Funny Xmas Quotes and Christmas Cheer: Putting Fun and Laughter into the Festive SeasonA Personal Collection of Christmas Quotations 

and Fun-Packed Festive Humor

compiled by Colin M Jarman of Blue Eyed Books (The Home of Humorous Quotations).

XMAS EXTRACTS from Classic Television Shows"Everybody knows that the Wise Men arrived in Bethlehem before the Rose Bowl game." Bob on The Bob Newhart Show

"Oh, joy, Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans, knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper will utter those heartfelt words, 'Is this all I got?' "Frasier [Kelsey Grammar] on Cheers

"Parker I'm your mother. Mother's don't lie to their sons. Now go wash your hands or Santa's not gonna bring you anything for Christmas."Lynette [Felicity Huffman] on Desperate Housewives

"I should've known better than to listen to someone who said the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus killed each other ... so don't expect anything for Christmas'."George on George Lopez

"He never calls, he never writes, I only hear from him at Christmas when he sends me a cheddar cheese nativity scene. I'm Catholic, I can't spread a wise man on a Ritz cracker."Sophia [Estelle Getty] on The Golden Girls

"Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy!" Rose [Betty White] on The Golden Girls

"Christmas is not about being with people you like. It's about being with your family."Tim [Tim Allen] on Home Improvement

Answering the phone at work on Christmas Day - "Ho-ho-homicide!"Det. John Munch [Richard Belzer] on Homicide: Life on the Streets

"No presents for Christmas? That's like Easter without high-stakes poker." Jack [George Segal] on Just Shoot Me

"The next person who wishes me a Merry Christmas is gonna get decked along with the halls!" Thelma [Vicki Lawrence] on Mama's Family

"A fat woman came into the shoe store today and wanted a pair of shoes to wear to a Christmas party. I told her to stand on her hands, put a star on her butt, and go as the world's largest, ugliest Christmas tree."Al [Ed O'Neill] on Married With Children

"Hey guys, since our wives are downtown feeding Christmas dinners for the homeless, shouldn't we be at the nudie bar feeding dollars to the topless?"Jefferson [Ted McGinley] on Married With Children

"It's Saint Patrick's day. Here in Scranton, St. Paddy's day is a big deal. It is the closest the Irish will ever have to Christmas."Michael [Steve Carell] on The Office

"I like everything about Christmas. Except the Chipmunk Song. And shopping, I hate shopping. I never know what to get anyone, especially Gibbs. What do you get a guy who has nothing and wants nothing?" Abby [Pauley Perrette] on NCIS

"Twinkling colored lights are nice and so are plastic Santas and reindeers and nativity scenes, but let me tell you something. There's nothing like the sight of a beautiful, black-as-pitch raven to get you in the Christmas spirit." Chris [John Corbett] on Northern Exposure

"Don't talk to me about Christmas. All that sticky, phony goodwill. I'd like to get a giant candy cane and beat the wings off a sugar plum fairy." Oscar [Jack Klugman] on The Odd Couple

"For the next three hours, we'll be absolutely kid free. It'll be like that time we lost them at the mall. That was the best Christmas ever." Homer [Don Castellaneta] on The Simpsons

"We got so caught up in the little things of Christmas, like Love and Family, that we almost forgot it's buying things that makes our economy thrive." Miss Diane [Trey Parker] on South Park

"On this Christmas Eve, I just want to say watch out for drunk drivers. And don't pick up anybody who might puke in your cab!" Louie [Danny DeVito] on Taxi

"Grace. It's Christmas, for goodness sake. Think about the baby Jesus ... up in that tower, letting his hair down ... so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dradel and see if there are six more weeks of winter." Karen [Megan Mullally] on Will and Grace

"This is the worst Christmas ever. I had thought it was the one when our parents bought us hamsters and forgot to poke holes in the boxes, but at least that had a moment of suspense."Brian [Steven Weber] on Wings

The above selection of festive TV quotes is taken from the forthcoming bookBOX OF LAUGHS: Funny TV Quotes

to be published in 2011 by Blue Eyed Books.

CHRISTMAS CHEER

"Do give books for Christmas. They're never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal."Lenore Hershey

"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together."Garrison Keillor

"One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly."Andy Rooney

"Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful."Norman Vincent Peale

"Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present."Anon

"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered."Anon

BAH HUMBUG!"Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year."P. J. O’Rourke

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”Bernard Manning

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year."Victor Borge

MERRY XMAS from COLIN M JARMAN & BLUE EYED BOOKS

GREAT XMAS GIFT BOOK IDEAS from BLUE EYED BOOKS