone and he’s like not even

speaking to me”

Angry reaction leads to

Instead, Think and Respond Realize: “I am upset, rightfully, but I don’t

always make the right choices or say the most helpful things when I am upset.”

Teach by your Self-Control

If the child is also upset, once you are calm you need to:

LISTEN to them, be open to their perspective, wonder what is affecting them.

Listening effectively does not mean you agree.But in order to communicate with your teen you

first need to really understand their feelings and situation.

Listening is not

• Fixing the problem “I will call him for you...”• Denying the feeling “You shouldn’t be afraid...”• Making them feel better “But you will be great.”• Giving advise “You need to...”• Giving judgment “You did not think, did you?”• Telling them how you feel “You make me mad.”• Agreeing or disagreeing “You are wrong...”

How to open the channels• Decide to listen, Get out of your own brain!• No judgment, No advice, No making them feel

better, No arguing, No fixing the problem (yet)• Determine to just enter into their world and

heart; empathize, seek to understand

Essential Reflective Listening Skills

Use the verbal and nonverbal cues.Paraphrase, reflect back in your own words: 1) what you think they are feeling with a

specific label on that feeling and 2) what situation or context they are describing.

“It seems you’re sad Amy ignored you”

Reflective Listening• Listen with full attention• Reflect back the context • Reflect back the feeling as best you can by

labeling that emotion• Check if you were on target and try again if

not quite yet.• “John went and told the coach that I was

worried. I can’t believe he would go against me like that!”

Class Practice: Only Reflect

• “My only friend Matt is moving away, I can’t believe it.”

• “Everybody was treating me weird today.”• “Dad, told me I couldn’t go out tonight. How

could he!”• “I don’t want to talk to you.”• “I don’t know why I did it. I felt, uh,?”

Group Practice: Reflective Listening

Group Reflective Listening PracticeI don’t have any friends. I can’t stand math. I am going to quit.Why do I have to do all the work at home? John

doesn’t have half the chores that I do!I wish we weren’t so poor. Everyone else has nice

things to wear at school.This textbook is boring. I can’t understand it.This test is coming up and I know it will be

incredibly hard, ughh.

Reflective Listening Builds Teen’s• Trust• Clearer perspective• Problem solving• Openness

Now - Your Time to Talk

• If you are upset about the teen’s behavior still, then you need to communicate your feelings, concerns and thoughts.

• But without blame, criticism, ridicule, etc.• Share from your perspective, feelings and

thoughts about the impact of their specific behavior.

• I feel____ when _________ because_______.

“I statement” I feel (angry, worried, frustrated, )when you (come home late)because (something might have happened, you knew I needed the car)

Teens need Parent’s Wisdom

When bad choices have been made, Consequences need to be given

• Giving Consequences teaches that there are consequences for their choice of behavior.

• Punishment teaches controlling others through power or position.

When your child made bad choices Parents need to give consequences

• He needs limits and firm, calm consequences from his

choice of behavior• He needs the consequences to logically fit the behavior • He needs your confidence that he will learn how to

make his choices for the right reason

Discipline Teaches Self-Discipline

• Clarify expectations, limits, consequences• Child has choice within those limits• If child chooses not to follow limits, logical

consequences are consistently given• Point out calmly, it was the child’s choice• Child can try again later• If child chooses responsibly, limits lessen

Summary1. Calm down, think of your goals2. Decide to listen reflectively to understand,

until teen feels understood3. Share your feelings, thoughts, values, about

the behavior 4. Make requests or give advise if needed5. Give consequences that are fair, logically fit

the misbehavior in order to teach consequences

Build a Positive Relationship• Maintain contact, dates with child• Family meetings to discuss, negotiate• Make fun, humor part of your relationship• Improve your relationship with your

spouse, you are the model• Set limits with expectation, give choices,

follow through with logical consequences• Discuss values behind choices and behavior

Thank you!