Promoting resilience in Promoting resilience in childrenchildren

Muriel MacKenzie

Educational Psychologist

What is resilience?

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity

Bouncing back means that people can carry on and even flourish after a set back

Parents can help children develop resilience

Why can it be hard for children to bounce back after a set back?

1. Over protection of children

Not allowing children to take appropriate risks

Feeling they need constant protection Thinking that they cannot handle

responsibility

2. Ignoring the importance of bad feelings

People think that bad feelings don’t have a purpose

They think that feelings such as shame, guilt and frustration are only negative

But, bad feelings do have a purpose – they galvanise us to do something different

3. Spotlight on the individual?

As a society are we focussing too much on the individual and how they feel?

Might this encourage young people to see themselves as the centre of the world?

Does this then lead to them blowing out of proportion any setbacks or challenges in life?

4. Black and white thinking?

Our culture views people as fixed entities, which are unchangeable, e.g. good / bad; smart / not smart

This type of thinking exaggerates the significance of failure and difficulties

5. Entitlement?

I want it now! Our society makes people feel entitled Celebrity culture encourages children to

think that success should be instant This makes children think that effort and

hard work are not important This can undermine resilience

6. The need to be perfect

Mass media encourages us to believe that we need to be perfect – to have the perfect job, perfect family, perfect house

This can make us feel inadequate and can exaggerate inevitable problems or difficulties

We are encouraged to compare themselves with the rich and famous

All of these factors undermine young people’s ability to bounce

back

What can parents do to promote resilience in children?

1. Hold high expectations

Young people are capable We need to challenge them Expect them to reach their goals Be confident – people reach goals at

different points, but most get there in the end

2. Focus away from the self

Don’t make your child feel they are the centre of the universe

This undermines their wellbeing as it makes them exaggerate every minor incident

Encourage them to reach out, be kind and help other children

3. People are not born smart

Intelligence is not something that is fixed Intelligence develops over time with

learning and practice in skills Encourage your child to see intelligence

and ability as something they have to work at

4. Failure often leads to success

Encourage children to view failure in a different way

Failure is a learning opportunity Talk about failures you have overcome –

you are a role model

5. Normalise, don’t personalise

After a negative experience children often think that this type of thing only happens to them

Encourage children to view these setbacks as normal – everybody experiences them

Help them not to think that this is something which reflects badly on them

6. Bad feelings are normal

It is part of being human to experience negative emotions

Bad feelings are normal Learning anything worthwhile requires

frustration at times

7. Bad feelings don’t last

When children experience negative experiences they may think that they will always feel that way

We know from research that bad feelings don’t last

Remember to remind young people that these feelings will pass

8. Don’t worry or overprotect

Life is full of ups and downs If you try and protect children from them

they will not cope when they meet setbacks and will not be able to assess risks

Allow young people to make mistakes Overprotection can make children more

anxious and vulnerable

9. Perfection doesn’t exist

Everyone has flaws, even the most accomplished people

There is no standard for perfection It is more important for children to try to

do their best, rather than be the best

11. Encourage an optimistic thinking style

Optimism is about how you think about causes for events – ‘explanatory style’

Encourage children not to see bad events as lasting for ever (permanent)

Encourage them not to see them as affecting every area of their life (global)

Encourage them not see them as reflecting badly on them (internal)

The way we THINK influences how we FEEL and BEHAVE

10. Teach children skills

Children have an inbuilt need to learn Help them learn life skills, e.g. reading,

organising themselves, making friends, learning to ride a bike

Help them learn problem solving skills, e.g. 6 step problem solving plan / coping step plan

6 step problem solving

1. What is the problem?

2. What could I do? (encourage lots of ideas)

3. List what might happen for each idea

4. Pick the best solution

5. Do it!

6. Did it work?

Coping step plan

Step 1

Step 2

Step 3

Step 4

Step 5

Step 6: GOAL

2. Writes a speech and reads it in front of mirror

Coping step plan for having to do a talk to

the class

1. Read a short story to mother / father

3. Presents speech to mother / father

4. Presents speech to the entire family

5. Presents speech to a friend

6. Presents speech to close group of friends

7. Presents speech in front of class

Step

Step

And finally…

Don’t forget the importance of strong family support

Friendships Social skills Sense of belonging in school

Useful resources

Martin Seligman The Optimistic Child

www.centreforconfidence.co.uk